Just when you thought it was safe to beat off in the water

February 14, 2011 1:34 PM

A newfound chemical drives male squid berserk, and the molecule appears similar to ones seen in humans, scientists now say. (Previously)
posted by ActingTheGoat (79 comments total)

All we need is some military research into wartime applications of this protein and we can check off the first chapter of civilization's inevitable march to a zombie apocalypse.
posted by whir at 1:41 PM on February 14, 2011 [1 favorite]

Those Alliance scientists thought it would just be soooooooooo funny to put that stuff in one tenth of one percent of G-23 Paxilon Hydrochlorate shipments.

Thanks a lot, jackasses.
posted by kmz at 1:46 PM on February 14, 2011 [15 favorites]

The sentence under the headline implies it will work on other cephalopods.

This is good news for anyone who wanted to make a cuttlefish go berserk as well.
posted by Lord_Pall at 1:48 PM on February 14, 2011 [3 favorites]

Future research might investigate whether comparable human semen proteins have similar effects, investigators added.

I am willing to be the first to enrage a squid with my jizz. For science.
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 1:49 PM on February 14, 2011 [6 favorites]

This is good news for anyone who wanted to make a cuttlefish go berserk as well.

Great! I know my plans for the evening!
posted by Floydd at 1:51 PM on February 14, 2011

Unit,

We are on a mission now. We have to stop this research. The name and method of the mission are the same:

Operation Calamari

Now lets get eat some shit up.
posted by hal_c_on at 1:52 PM on February 14, 2011

And so the research begins on Rage.

And then, just under a month later....
posted by hippybear at 1:52 PM on February 14, 2011 [1 favorite]

Ever read The Screwfly Solution?
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 1:52 PM on February 14, 2011 [5 favorites]

Just when you thought it was safe to masturbate in the ocean...
posted by double block and bleed at 1:55 PM on February 14, 2011 [4 favorites]

It's a trap!
posted by jabberjaw at 1:56 PM on February 14, 2011 [3 favorites]

RELEASE THE KRAKEN!
posted by Uniformitarianism Now! at 1:56 PM on February 14, 2011 [13 favorites]

Something something Four Loko something something.
posted by Zozo at 1:57 PM on February 14, 2011

One of my colleagues has determined that the protein in human semen will enrage human males too, if it is applied the right way (while riding the subway, I mean).
posted by Mister_A at 1:58 PM on February 14, 2011 [8 favorites]

Future research might investigate whether comparable human semen proteins have similar effects, investigators added.

I'm skeptical as to the non-evil benefits of such a technology.
posted by Iridic at 2:02 PM on February 14, 2011

This wins my "All Time Metafilter Post Least Likely To Have A Previously Link, But Has One" award.
posted by Joey Michaels at 2:02 PM on February 14, 2011 [13 favorites]

Something something Four Loko something something.

Something something Cthulhu something something.
posted by infinitywaltz at 2:06 PM on February 14, 2011

The researchers have provided a visual summary for anyone too lazy to read the article.
posted by Kabanos at 2:07 PM on February 14, 2011

This isn't just a bad idea, this is the worst idea ever.

Involving squid.

Today.
posted by andreaazure at 2:08 PM on February 14, 2011

I don't know what you did there, andreaazure, but your text got all small and stuff.
posted by Mister_A at 2:09 PM on February 14, 2011

Anyway, FINALLY I have some content for my new graphic novel, Angerjizz Squidclash!
posted by Mister_A at 2:11 PM on February 14, 2011 [5 favorites]

We are not only closer to a zombie apocalypse, we are also closer to intolerable people informing us that it isn't really a zombie apocalypse due to them still being alive and moving fast and really they're just berserkers.

The good news is that the people in question will stand a higher chance of being torn to blood-soaked chunks by a furious mob, in this scenario.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 2:12 PM on February 14, 2011 [4 favorites]

Future research might investigate whether comparable human semen proteins have similar effects, investigators added.

Uh. Is this where I'm supposed to gush about how great science is, or make snarky jokes about squid-fucking? At what point does one get human semen near a squid? I mean, at what point outside of writing Moby Dick slashfic?

Did a couple of grad students get bored in the lab? Was it something like "Hey, hold my pipette and watch this!" or something more directly perverted like "I wonder what a live squid on my dick would feel like? Let's try!"

And then what? Instantly enraged squid? "Ow, that was a really, really bad idea. Did you find the rest of it? No, not the squid, you idiot!"
posted by loquacious at 2:14 PM on February 14, 2011 [6 favorites]

Seriously loquacious, you have never banged a squid?
posted by Mister_A at 2:17 PM on February 14, 2011 [8 favorites]

loquacious: "Uh. Is this where I'm supposed to gush about how great science is, or make snarky jokes about squid-fucking?"

I'm assuming they ran it through the BLAST algorithm, which suddenly sounds a lot dirtier.
posted by pwnguin at 2:18 PM on February 14, 2011 [1 favorite]

Future research might investigate whether comparable human semen proteins have similar effects, investigators added.

Huh. I read this as being about similar effects in humans.

And while it would certainly be a more interesting world if it were true, since it would mean that whenever gay couples exchanged fluids at least one of them would hulk out and go on a rampage, I don't think that's the world we live in.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 2:18 PM on February 14, 2011

At what point does one get human semen near a squid?

Apparently, you and I travel in very different social circles.
posted by mrgoat at 2:19 PM on February 14, 2011 [7 favorites]

Huh. I read this as being about similar effects in humans.

That first paragraph should be used in English 10 classes, to teach teenagers why it's important to learn to construct proper sentences and write clearly.
posted by Stagger Lee at 2:20 PM on February 14, 2011 [1 favorite]

Is this where I'm supposed to gush

No, you're looking for the marine biology lab.
posted by Zozo at 2:21 PM on February 14, 2011 [3 favorites]

Hmm. I always thought my pet squid was having an orgasm at the same time as me.
posted by perhapses at 2:23 PM on February 14, 2011

Arrrr, Squiddy... I always thought it was because you were really excited to see me.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 2:26 PM on February 14, 2011

"At what point does one get human semen near a squid?"

Apparently, you and I travel in very different social circles.
posted by mrgoat at 2:19 PM on February 14 [+] [!]

Well, sure, but you're a goat.
posted by sebastienbailard at 2:28 PM on February 14, 2011 [2 favorites]

A newfound chemical drives male squid berserk

Early Cuyler joke.
posted by CNNInternational at 2:29 PM on February 14, 2011 [1 favorite]

There are similar substances in rodents but they have never been found in humans. And they have less potent effect in rodents, ie, they're more controllable by the animal. So, the likelihood of anything working in such a crude way (I'm not talking about involving wanking, I'm meaning having instant, irresistible effects) on humans is basically nil.
posted by Maias at 2:31 PM on February 14, 2011

There are no direct results in Google for "cuttlefish orgasm". Why is that?
posted by Burhanistan at 2:31 PM on February 14, 2011

There are no direct results in Google for "cuttlefish orgasm". Why is that?

Um.... try turning off SafeSearch?
posted by hippybear at 2:32 PM on February 14, 2011 [4 favorites]

"Scientists discover how to make squids go completely berserk"

Let's all just take a moment to pause and appreciate this headline.
posted by bicyclefish at 2:32 PM on February 14, 2011 [3 favorites]

you know who else masturbated in the ocean?

Aphrodite (Venus)

Goddess of sweet lust, "love," sexuality, beauty, the sexual urge operating on every level of creation, laughter and hoaxes, the whisperings of maidens. "Aphrodisiazein" = to make love, vs. Eros = physical love or desire.

One legend has her born out of the sea from father Uranus’ genitals, which were hacked off by Cronus. The sea foam mixed with semen sloshed around until from the shining white foam (aphros) she appeared. (Thus is she associated with the castration fear born of fear of female sexuality, as in the Adonis story too?).

posted by ennui.bz at 2:34 PM on February 14, 2011

Well, sure, but you're a goat.There are no direct results in Google for "cuttlefish orgasm".

I'm going to go ahead and call rule 34 on that.
posted by mrgoat at 2:34 PM on February 14, 2011

Dammit, lost a sentence in there somewhere.

Just pretend I said something funny about "but you're a goat" and didn't screw up the formatting.
posted by mrgoat at 2:36 PM on February 14, 2011

A newfound chemical drives male squid berserk

No.

You can't make stuff like this and not expect that I'll want to use it for evil. I mean, why not just add in that it works best on squid that have been genetically modified to fly and operate lasers to completely ruin my ability to concentrate for the rest of the day.

I have meetings to go to, and all I'll be able to think about now is my new path to evil overlordhood.
posted by quin at 2:38 PM on February 14, 2011 [2 favorites]

IT'S A TRAP!
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 2:38 PM on February 14, 2011 [1 favorite]

I'm going to go ahead and call rule 34 on that.

I dunno. "cuttlefish furry" doesn't yield any results, either.
posted by hippybear at 2:39 PM on February 14, 2011

"Beloved children's entertainer Spongebob Squarepants was brutally murdered today by his neighbor Squidward. Although the motive for the bizarre and vicious attack remains unknown..."
posted by PlusDistance at 2:39 PM on February 14, 2011 [11 favorites]

No google hits? Really? Because cuttlefish orgasm is, like, an entire school of Edo-period Japanese art. (somewhat obviously NSFW)
posted by kyrademon at 2:40 PM on February 14, 2011 [3 favorites]

something, something, Humans and beer, something, something... ah, got it.

While in the field, scientists noticed that male (sports fan) were visually attracted to the tens of thousands of (Beers served at the stadium)...
posted by djrock3k at 2:43 PM on February 14, 2011

I dunno. "cuttlefish furry" doesn't yield any results, either.

I can't believe you just got me googling for cuttlefish porn.

actually, I kind of can.
posted by mrgoat at 2:45 PM on February 14, 2011

Mainly it would be to see what kind of weird color patterns they would flash.
posted by Burhanistan at 2:45 PM on February 14, 2011 [1 favorite]

"Pissing off the squid" is my new favorite euphemism for masturbation.
posted by Cat Pie Hurts at 2:47 PM on February 14, 2011 [17 favorites]

"Mmm...what are you wearing tonight, baby?"
"It's Rage (tm) by Cthulhu (tm)."
"Smells kindaGRAAARRFHTAGN"
posted by obiwanwasabi at 2:54 PM on February 14, 2011 [8 favorites]

I've heard Cuttlefish Orgasm is the code name for the next Ubintu release.
posted by five fresh fish at 2:54 PM on February 14, 2011

The next Ubuntu release would have to be Orgasmic Octopus, to fit the naming scheme.
posted by kmz at 2:59 PM on February 14, 2011

The next Ubuntu release would have to be Orgasmic Octopus, to fit the naming scheme.

I heard it was Onanistic Octapod.
posted by Cat Pie Hurts at 3:02 PM on February 14, 2011 [5 favorites]

Yeah, this is one of those times that a reporter (and at least one researcher handling PR) thought 'No one will be interested in a discovery about very aggressive squid unless we make some ambiguously-phrased wild speculations as to how this could relate to vertebrates, and humans in particular.'

Personally, besides the evil master....minds in the thread, I think the reporting underestimates the number of people in the world currently (or as children) afraid of the possibility that hideous sea monsters will reach up while they're swimming and drag them to a watery grave. I mean, when a research group identifies a substance that antagonizes members of a group that happens to include both the world's most intelligent and the world's largest invertebrates, I consider that important. I might be able to deal with a seriously aggressive human. I am far less confident when it comes to my ability to battle an Architeuthis on a rampage.

OTOH, my parents let me watch 'Jaws' when I was four, so the sea monster fear could just be me.

Incidentally, women also produce MSMB, too. Just so while we're wildly speculating about mind-controlling sea creatures, women don't feel left out: evil genius is equal opportunity. Just hock a really good loogie on 'em.
posted by Uniformitarianism Now! at 3:03 PM on February 14, 2011 [1 favorite]

Speaking of octopuses/octopodes, this video blew my mind not because I've never heard of octopodes, but because I've been pronouncing it completely wrong in my head the whole time.
posted by kmz at 3:05 PM on February 14, 2011 [5 favorites]

Miéville reference.
posted by vortex genie 2 at 3:12 PM on February 14, 2011

Yeah, hello Free Will, you've just been proved once again to be an entirely insane delusion dependent upon chemical and biological and quantum level imperatives that control all of nature, the universe and everything.

Yeah, humanity has a consciousness. Pfft.


*Points and laughs*

*Masterbates in the ocean. Dies laughing*
posted by Skygazer at 3:45 PM on February 14, 2011

I sense a Sharktopus sequel.
posted by Hylas at 3:51 PM on February 14, 2011 [1 favorite]

Yeah, really bad headline.

More accurately, "Scientists discover pheromone that severely aggravates squid" ...

but who would click that? Or what Uniformitarianism Now! said.
posted by mrgrimm at 3:55 PM on February 14, 2011

Before anyone goes and does something they might regret, I thought I'd just remind everyone YET AGAIN that squids have beaks.
posted by Sys Rq at 4:13 PM on February 14, 2011 [8 favorites]

So...

1) They used protein from squid egg cases. Not human semen. Just turns out that human and rat semen is one of the few other places this class of protein is found.

2) Aggressive squid basically engage in a frenzy of color changing, and bump their butts against other squid. It's not all that ferocious. Unless strobing white patterns bother you I guess.

3) Guess that explains the Kraken. All the seamen...

rimshot

True story, I work right next to these squid right now.
posted by Made of Star Stuff at 4:13 PM on February 14, 2011 [2 favorites]

True story, I work right next to these squid right now.

Pictures, or it's not happening.
posted by longdaysjourney at 4:16 PM on February 14, 2011

Come to think of it... sperm whale.
posted by Sys Rq at 4:20 PM on February 14, 2011 [1 favorite]

Giant squid are horribly, horribly misunderstood.
posted by Naberius at 4:27 PM on February 14, 2011 [1 favorite]

MetaFilter: I can't believe you just got me googling for cuttlefish porn.
posted by hippybear at 4:40 PM on February 14, 2011 [1 favorite]

Aggressive squid basically engage in a frenzy of color changing, and bump their butts against other squid. It's not all that ferocious. Unless strobing white patterns bother you I guess.

Yes, but what if in the middle of the flashing and butt-bumping,* one of the squid, in its frenzied aggression, were to leap out of the tank and GRAB YOU LIKE THE FACE-SUCKERS IN 'ALIEN.'

That might have been another childhood viewing treat.

*I'm all class. But I do love cephalopods...mythical Kraken aside, of course.
posted by Uniformitarianism Now! at 4:41 PM on February 14, 2011

Aggressive squid basically engage in a frenzy of color changing, and bump their butts against other squid. It's not all that ferocious. Unless strobing white patterns bother you I guess.

Ah yes. Otherwise known as:

The Disco Squid*

Who doesn't like getting chuffed on pheromones, bumping butts and engaging in a frenzy of color changing.

*Which is going to be the name of, not my next band project, but probably the one after that and our first alblum will be called:

Disco Squids Do the Hustle
posted by Skygazer at 4:52 PM on February 14, 2011

longdaysjourney: I can do pictures. But I don't go back up there till Wednesday. I'm doing an internship in the Marine Resources Center. Normally there is not much to see; octopods, squid, and cuttlefish in little plastic aquaria. But there's no rules against taking pictures. My sea squirts live in the same room as the cephalopods -- alas, sea squirts are just not that flashy.
posted by Made of Star Stuff at 5:18 PM on February 14, 2011

I'm going to have to work "Disco Squid" into my conversation at least once this week.
posted by loquacious at 5:19 PM on February 14, 2011 [1 favorite]

So I was chatting with my crazy friend jeff, and I was all like, have you seen this post yet? And he was like, not yet, but here's a youtube video of a chimp raping a frog. And I was like, "Ick, dude." And he was like, "the mefi one is somehow classier." And I was like, "'Metafilter: classier than a chimp raping a frog.' You should totally post that in the thread." And he was like, "nah, I already used it here."

At this point, I don't know what I'm most disturbed by.
posted by eviemath at 5:21 PM on February 14, 2011 [3 favorites]

For video of aggressive squid, check this TED talk that you might already be familiar with featuring some of Roger Hanlon's work. Here's some of his cuttlefish, too, and here he is talking about Camouflage, which is what the lab mainly studies. The pheromone study actually was just fortuitous -- a bit of egg-stuff got dropped in the water and the squid reacted impressively.
posted by Made of Star Stuff at 5:24 PM on February 14, 2011

I'm going to have to work "Disco Squid" into my conversation at least once this week.

Dude, guess what the next Disco Squids Album will be called?
posted by Skygazer at 5:37 PM on February 14, 2011

Before anyone goes and does something they might regret, I thought I'd just remind everyone YET AGAIN that squids have beaks.

It's not the beak you have to worry about so much, it's the ring of claws in. Each. Sucker. There's also sucker hooks. They can rotate 360 degrees. Fondle carefully.
posted by jamaro at 6:17 PM on February 14, 2011

You all just stay the hell away from me.
posted by squid in a people suit at 6:55 PM on February 14, 2011 [9 favorites]

You all just stay the hell away from me.

Don't worry, we're not dolphins. We won't rape you.

Could I get your, er, herby hancock on this here consent form...?
posted by porpoise at 7:00 PM on February 14, 2011

Don't worry, we're not dolphins. We won't rape you.

posted by porpoise at 7:00 PM on February 14 [+] [!]

Can we PLEASE not start another one of those inter-cetacean fighty threads?

Let's just agree that the rift between both camps is vast, and that there's nothing to be gained from yet another "porpoises trolling dolphins" flamewar on the internet.
posted by ErikaB at 7:32 PM on February 14, 2011 [1 favorite]

"A newfound chemical drives male squid berserk."

That sentence is so awkward and unlikely, it reads like a mnemonic.

Also, ErikaB, I believe you mean "the rift between both schools".
posted by gingerest at 7:44 PM on February 14, 2011

"porpoises trolling dolphins"

Porpoise-trolls? Troll-dolphin hybrids? Are those even feasible cross-breeds? I'm fairly certain my DM wouldn't allow them as player characters, that's for sure.
posted by eviemath at 8:47 PM on February 14, 2011

Trollish-porpoises? Troillish-delphinae? They'd take over the aquatic dungeonscape. Does non-regenerative damage of trolls work because it's fire (oxidation/oxidative damage) or is it just a high temperature?

But, yeah, not surprising that (squid) get pissed off/otherwise upset if there is a high concentration of another squid's baby batter in their environment.

"Hey baby, there's a lot of squid baby batter around!"

"No baby, it's all yours!"

"But I hadn't squidded in 48 hours!"

I wonder if squid can tell if it's their own or if it's from another squid. Is there a "refractory period" where the squid are insensitive to the(ir own) chemical signature?
posted by porpoise at 9:12 PM on February 14, 2011

"A newfound chemical drives male squid berserk."

That sentence is so awkward and unlikely, it reads like a mnemonic.

NCDSB?

I got nothing.
posted by ActingTheGoat at 1:40 AM on February 15, 2011