Previously, On The X-Files...

February 17, 2011 10:55 PM

Previously, On The X-Files... Using nine seasons of dialogue, some Markov chains, and an image generator, cortex created a site that creates somewhat thematic dialogues between X-Files characters. This results in some pretty funny dialogue. I want to believe. [via mefi projects]
posted by flibbertigibbet (53 comments total)

Almost as incoherent as that Frasier/Nine Inch Nails remix thing...
posted by mannequito at 11:12 PM on February 17, 2011

BUT DO THEY ATTACK PEOPLE?!
posted by gsteff at 11:17 PM on February 17, 2011 [8 favorites]

omg

"I may not mean anything to me that all you wanted to ask you a catholic, Bob?" That's right, Scully.
posted by bewilderbeast at 11:22 PM on February 17, 2011

The surrealists would be proud. Who'd a thunk their games would be amusing the world nearly 100 years later?
posted by hippybear at 11:24 PM on February 17, 2011

I'm glad I understand what a Markov chain is because otherwise I would be inspired to find out by these kinds of goofy projects, and I think the reality of what a Markov chain actually is would be disappointing if I thought it was just a fun thing to give me infinite X-Files.
posted by little light-giver at 11:34 PM on February 17, 2011

For once, Scully is at a loss for words.
posted by teraflop at 11:40 PM on February 17, 2011

Scully discovers the shocking truth about what Skinner's mom wants.
posted by kagredon at 11:53 PM on February 17, 2011 [1 favorite]

Cancerman would never thank anyone that was not a smoker or related to Ed Lansdale.
posted by clavdivs at 11:57 PM on February 17, 2011

I don’t know why I find this one so funny. I think it’s the tension in the third panel.
posted by him at 12:52 AM on February 18, 2011

Mulder is talking to himself again.
posted by autoclavicle at 12:55 AM on February 18, 2011 [2 favorites]

It's coming! PUSH! PUSH!
posted by cj_ at 2:07 AM on February 18, 2011

An awkward silence.
posted by le morte de bea arthur at 2:35 AM on February 18, 2011

What? What?
posted by le morte de bea arthur at 2:35 AM on February 18, 2011

About?
posted by le morte de bea arthur at 2:48 AM on February 18, 2011

Ewww!
posted by Splunge at 3:17 AM on February 18, 2011

What caused the accident?
posted by noyb42 at 3:31 AM on February 18, 2011

Byers is the sane one.
posted by noyb42 at 3:37 AM on February 18, 2011

Byers thinks he has a shot.
posted by noyb42 at 3:41 AM on February 18, 2011

Tell him about the cheese steaks.
posted by valkyryn at 4:33 AM on February 18, 2011

Dadaist X-Files. Wow.
I surely can't be the only one thinking "These make more sense than the first X-Files movie."
posted by SaharaRose at 4:39 AM on February 18, 2011

I thought guns were against the howling heart of evil.
posted by dortmunder at 4:44 AM on February 18, 2011

This is kind of oddly compelling.
posted by rmd1023 at 5:00 AM on February 18, 2011

You need to decrease the entries in the probability matrix that lead to "Not Found - Sorry, but the page you requested cannot be found."
posted by Wolfdog at 5:10 AM on February 18, 2011 [1 favorite]

Who is this Josh Millard and where does he get all those wonderful toys?
posted by tommasz at 5:10 AM on February 18, 2011

What's startling me is how young everyone in that show looks to me now. Whoa.
posted by Kitteh at 5:16 AM on February 18, 2011

Markov ...

What, I have to go on Wikipedia again?
posted by Major Tom at 5:17 AM on February 18, 2011

That explains the lights in the night sky.
posted by clicking the 'Post Comment' button at 6:06 AM on February 18, 2011

Your ideas are weirder than ours.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:07 AM on February 18, 2011 [7 favorites]

Good morning!

You need to decrease the entries in the probability matrix that lead to "Not Found - Sorry, but the page you requested cannot be found."

Heh, I'm working on it. The deal is, error reporting from Perl running in a CGI context is terrible. Just, really terrible. If something goes wrong, it just dies and the error.log ends up with "Premature end of script headers:" as the whole reason. When I was building this, I went in and identified the specific areas where I could figure out that some sort of error might be happening (and so managed to identify a couple of nasty loop conditions in the process), but after all that there's still obviously something going wrong now and then and so far I have no idea what.

It is a bit crazy-making, but I'll keep looking. The codebase is really content-agnostic (much more so than it was during it's life as Garkov) and so I have plans to generalize this to a couple other shows as well once I can get the assets together, but I'd also like to just release the code itself as a DIY thing if I can get the code stable enough and make it no so embarrassing to look at in spots.

What, I have to go on Wikipedia again?

Heh. I really need to write up a nice clean intro to Markov chains one of these days. I linked to the wikipedia article from the POTX page itself but that's not really the best layman tutorial of the subject.
posted by cortex at 7:13 AM on February 18, 2011 [2 favorites]

POTX-385776452:
A Jack Colquitt Adventure
By Raoul Bloodworth
(A leap...)

A weapon.

"Scully. Take a look at his hotel, who will help build a weapon."
posted by Iridic at 7:29 AM on February 18, 2011

We're from the thirties? I swear I saw a helicopter.

The first proto-helicopter took flight in 1907, though the first functional helicopter wouldn't fly until 1936. But this is the X-Files, so you'd expect crazy stuff, even from the 1930s!
posted by filthy light thief at 8:21 AM on February 18, 2011 [1 favorite]

during it's life as Garkov

Garkov is an Absurdist Masterpiece. Well Done, Sir!
posted by Fuzzy Monster at 8:25 AM on February 18, 2011

> Almost as incoherent as that Frasier/Nine Inch Nails remix thing...

No, no. This is very good. Let us not speak of that other thing.
posted by Burhanistan at 8:26 AM on February 18, 2011

Every X-Files episode, ever.

Also, some of the fan transcriptions are just not very good.
posted by muddgirl at 8:51 AM on February 18, 2011

The Essence of Cancer Man.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 8:55 AM on February 18, 2011 [2 favorites]

Scully doubts she and Mulder are on TV.
posted by BeerFilter at 9:15 AM on February 18, 2011

Oh ... oh.
posted by edguardo at 9:15 AM on February 18, 2011

Back off, gimp!
posted by BeerFilter at 9:24 AM on February 18, 2011

cortex: if you're taking requests, please do "The Wire" next.
posted by Burhanistan at 9:27 AM on February 18, 2011 [2 favorites]

Fine, change the subject.
posted by BeerFilter at 9:29 AM on February 18, 2011 [1 favorite]

Wow, I...I can't stop. I'm shocked at how entertaining this is. My favorite so far.
posted by NBJack at 10:04 AM on February 18, 2011 [2 favorites]

Thanks cortex, now my ungrad employees think I'm completely insane.

How the hell can you explain this to a 17/18 year old?
posted by robocop is bleeding at 10:29 AM on February 18, 2011

An unusually funny moment that honestly could have come from the series.

I'll stop now...
posted by NBJack at 10:45 AM on February 18, 2011

My favorite thing about noyb42's second link is how the placement of the computer in Scully's shots make Byers look like he's wearing an oversized top hat or possibly a Playstation 3. (Offer may not be available on screens larger than 3" x 5")
posted by kagredon at 10:52 AM on February 18, 2011

So we agree.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 11:06 AM on February 18, 2011

Mulder uncovers the shocking secret behind Watson.
posted by Errant at 11:10 AM on February 18, 2011

Mulder doesn't seem to understand his residential situation
posted by dismas at 11:29 AM on February 18, 2011

A mistake threatens to ruin Mulder's career.
posted by teraflop at 11:32 AM on February 18, 2011

Mulder loses the Rap Battle.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 11:41 AM on February 18, 2011 [6 favorites]

Know what?
posted by flod logic at 11:49 AM on February 18, 2011

Whatever.
posted by kagredon at 12:11 PM on February 18, 2011

cortex: if you're taking requests, please do "The Wire" next.

Panel 1: "Fuck."
Panel 2: "Fuck."
Panel 3: "Fuck."
Panel 4: "Fucking fuck."
posted by kagredon at 4:09 PM on February 18, 2011

"It means... It means whatever you want."
posted by Doktor Zed at 7:45 PM on February 18, 2011