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Well fuck a book.
February 19, 2011 1:20 PM   Subscribe

The Rumpus speculates on how books might be in bed. You don't fuck The Fountainhead, The Fountainhead fucks you.
posted by mippy (124 comments total) 39 users marked this as a favorite

 
Where's All the Pretty Horses?
posted by nathancaswell at 1:24 PM on February 19, 2011


(And The Hairpin wonders on magazines.)
posted by mippy at 1:24 PM on February 19, 2011


A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius: foreplay till you fall asleep.
posted by Beardman at 1:35 PM on February 19, 2011 [8 favorites]


Most of Philip K. Dicks later works: a very intense bearded man goes down on you until you start talking to God.
posted by Grimgrin at 1:39 PM on February 19, 2011 [23 favorites]


Moby Dick - huge penis, tires you trying to make you orgasm.
posted by frecklefaerie at 1:46 PM on February 19, 2011


Grabs you by the fur cloak and rips of your satin bias cut gown down by the railway tracks, then proceeds to pontificate for hours before angling body roughly against yours on a hemp sack.

Atlas Shrugged.
posted by infini at 1:50 PM on February 19, 2011 [2 favorites]


Premature?

That was a short story, darling.
ok fine maybe it was a poem
fine, limerick except not funny but sad
posted by idiopath at 2:07 PM on February 19, 2011


Anything by Kerouac: Picks you up in the bar, picks you up and promises to take you places you can only imagine and free your mind to the great possibilities of sexual freedom in America. In the end, suffers from whiskey dick, can't get it up, and falls asleep drunk on your bed.
posted by sonika at 2:16 PM on February 19, 2011 [5 favorites]


Probably anything by Bukowski would end up getting dragged off by the police.
posted by Rinku at 2:25 PM on February 19, 2011


Naked Lunch uses asphyxiation as foreplay and then anally penetrates you with Steely Dan from Yokohama.
posted by dortmunder at 2:25 PM on February 19, 2011 [2 favorites]


Norwegian Wood

fucks you once, kills self
posted by nathancaswell at 2:28 PM on February 19, 2011


In the end, suffers from whiskey dick, can't get it up, and falls asleep drunk on your bed.

Then writes you a long, mournful, ecstatic letter the following week.
posted by octobersurprise at 2:31 PM on February 19, 2011 [1 favorite]


Catcher in The Rye: enthusiastic, fumbling, stares right at you THE ENTIRE TIME.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 2:31 PM on February 19, 2011 [7 favorites]


Hemingway: Three beer queer who doesn't look at your during.

Foster Wallace: Intense. Athletic. Confusing. There is some sobbing at the end.

Terry Practhett: Making out with a friend while high, then you go have pancakes.
posted by The Whelk at 2:41 PM on February 19, 2011 [19 favorites]


Jane Eyre: Hot! Like ... really, really hot. OMG, Mr. Rochester, the bed curtains are aflame and there's a crazy woman in our boudoir!

You never said anything about a threesome.
posted by taz at 2:46 PM on February 19, 2011 [3 favorites]


Michael Crichton: fifteen different kinds of high-tech vibrators, all used in the wrong way.
posted by Bora Horza Gobuchul at 2:48 PM on February 19, 2011 [31 favorites]


Gravity's Rainbow: You want to do WHAT with WHAT?!
posted by The Whelk at 2:49 PM on February 19, 2011 [6 favorites]


The Princess Bride - Keeps interrupting you to tell you how they are skipping all the boring bits and jumping straight to the good stuff.

The Lord Of the Rings - After about six hours they start singing and you fall asleep.
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 2:58 PM on February 19, 2011 [3 favorites]


Nicholson Baker’s The Mezzanine would probably involve hours of meticulously detailed foreplay, but you’d have to be comfortable with a footnote fetishist.
posted by jrking at 3:01 PM on February 19, 2011 [3 favorites]


I wanted to make a joke about Twilight, but then I realized I'd be insulting people talking about real books.
posted by mccarty.tim at 3:02 PM on February 19, 2011 [1 favorite]


1984 : likes to watch
Gravity's Rainbow : A week later, you abandon the smoking ruins of your building.
War and Peace : You lose your resolve after penetrating her cold, icy interior, and bid a hasty retreat.
Infinite Jest : She calls you back a week later to give you random details about all the things you talked about.
posted by Afroblanco at 3:09 PM on February 19, 2011


The Bible: All the stuff it tells you to do conflicts with the other stuff it told you to do.
posted by Rangeboy at 3:10 PM on February 19, 2011 [11 favorites]


Mason & Dixon: a long weekend of stochastic lovemaking with someone you're pretty sure has dissociative identity disorder.
posted by clarknova at 3:11 PM on February 19, 2011


Infinite Jest: Have most amazing orgasm of your life, find yourself unable to disengage, die of starvation.
posted by sonika at 3:12 PM on February 19, 2011 [3 favorites]


The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: 42
What?
posted by infini at 3:18 PM on February 19, 2011


Tom Robbins—just a lot of masturbation but I can't stop.
posted by Toekneesan at 3:20 PM on February 19, 2011 [2 favorites]


Harold Robbins - can't stop.
posted by infini at 3:22 PM on February 19, 2011


Vonnegut—lick my * until I laugh and then have another cigarette.
posted by Toekneesan at 3:23 PM on February 19, 2011 [1 favorite]


Springer's Progress would be pretty great, I bet.
posted by kenko at 3:23 PM on February 19, 2011


Stephan Hawking—Short, but very hard.
posted by Toekneesan at 3:25 PM on February 19, 2011 [1 favorite]


cummings
o.o.
posted by Toekneesan at 3:29 PM on February 19, 2011 [1 favorite]


The Goldbug Variations: you do it with amazing deep, confused detail based on SCIENCE! and then you do it again with such nuanced changes.
posted by vers at 3:30 PM on February 19, 2011 [1 favorite]


Dune - peaks early, but it's okay as long as you're into it. And then some other guy shows up and tries the same stuff, but it's just bad and wrong.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 3:34 PM on February 19, 2011 [12 favorites]


Any Heinlein novel:
Gives you some great action, but then marries 5 other people simultaneously and lectures you about the moral superiority of doing so.
posted by agentofselection at 3:36 PM on February 19, 2011 [7 favorites]


The Narnia Chronicles: Starts off by suggesting you act out a fantasy, then turns out that the "missionary position" is quite literal.
posted by dubold at 3:48 PM on February 19, 2011 [29 favorites]


This comment thread is already shaping up to be at least as funny as the linked article, and easily better.
posted by The Lurkers Support Me in Email at 4:09 PM on February 19, 2011


Ulysses: Was it every possible sexual position with every possible partner in every possible way somehow packed into one seemingly endless night, or was it just a lot of solo jacking off? You're not entirely sure, but you'll gather a group of friends together to try going through it again once a year, every year, yes you said yes you will yes.
posted by kyrademon at 4:13 PM on February 19, 2011 [10 favorites]


Goedel, Escher, Bach: Lots of pun-filled conversation before, during, and after, even when you're tired and just want to sleep. Once it's over, you seem to find the sex itself difficult to describe.

Most of Philip K Dick's earlier works: Weird, original foreplay for the better part of an hour, then suddenly he's crying and you realize he already came and you didn't. Unsatisfying but you keep going back for more and sometimes, once in a while, there's an insane payoff in it for you.

Infinite Jest: You're in the middle of things, conversing throughout, and he keeps stopping to Google random facts and trivia on his phone. Depending on you, this is either endearing or infuriating.
posted by troublesome at 4:19 PM on February 19, 2011 [3 favorites]


The Illuminatus Trilogy: Fucks you right in the mind. And makes you like it.
posted by Splunge at 4:22 PM on February 19, 2011


Neuromancer: Keeps interrupting you to describe the neurobiology of orgasms in painstaking, clinical detail. Eventually, you forget you were having sex. Just then, asks if it was good for you, too.
posted by verb at 4:24 PM on February 19, 2011 [1 favorite]


War and Peace: Despite trying multiple times, you never finish.
posted by avoision at 4:26 PM on February 19, 2011 [4 favorites]


C.S Lewis - It's all furtive and secret and then slightly disappointing.

Steven King - You know that guy, the one down at the bar? Divorced? Yeah it's not fireworks and rosebuds but when you need some company it gets the job done and it's not like he's mean or ugly.

Joseph Conrad _ you feel so bad afterward.

Dostoevsky - Forget it. I'm not into the whips. It's not universal human suffering. That's all you.

Capote - Oh god the candles and the pillows and the silk and the fucking PIANO MUSIC and your "naughty" handcuffs, god you could shoot a shampoo commercial in here.

Shaw - Oh the talk is great, the wonderful, intricate, layered witty verbal foreplay - until you actually have to do the thing and it's so underwhelming you wondered if it happened at all. You great a great letter about it a week afterward tho.
posted by The Whelk at 4:29 PM on February 19, 2011 [9 favorites]


I believe that The Fountainhead doesn't actually rape you unless you send it an engraved invitation.


    H O U S E         of LEAVES
            is         already
            has                     @lready
               FUCKED         YOU
posted by Sidhedevil at 4:29 PM on February 19, 2011 [37 favorites]


War and Peace: You've been eyeing him from afar for years now. You know where he lives.

One of these days,

one of these days...
posted by tempythethird at 4:29 PM on February 19, 2011


The Illuminatus Trilogy: I did not know I was, or indeed people could be into that.
posted by The Whelk at 4:30 PM on February 19, 2011


Steven King - You know that guy, the one down at the bar? Divorced? Yeah it's not fireworks and rosebuds but when you need some company it gets the job done and it's not like he's mean or ugly.

And the drunker he is the better!
posted by kisch mokusch at 4:31 PM on February 19, 2011 [1 favorite]


100 Years of Solitude: A long and colorful orgy with 17 Colombian guys who all have the same damn name.
posted by dephlogisticated at 4:32 PM on February 19, 2011 [16 favorites]


The Bible: All the stuff it tells you to do conflicts with the other stuff it told you to do.

The Bible sounds a lot like people I've dated.
posted by brennen at 4:33 PM on February 19, 2011


The Aubrey/Maturin novels: It starts off very prim and proper, but once it gets going it's the best thing ever, but it never finishes and you come away from the whole thing a bit glum, but knowing several dozen different words for rope.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 4:35 PM on February 19, 2011 [8 favorites]


J.G Ballard - You are now ready for decades of powerful Adlerian therapy in a very controlled and monitored environment.
posted by The Whelk at 4:36 PM on February 19, 2011 [1 favorite]


Snow Crash: Neither one of you is ever going to finish, but you'll find yourself trying to repeat the experience for decades.
posted by brennen at 4:41 PM on February 19, 2011 [1 favorite]


This is way too entertaining. Jeez.

Lolita: He's notorious for being pretty fucked up, you were warned going in, but you weren't prepared for the extent to which he would make you feel like YOU were the creep for getting involved at all.

No Exit: He acts like a dick the entire time and you can tell he's trying to prove a point. When he tells you exactly what the point was, you don't see what all the fuss was about. The sex itself was unremarkable.
posted by troublesome at 4:42 PM on February 19, 2011 [3 favorites]


The Iliad: A big ol' bear pile, then someone throws a hissy fit.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 4:42 PM on February 19, 2011 [5 favorites]


The Woman in White: Melodramatic, possibly crazy, looks a lot like your old girlfriend.
posted by tigrefacile at 4:43 PM on February 19, 2011 [1 favorite]


Anything by Michael Pollan: Numerous well-entrenched interests ensure that the condom industry goes on converting subsidized petroleum into cheap condoms like this one, and the resulting condom monoculture is stifling competition, polluting the environment, making us all sick, and preventing us from enjoying the natural bounty of condoms, of all sorts, like those our grandparents enjoyed.

Wait, what were we doing again?
posted by tempythethird at 4:46 PM on February 19, 2011


The Lord of the Rings: It becomes clear at some point that you're only the third woman he's ever met, and the first he's actually had a conversation with. This explains a lot.
posted by troublesome at 4:52 PM on February 19, 2011 [15 favorites]


John Upike: You're not involved in the process and presence seems perfunctory at best.

The Name Of The Rose: You thought it was going to be all respectable and tweedy and flattering to your so-called intellect until out comes the candle wax an hashish. He'll never leave his wife of course, but that almost makes it better.
posted by The Whelk at 4:53 PM on February 19, 2011 [6 favorites]


Beckett - Compulsive. Esoteric. Compulsive.
posted by The Whelk at 4:54 PM on February 19, 2011


As I Lay Dying: A dirty, fetid orgy, in which which the most satisfying partner was either a horse or a dead lady.
posted by thivaia at 4:54 PM on February 19, 2011


Auster: keeps talking the whole time about this website that talks about what it would be like if different books fucked you
posted by el_lupino at 4:56 PM on February 19, 2011


Gatsby: Just likes to watch.
posted by tigrefacile at 4:56 PM on February 19, 2011 [1 favorite]


Harlan Ellison: Ow! When I said hit me I didn't mean the face! Get off!
posted by The Whelk at 4:58 PM on February 19, 2011 [1 favorite]


Anything by Samuel Delaney: A threesome with two guys who seem more into each other than they are into you, even in situations when you'd expect this to be anatomically impossible. Still manages to be incredibly hot.
posted by Grimgrin at 4:58 PM on February 19, 2011 [5 favorites]


Breakfast of Champions: *
posted by logicpunk at 5:00 PM on February 19, 2011 [3 favorites]


Crime and Punishment: Gets you close to an explosive orgasm on several occasions, and then changes up the rhythm just enough to derail the train. This repeats for a while until it finally happens but you're so sore you hardly notice. Afterward suggests you accept Christ as your lord and savior.
posted by invitapriore at 5:00 PM on February 19, 2011 [2 favorites]


Jeeves And Wooster: You're still drunk the next morning, you're not sure what happened but look! a car! let's go duck hunting! More champagne!
posted by The Whelk at 5:02 PM on February 19, 2011 [9 favorites]


If on a Winter's Night a Traveler...: You tear open the condom wrapper to find not a condom, but a throat lozenge. Well, your throat was kind of sore anyway, so fuck it, you eat the throat lozenge, but it's so good that you want to know what kind it was so you go down to the corner drugstore where you bought the condom to see if they have any idea what happened with the condom or what kind of lozenge could have been there in its place. On your way to the drugstore, you're accosted by a street gang that forces you into a van and takes you to an abandoned factory...
posted by LionIndex at 5:05 PM on February 19, 2011 [4 favorites]


Chuck Klosterman: Um ...your dick kinda grosses me out.
Alan Moore: This stuff eventually wears off right? This isn't forever right? right?! Why are you all the avatars of the heavens now?
posted by The Whelk at 5:05 PM on February 19, 2011


she hits billy collins on the nose
posted by es_de_bah at 5:06 PM on February 19, 2011 [1 favorite]


Ray Bradbury: She smells of soap and freshly picked apples and old books. She was your first crush and every time you meet you wonder why you never married her but every time you try and ask she talks for an hour about how she's like lightning and disappears

Micheal Moorcock: Every time you see her she's dyed her hair and tries to convince you she's a different person. The sex is bizarre but hot

M John Harrison: tells you he's 'deconstructing sex' while being perfect at it

Samuel R Delaney: Hot as hell but you wish he'd stop obsessing over your dirty toenails

Clive Barker's Imajica: she has a reputation as the scariest girl in town but she's really the sweetest

Stephen King: Three hours of awesome foreplay but a disappointing finish

Neal Stephenson: see above

Greil Marcus: The sex you are having started off as two immigrants copulating in the Ozark mountains. It lead to the union of two sharecroppers, who passed down their skills to a white truck driver named Elvis Presley....

Lester Bangs: you see her at every gig. She's a bit older than you'd like but she rocks harder than any hipster
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 5:08 PM on February 19, 2011 [8 favorites]


No Exit: He acts like a dick the entire time and you can tell he's trying to prove a point. When he tells you exactly what the point was, you don't see what all the fuss was about. The sex itself was unremarkable.

Aww, that's completely unfair.

No Exit: At first you don't mind the thought of an eternal three-way, but one's a lesbian and the other one's a little too into it. All your favorite positions bring up traumatic childhood memories for them, and curiously all their favorite positions bring up yours. Well, well, let's get on with it...
posted by Rory Marinich at 5:08 PM on February 19, 2011 [1 favorite]


The Satanic Verses: You get so hung up on a blasphemous tattoo on his ass that you don't really enjoy all the stuff he's doing.
posted by Grimgrin at 5:09 PM on February 19, 2011


Cloud Atlas: he leaves the room over and over again right when it is getting good, each time reappearing in a different outfit, a different fantasy. You find it odd but the sex itself is so novel and engaging you can't help but see where it goes. You spend the last hour orgasming.
posted by wemayfreeze at 5:09 PM on February 19, 2011 [2 favorites]


Infinite Jest: foreplay is an afterthought, it goes on forever even though you lover orgasmed somewhere in the middle, not that you noticed because of the footnotes.
posted by humanfont at 5:10 PM on February 19, 2011


Anathem: It gets very technical and specific and you're both impressed with the level of detail and interest but ultimately bored.
posted by The Whelk at 5:11 PM on February 19, 2011 [1 favorite]


Ian M. Banks: He's so good you almost forgive him for being so aware of how good he is, but still suspect he's not bringing his A game.

Borges: Fucks you in every possible position in the garden of forking paths.

Zelazny: A remarkably satisfying orgy with several Jungian archetypes.
posted by Grimgrin at 5:13 PM on February 19, 2011 [2 favorites]


"Chuck Klosterman: Um ...your dick kinda grosses me out."
Or Chuck Klosterman: liking all the same TV shows and rock bands isn't the basis of a great relationship but you still see her once a year and are happier for it

HP Lovecraft: 'crazy in the head, crazy in bed', right? Wrong. When you finally hook up (after finding her number in a yellowed phone book your grandfather gave you) you find out she's even more sexually repressed than you are. And she keeps asking if you have any 'unclean blood'
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 5:13 PM on February 19, 2011


Anna Karenina: You spend the entire time fantasizing that you're having sex with someone else on a Russian farm and when you're finished, you feel so guilty that you throw yourself under a train.
posted by sonika at 5:18 PM on February 19, 2011


Cryptonomicon: very enticing up to the moment you agree to go home with him. The foreplay is textbook, "correct" but uninspired, a bit dull and very very long. You feel like he's performing his famous technique without really responding to you as a person. The actual sex is over in seconds and horrifyingly bad.
posted by msalt at 5:19 PM on February 19, 2011


Grant Morrison: half the time you have drug-fueled fuckfests that last for days. The other half is just straight missionary position, perfectly executed

Neil Gaiman: stop reading me bedtime stories and get to the fun stuff

Frank Miller: used to be hot but now she's just a bitchy parody of herself

Bryan Lee O'Malley (Scott Pilgrim): it's everything you imagined sex could be but you're sick of entering the Konami Code before you fuck
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 5:19 PM on February 19, 2011 [3 favorites]


The Tin Drum: It's the first time for both of you, and he breaks your hymen simply by standing across the room and screaming at it. Hot, except for the eels.
posted by Cold Lurkey at 5:20 PM on February 19, 2011 [3 favorites]


Finnegans Wake - a long very restless night, endless crazy dreams, you wake up alone, but for some reason you seem to remember a panolply of people, some of whom may or may not have been intimate with you, and you know that comes the night it will all loop around back to the beginning to start once more...
posted by njohnson23 at 5:21 PM on February 19, 2011 [1 favorite]


Ken Kesey: Amazing, best sex ever with great, sensitive, strong mensch. Then he gets high, loses interest in sex and wanders off. You see him every couple of years, big warm smile and hug but the heat is gone.
posted by msalt at 5:22 PM on February 19, 2011


Tennessee Williams - You know it's almost worth putting up with the insane mannerisms and hangups for the fantastical, baroque positions and intense, almost historic, fuckery.

Almost.
posted by The Whelk at 5:24 PM on February 19, 2011 [1 favorite]


Marcus Aurelius' Meditations: it's so ....reasonable. You're not comforted, but not worn out. You exchange polite letters for a while afterward.
posted by The Whelk at 5:27 PM on February 19, 2011 [1 favorite]


Naked Lunch: You figure he's outlived his wild reputation - surely he's calmed down since his youth? You figured wrong - he's got you blushing and stammering before you've even opened up a bottle of wine, and does all kinds of acrobatic moves you hadn't realized a man his age even knew how to do. Thank GOD you didn't go through with your plan to take him to brunch with your parents before your first proper date.
posted by troublesome at 5:29 PM on February 19, 2011


A Million Little Pieces: For all the shrieking and bleeding and snot-blowing going on, you think you're on stage at the sexual Olympics; afterwards, you realize his penis was only about 2 and a half inches long, and that you didn't orgasm, you just got whiplash from being thrown around a lot.
posted by fatbird at 5:31 PM on February 19, 2011


Borges: the sex is so short it's barely a quickie but you're satisfied for days after

Piers Anthony: you don't realize what happened until you're older and in therapy
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 5:33 PM on February 19, 2011 [1 favorite]


2001: mostly very technical but in the end you see God
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 5:48 PM on February 19, 2011 [1 favorite]


Hunter S. Thompson: It was great, but I can't shake the feeling that if I wasn't totally fucked up at the time, it would've been terrible.
posted by box at 5:51 PM on February 19, 2011 [1 favorite]


Raymond Chandler: There's a desert wind blowing, one of those hot dry Santa Anas that come down through the mountain passes and curl your hair and make your nerves jump and your skin itch. You need a drink, you need a lot of life insurance, you need a vacation, you need a home in the country. What you have is a coat, a hat and a gun

And there's a blonde. A blonde to make a bishop kick a hole in a stained glass window. And sure, she's as exclusive as a mailbox, but to say she had a face that would stop a clock would be to insult her. It would stop a runaway horse. She smells the way the Taj Mahal looks by moonlight. She looks about as inconspicuous as a tarantula on a slice of angel food. She gives you a smile you can feel in your hip pocket. Then her hands drop and jerk at something and the robe she's wearing comes open and underneath it she's as naked as September Morn but a darn sight less coy. The lights go out. The room is as black as Carry Nation's bonnet.

And when it's done, you lean back and just sit, not smoking, not even thinking. You're a blank man. You have no face, no meaning, no personality, hardly a name. You don't want to eat. You don't even want a drink. You're the page from yesterday's calendar crumpled at the bottom of the waste basket.
posted by kyrademon at 5:57 PM on February 19, 2011 [32 favorites]


Do over on Hawking.

A Brief History of Time—Short, but very, very hard, and takes forever to finish. After, you'll feel stupid, and you know you'll never really understand what actually happened or what it meant.
posted by Toekneesan at 6:03 PM on February 19, 2011 [1 favorite]


Raymond Chandler: A stealthy nastiness, like a fag party, but a pansy's got no iron in him.
posted by The Whelk at 6:06 PM on February 19, 2011 [1 favorite]


Harry Potter: Waits very patiently until you're older and it's proper, then goes absolutely batshit, and absolutely insists on yelling "Expelliarmus!" during the moment of climax.
posted by greenland at 6:07 PM on February 19, 2011 [2 favorites]


Shakespeare. Long, exhausting, and to your great surprise, all the people who fucked him earlier were right: a really great lay.
posted by unSane at 6:09 PM on February 19, 2011 [2 favorites]


The Portrait of Dorian Grey: He was so sweet. We had a lovely time and he was such a good, sensitive lover. Turns out he is a registered sex offender. I tore his number up and haven't heard from him since.
posted by munchingzombie at 6:11 PM on February 19, 2011 [1 favorite]


A Clockwork Orange: It feels like the usual malchikiwicks and devotchkas getting together for the ole’ in-out-in-out, and you even start to perversely enjoy being subliminally penetrated by badly pronounced Russian propaganda slang. Then, my brothers, he pulls out the Cockney rhymes, if you know what I mean. It’s all going horrorshow until the Lovely Ludwig Van starts to play and it ends in a glorious gory eruption of ultraviolence.
posted by adso at 6:19 PM on February 19, 2011 [2 favorites]


Oedipus Rex: It's all fun and games until somebody loses an eye.
posted by kyrademon at 6:30 PM on February 19, 2011 [23 favorites]


Steig Larsson: You have sex in a frigid cabin in the middle of nowhere in Sweden only to find out that the government has it on tape in a vast conspiracy to discredit you due to your Russian KGB father.
posted by sonika at 6:38 PM on February 19, 2011


Wuthering Heights: It ignores you, torments you, abuses you and you reciprocate with barely contained scorn. It plays hard to get by bringing in a third, in some misguided attempt to attract your attention or loathing. Then, before you reached any real crescendo at all, you have to return it to the library and you're left crying out the window How could you leave me? When I needed to, possess you? I hated you, I loved you toooooo... wait, no, I've lost my way here methinks.
posted by Alice Russel-Wallace at 7:10 PM on February 19, 2011 [2 favorites]


1984: A boot stomping on a human face forever.
posted by ennui.bz at 7:24 PM on February 19, 2011


Lovecraft's ... umm, maybe I better not go there.
posted by jeffburdges at 7:41 PM on February 19, 2011


The Story of the Eye: Tricks you into the basement where she knocks you down and chains you up. When you come to she subjects you to so many ugly fetishes you'd kill yourself if you could. Fourteen hours later your naked, bleeding body is dumped in a dusty Spanish alley.

A year goes by and it dawns on you she was just afraid of intimacy.
posted by clarknova at 8:17 PM on February 19, 2011 [3 favorites]


greenland: Something silvery coming out of the end of a stick? It's gotta be Expecto Patronum.
posted by BiggerJ at 8:27 PM on February 19, 2011


Lovecraft's ... umm, maybe I better not go there.

I will!
Tentacles! Tentacles Everywhere! Even where hentai hasn't imagined! Then cuddles and an everlasting rule over the underbeings.
posted by Cold Lurkey at 8:36 PM on February 19, 2011


The Sot-Weed Factor: Your twin of the opposite gender joined the bordello! So you went to retrieve your sibling, but quickly found yourself hoodwinked into patronizing the establishment by the matron and her pimp, and the three of them take turns coming into your room to convince you that you don't want to have sex but that you should anyway, or that you do want to have sex but that you mustn't, and at the end of the nights' farce, you can't remember which one was which or who had been arguing what or whether you've even had sex at all.

Anything by John Barth that isn't The Sot-Weed Factor: He explains, in excruciating and infuriating detail, exactly how he would hypothetically have sex with you if he weren't utterly consumed and completely committed to the act of jerking off onto your shoes. Unless you're into that, in which case he'll point at the floor; sorry.
posted by jsnlxndrlv at 8:51 PM on February 19, 2011


Philosopher's Stone: Immature, gives women shorter shrift than you'd like, but you can see definite potential
Chamber of Secrets: He brings up weird things, like political causes, obscure languages, memory loss, and his best friend's (very underage!) sister, during what you think should be some pretty straightforward action. You only see him again at the urging of your friends, many of whom are so obsessed with him as to be blind to his faults
Prisoner of Azkaban: Daddy issues too major to ignore. Timing is a concern, plus he keeps glancing out the window at the full moon and acting antsy
Goblet of Fire: Goes on about sports and competitions for so long that you end up just rolling over and going to sleep
Order of the Phoenix: Strong emotions! You feel like you're making whole new breakthroughs in your relationship, and you've finally met all his friends. Of course it goes south
Half-Blood Prince: Keeps trying shit out of a weird book even when you tell him to knock it off. When it's over you feel like the world is going to end, and not in a good way
Deathly Hallows: Takes hours and hours, some of them dull, some of them weird. By the end, you're not sure what happened, and you don't think you enjoyed it that much, but apparently you're married.
posted by little light-giver at 9:19 PM on February 19, 2011 [6 favorites]


Arthur C. Clarke's Rama Series: A new toy that starts out so nice but the more you play with it, the more it disappoints.
posted by hafehd at 9:36 PM on February 19, 2011


Camus' The Stranger. "Sometimes it's like your not even here!"
posted by Zack_Replica at 9:40 PM on February 19, 2011 [1 favorite]


Haruki Murakami: The first date is hours of intense emotional connection and transcendent-but-somehow-isolating experience. All subsequent dates feel a little phoned in, as you listen to jazz, drink whiskey, and fumble with a particularly confusing bra clasp.

2666: Towards the end, when you're surrounded by murder, things become uncomfortable.

Malcolm Lowry: You're pretty sure it was excellent, but it's hard to remember because of all the drinks.
posted by sixacross at 12:25 AM on February 20, 2011 [1 favorite]


The Jungle: A night of aggressive fucking in a coal pit. Every filthy mote and bead of blackened sweat sparkles in the harsh glare of an arc lamp high overhead. At the end rumpled, sooty clothes are hastily donned and smoothed ineffectually with brisk, mechanical strokes.

You are then handed a pamphlet and invited to the next Wobbly meeting: punch n' pie.
posted by clarknova at 1:21 AM on February 20, 2011 [2 favorites]


The Savage Detectives : You meet a bunch of different women who all want to tell you what it was like to have sex with two dudes who weren't all that good in bed.
posted by Afroblanco at 1:56 AM on February 20, 2011


Last Exit to Brooklyn: Me and 43 sailors, dockworkers and gang members enjoy drinks and a romantic tryst on the bench seat of an old car on some waste ground besides the Brooklyn Navy Yard.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 2:05 AM on February 20, 2011


Watership Down: Like bunnies, I tell ya....
posted by PeterMcDermott at 2:09 AM on February 20, 2011 [1 favorite]


For Steig Larsson, I think I'd have gone with:

While you're making out with him during the ninth snuff porn flick he's taken you to, you begin to wonder if he's really watching them as research for his "thesis on the tragedy of violence against women in modern society" after all.
posted by kyrademon at 4:44 AM on February 20, 2011 [2 favorites]


The Necronomicon: Why am I tied to this rock? What's that chanting? What are you doing with that kni...
posted by Splunge at 6:31 AM on February 20, 2011


The Mists of Avalon: ritual sex coated with berry juice and wine and -- hold up, aren't we related? Where did all this blood come from?

A Prayer for Owen Meany: What? Why is this important? Why are you doing that to me? Why are we doing the same things over and over and over and -- OHHHHHHHHH.

The Scar: You get him a little confused with William Gibson, but he keeps going on about being puissant.

American Gods: A road trip in a crappy car with a busted heater, punctuated by weirdly intense quickies in parking lots and dive motels.

The Diamond Age: Has a strange aversion to toys and insists on doing everything manually, which is weird because the rest of the time you communicate via email.

The Collected Works of Jean Auel: Can't you just go wank yourself off and then tell me how to make a cellphone out of a goat's bladder and a stick?
posted by cmyk at 7:13 AM on February 20, 2011 [1 favorite]


American Pastoral: Spent all night pacing back and forth, trying to convince you that, really, there wasn't anything wrong with him or his life! What could anyone possibly hate about him? His virtue and benevolence were beyond reproach, he tried to convince himself. You weren't really arguing but he just kept going on and on. When you woke up in the morning he was still raving, and didn't notice as you quietly slipped out.
posted by tempythethird at 8:01 AM on February 20, 2011


The Whelk, I slept with Anathem and it shot me into outer space. He's just not that into you.
posted by Pallas Athena at 9:10 AM on February 20, 2011


I just ended up boring my friends with discussions of weaponized platonic theory taking place within the mind-as-a-quatom engine that creates and overlaps the multiverse.

Anathem is a bit like having a reallt great dream, if you try to explain it to anyone else you just sound crazy.
posted by The Whelk at 9:14 AM on February 20, 2011


So true. And yet I found him pleasantly considerate, his vulnerable intellectual curiosity oddly touching... and my god did he hold out for hours and hours like a lumberjack.
posted by Pallas Athena at 9:29 AM on February 20, 2011


The Wheel Of Time: You go at it for hours. Days. It starts off great, slows way down, and then you wonder why you ever started with them in the first place. After they collapse from exhaustion their friend shows up to finish you off.

Atlas Shrugged: Goddamnit, is this really the best time to be making a speech???
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 9:43 AM on February 20, 2011 [2 favorites]


White Noise: Anxious, restless. Will not stop talking while we fuck. Carries on a running commentary about our various positions; asks rhetorical questions about the nature of sex in modern society. Refuses to use any condoms, lube, or spermicide—something about toxicity and industrial chemicals.
posted by dephlogisticated at 3:50 PM on February 20, 2011


Anything by Kathy Acker: You receive an email from an old school chum, the slightly-sleazy one with the biannual coke habit, asking you to pick up a distant-yet-mutual acquaintance from the airport, no obligation to house them, "just keep them busy 'til I come by, I'll call first, it might be late". You put up with this friend because they've always been square with you, no matter what, and you kind of remember the acquaintance, quiet, wallflowery, always seemed to be off in some other headspace no matter what, but pleasant. You're not doing anything that day, so you agree, figuring it'll be at worst a few benign, awkward hours of catch-up.

The flight comes in at ten pm. You're reading some Stein in the lounge to scare off the squares.

At the airport, two shocks: First, they are much, much hotter than you remember them being, stemming from not recognizing that way back when, and second: Nuts. Totally completely nuts. Not as in not here, never here. You're beginning to wonder if you shouldn't entirely hang out someplace public in case they snap, spinning out on some freshly-manufactured irrationality, some simulated personal emnity.
But. They greet you warmly. And from the tone and tenor of the ensuing conversation you determine that they're not so much crazy as deeply committed to their own personal brand of eccentricity, steeped in the authenticity of their own difference. They've only got one carry-on. You lead them back to the car, through the empty lot, and the minute you're on the parkway, they've lit up a joint and are telling the most hilarious story.

Twenty minutes later you're fucking for the second time, behind a gas station. Your mouth, their hands, everything is everywhere. You almost feel like this is better than you deserve. Neither of you can get enough.

When they get out of the car to pee, you sneak a look into their tote. Three pairs of underwear, a tshirt, and more pill bottles than a retiree, none of which have their name on them. When they return, you drive straightaway to your place, and just fuck and fuck and eat snacks and smoke weed and fuck and fuck and fuck. It's incredible, and perfect, and then they start making phone calls. You object to visitors, and get handed another joint (you're certain at this point they're laced) and fuck again. You're not even tired.

The guests are polite, rough-looking, obviously high, and androgenous, in that order. Somehow, you and the acquaintance end up fucking all of them, double teaming them one at a time, except for the girl dressed as someone's idea of a 80s Columbian lord furiously masturbating over a pressed suit, watching every encounter and won't leave the recliner.

You pass out the minute everyone leaves, which is surprisingly early.

They're gone when you wake. No sign of them, no note, and the place has actually been tidied up. There's half a pot of hot, black coffee waiting for you.

You sigh and get on with the rest of your week. You spend the next few months getting aroused whenever anyone says the words "bottle", "page", or anything to do with boats. The herpes was totally worth it.
posted by Minus215Cee at 12:22 AM on February 21, 2011 [1 favorite]


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