The Biggest Secret

February 25, 2011 9:01 PM

Comedian Louis CK interrogates Donald Rumsfeld about whether he is in fact a flesh-eating lizard from outer space.
posted by shadow vector (67 comments total)

So they get this war criminal bastard on their show and they spend the time giggling and calling him a lizard and pitching him softballs? I'm sorry, I love Louis C.K. but fucking boo to these guys.
posted by chaff at 9:03 PM on February 25, 2011 [11 favorites]

Yeah, I'm pretty sure I can't watch this.
posted by rhizome at 9:08 PM on February 25, 2011

Rumsfeld wouldn't even answer whether he was a lizard or not, and you think he would answer actual questions? Talking about pitching softballs is missing the point. Louis CK knew exactly what he was doing. The whole point was to show him refusing to even talk about something absurd that could even hint at him compromising his position.

I heard this the other day when it was linked in the Stewart topic. A little slow but funny and interesting nonetheless.
posted by tmthyrss at 9:09 PM on February 25, 2011 [3 favorites]

That was a poor way to start a thread, sorry. I'm just really frustrated that Rummy gets to do a fluffy talk show book tour and apparently nobody is going to make it difficult for him. The lizard thing is indeed kind of funny.
posted by chaff at 9:12 PM on February 25, 2011 [4 favorites]

I have to agree with chaff. Rumsfeld is as close to a human lizard person as it gets, and Louis CK staying on target does more service to the cause of good in this interview than 34 or even 35 minutes of interview on the Daly Show.

Rumsfeld is hawking books. Louis CK by taking a piss quashes that routine and drives the point back home: "Hey we know you are a great American and an awesome book-seller but some people think you are an extraterrestrial lizard person who eats babies. Any truth to that?"
posted by humannaire at 9:25 PM on February 25, 2011 [1 favorite]

The beautiful thing to me was that, with everybody distracted by the lizard silliness, he was able to throw a serious question or two under the radar.

This is from memory:

Are you a lizard? -> Have you tasted human flesh? -> Have you shot anyone? -> Well, I asked why you shot anyone because as secretary of defense your decisions result in many people getting killed, so I wondered if you'd ever experienced killing someone first hand -> oh, it's all about defending America? OK, so in defending America you have to decide that sometimes a lot of people in another country have to die so that America will be defended. -> So, would you sacrifice all the people of, say France, to defend America? -> What if you had to have everyone in France die, in order to save, say, Texas. Would you make that call?

I don't know if he planned *any* of that beforehand, but that's the way it went. The lizard shit was hilarious, but it was a setup. The fact that Rumsfeld wouldn't even issue a denial of being a lizard made the setup prolong itself throughout the whole thing. But being a dork like that gives Louis the "I'm just being ridiculous" cover to throw in some serious shit when he feels inspired to.

Louis CK has a way of weaving in and out of seriousness, being completely stupid and boneheaded and then jabbing you in the gut with something bitterly serious. I could probably name half a dozen other times in his act where he's said something really deep and important and maybe painful to hear, only after minutes of absurd or gooffy stringing-you-along. That's what he does. That's why he's good.

This may not have been his best effort of that kind -- he was improvising; he didn't have a chance to plan or hone it the way he does with standup material he's been working on for months. But I call this a win.

A win for humans. Against the lizards. You know what I'm talking about.
posted by edheil at 9:28 PM on February 25, 2011 [57 favorites]

btw, chaff, boo to the other guys. Louis was doing a good thing, I think, as I said above, but Opie and Anthony were fighting for position on their knees in front of Rumsfeld.
posted by edheil at 9:29 PM on February 25, 2011 [1 favorite]

er, I mean, yes, I agree with you, boo to the other guys.
posted by edheil at 9:30 PM on February 25, 2011

He ccccertainly talksss like a lizzzzard.

It's like listening to Dennis Hopper as Bowser from the deeply bizarre Super Mario Bros movie.
posted by loquacious at 9:35 PM on February 25, 2011 [2 favorites]

tl;dw.
So -- is he?
posted by msalt at 9:36 PM on February 25, 2011

"I'm pretty sure he ate people once."

How could anyone not laugh at that. Louie CK is a genius.

Also, "I'm not going to sit there and listen to the former Secretary of Defense defend that he's not a lizard." and Louie says, "Why wouldn't you want to live that moment? Why do you want to be baby CNN instead of the only show that finally got the guy to say 'Look, I'm gonna finally say something about this lizard shit.'"

If he has eaten human flesh, we better find out.
posted by elvissa at 9:57 PM on February 25, 2011 [3 favorites]

According to my political science professor who worked with this guy (and evidently did not sign a non-disclosure agreement): Working with Rumsfeld involved presenting him with what he wanted to hear and nothing else, thus making the position of the advising staff redundant. The man would literally refuse to accept something he did not agree with. I'm therefore not surprised he had problems answering questions.
posted by Phalene at 9:59 PM on February 25, 2011 [5 favorites]

We are witnessing history - and his name is Louis.
posted by victors at 10:11 PM on February 25, 2011

Christ, Opie and Anthony were out to suck the guy's dick. Loius CK wasn't. Joking aside, he didn't get on his knees, and that's awesome.
posted by King Bee at 10:12 PM on February 25, 2011 [3 favorites]

I am still puzzled (but totally happy) that Opie and Anthony scored an interview with Rummy. I cringed a little when I first heard his voice and realized that it wasn't a shitty caller doing an impersonation. Radio Gold! The last great interview they did that I loved was with Jesse "The Douche" Ventura.
posted by kakakakarl at 10:13 PM on February 25, 2011

For the record, at least 98,170 dead in Iraq.


It's more comfortable to assume he isn't human.
posted by furiousxgeorge at 10:13 PM on February 25, 2011 [4 favorites]

CK was right on. Louis didn't care if he was a "lizard" or not. He was making a point
about Rumsfeld's rhetorical disposition.
All I remember was that Donald Rumsfeld was dropped from some Bush midterm. I remember the guy, albeit slightly, only because I believed he didn't want to play along with what was happening at the time.
Donald Rumsfeld truly seems like a died-in-the-wool-patriot who was trained in rhetorical analysis as a tool, a tool that could benefit his country. Unfortunately he got involved with the wrong crowd. I really enjoy that he's making public appearances now.
Good work Rummy!
posted by coolxcool=rad at 10:29 PM on February 25, 2011

Louis CK has a way of weaving in and out of seriousness, being completely stupid and boneheaded and then jabbing you in the gut with something bitterly serious. I could probably name half a dozen other times in his act where he's said something really deep and important and maybe painful to hear, only after minutes of absurd or gooffy stringing-you-along. That's what he does. That's why he's good.

His exposition on Palin is classic, and its brilliance speaks for itself:

Yeah. OK. I wrote mean things about Sarah Palin on Twitter. And not because I'm political. But because it's fun. I do think she's Hitler. But that's not why I do it. I do it because it's fun. But I let myself have fun at her expense, because she's Hitler. Her being Hitler allows me in my head to say mean things about her, but that's not the reason. The reason is because it's just fun. Because she's just an amazing, beautiful perfect villain. She's just crystalline. She says things that are at perfect right angles to truth and reason, and that blows me away. It's poetry when that woman speaks. And I'm sexually attracted to her boobs. She's sexually attractive, to me. But I do think she's terribly dangerous, and I do think she could really Hitler up the place. And by the way, once, I wrote on Twitter that she's the new Hitler, and I got this immediate -- like, immediate -- email on the same device, from somebody that I kinda, whatever, I don't want to say who, who said, 'You gotta take that down. You can't compare a person in the public eye to someone who killed six million Jews.' And I said, 'Well, I'm not saying that she's that Hitler. She's the early Hitler, when he was building power. I don't know how many Jews he was going to kill. But I know that she's building power the same way. Hitler was voted into office through this weird, like he took a bunch of seats, and he got this party going, and he just started intimidating people, and that's exactly what she's doing. Again. I don't care. I'm not political, but why not? Fuck it. If Hitler was running, I'd say 'Hey, fucking losers, suck my dick, Hitler!' And I wouldn't feel like, oh, that's not that nice. Fuck 'em. He's Hitler.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 10:29 PM on February 25, 2011 [35 favorites]

Totally a lizard.
posted by jet_manifesto at 10:42 PM on February 25, 2011

I don't care if CNN gets Rummy in front of a 10x16 mural of him shaking hands with Saddam while they wave his signed torture authorizations under his nose and play tapes of closed door meetings he's had at RAND. Let a comic be a comic. The only tough interview that can matter is at the Hague.
posted by clarknova at 10:47 PM on February 25, 2011 [11 favorites]

For reference: David Icke - Was He Right?
posted by Panjandrum at 10:56 PM on February 25, 2011

Snakedumb black-arts maggot
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 11:00 PM on February 25, 2011

It was funny, but after the Stewart thread I'm really hoping people lose interest in this guy's publicity tour. He doesn't deserve our attention, let him crawl back under his rock where he can do no more damage.
posted by Hoopo at 11:02 PM on February 25, 2011

For reference: David Icke - Was He Right?

The problem with David Icke is that he makes excellent hay about media bias, manipulation, social control and the inhuman cruelty of globalist plutocrats running all sorts of death rackets.

And then poisons his own well with the fucking lizards.
posted by clarknova at 11:02 PM on February 25, 2011 [5 favorites]

He's working with the lizard people to discredit the left, clarknova
posted by Hoopo at 11:09 PM on February 25, 2011 [1 favorite]

Only a lizard would say that.
posted by clarknova at 11:10 PM on February 25, 2011 [5 favorites]

He never answered the question about whether or not he's a lizard.
posted by KokuRyu at 11:21 PM on February 25, 2011

Unfortunately he got involved with the wrong crowd. I really enjoy that he's making public appearances now.
Good work Rummy!


I can't tell if this is sarcasm or not... If it is, good job.

Otherwise, take a look at Rumsfeld with his old friend Cheney.

In the 70s.

"Rummy" has been with the wrong crowd for a while now.

As an aside, if it wasn't for that iconic smirk, I could almost mistake Cheney for Chevy Chase.
posted by formless at 11:28 PM on February 25, 2011

Fuck Yeah, formless. That pic is exactly what I'm talking about. Just look at the love in
Cheney's eyes. He has found precisely the tool that he was looking for.
posted by coolxcool=rad at 11:33 PM on February 25, 2011 [1 favorite]

MIND = BLOWN
posted by clarknova at 11:33 PM on February 25, 2011 [2 favorites]

Otherwise, take a look at Rumsfeld with his old friend Cheney.

In the 70s.

So whatever else, I think we can all agree that Cheney's clearly a creature so vicious and depraved that his calculating gaze has been giving even shapeshifting flesheating alien reptiles the creeps since the days of Nixon.

Also, Louis CK, in addition to being among the most gifted comedians of his time, brings more chutzpah to an offhand talk-radio smarmfest than the entire White House press corps has brought to its work since, again, the days of Nixon.
posted by gompa at 11:43 PM on February 25, 2011 [3 favorites]

King Bee> Christ, Opie and Anthony were out to suck the guy's dick. Loius CK wasn't.

Oh, come on. If they were really out to praise Rumsfeld, they'd be pissed at Louis CK for his questioning. They were the straight men in the comic routine, and they know that in order to have guests of that caliber on in the future, they have to make a pretense of arguing with Louis CK after Donald got off the phone.
posted by UrineSoakedRube at 12:10 AM on February 26, 2011 [1 favorite]

You know, I think it's a slur against lizards to suggest that Donald Rumsfeld may be one. Lizards are fine and noble creatures, especially when compared to people like Cheney and Rumsfeld, for whom "scum" seems a much better descriptor.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 12:13 AM on February 26, 2011 [2 favorites]

I don't know if I can get behind "scum." It seems a shame to put those gits in the same category as the occasionally helpful and intermittently handsome biofilms of the world.
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 12:29 AM on February 26, 2011 [3 favorites]

The problem with David Icke is that he makes excellent hay about media bias, manipulation, social control and the inhuman cruelty of globalist plutocrats running all sorts of death rackets.

And then poisons his own well with the fucking lizards.

Considering what Icke is reporting on, the lizards might be keeping him alive.
posted by telstar at 1:24 AM on February 26, 2011 [1 favorite]

That was excellent. I can't believe he actually had the nerve to do that, but c'mon honestly, someone at some point needed to ask Rummy that question. Honestly I think every interview Rumsfeld does he should be asked that question at the very least, but optimally he should be challenged on why the U.S. went into Iraq in the first place, and how out of your fucking mind on neoconservative horseshit do you need to be, to fuck it up so completely so as to go in with no strategy for putting in an infrastructure so the country wouldn't fall to looting, and criminality and civil war and turn into the biggest shit show since Vietnam?

On second thought. Forget all that. Why even give him a chance to pull out the spiel, Louis CK has it completely right. The only thing to do is ask the guy if he's a lizard...

Especially is he's going to pull out this "Gee Golly WHIZ!! I'm just a kid from the Midwest What happened to go work for the gubmint after flying a plane in the United States Navy. Yee Haw! And I have grandkids and people buy me dinner in NYC! Goshdarnit they do!!"

Anyhow, all seriousness aside, that was one of the funniest things I've heard of that sort this side of the great Bill Hicks. So bravo to this Louis CK dude. I'm going to look to see if I can find more stuff by him.
posted by Skygazer at 1:32 AM on February 26, 2011 [1 favorite]

For the record, at least 98,170 dead in Iraq.


It's more comfortable to assume he isn't human.

While I don't agree with some of the larger numbers here (feel free to click on the studies and then go to the 'criticism' sections), I can't help but feel that more than 100k people have died since Dubya did his SHOCK AND AWE (totally not terrorism) campaign.

We'll probably never know the real numbers.
posted by gronkpan at 1:54 AM on February 26, 2011 [1 favorite]

Opie and Anthony were doing shtick. They knew what kind of questions Louis CK would ask.
posted by empath at 2:04 AM on February 26, 2011

Sounds more like it was a 3rd party interview into which they spliced their own questions.

not that elegant either.
posted by jannw at 2:39 AM on February 26, 2011

Rumsfeld needs to work on learning the definition of short answer...

His response was neither short, nor an answer to the question posed.
posted by Nanukthedog at 2:43 AM on February 26, 2011

As if the lizard people are just going to fess up, duh.
posted by Meatbomb at 3:15 AM on February 26, 2011

clarknova: "For reference: David Icke - Was He Right?

The problem with David Icke is that he makes excellent hay about media bias, manipulation, social control and the inhuman cruelty of globalist plutocrats running all sorts of death rackets.

And then poisons his own well with the fucking lizards"

I believe that the lizards poisoned the well. They also made the cows sick and stopped the chickens from laying eggs.
posted by Splunge at 4:08 AM on February 26, 2011 [1 favorite]

I will defend to the death Louis CK's question, TO THE DEATH. The reason is I used to think every Rumsfeld interview needed to ask two important questions. They were:

1. Why did why invade Iraq? Was it the WMDs, was it to "liberate" Iraq? Because it's been 8 years now, and I'm still a little hazy as to why we chose to go to war.

2. This is a follow-up so:
a. (If it was the WMDs) When did you stop believing Iraq had WMDs?
b. (If it was the freedom) Why didn't we do more to peacefully promote freedom elsewhere?

Honestly, I don't think I will ever hear a straight answer from Rumsfeld on these topics. I've heard him asked these questions and I've heard him obfuscate, pevaricate, and generally hedge his bets for history. However, I now know that every Rumsfeld interview needs a third question, and thanks to Louis CK I know what the answer is.

That question?
3. Can you answer a simple fucking yes or no question?

That answer?
No.
posted by Panjandrum at 4:28 AM on February 26, 2011 [3 favorites]

Louis CK is the best comic in the world right now. His routines are simultaneously heavy and hilarious.

Also:

"Look at that fucking face. That is an easy mask to zip on and off."
posted by nathancaswell at 4:43 AM on February 26, 2011 [6 favorites]

Also his theory that the lizard people cannot deny they are lizards when asked directly is amazing.
posted by nathancaswell at 4:45 AM on February 26, 2011 [3 favorites]

Of course Mr. Rumsfeld didn't reveal his true Reptilian nature. Even gracing such a question with an answer would blow our cover. That said, as a Reptilian from the fourth planet in the Alpha Draconis system I can assure you, Mr. Rumsfeld is one of us.

You will all pay soon enough.
posted by IvoShandor at 4:50 AM on February 26, 2011

The man would literally refuse to accept something he did not agree with. I'm therefore not surprised he had problems answering questions.

This is how I felt during the entire Stewart interview, with Rumsfeld pushing back on nearly every question, and attempting to challenge the terminology of the debate, and not really answering anything. The man is not interested in a reality that he cannot unilaterally define.

That sounds like some real lizard-like thinking to me.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 5:04 AM on February 26, 2011

Skygazer: "Anyhow, all seriousness aside, that was one of the funniest things I've heard of that sort this side of the great Bill Hicks. So bravo to this Louis CK dude. I'm going to look to see if I can find more stuff by him."

Some stuff to get you started:

- A post I did last year rounding up all of his best stand-up that's on YouTube

- The complete first season of Louie on Hulu, CK's exceptional FX show (which he has complete creative control over) that's just bursting with humor and pathos. The Hulu page requires a login (Bugmenot here) and is only available until March 11th, but it's the easiest way to watch the show right now.

- His new one-hour comedy special Hilarious, available in seven parts in HD on Youtube starting here.

Enjoy! He really is one of the most compelling comedians at work today.
posted by Rhaomi at 5:54 AM on February 26, 2011 [8 favorites]

Of course Mr. Rumsfeld didn't reveal his true Reptilian nature. Even gracing such a question with an answer would blow our cover. That said, as a Reptilian from the fourth planet in the Alpha Draconis system I can assure you, Mr. Rumsfeld is one of us.

It's true.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 5:56 AM on February 26, 2011

Rumsfeld just can't help but bomb. It is his nature and his nurture.
posted by srboisvert at 6:31 AM on February 26, 2011

"Gee Golly WHIZ!! I'm just a kid from the Midwest What happened to go work for the gubmint after flying a plane in the United States Navy. Yee Haw! And I have grandkids and people buy me dinner in NYC! Goshdarnit they do!!"


Totally a lizard. That's the script they all have.
posted by louche mustachio at 9:46 AM on February 26, 2011

I believe that the lizards poisoned the well. They also made the cows sick and stopped the chickens from laying eggs.

Naw, dude, that was the queers. Side effect of ruining the soil.
posted by Rev. Syung Myung Me at 9:58 AM on February 26, 2011 [3 favorites]

1. Why did why invade Iraq? Was it the WMDs, was it to "liberate" Iraq? Because it's been 8 years now, and I'm still a little hazy as to why we chose to go to war.

Uh, because that's where some oil is. And because it's easier to invade than Iran.
posted by ovvl at 10:04 AM on February 26, 2011

Wow. I've seen a lot CKs stuff, but I was not at all aware of his FX show. And it's.... something. I don't think I'm prepared to comment on this yet.
posted by flaterik at 10:18 AM on February 26, 2011

Recently my friends brother told me about the reptilian theory and I looked it up online. Pretty funny stuff. I always tell my friend that I am going to report to the guys who write this stuff that his dad is one and I saw him shape shift when I was sleeping over at their house. Here's a link if you never heard of it before.

The background color to the website is just wonderful.
posted by Dick Laurent is Dead at 10:32 AM on February 26, 2011

IvoShandor: "Of course Mr. Rumsfeld didn't reveal his true Reptilian nature. Even gracing such a question with an answer would blow our cover. That said, as a Reptilian from the fourth planet in the Alpha Draconis system I can assure you, Mr. Rumsfeld is one of us.

You will all pay soon enough"

Would you like to speak to Professor Hawking?
posted by Splunge at 11:24 AM on February 26, 2011

Ya know, the Republicans missed the boat here. Scenario:

Bush doesn't invade Iraq. That simple fact allows him to win re-election. Fast forward to today. Gaddafi pulls this shit. Bush attacks Libya. Lots of oil there. And he looks like a savior if he does it right.
posted by Splunge at 11:28 AM on February 26, 2011

Wow. I've seen a lot CKs stuff, but I was not at all aware of his FX show. And it's.... something. I don't think I'm prepared to comment on this yet.

It's AMAZING. It is so depressing and dark, and yet constantly laugh out loud funny. Even the opening is amazing. Just him walking around West 4th street alone, staring at stuff blankly until deciding to go do a show.
posted by nathancaswell at 11:48 AM on February 26, 2011

Why did why invade Iraq? Was it the WMDs, was it to "liberate" Iraq? Because it's been 8 years now, and I'm still a little hazy as to why we chose to go to war.

Obviously, he's from a desert planet, coming from a race of desert lizards. He can't help himself.

And that's why he can't answer that question, it would reveal his true nature.
posted by formless at 12:19 PM on February 26, 2011

Last time I was in Manhattan I did an exact walkthrough of the opening, from Pizza to the Comedy Cellar. It was embarassingly nerdy.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 12:19 PM on February 26, 2011 [1 favorite]

"There's a picture of you shaking hands with Saddam Hussain. What was that day like? The day you met that dude? That dude who was later hung in a badly lit room?... How many guys do you think you've met who died by hanging?"
posted by qnarf at 12:49 PM on February 26, 2011

Louis C.K. is subversive as shit. He out Ali G'ed, Ali G. Also props to the other guys for playing the straight men, and keeping Rumsfeld on the line.
posted by stratastar at 1:13 PM on February 26, 2011

"There's a picture of you shaking hands with Saddam Hussain. What was that day like? The day you met that dude? That dude who was later hung in a badly lit room?... How many guys do you think you've met who died by hanging?"

I love his answer: "More than one."

I'm not a Rumsfeld fan, in the least, but that answer made me laugh out loud.
posted by SeanMac at 1:25 PM on February 26, 2011

Rhaomi: "- His new one-hour comedy special Hilarious, available in seven parts in HD on Youtube starting here."

Louis is most every pro stand up's favorite stand up, and it's pretty amazing what he's doing with Louie, but from the first moment I saw Hilarious, I thought it belonged among the top ten stand up recordings ever made. The jokes themselves are Louis at the top of his game, and the cinematography shows a level of sophistication and intent that most people don't put into stand up specials, but when I think about the work as a whole, it evidences this incredibly nuanced storytelling arc. Basically, as you get into the 80 minutes, Louis (or his stage character, depending on your POV) pulls you more and more into an intimate world of self-doubt and dysfunction that forces you to confront the times when you think and feel the same thing (climaxing in the last joke, which I won't spoil here, but which is pretty much the most intimate hypothetical one could imagine). I've compared it often to a really bad blind date: Louis starts with awkward small talk (Most people aren't here. Most people are in China. Actually, most people are dead.), pivots to ranting about his lack of success with women and culminates with a couple very personal revealing stories.

The man is a fucking master.
posted by l33tpolicywonk at 2:53 PM on February 26, 2011

huge fan of louis c.k.

this is really boring and not worth the braincells of hearing the other 3 people on the call.
posted by Señor Pantalones at 3:32 PM on February 26, 2011

It's AMAZING. It is so depressing and dark, and yet constantly laugh out loud funny.

Well, I've been stuck at home sick for days, so I just watched the whole damn thing in the last, uh, less than 12 hours.

I'm in kind of a weird transitional period of my life at the moment that has plenty of its own surreal moments, so while I can't really directly identify with the issues he's dealing with in the show (given that i'm a 31 year old with no kids and no divorce), a lot of it still spoke to me in its own way. I'm a little unclear exactly how good it was for my mental health to have just watched 6 or so hours of that, but it was definitely interesting and funny.
posted by flaterik at 9:50 PM on February 26, 2011

Yes, but formless, we've basically established that Rumsfeld is a reptilian from a desert planet who invaded Iraq to secure homeland for his scaly arid brethern. That was proved true by his simple inability to say, "Nope, I am not a lizard."

The question is: Why that desert? There are plenty of other deserts around the world that would be easier to invade. Take Central Asia, for instance, lots of desert in and around Afghanistan... OK, well take the Sahara, plenty of desert land in North Africa ruled by regimes that could be toppled by a withdrawal of US support coupled with a popular... well, um... yeah.

Namibia, watch your back, bro.
posted by Panjandrum at 9:57 PM on February 26, 2011