Lack a soul? There's still a team for you!

March 3, 2011 8:24 AM

What Baseball Team Should I Root For? (image) Now you can establish a lasting emotional bond through the magic of pure logic.
posted by ardgedee (157 comments total)

Oakland A's it is.
posted by T.D. Strange at 8:26 AM on March 3, 2011 [3 favorites]

Logic would have absolutely no one rooting for the Cubs. Which is the reason to root for the Cubs.
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 8:27 AM on March 3, 2011 [5 favorites]

OOH big surprise they immediately hate on the Yankees... Go Yanks! Winningest team in baseball!
posted by ReeMonster at 8:28 AM on March 3, 2011 [4 favorites]

I have no soul.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 8:29 AM on March 3, 2011

I am supposed to root for the team whose icon looks like a compass. Using clever logic, I figured out it had to be the Seattle whoevers, but I suppose this is not intended for people who cannot actually recognise baseball logos.
posted by jeather at 8:29 AM on March 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

I'm an atheist, and therefore I do not believe there are such things as souls (in the material sense).

And, lo and behold, I'm a Yankees fan anyway!
posted by grubi at 8:30 AM on March 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

Padres fan?! And I was so close to being a fan of my semi-beloved Rays!
posted by photoslob at 8:31 AM on March 3, 2011

I am supposed to root for the team whose icon looks like a compass. Using clever logic, I figured out it had to be the Seattle whoevers

The Seattle Astrolabes.
posted by grubi at 8:31 AM on March 3, 2011 [7 favorites]

Strangely, this doesn't reverse engineer as intuitively.
posted by Burhanistan at 8:31 AM on March 3, 2011

So I'm not supposed to root for the Washington Generals, now?
posted by cmonkey at 8:32 AM on March 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

There needs to be some sort of metric for "How Long To You Carry Grudges?" and "What Is Your Degree Of Self-Loathing?"

Grudges: |-------------[]-| Red Sox
Self Loathing: |---------[]------| Mets; |----------------[]-| Cubs
posted by robocop is bleeding at 8:34 AM on March 3, 2011 [8 favorites]

I've been going to Pirates games for 21 years now and have seen them win exactly one time in all those games. And I still keep going (but I won't drink IC Light).
posted by octothorpe at 8:35 AM on March 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

So I'm not supposed to root for the Washington Generals, now?

Just root for the Washington Nationals. Your experience will be basically the same.
posted by Copronymus at 8:36 AM on March 3, 2011 [9 favorites]

Gravy in a thermos?

That's brilliant!
posted by blue_beetle at 8:37 AM on March 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

I almost want to believe in the existence of God just so He could smite Yankees fans.

The fact that the Yankees have won so many pennants and World Series proves that there is no God.
posted by kmz at 8:38 AM on March 3, 2011 [3 favorites]

I am an Orioles fan for life and no, you may not look in my thermos.
posted by escabeche at 8:40 AM on March 3, 2011 [6 favorites]

I ended up on the Red Sox and I am a Red Sox fan. Word.

I kind of cheated on the football question

posted by nathancaswell at 8:44 AM on March 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

I'm an atheist, and therefore I do not believe there are such things as souls (in the material sense).
And, lo and behold, I'm a Yankees fan anyway!

See? See? We told you. They're all like that.
posted by Slap*Happy at 8:46 AM on March 3, 2011 [4 favorites]

Perhaps a dumb question, but in order to tailgate don't you necessarily need, say, a parking lot? With cars and space for people?

Because Fenway doesn't have that. Also, anyone caught eating chowder in Fenway is immediately shot on sight.
posted by backseatpilot at 8:47 AM on March 3, 2011

The Seattle Astrolabes
If there were a team in any sport named the Astrolabes, I would be a fan on principle.
posted by jeather at 8:49 AM on March 3, 2011 [4 favorites]

Cardinals fans are the best in baseball (catch a foul ball, give it to a kid). As advertised.

(except the pregnant woman I saw in the smoking area pulling on a flask.)
posted by notsnot at 8:53 AM on March 3, 2011 [2 favorites]

I call dibs on the word Astrolabes as my band name.
posted by Billiken at 8:53 AM on March 3, 2011

actually, i cheated on the chowder section too, cause really, who tailgates at a baseball game? hot dogs during the 2nd and 7th inning, obviously
posted by nathancaswell at 8:54 AM on March 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

Still the O's baby!
posted by clarknova at 8:57 AM on March 3, 2011

Pass that thermos over here, clarknova.
posted by Faint of Butt at 8:58 AM on March 3, 2011

Dodgers logic ends up with "Tailgate? Does that mean I have to get to the stadium before the third inning?"

If only it didn't require being a Dodgers fan, because that's the best way to get to the game. Besides, it's so, so true (hello, nasty parking experience in 'Elysium Field').

That's ok, I don't mind sushi at a baseball stadium (whatever, we already have an awesome view of the ocean so sushi makes sense) . The Appletini bit hurts but is probably accurate. Padres, you break my heart but it's worth it.
posted by librarylis at 9:07 AM on March 3, 2011

This is a great chart, and I too would root for a team named the Astrolabes.

/Mets fan with a bitter, undying hatred for both the Yankees and the fucking sleazeball owners of the Mets
posted by languagehat at 9:08 AM on March 3, 2011 [3 favorites]

I ended up on the Mets and I am a Mets fan. Shit.
posted by swift at 9:09 AM on March 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

Ditto, swift. Let us engage in a halfhearted high-five.
posted by notmydesk at 9:11 AM on March 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

This made me laugh several times.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 9:14 AM on March 3, 2011

I ended up with the Sox and am a Sox fan. WHich is good. I also wanted to post this earlier but worried there'd be nothing but snark for the post being too "thin," which should teach ME to trust my judgment, by god!
posted by Navelgazer at 9:18 AM on March 3, 2011

I landed on the Giants and lo, I was already a Giants fan! Whew! (Though, honestly, it's not an Appletini in the thermos. It's a gin and tonic.)
posted by rtha at 9:20 AM on March 3, 2011

(except the pregnant woman I saw in the smoking area pulling on a flask.)

Future Yankee fan.
posted by escabeche at 9:20 AM on March 3, 2011 [8 favorites]

I disagree with this chart in that in order to get to the Tigers you have to say both no to "I use sports to distract myself from the drudgery of my horrible life" and yes to "I care if my team ever wins another game," which no Detroit sports fan can truly say.

But I do like the last fork:

If you look at me again I will punch you

In the face -----> Tigers

In the neck -----> White Sox
posted by The demon that lives in the air at 9:20 AM on March 3, 2011 [4 favorites]

I thought everyone was supposed to root for the team nearest to them, even when the team's city might have nothing in terms of common interest with where you are.

Hence the reason Mainers complain about "Massholes" while cheering on the Red Sox.
posted by dunkadunc at 9:21 AM on March 3, 2011

I got... nothing. But a bunch of errors. Can't see the page.

Typical for a Red Sox fan.
posted by sonika at 9:22 AM on March 3, 2011

This chart is remarkably accurate- I have lived on the south side. I will punch you in the neck.

Sox it is, then.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 9:22 AM on March 3, 2011 [2 favorites]

I'm with swift and notmydesk, Mets fan who landed on the Mets, and whats worse, I can't really argue with any of the logic that got me there.
posted by hobgadling at 9:23 AM on March 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

I thought everyone was supposed to root for the team nearest to them, even when the team's city might have nothing in terms of common interest with where you are.

I was thinking that, as a football fan. Does the strict injunction against supporting any team other than the one assigned to you at birth (by physical proximity or parental affiliation) not apply?

If not, baseball fans are missing out on one of the best chants in modern sport: You only live round the corner (traditionally sung in the direction of 'travelling' Manchester United fans).
posted by a little headband I put around my throat at 9:24 AM on March 3, 2011

I missed my actual team (the Jays) by one question, landed on the Padres instead. And I quibble with the fork in that road - Toronto fans would totally not be ashamed to eat sushi at a game. They already do, during Leafs games at the ACC.
posted by gompa at 9:25 AM on March 3, 2011

dunkadunc: I thought everyone was supposed to root for the team nearest to them, even when the team's city might have nothing in terms of common interest with where you are.

Hence the reason Mainers complain about "Massholes" while cheering on the Red Sox

Some of us moved here, you know. Seattle's my home now, and a very a beautiful city (or it was 6 months ago, and will be again in a month or two), but the Red Sox are like a religion if you grew up with them: you don't change your faith just because you move to a different part of the country.
posted by hincandenza at 9:26 AM on March 3, 2011

I got... nothing. But a bunch of errors. Can't see the page.

Typical for a Red Sox fan.

Ditto. How did it know where my actual loyalties lie? (Intermixed with loyalty to my utterly awful adopted team, the Seattle Mariners.)
posted by bearwife at 9:27 AM on March 3, 2011

Oh. One second after hitting "Post Comment", I realized you said "Mainers" and not "Mariners". I am dumb.

Go Sox!
posted by hincandenza at 9:27 AM on March 3, 2011

Also, you are my soul bro, hincandenza. Totally agree.
posted by bearwife at 9:27 AM on March 3, 2011

I think we borked the page, but this neck-punching white sox fan already approves.
posted by dinty_moore at 9:28 AM on March 3, 2011

Page not loading for me. GO CUBS!
posted by Metroid Baby at 9:30 AM on March 3, 2011

> I thought everyone was supposed to root for the team nearest to them

You seem to be missing the point of this chart. Hint: it involves humor.
posted by languagehat at 9:31 AM on March 3, 2011

When I hear

If you look at me again I will punch you in the face.

I think, Phillies phan.
posted by Rarebit Fiend at 9:32 AM on March 3, 2011

A comment elsewhere suggested a slight addendum...

'I cry myself to sleep every night during the baseball season?' Yes --> Montreal Expos

Ended up properly at the Blue Jays, even though the Jays logic is faulty. Most people attending a Jays game do in fact need to be told by the Jumbotron to cheer. I however do not, so maybe they are talking about actual fans, rather than the people who go to the games.
posted by dry white toast at 9:32 AM on March 3, 2011

the Red Sox are like a religion if you grew up with them: you don't change your faith just because you move to a different part of the country.

Yes. No matter where you live, you will always be a citizen of Red Sox Nation.
posted by sonika at 9:32 AM on March 3, 2011

Asking as someone who's only ever been to one baseball game, what's the trick to bringing in booze? I brought an empty travel mug, and even that caused a delay at the security check.
posted by roll truck roll at 9:34 AM on March 3, 2011

I thought everyone was supposed to root for the team nearest to them, even when the team's city might have nothing in terms of common interest with where you are.

I grew up in New England.

I later moved to New York.

There is absolutely no way in the depths of HELL I would support either the Mets or the Yankees.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:35 AM on March 3, 2011 [2 favorites]

Also, I use sports to distract myself from the drudgery of my horrible life, but the self-loathing scale is a good one too.
posted by Rarebit Fiend at 9:35 AM on March 3, 2011

When I hear

If you look at me again I will punch you in the face.

I think, Phillies phan.

I did the exact same thing and ended up as a goddamned Tigers fan.

I am not a Tigers fan. If you say that again, flowchart, I will PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE.

*flips police car*
posted by MidAtlantic at 9:38 AM on March 3, 2011 [3 favorites]

I'm with swift and notmydesk, Mets fan who landed on the Mets, and whats worse, I can't really argue with any of the logic that got me there.

Here too, and what's worse, the chart has already converted one of my unaffiliated friends to the cause.
posted by RogerB at 9:38 AM on March 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

I usually root for the ball.
posted by Burhanistan at 9:39 AM on March 3, 2011 [2 favorites]

And for the soccer fans. A Guide to Choosing an MLS team.
posted by The Giant Squid at 9:42 AM on March 3, 2011 [3 favorites]

why settle for just rooting for the Mets when the Mets are hiring?
posted by any major dude at 9:45 AM on March 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

"and yes to "I care if my team ever wins another game," which no Detroit sports fan can truly say."

We're a lock to take second in the AL Central! What more do you want?!
posted by klangklangston at 9:49 AM on March 3, 2011 [2 favorites]

Cardinals fans are the best in baseball (catch a foul ball, give it to a kid). As advertised.

I totally agree with the statement that "Cardinals fans are the best in baseball", but it should be noted that the chart gets to the Cardinals by not giving the ball to the kid. Which actually seems accurate - I might say that I will give the ball to a kid, but if I actually caught one, well, yeah, I'd probably keep it.

Says someone who has been going to Cardinals games since he was little but has never actually caught a foul in a professional game. Of course I'd keep it!
posted by mysterpigg at 9:51 AM on March 3, 2011

So I'm not supposed to root for the Washington Generals, now?

Little-known fact: The Washington Generals are the best baseball team ever assembled in the history of this planet.

Unfortunately, due to a clerical error, they have been playing basketball in New York since 1917.

(One time they won. My favorite bit in that article alludes to the Globetrotters being "forced to play normal basketball.")
posted by schmod at 9:51 AM on March 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

"'I cry myself to sleep every night during the baseball season?' Yes --> Montreal Expos"

Montreal Expos no longer exist. Luckily, the Nationals have continued the tradition of excellence.
posted by klangklangston at 9:53 AM on March 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

Montreal Expos no longer exist

I'm pretty sure that was the point. And it truly is shameful how hard the Nationals try to pretend they're a new expansion team rather than honoring any of the Expos' history at all. What would it cost them to re-retire Raines's and Staub's and Dawson's and Carter's numbers and put up a plaque somewhere?
posted by RogerB at 9:56 AM on March 3, 2011 [2 favorites]

Go A's
posted by pianomover at 9:57 AM on March 3, 2011

Speaking of, the Expo^H^H^H^H Nationals recently acquired one of my favorite players of all time: Matt Stairs. I was sad to see him off the Phillies roster but at least I can watch him play close to home now.
posted by Loto at 9:58 AM on March 3, 2011

And rooting for the Yankees is like rooting for AT&T.
posted by pianomover at 10:00 AM on March 3, 2011 [2 favorites]

nathancaswell: "actually, i cheated on the chowder section too, cause really, who tailgates at a baseball game? hot dogs during the 2nd and 7th inning, obviousl"

Us Yankee fans tailgate at a baseball game. In the lot I park in, hard by the river below the Deagan, it is bbq city. And beers. And probably pregnant ladies smoking beers as noted above. I get to the game about an hour and a half before first pitch to really get my game on.

But I have to say the best "tailgate" experience I had at a baseball game was back in the mid 80s when I lived in Chicago. My buddy and I decided to take a road trip to County Stadium for a Yankee-Brewer game. We finally arrive in the lot and no sooner had we opened our car doors did a guy in a golf cart with a keg strapped to the back ask us if we wanted to buy some beer!! Turns out he worked for the stadium. Ahh, Milwaukee, beer, the Yankees and more beer. I love that town. Eventual rain out too. But sitting in the stands under the overhang meeting locals and joining in a hearts tournament (two groups of 4 playing to 100, top two from each game advance to championship game, losing 4 buy championship game a round) was a highlight of my time in Chicago.

Having been a long-time suffering Yankee fan, yes suffering if you ever watched Horace Clark and Jerry Kinney turn a double play or Lindy McDaniel try to get a save, I can say that the old man Steinbrenner really saved baseball from itself. He made the Yankees relevant again and got the national media attention that helped drive baseball into the modern era of sports/money making.

As for keeping a foul ball rather than give it to the kid, I attended about 25 games at Wrigley and finally did catch a foul ball off the bat of then Cubs pitcher Gregg Maddox. No kid to give it to so I kept it, but in the walk home down Clark Street having a catch with it with my friend who might have had one more baseball beverage than I did, he tossed it high and into the plate glass window of a hair place on Clark about halfway between Belmont and Diversey across from Gabby. One expensive foul ball. 25 years later, I still have it but it has a lot of black scuff marks on it from all the times it hit the street on that long stubbling walk home. Oh, I forgot to mention the stop at the Cubbie Bear pre walk home.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 10:01 AM on March 3, 2011

When I moved here I could have picked the Giants or the A's. It appears I made the right choice.
posted by TwoWordReview at 10:01 AM on March 3, 2011

Giants fan. "The Clear" joke at the last hurdle is cute; much more likely to have one of Herb Caen's Vitamin-V martinis in there, though.
posted by chavenet at 10:02 AM on March 3, 2011

> And it truly is shameful how hard the Nationals try to pretend they're a new expansion team rather than honoring any of the Expos' history at all.

I don't really see that as a bad thing. When the Houston Oilers moved to Tennessee and were renamed to Titans, there was still some lingering nostalgia-based fandom in Houston that I found odd. Teams don't have reincarnating souls. Teams are a marriage of players, locale, and fans. Their histories are well documented, but after a physical move and several years of new rosters (comprised of players from all over), then it truly is not at all the same team. Maybe there are some behind the scenes support staff that contribute to some kind of continued atmosphere, but I don't think it's necessary to make an expansion or relocated team beholden to any aspect of its past (beyond universals like good sportsmanship or involvement in local charities, etc).
posted by Burhanistan at 10:02 AM on March 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

My baseball fandom is based almost entirely on the first Nintendo game I ever owned, RBI Baseball. The Red Sox were my team then, and it stuck even though I was growing up in northern BC and ostensibly supposed to cheer for the Jays (though they played thousands of miles away) or the Mariners (though they were from another country). I still cheer for those teams, but only if their winning will not hurt the Sox in anyway. Of course, that's been a pretty moot point for the Mariners lately.
posted by synecdoche at 10:02 AM on March 3, 2011

What's sad is that I landed on the Mariners. And I'm a Mariners fan. I mean, it's not a skinny foam latte, it's a cappuchino, but just shoot me now. Admitted I usually spend the first three innings across the street at the brewery getting my swerve on, after which point the scalpers are selling tickets at 3 for $5 ( i am not actually kidding). At which point it's not so much baseball but "watch some celebrities stand around in some grass."
But yeah, the flowchart worked for me. Why don't I care if my team doesn't win?
posted by Stonestock Relentless at 10:04 AM on March 3, 2011

Pirates it is.

This flowchart is pretty funny, and just knowledgeable enough to show the effort the author put into it. I approve.
posted by elder18 at 10:06 AM on March 3, 2011

I've been going to Pirates games for 21 years now and have seen them win exactly one time in all those games. And I still keep going (but I won't drink IC Light).

Next Pittsburgh meet up should be for a game. We'll be the only ones there at this rate. (And if they do a craft brew night again this year, we'll even get good beer.)

It breaks my heart that when Chuck Tanner died recently, they pointed out that our last championship was under his tenure in '79. NINETEEN SEVENTY NINE. Most of our current players weren't even born yet.
posted by librarianamy at 10:07 AM on March 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

Oh man, following the actual flow-chart, I could very easily end up as either a Red Sox or a Twins fan, because HOW CAN YOU SAY NO TO HOTDISH?

What's weird is that this is kind of freakishly accurate as my mother comes from Minnesota and thus I am genetically bound to a long line of Twins fans.

HOTDISH 4EVA!
posted by sonika at 10:11 AM on March 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

I'm with swift and notmydesk, Mets fan who landed on the Mets, and whats worse, I can't really argue with any of the logic that got me there.

Nth... the question is, do I hate myself because I am a Mets fan, or am I a Mets fan because I hate myself, or am I a Mets fan because I grew up and live in NY and I hate myself because I grew up and live in NY, or did Ralph Kiner do this to me...
posted by lulz at 10:14 AM on March 3, 2011

It's funny how they imply Cubs fans overturn police cars after World Series wins as I'm not even sure Chicago had police cars back then.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 10:19 AM on March 3, 2011 [6 favorites]

The Dodgers section should end with: "Tailgate Food? I wouldn't know because the LAPD arrested me and 131 other people attempting to tailgate before the game."

http://www.usatoday.com/sports/baseball/nl/2010-04-14-3885774667_x.htm
posted by sideshow at 10:19 AM on March 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

I skipped right to the hot dish and my beloved Twins. Didn't need all the crap in between.
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 10:21 AM on March 3, 2011

Tigers get a bad path, as do the Brew Crew.

Not surprisingly, it's easy to be a Giants fan. I, too, am glad they went with "The Clear" instead of the very obvious "Chardonnay."

Let's go, Gigantes! (good luck, boys. i smell a long year.)
posted by mrgrimm at 10:21 AM on March 3, 2011

The big question is which bleachers still let you smoke a joint without getting kicked out? None? (I suppose that would be the downside of anti-smoking regulations ... now the squares can spot us!)
posted by mrgrimm at 10:22 AM on March 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

We're a lock to take second in the AL Central! What more do you want?!

People would show up to Comerica even if the Tigers became, well, the Lions of MLB. That's all I mean.
posted by The demon that lives in the air at 10:31 AM on March 3, 2011

Yikes, tough to be a Brewer fan in this chart, just like real life. Though I have to say that I stopped at the A's because the lack of parity in baseball means my poor Brewers won't have a chance at a championship until at least 2108.
posted by look busy at 10:31 AM on March 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

I'm not much into sports, but I default to the Yankees because growing up in my folk's home, the Yankees logo was almost as ubiquitous as the Crucifix.

Soul or not, frankly, I'm gonna need a better reason not to like them aside from "They're awesome and they win all the time."
posted by Uther Bentrazor at 10:31 AM on March 3, 2011

Next Pittsburgh meet up should be for a game. We'll be the only ones there at this rate. (And if they do a craft brew night again this year, we'll even get good beer.)

I'm there. And they do serve Yuengling so we don't have to drink Iron City.
posted by octothorpe at 10:33 AM on March 3, 2011

after a physical move and several years of new rosters (comprised of players from all over), then it truly is not at all the same team

Some fantasy of perfect continuity is not the point of thinking a team should honor its history. Of course the Nationals are not the Expos. However, they were the Expos — and they currently pretend that they were not. We shouldn't just forget how baseball shafted Montreal fans, and the Nationals' attempt to just happily erase their history is an insult to the fans who rooted for the Expos and the players who played for them. To think this is a shame is not to claim that the relocated team shares some ineffable essence with the Expos.

Don't you think it's a bit of a slight to Tim Raines and Gary Carter to un-retire their numbers? How does it make the Nats "beholden" to their history just to ask that they acknowledge it? I don't see how you get the idea that it's a choice between thinking it's still "the same team" or total historical amnesia.
posted by RogerB at 10:35 AM on March 3, 2011 [3 favorites]

it's not so much that Yankees fans have no soul (they don't), it's that since they win all the fucking time, they don't get to enjoy funny flowcharts.
posted by Stonestock Relentless at 10:43 AM on March 3, 2011

And rooting for the Yankees is like rooting for AT&T.

I get great reception with AT&T! #winning
posted by mintcake! at 10:46 AM on March 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

librarianamy: "Next Pittsburgh meet up should be for a game."

I'll go to that. Take my kids a few times a year-we usually catch a win or two.
posted by Chrysostom at 10:51 AM on March 3, 2011

"They're awesome and they win all the time."

They're not awesome (or name the ones who are, please), and they don't win all the time. Far from it.

Rooting for the Yankees is like rooting for the Cowboys, Lakers (or Celtics), or even my beloved Red Wings these days.

Unless you have lived in the city (metro area is OK) and attended games in person (or could not afford to and snuck in and/or followed all the free games on TV/radio), you are not allowed to root for those teams. It's that simple.

Otherwise, you are just LeBron Fucking James. And probably happy about it.
posted by mrgrimm at 10:53 AM on March 3, 2011

(i.e. you grow up in Ohio but root for the Yankees because they are "winners" - you're doing it wrong.)
posted by mrgrimm at 10:55 AM on March 3, 2011

Soul or not, frankly, I'm gonna need a better reason not to like them aside from "They're awesome and they win all the time."

Well, Roger Clemens throwing a bat at Mike Piazza did it for me, but look around - you'll find something! Most recently Hank Steinbrenner trying to rally people around moving teams out of their smaller market homes could do the trick, but really, just believe in yourself and you won't have to search far.

By the way, as for the Clemens-Piazza thing, it wasn't even so much that Clemens is an asshole. Everyone already knew that Clemens was an asshole. It's that every fucking Yankees fan tried to bend over backwards to defend him.

"Oh, he thought it was the ball"
Really? So, he was throwing the ball at the runner instead of the first baseman?
"Well, it just proves how passionate he is"
So the Yankees show passion through breaking the rules and having violent hissy fits when they don't pitch well?
"Fuck you go Yankees I have no soul blah blah blah!"

It was after having that conversation several times that I became a passionate Red Sox fan, because seriously, fuck the Yankees and everything they stand for.
posted by Navelgazer at 10:55 AM on March 3, 2011 [3 favorites]

Non-sports fan here. Amusing chart, and really, much more "logical" than most other reasons (?) people cite for cheering for any particular team.
posted by davidmsc at 10:58 AM on March 3, 2011

RE: The Yankees

If I may quote myself, rooting for the Yankees is like rooting for the Empire.
posted by klangklangston at 11:00 AM on March 3, 2011

I'm a Dodger fan by default (by nature of birthplace and having Dodger fan parents), and I would be kind of embarassed to eat sushi at a Dodger game. I love sushi but sushi < Dodger Dogs with Gordon Biersch garlic fries - but only at a Dodger game.
Interestingly, when I take the NOT embarassed path I end up on the Giants which is juuuuust fine with me.
posted by ApathyGirl at 11:01 AM on March 3, 2011

I like how gravy in the thermos and "what's in the thermos" "too gross, can't say" are mutally exclusive.
posted by peep at 11:07 AM on March 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

mutually, even.
posted by peep at 11:07 AM on March 3, 2011

Soul or not, frankly, I'm gonna need a better reason not to like them aside from "They're awesome and they win all the time."

In the spirit of full disclosure: I'm a Red Sox fan, so I may have a bit of a bias. But the Yankees seem to have the greatest percentage of "sore winners" amongst its fans that I've ever seen. When they win against the Red Sox, the fact that they win isn't enough for some fans -- they have to go seek out Red Sox fans and catcall and taunt them and rub their noses in it like the jocks you tried to avoid in school. When the Red Sox finally broke "the curse," some Yankees fans snapped up t-shirts that crowed, basically, "so what that you won once, we've won 26 times in the past 80 years, so neener."

To be fair, the one Yankees/Red Sox game I've ever been to in Yankee Stadium had a mix of cool people who confined their ribbing to the good-natured variety, and we all shook hands afterward and said it was a good game. But some other Yankees fans really, really come across as spoiled brats. There are Red Sox fans who do as well, don't get me wrong, but there seem to be so very many more of them among the Yankees fans. (Okay, yeah, you did win 26 pennants -- but does that give you the excuse to be such a DICK about it?...)
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:08 AM on March 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

If I may quote myself, rooting for the Yankees is like rooting for the Empire.

Yes. Precisely. I fully plan on teaching my soon-to-be-born son (who already has a Red Sox jersey, despite still being in utero) - "Son. These are the Yankees. Look closely, for there is the face of evil."
posted by sonika at 11:26 AM on March 3, 2011 [2 favorites]

Matt Stairs has the best batting stance in the world, at least in PS3 MLB '10.
posted by jtron at 11:28 AM on March 3, 2011

To be fair, my old roommate was a Yankee fan, and he and I would go to Sox-Yankee games at the Stadium together under a cool sort of truce. I remember at one one game Manny Ramirez hit what should have been a homer except that Melky Cabrerra basically jumped over the left field wall in order to snatch it - one of the best plays I've ever seen in person no matter what team he played for.

But then, Manny comes out for his side and they're throwing the ball around the horn while all e teenage Yankee fans in our box are shouting "Manny Sucks!" over and over (I should mention that we were in the first row.) Manny gets the ball, smiles, and tosses it up to one of the kids jeering at him, leading to the kdis shouting "throw it back! throw it back! Throw it at his head!"

Then my Yankee fan roomie stood up (he was a big guy, and a bouncer) and told the kids not to be dicks, and they obeyed.

So Yankee fans can be cool. Sometimes.
posted by Navelgazer at 11:31 AM on March 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

Is the link broken, or have I done something wrong?
posted by jpziller at 11:43 AM on March 3, 2011

Shouldn't all you Yankee-haters be directing your venom more at the owners of your own teams? The Steinbrenners pay millions upon millions of dollars to each of them every year to create parity which they in turn pocket instead of investing it back in their team - which was the original intent of the luxury tax. The Steinbrenners aren't even within the top 10 wealthiest people in MLB yet they continually spend the more money than any other sports team in order to give their fans something to cheer about.
posted by any major dude at 11:46 AM on March 3, 2011

The link is broken for me too so I'm just going to assume there's something about it I don't like.
posted by Bonzai at 11:48 AM on March 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

> Shouldn't all you Yankee-haters be directing your venom more at the owners of your own teams?

You're throwing uncooked rice in a stormy ocean and expecting to get delicately rolled sushi treats, my friend. Fandom doesn't operate on logic.
posted by Burhanistan at 11:49 AM on March 3, 2011 [2 favorites]

Alternate link
posted by rmannion at 11:50 AM on March 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

Can't wait for 2108!
posted by drezdn at 11:56 AM on March 3, 2011

> If there were a team in any sport named the Astrolabes, I would be a fan on principle.

What about The Astroglides?
posted by mmrtnt at 12:04 PM on March 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

In the spirit of full disclosure: I'm a Red Sox fan etc etc etc

In the spirit of full disclosure: I'm a Yankees fan, and listening to Red Sox fans judge anyone else's fans is hysterical. Hey guys, start a "Yankees suck" chant at a unrelated event lately? Wear a "Jeter has AIDS" shirt recently? Complain about the Yankees spending too much money when -gasp- the Red Sox are second in MLB payroll?

To be fair, I've met some good Red Sox fans. But I'll just judge all of them by the bad ones, because that's completely fair and logical.
posted by inigo2 at 12:08 PM on March 3, 2011 [2 favorites]

Crap.

Yankees, and I don't even care about baseball unless the Dodgers are in the playoffs.
posted by mmrtnt at 12:10 PM on March 3, 2011

The Steinbrenners pay millions upon millions of dollars to each of them every year to create parity which they in turn pocket instead of investing it back in their team - which was the original intent of the luxury tax.

And to this point, in the past few years there were more than a couple teams (allegedly) taking in more money in revenue sharing than they were spending on their playoffs. THOSE are the owners you should hate. (Or hate both kinds. I understand that, too. Just remember that Steinbrenners are playing within the rules; those teams aren't, and if MLB wasn't such pushovers they'd actually be penalized.)
posted by inigo2 at 12:11 PM on March 3, 2011

Shouldn't all you Yankee-haters be directing your venom more at the owners of your own teams?

...

The Steinbrenners aren't even within the top 10 wealthiest people in MLB yet they continually spend the more money than any other sports team in order to give their fans something to cheer about.

The personal wealth of the ownership is less relevant here than team value and revenue. By the nature of their massive built-in (local) and and acquired (rappers and posers) audience, the Yankees are by far the #1 wealthiest team in the league. (I'll see if I can back that up ...)

Ah. Forbes has tons of data in its Business of Baseball 2010 report.

The #1 Yankees took in $441 million in revenue in 2010. The #2 Red Sox, $266 million. There's just no comparison. I don't know if there is a reasonable fix for the situation, but the Yankees have a huge inherent advantage.

Thus, you cannot root for them unless you live or have lived in the area and gone to games or followed them on TV/radio extremely closely. You simply cannot. It's like rooting for Coca-Cola, Halliburton, or Microsoft.
posted by mrgrimm at 12:12 PM on March 3, 2011

Did no one mirror this? Shame. Always like a good font of outrage.
posted by umberto at 12:14 PM on March 3, 2011

> Asking as someone who's only ever been to one baseball game, what's the trick to bringing in booze? I brought an empty travel mug, and even that caused a delay at the security check.

Make sure your breasts are larger than the mug.
posted by mmrtnt at 12:14 PM on March 3, 2011

And to this point, in the past few years there were more than a couple teams (allegedly) taking in more money in revenue sharing than they were spending on their playoffs. THOSE are the owners you should hate.

I agree completely. Guys like Lew Wolff and Jeff Loria suck ass.

I don't hate the Steinbrenners at all. There's no reason to. I just dislike their baseball team.
posted by mrgrimm at 12:16 PM on March 3, 2011

Asking as someone who's only ever been to one baseball game, what's the trick to bringing in booze? I brought an empty travel mug, and even that caused a delay at the security check.

No container. Cups are easy to come by (buy a mixer). Plastic bags taped to your legs is one (perhaps extreme) solution, but there are a million others.
posted by mrgrimm at 12:18 PM on March 3, 2011

You're throwing uncooked rice in a stormy ocean and expecting to get delicately rolled sushi treats, my friend. Fandom doesn't operate on logic.

Burhanistan, you are correct, and it's been a long time theory of mine that the Republican party has co-opted this sports team phenomena to brainwash Americans into voting against their own interests.
posted by any major dude at 12:28 PM on March 3, 2011

I don't know if there is a reasonable fix for the situation

Salary. Cap.
posted by nathancaswell at 12:28 PM on March 3, 2011

Did we break the image link?
posted by Mental Wimp at 12:32 PM on March 3, 2011

The first time I went to a baseball game (the Rays, or some iteration thereof - was a while back) nobody warned me about the goddamn cowbells. Cowbells cowbells COWBELLS JESUS FUCKING GOD THE COWBELLS.

Then everyone laughed at me when, on the way out, I said I preferred hockey because it's more civilized.
posted by cmyk at 12:33 PM on March 3, 2011

Asking as someone who's only ever been to one baseball game, what's the trick to bringing in booze? I brought an empty travel mug, and even that caused a delay at the security check.

I've brought g&ts in in Sigg-type water bottles, and also once a camelbak. Oh, and hip flasks. But I suspect that because I am not a 20-something male, I am assumed to be a) less likely to be smuggling contraband and/or b) less likely to become a drunken raging asshole during the game, and am therefore given some benefit of the doubt.
posted by rtha at 12:51 PM on March 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

To be fair, I've met some good Red Sox fans. But I'll just judge all of them by the bad ones, because that's completely fair and logical.

It's a shame you're doing that, because you'll note that this Red Sox fan expressly stated that it was only a portion of Yankees fans who behaved boorishly. And what's more, this Red Sox fan even told a story of the one Yankees game she went to where everyone behaved themselves and stated that she knew that that was the norm.

...But, that's because this Red Sox fan actually isn't judging all Yankees fans by the bad ones. You should try doing that sometime.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:54 PM on March 3, 2011

And you'll note that I didn't give in to the temptation to crack a joke about "there's proof about Yankees fans having no souls", because that would be neither fair nor logical.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:55 PM on March 3, 2011

rmannion posted the alternate location above, I missed it, thanks.
posted by umberto at 1:10 PM on March 3, 2011

Shouldn't all you Yankee-haters be directing your venom more at the owners of your own teams?

Oh, no. I don't have a team. I don't really follow baseball, so although I was raised in a family that loves the Red Sox, it doesn't matter to me whether they win or lose. I just hate the Yankees, is all.
posted by Greg Nog at 1:28 PM on March 3, 2011 [3 favorites]

FORBIDDEN

Perhaps they sensed my Britishness and were worried I would come in here making some dig about rounders.

Anyways, perhaps someone could recommend a team for me?

Likes: Vomiting
Dislikes: Children
posted by biffa at 1:45 PM on March 3, 2011

Likes: Vomiting
Dislikes: Children

That's easy, then: Phillies.
posted by RogerB at 1:50 PM on March 3, 2011 [8 favorites]

OK, that's funny - Red Sox (my team) on my first pass through, answering legitimately and not trying to game the flowchart. I admit that I experimented with the National League in college (go Cubs), but it didn't stick.

That said, I grew up in Portland, where there was neither a home team nor a collective agreement about the right team to support, but I was a Ducks football fan in the 70s so I was used to heartbreak. That's why the Cubs and Sox made sense, pre-Sosa and pre-pink-Sox-hats. I like underdogs. It makes it kind of hard to stay a Sox fan these days.
posted by catlet at 2:51 PM on March 3, 2011

You guys do know that Abélard and Héloïse named their kid Astrolabe, right?
posted by tangerine at 2:51 PM on March 3, 2011

You guys do know that Abélard and Héloïse named their kid Astrolabe, right?

Poor little Astrolabe...
posted by Mental Wimp at 3:07 PM on March 3, 2011

I would like someone to make charts like this for all the pro sports (at least the major ones) but do it based not on one's personality, but by their preferences. References to not having a soul or wanting to punch people in the neck... that's not preferences.

Believe it or not, some of us try our best to have reasons to root for a team.
posted by grubi at 3:14 PM on March 3, 2011

As a Braves fan, I feel a little cheated. :(

Also, there should be a question at the top: "Do you like baseball?" The "yes" branch would lead to the National League, the "no" to the American.
posted by sonic meat machine at 3:15 PM on March 3, 2011 [6 favorites]

When I hear

If you look at me again I will punch you in the face.

I think, Phillies phan.

Please. You're selling Phillies fans short.

It's actually "If you look at me again I will intentionally vomit on your 11 year old daughter."
posted by Flunkie at 3:32 PM on March 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

Wear a "Jeter has AIDS" shirt recently?

No, but I saw a bumper sticker the other day that said "JETER DRINKS WINE COOLERS" and I nearly died laughing.

And I kind of totally want one. The sticker, not the tshirt.
posted by sonika at 3:37 PM on March 3, 2011

Also, there should be a question at the top: "Do you like baseball?" The "yes" branch would lead to the National League, the "no" to the American.

Close, but better phrased with "do you like baseball's rhythm to be broken up every nine batters in order to humialite an otherwise exceptional athlete, purely for the sake of preserving how the sport was played in the 1800's?"
posted by Navelgazer at 3:39 PM on March 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

As a Braves fan, I feel a little cheated. :(

Did you do the tomahawk chop? (Do they still?)

Also, there should be a question at the top: "Do you like baseball?" The "yes" branch would lead to the National League, the "no" to the American.

Heh. I'm a National League (Giants) fan myself, and I have a lot of friends/fantasy acquaintances who like baseball, and I read a lot of baseball writers. The most intelligent and informed are usually pro-DH (most notable exception would be Rob Neyer), but that could just be my crowd. I prefer no-DH, but those guys whole like the DH really love baseball too. I swear. ymmv.
posted by mrgrimm at 3:43 PM on March 3, 2011

Close, but better phrased with "do you like baseball's rhythm to be broken up every nine batters in order to humialite an otherwise exceptional athlete, purely for the sake of preserving how the sport was played in the 1800's?"

Pfft. The pitcher being in the order makes substitutions more interesting and changes the dynamic of the lineup card. Plus it gives teams less incentives to pay aging juicers ridiculous amounts of money.
posted by sonic meat machine at 3:43 PM on March 3, 2011

Perhaps, but "making substitutions more interesting" does not to me justify turning a pitcher - someone who is already doing a phenomenally difficult job - into what amounts to a biathalete. Especially when it raises his already high injury risk.

Plus the American League is just infinitely more fun for me to watch. Opinions may vary, but the only enjoyment I get out of watching the National League is that the uniforms make me feel like it's still 1986.
posted by Navelgazer at 3:46 PM on March 3, 2011

Did you do the tomahawk chop? (Do they still?)

They give out foam tomahawks, but the "tomahawk chop" has lost some popularity. People mostly just wave the foam ones around. There's still the chant, though.

Heh. I'm a National League (Giants) fan myself, and I have a lot of friends/fantasy acquaintances who like baseball, and I read a lot of baseball writers. The most intelligent and informed are usually pro-DH (most notable exception would be Rob Neyer), but that could just be my crowd. I prefer no-DH, but those guys whole like the DH really love baseball too. I swear. ymmv.

Which baseball writer do you prefer?
posted by sonic meat machine at 3:46 PM on March 3, 2011

Perhaps, but "making substitutions more interesting" does not to me justify turning a pitcher - someone who is already doing a phenomenally difficult job - into what amounts to a biathalete. Especially when it raises his already high injury risk.

Plus the American League is just infinitely more fun for me to watch. Opinions may vary, but the only enjoyment I get out of watching the National League is that the uniforms make me feel like it's still 1986.

Fair enough. I know the logic behind the DH rule, but it just strikes me as wrong for a player to be able to get out of batting. Maybe it has something to do with the Orioles being my natural AL team. Or possibly the Rays. Hard to decide which is worse.
posted by sonic meat machine at 3:53 PM on March 3, 2011

Pfft. The pitcher being in the order makes substitutions more interesting and changes the dynamic of the lineup card.

Not really; it makes it different. It's more interesting in some ways, but less in others.

For example, it makes a lot of things extremely predictable. You know a bunt is coming, or you know a pinch hitter is coming. It causes managing on autopilot, rather than additional strategy, in many, many cases.
posted by Flunkie at 3:57 PM on March 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

sonic meat machine: to be more fair, I grew up in Houston, but Astros games were never much fun, and the first baseball card I ever pulled out of a pack was a Cal Ripken Jr. MVP card, which made 6-year-old me an Orioles fan. I'd watch their games on TV and love them, and for some reason they were better than games at the 'dome. They were always playing the Rangers in those games, so I made them bitter rivals in my mind. (With hindsight, I realize that Rangers games were the only times that I'd see the O's on t.v. in Texas.)

When I moved to New York for college, I hadn't paid any attention to baseball in a long time, and tried my best to be a Yankee fan, but the aforementioned "bat incident" made that impossible. So I started paying attention to the Red Sox, which si where I finally fell deeply in love with the sport.

In short, I've spent my whole life cheering for someone in the AL East, which is the Thunderdome of divisions in the MLB. Other divisions are hard for me to care much about now. That said, I'll root for the Mets, because I've had great times at Shea (haven't been to the new stadium, not much interest in it.) I still enjoy the fact that, in New York, The Braves recieve a hatred which is more passionate than the love I see for them in Atlanta. I'm guessing John Rocker has a little bit to do with that.
posted by Navelgazer at 3:58 PM on March 3, 2011

go mariners? or else the Angels, depending on whether I care if they win.
posted by epersonae at 4:01 PM on March 3, 2011

Believe it or not, some of us try our best to have reasons to root for a team.

Oh, grubi, welcome to the club! It's been a pretty depressing ~35 years of rooting for the Lions for me. But they will always be my team.

Then there was 1980.

We do have the best colors, I'll give you that.

Pfft. The pitcher being in the order makes substitutions more interesting and changes the dynamic of the lineup card.

Aside from the double switch, the only other real "strategy" is walking the 8th batter anytime there are runners on and 2 outs to strikeout the pitcher instead. (I also prefer the pitcher hitting, but I understand the other side (and know that it's going to win eventually--most players like the DH better.)) Or what Flunkie just said about "autopilot strategy."

Which baseball writer do you prefer?

I think Neyer is one of the best. Joe Posnanski is a great writer, though more of a generalist now, I suppose. My fantasy group has gotten more and more competitive over the past ... 15 years, so now I mostly read baseball for stats, news, and fantasy analysis. To be honest, it's taken a bit of the old fun out of the game (while adding in a whole new layer of fun).
posted by mrgrimm at 4:02 PM on March 3, 2011

I've always liked Mike Lupica, but given what I've written so far, that shouldn't surprise anyone.
posted by Navelgazer at 4:10 PM on March 3, 2011

Close, but better phrased with "do you like baseball's rhythm to be broken up every nine batters in order to humialite an otherwise exceptional athlete, purely for the sake of preserving how the sport was played in the 1800's?"

Watching AL pitchers batting during interleague is novelty slapstick gold though, right? I am not the only one who thinks this...
posted by tigrefacile at 4:11 PM on March 3, 2011 [2 favorites]

oh no doubt, tigrefacile. Fun to watch David Ortiz play infield as well.
posted by Navelgazer at 4:17 PM on March 3, 2011 [2 favorites]

On the face of it, there is little to distinguish Red Sox Fans from Yankee Fans. Both teams have die-hard fans in faraway places. Both teams have enormous payrolls.

But here's the deal, when the Yankees win over your podunk team, they'll jeer and rub your face in the mud. When they lose, they'll sneer about past glories and dismiss your team's triumph as a fluke, a minor glitch on the way to another ring. The Yankees are for triumphalists.

When the Red Sox win, they'll talk about the history of your team and how the epic pitching duel you just saw compares with previous matchups, have solid opinions on what's right and wrong with your team, and commiserate with you if you're having a terrible year. When the Sawx lose, they'll hate you with the heat of a million suns, which you must admit is flattering.

You root for the Yankees if you love winning. You root for the Red Sox if you love baseball.
posted by Slap*Happy at 7:11 PM on March 3, 2011 [7 favorites]

Watching AL pitchers batting during interleague is novelty slapstick gold though, right?

I remember the first or second year they did this. It was at a family BBQ, and the Sox were playing on the TV inside as everyone ate out on the (huge!) deck... as she was bringing out a big pot of potato salad, my Mom stopped, stared at the TV, and said, very quietly, "Pedro's at bat!"

The deck was deserted in an instant. You never saw so many swamp-yankees try to crowd around a TV set at once. Pedro looked like a bat-boy wandered too near home-plate. It was like watching Michael Jackson in a batting cage.
posted by Slap*Happy at 7:21 PM on March 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

David Ortiz has majestic grace and I won't hear another word about it.
posted by LobsterMitten at 7:49 PM on March 3, 2011 [5 favorites]

Randy Johnson was the worst. His front foot was going straight toward third. And he lasted fine in the NL.
posted by mrgrimm at 8:48 PM on March 3, 2011

I like the Cyclones because a) they're accessible by subway and b) I can (almost) afford to go.

"And rooting for the Yankees any sport team corporation (Packers excepted) is like rooting for AT&T."

As always with sports, it's meant to be played, not watched. Do we have enough NYC mefites to field a team? Softball, maybe?
posted by Eideteker at 6:06 AM on March 4, 2011

jonmc can be our gravel-voiced curmudgeonly catcher

TPS at shortstop, obv.

for some reason, I see hermitosis as our pitcher (not a gay joke)

The Whelk can play 3rd and be the heart of the team
posted by Eideteker at 6:10 AM on March 4, 2011

Oh, grubi, welcome to the club! It's been a pretty depressing ~35 years of rooting for the Lions for me. But they will always be my team.

Since that post, I've purchase a handful of Lions jerseys (including a gorgeous home blue Calvin Johnson with the CORRECT block numbers, not those goofy "futuristic" ones they chose two years ago). And I saw, my first real NFL game when the Lions bested the Bucs in Tampa this past year. I was in the end zone section where the tying and winning field goals were kicked.

We do have the best colors, I'll give you that.

I love those throwback unis. Clean and workmanlike. If I was GM/HC of the Lions, I'd make that the primary one. Makes 'em look like they're there to get some work done, not show off.
posted by grubi at 7:43 AM on March 4, 2011

The Whelk can play 3rd and be the heart of the team

If I promise to move to the area, can I be second baseman?
posted by grubi at 7:44 AM on March 4, 2011

The creator, Paul Caputo, offers a Flickr link because the post crashed their website.
posted by General Malaise at 8:05 AM on March 4, 2011 [1 favorite]

The Whelk can play 3rd and be the heart of the team

Put me in right field and I'll man the outfield keg. I can hit like a champ but I prefer not to move laterally.
posted by mrgrimm at 10:04 AM on March 4, 2011