ASCIIpr0n

March 9, 2011 9:28 PM

[NSFW: contains graphically sexual crude images]

-'"       `::dHHHHHF    <j      HHHHb: :.: :.: 
           |:HHHHHF         _"-.HHHHP.: :.: :.:
            dHHHHF   ._  - /<jdHHHHF :.: : :.:.
             """      \"-."  dHHHF:F:.: :.: :.:
  _.--'           \ .  "-'  dHHHF:j\.: :.:.:.:.
'"                 \ `. _.dHHHH:::| \.:.: :.: :

Wanna see more? Visit asciipr0n.com, and peruse some of the sexiest keystrokes imaginable.
text adventure • 10 years ago via The Wayback Machine • jscott's textfiles.com has more ascii art and porn from back in the BBS days • asciip0rn linked previously (how to make a starship enterprise out of an old floppy disk)
posted by not_on_display (59 comments total)

When I was in middle school, I had to take a "Keyboarding" class that was a good 80 percent worksheets where you would hit characters according to a formula and have images (windmills, etc.) result.

I blame that class for my lifelong love of ascii porn.

(Too bad MeFi always fucks up the registration, especially now that the image tag is gone.)
posted by klangklangston at 9:39 PM on March 9, 2011

Once upon a time - say 1981 or so - I had a 5' long print out of one of these from a daisy-wheel printer on wide-carriage tractor-feed paper. The kind where the paper had a subtle background beige on alternating lines for readability. I was only a kid and I can't really remember whether it was more exciting having a computer printout or something that looked vaguely like a naked lady.
posted by GuyZero at 9:42 PM on March 9, 2011 [1 favorite]

Put a bunch of ASCII characters in a certain order, and they become people. Sometime you just have to stop and think, "Brains are cool."
posted by lholladay at 9:44 PM on March 9, 2011 [5 favorites]

I don't see it. What is it supposed to be?
posted by maryr at 9:52 PM on March 9, 2011

This page has been translated from Norwegian into English

Heh
posted by KokuRyu at 9:54 PM on March 9, 2011

You'll just have to imagine that, if MeFi supported .sigs, then mine in reply to this would be HUGE and likely endanger the world's supply of asterisks.
posted by Monsieur Caution at 9:55 PM on March 9, 2011 [2 favorites]

"Ok, I've skimmed the news headlines, the world's still screwed... Maybe MeFi will have some cats stuck in scanners.... Oooh ASCII porn!"

Thank you Metafilter for moments like these, when my boyfriend gives me the strangest looks.
posted by MuChao at 10:00 PM on March 9, 2011 [1 favorite]

I don't see it. What is it supposed to be?

You're lucky. It's horrible! There's a woman with three improbably large breasts doing the most unspeakable things with a vat of squid and she appears to have, uh, penises for nipples and some guy is doing I don't know what to a walrus and ferrets and butter and what the fuck, man?
posted by loquacious at 10:02 PM on March 9, 2011 [2 favorites]

___
___(D ({¡})

Sometimes less is more.
posted by nickyskye at 10:07 PM on March 9, 2011 [11 favorites]

Needs combining with url-hunter technology to write porn into the browser histories.
posted by Artw at 10:09 PM on March 9, 2011 [2 favorites]

Oh and ceiling cat is watching >^. .^<
posted by nickyskye at 10:12 PM on March 9, 2011 [13 favorites]

who the fuck takes the time to do this? and why?
posted by rainperimeter at 10:16 PM on March 9, 2011

...So it's not a schooner?
posted by maryr at 10:17 PM on March 9, 2011 [1 favorite]

metafilter: who the fuck takes the time to do this? and why?
posted by scrowdid at 10:22 PM on March 9, 2011 [7 favorites]

maryr: "...So it's not a schooner?"

The two parts where you see <j, those are eyes seagulls.
posted by not_on_display at 10:24 PM on March 9, 2011 [1 favorite]

You humans are strange and wonderous creatures.

But mostly strange.
posted by Avenger at 10:54 PM on March 9, 2011

I remember somebody's smirking dad
fresh from the Radio Shack
in his den off the family room of a Sunday
using one of these hyperliterate chicks
to show off -- AAA AAA AAAAAA --
his nude hot matrix printer.
posted by pracowity at 10:55 PM on March 9, 2011

who the fuck takes the time to do this? and why?

I believe it was written in the gospel of the Internet, under rule 34:

In the beginning there was a cursor,
Which blinketh on, and blinketh off.
With thy cursor, the Hacker created characters,
And this was good.

And the characters when placed together made code.
But the characters also revealed a greater truth.
If thy placeth enough characters on thy screen,
Thy shall receive shapes.
And those round shapes appear to be boobs.
And the V shape appears to be a crotch.
And thus Rule 34 is born.
If it exists, there shall be porn of it.

And furthermore, the Hacker proclaimed:
If it doth not exist, it shall be made!
So sayeth Rule 35.
posted by Mister Fabulous at 10:57 PM on March 9, 2011 [2 favorites]

I seem to recall dot matrix printers from the late 70s that could make near photo realistic images (when viewed from several feet away) using ASCII characters and multiple passes.
posted by Burhanistan at 11:00 PM on March 9, 2011

Porn in the woods for the digital age.
posted by carsonb at 11:00 PM on March 9, 2011 [1 favorite]

?
posted by Neofelis at 11:05 PM on March 9, 2011

The Dot Matrix is everywhere. It is all around us. Even now, in this very blog. You can see it when you look out your window or when you turn on your television. You can feel it when you go to work... when you go to church... when you look at porn. It is the world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth. One point at a time.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 11:18 PM on March 9, 2011 [3 favorites]

Very comprehensive curation. I'm glad to see they had all the (goat.cx) bases covered.
posted by mingo_clambake at 11:26 PM on March 9, 2011

The End. And Deep Throat to you all.
posted by Brocktoon at 11:41 PM on March 9, 2011

posted by not_on_display
eponysterical
posted by hypersloth at 11:53 PM on March 9, 2011

I'm concerned that this website enables the ASCII patriarchy.
posted by shii at 12:13 AM on March 10, 2011

Deep ASCII
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 12:45 AM on March 10, 2011

Heh. This is kinda funny. Takes me back. I thought it was a buzz when you could draw on a whole lot of punch cards and a Playboy logo would come out.

Some of the contributor pages are interesting.
posted by bdave at 2:03 AM on March 10, 2011

Explain the seagulls, please?
posted by randomyahoo at 3:04 AM on March 10, 2011

I would just like to add:

8====D -- -- -- --- (*)(*)
posted by mippy at 3:16 AM on March 10, 2011 [1 favorite]

The penis is grinning.
posted by mippy at 3:17 AM on March 10, 2011 [1 favorite]

These are much sexier if you're watching them print out verrrrry slowwwwly.
posted by chavenet at 3:41 AM on March 10, 2011 [6 favorites]

:)
posted by _aa_ at 3:47 AM on March 10, 2011

My Dad worked for IBM and he used to bring home printouts like the second one on this page. This would have been in the early to mid-1970's. I never thought of it before, but that place was 99% male at the time, they were probably printing out some ascii porn too.
posted by marxchivist at 4:03 AM on March 10, 2011

Once upon a time - say 1981 or so - I had a 5' long print out of one of these from a daisy-wheel printer on wide-carriage tractor-feed paper.

1981? I got a pile of ASCII-art on greenbar buried in a box in the back of the car-hole right now.
posted by mikelieman at 4:25 AM on March 10, 2011 [2 favorites]

This one (pinup08.txt) is described as "sultry 80s" but it looks more like Prince. Huh, well, that still works as an accurate description, does it not?
posted by NoMich at 4:28 AM on March 10, 2011

Oh! It's a lady!
posted by ersatzkat at 4:31 AM on March 10, 2011

rainperimeter: "who the fuck takes the time to do this? and why"


I clicked your profile because with a statement like that, I was so sure that you were under 25.
I was wrong and I apologize for my attempted ageism.

So, why? Imagine the days before the easy and accessible pornographic download: the dark ages of 1984. 6th grade. Typing class. You've just finished typing your hundredth picture of a windmill, or a mug of coffee or Ronald Reagan. A friend slips a piece of paper in front of you. "What is it?" "Trust me..just do it".

After school, I went home and headed right to my mom's typewriter. I entered each character slowly, methodically, following the formulas perfectly. The image started to emerge. I couldn't figure out what was in front of me, so I plodded on. I typed in the last character, tore the paper from the roller and took a good like. Not 6 inches from my eyes was a wondrous vagina. My world was changed ever after.

That's why.
posted by Cat Pie Hurts at 4:32 AM on March 10, 2011 [15 favorites]

I really hope that isn't eponyistical.
posted by sebastienbailard at 5:01 AM on March 10, 2011 [1 favorite]

I remember people sending these to the one (and only) line printer and then running to make sure no one else got there first. They worked fine just as long as you didn't have anything in the first column.

Oh look, time for my prune juice. Gotta go.
posted by tommasz at 5:04 AM on March 10, 2011

Make your own!
posted by 00dimitri00 at 5:23 AM on March 10, 2011

So is this what you do when Jessamyn doesn't give you enough attention?
posted by wheelieman at 5:42 AM on March 10, 2011 [1 favorite]

taptaptap.
posted by Cat Pie Hurts at 5:45 AM on March 10, 2011 [1 favorite]

wheelieman: "So is this what you do when Jessamyn doesn't give you enough attention?"

Yup.
posted by gman at 6:07 AM on March 10, 2011

Actually, I have posted smut to the front page a few times before--I wonder if I cross-mapped it to see if it's always around the time Jessamyn is going to a conference...

...well, I gotta get attention somehow... HEY LOOK EVERYONE! TEXTBOOBIES!
posted by not_on_display at 7:46 AM on March 10, 2011

SXSW should be interesting then....
posted by wheelieman at 7:47 AM on March 10, 2011

When I was twelve, this stuff was pure gold. I found a 3 1/2 inch floppy disc full of them once, and treasured it very much.
posted by Stagger Lee at 8:26 AM on March 10, 2011

> I found a 3 1/2 inch floppy disc full of them once

Please tell me you found this in the woods.
posted by Burhanistan at 8:33 AM on March 10, 2011 [5 favorites]

I found a 3 1/2 inch floppy disc full of them once

something something hard disk amirite something something
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 9:08 AM on March 10, 2011

The penis is grinning.

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT DICKNOSE
posted by SpiffyRob at 9:18 AM on March 10, 2011 [1 favorite]

3 1/2 inch floppy disc

But when it's a hard disk it's 8GB I swear.
posted by shakespeherian at 9:44 AM on March 10, 2011 [3 favorites]

Huh. In Recent Activity, the art up top, all squished in the sidebar, looks vaguely Cthulhuesque.
posted by SpiffyRob at 11:34 AM on March 10, 2011

8̴͖̬̲̻̦̏ͣ̑͋͝=̗̣̱̦̃̃̏ͩ̾ͪ̃ͧ͋͜=̧͉͔̜̬͙͈͎̿ͮ͆ͨ͛ͨ́ͩ̀́̀=͑̓͋ͭ͏̮͈̦̥͎̹≠͇̖̯̏͛ͫͤ͋́=̷̼͕̹̝̘̜̊̈́̀ͣ̉͐̐͛͝D͈ͣ̅͛̄̋͊̌ͯ͠-̴̦͉̮͇̹̝̼ͨ̅̅̽ͣ̆͝-̢̥͎̝͔̘͎͇ͭ-̼̜̗̉ͫ́ͭ̊-͂̔̓ͥ͆͜҉̦̩̫̲̟͟-̶͓̯͉͍̩̠̙̑̇-̢̥͉ͭͯ̏͗̋́-̨̞̖͍̻͇̖͔̖̾ͧ̅̿͒̎͋̂ͪ́

H̢̭͖͓̯͇̯̞̾̊̓͛̀e̔̇̒̀͏̙̺̭̜̫̣ ͙͍̬ͤ̽ͫ̂ç̙̪̱ͩ́͘ơ̯̻̙̝͎͐̿̿͘͞m͆͋҉̛̫̜̟͎̞͍̤̦e͎̰̫ͦͥͨͤ͒͘s͉̲̓ͨ̑̾̈́ͨ.̶̱̥͕̫͔̭̑̅̊̑̋͛̿̓̌

I have no regrets
posted by Cat Pie Hurts at 12:16 PM on March 10, 2011 [4 favorites]

Oh, my.
posted by Burhanistan at 2:33 PM on March 10, 2011

What's NSFW about a judge with horribly crooked eyes wearing one of those big white wigs? Is there a penis in that picture?!
posted by Mael Oui at 7:52 PM on March 10, 2011

That's funny, I thought the sexiest imaginable keystrokes would start with 'I put on my robe and wizard hat...'
posted by Green Winnebago at 8:09 PM on March 10, 2011

There's an incredible presentation by Jason Scott called The Atomic Level of Porn. I can't do it justice here, but I'll try:

“The man's name is John Sheets— K2GI was his HAM call signal— and he was a bell systems operator who had retired and he actually was involved in a project in the 1970s… called the RTTY art contest. He was the second judge of the RTTY art contest. RTTY stands for remote teletype… and people would create artworks using the text form of a remote terminal and then transmit it via HAM radio to other people. They were able to make artwork with it and there would be competitions.”

Jump to about 14:00 to see Jason discussing the process of turning porn images into ascii-porn, letter by letter. Incredible!
posted by yaymukund at 9:38 PM on March 11, 2011

Did I mention that it was incredible?
posted by yaymukund at 9:41 PM on March 11, 2011

Possibly the best ascii porn ever:

                       terre thaemlitz
                  comatonse recordings sanriot
                8888:::8888888888888888888888888
              8888::::::888888888888888888888888888
             88::::::::888:::888888888888888888888888
           88888888::::8:::::::::::[e-mail]
         888 8::888888:::::::::::::::::www.comatonse.com
            88::::88888888::::m::::::::::8888888888888   8
          888888888888888888:M:::::::::::www.sanriot.com
         88888888888888888888::::::::::::M88888888888888
         8888888888888888888888:::::::::M8888888888888888
          8888888888888888888888:::::::M888888888888888888
        888888888888888888888888:::::::M88888888888888888888
       8888888888888888888:::888:::::M888888888888888   8888
      8888888888888888888:::888::::M::;o*M*o;888888888    88
     88888888888888888::::888:::::M:::::::::::88888888    8
    88888888888888888::::88::::::M:;:::::::::::888888888     
   8888888888888888888:::8::::::M::aAa::::::::M8888888888       8
   88   8888888888::88::::8::::M:::::::::::::888888888888888 8888
  88  88888888888:::8:::::::::M::::::::::;::88:88888888888888888
  8  8888888888888:::::::::::M::"@@@@@@@"::::8w8888888888888888
   88888888888:888::::::::::M:::::"@a@":::::M8i888888888888888
  8888888888::::88:::::::::M88:::::::::::::M88z88888888888888888 
 8888888888:::::8:::::::::M88888:::::::::MM888!888888888888888888
 888888888:::::8:::::::::M8888888MAmmmAMVMM888*88888888   88888888
 888888 M:::::::::::::::M888888888:::::::MM88888888888888   8888888
 8888   M::::::::::::::M88888888888::::::MM888888888888888    88888
  888   M:::::::::::::M8888888888888M:::::mM888888888888888    8888
   888  M::::::::::::M8888:888888888888::::m::Mm88888 888888   8888
    88  M::::::::::::8888:88888888888888888::::::Mm8   88888   888
    88  M::::::::::8888M::88888::888888888888:::::::Mm88888    88
    8   MM::::::::8888M:::8888:::::888888888888::::::::Mm8     4
        8M:::::::8888M:::::888:::::::88:::8888888::::::::Mm    2
       88MM:::::8888M:::::::88::::::::8:::::888888:::M:::::M
      8888M:::::888MM::::::::8:::::::::::M::::8888::::M::::M
     88888M:::::88:M::::::::::8:::::::::::M:::8888::::::M::M
    88 888MM:::888:M:::::::::::::::::::::::M:8888:::::::::M:
    8 88888M:::88::M:::::::::::::::::::::::MM:88::::::::::::M
      88888M:::88::M::::::::::*88*::::::::::M:88::::::::::::::M             
     888888M:::88::M:::::::::88@@88:::::::::M::88::::::::::::::M
     888888MM::88::MM::::::::88@@88:::::::::M:::8::::::::::::::*8
     88888  M:::8::MM:::::::::*88*::::::::::M:::::::::::::::::88@@
     8888   MM::::::MM:::::::::::::::::::::MM:::::::::::::::::88@@
      888    M:::::::MM:::::::::::::::::::MM::M::::::::::::::::*8
      888    MM:::::::MMM::::::::::::::::MM:::MM:::::::::::::::M
       88     M::::::::MMMM:::::::::::MMMM:::::MM::::::::::::MM
        88    MM:::::::::MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM::::::::MMM::::::::MMM
         88    MM::::::::::::MMMMMMM::::::::::::::MMMMMMMMMM
          88   8MM::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::MMMMMM
           8   88MM::::::::::::::::::::::M:::M::::::::MM
               888MM::::::::::::::::::MM::::::MM::::::MM
              88888MM:::::::::::::::MMM:::::::mM:::::MM
              888888MM:::::::::::::MMM:::::::::MMM:::M
             88888888MM:::::::::::MMM:::::::::::MM:::M
            88 8888888M:::::::::MMM::::::::::::::M:::M
            8  888888 M:::::::MM:::::::::::::::::M:::M:
               888888 M::::::M:::::::::::::::::::M:::MM
              888888  M:::::M::::::::::::::::::::::::M:M
              888888  M:::::M:::::::::@::::::::::::::M::M
              88888   M::::::::::::::@@:::::::::::::::M::M
             88888   M::::::::::::::@@@::::::::::::::::M::M
            88888   M:::::::::::::::@@::::::::::::::::::M::M
           88888   M:::::m::::::::::@::::::::::Mm:::::::M:::M
           8888   M:::::M:::::::::::::::::::::::MM:::::::M:::M
          8888   M:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::MMM::::::::M:::M
         888    M:::::MMMMm:::::::::::::::::::MMM:::::::::M::::M
       8888    MM::::M:M:::M::::::::::::::::MMMM:::::::::m::m:::M
      888      M:::::M::::::M:::::::::::::MMM::::::::::::M::mm:::M
   8888       MM:::::Mm::::mM::::::::::::MM:::::::::::::mM::MM:::M:
              M:::::::Mmm:::M:::::::::::M:::::::::::::::mM::MM:::Mm
             MM:::::::M::::::M:::::::::::::::::::::::::::M::MM:::MM
             M::::::::M:::::::M88:::::::::::::::::::::::::M::M:::MM         
            MM:::::::::M:::::::Mm88::M:::::::::::::::::::::M:M:::MM
            M:::::::::::M8:m:::8888mM:::::::::::::::::::::::MM::MMM
            M::::::::::::8888888888M::::::::::::::::::::::::MM::MM
            M:::::::::::::88888888M:::::::::::::::::::::::::M::MM
            M:::::::::::::8888888M:::::::::::::::::::::::::M::MM
            M::::::::::::88888888M:::::::::::::::::::::::::M:MM
            M::::::::::::8888888M::::::::::::::::::::::::::MMM
            M:::::::::::::888888M::::::::::::::::::::::::::MMM
            MM:::::::::::::8888M::::::::::::::::::::::::::MMM
             M:::::::::::::::::M::::::::::::::::::::::::::MMM
             MM:::::::::::::::M::::::::::::::::::::::::::MMM
              M:::::::::::::::M:::::::::::::::::::::::::MMM
              MM:::::::::::::M:::::::::::::::::::::::::MMM
               M:::::::::::::M::::::::::::::::::::::::MMM
               MM:::::::::::M::::::::::::::::::::::::MMM
                M:::::::::::M:::::::::::::::::::::::MMM  
                MM:::::::::M:::::::::::::::::::::::MMM
                 M:::::::::M::::::::::::::::::::::MMM
                 MM:::::::M::::::::::::::::::::::MMM
                  MM::::::M:::::::::::::::::::::MMM
                  MM:::::M:::::::::::::::::::::MMM
                   MM::::M::::::::::::::::::::MMM
                   MM:::M::::::::::::::::::::MMM
                    MM::M:::::::::::::::::::MMM
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                     MMM::::::::::::::::::MMM
                     MM::::::::::::::::::MMM
                      M:::::::::::::::::MMM
                     MM::::::::::::::::MMM
                     MM:::::::::::::::MMM
                     MM::::M:::::::::MMM:
                     mMM::::MM:::::::MMMM
                      MMM:::::::::::MMM:M
                      mMM:::M:::::::M:M:M
                       MM::MMMM:::::::M:M
                       MM::MMM::::::::M:M
                       mMM::MM::::::::M:M
                        MM::MM:::::::::M:M
                        MM::MM::::::::::M:m
                        MM:::M:::::::::::MM
                        MMM:::::::::::::::M:
                        MMM:::::::::::::::M:
                        MMM::::::::::::::::M
                        MMM::::::::::::::::M
                        MMM::::::::::::::::Mm
                         MM::::::::::::::::MM
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                         MMM:::::::::::::::MM
                          MM::::::::::::::MMM
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                              MM::::::MM
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                               MM:::::MM
                               MM:::::MM:
                               MM:::::M:M
                               MM:::::M:M
                               :M::::::M:
                              M:M:::::::M
                             M:::M::::::M
                            M::::M::::::M
                           M:::::M:::::::M
                          M::::::MM:::::::M
                          M:::::::M::::::::M
                          M;:;::::M:::::::::M
                          M:m:;:::M::::::::::M
                          MM:m:m::M::::::::;:M
                           MM:m::MM:::::::;:;M
                            MM::MMM::::::;:m:M
                             MMMM MM::::m:m:MM
                                   MM::::m:MM
                                    MM::::MM
                                     MM::MM
                                      MMMM

posted by azarbayejani at 2:05 PM on March 12, 2011 [3 favorites]