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March 13, 2011 1:20 AM   Subscribe

Description of Incident: POLICE SAVE DOLPHIN
posted by rodgerd (38 comments total) 8 users marked this as a favorite

 
This would have been an opportune time to teach the child that if you jump out the window, you die and you don't come back. And Santa Clause is not real.
posted by XhaustedProphet at 1:41 AM on March 13, 2011 [4 favorites]


"I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to accompany me to the cetacean."
posted by Abiezer at 1:41 AM on March 13, 2011 [76 favorites]


And usually adventures are eventful.
posted by XhaustedProphet at 1:42 AM on March 13, 2011


I was both relieved and disappointed to learn that this was not about an actual live dolphin. You could say I was torn. Conflicted, even.
posted by louche mustachio at 1:47 AM on March 13, 2011


Abiezer. Abiezer.

You rock at puns.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 1:49 AM on March 13, 2011


I had a Bert Doll I loved as a kid. I would sometimes hold it out the window of the car. My mom saw me doing this and told me "If you keep doing that Bert is going to end up coming home in a different car". Needless to say I thought it would be awesome if some other family dropped Bert off, I imagined another family pulling up in front of our house, dropping Bert off and going on their merry way. After I tossed Bert out the window and saw him just fall to the road and get run over it didn't take me long to figure out Bert would not be coming home.
posted by Ad hominem at 3:00 AM on March 13, 2011 [9 favorites]


You could say I was torn.

I was soooo ready to make a Natalie Imbruglia reference, but she's from Australia. Dammit!
posted by XhaustedProphet at 3:00 AM on March 13, 2011 [1 favorite]


Police save dolphin? Has to be a fluke.
posted by Catch at 3:15 AM on March 13, 2011 [6 favorites]


Alt. title left on webroom floor: Baby boots bottlenose, brings about byway bottleneck.
posted by iamkimiam at 3:20 AM on March 13, 2011 [3 favorites]


Police save dolphin? Has to be a fluke.

Sorry, this pretty much can't be a thread filled with puns. Abiezer set the bar too high.
posted by Mayor Curley at 3:20 AM on March 13, 2011 [1 favorite]


But isn't that the porpoise?
posted by iamkimiam at 3:22 AM on March 13, 2011 [5 favorites]


Sorry, this pretty much can't be a thread filled with puns.

What is the porpoise of having a thread about dolphins if we can't fill it with puns?
posted by channey at 3:23 AM on March 13, 2011 [3 favorites]


But isn't that the porpoise?

oops.. Maybe I should shut my blowhole!
posted by channey at 3:24 AM on March 13, 2011 [1 favorite]


Sorry, this pretty much can't be a thread filled with puns. Abiezer set the bar too high.

I will consider myself schooled.
posted by Catch at 3:41 AM on March 13, 2011 [1 favorite]


epunnysterical!
posted by iamkimiam at 3:45 AM on March 13, 2011


We shouldn't be so flippant.
posted by a womble is an active kind of sloth at 3:46 AM on March 13, 2011 [2 favorites]


Inspector Rutene? They pick up toys all the time in NZ, I guess.
posted by graventy at 3:51 AM on March 13, 2011 [1 favorite]


"You must think like the dolphin!"
posted by XhaustedProphet at 3:52 AM on March 13, 2011


We shouldn't be so flippant.

We can't always be sounding the deeps.
posted by Catch at 3:53 AM on March 13, 2011


Won't somebody think of the cephalorhynchus?
posted by iamkimiam at 4:52 AM on March 13, 2011


If somebody could make the pod-cast joke, I'd be so grateful. I just can't get there. Yet, I can't seem to leave this thread either. Help!
posted by iamkimiam at 4:54 AM on March 13, 2011 [2 favorites]


iamkimiam: I might do it. On salmon chanted evening.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 4:58 AM on March 13, 2011 [1 favorite]


Someone put up fliers around here with a picture of a worn out 4 inch tall plush elf, the reward started at $500, and went up to $1000 in the course of a week. Kid must've had some lungs on 'im.
posted by StickyCarpet at 6:11 AM on March 13, 2011 [2 favorites]


Let us now praise famous men
And sing of heroes, hewn from the wen
Of fate, of time, of circumstance
Who take the lance of action when
The dragons of dismay they ken

Twas on the Southern Motorway
Of the Long Cloud, of a long day
A dolphin soft, boon soul mate toy
A child, adrift in childish play
A fateful flight - Dolphin's away!

What followed then no man should gain
The epic quest through snow and rain
Entangled souls by petrol rent
Nor can faint commerce heal the pain
Nor can the greeting bairn be slain

Cometh the time, cometh the man
Sir Hodgetts! Called by Neptune's clan
(Or possibly his radio)
Arrived, and swiftly made his plan
Mounted straightway his noble van

Twixt Orams and the great Hill Road,
Those names of legend, Hodgetts rolled
With ween still wailing like Japan
He hunted like Ishmael of old
But not for sushi, nor for gold

At last, through lorry, truck and bus
He spied the victim cetaceous
Beached on a reservation
With traffic cones and lights a-fuss
He brought the Lost One back to us

So raise the goblet! Man the feast!
For Bold Sir Hodgett at the crease
He felled foul Fate with one swift stroke
That bid a maiden rest at peace
(And gave his boss a press release)
posted by Devonian at 6:24 AM on March 13, 2011 [11 favorites]


(I'll find my Dolphin)
posted by atrazine at 7:08 AM on March 13, 2011 [2 favorites]


Nice popo they have in New Zealand. Here in Chicago, they'd probably come to your house and beat you for even asking.
posted by Jess the Mess at 7:35 AM on March 13, 2011 [4 favorites]


I'll never forget the morning I walked past a little stuffed tiger on a bench, looking lost, and felt bad for some child. The next time I walked past that bench, later on in the afternoon, there was no tiger, but there was a flyer ten feet away describing the tiger and offering a reward. I felt that I should have been able to help somehow.
posted by Countess Elena at 8:10 AM on March 13, 2011


Poor Calvin. You were his only hope.
posted by iamkimiam at 8:37 AM on March 13, 2011 [1 favorite]


Where the hell is old zealand?
posted by The Whelk at 8:44 AM on March 13, 2011 [1 favorite]


From Wikipedia: The islands of New Zealand were discovered by Dutch navigator Abel Tasman in 1642, although he did not land on New Zealand. Tasman named it Staten Landt, believing it to be part of the land of that name off the coast of Argentina. When that was shown not to be so Dutch authorities named it Nova Zeelandia in Latin, Nieuw Zeeland in Dutch. The two major seafaring provinces of the Netherlands in its Golden Age were Holland and Zeeland, and originally the Dutch explorers named the largest landmass of Oceania and the two islands to the southeast respectively Nieuw Holland and Nieuw Zeeland. The former was eventually replaced by the name Australia, but the name New Zealand remained in place for the latter. Captain James Cook of Britain subsequently called the archipelago New Zealand and soon after, British settlers arrived in New Zealand and English became the main language
posted by Devonian at 9:16 AM on March 13, 2011 [1 favorite]


I feel for the mother. My autistic son is often glued to a particular stuffed toy, which has been repeatedly repaired. No, couldn't be a Mickey Mouse, where an identical copy is readily available. No, it's a one-off corporate tchtochke that, at this point, is irreplaceable. Either it dies, or he outgrows it.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 9:19 AM on March 13, 2011 [3 favorites]


When my brother was about four years old he had an old ratty blanket that had seen better days. He lugged that thing around just like Linus, but without the thumb-sucking, thank goodness. One summer on our family vacation the blanket accidentally got left behind at the motel. Brother carried on dreadfully for a while, but mom finally convinced him it was time to let go, he couldn't go to kindergarten lugging that thing behind him. When we arrived home from our trip, a neighbor brought us a UPS box that had arrived while we were gone. Inside was the blanket along with a note from the motel owner: "I just knew someone would be missing this."
posted by Oriole Adams at 9:31 AM on March 13, 2011 [10 favorites]


Years of training. That is all.
posted by cabingirl at 11:22 AM on March 13, 2011 [1 favorite]


I have no puns to offer. But the news of late has seemed more than normally depressing and I, for one, applaud Officer Hodgetts of the Motorways Support Police for demonstrating there's at least a tiny glimmer of hope for the misbegotten tribe of no-good-niks known as "Humanity." you, sir, are a true gentleman.
posted by OneMonkeysUncle at 1:40 PM on March 13, 2011 [1 favorite]


I'll never forget the morning I walked past a little stuffed tiger on a bench, looking lost, and felt bad for some child. The next time I walked past that bench, later on in the afternoon, there was no tiger, but there was a flyer ten feet away describing the tiger and offering a reward. I felt that I should have been able to help somehow.

This is the most depressing thing I have ever read.
posted by doublehappy at 2:29 PM on March 13, 2011 [2 favorites]


My dom had a Britidh Museum replica of a stegosaurus. We called it Brownie Fudge and it had to Go everywhere with us. One day he buried it in sand at a playground. Repeatedly we went back and dug for it. I promised a replacement as soon as I could find one. Every birthday there were other steggies, not from the British Museum. Well flaš forward some 23 years. I found an exact clone of Brownie Fudge in the Salvation Army štite for 35 cents! So I bought it and gave it to my now very grown son.
posted by Katjusa Roquette at 9:11 PM on March 13, 2011 [1 favorite]


My friends kid was taunting my (young) dog last summer with a stuffed toy of similar value. The dog finally snatched the toy out of her hand and took off. Picture an adorable (but very large) pup running in circles tossing a toy in the air with an equally adorable 6 year old chasing her in an absolutely incoherent rage. Then picture three adults trying very very hard to take this situation as seriously as warranted. And not to laugh until tears streamed down our faces and our stomachs hurt and one of us had to sit down.

The toy was returned unharmed, but I think the kid might grow up to be a cat person.
posted by fshgrl at 11:03 PM on March 13, 2011 [1 favorite]


Indeed, sometimes the police are our friends. I had the misfortune once to be driving a food-poisoning-struck friend quite a long way to get her home. We stopped a few times at the shoulder for, er, emergency pit stops. As we pulled into a rest stop to get her a chance to rinse her face and maybe hydrate, she realized that, in her convulsions, she'd managed to throw her glasses and had been so miserable she hadn't even noticed. The state police did actually try to locate them for us, being familiar enough with that stretch of road that they could guess where we would have stopped. Sadly, glasses are harder to find than a dolphin, but I appreciated that they even tried at all.
posted by Karmakaze at 1:55 PM on March 14, 2011


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