So many jokes, so little space...

March 28, 2011 9:02 AM

There's a map for that. If you're looking for a graphic (in a SFW way of speaking) of Penis size around the world...Read it and weep... or what's in the water in Bolivia.
posted by tomswift (110 comments total)

Well, that explains the Cold War.
posted by fatbird at 9:05 AM on March 28, 2011 [14 favorites]

I'm still trying to figure out why some countries are "no data"... I'm trying not to think the worst.
posted by tomswift at 9:06 AM on March 28, 2011 [1 favorite]

Sad that it wasn't a topographic map.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 9:08 AM on March 28, 2011 [22 favorites]

I hate to be serious when I should be making jokes about sample size, but what's the context for this? I'm hesitant to believe it came from an actual research project...
posted by Stagger Lee at 9:10 AM on March 28, 2011

Wait, Canada's better off than the US? We're never gonna live this down.
posted by brundlefly at 9:10 AM on March 28, 2011 [1 favorite]

Just another example of the feminist agenda to divide and conquer.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 9:11 AM on March 28, 2011 [1 favorite]

Is this medically-recorded or self-reported size? Because, you know, those charts would mean two very different things.
posted by aught at 9:11 AM on March 28, 2011 [2 favorites]

Longitude but not latitude, thus useless for planning to prevent the universally-feared girthquake of hushed fable.
posted by Abiezer at 9:11 AM on March 28, 2011

Wait, Canada's better off than the US? We're never gonna live this down.

That's just Shatner throwing off the curve again.
posted by Aquaman at 9:11 AM on March 28, 2011 [28 favorites]

Data Source varies by country.
posted by tomswift at 9:13 AM on March 28, 2011 [2 favorites]

I would have thought a colour-coded bar graph would have done just fine for this purpose.
posted by bicyclefish at 9:13 AM on March 28, 2011 [2 favorites]

I want to see the "accuracy in self-reported penis size by country" map.
posted by dirtdirt at 9:15 AM on March 28, 2011 [2 favorites]

It's not the size, but how you use it.
posted by theodolite at 9:16 AM on March 28, 2011 [2 favorites]

Tell me I'm not the only one who immediately sorted by size. Hullo, Congo Trouser Boa...
posted by romakimmy at 9:16 AM on March 28, 2011

That's surprising, because the biggest dicks I've met come from America.
posted by bboyberlin at 9:16 AM on March 28, 2011 [18 favorites]

Is this controlled by age? I mean, I assume they are all from "adults" but the definition of that varies by country (not to mention different life spans could throw things off).
posted by DU at 9:16 AM on March 28, 2011

What about Koreans born in Ghana?
posted by pianomover at 9:17 AM on March 28, 2011 [1 favorite]

they're bigger here, they're smaller there
they're in all kinds of underwear
they're long or short, or thick or thin
they're sometimes out, they're sometimes in
and now they're mapped, so the ladies know
which country they might want to go
posted by flapjax at midnite at 9:17 AM on March 28, 2011 [27 favorites]

Evidently, everyone in Svalbard and Antarctica is a eunuch.
posted by schmod at 9:18 AM on March 28, 2011

That's surprising, because the biggest dicks I've met come from America.

Oh, SNAP!
posted by flapjax at midnite at 9:18 AM on March 28, 2011

THAT'S CENTIMETERS, NOT INCHES oh thank god
posted by koeselitz at 9:18 AM on March 28, 2011 [19 favorites]

(And, what the heck's going on in Ethiopia?)
posted by schmod at 9:19 AM on March 28, 2011

The world's not as big as you think.
posted by pianomover at 9:19 AM on March 28, 2011 [2 favorites]

That map totally explains the cold war.
posted by Wolfdog at 9:19 AM on March 28, 2011

This doesn't make a lot of sense. While Chinese- and Indian-Americans are a growing portion of the US population, the majority of Americans are descended from people from countries with relatively large penis sizes (that is, relative to the US) - namely, European, African, and South American countries. All joking aside, this seems suspect.
posted by Tomorrowful at 9:19 AM on March 28, 2011

I smell a new immigration hurdle.
posted by dry white toast at 9:19 AM on March 28, 2011 [3 favorites]

In case that wasn't noted in the first comment of the thread.
posted by Wolfdog at 9:19 AM on March 28, 2011 [3 favorites]

Svalbard is cold and has bears. You don't want anything exposed for long enough to add a data set to a joke map.
posted by running order squabble fest at 9:20 AM on March 28, 2011 [3 favorites]

"Hey baby, I'm two standard deviations above mean. In South Korea."

Speaking of which, this data is suspect. Were it properly reported, I'd assume Kim Jong Il alone would put North Korea way out in first.
posted by yerfatma at 9:21 AM on March 28, 2011 [1 favorite]

No, he just has giant balls.
posted by maryr at 9:25 AM on March 28, 2011

And yet, he's so lonely.
posted by zippy at 9:28 AM on March 28, 2011

WHAT THE — —

oh, centimeters. Excellent... let's just do the conversion here, and...

Oh. Still doesn't help.
posted by Ratio at 9:29 AM on March 28, 2011 [3 favorites]

Female counterpart to this map aka World Map of Average Breast Cup Size.
posted by shakespeherian at 9:29 AM on March 28, 2011 [5 favorites]

You know, some people have been known to lie about their penis size.
posted by Melismata at 9:31 AM on March 28, 2011

Here's a little number I tossed off recently in the Caribbean.
posted by Mcable at 9:35 AM on March 28, 2011 [2 favorites]

You know, some people have been known to lie about their penis size.

This.

(And, if my own observations are any indication, the Irish must be lying out of modesty.)
posted by Sys Rq at 9:36 AM on March 28, 2011 [1 favorite]

I smell a new immigration hurdle.

Flatterer
OR
But I just washed!
posted by dirtdirt at 9:37 AM on March 28, 2011

Wait, we can post songs? (nsfw if you can't sing about your penis at your desk)
posted by tomswift at 9:42 AM on March 28, 2011

A sponsorship deal and thematic redesign from HealthMad.com could be just the shot in the arm Disney's "It's a Small World" ride needs.
posted by lefty lucky cat at 9:45 AM on March 28, 2011 [1 favorite]

I was in the pool!
posted by ao4047 at 9:45 AM on March 28, 2011 [1 favorite]

While Chinese- and Indian-Americans are a growing portion of the US population, the majority of Americans are descended from people from countries with relatively large penis sizes (that is, relative to the US) - namely, European, African, and South American countries.

While I think the entire project is ridiculous and can't imagine what kind of research methodology could get reliable results, I can think of some explanations for that. There could be environmental, rather than hereditary, factors that affect penis size. And I guess you could argue that men with small penises were motivated to overcompensate by seeking their fortune in America. Or something like that.
posted by craichead at 9:47 AM on March 28, 2011 [1 favorite]

While I think the entire project is ridiculous and can't imagine what kind of research methodology could get reliable results, I can think of some explanations for that. There could be environmental, rather than hereditary, factors that affect penis size. And I guess you could argue that men with small penises were motivated to overcompensate by seeking their fortune in America. Or something like that.

It's because Americans are fat. Duh.
posted by Sys Rq at 9:49 AM on March 28, 2011

Estrogen and its analogues, I would reckon, from pthalates to milk production hormones.
posted by seanmpuckett at 9:50 AM on March 28, 2011

"men with small penises were motivated to overcompensate by seeking their fortune in America." , this explains the Bush family....
posted by tomswift at 9:50 AM on March 28, 2011

America is the monster truck of immigration.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 9:51 AM on March 28, 2011

"That's surprising, because the biggest dicks I've met come from America."

It's okay, when someone makes the asshole map, we're gonna be right back on top!
posted by kingv at 9:51 AM on March 28, 2011 [1 favorite]

There is no way the English are better hung than the Irish.
posted by jonmc at 9:51 AM on March 28, 2011 [1 favorite]

The UN just needs to declare World Dick Measuring Day so we can have more accurate numbers.
posted by Burhanistan at 9:53 AM on March 28, 2011

Okay, I'm dumb --

I clicked on the link and I didn't see anything but a plain ol' map with a list at the bottom. Is that what I'm supposed to be seeing?

I thought I'd be seeing something with all the countries re-sized to reflect various dick size or something.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:54 AM on March 28, 2011

This map is useless without girth.
posted by chowflap at 9:54 AM on March 28, 2011 [7 favorites]

tomorrowful, the percentage of Chinese and east Indian Canadians is MUCH higher, like 1000% higher in the case of Indians, than are those percentages among the US population. So yes, this in suspect. The only thing that might account for Canadians having bigger cocks than Americans is our much larger (tee hee!) French population. And the French guys I've been with have indeed had some monster cocks. Good times.
posted by ethnomethodologist at 9:54 AM on March 28, 2011 [1 favorite]

Ratio: “let's just do the conversion here, and...”

Yeah, no. I intend to reap some benefits from my stereotypical American ignorance, and this is one of them. I will not do the conversions, thank you very much. I'll just keep on pretending everything is hunky-dory.
posted by koeselitz at 9:54 AM on March 28, 2011

So far today we've had a poopy thread and a pecker thread. Somebody post about boobies or tushies for the trifecta!
posted by jonmc at 9:56 AM on March 28, 2011

EmpressCallipygos: “I clicked on the link and I didn't see anything but a plain ol' map with a list at the bottom. Is that what I'm supposed to be seeing? I thought I'd be seeing something with all the countries re-sized to reflect various dick size or something.”

Do you have Javascript turned off or something? You're seeing the base map, apparently; overlaid on top of it are colors which reflect size ranges, which are listed in a little box that pops up on top of the map. Sounds like it didn't load right.
posted by koeselitz at 9:56 AM on March 28, 2011

Estrogen and its analogues, I would reckon, from pthalates to milk production hormones.


You could explain the entire map in terms of soy intake.
posted by mr_roboto at 9:58 AM on March 28, 2011

What with this and the poop thread down the page, my inner 12 year old is giggling in glee. Anyone up for a fart thread to hit the trifecta?
posted by Mcable at 9:58 AM on March 28, 2011

Do you have Javascript turned off or something? You're seeing the base map, apparently; overlaid on top of it are colors which reflect size ranges, which are listed in a little box that pops up on top of the map.

Ah, okay. I get the little box, but no color overlay. I'm at work (shhh) and they have Java off here.

Thanks. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't nuts.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:58 AM on March 28, 2011

United Nations World Health Investigative Penile Increment Test: Objective Undisputed Testimony. UNWHIPITOUT for short.
posted by Burhanistan at 9:59 AM on March 28, 2011 [8 favorites]

Well, that explains the Cold War.

Old joke/urban legend: When some of the 70s detente between the US and the USSR resulted in trade agreements, one of the first exports from the US to Russia was from the condom industry. The Russians insisted that the condoms had to fit a penis of 11" in length, and repeated it when the Americans checked just to make sure that there wasn't a mistake in translation.

So, the Americans sent the condoms of the specified dimension... in boxes labeled "среднего размера".
posted by Halloween Jack at 10:00 AM on March 28, 2011 [18 favorites]

for the monolingual who might want in on the punchline: "medium size"
posted by Meatbomb at 10:05 AM on March 28, 2011 [1 favorite]

The very small breasts in Belarus and Latvia make no sense to me.
posted by Meatbomb at 10:08 AM on March 28, 2011

Belarus is best known for its Olympic gymnasts, so...
posted by Sys Rq at 10:10 AM on March 28, 2011

Hello, Hungary, what are you up to this weekend?
posted by limnrix at 10:13 AM on March 28, 2011

Average Brit penis size is bigger than average Yank penis size, eh? Damn, and I thought those nice American ladies were impressed by my debonair manner and classy accent.

I refuse to acknowledge France, though. That simply can't be right.
posted by Decani at 10:17 AM on March 28, 2011

"For your information, I wake up every morning with an angry blue vein diamond cutter. I was gonna enlighten the President of the local 47 on this particular point, and he chose to depart. Blue steel gentlemen. Three and a half inches of hard blue steel."

And for this, I now have "frank sobotka penis diamond" associated with my google history forever.
posted by stet at 10:20 AM on March 28, 2011 [2 favorites]

(And, what the heck's going on in Ethiopia?)

This.

hey, flapjax gonna link to music
posted by flapjax at midnite at 10:24 AM on March 28, 2011 [1 favorite]

And I guess you could argue that men with small penises were motivated to overcompensate by seeking their fortune in America. Or something like that.
posted by craichead at 5:47 PM on March 28

I say it's all the soda and junk food. No wait, it's the excessive religiosity. Too much Jesus withers the old fella. FACT!
posted by Decani at 10:29 AM on March 28, 2011

Too much Jesus withers the old fella.

And it takes you three days to rise again.
posted by twoleftfeet at 10:35 AM on March 28, 2011 [4 favorites]

"The very small breasts in Belarus and Latvia make no sense to me."

I've just found this week's "sentence I'm going to mutter under my breath while furrowing my brow and lighting a pipe."
posted by Pater Aletheias at 10:41 AM on March 28, 2011 [21 favorites]

dry white toast: "I smell a new immigration hurdle."

Smelling isn't traditionally what one does with a penis.
posted by QIbHom at 10:44 AM on March 28, 2011

> It's okay, when someone makes the asshole map, we're gonna be right back on top!

I'm sure there's a correlation between the size of our assholes and our ownership of the highest rates of incarceration per capita.
posted by davelog at 10:50 AM on March 28, 2011

I'd imagine the breast map corresponds somewhat to incidence of obesity, especially given Africa's paucity, but I'm too lazy to look up an obesity map.
posted by maryr at 10:51 AM on March 28, 2011 [1 favorite]

...Oh. Maybe that's why I'm fat.
posted by maryr at 10:52 AM on March 28, 2011 [3 favorites]

> This.

hey, flapjax gonna link to music

I don't mean to be a dick, but it sorta figures that an American living in Japan would wanna have us focus our attention on his strengths, rather than his weakness.
posted by gman at 10:58 AM on March 28, 2011

Anything more than a mouthful is a waste.

Hey-yo!
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 10:59 AM on March 28, 2011

(And, if my own observations are any indication, the Irish must be lying out of modesty.)

I've been wondering about that. I recently saw an Irish comedy tour, and all the comedians were joking about their microwenises and that being some sort of national Irish characteristic, and I was like, uh, what, I'm Irish, and I'm hung like King Kong ...

Well, I won't go on.
posted by Astro Zombie at 11:00 AM on March 28, 2011 [1 favorite]

Ghana representin'!!!
posted by ramix at 11:01 AM on March 28, 2011

King Kong wasn't hung. He fell off a building. Don't you remember?
posted by shakespeherian at 11:04 AM on March 28, 2011 [3 favorites]

lol "Hung"ary
I like to think the gray areas are "here be monsters"
posted by limnrix at 11:06 AM on March 28, 2011 [4 favorites]

SO THIS IS THE THREAD WHERE I COME TO TALK ABOUT MY DICK RITE?!
posted by thsmchnekllsfascists at 11:06 AM on March 28, 2011 [2 favorites]

King Kong wasn't hung. He fell off a building. Don't you remember?

Did I saw hung? I meant swung.
posted by Astro Zombie at 11:09 AM on March 28, 2011

I'm Irish, and look, I'm not saying I'm particularly huge or anything. But my penis has been spotted in a loch in Scotland.

Thanks. I'll be here all week.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 11:12 AM on March 28, 2011

Your penith ith mything?
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 11:13 AM on March 28, 2011 [4 favorites]

I was honestly surprised that Wisconsin wasn't a deep green color, what with Gov. Scott and all....
posted by tomswift at 11:19 AM on March 28, 2011

How does Russia have an *average* cup size above D?
posted by mrgrimm at 11:21 AM on March 28, 2011 [1 favorite]

Anything more than a mouthful is a waste.

Hey-yo!
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 11:59 AM on March 28 [+] [!]

That was my wife's pickup line to me. We were 17 years old.
posted by arcticwoman at 11:24 AM on March 28, 2011

You know, some people have been known to lie about their penis size.

Absolutely, but to be honest most people I've heard boasting go a little bigger than 5.5 or 6 inches so to arrive at the numbers they're getting there must also be a fair amount of under-estimating or honesty to go along with the liars IMO.
posted by Hoopo at 11:37 AM on March 28, 2011

There is no way the English are better hung than the Irish.

English lovers have something of a dismal reputation, so it doesn't appear to be doing us much good.
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 11:45 AM on March 28, 2011

I refuse to acknowledge France, though. That simply can't be right.

Those numbers really wither when Germany shows up.
posted by anothermug at 12:15 PM on March 28, 2011

We really need a map of growers versus showers. Tumescent Topography, if you will.
posted by Burhanistan at 12:19 PM on March 28, 2011 [1 favorite]

This isn't at all useful until it gets detailed to the level of google street view.
posted by zylocomotion at 12:21 PM on March 28, 2011 [7 favorites]

I'm just pleased that I now have a somewhat better idea of what the unknown part of my ethnic background might be.
posted by sonascope at 12:52 PM on March 28, 2011

So I mistook North America's green forests for bigger-dick zones and began envisioning huge-cocked Yeti hiding from the built-up areas.
posted by Beardman at 12:53 PM on March 28, 2011

The USA just needs to do what everyone else has apparently done: measure penis length from the tip to the anus.
posted by spacely_sprocket at 12:56 PM on March 28, 2011 [1 favorite]

The USA just needs to do what everyone else has apparently done: measure ...from the tip to the anus...from sea to shining sea.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 1:03 PM on March 28, 2011 [1 favorite]

What no mention of Francis Galton and his beauty map?
posted by jadepearl at 1:15 PM on March 28, 2011 [1 favorite]

Butch Cassidy: "Kid, the next time I say, 'Let's go someplace like Bolivia,' let's go someplace like Bolivia."
posted by kirkaracha at 1:23 PM on March 28, 2011

Anagrams:
I HAVE A LARGE PENIS
and
HE IS PLAIN AVERAGE
posted by twoleftfeet at 1:34 PM on March 28, 2011 [2 favorites]

Oh man, I knew this thread would be funny reading, but --

craichead: And I guess you could argue that men with small penises were motivated to overcompensate by seeking their fortune in America. Or something like that.

Thanks for the laughs, Metafilter.
posted by stinkycheese at 3:51 PM on March 28, 2011

Rabelais, in his renaissance comic novel Gargantua and Pantagruel, presented the theory that men of the cloth where unusually well hung because their tackle swung free under their vestments (I should note that Rabelais was himself a monk). I wonder how a "going commando" map would compare. We all know that Galileo was right, but modern science needs to test out other renaissance scientific theories.
posted by Kattullus at 3:57 PM on March 28, 2011 [2 favorites]

It's a small world (after all).
posted by unliteral at 5:33 PM on March 28, 2011

SO THIS IS THE THREAD WHERE I COME TO TALK ABOUT MY DICK RITE?!
posted by thsmchnekllsfascists at 7:06 PM on March 28

Close. It's the thread where we come to talk about your dick.
posted by Decani at 6:54 PM on March 28, 2011 [1 favorite]

This thread promises to be the longest on Metafilter.

but ultimately fails to deliver
posted by zippy at 7:24 PM on March 28, 2011 [1 favorite]

How does Russia have an *average* cup size above D?

In the best of all possible worlds, it's because their bras fit.
posted by stet at 8:26 PM on March 28, 2011

As long as someone's coming, Decani.
posted by maryr at 9:23 PM on March 28, 2011 [1 favorite]

As long as someone's coming

I ain't touching that.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 9:45 PM on March 28, 2011

How does Russia have an *average* cup size above D?

Babushkas.
posted by Sys Rq at 10:26 PM on March 28, 2011 [1 favorite]

Considering I come from a below average country in this respect, I am going to take the stand that this size is inversely proportional to brain utilization.

Gotta go work on the charming aspects of my personality and blind the ladies to everything else!
posted by theobserver at 7:42 AM on March 29, 2011

There is no way the English are better hung than the Irish.

The English have often expressed the opinion that the Irish are better hung.
posted by atrazine at 11:46 AM on March 29, 2011 [6 favorites]

Let's see if I can find Pimsleur Hungarian somewhere...
posted by leigh1 at 6:33 AM on April 1, 2011