Join 3,524 readers in helping fund MetaFilter (Hide)


Did a piss, Says he was dejected, Asks to be exonerated
April 1, 2011 4:45 AM   Subscribe

How To Piss in Public [SLYT—NSFW].
posted by nfg (43 comments total) 10 users marked this as a favorite

 
just go into a side alley.
posted by PinkMoose at 5:02 AM on April 1, 2011


The Internets Celebrities also have some pretty reasonable tips on this (that don't involve surreptitiously hiding your penis in a coffee cup).
posted by Maaik at 5:04 AM on April 1, 2011 [1 favorite]


But what about the children people who don't have a penis?
posted by phunniemee at 5:07 AM on April 1, 2011


Note to self: can't close tags if you misspell "strike".
posted by phunniemee at 5:08 AM on April 1, 2011


It's better in youtube 1911 mode.
posted by knapah at 5:16 AM on April 1, 2011 [1 favorite]


I watched this in 1911 mode. Very Chaplinesque.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 5:16 AM on April 1, 2011 [1 favorite]


Now that I've moved to the EU I'm sure I will find this very helpful. Gracias.
posted by melt away at 5:18 AM on April 1, 2011


My problem with al fresco pissing has been that by the time I've found somewhere to do the deed, I've been holding it so long that what should be a quick, inconspicuous pause in the stairwell of a parking garage or the gap between the dumpster and the wall becomes a minutes-long excursion. There's nothing quite like that worried panic combined with that incredible relief. At times, it's the most satisfied I feel all day. Makes me wish I had to pee right now.
posted by Maaik at 5:26 AM on April 1, 2011


That's pretty damn funny.
posted by sswiller at 5:28 AM on April 1, 2011


That's hilarious, but I felt like it should have been called, 'A public urinators guide to Williamsburg.' The hwole time I was watching it I was thinking, 'Oh, hey that's Grand St. park, oh Kent Ave., Oh the Grand St. playground! Wow, he's almost right on Bedford (main shopping drag)... and etc.'... I miss Brooklyn.
posted by From Bklyn at 5:29 AM on April 1, 2011


Hey, have you guys seen my wallet? I seem to have lost it. I'm gonna go take a look behind that dumpster.
posted by uncleozzy at 5:31 AM on April 1, 2011


I like how this seems to be somehow Vans-related or sponsored, yet most of these techniques will leave you with your own micturate on your feet.
posted by Maaik at 5:32 AM on April 1, 2011


Kids today can't take a piss without their cellphones.
posted by twoleftfeet at 5:47 AM on April 1, 2011 [1 favorite]


Pffft, amateur. I'm waiting for my Urilift, thanks!

On second thought, this is taking far too long. Where's my cup?
posted by KirkpatrickMac at 5:49 AM on April 1, 2011


Also Sprach Urilift
posted by Maaik at 5:59 AM on April 1, 2011 [3 favorites]


Is this what you moved to Williamsburg for, mustachioed man?
posted by meadowlark lime at 6:06 AM on April 1, 2011


Stopped viewing when our "expert" stuck his dick in garbage.
posted by rahnefan at 6:12 AM on April 1, 2011 [2 favorites]


I'd consider moving to Williamsburg if my sole intention was pissing all over the place.
posted by Maaik at 6:13 AM on April 1, 2011 [1 favorite]


Stopped viewing when our "expert" stuck his dick in garbage.

It was above the rim!
posted by me & my monkey at 6:21 AM on April 1, 2011 [1 favorite]


True story:

Years ago, early eighties I was playing in a band touring a country Queensland town, back then Queensland was ruled by Sir Joh, and was a very conservative place with draconian drug laws - The Drugs Misuse Act I belive it was called. Essentially mandatory jail time for small amounts of weed.

We had finished playing and two of us went into the park next to the town hall, we sat at a picnic table and I skinned up a large joint. We then stood, lit up and started wandering through the late night park. I had the joint, and while puffing away, casually pulled up to a large tree to relieve my self. Just as the flow commenced, a bulky figure emerged from the gloom, my friend bolted, and I was left bathed in the horrible light of a police torch. Joint in mouth, penis in hand. The cop, large bull-necked, and not I would say much if a fan of the post punk /new wave scene - kept his torch on me and said accusingly "And what the fuck do you think you're doing?"

My mouth went dry, western Queensland town, stove pipe pants, died red spiky hair. I was busted and fucked. The only thing I could think of was that he would go easy on me if I fessed up like a man. The words "I was um, just um smoking this joint" were on the precipice of my tongue when he said in his crime-solving voice "You were having a piss weren't you?"

"YES, YES YES I was having a piss, I am SO sorry"

"Get the fuck out of my park and if I see you again you'll be spending the weekend in the cells for the magistrate on Monday"

"Thank you, yes I understand. Thank you thank you thank you."

So I quietly took my joint and my bag of weed and backed away bowing and thanking.
posted by the noob at 6:25 AM on April 1, 2011 [6 favorites]


Stopped viewing when our "expert" stuck his dick in garbage.

Yeah! I don't want to touch something that might be dirty! I just want to piss unrestricted all over the outside world in public.
posted by penduluum at 6:28 AM on April 1, 2011 [2 favorites]


Gross.
posted by Shohn at 6:54 AM on April 1, 2011


One of the early indicators that NYC was a distant and magical land came for me around 1977 or thereabouts, when my dad had conspired to bring me along on one of his many business trips to the big city. We drove, heading up with a station wagon packed with neatly boxed rolls of microfilm, a delivery he was making as part of the trip, and ended up driving around the city a fair amount, which was a less impossible task than public opinion might lead one to believe. For a kid from a little town, the place was astonishing—astonishingly large, astonishingly old, astonishingly filthy. I loved it, right down to the omnipresent stink of fetid urine in every corner.

Caught up in traffic in one of those endless moments of box-blocking madness, my father suddenly kicked the parking brake, climbed out of the car, and pissed right there, between our car and the next one over. I was completely, utterly mortified in a way that, at that young age, was the most humiliated I'd ever felt. He didn't pee against anything or in a concealed area, and just stood, legs apart, like a cowboy, then shook it off, holstered, and climbed back in the car.

I was one aghast little nine year-old prude, and my look said it all.

"What?" he asked.

"I—" I started, but couldn't come up with a reasonably well-structured thing to say. "Why did you do that?"

He shrugged. "Needed to piss, son. Everyone needs to piss sometime."

"But, but, you don't urinate right out in the open!"

I did actually say "urinate" the battle between my mother and father as to the disposition of my upright deportment was not yet lost at that point.

"Where should I go, then?"

"You wait until there's facilities!"

"Do you see any facilities around here?"

"No, but—"

"See, Joe-B, the thing here is that there are eight million people living in New York City. There's only about three or four million people in the whole state of Maryland. So, I'm standing out there on the street, taking a leak—"

"—urinating," I interrupted.

"Whatever. So, I'm out there relieving my bladder, and maybe three or four people can see or take note of what I'm doing. It's New York, so most of those people will be busy, in a hurry, or in a bad mood. Also, since it's New York, they will have seen things a million times worse. Do you remember when you used the bathroom in the subway?"

I shuddered and nodded. I remembered. I can never forget.

"Well, that means it's statistically non-existent. No one saw it, no one recorded it in their brain, and no one will care, even ten seconds from now. It didn't happen."

"That's not true, is it?"

"Yep. You are just something in the air here, like a random pigeon flying by, and as long as you don't take a dump on someone's sport jacket, you just disappear. That's one of the great things about New York, don't you think?"

"I dunno," I said. It was a big concept for a nine year-old, the notion of statistical insignificance. "What if the Mayor was watching? Then he'd remember, and he's pretty important."

"You don't piss when Mayor Beame is standing there. That's just common sense. You also don't piss if there's a cop there, or if there's a little girl or a beautiful lady nearby."

"Why the beautiful lady?"

"Beautiful ladies don't like to see men taking a leak."

"Oh."

It took a while to sink in, the concept that everyone might not be watching everything you do and the freedom that that entailed. When I was old enough, I spent a lot of time on the bus or the train, slipping up to the city for a weekend of that joyous crowded alienation, and though I loved the city, I never wanted to live there, because then, people might get to know me, and then I'd have to buy something everytime I wanted to pee.

Mind you, I don't have the same mojo or smarts my dad had.

I once had the thought, as I was walking across a huge, deserted park in Baltimore in the summer twilight hours, on my way to my car after going to see the local synchronized swimming avant garde theater troupe doing The Masque of the Red Death on roller skates, that I'd take a subtle walking pee. The thought, at least at the time, was that I was far enough from everyone to present a mere blur to the naked eye, and that I'd walk slowly, taking care not to catch up to my pee stream. Unfortunately, it was a broody stormy sky out that night, a sudden clap of thunder made me break into a lightning-fleeing canter, and I arrived at my car covered from head to toe in pee.

It takes years and practice to get these things right.
posted by sonascope at 6:59 AM on April 1, 2011 [36 favorites]


Side benefit: lower cellphone bills.

People really think twice about asking to make a call with your phone.
posted by digsrus at 7:11 AM on April 1, 2011 [1 favorite]


"What if the Mayor was watching? Then he'd remember, and he's pretty important."


Ray: Daaang! Nice little ride Philippe! Did you come on down here to sit session with the dirtiest dudes in town?
Philippe: Oh boy! I can sit with you guys?
Roast Beef: Mama jokes are the order of the day so I hope you can keep up
Ray: Like, "yo mama's so fat, she broke her leg and gravy came out!"
Philippe: Yo mama's so fat, she broke her leg and hot bloody fat sprayed everywhere! Some even got on the mayor!
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 7:14 AM on April 1, 2011


Public urination is my favorite crime.
posted by splatta at 7:22 AM on April 1, 2011


phunniemee: Note to self: can't close tags if you misspell "strike".

You can just use s in the open and close tags.
posted by paisley henosis at 7:31 AM on April 1, 2011 [2 favorites]


That's hilarious, but I felt like it should have been called, 'A public urinators guide to Williamsburg.' The hwole time I was watching it I was thinking, 'Oh, hey that's Grand St. park, oh Kent Ave., Oh the Grand St. playground! Wow, he's almost right on Bedford (main shopping drag)... and etc.'... I miss Brooklyn.

Heh, yeah I pretty instantly spotted that it was Williamsburg. Worse - or possibly better - I recognise that guy. I'm pretty sure I've either seen him behind or in front of a bar here on more than one occasion. I even have a drink-addled memory of a drink-addled conversation with him. Weird.
posted by Decani at 7:43 AM on April 1, 2011


Public urination is my favorite crime.

I have a permanent scar from public urination, no joke. One of those funny-in-retrospect moments, I guess.
posted by backseatpilot at 7:48 AM on April 1, 2011


When I was in the Philippines, there were signs all over the place--garage doors, buildings, just about everywhere outdoors in the cities--stating, "Bawal Umihi Dito!" I knew that "Bawal" meant "Don't" or "Forbidden to" and "Dito" meant "here" but I had no idea what umihi was. I was in fear that I was inadvertently doing something forbidden so I finally asked our neighbor what it meant. She explained that umihi was "urinate."

It says a lot about a country when there are signs just about everywhere advising you not to piss at that particular location.
posted by leftcoastbob at 8:07 AM on April 1, 2011 [1 favorite]


I just always wear wet pants.
posted by orme at 8:55 AM on April 1, 2011 [1 favorite]


I went to college with a dude who worked out a technique for continuous pissing as he walked; he claimed that he could walk down the sidewalk while pissing and cars, even cops, wouldn't even notice because hey, he's moving, who'd even think he was pissing? he was pretty stoked about it, kept referring to his technique as "the perfect crime."
posted by COBRA! at 8:59 AM on April 1, 2011


I am not sure that any lifehacking tip is worth duct-taping Depends to your body every night.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 9:25 AM on April 1, 2011


In Kingston (where I went to university) after a long night of drinking, guys used to turn around and walk backwards while pissing down the centre of the sidewalk. If one person did this at a time with everyone else up front, it was pretty innocuous and hard to spot. It left a telltale streak of urine down the sidewalk that served the same purpose as a solid yellow line on a road.
posted by Pseudoephedrine at 9:27 AM on April 1, 2011


So I am hired at a broker dealer and I have to fill out the U-4 form. One of the questions is along the lines of have you ever been arrested. I spend about 15 minutes trying to figure out how to answer that simple yes/no question. See when I was 17, I had been drinking quite a few of those Miller beer ponies (which is all I can think of whenever there is a pony request on the gray) and needed to empty before I could ride the pony again. I duck outside and into an alley when all of a sudden this lady copy shines her light on my unit and says, "I can see its cold outside. How do you hold onto that thing while you are breaking the law urinating in public?" Quite embarrassed, I turned to respond and, well, splashed her shoes. Any hope I had went the way of the horse and buggy right then and there. I was arrested and brought to town hall where I had to wait in a small cell for 5 hours until the judge arrived to say "no bail needed. Let him out if he agrees to appear." I eventually got off with paying a fine for littering so I have no record, but I have been arrested.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 9:40 AM on April 1, 2011


ricochet biscuit: "I am not sure that any lifehacking tip is worth duct-taping Depends to your body every night"

I also speak from experience when I tell you that a Depends adult diaper will not hold the entire amount of a piss taken after a night of drinking beers. It starts to leak down the sides.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 9:42 AM on April 1, 2011


I also speak from experience when I tell you that a Depends adult diaper will not hold the entire amount of a piss taken after a night of drinking beers. It starts to leak down the sides.

Good to know, but the purpose is otherwise: apparently he believes that one gets subconsciously used to letting fly everywhere, so the dude claims that he was having problems with getting up in the night and pissing in his sock drawer. Apparently the duct tape is there so that you must wake up enough to snip the tape with scissors and presumably head for the washroom and not marinate your socks while mostly asleep.

That said, he does mention that he had in the past anointed the girlfriend while asleep, so I wonder if the dresser drawer thing is not the girlfriend's passive-aggressive revenge ("Buddy, you totally emptied your bladder into your sock-drawer again last night. I guess the diapers alone are not doing it... maybe some duct tape?").
posted by ricochet biscuit at 10:29 AM on April 1, 2011


I recognise that guy. I'm pretty sure I've either seen him behind or in front of a bar here on more than one occasion. I even have a drink-addled memory of a drink-addled conversation with him.

Just be careful where you stand.
posted by hydrophonic at 10:45 AM on April 1, 2011


True story: I saw a guy pissing in an doorway in Brooklyn a few years ago. His embarassed girlfriend was with him. He tells her, "Girl, I told you to look for the police, not my junk!"
posted by exogenous at 11:49 AM on April 1, 2011


I was hoping he'd piss in his dresser after cutting off the diaper.
posted by 2N2222 at 1:46 PM on April 1, 2011


Subjection to mass public urination is one of the chief reasons I left New York City. People pissing on the subway, on your doorstep, in the street, all over my face.

That was really the last straw, the piss on my face. What happened was I had locked myself out of my apartment in Morningside Heights and my girlfriend had an extra key. My cell phone, however, was locked inside my apartment. So I went to use an actual pay phone. And I'm standing there leaving a message on my girlfriend's machine and a gust of wind comes up and a cup of liquid that was sitting up on ledge thing in the phone booth was blown over and I was drenched in what I quickly realized was urine. The homeless man who was on the corner looked over at me and said, "oh man, I'm really sorry man." And I'm thinking, were you like saving it up there for later? So I got to spend the warm Manhattan afternoon locked outside of my apartment and covered in pee. Ahh, New York; I love you but I do not miss you.

In any case, I am glad he did the courtesy of dumping out the cup.
posted by Lutoslawski at 4:46 PM on April 1, 2011 [2 favorites]


Just be careful where you stand.
posted by hydrophonic at 6:45 PM on April 1


It's okay. We were pissed anyway. :-)
posted by Decani at 12:16 PM on April 2, 2011


Someday, I'll be able to work the phrase "urinary arrogance" into a conversation. I am looking forward to that day.
posted by chairface at 9:52 AM on April 3, 2011


« Older Freaky Friday Flash Fun, Flatting Flies: Insecton...  |  Rule 63: "There is always a fe... Newer »


This thread has been archived and is closed to new comments