Ever since the local American Apparel closed it’s been impossible to find any ironic tees within biking distance.

April 1, 2011 8:27 AM

Sourcebits Launches The Hipster’s Companion, a Guide to Making Your Life Better. Finally, the app that lets you prove just how much better you are than everyone else without even having to try. This critical guide will help users better their lives by replacing their totally lame everyday tasks with hipster-approved alternatives.

Features of the app include:

• Find the hottest fashions - Simply pull up the fashions tab on The Hipster’s Companion and it will immediately locate every Urban Outfitters store within a 20 mile radius. The app is also optimized to track sales on skinny jeans and leggings, as well as non-prescription, heavy-framed glasses with or without lenses.
• Optimize your dining experience - Tired of those corporate chain casual dining spots that dominate the landscape? Now you’ll be able to hunt down only places that serve vegan meals and offer locally brewed beers. Sure, you may have to drive four hours just to find a place to eat, but would you really rather go to Applebee’s?
• Get recommendations for the best music - Now that Arcade Fire has won a Grammy their totally over, but The Hipster’s Companion will help you find the next amazing band no one’s heard of and who you can completely abandon once they start to get big. Just simply select from the list of seemingly incompatible musical styles to find the latest techno, hip-hop rockabilly act, or randomize your choices for the true hipster experience. You can buy any songs available on iTunes directly from the app, but shouldn’t because any band that’s on iTunes has already sold out.

“This app is a total lifesaver for me,” said a hipster consultant who only goes by Chad. “Ever since the local American Apparel closed it’s been impossible to find any ironic tees within biking distance. Now my collection of clothes inspired by obscure movies is safe for another day.”

posted by Servo5678 (154 comments total)

I hate April Fool's Day.
posted by T.D. Strange at 8:31 AM on April 1, 2011 [14 favorites]

If you're going to make incredibly tired jokes, please get your parody right. American Apparel's never had ironic t-shirts at all.

Seriously though, "lulz hipsters like obscure bands?" That's the joke here? Weak.
posted by Tomorrowful at 8:32 AM on April 1, 2011 [15 favorites]

Didn't We Do This Already ?
posted by The Whelk at 8:32 AM on April 1, 2011

I was threadshitting before it was cool, so I'm okay with saying right out of the gate that this fucking blows.
posted by Think_Long at 8:33 AM on April 1, 2011 [2 favorites]

I've got that on 7"
posted by Ad hominem at 8:35 AM on April 1, 2011 [2 favorites]

their totally over

Over what?! OVER WHAT, DAMN YOU!!!?
posted by robocop is bleeding at 8:35 AM on April 1, 2011 [2 favorites]

[...adds "fucking blows" to oxymoron collection]
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 8:35 AM on April 1, 2011 [1 favorite]

We need to invent our own visible fad culture and ride it out for a while - something with experimental materials or something.
posted by The Whelk at 8:37 AM on April 1, 2011

[photoshops black frame glasses onto someone, anyone at all really]
posted by naju at 8:38 AM on April 1, 2011

[takes black frame glasses off face, looks at them]
posted by The Whelk at 8:39 AM on April 1, 2011 [5 favorites]

hemp clothing.

Hip is when your not aware you are.
posted by clavdivs at 8:39 AM on April 1, 2011 [1 favorite]

What, no PBR or fixie jokes? I've almost got Bingo.
posted by theodolite at 8:39 AM on April 1, 2011 [5 favorites]

Patrol Boat Recon?
posted by clavdivs at 8:40 AM on April 1, 2011

I say we make ren-faire chic happen. Neo-gotic is the latest retro fad.

Plus I can wear a cloak. I have been waiting a very. very. very long time to wear a cloak.
posted by The Whelk at 8:41 AM on April 1, 2011 [8 favorites]

Metafilter loves dad-jokes about the most hackneyed, abandoned markers of the hipster stereotype.
posted by 23skidoo at 8:41 AM on April 1, 2011 [7 favorites]

the h is silent, if you *have* to ask.
posted by The Whelk at 8:41 AM on April 1, 2011

Sure, you may have to drive four hours just to find a place to eat, but would you really rather go to Applebee’s?

fuck i'm a hipster
posted by uncleozzy at 8:45 AM on April 1, 2011 [5 favorites]

Reminds me of this, from episode 1F22: "Bart of Darkness"

Bart dismisses her and picks up a Mad Magazine with Alfred E. Neuman
dressed in a police uniform and the title "NYPD Blecch". "What have we
here? 'The Lighter Side of Hippies'," he reads, then laughs strangely.
"They don't care whose toes they step on!" he laughs strangely again.

posted by mcmile at 8:46 AM on April 1, 2011 [4 favorites]

Sorry, The Whelk, the latest fad is goatherder-chic.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 8:46 AM on April 1, 2011 [1 favorite]

Paying $14 for a microwaved entree at Applebees seems pretty ironic actually.
posted by haveanicesummer at 8:47 AM on April 1, 2011

Now that Arcade Fire has won a Grammy their totally over, but The Hipster’s Companion will help you find the next amazing band no one’s heard of

Lovers

Hip is when your not aware you are.

Hip is when you don't care, but totally look like you do.
posted by mrgrimm at 8:47 AM on April 1, 2011

Sorry, The Whelk, the latest fad is goatherder-chic.

I've sown on some ivy onto my crooked staff, you know, for the Revels.
posted by The Whelk at 8:48 AM on April 1, 2011 [4 favorites]

This thread needs more Helvetica.
posted by Talez at 8:51 AM on April 1, 2011

Lay ee odl lay ee odl-oo!
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 8:51 AM on April 1, 2011

(I was gonna say Warpaint, but then I saw they have 10x more plays than Lovers on last.fm. and like 1000x more views on youbutt.

Fwiw, real hipsters listen to the Blind Street Musicians of Cusco.)
posted by mrgrimm at 8:52 AM on April 1, 2011 [1 favorite]

Find the hottest fashions - Simply pull up the fashions tab on The Hipster’s Companion and it will immediately locate every Urban Outfitters store within a 20 mile radius.

Urban Outfitters? I used to shop there back when they sold these really comfortable baggy pants for $20. Like 10 years ago. I'm not sure if that makes me a hipster or old.
posted by Hoopo at 8:53 AM on April 1, 2011

Would real hipsters shop at Urban Outiftters? UO is to hipsters as Hot Topic is to punks/goths. No one with real cred would be caught there.

Hipsters are such a moving target. I bet the vanguard is waaaay beyond microbrews and fixies now. They're probably rehearsing electro-polka over paper plates of Kraft Mac & Cheese ironically drizzled in locally sourced truffle oil. Maybe?
posted by Kitty Stardust at 8:54 AM on April 1, 2011 [6 favorites]

Also, I can't seem to download the app. There's no a QR code anywhere. Every half-baked april's fools joke this year better at least have a goddamn QR code to a pornographic image.
posted by mrgrimm at 8:55 AM on April 1, 2011

This is totally deck!
posted by klangklangston at 8:55 AM on April 1, 2011 [6 favorites]

More ukelele!
posted by Thorzdad at 8:55 AM on April 1, 2011

Also, this is the only appropriate place in the world to say (or scream):

NO MORE BOAT SHOES!
posted by mrgrimm at 8:55 AM on April 1, 2011 [2 favorites]

[looks down at boat shoes] But ..I was on a boat?
posted by The Whelk at 8:56 AM on April 1, 2011

Portlandia did it.
posted by Kitty Stardust at 8:56 AM on April 1, 2011

NO MORE DAS BOOT SHOES
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 8:57 AM on April 1, 2011 [2 favorites]

I'm more sick and tired of hipster-hating than I am of actual hipsters.
posted by desjardins at 8:58 AM on April 1, 2011 [10 favorites]

I'm just gonna sit here and wait until I can end a business meeting by lifting my cowl and walking out
posted by The Whelk at 8:58 AM on April 1, 2011 [2 favorites]

Flemish Merchant chic is the new skinny jeans/trucker hat/whatever, plebes.
posted by Mister_A at 9:01 AM on April 1, 2011

I end every business meeting by putting on my mirror shades and screaming "Yeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!"
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 9:01 AM on April 1, 2011 [2 favorites]

if you need a guide for hip, you're not
posted by pyramid termite at 9:02 AM on April 1, 2011

Hipsters are such a moving target. I bet the vanguard is waaaay beyond microbrews and fixies now. They're probably rehearsing electro-polka over paper plates of Kraft Mac & Cheese ironically drizzled in locally sourced truffle oil. Maybe?

Fuck it, I'm obsolete.
posted by kurosawa's pal at 9:03 AM on April 1, 2011

Flemish Merchant chic is the new skinny jeans/trucker hat/whatever, plebes.

r u walloonin'?
posted by The Whelk at 9:03 AM on April 1, 2011

I'm fuckin' big walloonin', B!
posted by Mister_A at 9:04 AM on April 1, 2011

This is more like an artificial hip replacement.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 9:04 AM on April 1, 2011 [1 favorite]

I'm more sick and tired of hipster-hating than I am of actual hipsters.

Yeah, I've been hating hipsters before hipsters starting hating.









D'oh!
posted by Celsius1414 at 9:08 AM on April 1, 2011

Also, NOT having an iPhone now makes me cool, now that everyone has one. I have been not-having an iPhone way before it was cool to not have an iPhone. Uh-oh, looks like soon I'll have to get an iPhone.
posted by Mister_A at 9:08 AM on April 1, 2011

I was in New Orleans and well, lots of old carnival outfits end up at Le Garage. I came across not one, but two heavy, solid metal viking helmets and knight's helm.

And they were reasonably priced! This lead to a Domestic Argument.

"Oh come on! I can totally cover it!"

"What are you going to do with a knight's helm!"

"PUT IT ON MY HEAD."

"Oh please."

"NO ONE WOULD CUT IN FRONT OF ME AT THE SUPERMARKET EVER AGAIN>"

"No."

*simmering resentment*
posted by The Whelk at 9:08 AM on April 1, 2011 [14 favorites]

I'm more sick and tired of hipster-hating than I am of actual hipsters.

No, the circle has come round again and first-dimensional hating is back in style.
posted by mrgrimm at 9:09 AM on April 1, 2011

Hate is always in style.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 9:11 AM on April 1, 2011

Sometimes I use Shazam instead of asking a DJ/bartender what song is playing in order to preserve cred.
Everyone on MeFi has some hipster traits. I hate hipsters but I'm typing this in skinny jeans after a night of local music.
Saw the most perfect hipster stereotype tonight. Perfect jeans, perfect hair. Had a Belle & Sebastian lyric in my head: "You had a dream they called you King of all the Hipsters/is that true or are you still the Queen?"
There was also the guy who looked pretty normal but goes to every show and fed the jukebox with cheesy 80s music.
I think what differentiates me and my people from hipsters is SINCERITY. my vintage style Spider-Man shirt is because I love Spidey. My badges are for bands I like. Hipsters are the ones who ruin the vibe of shows by not giving a shit, by being bored and immobile. (But I was like that at Motörhead....)

Hipsters are real. If you move among youth cultures, you know them. They are the Enemy, but they are also Us.
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 9:11 AM on April 1, 2011 [1 favorite]

Sweet. This is totally fetch.
posted by schmod at 9:12 AM on April 1, 2011 [1 favorite]

First of all, and app that hunts down "only places that serve vegan meals and offer locally brewed beers" sounds awesome and second, why does today's date make unfunny (repeatedly recycled) comedy okay?
posted by Rudy Gerner at 9:12 AM on April 1, 2011 [4 favorites]

April Fool's is so over.
posted by orme at 9:13 AM on April 1, 2011 [3 favorites]

I don't get this 'ironic' thing with the hipsters. Could somebody link some examples? I mean, like how can a shirt be ironic?
posted by chugg at 9:14 AM on April 1, 2011

Man this shit is felch.
posted by Mister_A at 9:16 AM on April 1, 2011 [1 favorite]

how can a shirt be ironic

All my shirts are cool ironic only.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 9:18 AM on April 1, 2011 [2 favorites]

like how can a shirt be ironic?

No, it's "iron-on." Like decals
posted by naju at 9:18 AM on April 1, 2011 [1 favorite]

I mean, like how can a shirt be ironic?

Wearing a faded, worn t-shirt that makes it look like you played softball for some nonexistent small-town team, when it's obvious you are unlikely to have ever done well at sports in your entire life. It's like the XXXXXXXXXL t-shirt with the glitter "Sexy" iron-on, but for guys with bad haircuts and ugly glasses.
posted by AzraelBrown at 9:18 AM on April 1, 2011

I don't get this 'ironic' thing with the hipsters. Could somebody link some examples? I mean, like how can a shirt be ironic?
posted by chugg at 9:14 AM on 4/1
[+] [!]

Eponyisterical

Pretty simple. If you wear an old Iron Maiden shirt because you think the art is silly that's hipster irony. The guy feeding the jukebox with Bryan Adams and Kenny Loggins - ironic, 'cause he DJs on Sydney's hipster station.
Whereas i put on Meat Loaf because i love him.
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 9:19 AM on April 1, 2011 [1 favorite]

Doric is the new ironic, at least here in Philadelphia.
posted by Mister_A at 9:19 AM on April 1, 2011

I had this guide before it got mainstream, when it was just a zine.
posted by brand-gnu at 9:20 AM on April 1, 2011

I think what differentiates me and my people from hipsters is SINCERITY

Yes, they think the same about themselves, though.
posted by josher71 at 9:21 AM on April 1, 2011 [2 favorites]

Wearing a faded, worn t-shirt that makes it look like you played softball for some nonexistent small-town team, when it's obvious you are unlikely to have ever done well at sports in your entire life. It's like the XXXXXXXXXL t-shirt with the glitter "Sexy" iron-on, but for guys with bad haircuts and ugly glasses.
posted by AzraelBrown at 9:18 AM on 4/1

Nah that's mainstream now, at least here.
There are two amazing MeFi comments about hipsters. One about how we hate them because they lack authenticity and the other pointing out how hipster MeFi is.
This thread makes me feel young and cool by comparison.
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 9:22 AM on April 1, 2011

No, the circle has come round again and first-dimensional hating is back in style.

Good, because I hate the first dimension. It's totally stupid and doesn't even have width.
Look at you, you're a boring line that can't even turn or squiggle or anything.
posted by Copronymus at 9:23 AM on April 1, 2011 [1 favorite]

WHEN HYPERCOLOR COMES BACK IM GONNA LEAVE ALL YOU MOFOS GASPIN
posted by robocop is bleeding at 9:23 AM on April 1, 2011 [2 favorites]

.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 9:24 AM on April 1, 2011

I think what differentiates me and my people from hipsters is SINCERITY

Yes, they think the same about themselves, though.
posted by josher71 at 9:21 AM on 4/1
[+] [!]


Nah go to a punk or metal show vs a stereotypically hipster show. Totally different vibe and energy. Punks and metalheads love the music and are enthusiastic and friendly. Hipsters want to be cool and hide knowledge.
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 9:24 AM on April 1, 2011 [1 favorite]

"I don't get this 'ironic' thing with the hipsters. Could somebody link some examples? I mean, like how can a shirt be ironic?"

As I told someone else recently, "Your nostalgia is my irony."

Or, per Schlegel, irony is the synthesis of wit and allegory. I would like to be the kid who likes Spiderman unreservedly, even though I know that's impossible.

Plus like six million other things about irony, which my generation knows because Generation X stole it from somewhere in order to justify being unemployed and watching Gomer Pile, USMC all day long.
posted by klangklangston at 9:25 AM on April 1, 2011

So hipsters are basically posers?
posted by chugg at 9:27 AM on April 1, 2011 [1 favorite]

Pretty simple. If you wear an old Iron Maiden shirt because you think the art is silly that's hipster irony.

Hard to call from outside though. There was an Iron Maiden show here last year, and I was surprised at how many young fans there were. I hadn't seen that many Iron Maiden t-shirts since I last went to a carnival.

Wearing a faded, worn t-shirt that makes it look like you played softball for some nonexistent small-town team, when it's obvious you are unlikely to have ever done well at sports in your entire life.

softball's not for athletes. Even I played softball.


WHEN HYPERCOLOR COMES BACK IM GONNA LEAVE ALL YOU MOFOS GASPIN

Ugh, Hypercolor. What were they thinking? Do I really need to highlight my hot sweaty pits with another color?
posted by Hoopo at 9:27 AM on April 1, 2011 [1 favorite]

So hipsters are basically posers?

Minus the redeeming qualities.
posted by Celsius1414 at 9:28 AM on April 1, 2011 [1 favorite]

I give this a 1.6.
posted by jefbla at 9:29 AM on April 1, 2011

I don't know that that necessarily refutes my argument, LIB. Those hipsters at the Matt and Kim show could be super into Matt and Kim the same way the metal/punk people are into Big Business or whatever.
posted by josher71 at 9:29 AM on April 1, 2011

A 1.6 band?
posted by josher71 at 9:30 AM on April 1, 2011

Hipsters are only pretending to be posers. They were posers back in the day. Before everyone else became posers.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 9:30 AM on April 1, 2011 [2 favorites]

Hard to call from outside though. There was an Iron Maiden show here last year, and I was surprised at how many young fans there were.

Yeah same at the Maiden show I went to. But if it's worn by somebody who wouldn't be caught dead listening to Maiden it's ironic.
BTW the Hold Steady calls hipsters 'sniffling indie kids'. They're why I broke from hipster culture. They played two installments of the most hipster festival in Australia. That's normal irony.
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 9:32 AM on April 1, 2011

Glass pistol candy jars.
posted by clavdivs at 9:37 AM on April 1, 2011

A young man helped me load groceries into the back of my sweet-ass minivan last night. He works for the store, but no one had ever helped me load my groceries before. Anyway, as we're putting bags in, he says, "Sir? Are you ready for Wrestlemania?"

I was a bit flummoxed— I hadn't really done anything at all to get ready— but then again, I was probably as ready as I'd ever be!

"Yeah, I'm all set," I told the young man.

"Who is your favorite wrestler–do you have a favorite?"

I explained how I like the old-time guys, like George "The Animal" Steele.

"Oh, a lot of the old guys are coming back! Roddy Piper's coming back!" he gushed.

Then we talked about They Live for a minute or two. I would rather talk about a topic of marginal interest to me personally with a person who has a genuine enthusiasm for it than talk about something I love with someone who is more about posturing and trying to "win" the conversation.
posted by Mister_A at 9:38 AM on April 1, 2011 [14 favorites]

I need to learn that April 1st should be a "let's see if I can go 24 hours without logging online day."

When's the last time an April 1st prank was fun? 2003? Which may also be the last time hipster jokes were really relevant, as well.
posted by Windigo at 9:38 AM on April 1, 2011 [1 favorite]

They Live is awesome. Still.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 9:42 AM on April 1, 2011 [2 favorites]

I don't know that that necessarily refutes my argument, LIB. Those hipsters at the Matt and Kim show could be super into Matt and Kim the same way the metal/punk people are into Big Business or whatever.

Yeah but the vibe is different. My punk housemate saw Soft Pack at a local indie night and talked about the INDIFFERENCE of the crowd. That's what's so annoying. Those shows have a standoffish, exclusive vibe that make them wearying.
Or maybe I'm just jealous since I'm not as thin as them anymore.

(I work for a music site and spend all my free time at gigs. Dissecting scene politics is a hobby)
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 9:43 AM on April 1, 2011

I would rather talk about a topic of marginal interest to me personally with a person who has a genuine enthusiasm for it than talk about something I love with someone who is more about posturing and trying to "win" the conversation.

Yes, I agree. The other day I was talking to a person from Latvia and I was thinking "It's a good thing he's not a Polack! At least Latvians know how to screw in a lightbulb." And don't even get me started on my mother-in-law.
posted by nasreddin at 9:44 AM on April 1, 2011 [1 favorite]

How have I never heard of Big Business? I know what I'm listening to tonight!
posted by adamdschneider at 9:45 AM on April 1, 2011

They Live is awesome. Still.

The hipsters are the ones laughing during screenings like it's a bad movie on MST3K.
It's worth noting that hipster is DESCRIPTIVE, not PROSCRIPTIVE. and people who claim not to be hipsters have hipster traits. If i made a font thread how many of you would respond?
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 9:46 AM on April 1, 2011

Yeah. Recycled hipster jokes are so old and lame that even saying "recycled hipster jokes are so old and lame" feels recycled, old and lame. And also this opens me up to another recycled, old, lame hipster joke - "you were into recycled, old, lame hipster jokes before anyone else was, amirite" - all of which immediately makes me want to commit suicide. Maybe The Pale King will cheer me up.
posted by naju at 9:46 AM on April 1, 2011 [4 favorites]

My punk housemate saw Soft Pack at a local indie night and talked about the INDIFFERENCE of the crowd.

Well, your mileage may vary, but I saw Givers at SXSW this year and the crowd was going fucking nuts. It could be that Soft Pack didn't put on a very good show?

I have no love for indie rock--at all--but from what I've seen its fans are just as unironically enthusiastic about it as fans of any other genre.
posted by IjonTichy at 9:47 AM on April 1, 2011

LIB's earnest need to be a accepted as a non-hipster is so 2003.
posted by nasreddin at 9:48 AM on April 1, 2011

(all the cool kids are putting in extraneous As now)
posted by nasreddin at 9:49 AM on April 1, 2011

An accepted.
posted by adamdschneider at 9:49 AM on April 1, 2011

Are you making ironic corrections, adamschneider?
posted by Mister_A at 9:51 AM on April 1, 2011

This? Well this is my clubbing wand. It has two uses.
posted by The Whelk at 9:52 AM on April 1, 2011

Had a Belle & Sebastian lyric in my head: "You had a dream they called you King of all the Hipsters/is that true or are you still the Queen?"
That was from a '97 ep, so I wonder if they were talking about jazz fans. Nice.
posted by mippy at 9:57 AM on April 1, 2011

Lovecraft, you may need to bite the bullet and accept that the people who make terrible websites like this think you are a HIPSTER. Embrace it, quit hatin on your fellow man, and join the rest of us in the imbroglio.
posted by zvs at 9:58 AM on April 1, 2011 [1 favorite]

yeah, I love re-scheduling on billable hours. Now I can do fool things.
happy birthday
posted by clavdivs at 9:58 AM on April 1, 2011

I've always wanted to do something truly original. But I keep getting arrested.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 9:59 AM on April 1, 2011 [2 favorites]

I have no love for indie rock--at all--but from what I've seen its fans are just as unironically enthusiastic about it as fans of any other genre.
posted by IjonTichy at 9:47 AM on 4/1
I'm the guy who loves an indie rock band so much someone thought I was paid by their label. I'm talking Matt & Kim, Xiu Xiu (though they're good), Odd Future... I dunno. It's a moving target and impossible to keep up with what's cool. It's why I stopped. I'm still probably more of a hipster than some of you and less than others. And I'm off to bed...
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 9:59 AM on April 1, 2011

That was from a '97 ep, so I wonder if they were talking about jazz fans. Nice.

Harlan Ellison has an anti-hipster rant in Spider's Kiss, a rock novel from the 50s or 60s. It's great.
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 10:01 AM on April 1, 2011

Are you making ironic corrections, adamschneider?

Are you ironically leaving letters out of my name, Mister_?
posted by adamdschneider at 10:04 AM on April 1, 2011

WHEN HYPERCOLOR COMES BACK IM GONNA LEAVE ALL YOU MOFOS GASPIN
posted by robocop is bleeding

Too late, hotplate. Behold!
posted by Kitty Stardust at 10:06 AM on April 1, 2011

Hipsters are always someone else. To Mr. Stardust I'm a hipster, but that's only because he prefers the music of William Joel.
posted by Kitty Stardust at 10:10 AM on April 1, 2011 [1 favorite]

When's the last time an April 1st prank was fun? 2003? Which may also be the last time hipster jokes were really relevant, as well.


You say that like 2003 was a long time ago.
posted by Herodios at 10:12 AM on April 1, 2011

"I would rather talk about a topic of marginal interest to me personally with a person who has a genuine enthusiasm for it than talk about something I love with someone who is more about posturing and trying to "win" the conversation."

It was only my Silenusian ability to consume vats of rum and marijuana that kept me mellow enough to deal with the goddamn narcissistic trumper (who runs his own reissue label that's licensed things to Drag City, maybe you've heard of them) who wanted to lecture me on how McGruber was actually the best movie that came out last year, and that Ariel Pink is just this genius gnome who has no equal in music past present or future, and who kept challenging me to name my favorite whateverthefuck. It's like, dude, my opinions don't come pre-snarked from the AV Club, and I really don't give a shit about how you keep running out of music to listen to because you've heard it all before. Simply knowing obscure references doesn't mean that your opinions about them are anything but recycled received wisdom, and I've been around long enough to know that everything's obscure to someone.

Plus, his answer to my, "Where would you want to time travel?" question was hella lame. Claiming that you got it from Dave Atell doesn't make it funny.
posted by klangklangston at 10:14 AM on April 1, 2011 [1 favorite]

Kitty Stardust: "To Mr. Stardust I'm a hipster, but that's only because he prefers the music of William Joel."

A friend once called me a hipster for not liking Stargate: SG-1.
posted by brundlefly at 10:16 AM on April 1, 2011

"Where would you want to time travel?"

Man...too many answers.
posted by adamdschneider at 10:18 AM on April 1, 2011

A friend once called me a hipster for not liking Stargate: SG-1.
posted by brundlefly at 2:16 AM on April 2 [+] [!]

There's no excuse for liking SG-1. Not even MacGuyver.
posted by gc at 10:19 AM on April 1, 2011

"Where would you want to time travel?"

That hurts my brain.
posted by Lemurrhea at 10:33 AM on April 1, 2011

>
their totally over

Over what?! OVER WHAT, DAMN YOU!!!?

Just a typo.

Now that Arcade Fire has won a Grammy their totally over...

If you haven't won Grammy totally over yet, you're running out of time.
posted by mmrtnt at 10:33 AM on April 1, 2011

"Where would you want to time travel?"

That hurts my brain.

While I see your point, it's still somewhat valid, as I would not want to travel very far into the past at all if I had to stay in Chicago.
posted by adamdschneider at 10:34 AM on April 1, 2011

Where would you want to time travel?

I'd like to travel back a few weeks and taunt myself with Lottery numbers. I'd be all like, "d00d! There's going to be $316 million dollar jackpot!" And I'd be all like, "Sweet! What are the numbers?" And then I'd be all like, "Psych! I don't know, I didn't write them down. You'd just blow it all, anyway, you loser!" And then I'd punch myself in the throat, really, really hard. And then I'd be all, "Gack! d00d! You're only hurting yourself with this childish behavior!" And I'd be all, "Who better?"
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 10:35 AM on April 1, 2011 [3 favorites]

Is it too soon for cat's eye glasses on women?
posted by mmrtnt at 10:39 AM on April 1, 2011

Not according to my mother.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 10:40 AM on April 1, 2011 [1 favorite]

Is it too soon for cat's eye glasses on young-er women?
posted by mmrtnt at 10:41 AM on April 1, 2011

Cat-eye glasses were cool in the '90s. Heck, even I was cool in the '90s!
posted by Mister_A at 10:42 AM on April 1, 2011

OMG after a moment of painful self-reflection I've realized that I really am listening to Blind Guardian ironically. It's not that I enthusiastically like German power metal, it's that I'm amused by the thought of liking German power metal.

I have seen the hipster, and he is me.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 10:44 AM on April 1, 2011 [2 favorites]

You don't scare me, BitterOldPunk. I got my Hipster inoculation early this year.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 10:48 AM on April 1, 2011

I want my girlfriend to wear cats-eye glasses.

And we are not young or hip, but anyone's defnition.
posted by mmrtnt at 10:49 AM on April 1, 2011

by
posted by mmrtnt at 10:49 AM on April 1, 2011

You say that like 2003 was a long time ago.

That's around a billion internet years.
posted by thsmchnekllsfascists at 11:03 AM on April 1, 2011 [1 favorite]

Also - and it should be obvious - if the local American Apparel were hip, they wouldn't have had to close!

Unless, of course, they were SO hip that they just had no other choice.
posted by mmrtnt at 11:09 AM on April 1, 2011

OMG after a moment of painful self-reflection I've realized that I really am listening to Blind Guardian ironically. It's not that I enthusiastically like German power metal, it's that I'm amused by the thought of liking German power metal.

Aww.
posted by adamdschneider at 11:11 AM on April 1, 2011

I have a confession.

I intentionally dress my four year old son as a sort of tiny hipster (bright, skinny jeans, ironic tees, tiny hip sneakers, bed-head hair, occasionally a tiny cool vest or a 50's dad cardigan -- no big glasses though) because I think he looks adorable that way, and because he loves to wear bright colors. I do it because I reject the idea that all little boys can only wear navy, brown, and green, and that their shirts must all have dinosaurs, football players, or trucks on them. Both kids and parents in his preschool class admire his clothes.

We're far from hipsters, (I'd call my personal style "dull grownup preppy" actually), but I want to give credit to the hipsters for one thing: making it ok for men (and boys) to wear bright colors and something that isn't drab.

I'm not sure what that makes me, but I hope when he's five years older he's still excited about wearing purple jeans and a green shirt.
posted by anastasiav at 11:11 AM on April 1, 2011 [3 favorites]

The only reason I don't like being labelled a hipster (I can roll with hipster hate, it doesn't bother me any) is that people then assume all my music choices are ironic or that I'm listening to things just to be a hipster and make people think I'm cool. Man, I actually like weird crossover genres - don't knock bluegrass hiphop 'til you've tried it - and I listen to bands because I like them, not because I'm participating in some sort of cred-based metagame. (Although I do make jokes about keeping score in said cred-based metagame. "Okay, I got our tickets for the My Chemical Romance concert, but we're going to have to have dinner at a vegan Thai/barbecue fusion microbrewery before the show to keep my cred from taking a huge hit here.")

(I don't like My Chemical Romance ironically, either. How can you ironically like a band that is performing ironically to begin with? The songs are catchy! Rock operas are cool!)
posted by titus n. owl at 11:12 AM on April 1, 2011 [1 favorite]

I meant to include a link on the words "bluegrass hiphop" and I forgot. :C
posted by titus n. owl at 11:14 AM on April 1, 2011

hey guys! remember my comment from last year about how i felt "hipster humor" had already been played out for a good year or so?

no?
posted by clarenceism at 11:21 AM on April 1, 2011

You know, I was making bad seasonal jokes, like, last year.

Poseurs.
posted by Samizdata at 11:21 AM on April 1, 2011

I want to give credit to the hipsters for one thing: making it ok for men (and boys) to wear bright colors and something that isn't drab.

God damn it I like dark grey!
posted by adamdschneider at 11:27 AM on April 1, 2011

...making it ok for men (and boys) to wear bright colors and something that isn't drab.

Didn't Izod Lacoste do that in the '80's?
posted by mmrtnt at 11:30 AM on April 1, 2011

Quick Pa the barn's on fire.
posted by pianomover at 11:31 AM on April 1, 2011

Didn't Izod Lacoste do that in the '80's?

It has to happen over and over again because in between the periods of "it's okay for men to wear bright colours" there have been periods of "if you wear bright colours you are gay and that is bad": the Wrong Assumption Doubleteam
posted by titus n. owl at 11:47 AM on April 1, 2011

This has probably been linked before
posted by Pruitt-Igoe at 12:08 PM on April 1, 2011

I am a hipster.
posted by Uther Bentrazor at 12:53 PM on April 1, 2011

I am the walrus
posted by The Whelk at 1:08 PM on April 1, 2011

There's no excuse for liking SG-1. Not even MacGuyver.

My husband LOVES SG-1. I'm too disturbed by Samantha Carter's stereotypical lesbian haircut to get into it. Her haircut makes me question her love for Colonel O'Neill. How can you maintain an opposite sex attraction with that haircut? Shouldn't you be listening to the Indigo Girls and buying cargo pants?

(Seriously, that's a really bad haircut.)
posted by sonika at 1:09 PM on April 1, 2011

It's the future, sonika. The future.
posted by Mister_A at 1:47 PM on April 1, 2011

It's a flying haircut.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 1:57 PM on April 1, 2011

How can you maintain an opposite sex attraction with that haircut?

I think it is a military requirement. There are several episodes where they show Samantha on dates and going shopping and I gotta say she is pretty girly.

oh I probably wasn't supposed to take that seriously. But I cant help talking about SG1
posted by Ad hominem at 2:16 PM on April 1, 2011

Plus she grows it out when she leave SG1 and works at Area 51
posted by Ad hominem at 2:21 PM on April 1, 2011

Do you mean a haircut meant for aviators, or can the haircut itself ACTUALLY FLY?
posted by Mister_A at 2:23 PM on April 1, 2011

ALMOST LIKE A RAZOR
posted by The Whelk at 2:24 PM on April 1, 2011

IT CAN ACTUALLY FLY
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 2:25 PM on April 1, 2011

HAIRSTYLE IN THE SKY
IT CAN FLY TWICE AS HIGH
SUCH A CHIC LOOK
FLOATS UP A NOOK
AIRBORNE HAIRSTYLE
posted by The Whelk at 2:26 PM on April 1, 2011 [2 favorites]

Well I know what I'm doing this weekend!
posted by Mister_A at 2:28 PM on April 1, 2011

Take me higher, beehive do.
posted by The Whelk at 2:30 PM on April 1, 2011

IT FLOATS LIKE A BIRD
DROPS TORPEDO TURD-
LIKE HAIRBALLS DOWN
LITTERS THE GROUND
AIRBORNE HAIRSTYLE
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 2:30 PM on April 1, 2011

Samantha and Vala go shopping.
posted by Ad hominem at 2:37 PM on April 1, 2011

Many hairstyles of Samantha Carter

Keep in mind the super short look in season 5 she was a captive of the replicators. It gets long after she takes over Atlantis, guess no more rules and regulations. Then on Sanctuary, bam! Totally different, if I didnt know better I would never have know that Sam had come back from Atlantis and taken over Sancuary.
posted by Ad hominem at 3:04 PM on April 1, 2011

I am the walrus
posted by The Whelk

Jacques Cousteau would beg to differ.
posted by jonmc at 5:50 PM on April 1, 2011

Cousteau can suck my bivalve
posted by The Whelk at 5:52 PM on April 1, 2011 [3 favorites]

We're far from hipsters, (I'd call my personal style "dull grownup preppy" actually), but I want to give credit to the hipsters for one thing: making it ok for men (and boys) to wear bright colors and something that isn't drab.

That's another reason to hate them. Black should be good enough for anyone.
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 5:55 PM on April 1, 2011

That's another reason to hate them. Black should be good enough for anyone.
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn

Babysit me!
posted by Kitty Stardust at 7:57 AM on April 2, 2011

Next trend: gothletes.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 12:43 PM on April 2, 2011

I'm more sick and tired of hipster-hating than I am of actual hipsters.

Jaded hipster.

hey guys! remember my comment from last year

Why would I want to remember something that's a year old? Too new to be vintage, too old to be deck. If you want somebody to pay attention to you, do something about those...wait, are they really your shoes?
posted by obiwanwasabi at 12:17 AM on April 3, 2011

"Deck" is supposed to be hipster slang, right? Why have I never heard anyone saying it other than people who are making fun of hipsters? Is it an urban myth?
posted by brundlefly at 1:49 PM on April 3, 2011

it's an urban myth
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 4:51 PM on April 3, 2011

"Deck" was a bit of fake slang introduced in The Hipster Handbook--so if you catch someone using it, it's because all they know about hipsters comes from a decade-old book. Unsurprisingly, people who've been making the same jokes for eight years often fall into this category. You should preemptively blacklist their email addresses, because they're liable to start forwarding dumb chain letters to you at any moment.
posted by nasreddin at 6:24 PM on April 3, 2011