Sbarro is out of dough

April 2, 2011 6:05 AM

With $365 million in debt, mall food court Italian restaurant chain Sbarro has filed for Chapter 11. With nearly 1,000 restaurants in 30 countries, this could impact lovers of congealed pizza everywhere. Let's take a look back at some happier moments in the chain's lifespan.
posted by porn in the woods (259 comments total)

How does the logic work in the mind of a vendor doing business with a pizza company with $365,000,000 of debt do the logic? Does it look like this:

Sbarro- "hey, send me $2,000,000 in pepperoni!"

Vendor- "ummm , ah, you already owe me for the $5,000,000 worth of cheese I sent last week."

Sbarro- "awww, come-on pepperoni guy, please...pretty please... :-) "

Vendor- "OK"

'cuz, that would be stupid, right?
posted by tomswift at 6:17 AM on April 2, 2011 [1 favorite]

I feel partially responsible.

Was at a Sbarro's in an Ohio rest area a couple months ago. Asked for a salad, a slice and a breadstick. Gentleman said the salad was cruddy so he gave it to me for free. He forgot the breadstick and when I mentioned it he gave me three for free. Then he gave me the wrong kind of pizza and I didn't say anything.

As I was eating, he realized he had given me the wrong pizza and he brought me the right one and a complete refund and I was sitting before a feast fit for five kings and ended up throwing most of it away.

The salad was fine.
posted by _aa_ at 6:22 AM on April 2, 2011 [110 favorites]

I worked at the Sbarro in a dying Midwestern mall through college. I really learned a lot at that job. Not much of it had to do with cooking Italian food.
posted by wg at 6:25 AM on April 2, 2011 [5 favorites]

You know, I don't think I've ever thought of Sbarro in any other context than, "Damn, this is one of THOSE rest stops, huh." I wonder what similarly soul-killing franchise will rise up to take its place along American highways.
posted by Greg Nog at 6:26 AM on April 2, 2011 [13 favorites]

Plebs love cheap Italian, here's your big opportunity.
posted by Meatbomb at 6:31 AM on April 2, 2011

Jack Donaghy: It's gonna be a who's who of New York royalty. The Astors, the Rockefellers, the Sbarros...
Avery Jessup: I know, and it kills me. You think I don't want to know what Pizzarella Sbarro will be wearing?
posted by macadamiaranch at 6:34 AM on April 2, 2011 [24 favorites]

How does the logic work

Having been in this position, I think it really goes more like this:

Sbarro- "hey, send me $2,000,000 in pepperoni!"

Vendor- "ummm , ah, you already owe me for the $5,000,000 worth of cheese I sent last week."

Sbarro- "You know we're good for it. Besides, we're your biggest client. You need our business. There are hundred of small suppliers that would give their left nut for a shot at a big client like us. Do you really want them to get a foothold in your market you've spent years developing?

Vendor- (humbly) "OK."

Sbarro- "And send another $5.000,000 worth of cheese.

Vendor- "OK."
posted by Mcable at 6:36 AM on April 2, 2011 [25 favorites]

tomswift I've got a guess, based on some temp work I did a while back for a fairly largish regional book/video/magazine/etc chain. I was doing mindless cube work, so I had a lot of attention to spare for the phone conversations going on around me.

Every cube in the area I was in was filled with people who appeared to have one job: taking calls from vendors and informing them that the chain would not be paying them on time, would not tolerate any late fees or other penalties for failure to pay on time, and expected their new orders to be filled ASAP.

It was apparently the corporate policy that vendors got paid only after several months had passed.

Being a largish regional chain they had the advantage over the smaller vendors. The vendors accepted that they'd get paid, eventually, and that cutting the chain off would mean they'd never get paid, so they accepted the lousy deal.

I can easily see Sbarro pulling exactly what you describe, and the vendor going along because they expected to be paid, eventually, if only they'd put up with the crap from the large retailer.

On preview, what Mcable said.
posted by sotonohito at 6:39 AM on April 2, 2011 [5 favorites]

it takes talent to go broke selling pizza for 4 bucks a slice
posted by pyramid termite at 6:43 AM on April 2, 2011 [60 favorites]

I really learned a lot at that job. Not much of it had to do with cooking Italian food.

go onnnn.
posted by pwally at 6:43 AM on April 2, 2011 [4 favorites]

I've heard it said that even bad pizza is good pizza. I believed this. Then I ate at Sbarro.
posted by exogenous at 6:44 AM on April 2, 2011 [39 favorites]

It was apparently the corporate policy that vendors got paid only after several months had passed.

I can easily see Sbarro pulling exactly what you describe, and the vendor going along because they expected to be paid, eventually, if only they'd put up with the crap from the large retailer.

This is SOP for so many big companies that the vendors probably didn't even blink. I worked for a certain international business machine company years ago that let every bill age 90 days before they would even look at them.
posted by briank at 6:45 AM on April 2, 2011 [2 favorites]

Tiffany wept.
posted by The Whelk at 6:48 AM on April 2, 2011 [4 favorites]

I assume that it would have been far worse than $365 million if they didn't have their locations at JFK and LaGuardia.
posted by Capt. Renault at 6:55 AM on April 2, 2011

Sbarro for me will forever be linked to a student film shoot I worked on in the early 90's. The setting for the entire movie was the small island in the middle of Times Square right across from Sbarros. Somehow the director had received a permit from the city to film there and myself and the entire crew were entrenched on that island for 4 or 5 days, mostly in the late night hours.

Sbarros became a oasis and refuge during our rare breaks. I saw many a strange scene there and within that short period I successfully fulfilled my lifetime quota of meals at Sbarros. Their spaghetti and meatballs wasn't the worse meal I've ever had, I'll say that for it. They keep their restaurant warm when it's cold outside. There's another positive for you.
posted by jeremias at 6:58 AM on April 2, 2011 [4 favorites]

Sborders.
Sbarnes and Noble.
S'byebye!
posted by fourcheesemac at 6:58 AM on April 2, 2011 [7 favorites]

You know, if I ran my life like the big companies appear to operate, they would have me in jail. How does this continue?
posted by NiteMayr at 6:59 AM on April 2, 2011 [12 favorites]

you let them run your life and you end up in a jail-like society
posted by pyramid termite at 7:11 AM on April 2, 2011 [28 favorites]

I do always choose Sbarro when faced with the Food Court Sophie's Choice of questionable Chinese food or Sbarro. Congealed pizza has yet to have severe gastrointestinal consequences for me.

Thankfully, the international terminal at Logan Airport now has an Au Bon Pain, sparing me from facing down General Tso halfway over the Atlantic.
posted by sonika at 7:13 AM on April 2, 2011 [12 favorites]

You know, if I ran my life like the big companies appear to operate, they would have me in jail. How does this continue?

When you owe the bank $100,000, it's your problem. When you owe them $1,000,000,000, it's their problem.

(Paraphrased from Rosalie Goes Shopping; the amounts should probably be updated, since owing a bank a million bucks doesn't seem that extraordinary anymore.)
posted by rtha at 7:15 AM on April 2, 2011 [6 favorites]

I managed a Sbarro's for several years back in the early 90's, in a mall about 60 miles north of Seattle. I don't know how much things changed since then, but at the time all of the food was ordered through a company that was owned by the childhood friend of Sbarro's owner. The thing was, all of our food came from New Jersey. (I'll pause here while you look at a map and calculate the distance a food/produce delivery truck has to drive from New Jersey to Seattle.)

The food ordering process consisted of doing an inventory of my food on hand, adding in the quantities of food currently en route, calculating the anticipated usage in the next two weeks, and ordering the difference. My food truck might show up anytime between Monday and Thursday on the second week after I placed the order. If I was running low on something early in the week, I had to call around to other stores upstream to figure out where the truck was, so I could make a judgement call on whether or not to by some local supplies to get me by until the truck arrived.

For canned goods it was no big deal, I could always keep a l little extra on hand (within reason), but for spoil-able produce it was a real balancing act. Buying locally would be more expensive and blow my food cost, ordering too much would lead to spoilage and blow my food cost, ordering too little would cause me to run out and have to buy locally and blow my food cost.

In one memorable incident, the delivery truck broke an axle going through the Rocky Mountains in Colorado, and our delivery was delayed by over a week. We actually got the following shipment before we got that one, which arrived the next day. Two weeks of nothing, and then two full shipments within 48 hours, and my tiny little mall store had nowhere to put all of the supplies.

Any sane business would utilize local/regional distributors at least for the the spoil-able items, but instead we were stuck with a distributor that made perfect sense in New York/New Jersey, and progressively less sense the further away you were from there.

I am not at all shocked that they have gone bankrupt.
posted by Lokheed at 7:19 AM on April 2, 2011 [139 favorites]

I first ran into Sbarro in Manhattan in the 80's, even a kid from California like me could tell their pizza was crap. That they have survived this long is sort of surprising but there's lots more crap pizza being sold in the US than good pizza so I guess it makes sense.
posted by doctor_negative at 7:20 AM on April 2, 2011 [3 favorites]

I have often eyed their food and eaten elsewhere.
posted by fleetmouse at 7:31 AM on April 2, 2011 [9 favorites]

sbarro's is okay if you absolutely must eat in a mall food court.
posted by empath at 7:33 AM on April 2, 2011 [4 favorites]

Sbarro's was frequently the most appealing thing in the turnpike food courts where it appeared on the east coast when I lived there (NY/NJ/MA). It's not great food but nothing you're going to get in a turnpike food court is.
posted by immlass at 7:36 AM on April 2, 2011 [3 favorites]

That $365mn (or most of it, anyway) isn't going to be owed to suppliers, but to banks (see the third link "the chain...notified lenders on Jan. 3 that it expected to default under a credit agreement").

So the banks will work out a deal where they get ownership of the company (or at least of shares in the company) in exchange for writing off the debt. Some of the lenders might not get anything, those will be ones who charged higher interest in the first place, in exchange for accepting more risk.
posted by Infinite Jest at 7:41 AM on April 2, 2011 [1 favorite]

sbarro's is okay if you absolutely must eat in a mall food court.

In other words, there is absolutely nothing okay about that statement.
posted by eriko at 7:44 AM on April 2, 2011 [3 favorites]

I've heard it said that even bad pizza is good pizza. I believed this. Then I ate at Sbarro.

Sbarro is good bad pizza. Dominos is also good bad pizza. Pizza Hut is bad bad pizza. Chicago style "pizza" is neither good nor pizza.
posted by DU at 7:45 AM on April 2, 2011 [34 favorites]

Their stromboli were good for when you absolutely, positively had to drop a massive cheese bomb on your gut on the way out of the Pittsburgh airport.

Chicago style "pizza" is neither good nor pizza.

Flagged as go fuck your mother.
posted by adamdschneider at 7:49 AM on April 2, 2011 [144 favorites]

Sbarro can't die soon enough.
posted by b1tr0t at 7:51 AM on April 2, 2011

Chicago style "pizza" is neither good nor pizza.

Excuse me?
posted by phaedon at 7:52 AM on April 2, 2011 [1 favorite]

It can be good, but it is not pizza. it's a pie.

Distinctions are important
posted by The Whelk at 7:53 AM on April 2, 2011 [10 favorites]

I swear I was getting some decent pizza at a Sbarros a few years back. It really surprised me. Nothing fancy, just a slice of cheese and a slice of pepperoni, but they had clean, fresh flavors and the dough had a surprisingly nice texture, a good ratio of chewiness to crispiness. Way better than anything from the big chains like Pizza Hut (blechh). The manager was a handsome young Italian guy who always seemed happy to be there, and proud of his food, as did the people behind the counter.

But after about a year, the management changed, and so did the crew, and it went downhill fast. Now they just kind of grunt when taking your order, and the pizza tastes like it was made the day before.
posted by puny human at 7:54 AM on April 2, 2011

True dat, if you can't eat it while walking down the street it ain't pizza.
posted by jonmc at 7:54 AM on April 2, 2011 [7 favorites]

It's not great food but nothing you're going to get in a turnpike food court is.

Subway is nothing to write home about, but you can get relatively healthy food there. It certainly beats eating at Cracker Barrel or Wendy's when on the road.
posted by Scoo at 7:54 AM on April 2, 2011

I completely wore out a cassette of the Krush Groove soundtrack. Good times.
posted by mintcake! at 7:56 AM on April 2, 2011 [2 favorites]

To call what Sbarro's serves "pizza" is like calling McDonald's food "hamburgers".
posted by KingEdRa at 7:59 AM on April 2, 2011 [5 favorites]

From the WSJ article:

Sbarro, based in Melville, N.Y., employs about 5,000 people and started cutting jobs and closing stores in the wake of the global financial crisis. Its troubles stem in part from debt taken on in 2007 to back a buyout by private-equity firm MidOcean Partners. The private-equity firm's current ownership stake is likely to be wiped out in the bankruptcy. MidOcean declined to comment.

Figures.
posted by ZeusHumms at 8:02 AM on April 2, 2011 [2 favorites]

Sbarro reminds me too much of the Italian slang word sborra, which means jizz. Despite never having eaten there, hich I suspect is a blessing, the very sight of a Sbarro sign was always more than gross, it bordered on the viscerally vomitous.
posted by lydhre at 8:02 AM on April 2, 2011 [27 favorites]

Sbankrupt
posted by chinston at 8:03 AM on April 2, 2011 [5 favorites]

Sbarro is good bad pizza. Dominos is also good bad pizza.

X is to Y. I've turned down free Dominos when hungry. Also, the correct choice when forced to buy food at a rest stop is always peanuts or mixed nuts.
posted by ennui.bz at 8:04 AM on April 2, 2011 [1 favorite]

(also, I am an unabashed fan of junkfood/fastfood, and I think Sbarra Bsucks)
posted by jonmc at 8:06 AM on April 2, 2011

Also isn't dominos owned by some crazy right-wing church group?
posted by The Whelk at 8:06 AM on April 2, 2011

I was always more of a fan of the congealed baked ziti.
posted by JanetLand at 8:08 AM on April 2, 2011 [6 favorites]

Also isn't dominos owned by some crazy right-wing church group?

The Domino's owner is more Catholic than the pope.

There was a Sbarro's in the Duluth MN mall food court and back in the early 90's (when malls were still a Big Deal) it was better than average. I had Sbarro's a few years ago and was surprised at how terrible it had gotten.

Either that or my teenage tastebuds pretty much ate anything back in the day.
posted by unixrat at 8:10 AM on April 2, 2011 [1 favorite]

When you owe the bank $100,000, it's your problem. When you owe them $1,000,000,000, it's their problem.

(Paraphrased from Rosalie Goes Shopping; the amounts should probably be updated, since owing a bank a million bucks doesn't seem that extraordinary anymore.)

When you misread your statement and mistake what you owe the bank as one million when it's actually one billion it's a problem for both you and the bank. :)
posted by Babblesort at 8:11 AM on April 2, 2011 [6 favorites]

Domino's got a lot better when they rebooted last year. The founder of the company is Tom Monaghan, the driving force behind Ave Maria, a right-wing Catholic planned community in south Florida.
posted by The Winsome Parker Lewis at 8:14 AM on April 2, 2011

(I should add that Monaghan is no longer affiliated with Domino's, as far as I know, and I don't believe the company has any ties to the Catholic church. Their reformulated recipes are quite good, for delivery pizza.)
posted by The Winsome Parker Lewis at 8:15 AM on April 2, 2011 [5 favorites]

This is a good case study for one of the fundamental problems facing the finance industry: overextending credit. As someone said above, when you owe the bank $10,000 that's your problem; When you owe the bank $1,000,000 dollars, it's their problem.

It's not uncommon for largish companies with these kinds of credit lines and debt to purposely declare bankruptcy in an effort to force creditors to renegotiate terms: "Okay Citibank, I know we owe you $500 million, but unless you're willing to work with us on that debt, we're going to just default on it."

In some cases, the owners will simply default, let the banks duke it out in receivership and wait for the shell company to be put up for sale. At that point in time the original owners will often place a bid to buy back the company with significantly reduced/eliminated debt burden and rebuild from there.
posted by tgrundke at 8:18 AM on April 2, 2011 [2 favorites]

I was always amused at all the Sbarro joints clustered around Midtown, luring in the poor tourists. I looked on them with the sort of pity one might reserve for the unfortunate soul who throws away a winning lottery ticket.
posted by invitapriore at 8:22 AM on April 2, 2011 [3 favorites]

Michael Scott is gonna be pissed.
posted by spilon at 8:30 AM on April 2, 2011 [18 favorites]

But after about a year, the management changed, and so did the crew, and it went downhill fast. Now they just kind of grunt when taking your order, and the pizza tastes like it was made the day before.

Yea, the thing is that while pizza is pizza- a basic pie crust, sauce, cheese, and possibly toppings- there is a lot that goes in to making that pizza taste well. I worked both at our University pizza joint and a Pizza Hut express in between jobs and management really can set a tone.
-The pie crust comes frozen, and you're supposed to poof it by putting it in a warmer for an hour or so depending on it's size & thickness. At Pizza Hut Express at least, after it was done poofing, you're supposed to put the pies back in a cooler for x time to finish the process. Now granted you can just take a pie out frozen and whip it in to the oven, or not finish the process properly, but it tastes like shit. The whole process takes from 2-3 hours and due to lunch rushes and laziness, it doesn't always get done. If you ever get a crappy pizza fro Express, it's either because they screwed up the poofing process or they left pizza out on the warmers too long. 'Cause you see, pizzas are only supposed to be on warmers for 20 minutes. But during slow times especially, we get lazy and forgo making a new batch of pizzas every 15 minutes when you know you're gonna throw all of them away anyways.
-The toppings. They normally come frozen, and like the pie crust, you're supposed to let them thaw out to the cooler temperature. But again, it's a lot easier to just pull stuff from the freezer and skip the intermediary step of thawing your toppings out.
-The pizza sauce. At the University pizza place, we mixed a few sauces together to make the magic happen. I saw more than a few people get lazy and try to just take the tomato paste and not add the other stuff in. Luckily from a production standpoint, the difference between pizza sauce and tomato paste is fairly obvious.

The thing is that about all of these points, skimping on any of them can screw up what would normally be an scrumptious concoction of greasy awesomeness. And when you work in pizza places, at the cost of stereotyping here a bit, managers aren't always the cream of the crop and instill that pride into their workers. And when you're making minimum wage, the drive to always be the best pizza maker you can be isn't always there.
posted by jmd82 at 8:30 AM on April 2, 2011 [10 favorites]

Chicago style "pizza" is neither good nor pizza.

Everyone already knows this, except for those poor, untravelled souls who out of desperation find themselves walking through the doors of the closest Pizzeria/Grill/Whathaveyou Uno. Thankfully, we're down to two locations in Boston, both within walking distance. Hope to see both of them go. And yes, I've been to Chicago and no, that cannot be considered a cultural statement.

Would this amount of interest/outrage be sparked if Panda Express or Sarku Japan deprived us of the privilege of dining at one of their food court locations?
posted by jsavimbi at 8:32 AM on April 2, 2011

When you misread your statement and mistake what you owe the bank as one million when it's actually one billion it's a problem for both you and the bank. :)

I blame my lack of caffeine! Still, I bet if you owe the bank a billion-with-a-B dollars, it's more their problem than yours, what with you being too big to fail and all!
posted by rtha at 8:33 AM on April 2, 2011 [2 favorites]

I was always amused at all the Sbarro joints clustered around Midtown, luring in the poor tourists. I looked on them with the sort of pity one might reserve for the unfortunate soul who throws away a winning lottery ticket.

Not all tourists are Michael Scott despite what New Yorkers tell themselves as they fall asleep in their $3000 a month studios.
posted by the christopher hundreds at 8:50 AM on April 2, 2011 [8 favorites]

Not all tourists are Michael Scott despite what New Yorkers tell themselves as they fall asleep in their $3000 a month studios.

Not all New Yorkers live in Manhattan & Brooklyn.
posted by jonmc at 8:53 AM on April 2, 2011 [13 favorites]

This will wipe out the private equity guys, allow them to get out of some shitty leases in bad malls and they will be back selling bad pizza, cold pasta and limp salad to the tourist mooks in no time.

As a native NYer who loves pizza and who lived in Chicago, I can say that a deep dish stuffed spinach pizza on a cold Sunday afternoon while drinking beers and smoking and watching Da Bears is as close to heaven as you can get west of Lake Erie.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 8:56 AM on April 2, 2011 [7 favorites]

Working retail ~3-4 years ago I made it a point to walk to the other end of the mall and have Sbarro's supreme pizza along with their Greek Salad and a Mountain Dew. I was only working weekends so having it was sort of the treat of the week, and it was also the cheapest diverse meal in the mall. Made real good friends with the staff there and even attempted to date one of the staff there at the recommendation of the manager (female) who was frankly real awesome.

So it was real sad when the store closed about 2 years ago, and had to resort to Chipotle which was a bit more expensive (but also a bit more healthy too). Met up with them as they closed up shop, and then would end up running into the manager when I took the once in a while trip to another mall in the area.

Do I know better pizza than Sbarro's? Of course. Do I know worse pizza than Sbarro's? Absolutely. It was good stuff. Their breadsticks were essentially grease bombs, and their salads were pretty much salads with crutons, and that's all, but decent.

The people I friended though, that was the kicker.

.
posted by JoeXIII007 at 8:59 AM on April 2, 2011 [7 favorites]

Metafilter: flagged as go fuck your mother.
posted by d1rge at 9:00 AM on April 2, 2011 [6 favorites]

I'm trying to figure out a delicate way to break this news to the kids.
posted by mazola at 9:00 AM on April 2, 2011 [5 favorites]

I don't understand how anyone goes broke selling pizza and pasta. What is cheaper to make and has a higher profit margin than pizza and pasta?
posted by BitterOldPunk at 9:03 AM on April 2, 2011 [6 favorites]

Coffee?
posted by dabitch at 9:05 AM on April 2, 2011 [7 favorites]

New York pizza is awesome. Chicago style pizza is awesome. Wood burning oven pizza is awesome. They are three completely different foods, all equally awesome. Even New Haven style pizza is awesome (Sbarro is bad pizza. The only time I looked forward to a Sbarro slice was at the airport coming back from Australia, where they have this sauce topped biscuit thing masquerading as pizza).
It's like saying you love sandwiches, but the only one that you count as being a real sandwich is ham and swiss on whole wheat.
posted by newpotato at 9:06 AM on April 2, 2011 [24 favorites]

It's not uncommon for largish companies with these kinds of credit lines and debt to purposely declare bankruptcy in an effort to force creditors to renegotiate terms: "Okay Citibank, I know we owe you $500 million, but unless you're willing to work with us on that debt, we're going to just default on it."

Of course Citi could turn around and threaten to take the company over, by enforcing its security over the company's shares or assets. So I think you're more likely to see borrowers and lenders working together (as in this case, where they've agreed a pre-arranged debt-for-equity swap). And lenders are generally pragmatic about this - they know its tough out there and that there's no real benefit for them in forcing companies into insolvency.
posted by Infinite Jest at 9:06 AM on April 2, 2011

I am trying to imagine what it's like to owe that much. It's like losing $1,000,000 a day for an entire year. That seems almost impossible unless their customers were just taking the food and not paying for it. I'm in (a kind of) awe.
posted by tommasz at 9:07 AM on April 2, 2011 [1 favorite]

I won't lie, I'm kind of sad Sbarro is closing. When I was little the only Sbarro places I ever saw were on the east coast when we'd go to visit family. I was a really picky eater (still am, but I'm much better now), and Sbarro was generally the only place at airports and malls that had something I'd eat. And, to a 6 year-old, their slices of pizza were the most massive things I'd ever seen. It was like three slices of normal Book-It pizza I'd get at home. I thought I was pulling a fast one on my mom every time she let me get a piece of Sbarro pizza. Add to that was the influence of my cool older cousin, who drew comics and read real books and slept in a water bed and ate Sbarro pizza and I was over the moon.

So I'm going to miss Sbarro, because every time I ate it I simultaneously felt like I was getting away with something I shouldn't be and my cool older cousin. The quality of the food wasn't even an issue.
posted by lilac girl at 9:07 AM on April 2, 2011 [11 favorites]

How does the logic work

Other here have hinted at it, but welcome to the fractional banking scam.

It's empty pizza boxes all the way down...
posted by dbiedny at 9:10 AM on April 2, 2011 [4 favorites]

Had a friend who worked at wwhat was, at the time, the 3rd largest greeting card company in the world. Their AR for one client (the second largest grocery store in the country) was 12 months and 7 figures.

They eventually got bought out by American Greetings.
posted by Mick at 9:11 AM on April 2, 2011

True story. I am so old... that not only do I remember when there was no Sbarro in Times Square, my teenage self actually predicted the Slow-Death-by-Disneyfication of that seedy, just-wait-til-I'm-growup triangle of earthly delights from my childhood based on the seemingly innocent erection of said "pizza" joint. And once, I threw up all over the floor there, but I actually wasn't drunk, I had the 'flu.
posted by OneMonkeysUncle at 9:11 AM on April 2, 2011 [2 favorites]

Oh and, OP, the title of this post page, gold.
posted by dbiedny at 9:12 AM on April 2, 2011 [3 favorites]

Chicago style "pizza" is neither good nor pizza.

You know, a year ago I would have agreed with you on this one. I'm a native New Yorker, and am hardwired to dislike Chicago deep-dish pie. Then, when on a trip there, my friend Will brought me to Giordano's in Rosemont, where I had a spinach pizza. It was very, VERY good. You just shouldn't think of it as being in the same culinary category as a New York foldable slice - other than the ingredients, it's just not. But it's good eats just the same.
posted by deadmessenger at 9:14 AM on April 2, 2011 [3 favorites]

And I am forced to type these words: reading this thread, I am reminded of why I LOVE MeFi. Best reading on the web, for my $5.
posted by dbiedny at 9:18 AM on April 2, 2011 [2 favorites]

invitapriore : I was always amused at all the Sbarro joints clustered around Midtown, luring in the poor tourists. I looked on them with the sort of pity one might reserve for the unfortunate soul who throws away a winning lottery ticket.

I thought that way too, seeing the huge lines at Red Lobster & Olive Garden in Times Square during the summers. The truth is, as there are plenty of places to have a great meal in NYC, there are also a ton of places to have a shitty meal. Paying top dollar for the privilege of that crappy meal, might I add. For the tourist from Sheboygan, its easer to go with the devil you know than take a chance elsewhere.
posted by dr_dank at 9:24 AM on April 2, 2011 [1 favorite]

My bowels are doing the Happy Dance right now.

A little victory jig, if you will.
posted by jason's_planet at 9:24 AM on April 2, 2011 [2 favorites]

I don't understand how anyone goes broke selling pizza and pasta. What is cheaper to make and has a higher profit margin than pizza and pasta?

Food waste can be a good cause. You know how when you go up to a Sbarro/X Pizza Express and there's pizzas just laying out there? There's a life expectancy that depends on your setup. When I worked at the Pizza Hut Express selling those miniature personal pan pizzas, I'd estimate we sold between 60-100 pizzas during lunch rush, and about half that during the dinner hours. Now, between 10-11:30 and 1pm-5pm, our sales were few and far between. Consider that we needed to have 6-10 pizzas out at any given time with a life expectancy of 20-30 minutes. That meant that during those off hours, we could throw away almost as many as we sold during rush hour.

Now granted this is a relatively uncommon example if the food industry world, but food waste costs is usually a fairly decent line item regardless of your food establishment. And be much greater depending on your setup:

Another example is a different dining hall at my Alma Mater where all the food was out in those hot trays. Again, there was life expectancy to that food- maybe an hour? I don't recall for sure anymore. During the afternoon, the dining hall was dead and we got very little business. This caused the food trays to go unused which meant that hour would quickly pass and most the trays were still full. Untouched in some cases. Already having a reputation as the worst dining hall on campus, that reputation was not hard to maintain as we'd leave the trays out just a littttttle bit longer to decrease our wasted food cost just a little. Plus, you feel bad throwing away full tray after food tray. However, leaving the food out longer than we were supposed to caused the food to look & taste even worse, meaning less people wanted to east it than normal.

Compare that with the dining hall I usually worked out where the majority of food was not served in hot trays, but rather made to order and consequently much less food waste.
posted by jmd82 at 9:33 AM on April 2, 2011 [2 favorites]

You can always wait 30 minutes for a table at the TGI Friday's in Times Square.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 9:34 AM on April 2, 2011 [1 favorite]

Two things come to mind here...

1) Beware of being the roller, when there's nothing left to roll... - Shel Silverstein

The mall is dead, long live the mall

2) If one had ever eaten at a Sbarro, this is not a surprising development. Rule of thumb before you loan anyone $365M... try the product first.

Sbarro vs. proper NYC pizza
posted by nickrussell at 9:39 AM on April 2, 2011 [2 favorites]

good riddance to bad rubbish.
posted by sexyrobot at 9:40 AM on April 2, 2011 [1 favorite]

I'm going to weigh in on this one.

Sbarro is actually good pizza.

It's under appreciated, but they do a pretty good pseudo-neopolitan pizza that is rather difficult to find in the USA. The crust is thin and chewy instead of flaky like a cracker. The sauce is not over seasoned, and has a sweetness, probably because they use canned tomatoes. They use basil. The cheese is dry mozzarella, but it's fine.

The other big pizza chains are not capable of making a pizza like that.

I'm pretty rabid about neapolitan (real) pizza. I got hooked a couple years ago, and last Summer I traveled to Naples purely to eat a shit load of their extraordinary pizza. And tonight I'm going to travel 45 minutes out of my way to get to an overpriced "neapolitan" pizza restaurant that does an okay job. So this makes me a bit sad.
posted by colinshark at 9:43 AM on April 2, 2011 [3 favorites]

Sbarro is actually good pizza.

The gaskets have blown.
posted by jsavimbi at 9:46 AM on April 2, 2011 [3 favorites]

Not all New Yorkers live in Manhattan & Brooklyn.
yes, technically they ALL live in Manhattan...but I'm a zip code snob.

and your mother should also be aware that Pizzeria UNO:Chicago-style Pizza::Sbarro's:food in general...Giardano's is the BOMB...you will need to take a nap afterwards, but still...the bomb.
posted by sexyrobot at 9:48 AM on April 2, 2011 [2 favorites]

I don't understand how anyone goes broke selling pizza and pasta. What is cheaper to make and has a higher profit margin than pizza and pasta?

Grand Master of American finance, Donald Trump, apparently has a series of casinos in the process of heading into/being in bankruptcy. In monetary LaLa Land, anything is possible, apparently.
posted by dbiedny at 9:49 AM on April 2, 2011 [7 favorites]

I'll admit it. I've eaten at Sbarro's and actually enjoyed it.

Of course, I only eat their breadsticks. I know they're crappy, but they're tasty. I never get their marinara sauce for dipping, though. The best analogy I can come up with for their marinara sauce is watery tomato juice. I've never seen any sort of tomato-based sauce in anything resembling an Italian eating establishment that was that watery in consistency.

I've had their pizza once before, I think, followed by an almost immediate sprint for the nearest restroom. As Hank Hill memorably said of ballpark nachos, "You don't buy 'em, you only rent' em." Not quite as bad as the worst pizza I ever ate (in Stephenville, NL), but worse than Pizza Hut's "well, their pizza was good a quarter-century ago" pizza.
posted by jhandey at 9:51 AM on April 2, 2011

worst.pizza.ever.
posted by clavdivs at 10:00 AM on April 2, 2011

worst.pizza.ever.

Really? Have you tried Dominos or Papa Johns or Little Caesars? That stuff is offensive. An insult to all of mankind.
posted by puny human at 10:08 AM on April 2, 2011 [4 favorites]

The pizza situation in Calgary is so bad that I actually liked getting Sbarro once in a while. It's the best food court pizza here by far. It's thin, soft, foldable, and I can taste some quality ingredients. The sauce is sweet and doesn't taste like bitter herbs. The slices at the other food court places taste like a McCain frozen pizza made in your home oven.

I hope another American chain replaces it because god knows we're almost incapable of making good pizza ourselves.
posted by Pruitt-Igoe at 10:11 AM on April 2, 2011

I've only eaten Sbarro a couple times, when I was hoping to fall asleep on the plane.
posted by box at 10:13 AM on April 2, 2011

Giordano's filed for bankruptcy in February, so it doesn't seem to be a good time for pizza chains, regardless of quality.
posted by Cold Lurkey at 10:20 AM on April 2, 2011 [1 favorite]

If you must eat chain pizza in NYC because, I don't know you just teleported into existence and the bang from all the displaced air has disoriented you - try for a Famous Famiglia as the apex of the fast, foldable, buck fiddy city slice.
posted by The Whelk at 10:24 AM on April 2, 2011 [3 favorites]

And speaking of food court meals that have surprised me, on a trip to Peru last month (a trip sadly cut short after I contracted a wicked case of Dengue fever) I had a cappuccino at the Starbucks in the Lima airport and not only was it better than any Starbucks I have had in the states, it was quite simply one of the best cappuccinos I have had anywhere, ever. Like I ripped the paper cup in half so I could lick the foam off the bottom good.

I tried the same order at some local starbucks when I got home and nope, just the same flat, stale, listless gloop as it always is.
posted by puny human at 10:27 AM on April 2, 2011

The founder of Domino's was Dominic DiVarti. The original Domino's was in Ypselanti, MI. The original store expanded into a small regional chain. I think Purina purchased it from Dominic and they took it national. It's changed hands several times since then.

I worked for Dominic for a while during the late 70's in Ann Arbor, MI. If you are familiar with the area just south of the law school at the UofM, Dominic's restaurant and pizzaria is across from the law library. His cousin Sylvio and I did the stonework and slate floors around the restaurant complex and the tile work in the upstairs kitchen.

I left before the semicircular fountain in the back courtyard was completed, but I split all the rocks it is made of and dug the foundation by hand. Somewhere in the back yard is a metal sculpture made by Commander Cody when he was an art student at UofM.
posted by warbaby at 10:35 AM on April 2, 2011 [19 favorites]

Dominic's restaurant

Dominic's is a restaurant? All this time I just thought it was a place to recycle old mason jars.


Looking forward to doing some recycling as soon as it gets warm
posted by kiltedtaco at 10:40 AM on April 2, 2011 [2 favorites]

Yeah, the restaurant is/was upstairs. I was there in 1977-1980, so this is oral history from a long time ago. I tell the tale as it was told to me.

I've never been back, but I have seen the fountain is still there on Google aerial photos. I understand Dominic died a while ago and I think his son Dave took it over.

If you are familiar with the site, there's two houses joined by a balcony and shared roof. We tore the roof off both houses and joined them together. The original ground floor of the west house was the pizzeria. We excavated and joined the two basements to enlarge the indoor pizza seating. A lot of engineering went into keeping that place standing during construction.
posted by warbaby at 10:53 AM on April 2, 2011 [5 favorites]

D'ough!
posted by 29 at 10:56 AM on April 2, 2011 [3 favorites]

I read this thread without logging in, and when I got to the bottom I saw an ad for Papa Johns. Fitting.
posted by thebigdeadwaltz at 11:11 AM on April 2, 2011

Giordano's filed for bankruptcy in February

NOOOOOOOO. Don't go, Giordano's!

*dreams of stuffed spinach pizza*
posted by thomas j wise at 11:11 AM on April 2, 2011 [1 favorite]

You know, a year ago I would have agreed with you on this one. I'm a native New Yorker, and am hardwired to dislike Chicago deep-dish pie. Then, when on a trip there, my friend Will brought me to Giordano's in Rosemont, where I had a spinach pizza. It was very, VERY good.

Likewise, for me New York pizza was the gold standard, but on Dec 27 when I couldn't fly from Ohio to NYC and had to go back to London via Chicago, I was taken to dinner by MeFite youngergirl44 - to Giordano's, and the pie was to die for.

I ate Sbarro 'pizza' once. That was enough.
posted by essexjan at 11:16 AM on April 2, 2011 [1 favorite]

Yes, not good food but a fast and cheap option for those times I'm stuck in a food court with a $10 bill to stretch to the end of the day.
posted by KirkJobSluder at 11:18 AM on April 2, 2011

Is this where I can be irrational about cheese bread?
posted by Burhanistan at 11:20 AM on April 2, 2011 [1 favorite]

the bread.

it is crazy.
posted by The Whelk at 11:22 AM on April 2, 2011 [3 favorites]

There was a Sbarro's in Canal Place across from the movie theater. I used to go to the movie theater all the time. I remember there was almost never anybody eating at the Sbarro's. It did not smell appetizing and I was never tempted.
posted by bukvich at 11:23 AM on April 2, 2011

I've only eaten there once. I would have ranked it as worse than Olive Garden and better than Dominos. Mediocre, but priced accordingly, so hard to dislike.
posted by Forktine at 11:29 AM on April 2, 2011

Yea, I find that Sbarro's was overpriced for a slice of pizza and the pizza itself wasn't all that great.

Although I do feel some nostalgia with some locations, I'd be okay if it had to shut down.
posted by kayalovesme at 11:38 AM on April 2, 2011

briank wrote: "This is SOP for so many big companies that the vendors probably didn't even blink. I worked for a certain international business machine company years ago that let every bill age 90 days before they would even look at them."

Hell, I know of very small companies that do the same thing. Needless to say, I don't do business with them any more. There are too many people who will pay their bills on time to bother with those who don't, at least at my (very) small scale. ;)

tommasz wrote: "I am trying to imagine what it's like to owe that much. It's like losing $1,000,000 a day for an entire year. That seems almost impossible unless their customers were just taking the food and not paying for it. I'm in (a kind of) awe."

It's not that hard when you have hundreds of stores that consistently lose money because either the store managers don't give a shit or can't get the necessary support from on high to lose even more money for a while in the effort to make things better. Basically, once you have a culture of shittiness established in a store, it can't be turned around without spending a lot of money, and if nobody authorizes the expenditure of that money, you will instead continuously lose money on a given location until you close it, and if you can't or won't close it, you end up losing a lot of money.
posted by wierdo at 11:58 AM on April 2, 2011 [1 favorite]

jmd82: Just a quick note. The term is proofing. Used to work as an overnight baker at a Red Apple supermarket in NYC. You don't proof the bread dough, you get a rock. It's the same for pizza dough.
posted by Splunge at 12:00 PM on April 2, 2011 [4 favorites]

I managed a Sbarro's for several years back in the early 90's,...

I totally expected to see paulsc's name at the end of this post.
posted by essexjan at 12:05 PM on April 2, 2011 [4 favorites]

You just shouldn't think of it as being in the same culinary category as a New York foldable slice - other than the ingredients

That's what I said: It's not pizza. It's more like...an open-faced spaghetti sandwich.
posted by DU at 12:10 PM on April 2, 2011 [1 favorite]

Toilets of the world, rejoice!
posted by evidenceofabsence at 12:36 PM on April 2, 2011 [1 favorite]

There is a Sbarro in the mall food court in my hometown. A friend of mine worked there when we were in high school, so unfortunately I've eaten it.

Notably, my brother and I were just talking last week about how there was still a Sbarro in that very mall. That Sbarro, we noted, was the only food court location that hadn't changed multiple times over the years. The other was the Great Steak and Potato. Which came into the food court while I was in high school. At first their sign wasn't complete, the sign man needed a Hot Sam pretzel I guess (autonomous unit for mid-mall snacking - not part of the food court). For several days the sign read: The Great Steak and Pot. We thought that was pretty hilarious.
posted by IvoShandor at 1:02 PM on April 2, 2011 [1 favorite]

jmd82: Just a quick note. The term is proofing. Used to work as an overnight baker at a Red Apple supermarket in NYC. You don't proof the bread dough, you get a rock. It's the same for pizza dough.

I had always thought it was 'poofing' because the dough, well, poofs up from being a rock and assumed that's where the name came from. Guess I subconsciously ignored the 'r' all this time!
posted by jmd82 at 1:18 PM on April 2, 2011

Man I hate their pizza, but then they are no worse than any other mega pizza chain.
posted by caddis at 1:26 PM on April 2, 2011

I've eaten at Sbarro. Was pretty good, actually. Is it some sort of status thing to bash certain foods, because of who makes them or who eats them?

Anyway, the challenge for large organizations is making quality scale. Hate to go all "means of production" but a manager on the ground, who's also an owner, is much more likely to be paranoid about losing money (and not making it up in volume) than some random manager. Thus the success of the franchise model.
posted by effugas at 1:28 PM on April 2, 2011 [3 favorites]

I knew it was "proofing" but I have to say, I like "poofing" better :)

Time to poof the dough!
posted by puny human at 1:30 PM on April 2, 2011

When I was 7 or 8 or so I used to like eating at Sbarro in the Danbury Fair Mall, not so much for their food but because the 2 walls on either side of the place were covered in huge mirrors and I used to get a kick out of seeing an infinite number of smaller and smaller reflections of reflections of myself if I looked to either side. I was kinda disappointed when I visited the mall again a few months ago and found they remodeled their food court, including turning Sbarro's seating area into another store.

Anyway, it's nice to know that being almost half a billion dollars in debt isn't stopping them from opening a new location in the Staten Island Mall.
posted by Venadium at 1:33 PM on April 2, 2011

It's a recession. Practically everyone associated with retail is either closing locations or declaring bankruptcy if they can't reorganize around fewer feet and fewer dollars.
posted by KirkJobSluder at 1:53 PM on April 2, 2011

Really? Have you tried Dominos or Papa Johns or Little Caesars? That stuff is offensive. An insult to all of mankind.
posted by puny human

Yeah, I live in Michigan were most of those chains are based. Still, worst pile of cheese mess I have seen.
Cottage Inn is Ok
posted by clavdivs at 1:55 PM on April 2, 2011

Offensive? An insult to all mankind?

Really?
posted by effugas at 1:58 PM on April 2, 2011

Papa John's and (the new) Domino's honestly ain't that bad. Not as good as you'll get at a decent Italian place, but not inedible.

And for everyone who turns their nose up in disgust at Sbarro's and the like, you have not tasted disgusting pizza until you've eaten at CiCi's Pizza Buffet. All you can eat pizza, pasta, salad, and dessert for $5.

When I was in high school, my friends and I used to go to CiCi's all the time because, well, it was cheap, we could eat a ton of food and drink gallons of soda, and we were teenagers. We would even have contests to see who could eat the most. For a while I held the record at 26 slices of pizza. A friend of mine eventually beat me with 31 slices (although I still think it doesn't count because he didn't eat the crusts).

Many years later, I decided to go to a CiCi's for old-time's sake. It was like eating evil death, like all the grotesqueries of a Hieronymous Bosch painting shoved down your throat. The food was so gross and made me so sick, I think that when I was on the toilet later, I shit out my soul.

That's bad pizza.
posted by Saxon Kane at 2:03 PM on April 2, 2011 [39 favorites]

Even New Haven style pizza is awesome

Even? EVEN?

Lay with your uncouth mother as if the two of you were from Chicago.

New Haven is the best.
posted by zippy at 2:05 PM on April 2, 2011 [8 favorites]

I wonder if E is gonna be all mad...I mean he did get his start there before he became Vinnie Chase's friend-ager.
posted by hal_c_on at 2:05 PM on April 2, 2011 [1 favorite]

Zippy, maybe "even" is short for "but most especially."
posted by jtron at 2:06 PM on April 2, 2011

Saxon, I've long considered CiCi's to be the best 5$ cleanse that ever was. It's certainly not something you undertake for the reason of being hungry.
posted by mcrandello at 2:11 PM on April 2, 2011 [1 favorite]

For a while I held the record at 26 slices of pizza.

My friends and I had a similar thing going at Papa Gino's (New England chain of pizzarias) when I was in high school. They had AYCE pizza on Tuesdays and AYCE pasta on Wednesdays. I held the record for pizza for a long time with 13 slices (but that's 13/6 pizzas - and those pizzas were a yard across. Glurk.) because my firend and my brother and I stopped, me at 7 slices (that's a large pie plus a slice), my brother at 6, my friend at 5. Then my friend said, "Well, I don't want to be LAST" and ordered up a slice. My brother said, "Well, I don't want to be tied for last" and ordered up a slice. So I said, "I want to be first" and ordered up a slice. And so forth for another six slices. Glurk. I don't remember my pasta record but I sure don't ever crave ziti with beef ragu.

But Papa Gino's is (or was) at least reasonably good, particularly next to Cici's or Sbarros. Again: glurk.
posted by dirtdirt at 2:15 PM on April 2, 2011

Not paying your vendors, I learned in my accounting class, is called 'leaning on the trade'--powerpoint file download- relevant bit on page 12.

Ever since I learned that such a thing is commonly accepted corporate practice, I've upgraded my broke-ness vocabulary. No, friends and neighbors, I'm not delinquent on my power bill - I'm merely deferring payment to a vendor to maximize my accounts payable strategy.

I worked at a Sbarro's in high school. One day, a man left a copy of The Master and Margarita on a table. In that way I can credit Sbarro's with my interest in Russian literature. So it had that going for it.
posted by winna at 2:20 PM on April 2, 2011 [24 favorites]

Papa Gino's calzones were not half bad as I recall.
posted by jonmc at 2:22 PM on April 2, 2011

The first and last time I ate Sbarro's pizza was at the stand they had in Grand Central Station back in the 70s. It gave me the worst indigestion/trots that I ever had up until that point. After I was healthy again I couldn't bring myself to ever try it again. With food poisoning it's one strike and I'm out.
posted by Splunge at 2:24 PM on April 2, 2011

Everyone already knows this, except for those poor, untravelled souls who out of desperation find themselves walking through the doors of the closest Pizzeria/Grill/Whathaveyou Uno. Thankfully, we're down to two locations in Boston, both within walking distance.

As regards to Chicago-style pizza -- and, specifically Pizzeria Uno -- the company also filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy this past January.

FWIW -- While Uno's launched in 1943 at the corner of Ohio Street and Wabash Avenue in Chicago, the Uno Restaurant Holdings Corporation has always been a Boston-based company. "Ironically, the restaurant chain does not have a major presence in the Chicago Metropolitan Area, with only three locations in the region excluding the original Uno, Due, and Su Casa restaurants in River North." *
posted by ericb at 2:33 PM on April 2, 2011 [1 favorite]

New Haven is the best.

It really is. Really.

Sally's Apizza and Frank Pepe's! Fantastic pizza!
posted by ericb at 2:38 PM on April 2, 2011 [4 favorites]

Oh, must not forget Modern Apizza in New Haven.

The BEST PIZZA in the U.S.A. is in New Haven, CT!
posted by ericb at 2:40 PM on April 2, 2011 [6 favorites]

I have only ever been to a sbarro once; I was at an airport in philadelphia, and desperately hungry. I got some kind of broccoli- and artichoke-stuffed thing that was completely unlike pizza; grease dripped off of it and it had the texture of old sponge. It was the worst thing I have ever finished out of hunger. I am glad sbarro does not seem to exist in my part of Canada. May they crumble in ruin.
posted by tehloki at 2:58 PM on April 2, 2011 [1 favorite]

Huh, I didn't even know this place was an independent restaurant. All the ones here in Minnesota are in the form of a dark, usually unstaffed counter to the left of the main counter at Arby's.
posted by brightghost at 2:58 PM on April 2, 2011 [1 favorite]

In business news, the proposed merger of the New York Stock Exchange, the Gupta / Goldman story, or Cocoa prices and the Ivory Coast seem much more interesting?
posted by lslelel at 3:01 PM on April 2, 2011 [1 favorite]

By all means, lslelel, please put together a FPP about any of those topics. They do sound fascinating!
posted by hippybear at 3:04 PM on April 2, 2011 [4 favorites]

The Sbarros at the malls where I grew up always felt like hell: Crowded, hot, no air, and red. The whole place was bathed in eerie red light. I couldn't understand why anyone would even go in there.
posted by amethysts at 3:12 PM on April 2, 2011 [2 favorites]

Yeah dude, keep it on topic. What is this willy-nilly chat hour.

mmmm Pizza.
posted by stratastar at 3:24 PM on April 2, 2011

Who is getting food poisoning from pizza? It's cheese and bread, and maybe preserved meats, baked at high temperature. That stuff takes forever to go bad.
I guess you could get sick from e coli salad... Or maybe the person at the counter pooped on their hands and didn't wash.
posted by Pruitt-Igoe at 4:29 PM on April 2, 2011

Am I the only one who is surprised at the general assumption that "New York" pizza is supposed to be foldable and have soft crust?

Yeah, the crust isn't supposed to *snap* if you fold it, but soft/soggy crust is generally the hallmark of bad New York pizza. Crispy on the outside, doughy on the inside (but not too thick).

(And, seriously, if there's one thing that could ever get me to move back to the NY metro reason, it's the pizza. I wish I was making that up.)
posted by schmod at 4:39 PM on April 2, 2011

*NY Metro region
posted by schmod at 4:39 PM on April 2, 2011

Not all tourists are Michael Scott despite what New Yorkers tell themselves as they fall asleep in their $3000 a month studios.

But of course. Not all tourists who visit New York will eat at Sbarros, but all* those eating at Sbarros can be safely pegged as tourists.

The truth is, as there are plenty of places to have a great meal in NYC, there are also a ton of places to have a shitty meal. Paying top dollar for the privilege of that crappy meal, might I add. For the tourist from Sheboygan, its easer to go with the devil you know than take a chance elsewhere.

This is true in every regard except as it applies to pizza. The dirtiest, ugliest corner joint selling pizza in New York will offer you an experience magnitudes better than Sbarros. I can't fault tourists for not being aware of that, but it's the case nonetheless.

* plus or minus a percentage that is indistinguishable from zero, and neglecting those suffering from extenuating circumstances.
posted by invitapriore at 4:56 PM on April 2, 2011 [3 favorites]

This makes me sad, I loved Sbarros, it was my favorite mall food, and I would have sought it out elsewhere, except the only one close to me is in the mall. Their stuffed pizza was greasy and delicious. The thing that stopped me from eating it on the regular was not being 19 anymore and unable to justify consuming what's probably a 50,000 calorie meal, but I limit my barbecue pork intake for the same reason. It was also salvation at airports and rest stops, where it was the difference between a shipment of pizza, or paying $9 for a Whopper that's been under the heat lamp since yesterday. We took my mom there for her birthday one year.

Oh, I mean OH YEAH?? WELL I HATE COMMERCIAL PEDESTRIAN PRODUCTS WORSE THAN YOU CAN EVER IMAGINE AND ONE TIME I HAD SBARROS AND IT GAVE ME AIDS SO THERE

The dirtiest, ugliest corner joint selling pizza in New York will offer you an experience magnitudes better than Sbarros. I can't fault tourists for not being aware of that, but it's the case nonetheless.

I don't live there, but I have tons of family there (we're Italian, NY is like Mecca for us: we all end up there one way or another) and I can say most assuredly that this is bullshit.
posted by Uther Bentrazor at 5:06 PM on April 2, 2011 [3 favorites]

This makes me sad, I loved Sbarros, it was my favorite mall food,

Orange Julius, dude, Orange Julius...
posted by jonmc at 5:08 PM on April 2, 2011 [9 favorites]

Oh, Orange Julius, how I have missed thee...
posted by jhandey at 5:28 PM on April 2, 2011 [2 favorites]

If you must eat chain pizza in NYC because, I don't know you just teleported into existence and the bang from all the displaced air has disoriented you - try for a Famous Famiglia as the apex of the fast, foldable, buck fiddy city slice.

Agreed. And what is the deal with all those $1 a slice places that are popping up all over? I understand, drunk NYU students and all, but it seems like every time I'm cabbing down an avenue...BANG! there's another one.
I did try one out, over on 6th Ave. It was exactly as bad as I expected it to be and the majority of the slice ended up in the bin.


Even New Haven style pizza is awesome

Even? EVEN?

Lay with your uncouth mother as if the two of you were from Chicago.

I meant "even" in the it's a slightly smaller less well known category of pizza sense, not that it's lesser by any means (I reserve my distaste for pizza antipodean only). On the contrary, I grew up on Western NY pizza (Pontillo's shout out yeah!) which is very similar to New Haven style, and when it's that type of pie you want, nothing else will do.
posted by newpotato at 5:30 PM on April 2, 2011 [2 favorites]

A decade or so ago, I was in a brand-new shopping mall called The Source in Long Island, NY. It was opening day and the mall was quite empty; many of the retail stores had yet to offically open.

The food court did *not* have a Sbarro, but instead featured a slightly more upscale-looking pizzeria called Umberto's of New Hyde Park.

I thought: Wait! New Hyde Park is in Long Island! A local pizzeria opening in a mall food court?!? Awesome!!

I couldn't wait to try a slice. But as I neared the restaurant, I realized there was something eerily familiar about Umberto's. The slices were too thick and too oily, and had an odd orange glow. This looked like Sbarro pizza.

There was only one guy working there, a chubby, 40ish olive-skinned guy. He wore a bright chef's uniform. He seemed excited to have a customer.

I asked: "Does this pizza taste anything like Sbarro?"

He said: "It's exactly the same thing! Same recipe!" He seemed to be beaming with pride.

"That's too bad," I said, and headed over to Manchu Wok.
posted by jeremy b at 5:32 PM on April 2, 2011 [3 favorites]

Sbarro is good bad pizza. Dominos is also good bad pizza. Pizza Hut is bad bad pizza.

I've always contended that Pizza Hut is delicious pizza-like substance (there's something about the quality of the flavors on a nice deep dish super supreme slice from pizza hut that makes me suspect that the magic ingredient is MSG). Aint pizza, but still, om nom nom.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 5:34 PM on April 2, 2011

I can't believe there's like 900 comments in this thread and no one is talking about the fact that, by 2011 standards, one of the Fat Boys isn't even fat anymore. And one of the other ones is borderline.
posted by Diablevert at 5:38 PM on April 2, 2011 [8 favorites]

Pizza Hut is not Pizza but rather a fried dough-like substances I can eat if I find myself 1) In penn station and 2) Crying.
posted by The Whelk at 5:38 PM on April 2, 2011 [10 favorites]

Metafilter: Your favorite band pizza style sucks
posted by Kid Charlemagne at 5:43 PM on April 2, 2011 [6 favorites]

Okay, sorry for the derail, but the Orange Julius reminded me of some orange sherbet shop they had in malls when I was a kid...the "O-Joy" I believe it was called? Whatever happened to those?
posted by Dr. Zira at 5:43 PM on April 2, 2011

Pruitt-Igoe: "Who is getting food poisoning from pizza? It's cheese and bread, and maybe preserved meats, baked at high temperature. That stuff takes forever to go bad.
I guess you could get sick from e coli salad... Or maybe the person at the counter pooped on their hands and didn't wash."

Are you serious? Do you think that pizza is somehow exempt from bacterial growth?

That stuff takes forever to go bad.

No. Not really. And add to that the possibility of exactly what you mentioned at the end of your comment, it's not so surprising now, is it?
posted by Splunge at 5:44 PM on April 2, 2011 [1 favorite]

Mall food, man I think those 1-dollar Wendy's chicken chunks sustained me during the marathon reading-but-never-buying sprees at Woolstones'
posted by The Whelk at 5:46 PM on April 2, 2011

Pizza is like sex...

...it's always better the next morning, cold and greasy in a cardboard box.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 5:50 PM on April 2, 2011 [7 favorites]

Pizza is like sex...
...wood smoke really ads something.
posted by The Whelk at 5:54 PM on April 2, 2011 [1 favorite]

Pizza is like sex...

...bought for cheap at the mall?
posted by mazola at 5:54 PM on April 2, 2011 [1 favorite]

I would watch ads that had smoky sex in them.
posted by Purposeful Grimace at 5:55 PM on April 2, 2011

Pizza is like sex...
..you should crack when you fold it.
posted by The Whelk at 5:55 PM on April 2, 2011

Pizza is like sex...
...you can get it to your door in 30 minutes or less.
posted by The Whelk at 5:56 PM on April 2, 2011

Pizza is like sex...
....sometimes it can make you sick.
posted by The Whelk at 5:57 PM on April 2, 2011

Pizza is like sex...
...when it's fresh, it burns your mouth.
posted by Splunge at 5:57 PM on April 2, 2011

Pizza is like sex...
...it should be warmed if it has been in the freezer.
posted by Splunge at 5:58 PM on April 2, 2011 [2 favorites]

Pizza is like sex...
... it's best when it's saucy.
posted by ob at 5:59 PM on April 2, 2011 [2 favorites]

Pizza is like sex...
...don't look for it at a mall.
posted by Splunge at 6:00 PM on April 2, 2011 [2 favorites]

Pizza is like sex...
...it's better with mushrooms.
posted by The Whelk at 6:00 PM on April 2, 2011 [5 favorites]

Pizza is like sex...
...two for five dollars is a mistake.
posted by Splunge at 6:01 PM on April 2, 2011 [10 favorites]

Pizza is like sex . . .
. . . you can make it at home but most people don't.

Oh, wait its not like sex at all. . .
posted by jeremias at 6:01 PM on April 2, 2011 [1 favorite]

Pizza is like sex...
...toppings matter.
posted by The Whelk at 6:02 PM on April 2, 2011

Pizza is like sex...
... crust...

Ewww. Nevermind.
posted by Splunge at 6:03 PM on April 2, 2011

Pizza is like sex...
... the desire for anchovies will always mark you as an outsider.
posted by ob at 6:04 PM on April 2, 2011 [9 favorites]

Pizza is like sex...
...when you fold the whole thing it's called something different.
posted by ob at 6:05 PM on April 2, 2011

Pizza is like sex...
...I like my coffee hot and black.
posted by Splunge at 6:05 PM on April 2, 2011 [3 favorites]

Pizza is like sex...
... classism from the privileged white people in this thread.
posted by gc at 6:08 PM on April 2, 2011 [5 favorites]

pizza is like sex

a piece of it can go straight to your hips for months and months
posted by pyramid termite at 6:15 PM on April 2, 2011

Pizza is like sex...
...you should share it with your friends.
posted by The Whelk at 6:16 PM on April 2, 2011

I, too, come to bury Sbarro's, not to praise it.

take that shit to people of walmart.

You've just imagined a way to make Sbarro's worse!
posted by octobersurprise at 6:16 PM on April 2, 2011

Pizza is like sex...
...wait, no, it's like a completely other thing. Never mind.
posted by pts at 6:22 PM on April 2, 2011

Pizza is like sex.....
...20 bucks, same as in town.
posted by tristeza at 6:25 PM on April 2, 2011

Pizza is like sex...
... I need to be proofed for 15 minutes before starting
posted by AndrewStephens at 6:25 PM on April 2, 2011

Pizza is like sex...
...I like it better New York style.
posted by Splunge at 6:26 PM on April 2, 2011

Pizza is like sex...
...I haven't had any for two days. But the last time I had it, it was fucking wonderful.
posted by Splunge at 6:30 PM on April 2, 2011 [2 favorites]

Pizza is like sex...

You can't hurry good pizza. [really? no bloodninja until now?]
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 6:33 PM on April 2, 2011

Pizza is like sex...
... it is better when you are in Napoli.
posted by gen at 6:33 PM on April 2, 2011

Pizza is like sex...

...I never associated it with Sbarro!
posted by mazola at 6:34 PM on April 2, 2011

If pizza is like sex then you're definitely doing it wrong.
posted by Burhanistan at 6:58 PM on April 2, 2011

Pizza is like sex...
... it was better when you were 17.
posted by Jerub at 7:05 PM on April 2, 2011 [3 favorites]

"This is true in every regard except as it applies to pizza. The dirtiest, ugliest corner joint selling pizza in New York will offer you an experience magnitudes better than Sbarros. I can't fault tourists for not being aware of that, but it's the case nonetheless."

This statement makes you sound like the tourist because it is complete bullshit. I lived downtown from 88-91 (you know, when NYC was still cool) and I can assure you that most New York City pizza is just as bad as any you would get in Small Town USA. You still had to seek out the good stuff. Now which place was it that had the good slices? Ray's Famous, Famous Rays, or Original Ray's Famous?

And Pizza Hut really was good twenty years ago. Before they were bought out by PepsiCo. They didn't deliver, had a good salad bar and jukebox, and still served anchovies. Now they use such low quality cheese it doesn't even "string" properly. And their meat is such low grade crud that they have to overdose it with salt to give it an approximation of flavor.
posted by puny human at 7:14 PM on April 2, 2011 [4 favorites]

exogenous: "I've heard it said that even bad pizza is good pizza. I believed this. Then I ate at Sbarro"

Heh, me too.

Not Sbarro, I don't know their stuff.

But once, I was at a seedy motel which was far from anywhere and had overpriced goods you could by up front. We decided to buy the pizza. They were nice enough to supply a pizza oven (you know the kind, with the little timer on the side). We popped it in, and minutes later had our piping hot pizza. Brought it to the room.

I don't think I have ever tasted a more flavorless... thing... in my life. People say "it tastes like cardboard" for some things, and maybe the crust texture might have been like cardboard, but the actual flavor in this... CARDBOARD had more flavor. I swear to god. There is no way for you to understand, it's almost like some sort of mystical state of unbelievable TRUTH. You know how in science they say something is "not even wrong". I would have to say that this object was "not even bad".
posted by symbioid at 7:20 PM on April 2, 2011 [4 favorites]

The pizza at Sbarro is inconsistent - I've had really good slices and I've had bad ones. I guess it depends who's cooking it that day.

I do like their lemon chicken and chicken parmesan though. And their pasta salad.

For mall food, it's not too bad.

That said, I have a friend who used to work at the location in Ford City Mall (Chicago). Based on the stories she told me about what went on there, I would never eat at that location - ever.
posted by SisterHavana at 7:28 PM on April 2, 2011

Best pizza I've had in Korea in 15 years is at Sbarro in the COEX food court in Seoul.

Which, judging by the comments here, gives you an idea how truly wretched pizza in Korea is.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 7:45 PM on April 2, 2011 [1 favorite]

Does filing for Chapter 11 have any meaning any more?
posted by Ardiril at 8:22 PM on April 2, 2011

I went to New York about five years ago and bought pizza at a city chain. It was in the category of "pretty good, but not legendary" according to the Yelpsters.

I still think about that pizza.
posted by mecran01 at 8:33 PM on April 2, 2011

Ray's Famous, Famous Rays, or Original Ray's Famous?

Rosario's, you vile cur.
posted by elizardbits at 8:42 PM on April 2, 2011

Pizza is like sex...
... even bad pizza is better than no pizza.

... best hot, but cold? Just as good.

--

Chicago Deep Dish should not be called pizza. Went to Giordano's with a group while in Chicago for a conference last year, got a deep dish, couldn't finish a slice - it's a rotten turd of undercooked dough, sour tomato, and a bomb of cheap cheese with a miserly sprinkle of toppings. Sure, the server was slick and friendly but the food was ... poor. Even the fried appetizer plate wasn't satisfying; fried everything you'd expect, but the oil wasn't fresh nor hot enough so everything came out soggy and a little rank.

Sorry - heard so much good things about that restaurant but it was a rank disappointment. I had exponentially better food memories from hole-in-the-wall hotdog places downtown compared to Giordanos.
posted by porpoise at 8:44 PM on April 2, 2011

Up here in the frozen north, we have the "Pizza Pizza" chain. Which, despite the name, is neither pizza nor pizza. Instead, it's your classic, "which part is the cardboard box, and which part is the pizza?".

Sbarro would be an improvement.
posted by sebastienbailard at 8:48 PM on April 2, 2011

And in Canada, the franchise owner of KFC, Pizza Hut and Taco Bell has also filed for bankruptcy protection for its 400 restaurants.
posted by jeffmik at 8:52 PM on April 2, 2011

Sounds like it's time to update the fast food chain death pool! My money is on Arby's for the next joyous bankruptcy.
posted by qxntpqbbbqxl at 9:29 PM on April 2, 2011 [1 favorite]

You shouldn't judge Chicago-style pizza by Giordano's. Giordano's is inconsistent; even in its best rendition, that too-pale cheese leaves so much to be desired.

Try instead the straight cheese at Lou Malnati's, the spinach at Edwardo's or Bacino's. (Was there ever spinach so correct as that found in the stuffed Chicago pizza? God made that plant for the embrace of cheese, for the bold, acidic counterpoint of tomatoes; with the intent that all would be founded on a substantial, cornmeal-flecked crust.)

Will that not satisfy you? Can you not subscribe to the Chicagoan union of quantity and quality, of good food in good measure enjoyed in good company? We have other pizzas. Try the bakery pizza best exemplified by Pequod's; marvel at the caramelized cheese ringing the seasoned rims of the pans. Or go south, to the blessed streets where pizzeria succeeds pizzeria, and have a thin crust with mushrooms and sausage at Vito and Nick's.

Yes, we have thin crust. It's the best thin crust in the world. Each tavern in each neighborhood and suburb has its own variety, treasured up by fearless cooks through the generations. All of them are cut grid-style, so you can share fairly with any number of friends.

I don't believe the East Coasters understand: Chicago pizza isn't simply a matter of the deep dish. Chicago is a vast pizza ecosystem, a great nexus of cheese/tomato potentiality. We have devoted our cholestorol-shortened lives to pushing the boundaries of the pizzic art in every conceivable direction.

We are not cowards to bend the knee to Naples; we do not slavishly copy the dish some sycophantic baker plated for a king's wife. No buffalo cheese daintily shipped in refrigerator crates for us. No: Middle Western wheat, Wisconsin Mozzarella, tomatoes from the San Joaquin - all in the service of defiantly American, relentlessly modern pies.

Italy showed us the way. Chicago shall show you the future.
posted by Iridic at 9:48 PM on April 2, 2011 [33 favorites]

I just love it when people say pizza tastes like cardboard. Have any of you tasted cardboard? Cardboard comes in many flavors. There is brown corrugated cardboard which has the flavor of the glue used to put the layers together. There is grey cardboard. Then there is grey cardboard with a coating or white paper that they use for pizza cartons. And then that cardboard had ink on it that tells you what is in the box. There is also recycled cardboard that is sort of all flavors and none.

There is cardboard that is used for business cards that is called heavy paper, but let's face it, it's cardboard.

And none of them, seriously, have sauce or cheese flavor.

So let's get our terms right here. While Sbarro's pizza may taste like something. While Domino's or Pizza Hut pizza may very well taste bad....

They have not and never will taste like cardboard.

Terms people, let's define some terms here. If the pizza tastes like shit, that's fine. You have tasted shit. You know the difference.

But leave cardboard alone. Unless you eat it with cheese and sauce. Okay?
posted by Splunge at 10:05 PM on April 2, 2011 [12 favorites]

There was some interview with Sophia Loren back in the day where she said she was all primed and ready to finally visit New York for the first time and in the car ride to her hotel she saw so many pizza shops and thought "Oh maybe American isn't the rich place it pretends to be."
posted by The Whelk at 10:22 PM on April 2, 2011 [3 favorites]

And in Napoli street pizza is eaten at room temperature or even cold and you know what, it doesn't fucking matter.
posted by The Whelk at 10:23 PM on April 2, 2011

The Whelk: "147Pizza Hut is not Pizza but rather a fried dough-like substances I can eat if I find myself 1) In penn station and 2) Crying."

Masochist.

If you're stuck in Penn Station and craving pizza that doesn't taste like the cardboard box it was packaged in, go to Rosa's Pizza and Pasta. They're on the connecting concourse down by LIRR, a few stores past the entrance to K-Mart as you head towards 8th ave (towards the A C and E trains. They make a decent slice. Not incredible. But it's a much better choice than that Pizza Hut Express shit.
posted by zarq at 10:31 PM on April 2, 2011 [1 favorite]

Splunge: " They have not and never will taste like cardboard. "

Heh. When I use the expression, I mean, "it tastes worse than cardboard."
posted by zarq at 10:32 PM on April 2, 2011

crying requires corn syrup.
posted by The Whelk at 10:33 PM on April 2, 2011

No Sbarro's story here. But I'm a little sad to hear about Giordano's filing. Their pizza was a major component of my Chicago experience.
posted by safetyfork at 10:39 PM on April 2, 2011

I suspect that the best pizza to be had will never come from a restaurant that's part of a chain of more than 3-4 restaurants.
posted by ZeusHumms at 11:18 PM on April 2, 2011

Pizza is like sex. If you eat it too soon or too fast it'll burn your mouth.
posted by loquacious at 11:59 PM on April 2, 2011

There is room temperature antipasto and then there is a pizza sitting out under a glass counter in a train station.

The antipasto is kept carefully in a place where persons can take what they wish. If any of it seems to be getting a bit old, mama or the papa takes what is old and feeds it to the pigs. And then they make more. Because the freshness is the thing. Usually it doesn't stay out that long, because people come by and eat it. And the family makes more.

In a place like the train station there is no care for freshness. It's the money that matters. And so you eat what has been under the glass for several hours or more. If you get sick, it's usually hours later. And who knows where you got the sick from?
posted by Splunge at 12:50 AM on April 3, 2011

Pizza is like sex...
... I usually scream a lot after I put my dick in it.
posted by Mikey-San at 1:54 AM on April 3, 2011 [14 favorites]

Pizza is like sex ...
... I like extra sausage.
posted by essexjan at 2:01 AM on April 3, 2011 [3 favorites]

Pizza is not like sex.

But when you pay $25 for a pizza in Korea, you know you're getting fucked.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 2:21 AM on April 3, 2011 [11 favorites]

Pizza is like sex ...
Give me some.
posted by Uther Bentrazor at 3:07 AM on April 3, 2011

Stavros, we have awful pizza in Japan (think corn, mayo or squid as toppings) but we also have sublime pizza (Japanese wins pizza-making contest in Italy). The next time you visit, I'll bring you to my local favorites which are close to sublime (Napoli-stye.) There's even a great NYC-style joint in Tokyo too.
posted by gen at 3:19 AM on April 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

Pizza is like sex...
...covered in oil and filthy.
posted by Pallas Athena at 4:47 AM on April 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

Pizza is like sex...
...I feel guilty when I have it all alone late at night.
posted by Meatbomb at 5:02 AM on April 3, 2011 [5 favorites]

Splunge: " In a place like the train station there is no care for freshness. It's the money that matters. And so you eat what has been under the glass for several hours or more. If you get sick, it's usually hours later. And who knows where you got the sick from?"

In Penn Station, Pizza Hut Express pizzas are all individual-sized and heated to order. They're pre-made, frozen and then heated rapidly for the customer. Yet, the regular pizzeria a few doors down is superior. Their pizza is hand made, but does sit out under glass. Penn is one of the busiest stations in the country, so the turnover tends to be high on non-specialty items, especially during high-volume times like rush hour. Here, the problem isn't that the pies have been sitting out. It's that PHE's ingredients and preparation process are terrible.
posted by zarq at 5:52 AM on April 3, 2011

Pizza is like sex...
...for canned goods it was no big deal, but for spoil-able produce it was a real balancing act.
posted by ryanrs at 6:22 AM on April 3, 2011

Pizza is like sex...
... if I have any left over I give it to the homeless guy on the corner.

No, wait a minute, that's not it..
posted by doctor_negative at 6:36 AM on April 3, 2011 [6 favorites]

SBARRO'S: Life is truly a stopover on I-95, outside of some hapless, rust-belt town.

.
posted by vhsiv at 6:57 AM on April 3, 2011

Back when I was a teenage smoker, Sbarro was one of the last places in the mall you could sit down and smoke. I'll always love them for that, even though now a smoke filled restaurant makes me want to hurl.
posted by dozo at 7:32 AM on April 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

Threads like these help me realize how many of my favorite things are terrible :(

just kidding, Arby's 4-ever
posted by MadamM at 7:57 AM on April 3, 2011

All the ones here in Minnesota are in the form of a dark, usually unstaffed counter to the left of the main counter at Arby's.

Couple of decades ago, the Sbarro's in City Center in downtown Minneapolis was actually a decent alternative to the other food-court-food available there. Lots of seating, fresh pasta items that at least didn't 'seem' like fast food. It went slowly downhill over the years. My hunch is that the "Sbarro's wasn't so bad" recollections might be from an earlier era like that.

Also, Orange Julius does live on, typically as a parasitic twin attached to the mall Dairy Queen in this area.
posted by gimonca at 8:26 AM on April 3, 2011

Damn this thread makes me want pizza. Unfortunately my gallbladder decided to explode last Tuesday and my doctor has restricted to no more than 5 grams of fat per meal. That would be maybe half a slice.
posted by the_artificer at 9:27 AM on April 3, 2011

But now where will I get Italian food poisoning? Cici's?
posted by klangklangston at 10:28 AM on April 3, 2011

-totally agree with all who have commented that Domino's has gotten their act together...quite good in a Two Boots meets CPK, but on a budget kind of way...when i order (~once a month), i order from them...much improved in all departments: tangy sauce, blend of cheeses heavy on the mozzarella, herbed crust with a properly corn-mealed bottom, and a monomania about getting it to you piping hot. if you've been disappointed before, it's worth giving them another shot...unless of course you live by a place that has reallly good slices (i live in l.a. ...you've pretty much (outside of the chains) got two options for pizza: trying to be a salad, or (on hollywood blvd, ew) trying to be from new york, usually without success.)

as far as the other chains go:
-Papa John's and Little Caesar's: bad enough to not go back, but not so bad that i'm telling stories about being hunched over a toilet for a week...and srsly, if the best that can be said about these chains is that they're 'not so bad that i'm telling stories about being hunched over a toilet for a week' then i would not be surprised in the least if they're going belly up in the coming months as well.
-Chuck E. Cheese's: A few years back a bunch of friends asked me what I wanted to do on my birthday. In a fit of nostalgia, and remembering I had passed by one in a strip mall a while before, I said 'lets go to chuck e cheese!'...reactions ranged between 'Are you serious' and 'Have you had a stroke? Can I drive you to the hospital?'...but they went. we went. we will not be going back. lets put it this way: their demographic has shifted...waaaay down. gone are the middle-school kids hunched over the frogger and the elementary-school kids bouncing around in the ball pit. (in fact, both are gone in favor of those machines that allow you to not win 'prizes' by not lining up a flashing light) Nay, instead, should you wish it...hie thee here for the dubious pleasure of eating soggy, sauceless pizza sealed in a scream-filled, ventilation-free chamber that REEKS of dirty diapers.
-Pizza Hut: made the mistake of going there a while back for the $5 lunch buffet (not even sure if they stay open for dinner any more...) The procedure goes like this: you go in, pay your five bucks, get your plate and cup, enter the Thunderdome of the Homeless. I have never been more afraid of being stabbed during a meal. The staff brings out a small pepperoni 'pizza' and a small sausage 'pizza' every seven minutes like a dogfighter holding a single strip of bacon over a pit of rotweilers. There is actual pushing and shoving. I managed to get one slice. It was horrible. There was also 'salad.' We will not discuss the salad. (I actually had a very similar experience at Sizzler, except replace 'the homeless' with 'the elderly' and 'pizza' with 'a pan of boiled grey shoe insoles')

-But Sbarro? Yeah, Sbarro is the worst. It's a place you eat at only 'by default'. It is the food of stadium malaise, rest-stop desolation, and airport despair. And it's not the poor customer service or naff decor (which are, mind you, terrible)...No, it's the food. It's so bad. It's so overpriced and bad. Oh that pizza! It's like...it's like...to say it's like week-old Jiffy cornbread soaked in rancid motor oil, slathered in expired spermicidal ointment and topped with bat guano is to do disservice to all of those things. And when Hobson's choice forces you through their doors, and you pass on the pizza, and forgo the calzones for fear that there might be an ear inside, and you're not quite sure if that green slurm is 'soup' or 'salad', may I remind you NOT to have the baked ziti as it is the only foodstuffs on record to have actually broken the sound barrier while whipping through a G.I. tract. It takes a lot of effort on the part of many to make food that bad. But they really put the time and energy into it (and then left it under a heat lamp for a week), and it shows. For this, I salute them, by not only dancing on their grave, but pissing on it as well. Goodbye forever, Sbarro, you will not be missed.
posted by sexyrobot at 10:35 AM on April 3, 2011 [12 favorites]

To be fair though, I once had worse pizza in Italy, in Rome, in a spot near the eastern wall (and our hotel). That was like Ragu smeared on some freezer-biscuit, with a helmet of congealed bag cheese. Since every other thing about that restaurant was also terrible (you're in Italy. How do you overcook your pasta? Literally everyone else got this right but you), my guess is that it was maybe their theme. Or their owner ate at a Sbarro's once?
posted by klangklangston at 10:38 AM on April 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

Where in LA, Spicy Robot? There are some decent pizza joints here.
posted by klangklangston at 10:40 AM on April 3, 2011

pizza is like sex...
...you don't think about it for a while but then you do and you want it so bad but your phone is shut off so you can't get it delivered so you drive around forever and ever and can't find any and end up alone in a parking lot, sobbing.
posted by generalist at 11:51 AM on April 3, 2011 [9 favorites]

Pontillo's shout out yeah!

YESSSSSS. Don't forget Mark's though.
posted by thsmchnekllsfascists at 1:31 PM on April 3, 2011

Chuck E. Cheese's: ... soggy, sauceless pizza

i wouldn't call sugared up tomato soup sauceless - i mean, i guess it's "sauce" - i couldn't believe how much damn sugar seemed to be in their pizza

i've had 99c frozen pizzas and c-store pizzas that were better than that

awful, awful, awful

hell, i've had school lunch pizza that was better than that ...
posted by pyramid termite at 2:32 PM on April 3, 2011

I searched the thread for mentions of garlic knots and found none. Am I the only person who remembers them? I got one of those with the baked ziti when shopping at Tysons Corner in Northern Virginia in the late 80s, before there was a California Pizza Kitchen there. We permanently forsook Sbarro for CPK after it opened.
posted by jocelmeow at 2:33 PM on April 3, 2011 [2 favorites]

Y'all haven't even mentioned Bernie Father Guido Sarducci Rocky Rococo's. Anybody ever try that?
posted by symbioid at 2:37 PM on April 3, 2011

Goddamnit strike!
posted by symbioid at 2:37 PM on April 3, 2011

We have a Rocky Rococo's here in Spokane... I've been there, um... maybe twice shortly after I moved here nearly 8 years ago. I couldn't possibly tell you much about it, other than I keep wanting to accost the owners and find out if they did, in fact, get their name from a Firesign Theatre character.
posted by hippybear at 3:03 PM on April 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

jocelmeow, there's still a pizza joint that does garlic knots in Tyson's! They've moved upstairs, though. Verrrry tasty stuff.
posted by Hwin at 4:35 PM on April 3, 2011

jojcelmeow: Also pretty sure that most of the Ledo's locations have knots too...there's one just down the road in Falls Church by the Trader Joes.

Good pizza is difficult, but (as I am discovering) possible to find in the DC area. (However, when I lived further south in VA, forget about it. People would dip their pizza in ranch dressing to hide the taste.)

My favorites in DC right now are Seventh Hill Pizza, Red Rocks, and Pete's New Haven Pizza. Give We The Pizza a pass -- it's expensive, the wait is long, and it's not even good pizza.
posted by schmod at 4:47 PM on April 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

This far, and no one has mentioned one of the top 5 pizzerias is in Portland, OR: Apizza Scholls

That and the Best Show on WFMU's "A Talk with Mark Michaels, Publisher of Pizza Aficionado Magazine (originally aired on August 2, 2005)" | Listen: MP3 - 128K | Pop‑up Flash player
posted by wcfields at 5:24 PM on April 3, 2011

That's kinda funny because I actually had Sbarro for (I think) the first time yesterday. It wasn't very good though.
posted by ghharr at 5:51 PM on April 3, 2011

"People would dip their pizza in ranch dressing to hide the taste."

Ugh. Here in central illinois, there's a pizza chain beloved for their special "french dressing." They buy the pizza for the DRESSING.

schmod, comparisons to 2 amy's and either of the Paradiso places? (Also in Woodley Park there's a deli that does decent pizza by the slice).
posted by stratastar at 6:20 PM on April 3, 2011

They buy the pizza for the DRESSING.

I don't want to live on this planet anymore.
posted by The Whelk at 7:51 PM on April 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

Ew, stratastar, I believe I know of which chain you are speaking. I think I even saw a commercial in the past few months that urges you to join their "dipping club." Disgusting.
posted by rebel_rebel at 8:49 PM on April 3, 2011

My New York pizza joint! This is bad news.
posted by Mael Oui at 9:06 PM on April 3, 2011 [2 favorites]

jeremy b: "A decade or so ago, I was in a brand-new shopping mall called The Source in Long Island, NY. It was opening day and the mall was quite empty; many of the retail stores had yet to offically open.

The food court did *not* have a Sbarro, but instead featured a slightly more upscale-looking pizzeria called Umberto's of New Hyde Park. "

This comment cracked me up. I shop at the Source Mall and they do have a Sbarros now.
posted by zarq at 7:37 AM on April 4, 2011

To my knowledge, I've only eaten at Sbarro's once, a month or so again, when they opened their Japanese branch. It wasn't bad. This seems to continue on the "foreign fast food chains taste better in Japan" line, as McDonald's here is also better.
posted by Bugbread at 7:38 AM on April 4, 2011

> This seems to continue on the "foreign fast food chains taste better in Japan" line

Starbucks tastes the same, though.
posted by Burhanistan at 7:40 AM on April 4, 2011

schmod, comparisons to 2 amy's and either of the Paradiso places? (Also in Woodley Park there's a deli that does decent pizza by the slice).

2 amy's has been on my list forever. I don't make it out to upper Northwest all that often. <sarcasm>It's scary, and there's a lot of crime.</sarcasm> I'll have to do some delicious reconnaissance, and get back to you.

Pizza Paradiso is pretty good -- I've only been to the one in DuPont, although it didn't blow me away. It's still way better than the usual dreck that passes for pizza in the south, but failed to leave me crawling back for more. Maybe I'll have to give it another chance...

While we're making pizza recommendations, I'll also throw out my two favorite places in Jersey: Arturo's in Maplewood, and Brooklyn's in Hackensack. Both worth driving a considerable distance to get to. (Every time I return home to the mothership, I return with a freezer full of pizza and bagels. It always disappears a lot faster than it should.)
posted by schmod at 7:56 AM on April 4, 2011

For the tourist from Sheboygan, its easer to go with the devil you know than take a chance elsewhere.

I live near Times Square and see the lines outside Olive Garden and Red Lobster and Sbarros, and I can't help but think people should just stay in Sheboygan if they are too wary to try something unfamiliar.

Yesterday, on line at Amy's, a terrific little bakery in the area, a lively and heated debate broke out when a tourist innocently asked where to get good pizza. Typically, everyone in earshot had to jump in, and soon these poor middle aged ladies with their rollie bags who only wanted to know where to get lunch were being battered with complex directions to the outer boros and intructions to say hello to particular pizza chefs, while side arguments broke out and nearly devolved into scone-flinging. You take your life in your hands asking New Yorkers for pizza recommendations.

Also, pizza is like sex....

...some people think it's all about the poofs.
posted by CunningLinguist at 8:30 AM on April 4, 2011 [4 favorites]

> . You take your life in your hands asking New Yorkers for pizza recommendations.

It would be fun to set up blind taste testing and see how many people mistake Sbarros for the local corner "absolute best authentic pizza ever" store.
posted by Burhanistan at 8:32 AM on April 4, 2011 [3 favorites]

I can tell what distributor a local place is using by how the tomato sauce tastes. It's the dead give-away cause almost no one makes their own sauce. There is a tasteful different in texture between dough made with hard or soft water and dough that has been frozen. This is backed up by hundreds of hours spent eating innumerable slices and cooking some my own.

Bring it on Burhanistan.
posted by The Whelk at 8:48 AM on April 4, 2011 [1 favorite]

You take your life in your hands asking New Yorkers for pizza recommendations.

Yeah. Which is probably why people line up at Olive Garden and Red Lobster.

If someone asks you for directions, or recommendations, or instructions, the best answer is the "good and easy" one, not the "great and insanely complicated" one.
posted by Bugbread at 8:48 AM on April 4, 2011 [2 favorites]

Bugbread: " If someone asks you for directions, or recommendations, or instructions, the best answer is the "good and easy" one, not the "great and insanely complicated" one."

Aw c'mon. If obtaining the best Pizza in New York requires three subway transfers, two buses and a carriage ride through central park, then why settle for second best? :)
posted by zarq at 9:09 AM on April 4, 2011 [1 favorite]

Pizza is like sex...

Pineapples have no business being in either.
posted by Saxon Kane at 9:39 AM on April 4, 2011 [2 favorites]

My very Sicilian mother would go way out of her (our) way at the mall food court in order to avoid being in any kind of proximity to Sbarro's. She was absolutely horrified -- and kind of insulted because it was masquerading as Italian food -- because they piled the food under hot orange lights. She would warn me away as if the place were radioactive, making me vow never to step foot inside when not with her, and I sure didn't, for of course, she would somehow know.
posted by thinkpiece at 4:42 PM on April 4, 2011 [1 favorite]

Oh and ...

Pizza is like sex ...
Sicilian-style rules.
posted by thinkpiece at 4:43 PM on April 4, 2011 [4 favorites]

Pizza is like sex...

Pineapples have no business being in either.

Ring toss?
posted by the_artificer at 5:19 PM on April 4, 2011 [1 favorite]

WRT to the source mall - Umberto's is the Sbarro family's attempt to go upmarket.
posted by JPD at 8:01 AM on April 5, 2011

No comments about the double consonant? That's always bugged me, but the first sah-barrows I saw was in a basement "food" court on M St. in Washington D.C. The evil place was in a back corner near some sewer problem like CBGB's bathroom (remember: basement), and in order to avoid the crushing lunchtime crowd, I'd always go a bit later. The combination of a growling empty stomach with a nauseating smell would almost cause me to dash back upstairs & forget the whole thing despite the reasonable (tasting, and importantly for lobbyist-driven prices elsewhere, priced) food at other places.

I've eaten at a SB once since those days & I think I just had a diet Coke or something.

"The thing about entering a Sbarro is that, in doing so, you are hybridizing your body with a xerox-machine that runs entirely off of poor afternoon light." -isaaclinder
posted by morganw at 12:08 PM on April 5, 2011

No comments about the double consonant? That's always bugged me, but the first sah-barrows I saw was in a basement "food" court on M St. in Washington D.C.

In Italian, 'Sb" at the beginning of a word is pronounced more like a English Z than an S. (it's the same S as in the word rose) Zbarro would be a closer approximation, with the Z prounounced very lightly - lighter than you would in most English words. It's definitely not Suh-Barro, as most people pronounce it here in the US.

Their pizza still blows.
posted by deadmessenger at 12:23 PM on April 5, 2011

Zbarro is appropriate given that is basically Bizarro World good pizza
posted by jtron at 3:23 PM on April 5, 2011

Burhanistan: "> . You take your life in your hands asking New Yorkers for pizza recommendations.

It would be fun to set up blind taste testing and see how many people mistake Sbarros for the local corner "absolute best authentic pizza ever" store."

Any time. I'll even put money down.
posted by Splunge at 3:50 AM on April 6, 2011 [1 favorite]

The Sbarros above the F/V train under Sixth Avenue in Manhattan at the 34th Street/Herald Square station used to (stlll?) make one of the subway platforms smell like vomit.
posted by Mo Nickels at 7:18 AM on April 7, 2011