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You may say I'm a dreamer...
May 2, 2011 5:42 AM   Subscribe

Do you hate it when that happens? In a perfect world, it doesn't.

"Waking up at the wrong time because "PM" instead of "AM" was set up, the page's left edge rips because the perforations don't tear cleanly, the other sock in the pair goes missing, and so forth. These are all normal happenings that exist in our imperfect day-to-day lives and this series of simple illustrations points out what a perfect world would be like without such disruptions." via
posted by SomeTrickPony (58 comments total) 7 users marked this as a favorite

 
In a perfect world either all websites would work (albeit with reduced functionality) on IE6 or my employer would upgrade their software once a decade or so.
posted by TedW at 5:47 AM on May 2, 2011 [3 favorites]


In a perfect [first] world, perhaps.
posted by seanmpuckett at 5:48 AM on May 2, 2011 [8 favorites]


That was cute. Thanks. I especially liked "That thing you want comes in your favorite color."
posted by Rock Steady at 5:51 AM on May 2, 2011


...I'm not such a cynical bastard.
posted by OmieWise at 5:53 AM on May 2, 2011


"Ketchup in the glass is easier to pour"? This would be a far, far, far worse world and not just because mustard is the superior condiment. The thickness of ketchup is what makes it work. Runny ketchup would be gross. (And if you can't exploit the thixotropy of ketchup to get it out, you should probably switch to something else anyway.)
posted by DU at 6:02 AM on May 2, 2011 [1 favorite]


"The wireless internet you want to steal requires no password."
posted by DU at 6:03 AM on May 2, 2011 [2 favorites]


In a perfect world you would not need to be reminded that it wasn't an imperfect world.
posted by tommasz at 6:09 AM on May 2, 2011


Cute! Of course, I completely back "Menstruation is unnecessary."
posted by Kitteh at 6:19 AM on May 2, 2011


... I always post the first, best snark.
posted by Devils Rancher at 6:20 AM on May 2, 2011 [1 favorite]


Some of these don't seem to go as far as 'perfect', but only as far as 'slightly less imperfect'.
Like 'the battery is always full at the right time'. Why not 'we wouldn't need batteries'?
Or 'AM and PM wouldn't get mixed up on an alarm clock'. Why not 'You wouldn't need an alarm clock'?
I quite like some of them, but some of them seem to be treating the symptoms and not the disease.
posted by Mister Moofoo at 6:20 AM on May 2, 2011 [7 favorites]


Or like "cutting circles would be less difficult." Why not "our eyes would have lasers attached"??
posted by milestogo at 6:23 AM on May 2, 2011 [3 favorites]


AKA: #firstworldproblems

Yeah, the menstruation one aside...
posted by pompomtom at 6:23 AM on May 2, 2011


Not to mention the fact that cutting circles not at all difficult.
posted by DU at 6:28 AM on May 2, 2011


I'm actually enjoying the cute little graphics more than the sentiments. The broken pencil lead is particularly good.
posted by Lorc at 6:33 AM on May 2, 2011 [1 favorite]


Someone always has a pen

Someone does. That someone is me. I would prefer this if it read "The someone with the pen gets his pen back and it still works."
posted by GenjiandProust at 6:50 AM on May 2, 2011 [17 favorites]


"Ketchup in the glass is easier to pour"?

Just hit the 57 (go to 1:58 for the money shot).
posted by ericbop at 6:55 AM on May 2, 2011 [2 favorites]


In a perfect world everyone would love this post.

Sorry to ruin it.
posted by papercake at 7:08 AM on May 2, 2011


"Stickers always peel off clean"

In a perfect world people would use adverbs.
posted by octothorpe at 7:09 AM on May 2, 2011 [2 favorites]


Just hit the 57 (go to 1:58 for the money shot).

I went in skeptical, but came out a believer. Of course, it has nothing to do with the 57 and everything to do with Newton's First Law. This is the same way to get the last little bits out of the mustard bottle.

Shaking the bottle up and down just oscillates the ketchup. Sure, that loosens it a little and so it kind of flows, but not really. What you need is a short, sharp whack in one direction only. With a mustard bottle, I drop it on the tip, which causes the mustard to fly down. Once again, merely shaking the bottle means the mustard flies both up AND down, which is pointless.

With the ketchup bottle, this guy is pushing the bottle backwards and the inertia of the ketchup itself is leaving it in place (relative to the table) which moves it forward (relative to the bottle) and thus it comes out.
posted by DU at 7:19 AM on May 2, 2011


That was awful.
posted by pracowity at 7:22 AM on May 2, 2011 [3 favorites]


Some of those have an "Andy Rooney for the 21st Century" vibe.
posted by birdherder at 7:26 AM on May 2, 2011 [4 favorites]


I would prefer this if it read "The someone with the pen gets his pen back and it still works."

I haven't field tested it for very long, but I got this pen recently, whose cap doesn't fit on the back end. Take off cap, loan pen, hold onto cap, enjoy constant reminder that you have not yet demanded your pen back. Also I'm pretty sure I could kill a man with it.
posted by middleclasstool at 7:31 AM on May 2, 2011 [5 favorites]


In a perfect world: "All of the popcorn kernels pop".

I strongly and respectfully disagree. Those 1/3rd popped kernels at the bottom of popcorn mountain are one of the many reasons I'm happy to get out of bed in the morning.
posted by pwally at 7:32 AM on May 2, 2011 [5 favorites]


That was awful.

In a perfect world, snarks get eaten by sharks.
posted by pwally at 7:35 AM on May 2, 2011 [1 favorite]


The thickness of ketchup is what makes it work. Runny ketchup would be gross.

The commercial product called "ketchup" is legally defined by it's viscosity. In a world where it pours, there is no such thing as ketchup.
posted by StickyCarpet at 7:56 AM on May 2, 2011 [1 favorite]


"The toilet paper roll is never empty at the wrong time."

When is there a RIGHT time?
posted by incomple at 8:04 AM on May 2, 2011


Oh fuck this. It's another hashtag site like twitter or gizmodo where I have to enable javascript for it to work at all.

What's the fucking point of breaking your site, just to provide functionality that is no different than straight HTML???

No really, you need to have some compelling content to induce me to futz with my settings just to view your site. Cutesy r/first-world-problems lolcats pictures ain't it.
posted by orthogonality at 8:09 AM on May 2, 2011 [1 favorite]


middleclasstool: " I would prefer this if it read "The someone with the pen gets his pen back and it still works."

I haven't field tested it for very long, but I got this pen recently, whose cap doesn't fit on the back end. Take off cap, loan pen, hold onto cap, enjoy constant reminder that you have not yet demanded your pen back. Also I'm pretty sure I could kill a man with it.
"

That's a mighty tactical pen you got there.
posted by Splunge at 8:09 AM on May 2, 2011 [3 favorites]


Please. Cooking an omelet isn't exactly rocket science.
posted by monospace at 8:13 AM on May 2, 2011


In a perfect world, that thing you want would be safely manufactured by people who have clean running water, living wages, and political freedoms.

Ah, fuck it, it's in your FAVORITE COLOR! Totally perfect!!!!
posted by the young rope-rider at 8:16 AM on May 2, 2011 [11 favorites]


In a perfect world you have a sufficient sense of scale and detachment that the little things don't bring you down.
posted by ChrisHartley at 8:32 AM on May 2, 2011 [3 favorites]


What are AM and PM?
posted by Eideteker at 16:48 GMT
posted by Eideteker at 8:48 AM on May 2, 2011 [3 favorites]


orthogonality: You browse with Javascript off? Dude, it's 2011. We're turning Flash off, now.
posted by pts at 8:56 AM on May 2, 2011 [2 favorites]


In a perfect world either all websites would work (albeit with reduced functionality) on IE6 or my employer would upgrade their software once a decade or so.

As a web developer, definitely not the first option.
posted by iotic at 9:58 AM on May 2, 2011 [1 favorite]


I haven't field tested it for very long, but I got this pen recently, whose cap doesn't fit on the back end.

Can you tell us what the "other, more discrete reasons" are that the cap doesn't fit on the pen? Or did they make you sign an NDA when you bought it?
posted by straight at 10:17 AM on May 2, 2011


When is there a RIGHT time?

When someone you dislike is in the restroom alone at 5.01pm on a Friday, obvsly.
posted by elizardbits at 10:22 AM on May 2, 2011


In a perfect world, people would know that menstruation is easily avoided
posted by benzenedream at 10:31 AM on May 2, 2011 [2 favorites]


But we don't really want these problems to go away. Otherwise what would we put on our blogs/twitter feeds/cutesy graphic design websites?
posted by jnrussell at 10:59 AM on May 2, 2011


To easily pour ketchup in a glass bottle, just hold it in pouring position and tap the top with your hand or fist in the thick part. When you agitate a semi-gel like that it becomes more liquid. There's your utopia, you hot dog ruining bastards.
posted by cmoj at 11:08 AM on May 2, 2011 [2 favorites]


I hope that website gets cancer I hate it so much.
posted by Brocktoon at 11:28 AM on May 2, 2011 [2 favorites]


I liked the graphics.
posted by entropyiswinning at 11:32 AM on May 2, 2011


pts: orthogonality: You browse with Javascript off? Dude, it's 2011. We're turning Flash off, now

"Choclate? Dude, it's 2011. We're eating peanutbutter now."


Two great tastes that go great together.
posted by paisley henosis at 11:38 AM on May 2, 2011 [1 favorite]


Can you tell us what the "other, more discrete reasons" are that the cap doesn't fit on the pen?

No, but I can think of a few continuous reasons.
posted by DU at 11:41 AM on May 2, 2011 [1 favorite]


In a perfect world, it wouldn't come to this.
posted by Ron Thanagar at 12:27 PM on May 2, 2011


Can you tell us what the "other, more discrete reasons" are that the cap doesn't fit on the pen? Or did they make you sign an NDA when you bought it?

I have wondered this myself. The texture strikes me as a bit, er, rough for doing anal sketchwork. The pen's perfectly symmetric (minus the clip, of course) and almost perfectly balanced, so maybe that's why? I have no idea. Good pen, though. Will likely outlive me.
posted by middleclasstool at 12:32 PM on May 2, 2011


"People respond to texts immediately"

Fuck you little blue graphic. I won't be a slave to my phone or my friends every beck and call to take advantage of what I have to offer. I'll answer when I want to and if I want to.
posted by zephyr_words at 12:34 PM on May 2, 2011 [3 favorites]


Can you tell us what the "other, more discrete reasons" are that the cap doesn't fit on the pen? Or did they make you sign an NDA when you bought it?

Looks like it could be used as a kubotan.
posted by ego at 1:19 PM on May 2, 2011


On the same site - 'things with googly eyes' is a winner. Especially no 3 - it's like Swamp Thing came to life!
posted by Sparx at 1:24 PM on May 2, 2011


Just imagine if you could see one of these collections of 'what a perfect world could be' from other times in history.

What would the Romans say? What about the Greeks? Egyptians? What about people from 100 years ago?

I think it's a neat slice of information to get into the heads of the people living in those times.

They should put this in the time-capsule.
posted by johnstein at 1:32 PM on May 2, 2011 [2 favorites]


Police make sure you don't get stabbed in streets or your own parties.

People don't lean and block your view at the Colosseum.

Your Triumvirate stops dissolving.

Tribal nations let you veni, vidi, vici.
posted by zephyr_words at 3:16 PM on May 2, 2011 [2 favorites]


There would be a laundromat near my flat or a clothes dryer in my building.

My Bluetooth headphones would work, I wouldn't have lost my iPhone headphones and my other headphones would be easily portable.

I could cheaply fix my chipped tooth.

There would be brain-computer interfaces.

You could instantly tell if someone liked you.

Physical space wouldn't exist and we'd all be pure thought.
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 3:26 PM on May 2, 2011 [1 favorite]


"People respond to texts immediately"

People put word balloons in the right order.
posted by Mister Moofoo at 3:37 PM on May 2, 2011 [3 favorites]


My damn students would at least make some vague effort to do their homework.
posted by Go Banana at 5:07 PM on May 2, 2011


I thought these were cute, even if some of the problems were kind of crap. I completely agree about the lead pencils breaking when you sharpen them though.
posted by Kris10_b at 7:49 PM on May 2, 2011


Those 1/3rd popped kernels at the bottom of popcorn mountain are one of the many reasons I'm happy to get out of bed in the morning.

Popnots. (previously)
posted by Evilspork at 8:45 PM on May 2, 2011


The waistband and pant leg length are the right size... because everyone has been genetically engineered to be the exact same size.

The spider you try to kill on your wall actually dies the first time... because it trusted you.

You never accidentally buy the low-fat version of something... because you are no longer allowed in dairy aisle.

Your favorite song doesn't come on the radio when you park... because music has been outlawed.

Menstruation isn't necessary... because you're a man.
posted by bstreep at 8:55 PM on May 2, 2011 [4 favorites]


People living in civilized countries that use 24-hour clocks never have to worry about any AM/PM shenanigans.
posted by ymgve at 4:25 AM on May 3, 2011 [2 favorites]


Those 1/3rd popped kernels at the bottom of popcorn mountain are one of the many reasons I'm happy to get out of bed in the morning.

Popnots.


AKA old maids.

Now that I am on a computer with a modern browser and can see the site, I have to say that although this is cool, I still prefer Life's Little Victories when they occasionally appear. (And I am still annoyed with Salon.com for dropping Keith Knight.)
posted by TedW at 5:49 AM on May 3, 2011


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