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In an earlier statement issued to the press, Kenobi boasted that striking him down could make him "more powerful than you could possibly imagine."
May 11, 2011 9:45 AM   Subscribe


 
From the comments:

Why are we still giving aid to Tatooine? They probably knew of Kenobi's existence the whole time and even helped him! That whole planet is just a big hive of scum and villainy.
posted by Trurl at 9:48 AM on May 11, 2011 [30 favorites]


Absolutely brilliant satire.
posted by me3dia at 9:52 AM on May 11, 2011


Finally, a useful Start Wars/IRL reference.
posted by Minus215Cee at 9:54 AM on May 11, 2011 [1 favorite]


I wish I could read the rest of the Galactic Empire Times.
posted by saturday_morning at 9:56 AM on May 11, 2011 [18 favorites]


Start Wars
I meant...oh, bother.
posted by Minus215Cee at 9:56 AM on May 11, 2011


Say, that's quite well done. I'm glad they didn't try to adhere to canon; it's much better this way.
posted by gurple at 9:57 AM on May 11, 2011 [1 favorite]


Needs osamabinkenobi tag. Or maybe obiwanladen. Or both.
posted by nzero at 9:59 AM on May 11, 2011 [1 favorite]


somewhat related: The Jedis Hate Our Freedom
posted by dubold at 10:00 AM on May 11, 2011 [3 favorites]


For once, a newspaper comments section worth reading.
posted by joe lisboa at 10:03 AM on May 11, 2011 [4 favorites]


OK. That's much better than the other NYT parody we had yesterday.
posted by schmod at 10:04 AM on May 11, 2011 [4 favorites]


Needs osamabinkenobi tag. Or maybe obiwanladen. Or both.

Those aren't the tags you're looking for.
posted by Faint of Butt at 10:04 AM on May 11, 2011 [8 favorites]


Seriously great execution.
posted by vibrotronica at 10:09 AM on May 11, 2011


No civilian casualties? Wow, only Imperial Stormtroopers are so precise!
posted by DiscountDeity at 10:10 AM on May 11, 2011 [6 favorites]


I wish I could read the rest of the Galactic Empire Times.

Yeah but the Thursday trend pieces are the worst. Every week, some hokey religion or ancient weapon comes back into vogue among Alderaan princesses or kids in the outer boroughs.
posted by condour75 at 10:10 AM on May 11, 2011 [16 favorites]


We should demand the holofootage of the fight! Wake up space-sheeple!
posted by ShawnStruck at 10:16 AM on May 11, 2011 [3 favorites]


Seriously great execution

I see what you did there
posted by criticalbill at 10:19 AM on May 11, 2011 [9 favorites]


Let's be CLEAR this is not a VADER victory but a victory of our boys in white, not to mention the leadership of Lord Tyrannus the Count Dooku who started the manhunt in the first place.
posted by Artw at 10:24 AM on May 11, 2011 [4 favorites]


Are you kidding me with this shit? Kenobi was an old man with health problems. Surely he must be have already been dead by now. The Jedi are extinct, their fire has gone out of the universe.
posted by shakespeherian at 10:28 AM on May 11, 2011 [9 favorites]


This solves nothing. Lucas will still make sequels.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 10:30 AM on May 11, 2011 [4 favorites]


I just want this Galactic Empire Times to be a regular thing. One article is not enough!
posted by immlass at 10:33 AM on May 11, 2011 [1 favorite]


Kenobi spent most of his time watching himself on VHS tapes anyway.
posted by Trurl at 10:33 AM on May 11, 2011 [1 favorite]


Yeah, because the DVDs were all doctored.
posted by yerfatma at 10:35 AM on May 11, 2011 [8 favorites]


A little convenient that this comes just as some are beginning to question Vader's sad devotion to an ancient religion. I say Kenobi has been dead for years, kept frozen in carbonite for the right PR opportunity.
posted by juv3nal at 10:48 AM on May 11, 2011 [10 favorites]


I say Kenobi has been dead for years, kept frozen in carbonite for the right PR opportunity.

So his spectral appearances were pre-recorded?
posted by Trurl at 10:49 AM on May 11, 2011


Where is the body????
posted by antihostile at 10:59 AM on May 11, 2011


Always two, there are...
posted by newdaddy at 11:00 AM on May 11, 2011


It's true, the spectral appearances of Obi wan Kenobi were all pre-recorded by the Hari Seldon Foundation.
posted by grizzled at 11:01 AM on May 11, 2011 [11 favorites]


The farce is strong in this one.
posted by Guy_Inamonkeysuit at 11:04 AM on May 11, 2011 [6 favorites]


So his spectral appearances were pre-recorded?

Yeah, Kenobi died, but Han shot it first.
posted by shakespeherian at 11:06 AM on May 11, 2011 [6 favorites]


The comments are the best part I think:

Cool Calamari 46 · 3 hours ago
FIRST THEY GET RID OF THE SENATE NOW THIS, DON'T YOU SEE WHAT THEY ARE DOING TO US? THIS IS ALL A SET UP, A BIG PLOT....A CONSPIRACY ...YOU COULD SAY IT IS SOME KIND OF....SUBTERFUGE OR SNARE.. DAMMIT WHAT IS THE WORD I'M THINKING OF?

posted by dubitable at 11:06 AM on May 11, 2011 [16 favorites]


Well executed. Along the same lines, here's the "contractors on the death star" monologue from Clerks:
posted by the thing about it at 11:09 AM on May 11, 2011 [1 favorite]


Listen, the more planets we attack, the more sympathy for the rebellion we're creating in the Outer Rim, and the Emperor knows that, and he wants that to happen. The more resources we pour into fighting the rebellion, the higher the profit margins for BlasTech and Seniar Fleet Systems.

Sorry for putting down my tinfoil blast shield, but we must ask ourselves what Qui-Gon Jinn always did: who benefits?
posted by Jon_Evil at 11:10 AM on May 11, 2011 [2 favorites]


Don't be too proud of this satirical website you've constructed. The power to mock the Empire is insignificant next to the power of the farce.
posted by never used baby shoes at 11:14 AM on May 11, 2011 [4 favorites]




Even the GEARHUTT .COM spam is awesome.

I'm just waiting for the follow-up article claiming that bringing this Rebellion leader to justice was only possible due to the information gained with the use of enhanced interrogation droids against suspected rebel sympathizers already in custody.
posted by ArkhanJG at 11:21 AM on May 11, 2011


Kenobi and a group of his followers were eventually captured while fleeing the system, and taken aboard the Death Star, which was in the midst of surveying the recent environmental disaster on Alderaan.

PERFECT.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 11:23 AM on May 11, 2011


What's a nubian?
posted by Artw at 11:27 AM on May 11, 2011 [5 favorites]


I LOVE THIS.
posted by Evernix at 11:34 AM on May 11, 2011


Kenobi and a group of his followers were eventually captured while fleeing the system, and taken aboard the Death Star, which was in the midst of surveying the recent environmental disaster on Alderaan.

And this just shows the bleeding-heart mindset of the liberal press. It's the Defence Star, calling it the "Death Star" is just left-wing libel against our Emperor. They should all be executed as traitors.
posted by ArkhanJG at 11:34 AM on May 11, 2011 [1 favorite]


Best part about the announcement? He pre-empted the last 15 parsecs of Jabba the Hutt's "Slave Humiliation Game Show." Now hopefully that creepy-looking slimy idiot will stop babbling about how Vader was born as a slave.
posted by PlusDistance at 11:39 AM on May 11, 2011 [26 favorites]


And this just shows the bleeding-heart mindset of the liberal press. It's the Defence Star, calling it the "Death Star" is just left-wing libel against our Emperor. They should all be executed as traitors.

Someone in the comments of the article had the exact same thought as you.
posted by antifuse at 11:41 AM on May 11, 2011


What I find particularly revolting about this whole thing is that the Republic spent untold trillions training and funding Jedi for centuries. Now we spend uncountable trillions hunting them down and killing them. And no one bats an eye at this absurdity.

But when I start pointing out the possibility of a grave danger to all of us -- Imperials and Rebels alike -- from outside the Galaxy and how we need to start preparing now, everyone rolls their eyes and makes jokes about how I need to stop sniffing carbonite.

Yeah, go back to sleep, space-sheeple. Keep watching your pod races and distracting yourself with pleasure droids. We'll see who's right.
posted by lord_wolf at 11:42 AM on May 11, 2011 [5 favorites]


Vader should have read The Hobbit.

Anyway ben Kinobi's been dead for years.
posted by odinsdream at 11:44 AM on May 11, 2011 [1 favorite]


THIS REBEL WAR IS JUST A SMOKESCREEN TO COVER FOR THE TOTAL FAILURE OF THE WAR ON SMUGGLERS. ALL OF THE ILELGEL THINGS GOING ON RIGHT IN THE SHADOW OF THE EMPIRE.
posted by eyeballkid at 11:52 AM on May 11, 2011


Once in a very long while I see something that makes me so jealous I didn't write it myself, and this is one of those things. (The glorious "Clinton Deploys Vowels to Bosnia" piece is another.)
posted by wenestvedt at 12:05 PM on May 11, 2011


Honestly, I didn't think his schwartz was that big.
posted by octobersurprise at 12:05 PM on May 11, 2011


I was going to say that nerds ruin everything, this is actually not too bad
posted by Bwithh at 12:22 PM on May 11, 2011


This was very well done.

That said, I don't find it funny and am vaguely offended by it the way it conflates reality and fiction. I never got the impression that Kenobi was all that important and well known in the Star Wars Universe, so making him this great terror, even in satire just makes my brain heart.

Apologies for the lack of humor, having coffee issues.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:28 PM on May 11, 2011


THIS REBEL WAR IS JUST A SMOKESCREEN TO COVER FOR THE TOTAL FAILURE OF THE WAR ON SMUGGLERS. ALL OF THE ILELGEL THINGS GOING ON RIGHT IN THE SHADOW OF THE EMPIRE.

Don't you get it? The Empire is DIRECTLY INVOLVED in the spice trade! How do you think all those ships are able to make the Kessel run? The Imperial navy TURNS A BLIND EYE because they know that the SO-CALLED "war on spice" helps justify their BLOATED DEFENSE BUDGETS. Even if a smuggler has to dump his load, it'll get picked up again by the captain of some star destroyer and put back on the CLANDESTINE MARKET. If they wanted to, they could just park one of their "defense stars" right there and STOP THE TRADE FOR GOOD! They can't though, because the BANKS on Coruscant rely on infusions of "spice money" to maintain the LIQUIDITY they need to support their OVER-LEVERAGED positions in the galactic markets, and Imperial economy depends on military spending to keep their FIAT "Imperial Credits" afloat! The only way to solve this problem is to break our dependence on the ARTIFICIAL CREDIT and go back to the old republic ingots!

GOOGLE MON MOTHMA!
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 12:35 PM on May 11, 2011 [12 favorites]


Now do Dune.
posted by longbaugh at 12:57 PM on May 11, 2011 [1 favorite]


This war is the pointless struggle between two groups of wasteful bureaucrats who are fighting over the right to tax and regulate the oppressed Galactic citizens - free yourselves! Wake up sheeple!

Learn about the true Force of the Invisible Hand of the Free Market and what both the Senate and the Imperial Command doesn't want you to know! Google Lando Calrissian!
posted by yeloson at 12:58 PM on May 11, 2011 [4 favorites]


"Arrakis News Media displayed pictures of the ruined 'thopter in Muad'Dib's compound. Sensitive viewers should look away as the images of dead Fremen can be disturbing".
posted by longbaugh at 12:59 PM on May 11, 2011 [2 favorites]


Learn about the true Force of the Invisible Hand of the Free Market and what both the Senate and the Imperial Command doesn't want you to know! Google Lando Calrissian!


Hee, now THAT was funny.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 1:04 PM on May 11, 2011 [3 favorites]


"While the Imperial Household and the Landsraad officially deny the existence of Sardukar Team 6, it is thought they played a direct role in the raid on Arrakeen."
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 1:05 PM on May 11, 2011 [4 favorites]


Meanwhile the hunt for Emmanuel Goldstein has resulted in new leads, but no Emmanuel.
posted by rough ashlar at 1:08 PM on May 11, 2011


And I await someone to create an account called Eric Blair to post things like:
"The war is not meant to be won, it is meant to be continuous. Hierarchical society is only possible on the basis of poverty and ignorance... In principle the war effort is always planned to keep society on the brink of starvation. The war is waged by the ruling group against its own subjects and its object is not the victory over either... but to keep the very structure of society intact."
posted by rough ashlar at 1:11 PM on May 11, 2011


Did Ben Kenobi dye his beard?
posted by horsewithnoname at 1:19 PM on May 11, 2011 [3 favorites]


"VADER: WE WILL NOT RELEASE HOLOGRAPHIC WOW OF KENOBI EXECUTION."
posted by cottoncandybeard at 1:23 PM on May 11, 2011


I note this thread is failing to acknowledge the role Imperial IT-O interrogation droids played in bringing Kenobi to justice.
posted by Scoo at 1:24 PM on May 11, 2011 [8 favorites]


Learn about the true Force of the Invisible Hand of the Free Market and what both the Senate and the Imperial Command doesn't want you to know! Google Lando Calrissian!

The Galactic Reserve has too much power. Re-adopt the Tibanna gas standard!
posted by condour75 at 2:02 PM on May 11, 2011 [2 favorites]


Wait. What is the word that Cool Calamari 46 can't think of? Phantom Menance?
posted by Nonsteroidal Anti-Inflammatory Drug at 2:02 PM on May 11, 2011


Kenobi was killed on Mustafar years ago, just after the end of the Clone Wars. Everyone knows that.
posted by kyrademon at 2:03 PM on May 11, 2011 [1 favorite]


(Er, or what Whiteskull said.)
posted by condour75 at 2:05 PM on May 11, 2011


I heard there is now some prodigal son disciple of Obi-wan who stands to take over the reigns. And all kinds of terrorist training camps in nearby swamp systems. When will the government respond to those rumors?
posted by Metro Gnome at 2:07 PM on May 11, 2011 [1 favorite]


Yeah but the Thursday trend pieces are the worst. Every week, some hokey religion or ancient weapon comes back into vogue among Alderaan princesses or kids in the outer boroughs.

Sounds like you're jealous cause you only heard of Sy Snootles from his GET Sunday profile, and you had to buy your fixed-propulsion hoverbike from Tuskan Outfitters. Hutters gonna Hutt.
posted by Pickman's Next Top Model at 2:08 PM on May 11, 2011 [5 favorites]


Wait. What is the word that Cool Calamari 46 can't think of? Phantom Menance?

Ahem

posted by Hlewagast at 2:13 PM on May 11, 2011 [1 favorite]


Man, 12 pages of amazing comments. The internet at its best.

The truth that this administration always tries to downplay is that OWK and his Jedi cronies were once considered allies and given massive support when Palpatine needed a lightsaber to swing at the Separatists. Maybe if he'd been less concerned with Empire-building and just left those worlds to govern themselves, we wouldn't have created monsters like Kenobi. Palpatine has radicalized the Rebels and when they strike back, the blood of their victims will be on his hands.
posted by absalom at 2:20 PM on May 11, 2011 [3 favorites]


Where's Vader's birth certificate? WAKE UP SHEEPLE, HE'S A REBEL CLONE!!!
posted by P.o.B. at 2:22 PM on May 11, 2011


sooooo, please tell me I wasn't the only one who clicked the Jobs link hoping it would work
posted by meeshell at 2:27 PM on May 11, 2011


Sadly, even this victory likely won't satisfy Vader's critics -- they can't stand that he is black.

Ho!
posted by mazola at 2:42 PM on May 11, 2011


Alderaan was an inside job!

Yeah, I stole that from the comments.
posted by The Great Big Mulp at 5:15 PM on May 11, 2011


Alas, I couldn't read it. I've reached my 20 article limit.

Does anyone have a link to a version that's not behind the pay deflector?
posted by Verdant at 5:30 PM on May 11, 2011 [8 favorites]


Pretty hilarious, but I'm not sure if I like the comparison of America with the Evil Empire.

also:

“I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.” - Yoda
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 5:39 PM on May 11, 2011 [3 favorites]


...although throwing your enemy down a deep shaft and demolishing their base of operations along with thousands of their troops in a single strike does a pretty good job, too.
posted by obiwanwasabi at 6:04 PM on May 11, 2011


The Gearhut spam is easily the best part of the comments. It's perfect, note for note.

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Orveth, sig, prothium, eleton, tolium, and skevon

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==== SENSORS ====

Electro Photo Receptors, Full-Spectrum Transceivers, Dedicated Energy Receptors, Crystal Gravfield Traps, Hyperwave Signal Intercept, Life Form Indicators. Can't find it here? Then you're not using one of OUR sensors!

==== THERMAL DETONATORS ====

Call ahead for pricing.

==== DRIOIDS FOR SALE ====

Droids of all types: Cheap!!!
Power Converters: 15% off!

posted by Ghidorah at 6:40 PM on May 11, 2011 [3 favorites]


Artw: "What's a nubian?"

Twenty credits, same as on Coruscant.
posted by Rhaomi at 7:09 PM on May 11, 2011 [6 favorites]


I don't know why, but this one:
Can anybody explain to me why in some publications his name is spelled "Obi-Wan" and in others it is spelled "Ubi-Wan"?
Made me utterly bust up laughing. I'm still chuckling, hours later.
posted by Conrad Cornelius o'Donald o'Dell at 12:00 AM on May 12, 2011 [5 favorites]


Tattooine is the graveyard of empires, we need to get out now!!! The Jawa droid strikes are turning the local populace against us.
posted by benzenedream at 12:29 PM on May 12, 2011 [1 favorite]


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