The goal of the polity is not to put homosexuals in jail. The goal is to discourage people from engaging in homosexual practices in the first place, and, when they nevertheless proceed in their homosexual behavior, to encourage them to do so discreetly, so as not to shake the confidence of the community in the polity's ability to provide rules for safe, stable, dependable marriage and family relationships.
This applies also to the polity, the citizens at large. Laws against homosexual behavior Mormon worship should remain on the books, not to be indiscriminately enforced against anyone who happens to be caught violating them, but to be used when necessary to send a clear message that those who flagrantly violate society's regulation of sexual religious behavior cannot be permitted to remain as acceptable, equal citizens within that society.
The goal of the polity is not to put homosexuals Mormons in jail. The goal is to discourage people from engaging in homosexual practices Mormon worship in the first place, and, when they nevertheless proceed in their homosexual behavior Mormonosity, to encourage them to do so discreetly, so as not to shake the confidence of the community in the polity's ability to provide rules for safe, stable, dependable marriage religious expresssion and family relationships.
kurosawa's pal: Do you know how to deal with the crushing weight of existential dread
clockzero: I certainly don't know how to deal with existential dread.
On the other hand, because I had no external context, it seemed to me that all the guys everywhere could always be on the verge of falling into homosexual behavior. It was something that drew me, so it MUST draw all the other guys, and it was only sheer willpower coupled with the fortuitous discover of that One Special Woman who you would marry and live with forever that could keep those feelings at bay and banish them for always.
AS FOR MY own story, I did not marry a gay man, but I
was engaged to one, Matthew, in 1988, after we fell in
love at first sight. The story has a reasonably happy
ending: he had enough integrity and wisdom that he could not
permit himself to marry me, knowing that however much he
loved me, he would never lose his attraction to men. But it
took four years of my wheedling and prodding and begging to
extract that confession from him; before that, he kept insisting
that his refusal to marry me had nothing to do with sexual orientation,
that it was because I wasn’t the right woman for him.
Given how much I loved him, the whole thing absolutely tortured me.
His admission that he was gay was a genuine gift,
because it allowed me to stop hoping and get on with my life,
and from the day he made that admission, I have never ceased
to be grateful that he wouldn’t marry me.
"“...I'm saying that men who know about their sexuality at the time they’re courting straight women, and fail to tell those women, are engaging in patriarchy and misogyny.”
I'm one of the unfortunately ones to get caught up in this cycle. Where I grew up in Utah, I only knew a handful of people who weren't Mormon and they were to be avoided. I didn't know any LGBTQ people, and I had always been taught that they had been deceived by the devil. I was a very good Mormon girl, so there was no chance that I could be a lesbian. I still remember when my mom and dad went on a date night to see "Boys on the Side" and they came home early -- they walked out due to there being lesbian content.
The only boy I was remotely attracted to in high school looked more like Legolas than anything, long hair and feminine features. That should have been a clue.
I got a full scholarship to the University of Utah and left home. But after my first year, I had fallen in love with my best friend, who was who I had been told to be waiting for my entire life. Return missionary, worthy priesthood holder. At 19, I dropped out of college, gave up my scholarship and married him in the temple. I moved to California to start my own new happy Mormon family.
It was until our wedding night that I realized how much trouble I was in. We had remained "chaste" until that night, and when I was was in that intimate position, I felt zero attraction. Horror sunk in. I was "married for eternity" and there was zero sexual desire. I gave it my best shot for a while, but no matter how much I followed the "gospel" or what I tried, it just wasn't working. I fell into a deep depression, wondering how heavenly father could leave me in such a position after I had been so faithful and given up my home, my scholarship, what felt like everything, for what he wanted. And then I felt guilty for doubting "his plan."
Eventually I fought my way out of the depression, found a job and got back my independence. The internet helped me fact-check the claims of the church and I realized it couldn't possibly be true. My mind was free. I learned what a double-bind was and how duped I had been for all of my life. My husband left the church with me. I sent my parents a letter telling them that I had left the church. When my mom found out, it was non-stop crying, calling and emailing me begging to reconsider, begging me to not leave their eternal family. It went on for months and months without stop.
I realized that friendship was not enough for me to stay in a marriage. I decided to get a divorce and try to figure out my sexuality. I found a job in a different city and moved. I didn't give my family my new address or phone number to get some rest from the constant harassment for my "soul."
After about 6 months, I let them start writing me letters. Years later, we now talk on the phone every few weeks. If they start talking about my soul, or the times they've seen angels, I keep my boundaries and end the call. But I'm still scared to death to tell them that I'm a lesbian. I have a partner of 3.5 years, that they know nothing about. I'm scared to tell them because I know in their minds it will be confirmation that because I've left the church, Satan is corrupting my life and leading me further down the path of sin. And that breaks my heart. No matter what I do, I can never escape the dogma. Although I have my own life, and have created my own family with fantastic friends, there's still a part of me that the Mormon church latches on to, that I struggle to be free.
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