This recipe is rated 'Easy'

May 20, 2011 1:18 PM

Paula Deen's recipe for English peas. Read the recipe. Then read the comments.
posted by jacquilynne (227 comments total)

OMG - That is genius! Check out Sandra Lee's Chocolate Truffle recipe too. How does Food Network even pretend to be remotely related to genuine cooking?
posted by helmutdog at 1:23 PM on May 20, 2011 [6 favorites]

I haven't had a pea in weeks....
posted by chavenet at 1:24 PM on May 20, 2011

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHHAAA
posted by nikoniko at 1:24 PM on May 20, 2011 [5 favorites]

Great recipe. Now that I know how to make this I no longer have to buy "Peas in butter sauce" from those price gouging bastard Birds Eye.
posted by Ad hominem at 1:24 PM on May 20, 2011 [5 favorites]

At some point we're going to change the name of butter to "Deen", and also change the name of bacon to "Deen", so when kids of the future come bounding down the stairs for their delicious breakfast of deen-fried deen with toast and deen, we can smile indulgently and say, "Sure, kids, go ahead and deen that up," when they ask for extra deen for their deen-deens.
posted by ardgedee at 1:25 PM on May 20, 2011 [34 favorites]

Paula's Fried Butter Balls
posted by Threeway Handshake at 1:25 PM on May 20, 2011 [3 favorites]

I followed your instructions, and with a few modifications, this FPP turned out to be a wonderful way to kill an afternoon.

Here's what I did: Instead of reading the Paula Deen recipe, I took the dog out for a walk and instead of following up the walk by reading the comments, I fired up Grooveshark and listened to three straight hours of XTC.

I'll be sure to recommend this FPP to all my friends.
posted by notyou at 1:27 PM on May 20, 2011 [35 favorites]

This... this wasn't a joke. It wasn't satire. That was really what they thought they could get away with.

Holy shit, the hubris is jaw dropping.

VIVA CALIGULA!
posted by Slackermagee at 1:27 PM on May 20, 2011 [3 favorites]

Paula Deen looks like that fake varnished turkey George W. Bush went prancing around Iraq with.
posted by dunkadunc at 1:28 PM on May 20, 2011 [3 favorites]

This was fantastic! I didn't have these ingredients on hand, so instead of butter I used vodka. I traded peas for an olive and iced it down instead of heating it up. I'm still hungry, but who cares!!
posted by octothorpe at 1:28 PM on May 20, 2011 [38 favorites]

Don't fuh-get, you can always substitute a quartah stick of butter if you're outta peas, y'all.
posted by 2bucksplus at 1:28 PM on May 20, 2011 [7 favorites]

I'm not even going to say what those chocolate truffles reminded me of.

Also, the English peas recipe left with a strange sensation, as of my arteries slowly clogging while I slowly drown, gasping with all my might, in an obscene quantity of butter.
posted by thomas j wise at 1:29 PM on May 20, 2011

There is only one true Food Network horror: The Kwanzaa Cake.
posted by WinnipegDragon at 1:29 PM on May 20, 2011 [21 favorites]

OMG:

"This was outstanding! I did make a couple modifications. I eliminated the butter, and in place of the peas I substituted one can of Chef Boyardee spaghetti and meatballs."

LOL! :-D
posted by darkstar at 1:29 PM on May 20, 2011 [1 favorite]

left *me* with a strange sensation
posted by thomas j wise at 1:30 PM on May 20, 2011

If you find this recipe a little bit too complex, you might want to start with Rachel Ray's recipe for pineapple wedges instead.
posted by usonian at 1:31 PM on May 20, 2011 [3 favorites]

Just looking at that Kwanzaa cake made me feel a bit nauseous.
posted by dunkadunc at 1:31 PM on May 20, 2011

At some point we're going to change the name of butter to "Deen"

I'll never look at that scene in "Last Tango In Paris" the same way again.
posted by tommasz at 1:31 PM on May 20, 2011 [9 favorites]

Cheesy Ham and Banana Casserole
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 1:32 PM on May 20, 2011 [2 favorites]

There's nothing wrong with butter. There is, however, a whole lot wrong with Paula Deen.
posted by dunkadunc at 1:33 PM on May 20, 2011 [1 favorite]

That's funny as hell!
posted by DizzyLeaf at 1:33 PM on May 20, 2011

There is only one true Food Network horror: The Kwanzaa Cake.

Every time I see that monstrosity I feel a bizarre combination of shame, terror, and pride that this terrifying woman is dating my governor. I keep waiting to see an interview of him where he's got a glob of cheez whiz on his tie or something.
posted by elizardbits at 1:33 PM on May 20, 2011

Late Night Bacon, while we're at it.
posted by cobaltnine at 1:33 PM on May 20, 2011 [11 favorites]

Pretty much all of Sandra Lee's recipes are like this.
posted by domo at 1:34 PM on May 20, 2011

Go ahead and laugh, but this is about where my cooking skills are at.
posted by desjardins at 1:34 PM on May 20, 2011 [6 favorites]

"Most TV cooking is repulsive. Frathouse cocksuckers with gimmick hairdos and catch phrases, hooting and hi-fiving, "bringing it," celebrating gluttonous sports bar chow. Dipshits abbreviating their ingredients and making childish, cutesy-poo "comfort food" full of "yummy veggies," shit like that. Detestable. You can spot the people who have their shit together because they don't have to tell you how delicious their food is. Of the people who cook on television, I have admired people like Jacques Pepin, Julia Child, Mario Batali, Jamie Oliver and a few others because they are free of drama, display good taste and masterful technique, and use clear exposition to bring you up to speed. From that description you'd think I'd like the Martha Stewart cooking shows, but all that mealy, beige country club food looks like I could only choke it down under threat of prison." -Steve Albini
posted by Threeway Handshake at 1:34 PM on May 20, 2011 [48 favorites]

I had to give up after: "So, I peed all over a half a stick of butter..."
posted by OneMonkeysUncle at 1:34 PM on May 20, 2011 [1 favorite]

22 comments, and nothing yet? Fine. I'LL do it...

All we are saying, is give Peas a chance!"
posted by Debaser626 at 1:34 PM on May 20, 2011 [2 favorites]

There are two Paula Deens. One looks like a normal 60 year old woman and the other is a grimacing toddler pageant contestant.
posted by theodolite at 1:34 PM on May 20, 2011

That is genius! Check out Sandra Lee's Chocolate Truffle recipe too.

I'd never thought about adding sugar to frosting and eating it before. Now I am seriously considering it.
posted by Ad hominem at 1:35 PM on May 20, 2011 [6 favorites]

Deen with it
posted by The Whelk at 1:35 PM on May 20, 2011 [5 favorites]

This is the best Paul Deen recipe ever.
posted by yarly at 1:37 PM on May 20, 2011 [5 favorites]

This one just killed me:

This recipe was fantastic! I am a house cat, and after making this recipe I was able to speak english for roughly 30 seconds! I can't wait to try this wimeow meow meow meow meow meow.
posted by WinnipegDragon at 1:37 PM on May 20, 2011 [139 favorites]

That's gourmet cooking (i.e. requires 2 whole ingredients) compared to Rachel Ray's late night bacon.
posted by DU at 1:37 PM on May 20, 2011 [1 favorite]

haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahah
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 1:38 PM on May 20, 2011 [1 favorite]

I KNOW IT'S YOU EVELYN!
posted by headnsouth at 1:38 PM on May 20, 2011 [14 favorites]

"Due to a power outage, I threw the cans of peas into the fireplace. They exploded before I could butter the outsides."
Love it.
posted by msbutah at 1:38 PM on May 20, 2011 [5 favorites]

Boiled Water
posted by utsutsu at 1:39 PM on May 20, 2011

yarly: This is the best Paul Deen recipe ever.

Spoiler: this is the best part - "Place burger patties on English muffins or buns, and if desired, on glazed donuts, as the buns. Top each burger with 2 pieces of bacon and a fried egg."
posted by filthy light thief at 1:39 PM on May 20, 2011 [2 favorites]

Yum, Rachel Ray's late night bacon *bites lip*
posted by 2bucksplus at 1:40 PM on May 20, 2011

I love this recipe. I could do without the peas, though.
posted by bayani at 1:42 PM on May 20, 2011

Is butter a carb?
posted by The Whelk at 1:42 PM on May 20, 2011 [3 favorites]

I just don't understand anything anymore.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 1:43 PM on May 20, 2011 [9 favorites]

That's gourmet cooking (i.e. requires 2 whole ingredients) compared to Rachel Ray's late night bacon.

To be fair, last time "Late Nite Bacon" came up a friend of Rachel Ray's popped in and told us that recipe is an inside joke.He and Rachel like to get high and eat bacon after making love, and she put it on the food network site as an inside joke for him.
posted by Ad hominem at 1:43 PM on May 20, 2011 [8 favorites]

helmutdog: How does Food Network even pretend to be remotely related to genuine cooking?

Anthony Bourdain also wonders. Well, not so much wonders, and points out why it's all dreck.
posted by filthy light thief at 1:43 PM on May 20, 2011 [8 favorites]

Alton Brown is still on that network, right? So it's not completely worthless.
posted by empath at 1:43 PM on May 20, 2011 [4 favorites]

yarly and filthy,

That just a blatant rip off of a Luther.
posted by BobbyDigital at 1:43 PM on May 20, 2011

"Eating bacon after making love" is an impossibility in species where the female devours the male.
posted by DU at 1:44 PM on May 20, 2011 [2 favorites]

Good Eats is no more empath.

Also, knowing the backstory makes late night bacon even more disturbing.
posted by The Whelk at 1:44 PM on May 20, 2011 [1 favorite]

There are dozens of incredibly stupid recipes on the Food Network site (Frozen Grapes is a personal favorite), but this one takes the cake in the comments department, quite literally.
posted by ob1quixote at 1:44 PM on May 20, 2011 [2 favorites]

people like Jacques Pepin, Julia Child, Mario Batali, Jamie Oliver

aren't regular people that the unwashed, filthy masses can relate to. And we know what brings in the bucks: eyeballs.

I detest the entire cast of the reality enterprise that is FN, to include the nerd favorite AB for his contribution to the uncultured, but I still have to give each one the deserved congratulations for employing persistence and personality over skills and experience to further their careers, and in the case of Ms. Deen, those of her layabout children.

Also, that easily-lampooned lazy attempt at a buttered pea recipe is just as valid as any other listed on the site or in their books, or listed anywhere else for that matter. It's aimed at their audience and if it resonates with them, then so be it. The FN has a responsibility to their audience and grass-fed organic braised sheepshead ain't where's it at.

And here I am defending Paula Deen.
posted by jsavimbi at 1:44 PM on May 20, 2011 [2 favorites]

you might want to start with Rachel Ray's recipe for pineapple wedges instead

---

- Perhaps you might like the grapefruit?

- How's it done?

- Well... it's halved... with a cherry in the center...
posted by Trurl at 1:46 PM on May 20, 2011

ok help me out here...is Sandra Lee actually an alcoholic? What's with all the Sandrunk Lee stuff in the comments?
posted by spicynuts at 1:49 PM on May 20, 2011

A recipe is a way to make food. There are all kinds of food: simple food, complex food, food that grows out of the ground, food that once had blood in it, food with two ingredients and 10 minutes of prep time, and food which requires ingredients to age for years or decades upon end. We all like some of it and don't like other kinds of it, and while it may kill us or make us really unhealthy if we do it wrong, it's all tied very closely to where we grew up and how we live, so it's pretty darn personal.

Cable TV is just a bunch of different kinds of content designed to hook a particular demographic. FN doesn't define what food is any more than MTV defines what music is, or porn defines what sex is.
posted by Apropos of Something at 1:50 PM on May 20, 2011 [2 favorites]

Rachel Ray's Vegetarian Chili was a goddamn life-saver when I was living with a vegetarian. I made that shit at least once a week.
posted by empath at 1:51 PM on May 20, 2011 [2 favorites]

Absurd recipe - the canned frosting pretending to be truffles. Who has room in the refrigerator for 2 cookie sheets?
posted by Cranberry at 1:51 PM on May 20, 2011 [3 favorites]

ok help me out here...is Sandra Lee actually an alcoholic? What's with all the Sandrunk Lee stuff in the comments?

On her show, in between her poor excuses for "cooking" and her absurd "tablescapes," she makes lots of boozy drinks.
posted by dnash at 1:52 PM on May 20, 2011 [1 favorite]

spicynuts:

Sandra Lee's ...show devotes an unseemly amount of time toward the elaborate and very strong cocktails you'll make for each meal, poured from a pitcher into very large (and thematically consistent!) glasses.

The fact that she dresses up like Repressed Housewife Barbie and her meals consist of microwaving pre-packaged chicken, it's easy to get a mothers little helper motif going.
posted by The Whelk at 1:52 PM on May 20, 2011 [17 favorites]

I like Paula Deen. As an entertainer, I mean. I'd love to have drinks with that woman - well, her television persona, anyway.

That being said, can I substitute frozen peas for canned?
posted by giraffe at 1:53 PM on May 20, 2011 [1 favorite]

I want to try it, but I can't find these 'English Peas' over here. Only 'Peas'.
posted by Not Supplied at 1:54 PM on May 20, 2011

"Eating bacon after making love" is an impossibility in species where the female devours the male.

Not for pigs it isn't.
posted by ian1977 at 1:55 PM on May 20, 2011 [19 favorites]

Work's over, and I find this thread, so I am giggling happily. That truffle recipe is the nastiest thing I ever heard of, but Sandra Lee always does cocktails on her show, therefore Sandra Lee = awesome.

Seriously, I love MetaFilter so much. {hugs everyone}
posted by theora55 at 1:56 PM on May 20, 2011 [11 favorites]

Everything is made English by pouring butter over it! That's how they gained control of Ireland!
posted by Astro Zombie at 1:56 PM on May 20, 2011 [33 favorites]

I say this in Food Network threads, but Paula Deen is way more entertaining if you think of it as a surreal family drama with a cooking show as a framing device.

Like whenever her son is on, it teeters close into a Tennessee Williams play about unspoken desires and butter-based sublimation.
posted by The Whelk at 1:56 PM on May 20, 2011 [43 favorites]

Thanks, everyone. Ever since they took amazing shows like Molto Mario off of Food Network and replaced them with the shit Steve Albini talks about above, I've stopped watching that network entirely. I mean, every time I look at their lineup on the Guide, it's 6 hours of Unwrapped a day!
posted by spicynuts at 1:57 PM on May 20, 2011 [1 favorite]

She frightens me. Standing in the checkout line at the supermarket, I see her staring at me from a hundred magazine covers with that ever un-channging expression that looks like somebody lacquered her face over like some porcelain doll. It gives me cold chills.
posted by lordrunningclam at 1:59 PM on May 20, 2011 [2 favorites]

Ha! This made me laugh out loud. My daughter goes to college in Savannah, GA, where Paula Deen's restaurants are. All the college kids say everything there is served with a side of butter. My Mom insisted that she HAD to eat at The Lady & Sons when we were down there recently, and needless to say it was not any better (and a little bit worse) than quite a few of the restaurants we tried while there.

Oh well, at least now my Mom can say she's been there!
posted by garnetgirl at 2:00 PM on May 20, 2011

Unwrapped is the poor man's Mister Rogers segment/How It's Made.
posted by giraffe at 2:00 PM on May 20, 2011 [3 favorites]

I had never seen Paula Deen in action, so I googled and oh my god please stop
posted by eugenen at 2:01 PM on May 20, 2011 [3 favorites]

Molto Mario was a great show. Maybe my favorite cooking show ever (if it hadn't had So. Many. Commercials)

The rest of the Food Network is awful.
posted by jeff-o-matic at 2:02 PM on May 20, 2011 [2 favorites]

It's candy. It's all made the same. Like, wtf?? Same thing with shows like that Zimmerman dude who eats weird stuff. After a point, he's gonna eat all the weird stuff there is, so what's the point?
posted by spicynuts at 2:02 PM on May 20, 2011

I think if Sandra Lee was actually an alcoholic, a blog post of her making drunk faces wouldn't be funny anymore, so I'm voting for no. I guess it got to be a thing because she very often includes a cocktail recipe as part of her show and quite often would over pour the alcohol in these recipes.
posted by ob1quixote at 2:04 PM on May 20, 2011 [1 favorite]

Since nobody has linked it yet.
posted by Ad hominem at 2:04 PM on May 20, 2011 [2 favorites]

After a point, he's gonna eat all the weird stuff there is, so what's the point?

Then he starts on sheet metals. I've met Zimmern. The guy has teeth like Jaws from the James Bond movies. I once saw him take a bite out of the side of a building.
posted by Astro Zombie at 2:04 PM on May 20, 2011 [2 favorites]

Really, just a few ounces of butter?

Real English Peas need butter and cream

(Totally Takei for Two Fat Ladies for more than a decade now.)
posted by bonehead at 2:06 PM on May 20, 2011 [8 favorites]

As Jamie Oliver says: 'Easy Peasy."
posted by ericb at 2:06 PM on May 20, 2011

This one just killed me:

This recipe was fantastic! I am a house cat, and after making this recipe I was able to speak english for roughly 30 seconds! I can't wait to try this wimeow meow meow meow meow meow.

I laughed so hard at this my cat came over and started meowing at me.
posted by sweetkid at 2:08 PM on May 20, 2011 [10 favorites]

They forgot the last part of her recipe:

Peas optional.
posted by Splunge at 2:08 PM on May 20, 2011 [1 favorite]

Alton Brown is still on that network, right? So it's not completely worthless.

Well, technically, yes, he's still on, but "Good Eats" apparently aired its last regular episode about two weeks ago, so other than a couple of Thanksgiving specials in the fall, that's over with. He's still hosting "Iron Chef America" and maybe some other stuff, as far as I know, but still...

Food Network seems to pretty far along in transitioning from a channel about how to make food to one about watching other people make food.
posted by Godbert at 2:11 PM on May 20, 2011 [1 favorite]

If you're looking for better cooking shows, the new (one year old) Cooking Channel has a few I think are decent. I like "French Food at Home" and "Chuck's Day Off." They also show old original Julia Child shows. "David Rocco's Dolce Vita" has some nice easy Italian food, but the show is too heavy on the smarmy "look at my fabulous life in Italy" glamour shots.

Also they now have "The Minimalist," compiled from years of the videos Mark Bittman did for the New York Times website.
posted by dnash at 2:11 PM on May 20, 2011 [1 favorite]

Actually, it's not just "other people mak[ing] food"; it's more like a mix of "other people make food in a contest setting" (which is naturally of no help to the home cook) and "hey watch someone eat someone else's food."
posted by Godbert at 2:13 PM on May 20, 2011 [1 favorite]

ob1quixote: "I think if Sandra Lee was actually an alcoholic, a blog post of her making drunk faces wouldn't be funny anymore"

And that is a delicious, sweet treat of lemonade, heavy cream, and vodka
posted by boo_radley at 2:14 PM on May 20, 2011 [15 favorites]

Wait, wouldn't the acid curdle the cream?
posted by ryanrs at 2:15 PM on May 20, 2011

You haven't watched the video!
posted by boo_radley at 2:16 PM on May 20, 2011 [1 favorite]

No if you drink it fast enough.
posted by 2bucksplus at 2:17 PM on May 20, 2011 [1 favorite]

I eliminated the butter, and in place of the peas I substituted one can of Chef Boyardee spaghetti and meatballs.

Two weeks ago CBS Sunday Morning did an interesting segment on Chef Boyardee -- who was a real chef.
posted by ericb at 2:18 PM on May 20, 2011 [1 favorite]

FN doesn't define what food is any more than MTV defines what music is, or porn defines what sex is.

After viewing porn I'm eager for real sex and after viewing MTV I need to hear real music. But after viewing the Food Network, I'm usually disgusted by the whole idea of "food".
posted by BitterOldPunk at 2:19 PM on May 20, 2011 [7 favorites]

Heh, I have made late night meals at the office with peas, milk, and lemon juice. It's slightly more involved than maixing all the ingredients in a giant mug, though. But with the right recipe, peas, milk, and lemons can be awesome.
posted by ryanrs at 2:24 PM on May 20, 2011

I auditioned to host a show on Travel Channel.

The powers that be were very clear that their shows were not intended for people who actually travel, but rather for people who watch television.

My mom (who once sighed, while watching Rachel Ray, "I wish CINDY had a career") would have been SO chuffed.

Anyone calls me Cindy, I'll kill you."
posted by cyndigo at 2:26 PM on May 20, 2011 [1 favorite]

Apropos of... something I'm sure, I have recently discovered My Drunk Kitchen.
posted by Devils Rancher at 2:28 PM on May 20, 2011 [18 favorites]

Anyone calls me Cindy, I'll kill you.

Lighten up, Cindy.
posted by Devils Rancher at 2:30 PM on May 20, 2011 [12 favorites]

Peas, mayo, onions and pickles...............
posted by bjgeiger at 2:30 PM on May 20, 2011

What are Hell's burger toppings, Alex?
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 2:31 PM on May 20, 2011 [14 favorites]

Peas, mayo, onions and pickles...............

Add some lettuce, bacon, shredded cheddar, and a little grated parm to the top, and you have a salad my grandmother and mother have been making for years that's always consumed to the last bit (minus the pickles usually).
posted by pupdog at 2:34 PM on May 20, 2011 [2 favorites]

Gee, thanks boo_radley! Now I'm going to hell instead of getting raptured in four hours for laughing at that. ;P
posted by ob1quixote at 2:37 PM on May 20, 2011

I dunno, but now I have a craving for peas. Imma go get peas now.
posted by sweetkid at 2:39 PM on May 20, 2011 [1 favorite]

Cheesy Ham and Banana Casserole

Are you fucking kidding me?
posted by mr_crash_davis at 2:41 PM on May 20, 2011

Devils Rancher: "Apropos of... something I'm sure, I have recently discovered My Drunk Kitchen"

I like it, but it needs more drunkenness.

Oh wait. It happens.
posted by dunkadunc at 2:42 PM on May 20, 2011 [4 favorites]

I Make this pea recipe a lot, I was led to believe it was a traditional italian dish , but I kind of doubt it.

Mashed Peas

2 cans (it has GOT to be cans, not frozen) of peas.
minced garlic.
olive oil.
Salt and black pepper.

Brown garlic with olive oil in a pan over medium heat.
Add cans of peas sans pea juice.
Cook peas until hot.
Mash peas with fork.
Add salt and black pepper to taste.
posted by Ad hominem at 2:45 PM on May 20, 2011 [1 favorite]

Devils Rancher: "Apropos of... something I'm sure, I have recently discovered My Drunk Kitchen"


That was WAY better than I thought it would be.
posted by sweetkid at 2:46 PM on May 20, 2011

If you like this you'll appreciate Rachael Ray's Late Night Bacon, or even this amazing guide to making ice cubes.
posted by livejamie at 2:46 PM on May 20, 2011

Thanks, filthy light thief:

"Like her look-alike, Divine in the classic, “Female Trouble.“ Paula Deen on a Baltimore Killing Spree would be something to see." Oh, Bourdain. Don't ever change.
posted by MonkeyToes at 2:50 PM on May 20, 2011 [2 favorites]

There is only one true Food Network horror: The Kwanzaa Cake.

The Kwanzaa Cake is the only recipe that's so bad it's vaguely racist.
posted by enlarged to show texture at 2:50 PM on May 20, 2011 [18 favorites]

My favorite Sandra Lee recipe is for crab bisque. Ingredient one: a can of crab bisque.
posted by DrGirlfriend at 2:52 PM on May 20, 2011

The Kwanzaa Cake is the only recipe that's so bad it's vaguely racist.

I had that thought, enlarged, but couldn't figure out how to justify it.
posted by sweetkid at 2:58 PM on May 20, 2011

Rachel's Ray Lemon Sorbet
Ingredients:

* 1 pint lemon sorbet
* 2 (1/2 pint) containers raspberries or blackberries or a combination of both
* Several sprigs fresh mint, shredded
posted by nooneyouknow at 2:59 PM on May 20, 2011

My pea recipe:
1. Go into garden, probably without shoes
2. Pick plump pod of peas from pea plant
3. Open
4. Dump peas into mouth
5. Absentmindedly eat the pod while remembering that the neighbor's cat likes to poop in your garden
6. Forget to write reminder to buy garden clogs

FIN
posted by Alison at 3:05 PM on May 20, 2011 [28 favorites]

Man have I got a great recipe for Kraft Macaroni & Cheese. Food Network, where's *my* TV show?
posted by The Winsome Parker Lewis at 3:11 PM on May 20, 2011

I don't profess to be a gourmand, but Alton Brown brings it. Consistently.

And let me also just say I have a recipe that involves Jamie Oliver, me and a stick of butter that is molto eh-spicy!
posted by darkstar at 3:12 PM on May 20, 2011 [9 favorites]

You guys might laugh but whatever manager within a manager deep in the bowels of the Food Network cubicle farm should get a nice fucking bonus this year. They're getting a great infusion of Google love from being linked to by high quality (in Google terms) sites like Metafilter, generating new ... even if ironic comments via the comment section and doing everything else that sites like eHow wish they could.
posted by geoff. at 3:17 PM on May 20, 2011 [1 favorite]

Man, just reading that recipe beat any Flash Friday post ever. At least they call it the Food Network instead of using words like cooking, recipes, etc. Just open a can of Food and eat it. Oh, and don't forget to put in a bunch of butter. That's what chefs do, right?

I have never been able to forget this particular piece of Americana: out of WWII came the tradition/science of pre-prepared foods. So Betty Crocker and the other food corporations jumped on the bandwagon and made pre-prepared cake recipes etc. BUT they required the addition of such things as eggs and milk. Why? Not because eggs and milk couldn't be powdered and added to the cake mix, but they wanted to give the housewives the illusion that they were COOKING.

The Food Network doesn't care about that much, I guess. Totally hilarious.
posted by kozad at 3:20 PM on May 20, 2011 [3 favorites]

manager within a manager deep in the bowels of the Food Network

Management turducken.
posted by ryanrs at 3:21 PM on May 20, 2011 [31 favorites]

Stuff like The Food Network makes me think that America will never redeem itself as a country, because Americans have no fucking good taste. They actually like this shit. TV networks are just supplying the demand.

(lies down on bed, depressed)
posted by dunkadunc at 3:27 PM on May 20, 2011

yarly: This is the best Paul Deen recipe ever.

Wow.
posted by Hairy Lobster at 3:28 PM on May 20, 2011

There is only one true Food Network horror: The Kwanzaa Cake.

First Girlfriend of the great State of New York REPRESENT!
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 3:36 PM on May 20, 2011

That's not Deen's receipt for English peas, it's my Mom's.

But seriously, in the late 1950's and early 1960's, when I was growing up, canned vegetables were still generally superior to frozen vegetables in terms of quality (refrigerated trucking being more art than science in those distant days), and once local spring and summer vegetables were gone in winter's darkness, were pretty much the only exposure to vegetable matter many Americans had, other than dried goods like beans and raisins, and root cellar fruits and vegetables like apples, onions and turnips. Believe it or not, nutritionally, some canned vegetables are still superior to their frozen, and even fresh, versions. I remember Del Monte and other large commercial canners used to run TV ads trumpeting the quality and taste of their products, compared to fresh produce, with the kicker that if you bought Del Monte canned products, you got all the food you paid for (instead of having to put up with inevitable spoilage at home of fresh produce).
posted by paulsc at 3:42 PM on May 20, 2011 [1 favorite]

Cheesy Peas
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 3:42 PM on May 20, 2011 [2 favorites]

On and as an actual English person... you don't have butter anywhere near peas. You just boil the fucking life out of them.
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 3:44 PM on May 20, 2011 [3 favorites]

Someone could make a tumblr blog filled only with recipes from Bakespace.
posted by (parenthetic me) at 3:57 PM on May 20, 2011

All vegetables must be boiled for a full year, just to be safe.
posted by WorkingMyWayHome at 3:57 PM on May 20, 2011 [3 favorites]

Wanda's Macaroni Salad. Bon appetit.
posted by Sticherbeast at 3:59 PM on May 20, 2011 [1 favorite]

I'm slightly obsessed with Sandra Lee. The most amazing thing about her show about how-to-cook-cheaply is when she shows you a serving of food that would feed one person with a hearty appetite and then says "This serves four!"

Best ever version of this is when she was explaining that some horrible soup she had made served four, and then she grimaced and said "My producer said I have to say it serves four. I think it serves eight."
posted by thehmsbeagle at 4:01 PM on May 20, 2011 [1 favorite]

Rachel Ray's Vegetarian Chili was a goddamn life-saver when I was living with a vegetarian. I made that shit at least once a week.

See, I would have guessed every couple of hours.

/clears throat.
posted by Celsius1414 at 4:04 PM on May 20, 2011 [9 favorites]

Reminds me of this classic thread from the SA food subforum.
posted by chaff at 4:06 PM on May 20, 2011

When you're ready to move on from peas, Lifehacker brings you mashed potatoes for two people.
posted by caek at 4:07 PM on May 20, 2011

"We know a remote farm in Lincolnshire, where Mrs. Buckley lives; every July, peas grow there..."
posted by SNWidget at 4:17 PM on May 20, 2011 [7 favorites]

You scoff, but my roomate buys frozen mashed potatos. It takes longer to microwave it then it would to make mashed potatos from scratch.

That is who these recipes are for.
posted by Ad hominem at 4:23 PM on May 20, 2011 [3 favorites]

paulsc: re: canned vegetables: I'm sure they are nutritionally viable, but the Wikipedia page you linked to discussed migration of potentially dangerous chemicals from the can. Your memories are no doubt correct, but, even aside from this "chemical migration," I can't think of a single vegetable that tastes as good canned as it does frozen. (Beans are a toss-up, though.)
posted by kozad at 4:31 PM on May 20, 2011

There are all kinds of food: simple food, complex food, food that grows out of the ground, food that once had blood in it, food with two ingredients and 10 minutes of prep time, and food which requires ingredients to age for years or decades upon end.

There is also food which belongs to the emperor, embalmed food, food which is trained...
posted by jrochest at 4:35 PM on May 20, 2011 [14 favorites]

Nothing says "true to the spirit of Kwanzaa" like "canned frosting."
posted by Neofelis at 4:38 PM on May 20, 2011 [1 favorite]

frozen mashed potatos

That reminds me of a beer run to the grocery store with a well-lubricated friend of mine that involved him standing in the frozen food aisle, a box of Texas toast in hand, yelling, "I am standing here holding a BOX OF FROZEN TOAST. WHO THE FUCK BUYS BOXED FROZEN TOAST?!?!?"

We almost got arrested.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 4:38 PM on May 20, 2011 [34 favorites]

I am rocking a brotini right now.

ISO 3591:1977 tasting glass
Ice
goldschlager

"I am standing here holding a BOX OF FROZEN TOAST. WHO THE FUCK BUYS BOXED FROZEN TOAST?!?!?"

I've seen that, I had a buddy that "invented" canned rice. Because rice is super hard to make.
posted by Ad hominem at 4:42 PM on May 20, 2011 [1 favorite]

Ad hominem: it's not fair to just take a recipe for refried beans and substitute any old thing for the beans. I mean, seriously.
posted by hippybear at 4:43 PM on May 20, 2011 [1 favorite]

Those comments are hilarious, and that recipe is just crazy. I remember a Fanny Farmer cookbook from when I was a kid, I was amazed to find a recipe for hotdogs. It pretty much just said to take hotdogs, add water, and boil.
posted by drinkyclown at 4:44 PM on May 20, 2011

Secret Life of Gravy's Secret Peas Recipe

Go to the garden and pick enough peas for 2 people. Boil in water for a short time (eat a pea to test for doneness.) Strain. Dot with a little butter and sprinkle with salt. Grate fresh nutmeg over the top.

Seriously. I have always hated peas until I heard about adding nutmeg. Now I love them. It makes a huuuuge difference.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 4:45 PM on May 20, 2011 [1 favorite]

Upon further investigation, "Texas Toast" isn't even toasted and the best selling brand is New York brand Texas Toast.
posted by Ad hominem at 4:56 PM on May 20, 2011

"... I can't think of a single vegetable that tastes as good canned as it does frozen. (Beans are a toss-up, though.)"
posted by kozad

Vacuum packing is still, technically, canning, and I find vacuum packed sweet corn, especially high sugar varieties like Silver Queen, pretty tasty, and consistent in quality compared to frozen. Vacuum packed green beans and carrots also retain good texture (even to the point of being a bit crisp) as well as frozen versions, I think. I think canned beets compare favorably to frozen beets, and canned olives are really the only way to go for most people who eat olives. Canned tomatoes, in all their forms, are indispensable to most cooks, and I don't recall even seeing frozen tomatoes offered for sale. Canned hearts of palm, and artichoke hearts are pretty popular where I live, and I don't ever see frozen versions for sale.
posted by paulsc at 4:58 PM on May 20, 2011 [2 favorites]

If you've made whipped cream yourself, you've likely been the proud recipient of incredulous admiration: "You make your own whipped cream?!"

Don't try to tell me it's not true because I've been there and my Mom lives there and she's whipped cream for her neighbours and this is exactly what they said, and their eyes looked like those punctuation marks. Ditto when she makes vegetables that don't come out of a can or a packet, cake that doesn't come out of a box, and frosting that doesn't come out of a can, or seasons her food with something that wasn't premixed in a jar or *gasp* uses fresh herbs.

Paula Deen's English Peas recipe is for you, Florida. To kick it up a notch, try opening the can with your hands instead of a machine.
posted by obiwanwasabi at 4:58 PM on May 20, 2011 [1 favorite]

Butter was a magic ingredient for my parents, too. Well, actually margarine. And a frying pan. If you need to cook a meal for three, just stick a few unidentified meatish lumps in a frying pan with yesterday's mashed potatoes (or just one or two peeled potatoes, washing optional), dump a can of peas or carrots or beans into a sauce pan, and cook everything with medium heat until the smell fills the kitchen. Nearly every meal for thirteen years was variations on that "recipe," but the two things that never changed were the potato and the margarine. They were the alpha and omega of food.
posted by Kevin Street at 4:58 PM on May 20, 2011

I have to jump on the Food Network smash wagon with the Sandra Lee Induced Seizure mash (NSWF-audio). Has anyone seen this? It is my favourite YouTube video, it's hilarious!
posted by Enki at 5:00 PM on May 20, 2011 [3 favorites]

Threeway Handshake: Paula's Fried Butter Balls

Dear God, before I clicked I thought that was going to be a link to a SNL-style satire, but IT IS REAL.

(Actually, the same could be said about many of the links in this thread.)
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 5:01 PM on May 20, 2011

That made my DAY! Still laughing!
posted by iohyem at 5:03 PM on May 20, 2011

Seriously. I have always hated peas until I heard about adding nutmeg. Now I love them. It makes a huuuuge difference.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 7:45 PM on May 20 [+] [!]

Peas, Proscuitto, white wine and red onion. You're welcome.
posted by sweetkid at 5:03 PM on May 20, 2011 [3 favorites]

Super Sekret Midtown Mojo - the only surviving dive bar in Midtown is located directly across from Rachel Ray's studios. I recommend the roof top smoking lounge.
posted by digitalprimate at 5:04 PM on May 20, 2011

I'm going to leave my favorite meme right here, y'all.
posted by Betty_effn_White at 5:06 PM on May 20, 2011 [5 favorites]

the only surviving dive bar in Midtown is located directly across from Rachel Ray's studios.

On 43rd and 3rd? There is a Blarney stone right there and another bar I forget the name of. On the west side in the 40s there is Port 41, Circus, Rudy's , a whole bunch really.
posted by Ad hominem at 5:15 PM on May 20, 2011

The Kwanzaa cake is baaad, but I found my own ethnic variation was even more repulsicating--it's basically the Kwanzaa cake, but with BLUE icing and substitute a bunch of marshmallows for the apple-goo filling--the Chanukah cake.

She does pronounce 'chanukah' pretty good, though.
posted by hexatron at 5:20 PM on May 20, 2011

I realize it's not a Food Network recipe, but I'll just leave you the delightful lunch that is the Hot Diggity Dog.
Licorice! Onions! It has it all, and kids love it! OK, "love" may not be the appropriate term.
posted by sysinfo at 5:25 PM on May 20, 2011 [2 favorites]

I am so glad you posted this before the rapture.
posted by Maisie at 5:27 PM on May 20, 2011 [5 favorites]

Absurd recipe - the canned frosting pretending to be truffles. Who has room in the refrigerator for 2 cookie sheets?

I do. But I would never defile them with that monstrosity. It's just not that hard to make real truffles!
posted by MissySedai at 5:34 PM on May 20, 2011

I saw this recipe, I swear to god, recently in some magazine I can't remember. I wish I could find a cite but oh well:

EASTER DONUTS

1 box plain donuts
1 can frosting

1. Dip donuts in frosting.
2. Enjoy!
posted by bleep at 5:43 PM on May 20, 2011 [1 favorite]

That's nice, but where's recipe for whirled peas?
posted by secondhand pho at 5:44 PM on May 20, 2011

I laughed so hard I almost pea'd in my pants. I don't read FN recipe posts, but I might start now. Great snark level. That is some great material.


I want to try it, but I can't find these 'English Peas' over here. Only 'Peas'.
posted by Not Supplied at 4:54 PM on May 20 [+] [!]

Reminds me of the joke my son told me when I went to China for first time.

"What do you call Chinese food in Shanghai?"
"I don't know, what?"
"Food"

Also, talking about canned veggies, I loved Del Monte Dilled Green Beans. Loved them. But, alas, they stopped making them. Whenever my mom would ask what we wanted for dinner, I would say dilled green beans. Friggin mom disappointed me every time. But she made up for it with her canned beats recipe. Put in refrigerator. Open can, drain liquid sprinkle with lemon juice and salt, eat.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 5:45 PM on May 20, 2011

The bit about whipping your own cream makes me laugh.

I was invited over to a friend's house for a dinner party. Well I guess technically it was a pot-luck dinner party as we, the guests, each had to bring something. I offered to make dessert as I like to bake, and my friends don't.

I made a German-styled peach coffee cake (from scratch of course) that is best served with fresh whipped cream. So along with the cake, I brought a carton of fresh cream with the intention of whipping it at my friend's house.

Now before I go on, my friend always styled herself as a food and wine expert and a top-notch chef. (For the record, I consider myself a plain, basic cook on the best of days.)

When it came time to serve dessert, I asked my gourmet friend, "where's your mixer?"

"I don't have one."

"Oh, well then do you have a hand beater?"

"No. Why would I?"

"Oh. Well never mind the whipped cream then."

It honestly and truly never occurred to me that she wouldn't have a mixer of some sort. It's just one of those core appliances in my kitchen. Now I'm not talking about a fancy, $500 Kitchen-Aid stand mixer. I just mean a small, hand-held, electric mixer -- the kind of thing that takes up practically no room in a cupboard, but can still be used to whip up pancakes or cake batter or what have you. The type of appliance that actually whips cream faster than the high-end Kitchen-Aid my mother recently bought.

What makes the story even funnier to me is that the next time I ended up taking a cake to a pot luck dinner, I took along a can canister of that whipped cream that is sold in the dairy section of the grocery store. The pot luck was being held on a sailboat with a very, very small and tight galley. I told the hostess the story about my friend's lack of a mixer as an explanation as to why I would inflict ready-made cream on anybody. She laughed, turned around and pulled out her mixer from her miniscule cupboard. She couldn't believe anybody could have a kitchen without one.

(All that said, the canned whipped cream wasn't completely horrible. I bought the one with the fewest ingredients and the highest percentage of actual dairy products.)
posted by sardonyx at 6:08 PM on May 20, 2011 [2 favorites]

Hilarious. Not just as a send-up of the stupid recipe, but as satire of recipe site comments in general. I've been burned more than once by recipes that looked good and had a lot of positive votes, only to find them absolutely inedible; upon going back and reading the reviews, I discover they all say things like "This recipe was delicious, after I cut the salt by three-quarters, swapped half the spices for alternates, and used beef instead of chicken. Great recipe! Five stars!"

What the fuck is wrong with people.
posted by rifflesby at 6:11 PM on May 20, 2011 [5 favorites]

Did your friend not even have a whisk? I've made whipped cream with a whisk before...not fun, not fun at all, but doable.
posted by cooker girl at 6:12 PM on May 20, 2011 [1 favorite]

I've made whipped cream with a whisk, you just need to add cream of tartar. I was forced to try to make it with a spoon once, totally didn't work.
posted by Ad hominem at 6:17 PM on May 20, 2011 [2 favorites]

A few years ago I started hearing the name "Rachel Ray." Not having cable, I had never seen her show but I came across her latest cookbook at the library. I skimmed through the recipes and found "Holiday Olive Platter." The "recipe" was: 1) buy an assortment of olives and 2)arrange them on a plate. There was a picture to help you visualize this platter. I was trying to imagine anyone coming across that recipe and thinking "Oooo, that sounds good! I'll have to try that at my next party."
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 6:23 PM on May 20, 2011

(All that said, the canned whipped cream wasn't completely horrible. I bought the one with the fewest ingredients and the highest percentage of actual dairy products.)

Was it fancy whipped topping? Sandra Lee recommends the "fancy spray stuff" when you make her baked potato ice cream.
posted by betweenthebars at 6:33 PM on May 20, 2011

Now I feel justified buying this, and not feeling like I would just use it for nefarious purposes.

Coming this summer, cold brew coffee + baileys based whipped cream.
posted by mrzarquon at 6:36 PM on May 20, 2011 [1 favorite]

hexatron: She does pronounce 'chanukah' pretty good, though.

That's because she's Jewish! (It's an enlightening read.)
posted by lesli212 at 6:38 PM on May 20, 2011 [2 favorites]

[only vaguely on topic; it's a recipe, sort of]

Oh wow! I just tried using difluoroethane to preserve a half bottle of wine overnight. It worked really, really well. I can't taste any oxidation at all. Difluoroethane is R-152a, commonly used in "canned air" dusters. Dusters with R-134a probably work well, too. Insert the straw into the neck of the wine bottle and slowly blow. The heavier fluorocarbon will displace the air, pushing it up and out. Then cork the bottle.
posted by ryanrs at 6:53 PM on May 20, 2011 [2 favorites]

I can't believe nobody liked the recipe. They probably didn't realize you were supposed to sizzle the peas in the butter. They muft sizzle.
posted by en forme de poire at 7:05 PM on May 20, 2011 [4 favorites]

All this grumble grumble and no Taste by David Rosengarten on DVD grumble grumble only the one who helped create FN grumble grumble back in the early '90s grumble grumble when it still had food-centered vision grumble grumble before it lost its way grumble!

And I too loved the Two Fat Ladies. And that dining review with the lovely blonde lady--Nina was her name??--and the older gentleman, Ron something? And Sara. And and and...sigh. I miss the '90s when everything, the internet, food television, whatever all seemed like an exciting frontier full of passionate possibilities.

Hell, I even think Bourdain's first show, the one on FN before he came out maligning the hell out of the place due to what they were trying to force him into being, was better than No Reservations. No, really.

/lawn, old (not even 30 yet! but that's old these days what with cultural/info acceleration and all...) lady, etc...
posted by ifjuly at 7:06 PM on May 20, 2011 [3 favorites]

The answers are:

1) No. She didn't have a whisk either.

2) The stuff in the can was Reddi-Whip. Surprisingly, it was the least offensive and least chemically-laden product on the shelves. You could have knocked me over with a feather when I realized that. I always figured it would have been among the most artificial of the canned creams. That said, I hope that's the first and the last time I ever end up resorting to canned cream.
posted by sardonyx at 7:07 PM on May 20, 2011

I came here to defend frozen Texas Toast. That stuff is delicious. Throw it in the oven for like five minutes and DONE!. Great sober-up food. Pepperidge Farm is the best.
posted by marble at 7:12 PM on May 20, 2011 [1 favorite]

Bearwife's recipe for approaching this thread:

1. See Paula Deen's name. Wonder how much butter will be in the recipe.

2. Click on recipe. Mild chortle.

3. Click on the comments. Read until tears of laughter block the view. (And wonder if MeFites wrote all that great snark. E.g.: I put the two cans of peas in the pot, but I found the metal can was really difficult to chew through. Did I not use enough butter? )

4. Feel lucky to have gotten to laugh so hard as the world ends here in less than four hours.
posted by bearwife at 7:27 PM on May 20, 2011

I live with an Englishman.

I am, senate willing, about to be married to to this Englishman.

I have learned to deal with this. I can make Yorkshire puddings in my sleep. I know more than eight different ways to make a potato into a meal. I am able to deep fry anything smaller than my head. I can, and have, jellied things.

I do all of this with a smile, except...

This Englishman is a northern Englishman and who grew up in a particular kind of north English town. So when he's feeling I'll or sad or nostalgic, I will make him mushy peas.

And I stand there, with the fork, with the lovely garden peas fresh as morning and green as spring, and I mash them down, hard, with a bit of salt and butter. Because I love him and forgiveness is a virtue.
posted by The Whelk at 7:28 PM on May 20, 2011 [51 favorites]

Awww... Will you and your english husband adopt me? You sound like you're totally adorable. I do come with baggage in the form of a 60 year old Maine native, but he's harmless and love potatoes.
posted by hippybear at 7:35 PM on May 20, 2011

If you are okay with the 30 something Cuban copywriter baggage with his Iowa Aristocrat husband tagging on.

On the upside, dinner is never boring.
posted by The Whelk at 7:38 PM on May 20, 2011

guys the english in the peas isnt the kind its how you spin them and you need the butter for that duh
posted by klangklangston at 7:39 PM on May 20, 2011 [1 favorite]

The Whelk: it sounds like a fabulous household. Do I get to cook once in a while? Will Jeff have someone to accompany him to the Met a few times a season? Are any of you rock-n-rollers who love a great concert?

I think this could all come together swimmingly. We should have our people talk, and see what we can work out.
posted by hippybear at 7:42 PM on May 20, 2011

That reminds me of a beer run to the grocery store with a well-lubricated friend of mine that involved him standing in the frozen food aisle, a box of Texas toast in hand, yelling, "I am standing here holding a BOX OF FROZEN TOAST. WHO THE FUCK BUYS BOXED FROZEN TOAST?!?!?"

Some places in Mexico you can get pre-toasted toast in the grocery store. Like, a loaf of sliced wonderbread with every slice individually toasted, and then reassembled back into a loaf and stuck back in the bright plastic wonderbread bag. I was completely flabbergasted the first time I ran into it.
posted by nebulawindphone at 7:44 PM on May 20, 2011 [8 favorites]

Historically speaking it all ends in needle drugs and tell all books.
posted by The Whelk at 7:44 PM on May 20, 2011 [2 favorites]

I'm okay with that as long as we have a solid decade of good times before the tabloids start writing about us.
posted by hippybear at 7:46 PM on May 20, 2011

Okay but you have to be cool with all the fake wives for the sake of green cards. So many fake wives.
posted by The Whelk at 7:47 PM on May 20, 2011

That's only one fake wife a piece, right? More than that is bigamy. (Well, it's also big-a-you.)
posted by hippybear at 7:53 PM on May 20, 2011

I personally like this recipe for roast chicken. Although my husband probably likes it more.
posted by SLC Mom at 7:55 PM on May 20, 2011 [1 favorite]

Substituted the butter with half a can of blue raspberry-flavored Four Loko. Greatest pea soup i've ever tasted. Thanks Paula!

Not sure why, but that was the one that really got me.
posted by lillygog at 8:00 PM on May 20, 2011

I want to see both Paula Deen and Sandra Lee make ice cubes.
posted by loquacious at 8:03 PM on May 20, 2011 [1 favorite]

I assume you meant to say make out.
posted by The Whelk at 8:06 PM on May 20, 2011 [4 favorites]

/me makes out with The Whelk and whomever else he has in his household

I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention. What did you say?
posted by hippybear at 8:09 PM on May 20, 2011

you can get pre-toasted toast

I am seized with the urge to do this and plant it in my local Safeway. Mmmm, non-sequitur food products.

They'll charge me with terrorism, won't they?
posted by ryanrs at 8:14 PM on May 20, 2011 [1 favorite]

You know the recipe is a little ridiculous, but when I make peas I use maybe two more ingredients,and use frozen peas, but I don't really see how that's more "real cooking." I also don't really see the utility of making fun of people for enjoy something that contains a vegetable and is probably genuinely fairly tasty. On the otherhand, I'm just some prole who doesn't really give a damn if whip cream is homemade, so maybe ya'll's elitism isn't for me.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 8:18 PM on May 20, 2011 [1 favorite]

I assume you meant to say make out.

I assume you meant to say make out in butter and vodka.

Which is what I was assuming they would each somehow manage to do to ice cubes. No, not make out - butter and vodka. Ice cubes. Or something.
posted by loquacious at 8:19 PM on May 20, 2011 [1 favorite]

Re: I haven't had a pea in weeks....

That must have been painful.
posted by mike3k at 8:28 PM on May 20, 2011

They'll charge me with terrorism, won't they?

SEC 103.178(B) UNAUTHORIZED TAMPERING WITH AND ILLICIT TOASTING OF BREAD PRODUCTS


I never could figure out the pre-toasted bread thing. It's basically just really dry, crusty, hard bread like Melba toast, and wherever you can find pre-toasted bread (usually made by Bimbo) there's also usually something that is more or less Melba toast. Small, toasted squares of bread about 1/4th the size of a common sandwich slice. I'm not sure if there's really any difference between the two products except for size. I've had both and they taste like very bland, dry, crunchy melba toast. Like a loaf of white bread that's been precisely toasted and then completely dried out.

The thing that's weird to me is I grew up in LA and I've known a lot of Mexican families and I've never seen any pre-toasted bread in their kitchens, nor have I ever seen a Mexican, Mexican-American or California-Hispanic person eating the stuff. In fact it was kind of rare to actually see bread in general. Cookies? Yes. Snacky cakes? Yes! Tortillas, sopas and other flatbreads? Yes, in corn, flour or wheat. Bread? No, haven't seen it.

Apparently someone is buying the stuff, and my experiences are obviously anecdotal and not scientific. It's just weird to me. I've seen that toasted bread in any grocery store or corner store that catered to a Hispanic population and that has a Bimbo bakery rack but I've never actually seen anyone buy or eat the stuff.

This whole time I've been intensely curious as to how it's commonly enjoyed. Is it a soup cracker for soaking up some menudo? Do you butter it or put jam on it? Do you just crunch on it plain? Is it mainly just a snack for teething babies like zwiebeck? Is it broken into bits and used in a recipe?
posted by loquacious at 8:35 PM on May 20, 2011 [1 favorite]

Metafilter: for a week my poop smelled like butterscotch, and had glitter all over it.
posted by Naberius at 8:36 PM on May 20, 2011 [1 favorite]

Flour and butter roux. Add 50/50 chicken broth and milk. (Look up Béchamel sauce for roux/liquid proportion.) Season with sage.

Heat peas, drain, serve with sauce. Accompany with tater tots. Good when drunk.
posted by ryanrs at 8:41 PM on May 20, 2011

I'm glad I'm not the only one flummoxed by the toast. I thought maybe I just needed to get out more.
posted by nebulawindphone at 8:45 PM on May 20, 2011

sardonyx wrote: "2) The stuff in the can was Reddi-Whip. Surprisingly, it was the least offensive and least chemically-laden product on the shelves. You could have knocked me over with a feather when I realized that. I always figured it would have been among the most artificial of the canned creams. That said, I hope that's the first and the last time I ever end up resorting to canned cream."

I thought Reddi-Whip was literally just cream and nitrous oxide as a propellant. (which has the nice side effect of forming bubbles which "whip" the cream) Maybe I'm being dense, but I don't really see how whipping the cream yourself is any better, unless you're taking the opportunity to add vanilla or something.

Now Cool Whip is an entirely different story. It's tasty for what it is, but it's not really whipped cream.
posted by wierdo at 8:50 PM on May 20, 2011 [1 favorite]

Paula Dean makes love to her tater
posted by Blasdelb at 8:57 PM on May 20, 2011 [1 favorite]

I find canned whip cream too sweet. The sugar masks the buttery flavors of the cream.
posted by ryanrs at 8:57 PM on May 20, 2011

I thought the point of canned whipped cream was that it came with free laughing gas.

Which is really a big selling point where it seems to be most commonly used. Thanksgiving dinners.
posted by loquacious at 9:14 PM on May 20, 2011 [2 favorites]

> Paula Dean makes love to her tater

That's... really scary. I've seen crackheads make that same exact facial expression when they finally hit a rock for the first time that day. You can practically taste the delicious endorphins. Hey, I like food. I like butter. But watching her eat is like addiction or eating disorder pornography.
posted by loquacious at 9:18 PM on May 20, 2011

Nitrous at Thanksgiving dinner, are you insane? Whippits are the drug I'd least like to do with my parents. Jesus fucking christ.
posted by ryanrs at 9:35 PM on May 20, 2011 [2 favorites]

The irony is that no self-respecting English person would eat peas this way. The English are really into Mushy Peas. Preferably with fish and chips (fries to you).
If we had canned peas, we'd just boil them into a mush. If we wanted "proper" peas, we'd either buy them still in their pods or frozen.

I eat my peas with honey;
I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny,
But it keeps them on the knife.
posted by Susurration at 9:40 PM on May 20, 2011 [1 favorite]

wierdo,

Ingredients list from the Reddi-Whip website:
cream
water
sugar
corn syrup
non-fat milk
contains less than 2% of the following
natural and artificial flavours
mono and diglycerides
carrageenan
propellant nitrous oxide

I don't consider it "real" whipped cream due to the presence of water, corn syrup and artificial flavours. Actually even the non-fact milk rules out "real cream" in my book. The other cream-in-a-can products had a similar ingredients list, often with less cream or more added ingredients.

As for Cool Whip, I've never uttered that name, or even knowingly let that product cross my lips. I'd certainly never pay money for it.
posted by sardonyx at 10:00 PM on May 20, 2011

When I was a kid, my Depression-trained Mum used to buy fake whipping cream for our desserts. It came in a brass-coloured pint metal tin that needed a real can opener for us to access the contents, a viscous, off-yellow -- liquid? gel? Anyway, it whipped into something that tasted just fine to me and my sister. (Of course, we also begged our sleeping mother for white bread and corn syrup on Saturday mornings, so we may not have had highly developed palates.)

I can't remember the brand name, just that the label said that this was "An edible oil product", which had us wondering just what kind of oil they were talking about. If it was vegetable oil, that was edible by definition, wasn't it?
posted by maudlin at 10:44 PM on May 20, 2011 [1 favorite]

people like Jacques Pepin, Julia Child, Mario Batali, Jamie Oliver
aren't regular people that the unwashed, filthy masses can relate to.

Juia demonstrated to Jacques how she was taught to make peas. She took the raw fresh peas and a quarter stick of not-quite-softened butter and mixed them roughly by hand, almost mashing them together in a bowl before cooking. Jacques looked at her like she was nuts.
posted by StickyCarpet at 11:16 PM on May 20, 2011 [3 favorites]

Nitrous at Thanksgiving dinner, are you insane? Whippits are the drug I'd least like to do with my parents. Jesus fucking christ.

Well, yes. I'm insane, but that was a joke.
posted by loquacious at 11:42 PM on May 20, 2011 [1 favorite]

My ex's family kept their Cool Whip in the freezer. It takes on the consistency of triple-expanding caulking foam.
They would actually put it on pie that way.
posted by Mister Moofoo at 11:57 PM on May 20, 2011 [1 favorite]

Woah. I wonder if you could deep fry frozen cool whip in a tempura or panko crust?
posted by loquacious at 12:08 AM on May 21, 2011

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHHAAA
posted by nikoniko at 1:24 PM on May 20

Ditto!
posted by humph at 12:33 AM on May 21, 2011

From (parenthetic me)'s post, under the tumblr recipe:

2 japs seeded and diced

The author further notes:

My husband's uncle who is a great cook does this recipe all the time for gatherings.

I wonder what else goes on at these gatherings...
posted by Purposeful Grimace at 4:18 AM on May 21, 2011

Let me tell a little story.

Over ten years ago now, I was at a post-Bat Mitzvah luncheon at some random country-style restaurant. Almost everyone from the synagogue was there, including a dear family friend. And I need to stress, this was a luncheon after a Bat Mitzvah. Well, they served quiche lorraine which, as you may know, contains ham. Nothing was labeled. As far as anyone could guess, it was just "normal" (i.e. vegetarian) quiche. My friend, who has been kosher her entire life and a vegetarian as well for most of it, ate a large bite of the quiche, not realizing that it contained ham. As soon as she tasted it and realized what she'd eaten, she basically ran out of the room crying. Eating the ham violated strong personal ethical and moral values. The people hosting the Bat Mitzvah had violated a fairly serious social contract of our synagogue: you don't serve blatantly unkosher food in a Jewish context.* And, as a result, a dear friend, usually a strong and happy woman, was reduced to tears.

The Kwanzaa cake is offensive in its banality and it crassness, but the Chanukah cake contains marshmallows, which are made by boiling the hides and hooves of nonkosher animals. Eating the Chanukah cake would make that person ritually unclean. It would make my dear friend cry. The cake is also unbelievably goy, but that's an aside.

So that's why I hate Sandra Lee: because she makes things that would make my friend cry.

* Which is why I was horrified when I found out that, along side the vegetarian sushi that we'd ordered at our wedding, the caterers decided on their own to add shrimp spring rolls to the platter. What about vegetarian sushi made them think that shrimp would be a good idea? Of course, our wedding was interfaith and at least you could see that the rolls contained shrimp and avoid them. Still, I was pretty upset.
posted by Deathalicious at 4:28 AM on May 21, 2011 [7 favorites]

And I stand there, with the fork, with the lovely garden peas fresh as morning and green as spring, and I mash them down, hard, with a bit of salt and butter. Because I love him and forgiveness is a virtue.

I think your English fiancée is too polite to tell you that mushy peas require marrowfat peas. This is just pea puree.
posted by Summer at 4:42 AM on May 21, 2011 [9 favorites]

The main problem with the recipe seems to be that it doesn't specify the tinned peas not be mind flavored, which they often are. Mint and butter just wouldn't work.
posted by damonism at 4:46 AM on May 21, 2011

I've never seen mint flavored peas in the Southern US, where Ms. Deen is doing her shopping, and I've had my fair share of canned peas. However, mint and butter on fresh peas are amazing. Mint buttercream frosting on chocolate cupcakes is amazing. The moral of this story is that mint and butter work well together in both savoury and sweet situations.
posted by Wroksie at 5:09 AM on May 21, 2011 [1 favorite]

Summer, does that mean I can stop doing those things to innocent peas?
posted by The Whelk at 7:20 AM on May 21, 2011

I also don't really see the utility of making fun of people

stop right there.
posted by pinky at 7:24 AM on May 21, 2011

Yes! The English way with garden peas (as taught by my mother) is to boil them for a very short time with mint and some salt then eat. Butter optional. Tell your fiancée if he doesn't like that then he's unpatriotic.
posted by Summer at 7:33 AM on May 21, 2011 [1 favorite]

I'll serve it with chips and a hunk of beef or lamb and then we'll stand up and sing Rule Britannia, fully throated and with vigor.

And then watch Dr. Who.
posted by The Whelk at 8:02 AM on May 21, 2011 [5 favorites]

This isn't Food Network, but it's got the same heart: I found this recipe in some sort of Taste of Home: Soups Special Edition magazine (which I later tossed because the bulk of the recipes sounded either tasteless or gross). That recipe in particular though... :(
posted by agress at 8:11 AM on May 21, 2011

as soon as I came across this recipe I began frothing in my gash

Maybe I'm just in one of those easily-amused moods, but I LOLed loud and hearty.
posted by Halloween Jack at 10:32 AM on May 21, 2011

Godbert: Food Network seems to pretty far along in transitioning from a channel about how to make food to one about watching other people make food.

Definitely true. They've moved most of the instructional shows over to the Cooking Channel now.
posted by me3dia at 12:36 PM on May 21, 2011

Godbert: Food Network seems to pretty far along in transitioning from a channel about how to make food to one about watching other people make food.

To me, Food Network seems to have transitioned from a channel about how to make food to a channel about eating as a competitive sport.

Paula Deen's recipe should read: Melt the butter in small pot and add the peas. Cook over medium heat until peas are warm. Serve in trough, last one to finish gets kicked in the hoo-ha!
posted by Davenhill at 12:53 PM on May 21, 2011 [4 favorites]

Re: Whipped Cream

My mom was invited to a neighbor's house for Thanksgiving last year and she has not stopped talking about how amazing the woman's husband was. He used to be a professional chef and HE ACTUALLY MADE WHIPPED CREAM HIMSELF. Just, like she's never heard of such a thing. I'm like, yeah, and...

I'm also convinced that the reason people think veggies are icky is because of canned vegetables. I'll use canned corn, beans, tomatoes, and green beans (that's a childhood thing.) But I was once served canned asparagus. Asparagus is my favorite vegetable, but I have no idea what those things in the can were. URGH.
posted by threeturtles at 11:59 PM on May 21, 2011

SLC Mom: "I personally like this recipe for roast chicken. Although my husband probably likes it more"

for the lonely, you can substitute 50¢ mac and cheese, your favorite porn, and masturbation
posted by idiopath at 6:25 AM on May 22, 2011 [2 favorites]

They probably didn't realize you were supposed to sizzle the peas in the butter. They muft sizzle.

Easy there, Martha.
posted by Rory Marinich at 10:38 AM on May 22, 2011

I'll serve it with chips and a hunk of beef or lamb and then we'll stand up and sing Rule Britannia, fully throated and with vigor. And then watch Dr. Who.

This is remarkably faithful to my childhood memories of family dinners.

Through we preferred Jerusalem.
posted by bonehead at 11:20 AM on May 22, 2011 [1 favorite]

About whipped cream:

I've had great success with the jar method, though I prefer a wire whisk.

(I lived without electricity for many years so using a power tool just for cream seems... extravagant.)
posted by merelyglib at 11:31 AM on May 22, 2011 [3 favorites]

> I've had great success with the jar method, though I prefer a wire whisk.

You want to make it froth even faster? Take the spring out of a hawthorne strainer (this thing), and put that in the jar along with the cream before you shake it. It's a bartender trick I picked up a few weeks back from a friend, used to froth egg whites if you want a really creamy head to put on a cocktail.
posted by mrzarquon at 1:28 PM on May 22, 2011 [9 favorites]

oooh, I like that idea!

I'd stick around, but I need to go get me some heavy cream.
posted by merelyglib at 5:38 PM on May 22, 2011

Hey, they didn't lie. The recipe is easy.
posted by sandraregina at 7:58 PM on May 22, 2011

You want to whip cream without a whisk?

Pour two thirds of the heavy cream out of the container. Shake the now two thirds empty container until the cream inside is whipped.

You don't need any tools to whip cream. Unless the cream didn't come with a container. But why would you carry cream in your bare hands?
posted by aychedee at 2:46 PM on May 23, 2011

I've made whipped cream with a whisk, you just need to add cream of tartar. I was forced to try to make it with a spoon once, totally didn't work.

You're probably thinking of egg whites, not cream. Cream of tartar could stabilize the whipped cream, theoretically, but it's totally unnecessary to get the cream to whip properly.
posted by yellowcandy at 2:50 PM on May 23, 2011