Final Films

May 20, 2011 7:57 PM

Armageddon, final Orbit

The story to end time, which last entertainment is appropriate? HellRaiser? Gabriel? Doomsday Machine? Suggestions should be to the point.

posted by Mblue (151 comments total)

Is this a Question?
posted by pjern at 8:01 PM on May 20, 2011

It is surprising and wonderful that the apocalypse is going to occur at 6PM in every time zone, from east to west. Coincidentally, it makes it a lot easier for Family Radio to broadcast and distribute their predictions worldwide.

I seem to recall Hugo Chavez inventing his own wacky timezone a few years ago, so presumably he gets an extra 15 minutes. Good for him.
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 8:03 PM on May 20, 2011 [1 favorite]

The internet celebrities are on the case.
posted by cashman at 8:04 PM on May 20, 2011

Special Promotions
AVAILABLE THROUGH May-20-2011 to May-27-2011

orly?
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 8:05 PM on May 20, 2011 [1 favorite]

Celestial Rapture Service Infonotice
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 8:07 PM on May 20, 2011 [3 favorites]

Here's some useful, well thought out advice on a few issues concerning the Rapture that haven't gained a lot of mainstream press attention.
posted by Phlegmco(tm) at 8:09 PM on May 20, 2011 [3 favorites]

You know, this friggin' rolling rapture is gonna be like doing the wave at a Tigers game, someone will start it (usually those fools out in the cheap seats WAY out in left field) it'll make it about to home plate, and then the rich dudes and their bleach blonde dates are too cool to continue it and it'll sputter and die off.

I figure about half the globe will rupture rapture and then everyone will say "hey, I can't do that, I'm in the middle of a beer and Inge is at bat" and the rest of us will be left to party another day.

Sucks to be in Pago Pago.
posted by tomswift at 8:15 PM on May 20, 2011 [4 favorites]

This guy realizes that it's already the 21st in asia and europe, right?
posted by delmoi at 8:20 PM on May 20, 2011

I think it's unfair to say the least that the people of American Samoa get a full 24 hours to convert after their neighbors across the dateline in Tonga are swallowed up by the earth. Seems cheap.
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 8:22 PM on May 20, 2011 [2 favorites]

I'll let you know in a couple hours what happens. Or maybe...

I won't be around to tell you!

^{wait, no, raised Jewish, regular blasphemer, I got no chance. I guess I'll b suffering along with the rest of you through the tribulations.}
posted by Ghidorah at 8:24 PM on May 20, 2011

You know, I'm a Christian, but Harold Camping makes me want to spend the next 24 hours getting drunk and watching porn.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 8:24 PM on May 20, 2011 [6 favorites]

I guess I've got about 21 hours to repent and get baptized, or something, but in the meantime, I've got a bottle in front of me.

Whatever happens, or doesn't happen, Harold Camping / Family Radio will end that day - either life or credibility, or in case it happens at 7:00pm, BOTH!
posted by Monkey0nCrack at 8:24 PM on May 20, 2011 [1 favorite]

It's no X Day.
posted by Artw at 8:28 PM on May 20, 2011 [5 favorites]

The last time I had to concern myself with the timing of potentially apocalyptic events was on Dec 31, 1999. I was working for the IT department of a financial services company, whose CIO had decided that those of us with administrative responsibilities for critical systems should be present in the office as the clock rolled over into the year 2000.

I was irritated to be missing some decent New Year's Eve parties. And also, we'd seen it hit New Zealand early in the day, and without reports of power plants exploding or roadbeds launching themselves spontaneously into the air.

I sit here tonight in the American midwest with a Blue Moon Summer Honey Wheat in my hand, timeanddate.com opened in another browser tab, displaying the local time in Auckland, and I am thinking seriously about staying up until 6 PM NZST so that I can catch the first interviews of disappointed non-Raptured believers. You know, for nostalgia's sake.
posted by Ipsifendus at 8:29 PM on May 20, 2011 [5 favorites]

1988 was the 13,000 birthday of the world. Anyone who says any different is mistaken.

You can believe him because it's longer than 6000 years.

That and he researched it.
posted by scrutiny at 8:37 PM on May 20, 2011

Armageddon it on, baby! And I'd like to take this moment to wish the sober, God fearing Australians a fond farewell. We'll miss all twelve of you.

For at most of a day, at least. Then it's float or fry for us too.
posted by Kevin Street at 8:41 PM on May 20, 2011 [2 favorites]

2012 has us believe suns neutrinos will mutate next year anyway. Mayan science!
posted by Artw at 8:42 PM on May 20, 2011

You gotta admit, this rapture silliness is a nice break from the financial, climatic, nuclear, social apocalypse we really do face.
posted by five fresh fish at 8:44 PM on May 20, 2011 [22 favorites]

I have a friend on another board who likes to talk about the early doomsayers in the Christian religion; they believed that the Rapture was right around the corner, that they'd see the return of Jesus themselves.

That core of nihilism still runs strong in Christianity -- it seems like it nails some people in every generation. They've been waiting for two thousand years, and every decade or so, there's another batch that claim The End is Nigh.

Religion is such a goddamn mess. There is nothing that screws us up more.
posted by Malor at 8:49 PM on May 20, 2011 [3 favorites]

You gotta admit, this rapture silliness is a nice break from the financial, climatic, nuclear, social apocalypse we really do face.

But we don't face an apocalypse. Let's put this in perspective: there will be disasters and there will be suffering, but humanity is likely to persist on this solitary earth for a very long time, and our decisions matter in the long term. I hope that we will elect leaders who are aware of this and have no desire to speed things up.
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 8:50 PM on May 20, 2011 [10 favorites]

So, Christmas Island is getting raptured in about 6 minutes? Am I understanding this right?
posted by MrFTBN at 8:53 PM on May 20, 2011

I think it's really unfair theologically that the Western hemisphere gets an extra 12-16 hours to repent and all the heathen territories of East Asia will probably not have time to make sense of it all. Atheists like me will have a chance to see all the earthquakes and and chaos when we wake up tomorrow, panic for a few hours, have a late lunch, then repent and accept Jesus as our Lord and Savior in the late afternoon before 6pm local time.

I mean, I always knew the Bible was ethnocentric, but this is the unkindest cut.
posted by skewed at 8:55 PM on May 20, 2011 [4 favorites]

That's the appeal of doomsday for many people. It's not so much nihilism as a get out of life free pass. Feel frustrated by your life decisions, or angry that you've wasted all those years? Well don't worry, because it's all over for everyone now. You did the best anyone could, and now it's time for paradise.
posted by Kevin Street at 8:56 PM on May 20, 2011 [4 favorites]

Sorry, that was a resonse to East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94.
posted by Kevin Street at 8:57 PM on May 20, 2011

"Oh, it happened. You just didn't make the cut."
posted by Chocolate Pickle at 8:58 PM on May 20, 2011

A few seconds to go till it's 6PM in the Line Islands
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 8:59 PM on May 20, 2011

To actually answer the op's question: I think this piece of entertainment would be the best option.
posted by watermelongunn at 8:59 PM on May 20, 2011 [1 favorite]

Family Radio is not even mentioning that it is currently 6PM in the Line Islands. Amateurs.

Nice barbershop gospel though.
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 9:01 PM on May 20, 2011

Yup. Christmas Island done been raptured.
posted by likeso at 9:01 PM on May 20, 2011

Or how about this: "The Rapture happened, but nobody qualified."
posted by Chocolate Pickle at 9:02 PM on May 20, 2011 [4 favorites]

Oh well, it's not the end of the world.
posted by Artw at 9:03 PM on May 20, 2011 [3 favorites]

Seems like I have to study for my finals after all.
posted by ymgve at 9:03 PM on May 20, 2011

"It's Friday, Friday...gotta get down on Friday."

I just got fucking Blackrolled by The Atlantic. It really *is* the end of the world. :(
posted by Jacqueline at 9:04 PM on May 20, 2011 [8 favorites]

Yeah. I gotta clean the catbox and do laundry. And pay some bills, dammit.
posted by likeso at 9:05 PM on May 20, 2011

I think it's unfair to say the least that the people of American Samoa get a full 24 hours to convert after their neighbors across the dateline in Tonga are swallowed up by the earth. Seems cheap.

Actually, I think the people in American Samoa are screwed.

Those in, say, London get the chance that you describe - they see Tongans ascending, and they quickly accept Jesus Christ as their personal lord and yadda yadda.

Those living in American Samoa, though, get wiped out by the massive tsunami from the unimaginably huge earthquake just to their east, before they know what's happening.
posted by Flunkie at 9:05 PM on May 20, 2011

watermelongunn I heard backwards Enya until Satanic Barbara.
posted by Mblue at 9:06 PM on May 20, 2011

errr, their west
posted by Flunkie at 9:06 PM on May 20, 2011 [1 favorite]

I thought Camping had said that as soon as the first 6PM occured, all bets were off and if you weren't saved, you weren't. No matter what time zone you're in.
posted by ymgve at 9:07 PM on May 20, 2011

"Or how about this: "The Rapture happened, but nobody qualified."

Poor Jesus, sitting alone up there in Heaven, all dressed up and ready for a party, but nobody came. Saint Peter refilling his water glass for the fourth time and politely asking if he wants the bill. We're such dicks.
posted by Kevin Street at 9:08 PM on May 20, 2011 [10 favorites]

Open Forum with Harold Camping answering live questions is at 3PM EST. Should be interesting!
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 9:09 PM on May 20, 2011

Harold Camping / Family Radio will end that day - either life or credibility

I'm not so sure about that.
posted by Flunkie at 9:09 PM on May 20, 2011

Here's a real-time map of recent earthquakes around the world. I guess you should be checking for big red squares (signifies over magnitude 7 within the last hour.)
posted by MrFTBN at 9:10 PM on May 20, 2011 [1 favorite]

Huh. He going for a on-air rapture/rupture?
posted by likeso at 9:10 PM on May 20, 2011

How God is managing the 2011 Rapture (The Oatmeal)
posted by cashman at 9:15 PM on May 20, 2011 [4 favorites]

What if they threw a rapture and nobody came?
posted by dephlogisticated at 9:16 PM on May 20, 2011 [1 favorite]

Ooh. I like the explanation the Seekers came up with in 1954: the believers' willingness to believe the prophecy saved the world from the prophecy.
posted by likeso at 9:22 PM on May 20, 2011 [1 favorite]

I got my Bundy and coke. Bring it on, Jeebus!
posted by obiwanwasabi at 9:28 PM on May 20, 2011

I wish I could be standing next to Bradley Dean* when the rapture is supposed to occur.

When he wonders why he hasn't been whisked up to heaven, it would be an excellent opportunity to point out "Well, that's because you're a really shitty Christian."
posted by louche mustachio at 9:45 PM on May 20, 2011

Excuse me. BRADLEE.
posted by louche mustachio at 9:46 PM on May 20, 2011

A few seconds to go till it's 6PM in the Line Islands

This is great! Can we get Dick Clark to host this?
posted by PlusDistance at 9:49 PM on May 20, 2011

which last entertainment is appropriate?

The Meaning Of Life.
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:53 PM on May 20, 2011

Or, the Answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything.
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:55 PM on May 20, 2011

Or, really, whatever you want. Just another Friday night, eh?
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:56 PM on May 20, 2011 [3 favorites]

Anyone hear anything?
posted by Navelgazer at 10:01 PM on May 20, 2011

I'm getting reports that God doesn't exist
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 10:10 PM on May 20, 2011 [8 favorites]

I see a great white light and a feeling of peace descending upon me!

Of course, the TV is on and I'm lightly baked at the moment...
posted by WinnipegDragon at 10:10 PM on May 20, 2011 [3 favorites]

The Nine Billion Names of God.
posted by Splunge at 10:10 PM on May 20, 2011 [3 favorites]

I'd like to think that there was a whole lotta vans a-rocking tonight, if you catch my drift. I mean, better way to spend last night on earth? I think not.
posted by angrycat at 10:15 PM on May 20, 2011

Well you see it was all really just an exercise of faith... Were YOU ready? Look around you and take away from this the glorious lessons of who and what really matters to you in your life. Let us bow our heads in payment.
posted by BeerFilter at 10:22 PM on May 20, 2011 [1 favorite]

And now we can be sure: Macho Man saved us all.
posted by Flunkie at 10:26 PM on May 20, 2011 [7 favorites]

Guy on BBC just now: "At least they aren't burning the Koran."

Well, good point.
posted by furiousxgeorge at 10:30 PM on May 20, 2011 [3 favorites]

Haha, Mblue, sorry to subject you to that. Thought it was kind of awesome, though. I mean, how often you get to witness Satanic Barbra?
posted by watermelongunn at 10:38 PM on May 20, 2011

Duh, everyone knows Rapture will wait around until Oprah has her last show.
posted by incessant at 10:43 PM on May 20, 2011

Whatever happens, or doesn't happen, Harold Camping / Family Radio will end that day - either life or credibility, or in case it happens at 7:00pm, BOTH!

Nope. You just haven't lived long enough I am guessing to know that this happens every decade or so. I've been through 2 or three of these so far. Every ten years give or take some asshole makes a few million by proclaiming the end of the world and every decade a few hundred thou or maybe a few million are stupid enough to support him. Monetarily.

What will happen will be that this newest asshole will either :
1. Proclaim that everyone's prayers have warded it off for a few years more. Halleluiah.

2. He looked over his finely tuned calculations and discovered an error of some number of years.

3. God has given him a message and ...yadda yadda...

Either way this asshat and his messengers is all the richer for it and I would love to bitch-slap his 89 year old ass to Purgatory. Ten years or so from now some other asshat will do the same con.
posted by Poet_Lariat at 10:46 PM on May 20, 2011 [5 favorites]

Ten years? That's overly optimistic. I'm sure someone will find a way to cash in on the Mayan 2012 thing next year.
posted by Jacqueline at 10:49 PM on May 20, 2011

Oh.... and if you're gonna go , go out listening to this
posted by Poet_Lariat at 10:57 PM on May 20, 2011

New Zealand region yet to suffer destruction forecast by Oakland-based doomsday predictor
posted by birdherder at 11:08 PM on May 20, 2011 [1 favorite]

U2, "A Day Without Me"

Starting a landslide in my ego
Look from the outside
To the world I left behind

I'm dreaming
You're awake
If I were sleeping
What's at stake
A day without me

Whatever the feelings
I keep feeling
What are the feelings
You left behind

Today's a day without me

I started a landslide in my ego
Look from the outside
To the world I left behind

In the world I left behind
Wipe their eyes, and then let go
To the world I left behind
Shed a tear, and then let go...

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/u/u2/#share
posted by vverse23 at 11:11 PM on May 20, 2011

I'll be glad when this silly rapture nonsense is out of the way and all the intelligent, enlightened and progressive people around here can get back to predicting the imminent social, economic and environmental collapse of the United States, and probably the whole world, because of the evils of capitalism as usual.
posted by joannemullen at 11:12 PM on May 20, 2011 [3 favorites]

Yes, yes, we're all idiots...go get yourself a cream soda and relax a little.

I have to admit, I was hoping for one earthquake at least.
posted by Ipsifendus at 11:15 PM on May 20, 2011

Clearly God is just screwing with the damned in the South Pacific and New Zealand at this point. Right at the point when they think it's safe to put the china back on the shelf - BANG! It'll be Earthquake City.

Don't know if this had been posted already. Some advice for the soon to be raptured.
posted by Kevin Street at 11:16 PM on May 20, 2011

Family Radio's website won't load. I assume their server accepted Jesus into its heart and ascended to heaven.
posted by mmoncur at 11:20 PM on May 20, 2011 [2 favorites]

"Travel Scrabble, anybody...?"
posted by zoinks at 11:21 PM on May 20, 2011 [1 favorite]

I ended up calling my mom a little after 10:30 tonight, thinking, "It's not the Rapture. It's not the Rapture. It's not the Rapture. But if it is, the phones will go, probably starting about 2 a.m. And then I won't be able to call my mom. I want to talk to her before the judgment day, because we'll probably be sorted into different groups. If I don't call now, maybe I'll never get to speak to her again. PANIC!"

I was expecting my mom to be a little worried, to ask if I was going to repent or pray or something. But instead she just laughed, and asked me if I wanted to get together next Tuesday. And she has Family Radio programmed in as the top station on her car stereo.

I still stayed up until after 6 p.m. New Zealand time, just in case.
posted by brina at 11:26 PM on May 20, 2011 [2 favorites]

This is so ridiculous. Who are these idiots who believe the world is goi
posted by Kraftmatic Adjustable Cheese at 11:30 PM on May 20, 2011 [5 favorites]

Oh, 2001 is on.

There are worse ways to go.
posted by Artw at 11:33 PM on May 20, 2011

watermelongunn

Only once before death. Heh.
posted by Mblue at 11:59 PM on May 20, 2011

Half an hour later in Newfoundland
posted by islander at 12:02 AM on May 21, 2011

This whole thing reminds me of "How Prophecy Never Fails: Interpretive Reason in a Flying-Saucer Group," a detailed and poignant academic article about how the Unarius Academy of Science coped with one of its many failed predictions regarding the arrival of the Space Brothers. I was moved by the Archangel Uriel spending all her money on new outfits to wear when she went traveling with the Space Brothers; it reminded me of my grandmother hoarding jewelry from QVC, even though she never left the house to wear it.

I thought it was too weak for an FPP, what with the other rapture threads and the fact that Metafilter has made fun of the Unariuns before (because, well, because this) so I offer it here.
posted by Countess Elena at 12:32 AM on May 21, 2011 [4 favorites]

Meh, I'm kind of sleepy. Going to take a nap. Wake me when the rapture comes.
posted by Ghidorah at 12:52 AM on May 21, 2011

"You will find rest from vain fancies if you perform every act in life as though it were your last."
Marcus Aurelius

"Do not wait for the Last Judgment. It takes place every day"
Albert Camus

"When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: 'If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right.' It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: 'If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?' And whenever the answer has been 'No' for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something."
Steve Jobs

One problem with taking something too literally is that you miss out what it meant metaphorically.
posted by TheophileEscargot at 1:12 AM on May 21, 2011 [5 favorites]

Wow, that's so weird. My wife is gone but all her clothes are here.

Oh wait, she's taking a shower.

Nevermind.
posted by Splunge at 1:16 AM on May 21, 2011 [15 favorites]

Their livestream chatroom is one glorious clusterfuck right now.
posted by mullingitover at 1:16 AM on May 21, 2011

A healthy life is merely the slowest way to die.
posted by Splunge at 1:21 AM on May 21, 2011 [2 favorites]

According to my wife, an ex-Jehovah's Witness:

The number of the faithful that will be taken in the rapture is exactly 144,000. Considering the population of the world that can be chalked up to a statistical deviation too small to measure.

One can then decide that the rapture indeed has happened and nobody really noticed. Nor has anyone cared.

Hope you didn't tell off the boss on Friday 'cause Monday is gonna be real uncomfortable.
posted by Splunge at 1:48 AM on May 21, 2011

Still here. I even managed to not notice the time. Then again, card-carrying heathen, not likely to have been taken.
posted by Ghidorah at 2:02 AM on May 21, 2011

I left work right at 6pm and there was a blackbird perched on a pole right above my car squawking like crazy. I think he was trying to warn me of the imminent doom. But I just got home, and 40 minutes into armageddon looks exactly the same as before. Stupid bird.
posted by p3t3 at 2:40 AM on May 21, 2011 [1 favorite]

Saw this on the live chatroom...

Jesus Christ has been banned by FamiyBibleMinistry.
FamiyBibleMinistry cleared messages from user Jesus Christ.
DeadGod: JESUS IS DEAD
Lil B: WHO RAPTURES JESUS?
Heroicslug: You can't ban JESUS
Gorb: HE KILLED JESUS
Gorb: WTF
posted by markkraft at 2:44 AM on May 21, 2011 [3 favorites]

Damn dog got me up early, now I have to sit here for 13 minutes to see if the idiots that provide my internet access were sinners. I really don't mind sticking around with the rest of you, and I don't mind seeing the fundies hit the yellow brick road to heaven, but I will spend some time praying that those guys at Charter Communications were on God's shit list.
posted by tomswift at 2:50 AM on May 21, 2011

Okay people, all the stick in the mud types are gone, right? Time to have fun.

Let's pretend that the world is a perfect place and stop fighting wars. And we can also legalize pot, sex for money, and hedonism of all types. I'm sure that there a few (lots) of folks that want to run things. So we give them a chance to make things right.

Let the folks that want to run a government or some stupid shit like that have a little fun. But the people that are really in charge, like me, are running the world.

Anarchy baby! Anarchy! Until the canned food runs out.

I want huge acres of corn cut and burned. Then plant the good weed. Soybeans everywhere else. Free the damn cows and chickens. You want meat? You want a chicken fajita? Kill the damn thing yourself.

Lentils for everyone.

Art is now one for one a trade for work. A really good skilled drawing of a hundred dollar bill is the same as (or better) the a real hundred dollar bill.

Gold is still gold, but nobody cares unless they are making electronics or jewelery.

Diamonds are no longer as precious as they were.

Pretty rocks that your kids bring you from the beach are the new world currency.

Love each other. If you don't like your neighbor that's cool. Just leave the fucker alone.

No more marriage. If you need health insurance, a doctor will come to your house. If you need more serious care the people that do that will do that because the want to.

Okay. Forget it. I can't stop laughing while I type this...
posted by Splunge at 2:53 AM on May 21, 2011 [1 favorite]

Don't worry about the world ending tomorrow, it's already tomorrow in New Zealand.
posted by Samuel Farrow at 3:06 AM on May 21, 2011

Is it still there? Just asking.
posted by Splunge at 3:12 AM on May 21, 2011

You guys clearly don't know your comparative Christian theology. All christians fall into basically two camps here :

There are many evangelicals, Jehovah's witnesses, etc. in the U.S. that believe in the raptor, who'll come and take only the sinless faithful, leaving behind most people.

Conversely, there are more mainline christian sects who's models predict most people being taken. In particular, Catholicism celebrate deep parallels with Jesus' "resurrection" and believe confession eases the path to infection.

Inside the first group, there is again considerable debate about how the raptor will actually obtain the soul. You're hard cores who'd read Chick tracks or Left Behind generally envision a rather more messy approach. Umm, please note these guys don't all agree that the raptor prefers liver, well you know how religions fight over minutia, worse even than fandom.

In fact, there are even weak stomached evangelicals who envision a VelociRapture involving multiple raptors who take many people and obtaining the souls via explosive decompression at extreme altitude.

There are also groups who believe in a singular Jesus' who is "dead but dreaming" yet can consume everyone personally when he wakes up, even the sinners.

In any case, you should not be fooled by empty clothing & smoking shoes today, that's just atheists who don't understand real christian theology fucking with ya. Take care, the dry ice in the shoes can burn your hand.
posted by jeffburdges at 3:25 AM on May 21, 2011 [6 favorites]

If there are going to be Velociraptors, I'm getting the hell out of the kitchen, because I SAW that movie!
posted by tomswift at 3:34 AM on May 21, 2011

It's past 6pm here in Hong Kong. My heathen family is still around.

Damn.
posted by Neale at 3:39 AM on May 21, 2011 [1 favorite]

Oops! I forgot the post rapture looting facebook event and the rapture flowchart.
posted by jeffburdges at 3:46 AM on May 21, 2011

A quick post from a rube from Vermont , fortunately I'm not Godly (although the numbers tickle me.)

I love you all. Have a continuing weekend.
posted by Mblue at 3:57 AM on May 21, 2011

How God is managing the 2011 rapture
posted by jeffburdges at 4:12 AM on May 21, 2011

Are we talking about a real Raptor or Deinonychus?
posted by Artw at 6:31 AM on May 21, 2011

"Do you believe in his sweet sensation? Do you believe in second chance? Do you believe in rapture, babe?"
posted by limeonaire at 6:33 AM on May 21, 2011 [1 favorite]

"There is a boat you can get on, that boat is christ jesus"

Ya know that sounds pornographic.
posted by MrLint at 6:41 AM on May 21, 2011 [1 favorite]

Well, so we'll never really know if the rapture didn't happen, right? Maybe we're all just way worse than we thought. I sort of like the idea that one or two misunderstood souls will disappear today, while nobody notices, and the rest of carry on in our slow march toward oblivion. Except I could do without the plague, I've got a busy couple of weeks coming up.
posted by dixiecupdrinking at 6:43 AM on May 21, 2011

the end of the world didn't happen, have an Alan Moore comic instead.
posted by Artw at 6:50 AM on May 21, 2011

I'm currently posting from heaven.

Sorry guys, you missed the boat-ride up.
posted by empath at 6:50 AM on May 21, 2011

Good news, everybody! Heaven has Wifi, and you can take your smart phones with you! (Though the roaming fees are a bitch).
posted by filthy light thief at 6:54 AM on May 21, 2011

It's too bad, really.

Secular Humanism would be so much easier without their constant susurrus of illogical handwaving ("you must have faith!"), detestable blaming ("you're just not godly enough"), pathetically self-serving justifications ("it's god's will") and odious power-grabs (do I really need a pull quote?).
posted by seanmpuckett at 6:55 AM on May 21, 2011

I totally forgot I had this button
posted by The Whelk at 7:49 AM on May 21, 2011

Well, my friend and I were just having our typical "Jesus is Lord" argument, and he suddenly
disappeared into thin, wispy air.

I huffed because it wasn't 6pm yet, but then I realized he is Samoan.


Micronesia gets the VIP section in Heaven.
posted by gcbv at 8:10 AM on May 21, 2011 [1 favorite]

When the End Times hit Edinburgh, I shall be dancing to this.
posted by Happy Dave at 8:28 AM on May 21, 2011

We Jehovah's Witnesses definitely do not believe in the rapture or the anti-christ or that God is going to destroy the planet earth.

The raptor on the other hand...maybe.
posted by Danila at 8:37 AM on May 21, 2011 [1 favorite]

This bloody Rapture is organized like a visit from the cable guy. They say it's going to happen 6 o'clock sharp, but when 6 rolls around, total no-show. So now I'm stuck here on the couch waiting because I know the second I go to hang out the washing or clean the garage *BOOM* Rapture will show up.
posted by Ritchie at 9:13 AM on May 21, 2011 [4 favorites]

Your non-saved relatives get a discount on the Hell convention that's in town though.
posted by cashman at 9:55 AM on May 21, 2011

empath gets to heaven and they've got the Shaggs' "We Have A Savior" on repeat everywhere. D'oh!!
posted by zoinks at 10:33 AM on May 21, 2011

Guys! Guys! Harold Camping is vindicated! A quake on the seabed 800 miles off Portugal! Put that in your pipe and smoke it!
posted by ricochet biscuit at 10:36 AM on May 21, 2011

I was just out walking the dog near the national mall and suddenly there's all these trumpets playing and then these enormous flying things with hundreds of eyes and long dangling tentacles appeared. Like black and gold jellyfish things. And they started picking
up people wearing those yellow 5/21 t-shirts and pulling them into their maw. At first the people were all "the rapture, the rapture" then there was a crunching of bones and a rain of blood. Suddenly everybody starts running. I kicked in the door one one of the old canal houses and tool shelter with the dog. Then a bunch of black military vehicles and helps
show up. Some dude in white robes gets out of a tank and holds up some kind of medallion, chants something and there is this awesome blast of light. The things are just gone and it's back go blue skies like nothing ever happened. I went home. The dog is staying outside though for a bit. That dumb animal drank some of the blood and I'm sure of I let him in he'll puke all
over the rug.
posted by humanfont at 10:37 AM on May 21, 2011 [1 favorite]

I'm imagining a major client meeting in heaven with a bunch of product managers looking really nervous apologetically at the production people (IA's, programmers, designers all nervously staring into their smartphones and texting madly), and the client, the liaison from GOD WORKS LLC. looking really pissed, furious, screaming bloody murder and saying this Web Design AGency is the fucking worst and is finished!!

Yes, the Rapture was to be a roll out of a new e-religion website and it was a massive bust.

Fucking pushy no-nothing clients. I hate em.
posted by Skygazer at 10:41 AM on May 21, 2011 [1 favorite]

Mankind.

Still alone in the universe. Sigh.


Ooooo..I wonder if there's anything good playing on the TV...
posted by Skygazer at 10:45 AM on May 21, 2011

Ok, so now the dweebs have fucked off to heaven, we can make this planet a nice place to live, and my vote's for Splunge as the New World Leader! Or, if that sounds too totalitarian, New World 'Person in Temporary Control.' Once that's done, can we start going to space? It'll be fun, and I'm sure there'll be lasers and stuff.
posted by Zack_Replica at 10:48 AM on May 21, 2011

From a HuffPo article quoting Camping: "Christ hung on the cross April 1, 33 A.D.," he says.

Best. April Fools gag. Ever !
posted by Poet_Lariat at 11:07 AM on May 21, 2011

A little XTC seems fitting.

Ah well, that's this world over
Ah well, next one begins...
posted by Skygazer at 11:19 AM on May 21, 2011

Apparently Harold Camping only does Open Forum on weekdays. The weekend shows are pre-recorded. A shame!
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 11:46 AM on May 21, 2011

What really happened
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 11:52 AM on May 21, 2011 [7 favorites]

BRB guys.
posted by mccarty.tim at 12:01 PM on May 21, 2011

he's climbing in yo windows, he's snatchin yo christians up
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 12:03 PM on May 21, 2011 [1 favorite]

So, if the bible guaranteed it, do all us heathens win a free trip to heaven?
posted by mccarty.tim at 12:11 PM on May 21, 2011

alternative_eschatology.jpg from cortex
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 12:12 PM on May 21, 2011 [2 favorites]

Watching Evangelion again. Survived Second Impact on the first go-round. Mustn't run away this time. (Although, if you are raptured, congratulations!)
posted by SPrintF at 12:24 PM on May 21, 2011

We should declare that Raptor Jesus Day, or equivalent VelociRapture Day, shall henceforth be the day & month of the last rapture prediction that obtained significant lulz. In other words, we celebrate Raptor Jesus again next 21 May unless another bigish rapture prediction occurs between then & now.
posted by jeffburdges at 1:24 PM on May 21, 2011

It's too bad, really.

All the other species on the planet really wanted to believe it this time.
posted by Twang at 2:04 PM on May 21, 2011 [1 favorite]

While Harold Camping sits safe with his millions…

"... the fear he fosters spreads around the world.

This woman, fearful of the end of the world, took a boxcutter to the throats of her two daughters, and then sliced her own throat. This is what religion encourages: fear based on imaginary terrors.

Here's a man who committed suicide in Nairobi. Here's a family torn by parents who gave away everything to Camping; the mother said a daughter would be left behind…at least she didn't try to cut her throat.

I want to see Harold Camping prosecuted for bilking people out of their money, for destroying lives and families. I want to see his radio empire dismantled and the people who promoted his lies disgraced and ashamed.

It won't happen."

posted by ericb at 2:23 PM on May 21, 2011 [8 favorites]

...be not ignorant of this one thing, that one day is with the Lord as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day.--2 Peter 3:8

OK. This is the biblical extract that Harold Camping uses to quackulate the end of the world. One ould interpret Simon Peter's snippet 25 ways.

But no. Capming uses this verse, along with the seven days' warning to Noah to extrapolate from the date of The Deluge, and Noah's deliverance, to May 21, 2011, using arithmetic that is spellbinding in its fatuous stupidity. I'm no theologian, but this meek, old blowhard has been riding the crazy train for decades.

Let's say the end of the world comes. I am certain I won't be raptured. I'll be happy to be left behind so I can kick satanic ass on Earth or die trying. If it doesn't, I am stocked with snooty beer, steaks, cigarettes, and dog food. My lawn is freshly mown and the golden calf in my front yard has been polished up a bit.
posted by nj_subgenius at 2:42 PM on May 21, 2011

The sky it's so beautif
posted by jeremias at 3:05 PM on May 21, 2011

Closed for Rapture MeFi is the best thing ever. When the video loaded and I saw Fab Five Freddy, I almost choked.
posted by cashman at 3:08 PM on May 21, 2011

This WWAN dongle, because it uses cell phone towers, should get better and reception, the higher I rise....
posted by orthogonality at 3:09 PM on May 21, 2011

And lo, it came to pass that Macho Man Randy Savage did prevent the impending rapture. Amen.
posted by nooneyouknow at 3:11 PM on May 21, 2011 [1 favorite]

Screen grab: MeFi 'Closed For Rapture.'
posted by ericb at 3:16 PM on May 21, 2011

Well, I was raptured. I didn't expect it, but it is what it is. There are very few of us up here. We have not yet had any contact with God, but we have definitely been taken. We are not exactly sure why we are here, either. We are certainly not all Christians. We have been trying to figure out some sort of common theme that has united us here in the afterlife, but we still aren't sure. So what got us into heaven? Our three leading theories seem to be: 1- We all shared our lunch with someone who forgot to bring lunch money to school, 2- None of us had ever committed a crime in a holy building, and 3- We all spent a lot of time watching Madonna's "Open Your Heart" video in slow motion. All or none of those things could be factors.

Based on what I have experienced so far, I have to say that I would have rather been left behind. The robes are rather poorly ventilated. You would think that the open bottom would provide sufficient air flow, but this material is like some sort of cotton saran wrap. We also have assumed the form of ourselves when we were at our most attractive. I am in the body of my five year old self right now. There is no way I'm getting laid up here. Of course, maybe there is no sex. I can't be sure yet. No one has tried to have sex yet, but judging by the movement under one guy's robe, I am guessing he is attempting something.

I will say that the internet connection up here is unbelievable. We all also got new IPads, which is sort of cool. Unless something changes up here, I am going to get incredibly bored.

Enjoy everything while you can.
posted by flarbuse at 3:18 PM on May 21, 2011 [16 favorites]

Rapture?

... more like CRAPture.
posted by fuq at 3:21 PM on May 21, 2011

Better 'MeFi Rapture' screen grab w/ image and 'Happy Birthday' song.
posted by ericb at 3:22 PM on May 21, 2011

And now Camping is gonna make something of this: Volcano erupts in Iceland, spurs 50 earthquakes.
posted by ericb at 3:25 PM on May 21, 2011

And now Camping is gonna make something of this: Volcano erupts in Iceland, spurs 50 earthquakes.

Oh, wait-a-hold-it. Camping got it all fucking wrong.

It was Thor -- and not Jesus -- that is returning on this day!

After all ... "In Norse mythology, largely recorded in Iceland from traditional material stemming from Scandinavia, numerous tales and information about Thor are provided."*
posted by ericb at 3:31 PM on May 21, 2011

Well, if it's really Thor who has come back, the timing would suggest it's because he's annoyed about Thor...so I guess that makes it the clear winner for "final film".

Ragnorak caused by Kenneth Branagh. Hunh, didn't see that one coming.
posted by mstokes650 at 3:38 PM on May 21, 2011 [1 favorite]

Man NO ONE in ts bar is appreciating my all end of the world song selections. Rubes.
posted by The Whelk at 3:39 PM on May 21, 2011

MeTa ;)
posted by jeffburdges at 3:51 PM on May 21, 2011

Of course, we all know this Rapture business is complete bullsh
posted by louche mustachio at 4:00 PM on May 21, 2011

Reporting in from Texas. It's almost 7:00pm, nothing has happened. No clothes, no empty cars, just a bunch of idio----

...No, wait, just gas.

Carry on.
posted by Malice at 4:58 PM on May 21, 2011

Are you angels? If so, I'd like a word with the guy in charge, because Heaven looks a lot like my house.

You'd think it would at least be air conditioned.
posted by Kevin Street at 5:05 PM on May 21, 2011

Against Me!'s 'Rapid Decompression' came on as I opened this thread. 'Sometimes it feels like the whole world is coming to an end'

I didn't get Raptured yesterday but I did film a blasphemous crucifixion scene.
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 5:22 PM on May 21, 2011

I guess that PocketPriest(tm) I shelled out for on eBay, to keep handy for a last-minute confession and full absolution, was a big waste of money. First to memail me with their address and a DAMN GOOD EXCUSE gets it in the post.
posted by tumid dahlia at 5:29 PM on May 21, 2011

gizmodo's rapture prank photos
posted by jeffburdges at 6:25 PM on May 21, 2011

I can't find my pants.
posted by vanar sena at 9:04 PM on May 21, 2011 [2 favorites]