The latest in medical sperm collection

May 22, 2011 3:11 PM

Further proof that China is indeed the up and coming (sorry, I couldn't resist the childish pun) new global economic force. Why do I have a sneaking suspicion that this may turn up at one of my local adult toy stores?
posted by janetplanet (45 comments total)

Want!! Want badly...
posted by Xurando at 3:15 PM on May 22, 2011

is there a point to that second link?
posted by p3on at 3:20 PM on May 22, 2011

Besides learning about labido-related attractions in Paris?
posted by whir at 3:28 PM on May 22, 2011

How do they clean it between uses?
posted by Splunge at 3:32 PM on May 22, 2011

How do they clean it between uses?

They wheel over the giant-silicone-tongued-licking-machine and let it go to town.
posted by nathancaswell at 3:49 PM on May 22, 2011 [5 favorites]

er silicon
posted by nathancaswell at 3:50 PM on May 22, 2011

I've made love to Lady Cup. It was sort of awkward and embarrasing and pretty much the opposite of erotic - I really don't imagine humping this thing would be any less so.

(And yes, everything is present and correct with the boys)
posted by Artw at 3:52 PM on May 22, 2011

At least they've solved the "uncanny valley" problem.
posted by chavenet at 3:57 PM on May 22, 2011 [12 favorites]

nathancaswell: "er silicon"

Silicon goes in transistors and CPUs, silicone goes in boobs, plumbing products, and sex toys. The easy way to remember is that a transistor isn't cone shaped.
posted by idiopath at 4:09 PM on May 22, 2011 [2 favorites]

Not even the 3D ones?
posted by Splunge at 4:19 PM on May 22, 2011

"The new technology gets its name from the addition of a small fin that sits on top of the transistor that creates an additional electronic gate on the transistor."

it doesn't sound as likely to be conical as a boob is
posted by idiopath at 4:37 PM on May 22, 2011

is there a point to that second link?

Automatic snark collector.
posted by pompomtom at 4:39 PM on May 22, 2011

If they added a sultry voice talking dirty, you just might have a Fuck Vending Machine.
posted by jonmc at 4:39 PM on May 22, 2011 [1 favorite]

You came here in that? You're braver than I thought.
posted by loquacious at 4:41 PM on May 22, 2011 [4 favorites]

Does it interface with a Wii or PlayStation? The market for "Cock Hero" and "Fuck Fuck Revolution" is there for the taking.
posted by mosk at 4:44 PM on May 22, 2011 [1 favorite]

The first link is dead and the second sucks (sorry, I couldn't resist the childish pun).
posted by cjorgensen at 4:44 PM on May 22, 2011

The link was dead on the first try, but worked the second time.

My reaction is two-fold. One, it makes me think of gloryholes, and not in a good way. Two, it makes me think of vagina dentata, also not in a good way.

But that said, I suspect that the "prosumer", home-use market for this might well be larger than the hospital/spermbank market. And if you figured out how to combine this with a RealDoll, I think you could retire on a tropical island and let the money roll in.
posted by Forktine at 4:48 PM on May 22, 2011

mosk: "Fuck Fuck Revolution"

"If I can't dance shove my penis in it, I don't want to be part of your revolution."
posted by idiopath at 4:49 PM on May 22, 2011 [1 favorite]

Needs little pinball flipper thingys on the side so you can feel like you're part of the game. And a place to put your initials for best score.
posted by hal9k at 5:25 PM on May 22, 2011 [2 favorites]

This seems like a really expensive way to jerk off.
posted by humanfont at 5:30 PM on May 22, 2011

Sexy Ultimate Bundle: WindowsOS and Trojans together for the first time.
/not actually the first time
posted by HLD at 5:33 PM on May 22, 2011

For patients who […] feel uneasy with the traditional erotic magazine and plastic cup method

If I'm uneasy with a magazine and cup, I'm not going to be any less uneasy about a giant technurbation pillar console thing. Am I misunderstanding the source of these peoples' unease?
posted by hattifattener at 5:33 PM on May 22, 2011 [1 favorite]

with a magazine and cup, you need a boner before they can get your splooge

with this thing it can milk it out even if you never get turned on
posted by idiopath at 5:38 PM on May 22, 2011

And then, inevitably, one of these machines will fail and some poor guy will get stuck, and then the firefighters will be called to help get him out, and he'll be humiliated and sue for emotional distress.

Or something like that.
posted by bwg at 5:45 PM on May 22, 2011

I once used one of those automatic blood pressure measuring machines in a drug store. It was out of calibration or something, because it kept pumping, and pumping, and pumping up the pressure until I was in extreme pain, then held if for a long time before finally, very slowly, letting out the air. I ended up with severak bruises on my arm.

I guess my point is that there is no way on Heaven or Earth that I would use one of these machines.
posted by eye of newt at 6:13 PM on May 22, 2011 [1 favorite]

This needs to be paired with a prostate stimulation machine.
posted by porpoise at 6:14 PM on May 22, 2011 [1 favorite]

I once used one of those automatic blood pressure measuring machines in a drug store. It was out of calibration or something, because it kept pumping, and pumping, and pumping up the pressure until I was in extreme pain, then held if for a long time before finally, very slowly, letting out the air. I ended up with severak bruises on my arm.

...

(ノಠ益ಠ)ノ彡┻━┻┻━┻┻━┻
posted by codacorolla at 6:30 PM on May 22, 2011

was that designed by yves behar?
posted by kingv at 6:42 PM on May 22, 2011

This...thing, it vibrates?
posted by jquinby at 6:45 PM on May 22, 2011 [3 favorites]

I have seen fleshjacks on pistons in porn before. They look more fun. This looks like fucking an ATM.
posted by munchingzombie at 6:57 PM on May 22, 2011

deposit comes before the withdrawal
posted by the_artificer at 7:02 PM on May 22, 2011 [1 favorite]

Forktine: " ... if you figured out how to combine this with a RealDoll, I think you could retire on a tropical island and let the money roll in"

Lots of guys would fuck a rock-pile if they thought there was a snake in it, if you could put a big set of silicone cans on this thing -- and maybe an oven, for pizza afterwards -- hey, you do that you'll sell a billion of these things ...
posted by dancestoblue at 7:16 PM on May 22, 2011 [1 favorite]

It makes me giggle to think that the machine, being designed for medical purposes and not as a sexual toy, is about getting the job done and not the comfort of the user. So, they made no attempt to dampen the machinery sound....a loud, metal-on-metal grating sound like a pencil sharpener crossed with a can opener.

*inserts penis*
*sets dials*
*pushes start*
*light turns green*

GRRRRRRRCCCCCHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRRCCCRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGG
RRRRRRRRRRRVVVVVMMMMRRRRRGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGRR
RRRRRRRMMMMMMMMMMMMRRRRRRRRGHGHGHGHGHCCHCHCHCHCH

*ding*
posted by AzraelBrown at 7:27 PM on May 22, 2011 [7 favorites]

Aperture Science!
We do what we must because we can.
posted by Joe in Australia at 8:38 PM on May 22, 2011 [1 favorite]

AzraelBrown's comment prompted me to actually watch the video.

Thing looks much better engineered to reduce sperm count than to aid in measuring it. I mean, ow.
posted by brennen at 8:53 PM on May 22, 2011

deposit comes before the withdrawal

Some of us keep our savings in an old sock under the bed.
posted by sebastienbailard at 8:54 PM on May 22, 2011 [2 favorites]

Excuse me...what exactly is a Lady Cup?
posted by nosila at 9:05 PM on May 22, 2011

(I don't think you mean the menstrual cup, do you?)
posted by nosila at 9:05 PM on May 22, 2011

Any hole's a girl.
posted by breath at 10:29 PM on May 22, 2011

Silicon Valley
posted by a humble nudibranch at 11:36 PM on May 22, 2011

If they dress it up as an animal, and move the control parts further away from the action, this could be an improvement in veterinary science for semen collection. Right now, they use either an artificial vagina with no moving parts, or electricity, or manual manipulation. This seems easier and safer.
posted by Houstonian at 4:05 AM on May 23, 2011

"This seems like a really expensive way to jerk off."

Clearly, this is just one more case where the Chinese are trying to play catch-up with the Japanese.
posted by markkraft at 5:23 AM on May 23, 2011

hal9k: "Needs little pinball flipper thingys on the side so you can feel like you're part of the game. And a place to put your initials for best score"

Something something multi-ball something.
posted by idiopath at 9:08 AM on May 23, 2011 [1 favorite]

Aperture Science!
"I'll be honest, we're throwing science at the wall here, to see what sticks."
posted by xedrik at 10:13 AM on May 23, 2011 [1 favorite]

At least they've solved the "uncanny valley" problem.

uncuhh...nevermind.
posted by zippy at 11:21 AM on May 23, 2011