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"Or don't you like to write letters. I do because it's such a swell way to keep from working and yet feel you've done something." ~Ernest Hemingway
May 23, 2011 5:31 AM   Subscribe

An Open Letter to Writers of Open Letters: To those who feel compelled to address the world from Facebook, Twitter, and email chains, TEDDY WAYNE has a message: No one is listening, least of all Luther Vandross. [TheMorningNews.org]
posted by Fizz (38 comments total) 2 users marked this as a favorite

 
An Open Letter Back To Teddy Wayne:

Stop trying to make "Luther Vandross" happen.

DU
2011-05-23
The Internet
posted by DU at 5:34 AM on May 23, 2011


The worst are the cutesy mini-letters people write in FB or twitter updates:

DEAR MONDAY WHY DO YOU SUCK SO BAD LOL

or

Dear Triscuits i am about to put gouda on you i hope you like it love Brandon.

I call dibs on an auto RTing bot who auto RTs these called 'Dear Internet.'
posted by Potomac Avenue at 5:36 AM on May 23, 2011


I get that guys point, really, but his prose is way too 'clever' and pleased with itself for it's own good.
posted by jonmc at 5:40 AM on May 23, 2011 [6 favorites]


Stop trying to make "Luther Vandross" happen.

Luther Vandross happens all by himself, baby.
posted by jonmc at 5:40 AM on May 23, 2011 [6 favorites]


I see what you did (and kept doing) there.
posted by Uther Bentrazor at 5:48 AM on May 23, 2011


By not responding to this, I am making a comment about the pettiness of criticizing a harmless behavior that can be freely and easily ignored.

dammit<>

I see how that happens.

posted by Salvor Hardin at 5:53 AM on May 23, 2011


Overwritten
posted by nathancaswell at 5:57 AM on May 23, 2011


I'm surprised this letter is so coherent, what with the author obviously masturbating furiously at the delight of their own genius (possibly while ironically listening to Luther Vandross) the whole time.

The lengths people will go to point out that low-hanging fruit are, in fact, as low-hanging as they obviously appear.
posted by dflemingecon at 5:59 AM on May 23, 2011 [3 favorites]


I already said that.
posted by jonmc at 5:59 AM on May 23, 2011


Dear Potomac Avenue,
Really? That's what pegs your "Worst of the World" Meter? Unclench, brother.

Lurve,

NoMich

P.S. - Imma gonna fuck up some Triscuits and gouda now.
posted by NoMich at 6:05 AM on May 23, 2011 [1 favorite]


Dear Haters,

Sometimes unfunny people trying to be funny is worse than not trying at all. I will unclench when they stop trying to ram their broken bon mot up my iAnus.

Snoochie Boochies,

Flopsy
posted by Potomac Avenue at 6:09 AM on May 23, 2011 [3 favorites]


T+G is fucking delicious though I will give you that.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 6:10 AM on May 23, 2011 [1 favorite]


I'm kind of hoping this thread devolves into random Luther Vandross references. 'Cause I've been waiting for something to give me the reason.
posted by anthom at 6:40 AM on May 23, 2011


I am listening.
posted by caddis at 6:45 AM on May 23, 2011


jonmc: "Stop trying to make "Luther Vandross" happen.

Luther Vandross happens all by himself, baby
"

Always and forever, my friend. Always and forever.
posted by dejah420 at 6:47 AM on May 23, 2011 [1 favorite]


Dear Writers of Open Letters who write open letters to the writers of open letters to the writers of open letters: please just stop, OK?
posted by happyroach at 6:59 AM on May 23, 2011


I am pissed. I had such a great open letter to post and now he's gone and talked me out of it.
posted by digsrus at 7:06 AM on May 23, 2011


I like theMcSweeney ones. And I don't do Twitter. So I WIN.
posted by Glinn at 7:09 AM on May 23, 2011


But I don't win at formatting. :(
posted by Glinn at 7:10 AM on May 23, 2011


You know what Luther Vandross thinks of open letters? They're never too much.
posted by Rickalicioso at 7:12 AM on May 23, 2011


HOT BUTTERFLY

Always the #1 summer jam. All summer. Every summer.
posted by mintcake! at 7:53 AM on May 23, 2011


I tried just shaking my fist at things, it wasn't very satisfying.
posted by tommasz at 7:58 AM on May 23, 2011 [1 favorite]


Dear tommasz's fist,

I'm so sorry you got caught in the middle of this.

-m.
posted by mintcake! at 8:02 AM on May 23, 2011 [1 favorite]


I think all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that ordinary decent people in this country are fed up with being sick and tired. I certainly am not. And I'm sick and tired of being told that I am.
posted by Herodios at 8:05 AM on May 23, 2011 [2 favorites]


(still just lovin' that Potomac Avenue called himself Flopsy. and signed off with snoochie bootchies)
posted by likeso at 8:07 AM on May 23, 2011


Just created a Twitter to ReTweeter Open Tweets, @ODearInternet. That'll fix 'em.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 8:26 AM on May 23, 2011


Nice link, mintcake!. Another smooth summer jam, though not related to Luther except for the fact it's on the same playlist in my iTunes as Never Too Much: Smokey's Being With You. And both are included in this compilation CD, which is a good reference for building a sweet playlist.

Ahh I know I'm meandering off-topic, but at least that last link was related to Luther Vandross? Umm... Dear thread, I'm sorry for derailing, love Rickalicioso. Am I ok now?
posted by Rickalicioso at 8:52 AM on May 23, 2011 [1 favorite]


Dear TEDDY WAYNE, Open letters are fine. Blogosphere rants about how shitty open letters are, not so much. Yours in meta-helpfulness, blucevalo. PS: Luther Vandross has never heard of you and wants to know why you're using his name in vain.
posted by blucevalo at 9:05 AM on May 23, 2011 [1 favorite]


DEAR PICKEL JUICE,

DID I GET YOU FREE WITH THE PICKELS OR ARE YOU A HIDDEN COST

IS IT A SCAM
posted by straight at 9:32 AM on May 23, 2011 [1 favorite]


Dear Rogue Sock,

I know you are probably off on Pluto mutating into a paperclip or a clotheshanger, but I would really appreciate it if you would tell all your young relatives not to start their journeys from inside the washing machine. Would help with my peace of mind.

Thanks,
likeso
posted by likeso at 9:46 AM on May 23, 2011 [1 favorite]


I thought it was worth the reveal that Luther Vandross was dead.

For some reason, I feel like I would have laughed a lot more if it were by Dave Barry, probably because of my assurance that he's not going to subject me to what jonmc so aptly called (way too 'clever' and pleased with itself for it's own good)'ness.. it needs the teensiest touch of self-flagellation, too-- that would have offset the tartness of its blaring, smug-jerkoffery just enough, perhaps.

If this guy's a young-ish writer, I wouldn't give him up on him entirely.
posted by herbplarfegan at 12:02 PM on May 23, 2011


Luther Vandross happens all by himself, baby.

Imma play this Vandross
You gon' take your pants off
posted by PeterMcDermott at 12:56 PM on May 23, 2011 [1 favorite]


Open letters are bad, but putting them on a card and selling them somehow makes them even worse.
posted by milkrate at 12:57 PM on May 23, 2011


I wrote this girl an open letter because She Won't Talk to Me

AM I DOIN' IT RIGHT?
posted by randomkeystrike at 1:35 PM on May 23, 2011


Dear Teddy Wayne,

I'm sure you are a lot of fun at parties.
posted by rageagainsttherobots at 2:16 PM on May 23, 2011


Dear Internet jerk (Terry something?),

I know you wrote something, and maybe talked about stuff, but we weren't listening.

Maybe it's because you are a smug, insignificant tool. Maybe it's because you had nothing useful to say. Maybe it's because you were trying to be ironic but, just like Alanis Morrisette, you're too much of an idiot to deploy irony effectively.

I guess we'll never know.

Regards,

The World
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 8:42 PM on May 23, 2011


I wrote an open letter once, but then I folded it and stuck it in an envelope and then mailed it.
posted by bwg at 6:01 AM on May 24, 2011


Dear World.

Teddy tastes good smothered in triscuts and gouda. You could say he smells "gouda" (You like that World? You see what I did there?). Anywhoo, I just wanted to let you know that I for one, like Luther Vandross and hope he returns from the dead to eat Teddy.

P.S. But only if Luther washes him down with some free trade coffee purchased at a local establishment.

P.S.S. By the way, we saw a Luther Vandross concert on VH-1. The man knows how to rock a mustard yellow tux!
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 6:31 AM on May 24, 2011


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