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Indy Meets Han
May 25, 2011 12:40 PM   Subscribe


 
This is much less ridiculous than I imagine Crystal Skull to be.
posted by Brainy at 12:51 PM on May 25, 2011 [5 favorites]


Well done, but still somehow not right. Having said that, it's surprising that something only a few pages long, built at the intersection of two franchises that Lucas has driven into a ditch, can be as good as that is.
posted by mhoye at 12:52 PM on May 25, 2011 [2 favorites]


We named the dog Tatooine.

Sarlaccs. Why'd it have to be Sarlaccs.

Q: What's that?
A: The Death Star
Q: Are you sure?
A: Pretty sure.
posted by 2bucksplus at 12:52 PM on May 25, 2011 [6 favorites]


Getting into a fight with the local natives does not seem to be something Han Solo or Chewie would do. It would have been more fitting if Han Solo had died at the hands of Custer's Cavalry.
posted by KokuRyu at 12:57 PM on May 25, 2011 [1 favorite]


Well, I guess this means I'll never find an agent for my Indiana Jones/Han Solo/Regarding Henry slash crossover novel.
posted by PlusDistance at 12:58 PM on May 25, 2011 [7 favorites]


That sure is two things put together, all right.
posted by Legomancer at 1:03 PM on May 25, 2011 [7 favorites]


Page me when the Chewie/Short Round team-up comes out.
posted by GuyZero at 1:03 PM on May 25, 2011 [1 favorite]


I thought Han and Chewbucca fighting off the natives more or less made sense.

Indy's attitude was a bit weird though - he gave up the search for the Sasquatch just like that?

plus, doesn't the Millennium Falcon belong in a museum?
posted by Bwithh at 1:05 PM on May 25, 2011 [3 favorites]


Indy's attitude was a bit weird though - he gave up the search for the Sasquatch just like that?

Chewbacca wasn't the Sasquatch he was looking for.
posted by Faint of Butt at 1:19 PM on May 25, 2011 [8 favorites]


"it's surprising that something only a few pages long, built at the intersection of two franchises that Lucas has driven into a ditch, can be as good as that is."


Actually, if Mr. Lucas had reduced more things to just a few pages, he may not have driven them into that ditch.
posted by Verdant at 1:23 PM on May 25, 2011


I think Indy can't disturb the ship or Han because he is the reincarnation of Han Solo and seeing his previous life's dead body is freaking him out so he has to leave.
posted by zzazazz at 1:32 PM on May 25, 2011


I had never read this. Loved it. Thanks!
posted by HostBryan at 1:34 PM on May 25, 2011


I have been devoting more thought than is necessary to Han-Solo-Meets-Indiana-Jones today, and I find myself baffled by the oddly-precise 126 years figure. Why 126? Short Round is about ten in Temple of Doom, so this would make the before-the-end part of this story happening about, oh, 1817 or thereabouts.

Besides,I would think a proper Lucasfilm joke would have it 138 years later.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 1:40 PM on May 25, 2011


That's some major bridge dropping on Han Solo right there.
posted by XQUZYPHYR at 2:00 PM on May 25, 2011 [1 favorite]



Getting into a fight with the local natives does not seem to be something Han Solo or Chewie would do.

GERONIMO SHOT FIRST
posted by XQUZYPHYR at 2:02 PM on May 25, 2011 [2 favorites]


Mark this down as one of those things I never knew I needed until I saw it.
posted by fight or flight at 2:05 PM on May 25, 2011


Clearly Indy should have rescued Han Solo and helped the Falcon escape earth.

Having Han killed unceremoniously by Injuns makes no sense. He has a blaster, he's taken out dozens of well-armed storm troopers single-handedly. Chewie is also armed to the teeth. They could have laid waste to a few dozen natives and sent them scurrying for cover.

If not that, the Falcon is also covered in blasters with which to decimate the surrounding forest.

This makes me irrationally angry.
posted by device55 at 2:11 PM on May 25, 2011 [1 favorite]


this is rediculous, the uss enterprise could totally beat inaidna jones in a fight
posted by Greg Nog at 2:35 PM on May 25, 2011 [4 favorites]


Sorry, I'm getting Predator-Alien-Natty Bumpo-Allan Quatermain crossover crap all mixed up in my brain now. What were we talking about again?

Oh yeah.

The appropriate future crossover involves Rick Deckard trying to determine if a cryogenically-frozen-reanimated Indiana Jones is a replicant. Or, of Deckard himself is the replicant ... eh, it doesn't matter. Deckard totally kills Indy.
posted by jabberjaw at 3:01 PM on May 25, 2011 [2 favorites]


That was neat. Thanks, kmz!

"Getting into a fight with the local natives does not seem to be something Han Solo or Chewie would do."

They didn't have a choice! The natives did indeed shoot first, and they've got better aim than any stormtrooper. Poor Han and Chewie have never faced an enemy that can actually hit the target before.

Chewie should have had a couple of arrows in him, too. Or maybe he can charge faster than they can reload.


"Indy's attitude was a bit weird though - he gave up the search for the Sasquatch just like that?

plus, doesn't the Millennium Falcon belong in a museum?
"

If Indy had the slightest inkling of what was buried under that moss, he'd stay for months trying to figure out where the spaceship came from. It would be evidence of a totally new, unknown culture, with samples of many different languages written on all the parts Han and Chewie put together. And if American engineers could figure out how some of the systems worked... Well, no more cold war.

But it had to end the way it did, because this was only a ten page story. Something more full length would probably introduce a new conflict. Indy and Chewie would meet, fight, and then work together against the greater threat. Indy would help Chewie get the ship going (somehow), and he'd have to choose between Earth and the unknown.
posted by Kevin Street at 3:08 PM on May 25, 2011 [3 favorites]


I'm hoping Indie shoots first.
posted by evilelf at 3:10 PM on May 25, 2011


Han Solo comes to earth in 1817? Personally, I would love to see a Han Solo Comes to Regency England story-- imagine the lulz! Imagine the impeccably knotted cravats! One of Weston's own frock coats would go so well with a blaster, in my humble opinion.
posted by suburbanbeatnik at 3:58 PM on May 25, 2011 [2 favorites]


Does this count as steampunk? Steampunk is freaking me out a little. Because I don't know what it is.
posted by angrycat at 4:01 PM on May 25, 2011


in the next to last page, when Indy and the scout are talking about what they are looking for, they missed a golden opportunity in the dialog.

AS SHE IS WRIT

SCOUT: "There must be a cave here or ..."
SCOUT: "This is no cave."

MORE BETTER

SCOUT: "Supposedly there's a ruin, like a wreck or a tomb ..."
INDY: "That's no tomb."

EXCEPT
It actually is a tomb, so my moon/tomb joke doesn't... quite... work.

Darn.
posted by mwhybark at 4:36 PM on May 25, 2011 [1 favorite]


Other nitpicky stuff:

Them Injuns ain't dressed aright fer PNW circa 1817.

Han must wear only polyester or some fabric from a galaxy far, far away if his outfit managed not to rot in the middle of a rainforest.

How the hell long do Wookies live, anyway? Does this mean Harry from Harry and the Hendersons is in fact and not merely inspired by Chewie? Well, fictional fact, that is.

Also, they could have crashed in Tikal and that would seriously have confused Han, although in 1817 the structures were not cleared of vegetation. Catherwood wouldn't be by for another 20-odd years, but one could imagine his litho of the Falcon catching Indy's eye as a boy, 60 years after that. Hm, I think I just came up with the elevator pitch for the screenplay. Something something Fountain of Youth something and voila, it's Indy vs. Han.
posted by mwhybark at 4:47 PM on May 25, 2011 [1 favorite]


Seriously, it all fits. This carving, iirc, was even used by Erich von Daniken in his Chariots bullshit as a possible image of a Maya astronaut. I say it's Han, reclining in the turret crash couch.
posted by mwhybark at 4:51 PM on May 25, 2011


And of course Belloc and the Nazis are all over trying to locate the Falcon, as it's well known Nazis LOVE weird avaition technology.

Sweaty, bugeyed man in a bar waits nervously for someone.

Enter Indy, cloud of fists, action fiasco, etc. Baddies beaten off, sweaty bugeyed man lies dying on the bar, grabs Indy's shirt, tells him of the rumored mystery deep in the jungle.

"They'll stop at nothing, Indy - you must save the Falcon!" gurgle. Curtains.

Holy crap, I'm gonna have dreams bout this now.
posted by mwhybark at 4:55 PM on May 25, 2011 [2 favorites]



Does this count as steampunk? Steampunk is freaking me out a little. Because I don't know what it is.


Way too late.
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 11:37 PM on May 25, 2011


And of course Belloc and the Nazis are all over trying to locate the Falcon, as it's well known Nazis LOVE weird avaition technology.
Sweaty, bugeyed man in a bar waits nervously for someone.
Enter Indy, cloud of fists, action fiasco, etc. Baddies beaten off, sweaty bugeyed man lies dying on the bar, grabs Indy's shirt, tells him of the rumored mystery deep in the jungle.
"They'll stop at nothing, Indy - you must save the Falcon!" gurgle.


MAKE IT SO

posted by J0 at 10:57 AM on May 26, 2011


MAKE IT SO

You got some Star Trek in my Star Wars.
posted by jabberjaw at 6:25 PM on May 26, 2011 [1 favorite]


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