Super Soccer Mario

May 26, 2011 11:21 AM

Last night, my brother, the real football fan, regailed me with stories of a bizarre double life that an English player seemed to be leading. Looks like someone beat me to collecting them all.
posted by LD Feral (19 comments total)

the bullying story is interesting, but overall this is a little bit gossip column. i'll resort to "maybe it's a cultural thing."
posted by mrgrimm at 11:24 AM on May 26, 2011

Don't forget his crime fighting costume.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 11:27 AM on May 26, 2011

At least he can put that hat on by himself.
posted by mattn at 11:32 AM on May 26, 2011 [3 favorites]

He hates bullying so much he bullies a woman and her friends at a restaurant?
posted by katemonster at 11:42 AM on May 26, 2011 [3 favorites]

Once, while Mario Balotelli was traveling through time, he stopped in Achaemenid Persia and prevented the assassination of Darius the Great. According to a source, "Mario feels very strongly about Zoroastrianism, and is generally opposed to assassinations."
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 11:50 AM on May 26, 2011 [10 favorites]

He's going to end up with an ASBO if he keeps shouting in restaurants.
posted by Ad hominem at 11:53 AM on May 26, 2011

Balotelli is a petulant idiot.

If he could stop with the mouthing-off and control himself, both on and off the pitch, he would be a class player, world class. If.
posted by marienbad at 12:12 PM on May 26, 2011 [3 favorites]

Yeah, he hates bullies, but he throws darts at people because he's bored. He seems like an ass who sometimes randomly does something nice.
posted by Huck500 at 12:21 PM on May 26, 2011 [2 favorites]

All I know is that the dude makes a mean plate of pasta.
posted by zeoslap at 12:26 PM on May 26, 2011

Oh please, you all make it sound like throwing darts at soccer players is a bad thing.
posted by Keith Talent at 12:27 PM on May 26, 2011 [1 favorite]

He's soccer's answer to Ocho Cinco.
posted by The Giant Squid at 12:31 PM on May 26, 2011 [1 favorite]

Although not many people know this, but Balotelli has developed an reputation as an excellent online moderator and community builder
posted by KokuRyu at 1:38 PM on May 26, 2011 [3 favorites]

Damn, I was expecting something more literal in that "fights crime" bit.

The Australian national rugby team - the Wallabies - had a prop forward in their ranks off & on for ten years, who lived a double life as an undercover cop.

So there he was, infiltrating bikie drug gangs whilst hoping that nobody would recognise him running around on the big screen at the pub playing against England or the All Blacks. The press had an unwritten agreement never to interview him, not to let the cameras linger on him, and not to mention him in articles more than absolutely necessary. He somehow managed to maintain his secret undercover cop identity throughout his top-level playing career.

ABC Radio story on Dan Crowley, Undercover Prop, here.
posted by UbuRoivas at 1:40 PM on May 26, 2011 [12 favorites]

He's soccer's answer to Ocho Cinco.
posted by The Giant Squid at 12:31 PM on 5/26

Zoom!
posted by gc at 2:02 PM on May 26, 2011

He's soccer's answer to Ocho Cinco.

I was thinking Ron Artest.
posted by Dr. Eigenvariable at 3:12 PM on May 26, 2011

He hates bullying so much he bullies a woman and her friends at a restaurant?

Thats not bullying, thats TCOB.

Taking
Care
Of
Business
posted by hal_c_on at 4:35 PM on May 26, 2011

So there he was, infiltrating bikie drug gangs whilst hoping that nobody would recognise him running around on the big screen at the pub playing against England or the All Blacks.

He should've just worked in Melbourne.
posted by pompomtom at 7:20 PM on May 26, 2011 [1 favorite]

He's soccer's answer to Ocho Cinco.

I was thinking Ron Artest.

I was thinking Manny Ramirez, but I guess Batellli hasn't twice tested positive for steroids.
posted by dw at 10:14 PM on May 26, 2011

These stories say more about how footballers are recreated as comic characters by the press than it does about this particular footballer.

It seems to me that we don't really care if these stories are true or not. We see that the press are building a legend and we enjoy the stories on that level. If they were really worth bothering about, we might start pulling at the threads but then the story collapses, and no-one wants that.

The "Mario Sorts Out A Bully" story is interesting. Anyone who has been to a secondary school in the UK in the last ten years knows that you don't just walk in. They are secure places. You have to sign in before they let you through the gate and get a security badge to identify yourself. Did the unnamed school really choose to do that ?

We've all read the "gives fortune to beggar" story a thousand times, attributed to a thousand people. This story is often used to add depth to the created character, namely "Bad Boy Has Heart Of Gold".

The story about the police asking him about all that cash on his car seat came to me in a slightly different iteration. As I heard it he crashed his car (in the same tunnel as Cristiano Ronaldo when he first arrived in Manchester) and when the police attended he was searched. £5000 in cash was in his pocket.
Policeman : "Why do you have £5000 in your pocket ?"
Mario : "Because I'm rich".

I like it when people work hard to find exactly the right word or phrasing to really sell a story, don't you ?

There's no harm in any of this, I suppose, as long as we don't choose to live in this mutually constructed fantasy world for too long. But the likelihood is that not a single one of these stories is true. I suppose this is a good thing, as when we start debating Mario's ethics and asking Who Does He Think He Is ?, its okay because we aren't discussing anyone who actually exists.

And this isn't exactly the first time. Remember this one : http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article1945590.ece

It should be remembered that Mario's current club Manchester City have been a joke for twenty five years, underperforming massively while watching their deadly rivals crosstown become transformed into the planet's most successful and popular team. Then some rich guys arrived with their pockets stuffed with cash and suddenly City's world has been turned upside down. Most people think that City will overtake United in the next couple of years. It is no exaggeration for me to say I never expected to see such a thing in my lifetime. So, since City fans are witnessing the barely-credible become true before their eyes, its hardly surprising that these risible stories are accepted.

ps the woolly hat reminds me of the fiendish disguise worn by noted criminal Feathers McGraw.
posted by devious truculent and unreliable at 5:04 AM on May 27, 2011 [1 favorite]