"The only horses in the arena were in this bucket."

May 27, 2011 8:51 AM

Horse herpes outbreak forces rodeo queens to ride stick ponies.
posted by hermitosis (90 comments total)

There is no way that article is living up to this description.
posted by brundlefly at 8:52 AM on May 27, 2011 [18 favorites]

The fuck?
posted by swift at 8:54 AM on May 27, 2011 [5 favorites]

This was also just posted in the Onion thread.

That being said, this is pretty much the only thing I have ever seen in my whole life that makes me think that maybe, just maybe, there is a God. And one that cares about my happiness, to boot!
posted by Windigo at 8:54 AM on May 27, 2011 [1 favorite]

Literally unbelievable.
posted by box at 8:55 AM on May 27, 2011 [4 favorites]

Weird...when did Sissy Spacek start doing local news?
posted by phunniemee at 8:55 AM on May 27, 2011

USA! USA!
posted by chococat at 8:55 AM on May 27, 2011 [1 favorite]

Why the long face?
posted by Mooski at 8:56 AM on May 27, 2011 [4 favorites]

These stick ponies, they vibrate?
posted by sageleaf at 8:57 AM on May 27, 2011 [7 favorites]

I feel horrible laughing at sick ponies but oh my god you guys, the bucket of stick horses. I CAN'T EVEN.

send halp.
posted by elizardbits at 8:58 AM on May 27, 2011 [6 favorites]

I have no idea how these people got their horses wedged into their scanners, or why.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 8:58 AM on May 27, 2011 [1 favorite]

My wife's barn has cancelled all of its shows and seminars because of this. It's pretty impossible to get horses into Colorado right now.

Don't know about the "riding a stick horse" thing, but it seems pretty insulting, even for a junior event. The idea that you're testing "the girls' knowledge and ability to adapt" and "This will test if they know the pattern" is pretty awful: it's like taking a driving test on a big wheel and claiming you're testing how well people can parallel park.

Rather than using stick horses, they ought to have issued refunds to everyone and rescheduled.
posted by boo_radley at 8:58 AM on May 27, 2011 [14 favorites]

wild horses herpes couldn't drag me away.
posted by dubold at 9:00 AM on May 27, 2011 [8 favorites]

Performers gonna perform.
posted by Trurl at 9:00 AM on May 27, 2011 [1 favorite]

Wow -- this really is just... wow.

"It will give you experience for if you happen to have a problem like this later in life," Steed said with a smile. "You already have the experience of riding a stick horse!"


Truer words have never been spoken.

Also the fact that the former junior queen's name in this whole pony affair is truly:

Savanna Steed

Also, those purple jeans are awesome.

Also, this may sound like I'm mocking, and I guess I am a little, but I really think it's all just fantastic.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 9:02 AM on May 27, 2011 [3 favorites]

It's stick horses all the way down.
posted by emelenjr at 9:02 AM on May 27, 2011 [1 favorite]

Without coconuts to make the clop-clop sounds I just can't suspend my disbelief.
posted by furiousxgeorge at 9:02 AM on May 27, 2011 [29 favorites]

o.O

Why didn't they simply cancel the event?
posted by zarq at 9:03 AM on May 27, 2011

This. This video will be shown to all my house guests tomorrow when they come over for my BBQ, during commercial breaks of the Indy 500.
posted by spikeleemajortomdickandharryconnickjrmints at 9:03 AM on May 27, 2011 [1 favorite]

Let me pour you an old fashioned while you watch some stick horse. Also, here's a cat getting hugged by another cat.
posted by spikeleemajortomdickandharryconnickjrmints at 9:04 AM on May 27, 2011 [8 favorites]

Barrel racing will be chafe-tastic this year.
posted by Iron Rat at 9:04 AM on May 27, 2011 [2 favorites]

...it's not a joke?
posted by Halloween Jack at 9:04 AM on May 27, 2011

I think you get better mileage with a stick horse.
posted by condour75 at 9:05 AM on May 27, 2011

There is no way that article is living up to this description.

Wrong: The only horses in the arena were in this bucket.
posted by DU at 9:07 AM on May 27, 2011 [2 favorites]

Wow. Christopher Guest's movies have somehow infected reality.
posted by aught at 9:07 AM on May 27, 2011 [15 favorites]

I approve of this.

I would also approve of stick-bullfights.
posted by Capt. Renault at 9:08 AM on May 27, 2011 [3 favorites]

Or stick jousting.
posted by spikeleemajortomdickandharryconnickjrmints at 9:09 AM on May 27, 2011

I'm not into seeing people get hurt but I do want to see someone get thrown off.
posted by vbfg at 9:10 AM on May 27, 2011 [7 favorites]

I want to see the stick horse version of The Godfather. That is all.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 9:11 AM on May 27, 2011

MCMikeNamara: “Also, this may sound like I'm mocking, and I guess I am a little, but I really think it's all just fantastic.”

Not really. An industry and a subculture are sort of collapsing here; or at least fighting hard not to.

This really pisses me off. It's degrading and demeaning.
posted by koeselitz at 9:11 AM on May 27, 2011 [1 favorite]

This could make every event at the Calgary Stampede even better.
posted by jeffmik at 9:12 AM on May 27, 2011 [3 favorites]

Get on my horse, I take you around the universe and all the other places too...
posted by empath at 9:13 AM on May 27, 2011 [2 favorites]

And I love the Stampede but what a weird (and really, how can yo not laugh at this?) way to keep the event going on instead of cancelling it all completely.
posted by jeffmik at 9:14 AM on May 27, 2011

PONYCORN!
posted by symbioid at 9:14 AM on May 27, 2011 [4 favorites]

horse herpes: it's no joke.
posted by quonsar II: smock fishpants and the temple of foon at 9:15 AM on May 27, 2011

And of course, once horses show signs of neurological infection, they'll be killed. And even if they don't, you'd be crazy (as a stable owner) to board horses that test positive for active infections -- constant vaccinations (even above what a horse normally requires) and mandatory vet inspections would put your operating costs and thus rents through the roof.
posted by boo_radley at 9:16 AM on May 27, 2011 [1 favorite]

Not really. An industry and a subculture are sort of collapsing here; or at least fighting hard not to.

This really pisses me off. It's degrading and demeaning.
posted by koeselitz at 9:11 AM on May 27 [+] [!]

That's true, but the pictures still made me laugh.
posted by Stagger Lee at 9:18 AM on May 27, 2011

My wife's barn has cancelled all of its shows and seminars because of this. It's pretty impossible to get horses into Colorado right now.

Yeah, as silly as this seems, the EHV outbreak has a lot of people very concerned. I have a friend in Arizona who trains Lippizan horses, and she was initially very freaked out when the news started making the grapevine in her world. For now, it seems mainly contained, but the possible losses are enormous.
posted by briank at 9:19 AM on May 27, 2011 [2 favorites]

If we want to talk serious concerns, did the cowboys do the same thing, or is this actually just demeaning to women? Honest question, but I know whee my gut is pulling me.

...or maybe I just want to see manly cowboys riding broom horses.
posted by Stagger Lee at 9:21 AM on May 27, 2011 [7 favorites]

This should be a new thing. Like, the next time a western is filmed and there need to be cowboys thundering across the range, it should be guys in full gear, holsters flapping, hats streaming back, sprinting along on their stick ponies.

Absolutely dead seriously.

It could be the greatest movie ever.
posted by quin at 9:24 AM on May 27, 2011 [3 favorites]

You're not only sharing that stick pony with the girl ahead of you in that competition, you're sharing that stick pony with every girl that girl shared that stick pony with before this competition.
posted by vitabellosi at 9:25 AM on May 27, 2011 [11 favorites]

It's actually quite sad ... I hear about this on the news every morning. They've had to put down a few horses who can't walk anymore, and all but canceled (or put into doubt) every equine event in the area for the remainder of the summer. Which out here is a lot of tourism money and prize money going around.
posted by msbutah at 9:26 AM on May 27, 2011

My other stick horse is a Porsche.
posted by schmod at 9:27 AM on May 27, 2011 [1 favorite]

We can put a man on the moon but we can't come up with an equine version of Valtrex?
posted by MikeMc at 9:29 AM on May 27, 2011 [1 favorite]

zarq writes "Why didn't they simply cancel the event?"

There is probably a whole cascading series of higher level events these competitors are hoping to qualify for; if the event doesn't take place the whole year will be shot.
posted by Mitheral at 9:29 AM on May 27, 2011 [1 favorite]

MCMikeNamara: Also the fact that the former junior queen's name in this whole pony affair is truly:

Savanna Steed

Yeah, I noticed that too, and plus when she turns 18 and runs away to southern California and ends up in the porn biz, she won't even have to change her name...

But yeah, this is both funny, and really demeaning to the girls
posted by hincandenza at 9:29 AM on May 27, 2011 [1 favorite]

Paging the product manager in charge of internet memes - we're going to need a large order of stick horses, some flip cameras, and a whole bucket of people inexplicably getting hit in the nuts.
posted by nosila at 9:31 AM on May 27, 2011 [1 favorite]

hincandenza: "

MCMikeNamara: Also the fact that the former junior queen's name in this whole pony affair is truly:

Savanna Steed

Yeah, I noticed that too, and plus when she turns 18 and runs away to southern California and ends up in the porn biz, she won't even have to change her name..."

My coworker, if she had a daughter, wanted to name it Savannah. I told her that was a really really bad idea, for precisely that reason.
posted by symbioid at 9:33 AM on May 27, 2011 [1 favorite]

Sad sweethearts.
posted by sourwookie at 9:39 AM on May 27, 2011

OMG!

There's something for everyone here in the grand ol' U.S.A.!
posted by ericb at 9:50 AM on May 27, 2011

At least they won't have to worry about getting cold saddle sores.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 9:50 AM on May 27, 2011 [1 favorite]

I'm totally blaming this guy.
posted by stormpooper at 9:51 AM on May 27, 2011

"This video will be shown to all my house guests tomorrow when they come over for my BBQ, during commercial breaks of the Indy 500."

Oh, sorry, you hadn't heard? The outbreak of Indy car exhaust pipe hemorrhoids means that the Indy drivers will be driving Yugos.
posted by tomswift at 9:51 AM on May 27, 2011 [2 favorites]

......you're sharing that stick pony with every girl that girl shared that stick pony with before this competition.

This herpes, it migrates?
posted by prinado at 9:58 AM on May 27, 2011 [4 favorites]

Remember that herpes medicine commercial that said you could still go horseback riding?

THIS IS WHAT HAPPEND!!
posted by orme at 10:07 AM on May 27, 2011 [2 favorites]

Fortunately, the bunny dressage competition was uninterrupted.
posted by jph at 10:10 AM on May 27, 2011

Those stick ponies are cute but they leave behind some big piles of sawdust that someone has to clean up.
posted by perhapses at 10:10 AM on May 27, 2011 [1 favorite]

I have ridden
the stick ponies
that were in
the bucket

and which
you were probably
substituting
for ones with herpes

Forgive me
they were delicious
so steed
and so colt.
posted by etc. at 10:14 AM on May 27, 2011 [10 favorites]

The really sad part was at the thoroughbred races later that day, where all the jockeys had to run around the track loudly humming the William Tell Overture.
posted by PlusDistance at 10:20 AM on May 27, 2011 [2 favorites]

EHV-1 information from APHIS.

And I second basically everything boo_radley posted.
posted by Uniformitarianism Now! at 10:20 AM on May 27, 2011

never look a gift horse in the mouth sore.
posted by machaus at 10:23 AM on May 27, 2011 [3 favorites]

This kind of event is even too gay for the International Gay Rodeo Association!
posted by hippybear at 10:28 AM on May 27, 2011 [2 favorites]

hippybear wild drag race! I totally want to go to a gay rodeo now.
posted by selenized at 10:31 AM on May 27, 2011

These stick ponies, they vibrate?

"With a stick horse it's a lot different because you have to do all the work, and I think it's going to be a lot more tiring than with a real horse," said contestant Kylie Felter.

Felter.
posted by Kabanos at 10:33 AM on May 27, 2011 [2 favorites]

Are there special stick horse regulations which require you to do that limpy side-step or can you just walk?
posted by Jode at 10:36 AM on May 27, 2011 [1 favorite]

This is how it started in Bladerunner.

"Is that a real horse?"
"Do I look like I can afford a real horse?"
posted by cjorgensen at 10:45 AM on May 27, 2011 [2 favorites]

I know, right? I hope some girl goes bonkers with it as a matter of protest. Start of tra la la galloping through the routine, and then the stick horse FLIPS THE FUCK OUT and sprints all around the arena.

This isn't funny, this girl could get hurt. This stick horse is really out of control. Finally, after knocking over some barrels or a table or something, the stick horse trips, rolls, and break's its stick.

Girl feels bad for the stick horse. I mean, yeah, it was a crazy horse, but she liked its passion, its individuality. Ain't gonna let them prolong your pain, lil' sticky. I'm with you til the end.

Girl then shoots stick horse in head with cap gun.
posted by spikeleemajortomdickandharryconnickjrmints at 10:45 AM on May 27, 2011 [12 favorites]

The only horses in the arena were in this bucket.

And this other bucket, over here - why is it full of roosters?
posted by Kirth Gerson at 10:56 AM on May 27, 2011

It could have been worse. Colt crabs or stallion syphilis, perhaps.
posted by Decani at 10:58 AM on May 27, 2011

I'm kind of surprised that nobody has made a joke about riding bareback yet.
posted by selenized at 11:00 AM on May 27, 2011 [1 favorite]

hippybear wild drag race! I totally want to go to a gay rodeo now.

selenized: Um... well, you're in Alberta, CA (according to your profile)...

The Canadian Rockies International Rodeo is in Calgary, July 1-3 2011. If you want to be there, you should be. Gay rodeos are pretty awesome events. I attended every year for quite a while when I lived where there was one within easy reach.

Here's a full list of IGRA competitions. It looks like several 2011 events have been cancelled. I wonder if that's due to this outbreak of disease.
posted by hippybear at 11:03 AM on May 27, 2011

hippybear: Yes I am in the middle of Canadian cowboy country, and yet I have never heard of this. This is totally on my calendar for post Canada day road-trip.
posted by selenized at 11:05 AM on May 27, 2011 [1 favorite]

"A Horse Herpes Outbreak Forces Rodeo Queens to Ride Stick Ponies" sounds like a really bad Steven Sufjan outtake.
posted by abcde at 11:09 AM on May 27, 2011 [3 favorites]

We can put a man on the moon but we can't come up with an equine version of Valtrex?

IANAV, but the human herpesvirus thymidine kinase-targeting drugs don't seem to work on EHV1 infections.
posted by benzenedream at 11:09 AM on May 27, 2011

My coworker, if she had a daughter, wanted to name it Savannah. I told her that was a really really bad idea, for precisely that reason.

When I named my daughter Savanna back in the 80's, it was an uncommon name that seemed feminine and sweet. Within 5 years, every other stripper, porn star and snot-nosed trailer park brat was named Savanna(h). Apparently "Savanna" became the new "Crystal".

My daughter hates her name and changed it as soon as it occurred to her that she could. I'm totally sending her this link.

I still think Savanna is a beautiful name. But Savanna Steed...lol.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 11:10 AM on May 27, 2011 [1 favorite]

Sufjan Stevens! Sufjan Stevens! Oh God, my indie cred...
posted by abcde at 11:10 AM on May 27, 2011 [1 favorite]

This really pisses me off. It's degrading and demeaning.

Seriously. Those girls look embarassed to be doing this. They're expected to smile and do something utterly stupid so that everyone else can laugh at them? If I would have been asked to do this above the age of say, five, I would have told them right where they could go.

This is probably why I am still unemployed today, but whatever.
posted by triggerfinger at 11:12 AM on May 27, 2011 [1 favorite]

Looks like they're shy one stick horse.


Or they brought two too many.
posted by perhapses at 11:25 AM on May 27, 2011 [1 favorite]

I want to see the stick horse version of The Godfather. That is all.

Will this do?
posted by Wet Spot at 11:40 AM on May 27, 2011

This does seem pretty awful. Then again, maybe I just need to get off my high horse.
posted by en forme de poire at 11:57 AM on May 27, 2011

Dude.

If I were a teenage girl and I went to a rodeo to ride my horse.

And they said "here is this stick pony, ride it instead,

in the middle of a huge arena,

in front of spectators."

I would tell them to get fucked.

Although I'd probably be more polite about it, and maybe have a hint of a Texan accent.

But I can not understand how they actually got this to happen.
posted by kavasa at 12:11 PM on May 27, 2011

See how he dances
See how he loops from side to side
See how he prances
The way his hooves just seem to glide
He's just a one stick pony (that's all he is)
But she turns that stick with pride.
posted by SPrintF at 12:23 PM on May 27, 2011

A parade near Portland OR last weekend cancelled the equestrian entries. :(

Equestrian Division: No award, all withdrawn due to equine herpes virus.

[newspaper link, dunno how long it'll work]
posted by epersonae at 1:05 PM on May 27, 2011

A rodeo queen went riding out one dark and windy day
Her horse not having herpes, she went along her way
When all at once a mighty herd of stick horses she saw
A-resting in a barrel just like a child'ld draw

Their sides were made of hickory and their heads a nice plush feel
Their reins were of black plastic and they didn’t take no meals
A bolt of fear went through her as they lazed under that sky
For she saw the judges point her ride to her, and she let out mournful cry

Yippie yi Ohhhhh
Yippie yi yaaaaay
Stick Riders in the sky
posted by Capt. Renault at 1:17 PM on May 27, 2011 [1 favorite]

Well, to be honest, Serene Empress, Savannah Dork isn't exactly euphonius... (kiddin, it's a pretty name; thass why the strippers like it.)
posted by theora55 at 1:30 PM on May 27, 2011

We need a song, mellow 70s... I Just Want To Be Your Stick Pony.
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 2:40 PM on May 27, 2011

kavasa: “Dude. If I were a teenage girl and I went to a rodeo to ride my horse. And they said "here is this stick pony, ride it instead, in the middle of a huge arena, in front of spectators." I would tell them to get fucked. Although I'd probably be more polite about it, and maybe have a hint of a Texan accent.”

I could name at least a dozen teenage girls here in Colorado who would not have been nearly so polite as "go get fucked" in such circumstances.
posted by koeselitz at 3:57 PM on May 27, 2011

Well, to be honest, Serene Empress, Savannah Dork isn't exactly euphonius... (kiddin, it's a pretty name; thass why the strippers like it.)

Her actual last name sounds really pretty with her first name. But had she married her high school boyfriend and taken his last name, her name would have been just awesomely pornish. Kind of too bad he wasn't husband material, I would have enjoyed making fun of her immensely.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 5:55 PM on May 27, 2011

I know "herpes" sounds funny, but EHV1 is the nastiest variant of the equine herpes virus. We don't yet have a vaccine that's effective against it (vaccines effective against other variants, but not EHV1) and it causes neurological damage if not death. We have had a mild panic here in FL because a horse in my county came down with it; it seems that outbreak is contained, but we're still afraid for our horses.

It's contagious, there's no way to prevent it, and it's deadly. If there's EHV1 around, NOBODY wants to expose their horses.

I still don't understand the stick horse thing.
posted by galadriel at 7:10 PM on May 27, 2011

Is it just me, or did anyone else notice they selected stick horses to match their outfits? I suppose that might be considered an advantage, especially if they had something custom made for future competitions. I am sure it would cost much less than a saddle.
posted by annsunny at 11:15 PM on May 27, 2011

Guys it's not a beauty contest, it's a scholarship competition.
posted by RolandOfEld at 12:41 PM on May 31, 2011