Cold Steel

May 27, 2011 7:51 PM

Cold Steel is a company that produces and sells weapons to the mass market. This is a revealing promotional video focusing on its founder, Lynn Thompson, who describes the philosophy behind his business..
posted by codacorolla (122 comments total)

"When you're a soldier, when you're an armed man, who wants to mess with your house?"

Ask Jose Guarena.
posted by symbioid at 7:56 PM on May 27, 2011 [25 favorites]

"One of my heroes is King David, he is the only man in the Bible that God said was a man after his own heart, but he was a man of the sword, he was a warrior."

Well, there was that Jesus fellow.
posted by axiom at 8:00 PM on May 27, 2011 [13 favorites]

"Who wants to go out there and make fun of me?"

...And suddenly the rest of the video makes sense. This guy sounds like a geek just like many of the rest of us.
posted by Blasdelb at 8:00 PM on May 27, 2011 [5 favorites]

Doesn't living like King David mean you have to send someone out to the front and steal their wife? Or am I just remembering the Bathsheba story incorrectly?
posted by lesbiassparrow at 8:02 PM on May 27, 2011 [4 favorites]

"One of the opportunities that you get with hunting is you get experience with killing, and you learn how to kill and not have your emotions take over and destroy you."

And this is a good thing?
posted by -->NMN.80.418 at 8:03 PM on May 27, 2011

Cold Steel used to boast that its Two-Handed Machete "delivers enough cutting power to lop off heads and dismember limbs".

Their cutting demonstration videos use of lot of "clothing over meat" setups.
posted by Trurl at 8:06 PM on May 27, 2011

No, Cold Steel is a front operation for the Aesir Corporation. Fucking Valkyr.
posted by postel's law at 8:11 PM on May 27, 2011

I have yet to see a video of this man that doesn't reek of deep-seated insecurities, and showcase him trying far, far too hard to cover them up. It's unfortunate, and really kind of sad, and it's clearly reflected in Cold Steel's catalog: there are some absolutely first-rate, durable and well-built knives and tools in there, but getting past the mess of mall-ninja tacticalol products, branding and marketing to find them is almost impossible.
posted by mhoye at 8:12 PM on May 27, 2011 [14 favorites]

Mall ninja creates company, lives the dream.
posted by Naberius at 8:14 PM on May 27, 2011 [4 favorites]

I watched the whole thing and my only beef with the guy is where he talks gleefully about killing a rhino, an elephant, a hippo, a cape buffalo, a leopard and a lion. No need for that man.
posted by BeerFilter at 8:16 PM on May 27, 2011 [3 favorites]

This video makes me want to punch this guy for sport.
posted by Pecinpah at 8:16 PM on May 27, 2011 [2 favorites]

I had a friend in college who owned a few Cold Steel swords. Consequently, whenever the company came out with a new promotional DVD release they'd send him several free copies in the mail. He gave me one of these DVDs once. Some friends and I watched it, and it was absolutely hysterical. There were two double-sided discs full of 45 second long clips of cold steel employees (Lynn Thompson included) using every single one of the company's weapons to TEAR SHIT UP.

They set up increasingly baroque arrangements of sausages, soda bottles, rope coils, and abstract deer statues and attacked them with types of weapons I didn't even know existed. Every time, their jowls would flap in excitement and they'd let out grunts betraying a level of satisfaction I have never known. The subsequent self-satisfied one-liners were fantastic.

The entire viewing experience was surprisingly cathartic. As silly as all this was, there was a deep human satisfaction to watching things being sliced apart that we could not deny. This combination of ironic humor and primal instinct kept us mesmerized, and we spent an entire day watching the entire DVD set. When we'd finally finished, every object we looked at was suddenly a great candidate for a good chopping. We walked down the sidewalk, rating most of the objects we passed by for their sliceability. "Do you think I could slice through that telephone pole?"

If you ever get a chance to watch a Cold Steel promotional DVD, do not pass it up. And start with the video about blowdart guns.
posted by One Second Before Awakening at 8:18 PM on May 27, 2011 [33 favorites]

If you ever get a chance to watch a Cold Steel promotional DVD, do not pass it up.

You can request one free at the company web site.

It's the nearest I've come in real life to that scene in Cronenberg's Crash where they're sitting in Elias Koteas' living room watching car crash videos.
posted by Trurl at 8:24 PM on May 27, 2011 [5 favorites]

previously
posted by Pruitt-Igoe at 8:26 PM on May 27, 2011

No comments allowed on Youtube video + Philip Glass "make up your own mind" derivative music + repeated use of dumbbell punching shot

=

"We are scared ****less that he's going to realize that we're mocking him and come after us."
posted by circular at 8:26 PM on May 27, 2011 [1 favorite]

I actually like him a lot better having seen this. Midway through I wanted to make fun of the fatty but I think I actually like him.

You don't need to get a DVD from them - all the material is on youtube. They have a channel. My favorite is the one where they chop through cowboy boots stuffed with meat.
posted by RustyBrooks at 8:31 PM on May 27, 2011 [3 favorites]

cowboy boots stuffed with meat
And we've all met people who fit that description.
posted by Abiezer at 8:34 PM on May 27, 2011 [28 favorites]

I actually like him a lot better having seen this. Midway through I wanted to make fun of the fatty but I think I actually like him.

I had completely the opposite reaction.
posted by codacorolla at 8:35 PM on May 27, 2011 [3 favorites]

big man. big big man. wanna be a warrior? go in the fuckin' army and see how awesome you are, dude.
posted by symbioid at 8:37 PM on May 27, 2011 [2 favorites]

He seems ill at ease when he's boxing.
posted by ColdChef at 8:42 PM on May 27, 2011

I feel like his wife has to put up with a lot of crying.
posted by orme at 8:46 PM on May 27, 2011 [10 favorites]

Their promotional videos have made my day, start with this one with the red faced comb-overs flying in the wind, and just click through them!
posted by Blasdelb at 8:47 PM on May 27, 2011

Macho Macho Man..
posted by stbalbach at 8:48 PM on May 27, 2011

He pretty much says it all himself "I was the fat kid on school and everyone picked on me".
posted by schwa at 8:54 PM on May 27, 2011 [2 favorites]

I will say the Cold Steel sword videos occasionally have a guy show up with this boss moustache and a one-armed leather jerkin teaching you how to fight in a duel using a cavalry sabre. I've always kind of wanted to take up historic fencing - maybe I just saw The Duellists too many times - and that section of that video (I think it's "Sword Proof") gave me some useful exercises to do to that effect.

Mostly, though, the videos are just hilarious and in no way should you expect to learn anything other than "wow, these guys are kind of pathetic." And I say that as a person who owns multiple knives ordered through Cold Steel for no reason other than "I like knives," so, you know, pot, kettle.
posted by titus n. owl at 8:54 PM on May 27, 2011 [2 favorites]

Personally I'd just like to ask him if he's aware that "warrior" is actually one career choice our society offers to any who are willing.
posted by koeselitz at 8:54 PM on May 27, 2011 [3 favorites]

Oddly enough, he is almost universally hated on the knife nut forums, for a host of plainly bullshit reasons. The real reason: for most of those guys, it hurts too much to look in the mirror.

I have no problem with him. He's successful at what he does, and it affords him all his pleasures in life. Sure, he's a buffoon. But it makes him a good living.
posted by 2N2222 at 9:04 PM on May 27, 2011 [7 favorites]

Personally I'd just like to ask him if he's aware that "warrior" is actually one career choice our society offers to any who are willing.

A "warrior" is a like "warfighter" but without duty to obey orders and with bonus medieval weapons.
posted by exogenous at 9:07 PM on May 27, 2011 [1 favorite]

He's successful at what he does, and it affords him all his pleasures in life. Sure, he's a buffoon. But it makes him a good living.

Wait. Is he running for Congress?
posted by The Hamms Bear at 9:11 PM on May 27, 2011 [1 favorite]

what
posted by anigbrowl at 9:12 PM on May 27, 2011 [7 favorites]

my only beef with the guy is where he talks gleefully about killing a rhino, an elephant, a hippo, a cape buffalo, a leopard and a lion. No need for that man.

Perhaps, but you really should see his vest.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 9:14 PM on May 27, 2011 [12 favorites]

This guy is like the NRA's version of Alexsey Vayner.
posted by i less than three nsima at 9:17 PM on May 27, 2011

Of course if you do want to buy a sharp cutty thing Albion Swords (a favourite of Dan Carlin of Hardcore History fame) aren't making these kinds of nutjob videos and seem to make excellent weapons.
posted by schwa at 9:17 PM on May 27, 2011 [5 favorites]

I'd really like to know where these guys live where they think they need a machete to be nearby at all times.

I know if I lived in a place like that, I'd want to, you know, move.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 9:20 PM on May 27, 2011 [3 favorites]

This guy is the knife version of Jimmy Rabbitte from The Commitments. He's obviously spent hours practicing his answers to questions no interviewer will ever, ever, ever ask.

Lynn, swords and spears and handguns are a lot of fun, and I wish you all the best in your hobbies. But you should probably drop the "warrior" appellation you've adopted for yourself. You have no more right to that title than "King of France". I have a fire extinguisher in my kitchen. I don't go around telling folks I'm a firefighter.
posted by Nahum Tate at 9:35 PM on May 27, 2011 [13 favorites]

Videos like this make me afraid that the future is going to be Liberia-style Bible-thumping cannibal militias led by guys like Lynn Thompson.
posted by dunkadunc at 9:45 PM on May 27, 2011 [5 favorites]

I bought a Zulu Assegai from this guy. I've killed many a cardboard box with it.
posted by dirigibleman at 9:47 PM on May 27, 2011 [1 favorite]

I don't really care if the guy is a buffoon or not (SPOILER: HE IS). But I'd care if the blades Cold Steel makes are any good. If I were in the market, I mean. Are they any good? My gut says probably not. But maybe this guys childhood trauma has given him steel-forging superpowers.
posted by Justinian at 9:53 PM on May 27, 2011

Ned: Do you know the first thing about sword fighting?
Arya: Stick ‘em with the pointy end.
posted by Rangeboy at 9:57 PM on May 27, 2011 [10 favorites]

a cold steel khukri rests in our headboard of our bed. I heard it's one way of keeping your marriage together. We certainly don't go to bed angry. Much. If you stab your knife into the headboard, and leave it there through the night, it will make afraid the demons that cause nightmares, is another stuporstition. I don't know, I just love knives. My house is litteraly littered with them. I also have the throwing torpedo, and a few other Cold Steel knives. They are excellent, and that khukri will be the first thing I snag if zombies run amok. It never runs out of bullets. It IS my axe when camping. Truly the best of a big camp knife and an axe
posted by Redhush at 10:01 PM on May 27, 2011 [3 favorites]

But I'd care if the blades Cold Steel makes are any good. If I were in the market, I mean. Are they any good?

Yeah, they're good. His company designs and markets the knives, the knives themselves are manufactured around the globe by competent cutlery factories. Some of the designs are really quite unique. The high end ones I tend to think are overpriced, but bad they are not.
posted by 2N2222 at 10:03 PM on May 27, 2011

"Bullshit reasons" being lifting designs from other knife makers and then using the Vanilla Ice defense when it's revealed and libeling competitors, mainly.

As far as the quality goes, you might luck out, but for the most part their products are shoddy pieces of shit.

'Least, that's what I've gathered from my survivalist/knife enthusiast friends.
posted by NEW Eccentric Girl at 10:31 PM on May 27, 2011 [2 favorites]

"One of my heroes is King David, he is the only man in the Bible that God said was a man after his own heart, but he was a man of the sword, he was a warrior."

Ah, yes. Another fanatically strict vegan who thinks pig is a vegetable.

What exactly did God say about David being a man of the sword?

But the word of the LORD came to me, saying, 'You have shed much blood and have waged great wars. You shall not build a house to my name, because you have shed so much blood before me on the earth. Behold, a son shall be born to you who shall be a man of rest. I will give him rest from all his surrounding enemies. For his name shall be Solomon [which means 'peace'], and I will give peace and quiet to Israel in his days. He shall build a house for my name. 1 Chronicles 22:8-10
posted by straight at 10:32 PM on May 27, 2011 [6 favorites]

Not only was this guy picked on repeatedly as a child, he's now begging the public to continue the cycle.

It would feel so great to fulfill his wishes.
posted by secondhand pho at 10:35 PM on May 27, 2011

A subject is comedy gold when even the YouTube comments are pretty good.
posted by roquetuen at 10:42 PM on May 27, 2011 [1 favorite]

Trurl: "It's the nearest I've come in real life to that scene in Cronenberg's Crash where they're sitting in Elias Koteas' living room watching car crash videos."

I just shuddered a little thinking about people watching these vids and feeling each other up in sexual heat. I didn't need that image right now.

Oh, and killing the various 'dangerous animals'.... like that giraffe right there in the picture.
posted by pjern at 10:48 PM on May 27, 2011

It's a big man who shoots herbivorous animals in their natural habitat with a firearm and can curl a whopping 15lbs repeatedly.

I think the poor turd misses his daddy.
posted by hellslinger at 11:06 PM on May 27, 2011

"Bullshit reasons" being lifting designs from other knife makers and then using the Vanilla Ice defense when it's revealed and libeling competitors, mainly.

As far as the quality goes, you might luck out, but for the most part their products are shoddy pieces of yt shit.

Yeah, still bullshit reasons. Take anything from "survivalist/knife enthusiasts" with a grain of salt. As for breaking, they all break. Any brand you can think of. Oddly enough, the libel doesn't seem to bother knife nuts as much, except for the Mick Strider followers (Yes, knife companies have very devoted followers), because Strider's offense is one taken very seriously by the self described warriors class.

If you want to see someone who really polarizes knife nuts? Go to http://knifetests.com/, and watch a similarly clownish guy deliberately break knives. Very highly respected brands. Heads exploded when the knife world's equivalent of "your favorite band sucks" discovered youtube.
posted by 2N2222 at 11:13 PM on May 27, 2011

I'd really like to know where these guys live where they think they need a machete to be nearby at all times.

Looks like he's in Ventura, California. Although to be fair, if you rode your sweet, meat bicycle to work every day, you would probably want to protect it with a great sword as well.
posted by ActingTheGoat at 11:15 PM on May 27, 2011 [1 favorite]

"they think they need a machete" - A machete is one of the handiest 'other' tools to have in a carpenter's toolbox.
posted by Ardiril at 11:46 PM on May 27, 2011 [1 favorite]

I liked the part where he discusses how dangerous his hunting trips are, then segues seamlessly into bragging about from how far away he can shoot an animal.
posted by auto-correct at 11:54 PM on May 27, 2011 [1 favorite]

my only beef with the guy is...

He's abusing perfectly good looking brisket. Monster.
posted by greenskpr at 11:58 PM on May 27, 2011 [1 favorite]

This little dumpling seems to have the intellectual maturity of a 15 year old boy.
posted by Jibuzaemon at 12:28 AM on May 28, 2011 [1 favorite]

Swords will fucking cut you wide open
posted by munchingzombie at 12:31 AM on May 28, 2011 [2 favorites]

> As far as the quality goes, you might luck out, but for the most part their products are shoddy pieces of shit.

Oh shit. If that Tosh.0 video is right, their awesome greatsword isn't even full tang. Fuck That Noise.
posted by mrzarquon at 12:51 AM on May 28, 2011

Example of Cold Steel's tang issue.

Yeah, whatever this guys blowhard attitude is, its even more rediculous when he is making swords that pathetically weak.
posted by mrzarquon at 12:55 AM on May 28, 2011

This little dumpling seems to have the intellectual maturity of a 15 year old boy.

Hey, hey, I was once a 15 year old nerd, and while I was plenty bad, I was never *that* bad.
posted by rodgerd at 1:17 AM on May 28, 2011

If you stab your knife into the headboard, and leave it there through the night, it will make afraid the demons that cause nightmares, is another stuporstition. I don't know, I just love knives. My house is litteraly littered with them.

Psycho alert.
posted by dickasso at 1:36 AM on May 28, 2011 [1 favorite]

Doesn't living like King David mean you have to send someone out to the front and steal their wife? Or am I just remembering the Bathsheba story incorrectly?

And then there's the whole boyfriend thing...
posted by Grangousier at 1:43 AM on May 28, 2011 [1 favorite]

There are many things jaw-droppingly awesome and geeky about Cold Steel and this guy. This video does nothing to change that balance.

But since we're speaking about Cold Steel, what always struck me about the videos was how many of their chop-a-thons were staged in the parking lot of a generic looking office park, highway traffic roaring in the background. I've had occasion to work or otherwise spend time in such places, and there is something soul-crushing about their uniformity etc. etc. However, I imagine if I found myself stranded in such a place, and one day I'm walking out the door to get my mandated dosage of sunlight, and I espy some large mustachioed men with swords and blowguns attacking oil drums...well, it would change my life.
posted by Edgewise at 1:51 AM on May 28, 2011 [4 favorites]

I'd really like to know where these guys live where they think they need a machete to be nearby at all times.

With one word, I can tell you why everyone needs a machete nearby at all times: zombies.
posted by crataegus at 2:46 AM on May 28, 2011

No need for that man.

My feeling is you meant to say "no need for that, man", but I'm really liking the original anyway.
posted by tumid dahlia at 3:26 AM on May 28, 2011 [2 favorites]

The fact that this is a promotional video about the wealthy founder of a profitable business that is titled "Life on the Edge" tells me everything I need to know about him.
posted by moonbiter at 3:41 AM on May 28, 2011

Who kills a giraffe?
posted by Sreiny at 4:08 AM on May 28, 2011 [5 favorites]

I just wish I knew the ancient art of Rex kwon do.
posted by hal_c_on at 4:19 AM on May 28, 2011

I've always been pleased with the quality of Cold Steel products. They create replicas of weapons that work along with workaday knives, at a reasonable price. Are they the best in the world? No. But they're very affordable and durable.

Not mall-ninja junk at all.

Lynn loves what he does for a living; we should all be so lucky.
posted by entropos at 4:27 AM on May 28, 2011 [5 favorites]

Wow. I knew people like this in high school. I guess they actually don't grow up.
posted by odinsdream at 4:57 AM on May 28, 2011

I grew up being taught that there was a difference between a soldier and a warrior. The former were very proud of the fact that they were not the latter.
posted by Mick at 5:18 AM on May 28, 2011

I'm not a physically violent man. Last week I went to the military surplus store to buy a messenger bag. They had a knife display and I stopped, mesmerized by the kukri and various military knives.
I'm not sure why, but something about them...

I didn't buy any though.
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 5:18 AM on May 28, 2011 [3 favorites]

Their promotional videos have made my day, start with this one with the red faced comb-overs flying in the wind , and just click through them!

Is that Ron Swanson?
Like power metal, part of me thinks this is stupid and part of me wants one.
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 5:22 AM on May 28, 2011

Who kills a giraffe?

He strangled it.
posted by StickyCarpet at 5:42 AM on May 28, 2011 [1 favorite]

Haters gonna hate.

Okay, yeah, I couldn't say that with a straight face...
posted by LordSludge at 6:14 AM on May 28, 2011 [1 favorite]

From my time as a knife nut, my impression was exactly that Cold Steel made mall ninja stuff and mediocre knives.
posted by callmejay at 6:16 AM on May 28, 2011

Oh shit. If that Tosh.0 video is right, their awesome greatsword isn't even full tang. Fuck That Noise.

Because full-tang swords ain't nothin' to fuck with.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 6:21 AM on May 28, 2011 [5 favorites]

I don't understand why everyone is hating on this guy. So he's weird. Who cares? How is it effecting your life? I could understand if you're griping about his hunting. But so he wants to call himself a warrior, fine.

Are you guys the same people who like to find LARPers in a park and laugh at them?
posted by toekneebullard at 6:42 AM on May 28, 2011 [3 favorites]

That guy is living, breathing evidence that the words in the Bible can be interpreted to support just about anything.
posted by Daddy-O at 6:50 AM on May 28, 2011 [1 favorite]

A lot of you kind of sound like assholes.
posted by RustyBrooks at 6:53 AM on May 28, 2011 [3 favorites]

oh man those aerobics weights are so unfortunate
posted by nathancaswell at 7:17 AM on May 28, 2011

Metafilter: Every time, their jowls would flap in excitement and they'd let out grunts betraying a level of satisfaction I have never known. The subsequent self-satisfied one-liners were fantastic.
posted by mecran01 at 7:35 AM on May 28, 2011 [6 favorites]

This is all very funny to me.

Mostly because in the UK you have to be an adult to even buy a kitchen knife. Or weirder still Bostik PVC Pipe Weld bonding adhesive.

There are however people in the area who drive WWII tanks around.
posted by srboisvert at 7:35 AM on May 28, 2011 [1 favorite]

I taught my son and his friends in the neighborhood how to throw knives when they were around 7 years old. I also drilled safety rules and enforced the use of protective equipment when they got the bug to shoot airsoft guns. They have all learned archery in my back yard. I have taken them fishing and kayaking. When the expressed an interest in blowguns, we made our own blowguns and darts. Upcoming lessons will include making fires with a bow drill and finding and filtering water, and having a deep respect for the natural world. Knives are one of the first and most invaluable tools, I am an amateur knifemaker, and I teach all the kids I come in contact with how to respect them and use them for their intended purpose. Not to mention telling them all the places not to carry them. We live in a generic suburban neighborhood. and I have permission from the parents to teach the kids this stuff, and they get involed on rare occasions, when they have time. You know what my kid learns when he visits the other kids homes?
Call of doodie 4
Call of doodie black ops
Red dead redemtion
You want to consider me a psycho, go right ahead. I like knives for many reasons, some as irrational as artistic appreciation, some as practical as getting those paper thin slices out of a ripe tomato, but in my eyes, the psychos are letting their pre pubescent kids play hyper violent video games because it keeps them safely on the couch and out of their parents hair
posted by Redhush at 7:46 AM on May 28, 2011 [18 favorites]

You know what my kid learns when he visits the other kids homes?

Something like this? (I love this video)
posted by fungible at 7:53 AM on May 28, 2011 [6 favorites]

> I don't understand why everyone is hating on this guy. So he's weird. Who cares? How is it effecting your life?

Because for many of us his obsession with weapons and chopping other humans apart and his conviction that he's a "warrior" when he's in fact a fat capitalist read like the worst of the rest of the country in microcosm.

I live in a country which spends as much money on weapons as all the rest of the world put together and yet is constantly talking about threats from other countries. Many of us believe that America's obsession with weapons and killing is our greatest threat.

This man is almost parody of the very worst of this swaggering paranoia and that's why some of us have such a problem with him.
posted by lupus_yonderboy at 7:58 AM on May 28, 2011 [19 favorites]

knives and stabbing weapons
posted by nathancaswell at 8:03 AM on May 28, 2011

affordable and durable

That was my impression as well - although any true fancier would rightly dismiss me as noob. They certainly look sturdy enough in the videos.

Then any nominations for the Honda Civic of knives? Not much to look at but cheap and gets the job done?
posted by Trurl at 8:22 AM on May 28, 2011

Then any nominations for the Honda Civic of knives?

Mora knives. I dunno if they are to be had cheaply in the US but they're certainly cheap here and they're pretty much as good as anything.
posted by Authorized User at 8:28 AM on May 28, 2011

We have discussed Cold Steel previously.

Mora knives are indeed great, you can get one in the US for about $10 and they do everything you can reasonably expect a knife to do.
posted by ChrisHartley at 8:32 AM on May 28, 2011 [1 favorite]

Are you guys the same people who like to find LARPers in a park and laugh at them?

No, this is they guy the LARPers make fun of. Because at the end of the day LARPers are aware that they're doing improv theatre, where as this guy believes that he's actively in a war. It's the difference between the guy with an Aspie level of awareness about the Napoleonic war and the biography of Napoleon, and a person who believes they ARE Napoleon.
posted by Phalene at 8:33 AM on May 28, 2011 [3 favorites]

lupus_yonderboy: Because for many of us his obsession with weapons and chopping other humans apart and his conviction that he's a "warrior" when he's in fact a fat capitalist read like the worst of the rest of the country in microcosm.

I cannot favorite this comment hard enough.
posted by moonbiter at 8:45 AM on May 28, 2011

I wonder if he uses the alias Rusty Shackleford.
posted by Talanvor at 9:10 AM on May 28, 2011 [1 favorite]

A real man makes his own knives the old fashioned way: hitting a piece of flint with another rock many, many times.

Also: I killed a spider in my bathtub this morning with only a piece of toilet paper!

Kneel before me and worship your new Warrior God!!
posted by double block and bleed at 9:37 AM on May 28, 2011 [1 favorite]

My beef with LT is this: he bills himself as the head knife fighting instructor at CS.

Thing is, as far as I've been able to ascertain, LT has never cut or stabbed a person in anger, nor actually dealt with the results of mutilating the human body with a knife while fighting for his life.

For all his hippo-killing & giraffe-strangling, as far as I can tell, he's a very well-read virgin selling DVDs on sexual technique based on dry-humping in class.
posted by Pirate-Bartender-Zombie-Monkey at 10:16 AM on May 28, 2011 [3 favorites]

but for the most part their products are shoddy pieces of shit.

A bit OT perhps but this is an interesting discussion @ Blade Forums.
posted by MikeMc at 10:39 AM on May 28, 2011

"I taught my son and his friends in the neighborhood how to throw knives when they were around 7 years old.

I'm teaching my kids how to sit at a computer monitor and use a drone to kill people thousands of miles away. In other words, I'm teaching them to be REAL warriors, not geeky primitive weapons recreationists like the Cold Steel guys.
posted by happyroach at 10:57 AM on May 28, 2011

I've seen the Cold Steel stuff in the BUDK catalog, when some of the guys in my RPG group were passing it around. BUDK includes items that are even more fanciful (and probably worse-made, given the prices) than the Cold Steel knives and swords--stuff like this.

The people that were really interested in some of the stuff generally fell into two groups. One group were the people who were interested in the stuff purely for decoration. I've got a friend of mine who has some swords displayed up on his wall, but I'm not too worried about him pulling a katana off the wall and confronting neighbors with it; not only is he pretty well grounded, he's actually had martial arts instruction and knows the reality of using swords and such. The other group... well, it's really just the one guy, the one who isn't really able to socialize even by the loose and somewhat baroque standards of nerds. He seems to have a rich inner life; he'll mime sighting a rifle even in games that don't involve guns, apparently at random. I saw him at the grocery store, and he had a couple of foam-rubber swords stuck in his backpack, crossed ninja-style.

He's the one that I'm worried about. I'm not worried about my buddy who might want to take the sword down once in a while and heft it in his hand, dreaming of the clash of arms on armor in some distant battlefield under a blood-red sky, as long as he doesn't have friends over that get so drunk that they insist on taking the sword down and playing with it even when he tells them not to. The other guy, though... I could kind of see him going Walter Sobchak on someone for playing their music too loud. And although Lynn Thompson--who is, at the end of the day, a successful businessman and probably pretty well-centered--may just be playing the role to get business from similar-minded folk, he certainly comes off as being on the edge of the other category when he goes on about King David, whose accomplishments and power were almost certainly exaggerated.
posted by Halloween Jack at 11:29 AM on May 28, 2011 [1 favorite]

> Then any nominations for the Honda Civic of knives? Not much to look at but cheap and gets the job done?

Depends on the "job."

I picked up a Gerber remix 2 blade at a fry's for $10, and it is the essence of cheap (but well made) folding knife that has two blades, and is useful for a lot of around the house knife stuff (opening boxes, cutting rope, etc).

A fixed blade knife, full tang (meaning the steel the blade is made of runs the entire length of the handle, it isn't fastened on to the hilt with a screw), can really last a long time. You can get a basic one from Gerber, with serrated edges, for around $40 or so. I usually prefer a Tanto tip on my outdoor knives, as I found I am less likely to break the tip off one when contact splitting wood, etc.

Of course, when it comes to cooking, I prefer something like a japanese folded blade such as the Kershaw Shun knife, which I'd never consider using anywhere besides my kitchen.

I used to be really into outdoor survival, reading Tom Brown's books and building shelters from dead branches and leafs, etc. If I wanted to bring an emergency outdoor knife, I noticed now that Bear Grylls has a knife through Gerber that has a decent collection of stuff "on the knife." (I really like Gerber stuff in case you haven't noticed).
posted by mrzarquon at 11:35 AM on May 28, 2011 [2 favorites]

Too easy.
posted by gallois at 11:57 AM on May 28, 2011

And if he's so hell bent on being a total warrior, shouldn't cutting back on a few donuts be high on his list?
posted by gallois at 11:59 AM on May 28, 2011 [1 favorite]

These guys have been making awesomely hilarious videos since when VHS was still king, since at least the mid-90's.

I don't know their swords, but their every-day knife stuff is solid, if unspectacular, and reasonably affordable. I have a couple of punch dagger from them that're pieces of minimalist art and a large (LARGE!) folding tanto that was surprisingly durable as a brush clearer and branch chopper.

Sure, they are totally mall ninja, but this mall ninja stuff is good enough for zombies, especially if you picked the right piece(s).

pro-tip: when looting the mall knife/sporting-goods store, remember to grab a whetstone or two

hides credit card from self. want their cheapish kukri soo bad
posted by porpoise at 12:35 PM on May 28, 2011

I yeah, I forgot another oregon based knife company, Benchmade, makes awesome stuff as well, in case you are looking for stuff that comes without the extra weird weight of nerd fantasy fetishization.
posted by mrzarquon at 12:51 PM on May 28, 2011 [1 favorite]

Dunno... balisongs score pretty high on the "nerd fantasy fetishization" chart.
posted by ryanrs at 12:57 PM on May 28, 2011

Compared to producing videos of slicing pigs in half with a poorly made broadsword, balisongs aren't even on the same scale.
posted by mrzarquon at 1:08 PM on May 28, 2011

And this little piggy went "Wee! Wee! Wee!" all the way to the hospital where he received eight stitches.
posted by ryanrs at 1:16 PM on May 28, 2011

Then any nominations for the Honda Civic of knives? Not much to look at but cheap and gets the job done?

I'm a big fan of CRKT's M16 line of folding knives. Flips open with one hand, locks open into a virtual fixed blade if you need it to. The price is a bit misleading -- you can usually find these for around $30 if you look. I've carried the same one every day since 2006, and if it ever breaks I fully intend to buy another one just like it.
posted by vorfeed at 3:45 PM on May 28, 2011

He pretty much says it all himself "I was the fat kid on school and everyone picked on me".

He's still the fat kid on the block and if he ever winds up in the slammer he will still be pricked on.
posted by notreally at 3:57 PM on May 28, 2011

I've always had a bit of mixed feelings when it comes to Cold Steel. I've obviously talked about my love of their Zulu spears in the past, and some of their more expensive stuff (like their original Tanto) are just spectacularly well made, but there has always been a kind of sweaty desperation in their marketing that I found both a little sadly endearing and, at the same time, vaguely off-putting.

Basically, I'm really glad they exist as a company, but I also cringe when I see the videos nowadays.
posted by quin at 4:38 PM on May 28, 2011

> I've obviously talked about my love of their Zulu spears in the past

Have you seen the SOG spirit? looks like a long handled dagger, until you realize its threaded to go on a broom stick.
posted by mrzarquon at 4:42 PM on May 28, 2011

I'm a big fan of CRKT's M16 line of folding knives.

I love the CRKT M16s, but I sent them to the drawer when I got my Gerber Mini Covert Applegate-Fairbairn. I still like the blade shape on the M16, but everything else about the Gerber is nicer; the clip sits right at the top, so the entire knife is in your pocket and won't get snagged on stuff, it's actually quite small so it doesn't freak people out when they see it, and it can be opened and closed with one hand very quickly. My wife actually calls it my "magic trick" where I'm holding a package or something, and I absentmindedly take out the knife, open it, cut the package open, close it, and put it back in my pocket all without paying attention or the knife being really noticeable.

Plus, like the M16, it only costs $30, so if I lose it or damage it, I don't have to be too sad about replacing it.
posted by quin at 4:56 PM on May 28, 2011 [1 favorite]

Tinker Swords are the best swords I have ever picked up. I started learning how to use swords in the SCA when I was 16 or so but lately have been too active (i was for about 15 years) and by far the tinker swords have the best balance, feel and overall seriousness. They are the kind of sword I would want for a far off battlefield under a blood red sky. Albion used to have some tinker designed swords. I have a hand and a half sword from albion that is quite solid and i enjoy being competent with. I realize the practical use of sword is extremely unlikely and mostly just like being good at some archaic skills.

Cold steel makes some pretty good knives and such but they are way mall ninjaey overall and ever sword and machete I have picked up from them does not feel up to actually cutting down your foes all day long. What happened on TOSH.0 show is what cheap swords do when you actually use them.

This guy is a blowhard that seems to have turned the corner to believing his own bullshit.
However, there does seem to be a element on metafilter that does not like to acknowledge we live in an imperfect world that sometimes requires violence to be met with violence and not be reasoned with. Competence and interest in weapons does not mean you lust to hurt anyone. Often it just means you are not willing to be easy meat.
posted by bartonlong at 5:52 PM on May 28, 2011 [2 favorites]

Never been into knives much, but I did meet a knifemaker when I installed his DSL a few years back. His name is Michael Walker, and his knives are definitely more art than survival: http://www.knifeart.com/advimwa.html As far as functionality they are excellent and made with care, but people don't spend thousands on a knife of his because they are worried about zombies (and that's the type of price his knives typically fetch). By the way, the locking mechanism on those knives is patented, and from what I gather that's how he got the money together to do what he does now, which is make a limited amount of artisan quality knives he sells to collectors. He showed me his workshop, which is mostly big machinery used to do the layering and plating. He said they nearly didn't get one machine up there to his house in the hills, a beast of a device weighing more than most cars, which apparently isn't made anymore. He said he makes about 12-20 knives a year. If I ever have enough money to spend a lot on a knife (other than for cooking) it will be one of his, but it will probably be put on display and never used for zombies or tomatoes.
posted by krinklyfig at 6:22 PM on May 28, 2011

My wife noticed I've been looking at knives on the internet all day and asked if I was looking for the perfect one to kill her with. Thanks MeFi.
posted by MikeMc at 7:46 PM on May 28, 2011

This man is almost parody of the very worst of this swaggering paranoia and that's why some of us have such a problem with him.

When I tried to explain to my Aussie friends that I was worried about not being able to buy any personal protection devices (not even TAZERs or MACE) when living alone some of them suggested I was clinically paranoid.

That aside, there are many people who are bigger and stronger than I am. There aren't many ways for me to match up to them.
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 9:05 PM on May 28, 2011

So, just a PSA for people who might have knives lying around. Say you have a decorative knife, doesn't even have to be sharp, just pointed. Maybe you think a perfectly reasonable thing to do with this knife is to set it on the shelf of a bookcase as a display item/random piece of cool junk. One night you might be innocently sitting on the toilet, when your significant other starts SCREAMING and you rush down the hall to find him standing next to the bookcase with the dagger protruding from his knee. And he turns to you and says "Pull it out."

(It wasn't as bad as it looked, only went in about 1/2 inch and not into anything important. )

But, yeah, maybe don't leave them lying around because you never know when your cat is going to play with it and leave it pointing out into the room.
posted by threeturtles at 11:21 PM on May 28, 2011

Gerber Guardian in a leather sheath sewn into the inside of my boot. Not a very practical knife, but menacing.
posted by nathancaswell at 5:23 AM on May 29, 2011

...my Gerber Mini Covert Applegate-Fairbairn.

I found one of those sitting on top of the stack inside a free paper news box. I suspect that the sighting of an approaching parole officer or some such may have been involved.
posted by StickyCarpet at 10:05 AM on May 29, 2011

I really need a sword because I live in the jungles of Burma.

No, wait. I live in a suburb of Seattle with mini-vans and kids on bikes and Little League games and supermarkets. My biggest civic concern is how the city council is apportioning funds for an aquatics center. What am I going to do -- stand at the town library with a Claymore, a kilt and blue face paint, screaming about commercial taxes?
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 11:07 AM on May 29, 2011

What am I going to do -- stand at the town library with a Claymore, a kilt and blue face paint, screaming about commercial taxes?

Then they'd just hit you with tear gas and a fire hose...
posted by the_artificer at 12:14 PM on May 29, 2011

Then they'd just hit you with tear gas and a fire hose ...

ARRRGH! Not the video of that guy again! He fucked up my commute that day! They closed down three city blocks to deal with that knucklehead.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 12:29 PM on May 29, 2011

On the plus side, atleast they didn't shoot him this time.
posted by mrzarquon at 1:11 PM on May 29, 2011

If you liked these videos, you should see the DVD that comes along with the (incredibly great) Spyderco Sharpmaker, which is a device for sharpening knives, scissors, fishhooks, peelers, etc., etc., etc. The demo is staged like a talk show....but a talk show done in front of a table covered with presumably-dull tools.
posted by wenestvedt at 7:35 PM on May 29, 2011

Knife knerds please report to the Green Room; knife knerds to the Green Room, please.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 11:37 AM on May 30, 2011

I wondered whatever happened to the Star Wars Kid.
posted by digsrus at 7:29 PM on May 30, 2011 [1 favorite]