Tastes like Summer's Eve

May 31, 2011 1:17 PM

You've probably heard of Ed Hardy clothing, but did you know that there is also a full range of Ed Hardy beverages?

If you don't feel fistpumping while doing shots of Ed Hardy vodka, you also have the option of indulging in a glass of Ed Hardy wine or kicking back with a frosty Ed Hardy beer. Of course, if you're teetotal, you may also prefer Ed Hardy Structured Water. Those with a more, shall we say, refined taste might instead consider Christian Audigier wines and beverages for their delectation.

After all, "It's not just a wine, it's a lifestyle."

posted by superquail (98 comments total)

Saw these at a local gas station, wept for humanity.
posted by HostBryan at 1:19 PM on May 31, 2011 [1 favorite]

Apparently, there is a whole series of books about his sons. They're targeting the kids now too!
posted by Chipmazing at 1:22 PM on May 31, 2011 [7 favorites]

But you have to drink it from a douchenozzle.
posted by inturnaround at 1:22 PM on May 31, 2011 [26 favorites]

I work at a liquor store. I've never seen any sell. People who try to buy it never seem to have a valid ID.
posted by The Potate at 1:25 PM on May 31, 2011 [6 favorites]

Ed Hardy Sparkling Rose? That's two horrid tastes that taste horrid together.
posted by GuyZero at 1:26 PM on May 31, 2011

Man, that "Structured Water" is pretty impressive in how many different ways it's dumb as a bag of hammers.
posted by brundlefly at 1:26 PM on May 31, 2011 [6 favorites]

There is also Sailor Jerry Rum.
posted by Ad hominem at 1:27 PM on May 31, 2011

I spotted Ed Hardy lighters at a Sheetz in Northern Virginia this past weekend. Classy.
posted by MrMoonPie at 1:28 PM on May 31, 2011

The "Structured Water":

Ed Hardy structured water is natural alkalized calcium ionized living water and is treated with reverse osmosis for maximum purity as well as infra-red stimulation and electromagnetism to create the best (+) positively charged hexagonally shaped structured water ever. By using their proprietary technology they are able to break up the larger molecules into smaller hexagonally shaped and now STRUCTURED MOLECULES, which are much more easily absorbed by the cells inside our bodies. The absorption rate of hexagonally shaped structured water molecules is a much as four (4) times more efficient than water that is not structured, which enables you to drink less water while achieving hydration faster and more efficiently.

what is this I don't even
posted by GuyZero at 1:28 PM on May 31, 2011 [45 favorites]

People who buy "structured water" should be shot on the grounds of being generally detrimental to the future of humanity.

I make no apologies for saying this.

OK, OK, fine, look, what if we simply sent them to a brutal labor camp?
posted by aramaic at 1:30 PM on May 31, 2011 [11 favorites]

Wow. Structured water: because our bodies evolved with it in mind.
posted by RolandOfEld at 1:30 PM on May 31, 2011

What I mean to say is exactly what aramaic said.
posted by RolandOfEld at 1:31 PM on May 31, 2011

Wow, I can drink like Guy Fieri dresses?

*eyes tear up with cartoon joy*
posted by Kitteh at 1:33 PM on May 31, 2011 [8 favorites]

Don Ed Hardy on making the deal with Audigier: from SF Gate, page 2

"Aesthetically, it looks good. I'm not ashamed of the stuff," Hardy says. He originally partnered with the fashion firm KU USA. Audigier flipped when he saw Hardy's work and made a deal with KU to market it. Hardy knew nothing about Audigier until he looked him up on Google and read about a party he'd hosted "in some secret location with Puff Daddy and all these people." He called one of his partners and said, "This guy is at ground zero of everything that's wrong with contemporary civilization. However, if he wants to make a lot of money with my art, and it's not going to be overtly negative, then what the hell."

Props.
posted by nutate at 1:33 PM on May 31, 2011 [10 favorites]

EARTH HAS SIMULTANEOUS 6-SIDED STRUCTURED WATER MOLECULE.
posted by anthom at 1:33 PM on May 31, 2011 [15 favorites]

Ed Hardy Sparkling Rose? That's two horrid tastes that taste horrid together

Tastes like roses, with a hint of skulls!
posted by Tavern at 1:33 PM on May 31, 2011

Ignoring the "structured water" for a moment, who the fuck even buys Ed Hardy products? Maybe it's because I'm in the Portland Bubble and don't get out to the burbs much, but I have yet to catch one of these imbeciles who wear this overpriced branded shit. Their products are gaudy and of low quality, so it's obviously an imbecile who has too much money who pisses it away on ugly shit.

Back to structured water: it has approximately 3% acetic acid for its cleansing properties.
posted by Mister Fabulous at 1:33 PM on May 31, 2011

wept for humanity

Weep not. Money must be extracted from these people if the economy is somehow to survive. Imagine the effect on global trade should the Hardyists reach the end of their buying potential.
posted by jsavimbi at 1:34 PM on May 31, 2011 [2 favorites]

Ed Hardy beverages

Brewed with real low-hanging fruit!
posted by drjimmy11 at 1:34 PM on May 31, 2011 [28 favorites]

Yeah, I'm pretty surprised about the structured water. Kinda flies in the face of Audigier's reputation for intellectual rigor and nutritional science.
posted by BeerFilter at 1:35 PM on May 31, 2011 [3 favorites]

Brand oversaturation.

who the fuck even buys Ed Hardy products?

I think it's the brand's attachment to wonton hedonism that has the appeal. With a few hundred dollars worth of merchandise, you can join the party as well. It's a cheap status symbol, really. It's not that it's a $400 shirt, it's the fact that one has $400 to spend on a shirt. Attaching more things onto the brand adds to the whole "lifestyle" image that people want to make themselves a part of.
posted by hellojed at 1:35 PM on May 31, 2011

funny timing, i'm actually wearing a frank and joe hardy v-neck sweater as we speak
posted by facetious at 1:36 PM on May 31, 2011 [2 favorites]

I think Ed Hardy products serve a valuable purpose. They easily allow me to identify people I don't want to be around.
posted by eyeballkid at 1:36 PM on May 31, 2011 [5 favorites]

People who hate Ed Hardy are surprised to learn of Don Ed Hardy. It's really interesting to see exactly where the line between hipsters, bros, and douchebags is drawn.
posted by cell divide at 1:36 PM on May 31, 2011

Ignoring the "structured water" for a moment, who the fuck even buys Ed Hardy products? Maybe it's because I'm in the Portland Bubble and don't get out to the burbs much, but I have yet to catch one of these imbeciles who wear this overpriced branded shit. Their products are gaudy and of low quality, so it's obviously an imbecile who has too much money who pisses it away on ugly shit.

I always imagine that they're targeting the 40-something male going through a mid-life crisis trying to re-live their 20s and failing miserably.
posted by gyc at 1:36 PM on May 31, 2011

Where does this Ed Hardy Lifestyle group of people hang out so I can cross these places off my list of places to go?
posted by Threeway Handshake at 1:36 PM on May 31, 2011

who the fuck even buys Ed Hardy products

I'm guessing you just don't go to the "right" nightclubs that are swarming with these douche. I don't really either, but sometimes I'll tag along with friends and find myself stumbling into places that make me instantly puke all over the dancefloor. At first I thought it was the alcohol, but nope, it was just the sight of all that Ed Hardy.
posted by naju at 1:39 PM on May 31, 2011

I think it's the brand's attachment to wonton hedonism that has the appeal

Because if you buy six, you get eggroll.
posted by briank at 1:39 PM on May 31, 2011 [24 favorites]

Where does this Ed Hardy Lifestyle group of people hang out so I can cross these places off my list of places to go?

Apparently not a couple of clubs or strip clubs around here. There are signs on the door noting the ban on any "Ed Hardy" clothing from entering the establishment. I also enjoy the one floating around the internet noting "Only one person wearing TAPOUT clothing per group."
posted by Mister Fabulous at 1:39 PM on May 31, 2011

There is also Sailor Jerry Rum.

And what, may I ask, is wrong with Sailor Jerry?
posted by Faint of Butt at 1:40 PM on May 31, 2011 [1 favorite]

> It's not that it's a $400 shirt, it's the fact that one has $400 to spend on a shirt.

Or $15 at Marshall's.
posted by legion at 1:40 PM on May 31, 2011 [3 favorites]

Man, the Wonton Hedonism festival was great and all, but not really what I expected; plus, I was hungry an hour later. I hope the Boy Scout-sponsored sextent training is everything I hoped for.
posted by MrMoonPie at 1:40 PM on May 31, 2011

four

WHAT

(4)

OH
posted by penduluum at 1:41 PM on May 31, 2011 [10 favorites]

It's not that it's a $400 shirt, it's the fact that one has $400 to spend on a shirt.

Holy shit those shirts cost $400? To look like you got attacked by a silk screen and bedazzler gang?
posted by Hoopo at 1:41 PM on May 31, 2011 [6 favorites]

Where does this Ed Hardy Lifestyle group of people hang out?

Just follow the scent of Axe Body Spray.
posted by benito.strauss at 1:41 PM on May 31, 2011 [4 favorites]

GuyZero: The "Structured Water":
...
what is this I don't even

Yeah, it's like they're mocking the buyer. Are people buying and consuming this ironically? And there's a whole website catering to specialty WATER? I understand that not all water tastes the same, but at some point, does water become a "bottled beverage"?

Anyway, if you live in any one of a dozen "Wine Country" regions around the US, you'll notice everyone has a specialty wine label. They're not typically sold in proper wine shops, but in wine-related gift shops.
posted by filthy light thief at 1:41 PM on May 31, 2011

eyeballkid: "I think Ed Hardy products serve a valuable purpose. They easily allow me to identify people I don't want to be around"

The first time I heard anything about Ed Hardy it was a sentiment like this one, and I've associated the brand with "douchebag redflag" ever since. However, I don't think I've ever actually encountered it in the wild. Maybe I'm not paying enough attention.

Or maybe there just isn't a large Ed Hardy contingent in Berkeley.
posted by brundlefly at 1:41 PM on May 31, 2011

I have been blissfully unaware of this Ed Hardy enterprise.
And, now, you have ruined that.
posted by Thorzdad at 1:41 PM on May 31, 2011

I'm also quite fond of the sad parade of celebrities and not-so-famous types shown on the "energy drinks" page. For example, this shot of Andy Dick, looking even more eponysterical than usual.
posted by anthom at 1:42 PM on May 31, 2011

It's just vinegar and water, right?
posted by Pruitt-Igoe at 1:43 PM on May 31, 2011

Ed Hardy energy drinks are pretty delicious though. How's grocery in North Hollywood used to carry them for a while before they closed. I loved them because they created a great buzz but weren't overly sweet, like Monster and the like.
posted by suburbanbeatnik at 1:43 PM on May 31, 2011 [1 favorite]

Quick, someone notify Bobby Bottleservice
posted by munchingzombie at 1:46 PM on May 31, 2011

Don Ed Hardy

It is facinating to me how this stuff is marketed and sold. Von Dutch went from Hot Rods and Pinstriping to hats? Ed Hardy went from tattos to $400 glitter shirts? Now everybody has a Sailor Jerry purse.

And what, may I ask, is wrong with Sailor Jerry?

Sailor Jerry is the next Ed Hardy.
posted by Ad hominem at 1:46 PM on May 31, 2011

#vokka
posted by (Arsenio) Hall and (Warren) Oates at 1:48 PM on May 31, 2011 [2 favorites]

Oh crap, the same joke was made in the title.
posted by Pruitt-Igoe at 1:50 PM on May 31, 2011

Sailor Jerry is the next Ed Hardy

Sailor Jerry tattoos, or stuff inspired by his work, have been popular for a little while now.
posted by dubold at 1:50 PM on May 31, 2011

I think this song here sums up how I feel about these products.
posted by Kitteh at 1:51 PM on May 31, 2011 [4 favorites]

Ed Hardy: it's everywhere you don't want to be.
posted by BigHeartedGuy at 1:54 PM on May 31, 2011

Sailor Jerry is the next Ed Hardy.

To Davey Jones with that. I drink Sailor Jerry because I'm a crusty old pirate, and no douchebag landlubber is going to take that away from me.

(Sailor Jerry is my third-favorite everyday recreational rum, after Gosling's Black Seal and Kraken. Captain Morgan Private Stock is an acceptable fourth place. My favorite premium, special-occasion rum is Gosling's Old, and my favorite medicinal rum is Pusser's. Can we talk about rum instead?)
posted by Faint of Butt at 1:54 PM on May 31, 2011

superquail: "You've probably heard of Ed Hardy clothing, but did you know that there is also a full range of Ed Hardy beverages?"

Yes, I did. It's the preferred beverage of AXE-wearing date rapists and hairgelled dickbags far and wide.
posted by dunkadunc at 1:54 PM on May 31, 2011

At least Kenny Howard was dead. His family sold him out.
posted by jbelshaw at 1:55 PM on May 31, 2011 [1 favorite]

Okay, Wonton is actually a dumpling and not an adjective meaning excess. So much for wordplay.
posted by hellojed at 1:56 PM on May 31, 2011

I know there are Ed Hardy beverages because I work for a company that distributes both the beer and wine. I can totally hook you up if you want some. At wholesale cost!!!!
posted by something something at 1:57 PM on May 31, 2011

My sixty-two year old spinster schoolteacher aunt really likes Ed Hardy muscato. I got totally shitfaced on it at her house over Easter weekend. It just tasted like sweet, right up to the point where it tasted like the next morning. I can't really complain, honestly.
posted by padraigin at 2:01 PM on May 31, 2011 [2 favorites]

We are selling the shit out of that moscato right now. To be fair, though, moscato is the Hot Thing right now and all of them are doing really well.
posted by something something at 2:03 PM on May 31, 2011

I would call my aunt to let her know she's at the forefront of the curve but I do not want to interrupt her Bones Season Five marathon.
posted by padraigin at 2:06 PM on May 31, 2011 [7 favorites]

Faint of Butt:

How is Kraken, my usual is Gosling's but I see the bottle, and it's so well designed, i worry the booze isn't good

ase
posted by PinkMoose at 2:07 PM on May 31, 2011

Ed Hardy = Lisa Frank for the teenage set.
posted by azpenguin at 2:11 PM on May 31, 2011 [10 favorites]

Whoa! That was spot on, azpenguin!
posted by Mister_A at 2:14 PM on May 31, 2011

I like Kraken rum. Plus, when you are ready for some more, you can say "Unleash the Kraken!"
posted by exogenous at 2:14 PM on May 31, 2011 [4 favorites]

Rum will always be less pretentious than fancy vodka. The fact that Sailor Jerry is delicious and 92 proof helps too.
posted by furiousxgeorge at 2:27 PM on May 31, 2011

I like the edhardy graphic style. I apologize.
posted by theora55 at 2:30 PM on May 31, 2011

Yay for Garfunkel and Oates! Raps that call out Margaret Sanger! Don't miss their song "Sex with Ducks".
posted by benito.strauss at 2:31 PM on May 31, 2011 [1 favorite]

I am still in awe at how this brand takes something classic and cool - old-skool tattoo art - and makes it look like ten tons of gaudy tat. I imagine Sailor Jerry rum is to rum as Frosty Jacks is to cider - sweet and chemically and sort of like a bad dream.
posted by mippy at 2:32 PM on May 31, 2011

Sailor Jerry is the next Ed Hardy

Damn it.

To be fair, though, moscato is the Hot Thing right now and all of them are doing really well.

DAMN IT.
posted by Big_B at 2:37 PM on May 31, 2011

I am still in awe at how this brand takes something classic and cool - old-skool tattoo art - and makes it look like ten tons of gaudy tat

It starts out as a simulacrum of authenticity, a sort of liminal culture cred. See trucker hats, PBR, tattoos and California hot rods, and now retro gaming and geek culture. It morphs into something beyond recognition that bears little resemblance to it's origin as it chases a wider audience.
posted by Ad hominem at 2:45 PM on May 31, 2011

this party just took a turn for the douche

thought it was a perfect party
now it's just a lotta ed hardy
posted by radiosilents at 2:47 PM on May 31, 2011

Faint of Butt: "And what, may I ask, is wrong with Sailor Jerry?"

Not a god damn thing, if you ask me.
posted by caution live frogs at 2:47 PM on May 31, 2011 [2 favorites]

How is Kraken, my usual is Gosling's but I see the bottle, and it's so well designed, i worry the booze isn't good

Kraken is quite good, and if you like Gosling's I think you'll like Kraken as well. It's actually a spiced dark rum, which to my knowledge hasn't been done before. The nose is heavy on molasses and not too boozy, and it goes down very smooth with a slow, warm finish that goes all the way to your fingertips.
posted by Faint of Butt at 2:50 PM on May 31, 2011 [1 favorite]

I'd feel worse about judging Ed Hardy guys on sight if I hadn't been right every single time.
posted by EatTheWeak at 2:53 PM on May 31, 2011 [4 favorites]

More disturbing, however, is the frequent and apparently unironic use of the compound word "mouthfeel" in the beer reviews. Is that a thing? I guess that's a thing. Ick. There's gotta be a better word, beer fans.
posted by EatTheWeak at 2:57 PM on May 31, 2011

Mouthfeel is a product's physical and chemical interaction in the mouth, an aspect of food rheology. It is a concept used in many areas related to the testing and evaluating of foodstuffs, such as wine-tasting and rheology. It is evaluated from initial perception on the palate, to first bite, through mastication to swallowing and aftertaste. In wine-tasting, for example, mouthfeel is usually used with a modifier (big, sweet, tannic, chewy, etc.) to the general sensation of the wine in the mouth. Some people, however, use the traditional term, "texture". Mouthfeel is often related to a product's water activity, hard or crisp products having lower water activities and soft products having intermediate to high water activities.
posted by furiousxgeorge at 3:11 PM on May 31, 2011 [2 favorites]

It does sound like an overly friendly way of greeting someone.
posted by brundlefly at 3:13 PM on May 31, 2011 [2 favorites]

Can we talk about rum instead?

Yes. Tell me about medicinal rum.
posted by kenko at 3:25 PM on May 31, 2011

Ed Hardy? Very expensive white trash.
posted by grubi at 3:30 PM on May 31, 2011

Yes. Tell me about medicinal rum.

That's the rum you drink not for the flavor, but because it's the dead of winter and a single shot will warm you straight to the bone and prevent your toes from falling off. Pusser's, the rum of the Royal Navy, is perfect.
posted by Faint of Butt at 3:38 PM on May 31, 2011

i knew his son when i lived in mpls. sort of a prick. i really hope he's not making any money off any of this. i'm sure he is. jerks always win somehow.
posted by rainperimeter at 3:57 PM on May 31, 2011

For medicinal rum, you can't go wrong with a visit from Uncle Wray.
posted by Chichibio at 4:48 PM on May 31, 2011

That said, I'd be lying if I said I never drank W&N on a regular summer weekend, with no danger of frostbite for miles. It's the best thing for a big fruit punch of drunk.

If I want to be snooty, I'll reach for El Dorado or anything from Guyana. But I'll never abandon my uncle.
posted by Chichibio at 4:54 PM on May 31, 2011

Screech is cheap, and a little boozy tasting, and people here joke about it. Still the flavour has a surprisingly good toasted caramel quality.
posted by Pruitt-Igoe at 5:11 PM on May 31, 2011

Wow, I can drink like Guy Fieri dresses?

There's a lady who works at Food Network who sells books at our store, she dished a bit, but all she had to say about Guy is that he's " a really fun guy."
posted by jonmc at 5:11 PM on May 31, 2011

(Sailor Jerry is my third-favorite everyday recreational rum, after Gosling's Black Seal and Kraken. Captain Morgan Private Stock is an acceptable fourth place. My favorite premium, special-occasion rum is Gosling's Old, and my favorite medicinal rum is Pusser's. Can we talk about rum instead?)

I don't see Rhum Barbancourt mentioned there, sir.
posted by jonmc at 5:13 PM on May 31, 2011 [1 favorite]

Also, obligatory...
posted by jonmc at 5:31 PM on May 31, 2011 [1 favorite]

I've never been much of a fan of Haitian rums, but I'll give Rhum Barbancourt another try.
posted by Faint of Butt at 5:32 PM on May 31, 2011

One Barrel Belizean rum - I don't know if Rum is supposed to taste this sweet, but it's delicious.
posted by Pruitt-Igoe at 5:43 PM on May 31, 2011

My friend (no really it wasn't me) bought two bottles of Ed Hardy sangria one weekend when we were planning on getting wasted. His exact words were "It's straight up fucking grape juice."
posted by d1rge at 5:53 PM on May 31, 2011

Ed Hardy structured water is natural alkalized calcium ionized living water and is treated with reverse osmosis for maximum purity as well as infra-red stimulation and electromagnetism to create the best (+) positively charged hexagonally shaped structured water ever. By using their proprietary technology they are able to break up the larger molecules into smaller hexagonally shaped and now STRUCTURED MOLECULES, which are much more easily absorbed by the cells inside our bodies. The absorption rate of hexagonally shaped structured water molecules is a much as four (4) times more efficient than water that is not structured, which enables you to drink less water while achieving hydration faster and more efficiently.

Could one of you scientifically-oriented types point out the part of the above ...whatever that is... that renders people sterile?

Please tell me that something in there renders people sterile.
posted by louche mustachio at 6:04 PM on May 31, 2011 [6 favorites]

I honestly like the over the top, hearts and skulls Ed Hardy aesthetic. I just don't own any of their clothes because I know I'd be judged by the same friends who have a million skull and sparrow tats.
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 6:10 PM on May 31, 2011

Hmmm... I also liked Lisa Frank as a kid.
some Aussie snark
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 6:13 PM on May 31, 2011

Well thank goodness. For the longest time I wondered what douchebags wearing douchegear were going to drink. Now I know its douchevodka.
posted by hal_c_on at 6:46 PM on May 31, 2011

You know, Don Ed Hardy has been such a key figure in modern tattooing that, no matter what he does, he'll still get a lot of respect from me.

Not as much as he used to, though.
posted by box at 6:59 PM on May 31, 2011

By using their proprietary technology they are able to break up the larger molecules into smaller hexagonally shaped and now STRUCTURED MOLECULES.

This makes my head hurt so bad.

I think in one sentence, the Ed Hardy marketing department has claimed that they have created a new efficient large scale water splitting mechanism, that they are choosing to use this water splitting mechanism to produce branded bottled water and not to power an efficient hydrogen powered economy, and that they have also invented hydrogen fucking bonds.

Shoot me in the face. Just do it. Ignorance won. It's over.
posted by clearly at 8:43 PM on May 31, 2011 [2 favorites]

frequent and apparently unironic use of the compound word "mouthfeel" in the beer reviews

I haven't heard an utterance that makes me feel this dirty since I first came across the unironic use of the word "colourways."
posted by clearly at 8:47 PM on May 31, 2011

structured water

ಠ_ಠ

Reminds me of a joke: "I mix up my own water at home. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!"
posted by tumid dahlia at 8:52 PM on May 31, 2011

...wonton hedonism...

*pant* What'd I miss?
posted by wonton hedonist at 9:03 PM on May 31, 2011 [2 favorites]

That five dollars.
posted by Sys Rq at 9:13 PM on May 31, 2011

4.38 bizches. Crumbs from the table!
posted by wonton hedonist at 10:13 PM on May 31, 2011

Sailor Jerry is the next Ed Hardy

Actually, Ed Hardy trained under Sailor Jerry (Norman Collins).

posted by grog at 9:01 AM on June 1, 2011