The Third Eagle of the Apocalypse

May 31, 2011 1:55 PM

Phallic Symbols at Denver International Airport. Many of the paintings and sculptures at DIA contain hidden images of paganism... On previous videos I have pointed out that this is actually the figure of a naked woman, and the crotch is formed by a bird form. But right opposite the woman is a penguin...
posted by KokuRyu (114 comments total)

This is going to be about the auk, isn't it?
posted by boo_radley at 1:58 PM on May 31, 2011 [2 favorites]

As an expert in phallic symbology, I just have one question: Third eagle of the apocalypse?
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 1:59 PM on May 31, 2011 [6 favorites]

Co Prophet?
posted by birdherder at 1:59 PM on May 31, 2011 [2 favorites]

Awesome, I love the DIA. Check out these terrifying murals before your flight!
posted by sinnesloeschen at 1:59 PM on May 31, 2011

Gods, I love the Denver International Airport conspiracy theories. There's so much freaky crap there that someone must have been trolling from the beginning.
posted by Faint of Butt at 1:59 PM on May 31, 2011 [20 favorites]

wat
posted by jquinby at 2:00 PM on May 31, 2011

Insaners gonna insane. I should know.
posted by unSane at 2:00 PM on May 31, 2011 [2 favorites]

birdherder: "birdherder"

Oh! ooh! There! THERE!
posted by boo_radley at 2:01 PM on May 31, 2011

Don't forget about the swastika!
posted by Thorzdad at 2:02 PM on May 31, 2011

"The outdoor baggage handling area is...a phallus."
posted by jquinby at 2:03 PM on May 31, 2011 [1 favorite]

So it's like the eight-year-old boys giggling because someone said "duty" or "butter," except imbued with ponderous gravitas?
posted by Scattercat at 2:05 PM on May 31, 2011 [3 favorites]

No, no, no. Freakiest thing at DIA is the giant angry blue horse.

"GRAR! The White Zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only! Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!"
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 2:08 PM on May 31, 2011 [21 favorites]

IF YOU USE CONDOMS YOU WILL NOT BE RAPTURED

I love how the mic underlines the general craziness of the video.
posted by Foci for Analysis at 2:08 PM on May 31, 2011

Let's not leave VigCit out of the party.
posted by griphus at 2:09 PM on May 31, 2011 [1 favorite]

Cross negates phallus.
posted by Sailormom at 2:09 PM on May 31, 2011

Everything makes sense to me now. Except for one thing...who were the first two eagles, and are they also obsessed with male body parts?
posted by mcstayinskool at 2:10 PM on May 31, 2011 [1 favorite]

He's very good. He had me going there for a second.
posted by notreally at 2:12 PM on May 31, 2011 [1 favorite]

"The designers of the Denver airport are going to have to answer to our lord for what they have perpetrated on the public in this monstrosity."
posted by asperity at 2:13 PM on May 31, 2011 [1 favorite]

As 4th badger to the empty beer can, I totally need to make a video about the cabal around these parts.
posted by iamabot at 2:16 PM on May 31, 2011 [7 favorites]

"The shape of the sign is phallac"...

Wow, he's got dangerous corners on his penis, and he needs to see a doctor right away.
posted by hippybear at 2:18 PM on May 31, 2011 [2 favorites]

Wikis, hypertext, and the web in general are actually perfect platforms for organizing, documenting, and collaborating on the expansion of impenetrable thickets of cross-linked craziness like this.

But every time I see this sort of wackiness, it's in a video. The slowest-moving, most information-sparse way to communicate things on the web. Which makes references to other videos, or video producers, but which (naturally) doesn't link to them.

For which I guess I'm grateful, but also puzzled.
posted by Western Infidels at 2:19 PM on May 31, 2011 [5 favorites]

Oh, dear. Someone is WAY too interesting in cock for his own good. Does he realize that It Gets Better?
posted by hippybear at 2:20 PM on May 31, 2011 [11 favorites]

I tried to watch the video again and I'm not drunk enough. Will report back when sufficiently intoxicated.
posted by iamabot at 2:20 PM on May 31, 2011

I think he needs to have an in-depth prayer session with Ted Haggard.
posted by wadefranklin at 2:21 PM on May 31, 2011 [2 favorites]

While I'm thinking about it, is 3rd Eagle a hereditary title ?
posted by iamabot at 2:24 PM on May 31, 2011

But every time I see this sort of wackiness, it's in a video.

Probably because much of this stuff made a seamless transition from Public Access Broadcasting to youtube.
posted by KirkJobSluder at 2:24 PM on May 31, 2011 [1 favorite]

I knew Denver's baggage system had some problems getting erected, but this is just ridiculous.

But, seriously now: if we're going to talk about airlines under the occult sway of demonic forces, surely O'Hare has to enter into the equation. I mean...just think of the opportunities offered by that weird underground light-show thingy.
posted by thomas j wise at 2:25 PM on May 31, 2011 [2 favorites]

There was another conspiracy theory that if you drove down the 470 toll road, they'd charge you $3.50 every 200 feet you traveled. Oh wait... That's real. Not a conspiracy. Fuck the Denver airport.
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 2:27 PM on May 31, 2011 [2 favorites]

Phallic symbols are everywhere.
posted by swift at 2:27 PM on May 31, 2011

the phallus is a symbol which celebrates life...but those of us that have been washed in the blood of the lamb have a symbol that negates that.

how true.
posted by jadayne at 2:28 PM on May 31, 2011 [10 favorites]

Penis-deprived crazy old fart sees penises everywhere. Move along.
posted by knz at 2:29 PM on May 31, 2011

Sometimes an airport is just an airport.
posted by kozad at 2:29 PM on May 31, 2011 [16 favorites]

KevinSkomsvold: “There was another conspiracy theory that if you drove down the 470 toll road, they'd charge you $3.50 every 200 feet you traveled. Oh wait... That's real. Not a conspiracy. Fuck the Denver airport.”

That's called the "stupid fee," since only people who have no idea how roads work would ever go on C470. Seriously, there is no reason anybody ever needs to drive on that road. Toll roads in Colorado (well, that's the only one, so toll road singular) are not like toll roads in other states. By which I mean: the toll road here is a useless trap for people who don't look at maps.
posted by koeselitz at 2:30 PM on May 31, 2011 [2 favorites]

Also: while this guy seems generally crazy in an amusing way, he's totally right about the big blue horse. That thing has a massive, massive cock.
posted by koeselitz at 2:30 PM on May 31, 2011 [1 favorite]

"Let's take a closer look."
posted by not_the_water at 2:33 PM on May 31, 2011

Intercourse the penguin!
posted by Gungho at 2:34 PM on May 31, 2011 [1 favorite]

C470 is useful in a couple of edge cases...
posted by andreaazure at 2:35 PM on May 31, 2011

Whoa. Didn't notice any of this last time I flew into DIA. I did, however, notice that I hadn't been off the plane more than five minutes before seeing a massive picture of John Elway. Awesome. (he was hauking Lasik surgery, though. Less awesome)

Better yet - the soap in the dispensers? Totally Broncos colors. Now that's support for the home team!
posted by EatTheWeak at 2:35 PM on May 31, 2011

'The horse is rearing up [is] very masculine.'

I did not know that women walked on all fours.
posted by winna at 2:36 PM on May 31, 2011 [4 favorites]

Metafilter: that thing has a massive, massive cock
posted by Hairy Lobster at 2:37 PM on May 31, 2011 [1 favorite]

2 things.
1. "It's in the shape of the phallus. Lets take a closer look" How close do you want my face to the phallus, fella?

2. "look closer. Closerer. CLOSERERER. DO YOU SEE IT?".

I swear, South Park is the key to understanding all the madness in our culture.
posted by djrock3k at 2:38 PM on May 31, 2011 [2 favorites]

Well, if you're going to say that, you should also say:

MetaFilter: the big blue horse
posted by hippybear at 2:38 PM on May 31, 2011

hippybear: “Oh, dear. Someone is WAY too interested in cock for his own good. Does he realize that It Gets Better?”

Well, he made my commute a lot more interesting; and for that, I'll stand up and salute him.

I have a feeling he'll appreciate that.
posted by koeselitz at 2:41 PM on May 31, 2011 [3 favorites]

Why does the Wikipedia article have that nonsense "Controversy" section? Is that some sort of misguided "equal time" policy in action?

That horse sculpture is pretty amazing. I was disappointed by Google's results for [denver airport horse cock], all I got was a shot of blue horse anus. Bing did find a great photo of the whole statue.
posted by Nelson at 2:42 PM on May 31, 2011 [1 favorite]

Yes, that horse is creepy, especially with its demon red eyes.

But 470? Well, it is useful if you (or in my case your parents) happen to live along it.
posted by nat at 2:42 PM on May 31, 2011

IF YOU USE CONDOMS YOU WILL NOT BE RAPTURED

I love how the mic underlines the general craziness of the video.

I love how he has to speak one sentence at a time. It is like the whole thing was edited together line by line.
posted by roquetuen at 2:43 PM on May 31, 2011

Does DIA have two concourses, and if so, do they call the connecting passageway the "intercourse"?
posted by cleancut at 2:44 PM on May 31, 2011 [1 favorite]

I would like a nametag reading, in ever more crabbed letters:

HELLO, MY NAME IS
William Tapley
also known as the
third eagle of the
apocalypse and
the co-prophet of the
end times
posted by ricochet biscuit at 2:46 PM on May 31, 2011 [2 favorites]

Also, not at DIA, but in the line of intimidating blue animals, Denver also has this.
posted by nat at 2:47 PM on May 31, 2011

Nelson: “That horse sculpture is pretty amazing. I was disappointed by Google's results for [denver airport horse cock], all I got was a shot of blue horse anus. Bing did find a great photo of the whole statue.”

The horse's penis actually has veins. VEINS.

One should point out that, as that page you linked notes, just after the blue demon horse was complete, it fell over and killed the artist. So, uh. Yeah.
posted by koeselitz at 2:47 PM on May 31, 2011 [3 favorites]

He predicted WW3 for October last year:

http://www.youtube.com/user/thirdeaglebooks#p/u/35/Vir2AiKKzVQ
posted by Hairy Lobster at 2:50 PM on May 31, 2011

Wow, he's got dangerous corners on his penis, and he needs to see a doctor right away.

The corners on his penis is why he thinks condoms do not prevent the spread of AIDS.
posted by Phalene at 2:52 PM on May 31, 2011 [1 favorite]

Why does the Wikipedia article have that nonsense "Controversy" section? Is that some sort of misguided "equal time" policy in action?

Apparently that much nuttiness does in fact count as 'notable'!
posted by mephron at 2:53 PM on May 31, 2011

He still makes more sense than Dan Brown.
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 2:53 PM on May 31, 2011 [3 favorites]

...only people who have no idea how roads work would ever go on C470. Seriously, there is no reason anybody ever needs to drive on that road.

I admit this is probably considered an edge case, but I loved driving the toll road from DIA to Boulder (and back), especially during typical rush hours. Unless you mean a different road?
posted by chimaera at 2:57 PM on May 31, 2011

Go to an old church--anything Gothic Revival or earlier--and count the phalluses. Yonis and bum-holes, too. I promise, you'll get to a hundred before you're done.

The steeple is always a good place to start.
posted by Sys Rq at 2:58 PM on May 31, 2011 [3 favorites]

chimaera: “I admit this is probably considered an edge case, but I loved driving the toll road from DIA to Boulder (and back), especially during typical rush hours. Unless you mean a different road?”

Yeah, I'm probably not being quite fair, considering that I'm lucky enough to almost never have to drive to the airport during rush hour. But the thing is, even during rush hour, the most it's ever saved me coming from Boulder is ten or twenty minutes. Especially when you consider how fast it is to go down 36 and then cut over on 120th.
posted by koeselitz at 3:01 PM on May 31, 2011

God, I love the crazies! Without them, life would be so boring.
posted by Mental Wimp at 3:03 PM on May 31, 2011

> Why does the Wikipedia article have that nonsense "Controversy" section? Is that some sort of misguided "equal time" policy in action?

If the alternative is nonstop edit wars from people who believe that, at all cost, The Truth must be told about the satanic symbols cryptically inserted into Eustace Tilley's monocle, then yeah, it's a modest price to pay.
posted by ardgedee at 3:04 PM on May 31, 2011

Honest question: is this guy for real, yeah? He's not doing a very fine parody of wacky prophets, he IS one? I can't tell, and I can't believe he really means it.
posted by bitteschoen at 3:07 PM on May 31, 2011

Honest question: is this guy for real, yeah? He's not doing a very fine parody of wacky prophets, he IS one? I can't tell, and I can't believe he really means it.

Probably. The Denver airport is an extremely popular subject among symbol-obsessed conspiracists.

GOOGLE SATANIC HORSE COCK
posted by Sys Rq at 3:12 PM on May 31, 2011

(That said, most of what I've seen about it seems to implicate the Illuminati rather than Satanists.)
posted by Sys Rq at 3:14 PM on May 31, 2011

After the guy's successfully cleaned up DIA, he can start on the YVR.
posted by ardgedee at 3:16 PM on May 31, 2011

With imaginary friends like this guy has, who needs enemies ?
posted by iamabot at 3:23 PM on May 31, 2011

The Third Eagle of the Apocalypse is a songbird!!!
posted by Hairy Lobster at 3:26 PM on May 31, 2011 [4 favorites]

I've been thru that airport a few times. I never noticed anything freaky, except when you get on the tram thingy to get to the gates, it sounds like you're traveling on a Tardis.

That and the airport itself is located frighteningly close to my mother-in-law's house. Heh.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 3:27 PM on May 31, 2011

Hey, that's the bastard blue horse that killed Luis Jiminez. I liked that guy's arts.
posted by Barry B. Palindromer at 3:30 PM on May 31, 2011

God is totally onto this. Why else have I been stuck there so many times?
posted by Danf at 3:36 PM on May 31, 2011

That guy should start a pest control business which guarantees to keep your home free from cock infestation.
posted by digsrus at 3:38 PM on May 31, 2011

Yes, Luis Jimenez was the artist who made and was killed by the "masculine" blue horse.
posted by R. Mutt at 3:42 PM on May 31, 2011

This is going to be about the auk, isn't it?

It's the Great Auk. Not to be confused with the Great Roe which, according to Woody Allen, was a mythological creature with the head of a lion and the body of a lion, though not the same lion.
posted by The Bellman at 3:48 PM on May 31, 2011 [1 favorite]

I kinda wanna recut this in a Fight Club style so that every time he says "phallus," the video shows, like, three frames of cock.

(Also, I wonder if he's noticed how pagan almost all the letters of the alphabet are. I mean, l, p, d, q, y, o, they all look like genitals if you stare at them long enough and are a repressed weirdo.)
posted by klangklangston at 3:52 PM on May 31, 2011

And "impennis" means "without pennae," pennae being flight feathers. It's like saying that the nickel should be the smallest coin denomination because you could cross out a couple letters in pennies to spell penis.
posted by klangklangston at 3:54 PM on May 31, 2011 [7 favorites]

If you give them ideas, they're gonna run with them. You know this.
posted by ardgedee at 3:59 PM on May 31, 2011 [1 favorite]

One should point out that, as that page you linked notes, just after the blue demon horse was complete, it fell over and killed the artist. So, uh. Yeah.

That story is much stranger from my perspective. (Stop me if you've heard it before!)

You see, Luis Jimenez (the sculptor in question) had befriended a very close friend of mine. Our common friend Bart shared my interest in all things occult, and had moved to Tucson for financial reasons. Bart was an enigmatic figure...something of a mystic chameleon, and I believe he met Luis at a local Catholic church. Bart was also incredibly charismatic, and the two quickly became friends. (I'll get back to Luis in a minute.)

To give you an idea of Bart...well, Bart had become interested in Michael Bertiaux and his brand of Gnostic Voudoun, and the two corresponded through the mail. Bart would often share Bertiaux's letters with me; a bizarre melange of occult- and homo-eroticism. Pictures of enormous male genitalia with captions such as "Worship Ptah!" and such were the norm.

Bart eventually became obsessed with an attempt to break the seven seals of the apocalypse. In particular, he wanted to unleash a plague of locusts upon the land. One day, my phone rang and he was on the line, in a particular manic phase. "I've found the Key!" he excitedly proclaimed. Then in a subdued tone..."do you want to hear it?"

The skeptic in me was amused. "Sure, Bart! Let me have it." And he proceeded, in a rather hushed manner, to read me...something...in Latin or Enochian or perhaps it was just glossolalia. After a minute or two, he paused for effect, and then burst into laughter. Upon hanging up, my wife (who had been listening to my part of the exchange) yelled at me for encouraging him, her attitude toward these things being, perhaps, not as cavalier as my own.

Fifteen minutes later, our cat Shiva began scratching at the front door in rather uncharacteristic fashion. "What in hell is wrong with her?" I thought, and opened the door. As God is my witness, a locust flew in the front door and landed on our stairs. Naturally, my wife made me call Bart and I asked him to please shut whatever astral doorway he had opened, and to throw away the key, or at least keep it to himself from this point forward. Bart was, of course, delighted by the whole affair.

A month or two after this incident, Bart called again, in a much more frantic state of mind. He had been at the Catholic church, speaking with the priest and his friend Luis in the parking lot. They heard a loud noise within the church, and rushed inside to find a young woman lying in front of the altar, bleeding from the head with a gun in her hand. Despite their attempts to save her, she quickly passed away.

A few weeks later, Luis became concerned after not hearing from Bart in some time. He visited Bart's apartment, only to find that Bart had not only passed away, but had been decomposing in the Tucson heat for several days. Whatever was left of Bart was cremated, and his ashes returned to his family. The evening of Bart's funeral, I received a call from Luis, who knew of our close friendship, and he told me about finding Bart along with a suicide note.

Within a year, Luis was killed by his own statue, completing the strange triangle of death that began that fateful summer day at a Tucson church.
posted by malocchio at 4:09 PM on May 31, 2011 [54 favorites]

Apologies for the derail, but I can't hear about that horse without wanting to tell that story...
posted by malocchio at 4:10 PM on May 31, 2011

It's a fantastic story, malocchio.
posted by mephron at 4:21 PM on May 31, 2011

Previously!

I had no idea that there was paganism as well as the impending new world order. I will look more closely I'm in Denver. Makes the annoying layover a bit more exciting to think that you're in a building full of so many hidden messages.

A question: is in DIA or DEN? Or both?
posted by gingerbeer at 4:21 PM on May 31, 2011

I believe DIA is the acronym for the name of the airport, and DEN is the airport code for said airport.
posted by hippybear at 4:28 PM on May 31, 2011

DEN is the IATA code for the airport.
posted by armage at 4:41 PM on May 31, 2011

I knew Denver's baggage system had some problems getting erected...

Enough with the bad puns!
posted by BlueHorse at 4:41 PM on May 31, 2011

posted by BlueHorse

I so so badly wanted to see this was a sockpuppet account created especially for commenting in this thread....
posted by hippybear at 4:46 PM on May 31, 2011

Hang on, I thought this was just because he lives in Denver, is there something specifically about the Denver airport that inspires more crazy theories than any other public building? Is there a non crazy reason for this? Is he the 3rd Eagle in a lineage sense, or in rank? If the latter, who are the 2 higher Eagles of the Apocalypse, and why don’t we hear from them?
posted by bongo_x at 5:08 PM on May 31, 2011

I have the same question: What is it about DIA that has inspired so much crazy?
posted by elwoodwiles at 5:17 PM on May 31, 2011

Enough with the bad puns!

The pural of "pun" is "punis."
posted by maxwelton at 5:27 PM on May 31, 2011

maxwelton: "The pural of "pun" is "punis.""

No, that's the porous stone used to clean the foreskin.
posted by boo_radley at 5:30 PM on May 31, 2011 [5 favorites]

Christian iconography contains hidden pagan imagery.
posted by telstar at 5:33 PM on May 31, 2011 [1 favorite]

That's just similar to, but not the same as Pareidolia. Apparently, our brain is wired to recognize facial traits, so we tend to see faces in many objects, even if there object isn't an human face (remember the mountain on planet Mars that appeared to be a kind of sphinx? Well, it's not. The same effect is exploited in seeing religious icons in objects.

So if something vaguely resembles, even if it is not actually a penis, if I suggest that it was actually designed to resemble a penis, you may accept this suggestion as true.
posted by elpapacito at 5:34 PM on May 31, 2011

Like most conspiracy theories, the emphasis should be on the CON. In this case, one of the early swindlers was Philip Schneider. Google and YouTube him and you'll find the usual ration of BS peddled to the hooples in the Patriot movement. Now dead, his schtick was the typical "eyewitness" gibberish.

Sort of like Mark Koernke, only in tunnels. Me, I kinda enjoyed John Trochmann for unhinged bullshit paranoia.

Think of it as a variety of emotional plague. It's contagious, but you can be inoculated against it.

Read the YouTube comments for the first link and you'll see that ThirdEagleFrootLoop is threadsitting YouTube comments on his post.
posted by warbaby at 5:46 PM on May 31, 2011

Most of DIA's weird spooky power gets taken away when you ride the automated train that goes from the main terminal to all the concourses. The little musical riffs that play before each recorded announcement sounds like someone dropped a calliope down a circus clowns pants and then punched him in the dick.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 6:03 PM on May 31, 2011 [1 favorite]

Ugh..."sound" and "clown's". That's what I get for typing at 2 AM.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 6:04 PM on May 31, 2011

I love how in the condom video he's all about using strict interpretation of the Bible until he's not.

"When St. John talks about the raptured Protestants, one of the twelve characteristics are that they are virgins. Now this does not necessarily mean celibacy, but it certainly means chastity."

Come on, man. Commit to it. IF YOU HAVE CHILDREN YOU WILL NOT BE RAPTURED.
posted by bpm140 at 6:13 PM on May 31, 2011

I am Co-Jesus (this month). I always take the bus to Denver.
posted by Brocktoon at 6:58 PM on May 31, 2011

I'm more upset about how he nonchalantly implied that Great Auks and penguins are basically the same thing.
posted by KokuRyu at 8:53 PM on May 31, 2011

As an expert in phallic symbology, I just have one question: Third eagle of the apocalypse?

He answers that in his youtube profile. He's clearly bought a condo in the heart of Crazytown, but it's interesting to me to see the way he thinks.

When I retired in 2001 I fully expected to enjoy full time my avocations of bass fishing and making sculpture. The long, cold Adirondack winters also afforded me a lot of time to renew my interest in the Holy Bible and that's when I discovered I have a unique gift to understand the end times prophecies of Daniel, Esther, Ezekiel, Revelation etc. Not that interpretation is always obvious and so when I have doubts I stop and pray about it, usually Mary's Rosary (I am a practicing Roman Catholic) and the Lord answers, not in an audible voice, but to my mind. When I asked who is the "eagle" in Revelation 8:13, He said "you are". This really shook me, but after some research I realized there are actually four eagles. The first was St. Vincent Ferrer, an amazing miracle worker, who warned humanity in 14th century Europe about the impending breakup of Christianity (the first woe). His chief disciple was St. Bernardino of Siena, who also warned about this catastrophe. Since the eagle cries "woe, woe, woe", I determined that I must be the third personification of this eagle and my mission from God is to warn mankind about the second woe, World War 3. After me will come a fourth eagle, the prophet Enoch, whose mission will be to preach repentance to the Gentiles and warn about the third woe, the reign of the Antichrist. I like to refer to the four of us eagles as "three saints and a sinner". The term "co-prophet" means that I complete the end times prophecies in the Bible. I often compare the gifts of end times prophecy and co-prophecy to the gift of speaking in tongues and interpreting tongues. These manifestations come from the Holy Spirit who always requires two people to express His gift of life and love, such as also marriage. I hope you continue to enjoy my prophecy videos and I encourage any and all comments.

As someone who (like this guy) is writing a book on Revelation, I am deeply annoyed that I went and learned Greek and the history of interpretations of Revelation and read a bunch of related Jewish apocalyptic literature, and he was just given a gift to understand it all. I wish I could get my tuition money back.
posted by Pater Aletheias at 9:08 PM on May 31, 2011 [5 favorites]

Well, as Revelation is part of a rich tradition of vision literature, I think that contemporary prophets provide an important context from which to regard the canon.

There were probably plenty of people who laughed at John of Patmos too. And now where are they? Dead, every single one of them.
posted by klangklangston at 9:22 PM on May 31, 2011 [1 favorite]

koeselitz:
That's called the "stupid fee," since only people who have no idea how roads work would ever go on C470. Seriously, there is no reason anybody ever needs to drive on that road. Toll roads in Colorado (well, that's the only one, so toll road singular) are not like toll roads in other states. By which I mean: the toll road here is a useless trap for people who don't look at maps."

Um... I know how "roads work" (whatever that means). I was traveling from Chicago to Colorado Springs in a snow storm and took a route that looked shorter and safer. So yes, there IS a reason people need to travel on those roads. Obviously they couldn't give a fuck and will still take your toll money. If trying not to crash my rental car with my wife and daughter inside is stupid, well then I guess I'm a raging idiot.
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 9:52 PM on May 31, 2011

Close italics. Fuck.
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 9:54 PM on May 31, 2011

I am very masculine.

Notice that when I stand very straight I become a phallic symbol.

I have a blue overcoat.

That's not all, come take a closer look.
posted by pianomover at 10:45 PM on May 31, 2011

The Denver airport murals are deeply strange, and some of the most intensely weird public art in this country. That people would come up with conspiracy theories to explain the bizarre scenes -- coffins filled with multi-cultural children, giant robot zombie nazi soldier guy, etc. -- is not really a surprise.

I adore those murals and spend some time with them whenever fate/United has stuck me in DIA again.

malocchio: Incredible.
posted by kenlayne at 11:21 PM on May 31, 2011

There's something very Wes Anderson about that clip. And I know I wasn't supposed to but I got a very hearty chuckle out of that.

Please don't try substituting other words for 'chuckle' because that would be both untrue and mean.
posted by From Bklyn at 12:00 AM on June 1, 2011

Bah, most of those phallic symbols are ambiguous and require interpretation. This is how you make a clear, public statement about penises. See the turgid testicles at the base of the member, swathed in pubic hair foliage. Witness the mighty shaft, rising skyward, unfettered. Be amazed at the swollen glans shouldering aside its enrobing foreskin. Hark at the voluminous emissions of man-seed shooting skyward like so many cumulus clouds from its lofty tip...

Erm...DICKS!
posted by Purposeful Grimace at 12:31 AM on June 1, 2011 [1 favorite]

I have a tendency to fixate on odd things sometimes. what was with the thin black line at the bottom edge of his moustache? it's like he cauterizes it instead of trimming.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 1:41 AM on June 1, 2011

It seems the people attending this particular tin-foil hat party are there because :

1. They think words in another language and/or that are out of their vocabulary range are "strange" and "magical" (because apparently they don't have access to the Internet),

2. They read From Hell and never got over it (or read The Da Vinci Code and never got out from under it), or

3. They do not know how to appreciate great art other than to suspect it of witchcraft.
posted by Mooseli at 5:46 AM on June 1, 2011

This is how you make a clear, public statement about penises

Purposeful Grimace: My hometown has exactly ONE tall building. And by tall, I mean it's 10 stories. Legend has it that at the opening day ceremony for the building, the man who built it said as part of his speech that he wanted it to stand as a grand erection dedicated to the women of the city.
posted by hippybear at 6:30 AM on June 1, 2011 [1 favorite]

How I wish I could be like one of you carefree pagan dick-worshipping mystics, all unconcerned with the images of Satan's Armies all around them. But I can't! My mom is this guy's co-prophet! She and my dad both agree that yes, Satan is going for it and Humanity's getting dragged into his fiery handbasket. She's in Spain right now, spouting crazy all over Seville about how God's going to replace the government with His Holy Reign.

Part of me laughs at this and wants to get my jollies heaping mockery on it (which I do), and the other part of me says, "Gee, family, you sure are fascinating. I sure do agree with everything you say so that the family can keep living on in harmony. Now, can you pass the sausage and potatoes? Mmmm, I sure do love me some God-fearing sausage and potatoes."
posted by gorgor_balabala at 7:16 AM on June 1, 2011 [1 favorite]

PENGUIN LUST!
posted by elwoodwiles at 9:03 AM on June 1, 2011 [1 favorite]

"Auk" does sound like "cock."
posted by gottabefunky at 10:36 AM on June 1, 2011

"Auk" does sound like "cock."

Surely there must be some other bird with a name even closer...
posted by Sys Rq at 11:08 AM on June 1, 2011 [1 favorite]

I got all curious about the third eagle of the apocalypse thing and, having somehow missed Tapley's rambling non-explanation on his youtube profile, went googling. Lacking any chops in biblical criticism, I'm stuck with the quick impression that "eagle of the apocalypse" usually refers either to the eagle head/aspect of the four-headed beast of the end-times or depending on context to John himself.

Here's a page making some sort of effort to discuss quoted biblical context of the eagle-as-tetracephalumpugus thing.

For eagle-as-John, examples I found include G. K. Chesterson's 1919 Irish Impressions, with this passing reference:

...I doubt whether it is so overwhelmingly probable that any clerk in any villa on Clapham Common, when he names his son John, has a vision of the holy eagle of the Apocalypse,
or even of the mystical cup of the disciple whom Jesus loved.

Or from Reverend A. A. Lambing, in the June 9, 1883 edition of the Notre Dame journal (?) Ave Maria:

"Even the eagle of the Apocalypse, the Apostle who reposed on the Bosom of his divine Master, and from that Adorable Heart, as St. Jerome remarks, drank in the plenitude of divine love..."

Looks like there's more to be found pretty easily searching Google Books.

Filling the gap between first and third, though, there's a gestural reference in a letter from Sor Filotea de la Cruz replying to 17th century Mexican writer Sor Juana Ines de la Cruz's La Repuesta, in which Filotea makes a gestural reference to our eagle by invoking (earnestly? sarcastically?) a second one:

...Reverend Father Antonio de Vieira...wrote with such sagacity that the most erudite readers have perceived his singular talent outdoing itself, soaring up like a second Eagle of the Apocalype...

But this is all Satan's distraction keeping us from the real truth; pull back the veil and it's clear that Tapley is actually just trying to get us interested in the Tilda Swinson television show Your Cheatin' Heart, an episode of which, airing originally October 18th, 1990, was titled The Eagle of the Apocalypse and the Sidewinders of Satan, in which:

Cissie persuades Frank to go undercover but he finds fitting into the Country scene problematic, despite her efforts to make him look the part. Fraser goes searching for Frank and his 'order book.' To ingratiate himself with Cherokee George, Frank gets a tattoo. Fraser has some business down at the docks.

1. That tattoo = mark of the beast?
2. Tilda Swinton = angel Gabriel in Constantine!
3. Co-star of said film, Keanu Reeves = kind of a big dick = PHALLIC SYMBOL!!

- Your Cheatin' Heart = 1990;
- Reeves film My Own Private Idaho = 1991;
- similarly state-named film from early-mid-90s = Things to Do in DENVER When You're Dead
posted by cortex at 4:28 PM on June 1, 2011 [1 favorite]

Yahtzee!
posted by mrzarquon at 4:50 PM on June 1, 2011

Denver's a state now?
posted by Sys Rq at 6:37 PM on June 1, 2011

Of mind, yes. Shut up.
posted by cortex at 8:03 PM on June 1, 2011 [1 favorite]

Architecture Today will be airing a special on the DIA in the near future.
posted by Chichibio at 4:04 AM on June 2, 2011