Only in this case the child is an 84-year-old man with a hairdryer aimed at his balls.
June 4, 2011 11:02 AM Subscribe
Look, I've just recently kind of gotten into using a hair dryer on my hair. I used to just kind of hand dry it with a towel and go about my business, but it was always damp afterward. Then one day, I thought, "Hey, I'll try that hair dryer" and I'll be damned, it really worked wonders.
So, I started regularly using my wife's hair dryer about six months ago. And I will say that it does lead down kind of a dark path, because once you start with your hair on your head you don't just stop there. You think to yourself, "Hey, what else is this hair dryer good for?"
So, I've used it under my arms, which I kind of don't care for.
I've also used it on my nether regions, and I'm not afraid to admit that. In fact, when you have a towel wrapped around your waist and you stick the hair dryer down there it kind of creates a wind tunnel of hot air that just does an exemplary job.
What I'm saying is, if you've never tried blow-drying your balls, I encourage you to do so.
posted by kbanas at 11:07 AM on June 4, 2011 [51 favorites]
So, I started regularly using my wife's hair dryer about six months ago. And I will say that it does lead down kind of a dark path, because once you start with your hair on your head you don't just stop there. You think to yourself, "Hey, what else is this hair dryer good for?"
So, I've used it under my arms, which I kind of don't care for.
I've also used it on my nether regions, and I'm not afraid to admit that. In fact, when you have a towel wrapped around your waist and you stick the hair dryer down there it kind of creates a wind tunnel of hot air that just does an exemplary job.
What I'm saying is, if you've never tried blow-drying your balls, I encourage you to do so.
posted by kbanas at 11:07 AM on June 4, 2011 [51 favorites]
As long as the blow dryer isn't inside the squat rack, go nuts.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 11:07 AM on June 4, 2011 [6 favorites]
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 11:07 AM on June 4, 2011 [6 favorites]
He can't look away? Do testicles have some eye-magnetic properties that I'm not aware of? Cause I'm so bagging that as my superpower.
posted by Solomon at 11:10 AM on June 4, 2011 [5 favorites]
posted by Solomon at 11:10 AM on June 4, 2011 [5 favorites]
Is it too late to change my username to "twin sperm fountains"?
posted by vibrotronica at 11:14 AM on June 4, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by vibrotronica at 11:14 AM on June 4, 2011 [2 favorites]
Do testicles have some eye-magnetic properties that I'm not aware of?
Now, with MagNads!™
posted by Devils Rancher at 11:15 AM on June 4, 2011 [7 favorites]
Now, with MagNads!™
posted by Devils Rancher at 11:15 AM on June 4, 2011 [7 favorites]
Never too late for a brand nude day, vibrotronica.
posted by m@f at 11:15 AM on June 4, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by m@f at 11:15 AM on June 4, 2011 [3 favorites]
This is a thing?
This happened at my gym two years ago and I thought I'd found myself a solid gold lifelong anecdote.
And yes, my time at the gym has taught me that the ones that are the most comfortable with their own public nudity are also the ones that really really shouldn't be.
posted by Senor Cardgage at 11:17 AM on June 4, 2011 [6 favorites]
This happened at my gym two years ago and I thought I'd found myself a solid gold lifelong anecdote.
And yes, my time at the gym has taught me that the ones that are the most comfortable with their own public nudity are also the ones that really really shouldn't be.
posted by Senor Cardgage at 11:17 AM on June 4, 2011 [6 favorites]
What I'm saying is, if you've never tried blow-drying your balls, I encourage you to do so.
I don't own a blow-dryer. But I have a cat.
posted by orthogonality at 11:19 AM on June 4, 2011 [6 favorites]
I don't own a blow-dryer. But I have a cat.
posted by orthogonality at 11:19 AM on June 4, 2011 [6 favorites]
I lost it at "...or am I witnessing the birth of a phoenix." Amazing.
posted by jnnla at 11:23 AM on June 4, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by jnnla at 11:23 AM on June 4, 2011 [2 favorites]
I always thought hair dryers were for people unfortunate enough to live in places where there's (ugh) humidity. I guess I was wrong. Then again, I avoid health club locker rooms, so I don't know.
posted by koeselitz at 11:23 AM on June 4, 2011
posted by koeselitz at 11:23 AM on June 4, 2011
For a chaser, I recommend this other letter.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 11:25 AM on June 4, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 11:25 AM on June 4, 2011 [3 favorites]
This is acceptable so long as it is not the gym's hand dryer.
posted by boo_radley at 11:32 AM on June 4, 2011
posted by boo_radley at 11:32 AM on June 4, 2011
I think the guy blow-drying his balls is just a sub-set of a more general category of "older dudes letting it all hang out" that you often find at gyms. I used to work at a JCC, and certainly this was a significant element in the population of the men's health club. I think it's a combination of "older guy don't give a fuck" and generational attitudes towards nudity in gender-segregated contexts. When you're around it a lot, you actually get pretty blase about it. Sure, they're sitting around naked and playing cards- but they put towels down on the chairs, so why do you care?
Besides, I've started to find that it's nice to occasionally air out the old gom jabbar, but usually I save that for around the house.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 11:34 AM on June 4, 2011 [3 favorites]
Besides, I've started to find that it's nice to occasionally air out the old gom jabbar, but usually I save that for around the house.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 11:34 AM on June 4, 2011 [3 favorites]
Ya know, there's a MeTa thing going on, and the tenor of the discussion kinda makes me wanna go in and blow dry my hairy balls.
posted by stonepharisee at 11:39 AM on June 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by stonepharisee at 11:39 AM on June 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
And smile at every one. . . .
posted by stonepharisee at 11:39 AM on June 4, 2011
posted by stonepharisee at 11:39 AM on June 4, 2011
Did they have hairdryers back then? I think my ability to correctly recall history is being affected by the sight of your twin sperm fountains.
That struck me as wrong.
From a literary magazine I'd have expected founts.
He has two sources, not two ejaculatory orifices.
posted by joost de vries at 11:45 AM on June 4, 2011 [11 favorites]
That struck me as wrong.
From a literary magazine I'd have expected founts.
He has two sources, not two ejaculatory orifices.
posted by joost de vries at 11:45 AM on June 4, 2011 [11 favorites]
Worth reading for "your gene-carrying duffle bag" if nothing else.
posted by tommasz at 11:51 AM on June 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by tommasz at 11:51 AM on June 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
http://www.midwestsportsfans.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/11/oatmeal-locker-room-minor-differences.jpg
posted by 3mendo at 11:55 AM on June 4, 2011 [10 favorites]
posted by 3mendo at 11:55 AM on June 4, 2011 [10 favorites]
I don't own a blow-dryer. But I have a cat.
With big lungs and hot, dry breath?
posted by tigrefacile at 12:08 PM on June 4, 2011 [4 favorites]
With big lungs and hot, dry breath?
posted by tigrefacile at 12:08 PM on June 4, 2011 [4 favorites]
I swear I remember reading a tip in YM or Sassy or another teen magazine for girls prone to yeast infections: dry your lady-region with your hair dryer. ON LOW HEAT, it specifically cautioned.
As a member of the swim team I was ever so grateful, for both the tip and the "don't scorch your junk" suggestion.
posted by palomar at 12:20 PM on June 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
As a member of the swim team I was ever so grateful, for both the tip and the "don't scorch your junk" suggestion.
posted by palomar at 12:20 PM on June 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
By age 84, you could probably lift your balls up to where they're right under the hand dryer, no?
posted by orme at 12:21 PM on June 4, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by orme at 12:21 PM on June 4, 2011 [4 favorites]
I'm blow drying my balls right now and they aren't even wet!
posted by Sailormom at 12:26 PM on June 4, 2011 [6 favorites]
posted by Sailormom at 12:26 PM on June 4, 2011 [6 favorites]
gray and spotted like a ham in a paintball fight
This post was worth it just for this phrase.
posted by brundlefly at 12:27 PM on June 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
This post was worth it just for this phrase.
posted by brundlefly at 12:27 PM on June 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
If you are 84 and can still stand on one leg with the other leg all the way up on the counter, then I guess you've earned the right. For those who have done this: Do they really fly like a flag?
posted by Houstonian at 12:30 PM on June 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by Houstonian at 12:30 PM on June 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
I have seen this before. Since that day, I've never been able to even catch a glimpse of a gym hand-dryer without thinking of old-man balls. *shudder*
posted by ob at 12:49 PM on June 4, 2011
posted by ob at 12:49 PM on June 4, 2011
People! Do you not know that a few drops of Dr. Bronner's Peppermint Soap makes your testicles blow-dry themselves? Absolute cleanliness is Godliness! All-One!
posted by TedW at 12:52 PM on June 4, 2011 [11 favorites]
posted by TedW at 12:52 PM on June 4, 2011 [11 favorites]
(my foregoing comment only applies to approximately 50% of People!)
posted by TedW at 12:55 PM on June 4, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by TedW at 12:55 PM on June 4, 2011 [2 favorites]
You think to yourself, "Hey, what else is this hair dryer good for?"
Monkey torture.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 12:57 PM on June 4, 2011 [2 favorites]
Monkey torture.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 12:57 PM on June 4, 2011 [2 favorites]
Pro tip for fellow old timers who dry their balls with a hair dryer: use the low setting so you don't scorch your knees.
posted by digsrus at 12:59 PM on June 4, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by digsrus at 12:59 PM on June 4, 2011 [2 favorites]
Pro tip for fellow old timers who dry their balls with a hair dryer: use the low setting so you don't scorch your knees ankles.
ftfy
(once vowed never to say ftfy, but in this case couldn't resist)
posted by TedW at 1:04 PM on June 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
ftfy
(once vowed never to say ftfy, but in this case couldn't resist)
posted by TedW at 1:04 PM on June 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
my time at the gym has taught me that the ones that are the most comfortable with their own public nudity are also the ones that really really shouldn't be.
Yes, because strangers should be able to decide which of us feel comfortable in our own skins. Judgmental much?
posted by oddman at 1:15 PM on June 4, 2011 [16 favorites]
Yes, because strangers should be able to decide which of us feel comfortable in our own skins. Judgmental much?
posted by oddman at 1:15 PM on June 4, 2011 [16 favorites]
it's nice to occasionally air out the old gom jabbar
There's a phrase that's going to be with me the rest of my life.
posted by timsteil at 1:20 PM on June 4, 2011 [6 favorites]
There's a phrase that's going to be with me the rest of my life.
posted by timsteil at 1:20 PM on June 4, 2011 [6 favorites]
Female here, and I guess I just don't understand the hilarity in being repulsed by a male drying his nether regions in a communal locker room. I mean, you're all walking around naked in front of one another in the first place, no? And you whip out Mr. Happy in public at trough-style urinals? Why isn't that equal fodder for a public smackdown? Is this a matter of "there's no logical reason why he can't dry his 'area' with a towel?' and that there's a perceived underlying reason some men take the time to expose their genitals to the hand dryer?
posted by Oriole Adams at 1:21 PM on June 4, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by Oriole Adams at 1:21 PM on June 4, 2011 [3 favorites]
Oh, McSweeneys. Is there anything you can't make into a bland porridge of tepid amusement?
posted by Justinian at 1:24 PM on June 4, 2011 [19 favorites]
posted by Justinian at 1:24 PM on June 4, 2011 [19 favorites]
Having used many types of urinals, I do not think I've actually seen any other mens' equipment. It's kind of an unspoken rule to look in a direction that will not contain other people's penises in the field of view.
posted by Zalzidrax at 1:24 PM on June 4, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by Zalzidrax at 1:24 PM on June 4, 2011 [3 favorites]
Oh, McSweeneys. Is there anything you can't make into a bland porridge of tepid amusement?
I always liked " Dry gasp of useless words " myself.
posted by The Whelk at 1:27 PM on June 4, 2011
I always liked " Dry gasp of useless words " myself.
posted by The Whelk at 1:27 PM on June 4, 2011
What is up with young guys at the gym these days. Covering up with a towel at all tomes, engaging in total silence and avoiding eye contact. Seriously young dudes what is wrong with you.
posted by humanfont at 1:28 PM on June 4, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by humanfont at 1:28 PM on June 4, 2011 [2 favorites]
When I am an old woman and the tits are heading kneeward, maybe I'll try drying under them this way. Thanks for the idea, McSweeneys!
posted by emjaybee at 1:33 PM on June 4, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by emjaybee at 1:33 PM on June 4, 2011 [3 favorites]
Metafilter: will not contain other people's penises in the field of view
posted by likeso at 1:39 PM on June 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by likeso at 1:39 PM on June 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
I swear I remember reading a tip in YM or Sassy or another teen magazine for girls prone to yeast infections: dry your lady-region with your hair dryer. ON LOW HEAT, it specifically cautioned.
I misread this at first in a way that indicated the existence of "teen magazine(s) for girls prone to yeast infections" and had a moment imagining the copy and ads for such a specialty publication.
(And that is a good tip.)
posted by rewil at 1:40 PM on June 4, 2011 [7 favorites]
I misread this at first in a way that indicated the existence of "teen magazine(s) for girls prone to yeast infections" and had a moment imagining the copy and ads for such a specialty publication.
(And that is a good tip.)
posted by rewil at 1:40 PM on June 4, 2011 [7 favorites]
Female here, and I guess I just don't understand the hilarity in being repulsed by a male drying his nether regions in a communal locker room.
I can answer that. I've been exposed to both sets of bathroom mores. In male culture you don't talk to anyone else around you when you are naked (even partially) and you just do your business and get out of the "I'm naked in a group" situation as quickly as possible. I think I've forgotten why (or never really understood it anyway) but I think it has to do with sexual insecurities combines with an innate sexual aggressiveness . Basically in male culture if you look at someone's naughty bits, even accidently, that's pretty much a come-on so you don;t want to give the impression that you noticed. So when you blow your bits with a hair dryer you are calling attention to yourself and/or possibly making others look just to see what the heck is going on which breaks the social more of not doing that.
Of course female bathroom mores are decidedly different. I recall how appalled I felt when, shortly after transition, I went into a bathroom and another woman chatted me up at a sink (I know, silly in our context but not in the other one) . Fortunately I kept my feelings to myself and twigged on to the new values pretty quickly.
It's just the way it is and just one of the ways in which the genders are so different.
posted by Poet_Lariat at 1:41 PM on June 4, 2011 [28 favorites]
I can answer that. I've been exposed to both sets of bathroom mores. In male culture you don't talk to anyone else around you when you are naked (even partially) and you just do your business and get out of the "I'm naked in a group" situation as quickly as possible. I think I've forgotten why (or never really understood it anyway) but I think it has to do with sexual insecurities combines with an innate sexual aggressiveness . Basically in male culture if you look at someone's naughty bits, even accidently, that's pretty much a come-on so you don;t want to give the impression that you noticed. So when you blow your bits with a hair dryer you are calling attention to yourself and/or possibly making others look just to see what the heck is going on which breaks the social more of not doing that.
Of course female bathroom mores are decidedly different. I recall how appalled I felt when, shortly after transition, I went into a bathroom and another woman chatted me up at a sink (I know, silly in our context but not in the other one) . Fortunately I kept my feelings to myself and twigged on to the new values pretty quickly.
It's just the way it is and just one of the ways in which the genders are so different.
posted by Poet_Lariat at 1:41 PM on June 4, 2011 [28 favorites]
You straight guys are hysterical.
posted by Nelson at 1:52 PM on June 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by Nelson at 1:52 PM on June 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
I'm glad someone finally addressed this issue. I mean, really... why? A towel doesn't get them dry enough? Please old guy, I beg you. Stop. Think of the others that will unknowingly point the blow-dryer at their hair later in the day.
Oh, and Senor Cardgage, I have to steal your quote for my fb page. Thank you.
posted by freakazoid at 2:05 PM on June 4, 2011
Oh, and Senor Cardgage, I have to steal your quote for my fb page. Thank you.
posted by freakazoid at 2:05 PM on June 4, 2011
What is up with young guys at the gym these days. Covering up with a towel at all tomes...
Well, it's a bit embarrassing, because some of those tomes are even longer than I am.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 2:17 PM on June 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
Well, it's a bit embarrassing, because some of those tomes are even longer than I am.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 2:17 PM on June 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
#firstworldproblems
posted by waxbanks at 2:20 PM on June 4, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by waxbanks at 2:20 PM on June 4, 2011 [3 favorites]
Having seen more scrotums in my life than the pope I feel like I should be desensitized by the sight of gentlemen blow drying their bits. But it isn't that they flap around like two basketballs in a bed sheet on a cloths line. It is the why.
It is like going into a deli and seeing a baby grand piano on the meat slicer. It just doesn't make sense.
posted by munchingzombie at 2:30 PM on June 4, 2011 [5 favorites]
It is like going into a deli and seeing a baby grand piano on the meat slicer. It just doesn't make sense.
posted by munchingzombie at 2:30 PM on June 4, 2011 [5 favorites]
"In male culture you don't talk to anyone else around you when you are naked (even partially) and you just do your business and get out of the "I'm naked in a group" situation as quickly as possible. "
This is really only true, in my experience, with younger guys. There may have been a kind of shift sometime around the late 80's or early 90's. Guys who were in high school before that seem to be a lot less hung-up on about the locker room scene.
Either that or younger guys are just inherently more insecure about this sort of thing.
posted by oddman at 2:32 PM on June 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
This is really only true, in my experience, with younger guys. There may have been a kind of shift sometime around the late 80's or early 90's. Guys who were in high school before that seem to be a lot less hung-up on about the locker room scene.
Either that or younger guys are just inherently more insecure about this sort of thing.
posted by oddman at 2:32 PM on June 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
Think of the others that will unknowingly point the blow-dryer at their hair later in the day.
Do scrotums give off ball radiation under heat or something? What's the half-life on that?
posted by cj_ at 3:03 PM on June 4, 2011 [13 favorites]
Do scrotums give off ball radiation under heat or something? What's the half-life on that?
posted by cj_ at 3:03 PM on June 4, 2011 [13 favorites]
The balltum can be deadly if you apply it directly to your forehead.
posted by The Whelk at 3:06 PM on June 4, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by The Whelk at 3:06 PM on June 4, 2011 [3 favorites]
The rest of the McSweeny open letters are terrible. Are they just putting every submission up?
posted by Joe Chip at 3:28 PM on June 4, 2011
posted by Joe Chip at 3:28 PM on June 4, 2011
Do scrotums give off ball radiation under heat or something? What's the half-life on that?
Yeah, I am mystified by this sort of comment too. I have a digital camera; during a camping trip once, a girlfriend slipped down a cliff and wound up with a massive bruise on her ass. She wanted to survey the damage, so I took a photo or two for her to see what was what.
I once used this same camera to take photos at a meetup -- are mefites horrified that they were un the lens of a camera that once saw a girl's bum?
posted by ricochet biscuit at 4:04 PM on June 4, 2011 [2 favorites]
Yeah, I am mystified by this sort of comment too. I have a digital camera; during a camping trip once, a girlfriend slipped down a cliff and wound up with a massive bruise on her ass. She wanted to survey the damage, so I took a photo or two for her to see what was what.
I once used this same camera to take photos at a meetup -- are mefites horrified that they were un the lens of a camera that once saw a girl's bum?
posted by ricochet biscuit at 4:04 PM on June 4, 2011 [2 favorites]
Our theory of contamination is so strong that, realistically speaking, we can't be in the same room as you?
posted by The Whelk at 4:08 PM on June 4, 2011
posted by The Whelk at 4:08 PM on June 4, 2011
First of all, I cannot believe that this is something lots of people can relate to, as I fucking know the guy blow-drying his balls in the gym locker room, and I can tell you more about him.
He's in his late 30's early 40's, pretty muscular and very hairy, although ironically he is balding. He wears little black speedo underwear and has a gold cross hanging around his neck. I've seen him dry his balls at least two or three times, he looks at himself in the mirror and sticks out his chest while he's doing it.
Now at the gym I go to.. get this, there's a community hair-dryer. That's right, it's locked onto the wall by the dressing room table on top of which there is a mirror that start about waist-high. Dedicated presumably to let guys dry their hair. And this guy, I looked over, he has the audacity to dry his balls with the community hair-dryer. I see his back while he's doing it. No shame.
Second of all, I don't know what gym Poet Lariat goes to, but there is some serious balls on display at my gym. Balls in the sauna, balls walking around, balls in the shower. Conversations between balls, the whole nine. It's the droopy asses that really get me though.
I was just looking at the moley, sagging ass of this really old guy changing clothes next to me this morning thinking to myself, holy shit, how is that possible. I can't believe that is going to happen to me one day... if I'm lucky.
posted by phaedon at 4:18 PM on June 4, 2011
He's in his late 30's early 40's, pretty muscular and very hairy, although ironically he is balding. He wears little black speedo underwear and has a gold cross hanging around his neck. I've seen him dry his balls at least two or three times, he looks at himself in the mirror and sticks out his chest while he's doing it.
Now at the gym I go to.. get this, there's a community hair-dryer. That's right, it's locked onto the wall by the dressing room table on top of which there is a mirror that start about waist-high. Dedicated presumably to let guys dry their hair. And this guy, I looked over, he has the audacity to dry his balls with the community hair-dryer. I see his back while he's doing it. No shame.
Second of all, I don't know what gym Poet Lariat goes to, but there is some serious balls on display at my gym. Balls in the sauna, balls walking around, balls in the shower. Conversations between balls, the whole nine. It's the droopy asses that really get me though.
I was just looking at the moley, sagging ass of this really old guy changing clothes next to me this morning thinking to myself, holy shit, how is that possible. I can't believe that is going to happen to me one day... if I'm lucky.
posted by phaedon at 4:18 PM on June 4, 2011
Metafilter: An elite group of Spartans that blow-dry their balls wherever they God damn please
posted by codswallop at 5:03 PM on June 4, 2011 [5 favorites]
posted by codswallop at 5:03 PM on June 4, 2011 [5 favorites]
I was just looking at the moley, sagging ass of this really old guy changing clothes next to me this morning thinking to myself, holy shit, how is that possible. I can't believe that is going to happen to me one day... if I'm lucky.
That old, saggy assed moley guy is still going to a gym as a senior, and probably took good care of himself. Imagine what the locker room would look like at the Rascal scooter convention.
posted by benzenedream at 5:08 PM on June 4, 2011
That old, saggy assed moley guy is still going to a gym as a senior, and probably took good care of himself. Imagine what the locker room would look like at the Rascal scooter convention.
posted by benzenedream at 5:08 PM on June 4, 2011
In male culture you don't talk to anyone else around you when you are naked (even partially) and you just do your business and get out of the "I'm naked in a group" situation as quickly as possible.
Your penis isn't that small, stop being so anxious all the time. Also if a gay guy is checking you out, you don't have to fuck him and consider yourself flattered. The locker room is for dirty jokes and bullshitting. Also if you can't piss in front of other men or when others are talking it crawls backup you may have a serious medical condition.
posted by humanfont at 5:16 PM on June 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
Your penis isn't that small, stop being so anxious all the time. Also if a gay guy is checking you out, you don't have to fuck him and consider yourself flattered. The locker room is for dirty jokes and bullshitting. Also if you can't piss in front of other men or when others are talking it crawls backup you may have a serious medical condition.
posted by humanfont at 5:16 PM on June 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
Do scrotums give off ball radiation under heat or something? What's the half-life on that?
I guess for me the concern would be finding some white'n'curlies stuck to the hairdryer or blown in me face.
Now I've got the irresistible urge to teabag the next Dyson Airblade I see.
posted by Existential Dread at 5:20 PM on June 4, 2011 [5 favorites]
I guess for me the concern would be finding some white'n'curlies stuck to the hairdryer or blown in me face.
Now I've got the irresistible urge to teabag the next Dyson Airblade I see.
posted by Existential Dread at 5:20 PM on June 4, 2011 [5 favorites]
I usually don't like any bathroom humour and particularly not male bathroom humour as I always wind up finding out things I didn't want to know, but when the title of this post made me crack up I just had to look. And it was worth it.
It sounds just like something someone I know might have written, and I'd like to send it to him and tell him so, but he might take that the wrong way. In fact there might not be a right way to take that.
posted by orange swan at 5:22 PM on June 4, 2011
It sounds just like something someone I know might have written, and I'd like to send it to him and tell him so, but he might take that the wrong way. In fact there might not be a right way to take that.
posted by orange swan at 5:22 PM on June 4, 2011
Better his balls than his ass crack.
'Cause I've seen guys do that at my gym.
posted by bwg at 5:24 PM on June 4, 2011
'Cause I've seen guys do that at my gym.
posted by bwg at 5:24 PM on June 4, 2011
I'm expecting "guy blowdrying his balls" to be the next budweiser "real men of genius" ad.
I don't have balls (or ovaries anymore, but, I couldn't blowdry them anyways), but I will totally recommend blow-drying your feet - it gets the area in between the toes much dryer and helps reduce icky feet in general and fungus in specific. It also doesn't involve touching your feet with the hair dryer so it doesn't contaminate the blow dryer with public hair.
posted by rmd1023 at 5:34 PM on June 4, 2011
I don't have balls (or ovaries anymore, but, I couldn't blowdry them anyways), but I will totally recommend blow-drying your feet - it gets the area in between the toes much dryer and helps reduce icky feet in general and fungus in specific. It also doesn't involve touching your feet with the hair dryer so it doesn't contaminate the blow dryer with public hair.
posted by rmd1023 at 5:34 PM on June 4, 2011
Dedicated presumably to let guys dry their hair. And this guy, I looked over, he has the audacity to dry his balls with the community hair-dryer. I see his back while he's doing it. No shame.
What is the concern here? Are you afraid some ball sweat is going to defy the maelstrom of hot air and land on on the blow dryer and lay in wait to get on your head when you use it?
posted by humanfont at 5:45 PM on June 4, 2011
What is the concern here? Are you afraid some ball sweat is going to defy the maelstrom of hot air and land on on the blow dryer and lay in wait to get on your head when you use it?
posted by humanfont at 5:45 PM on June 4, 2011
"In male culture you don't talk to anyone else around you when you are naked (even partially) and you just do your business and get out of the "I'm naked in a group" situation as quickly as possible. "
This is really only true, in my experience, with younger guys. There may have been a kind of shift sometime around the late 80's or early 90's. Guys who were in high school before that seem to be a lot less hung-up on about the locker room scene.
Either that or younger guys are just inherently more insecure about this sort of thing.
True. Up until 1980-ish, Chicago Public Schools that had swimming pools would have them swim naked. For example. I wish it wasn't a collective hangup now, because it seems silly, but it is. Possibly a side-effect of the stranger-danger culture, which for all of its positives, does tend to cause people to believe their crotchal regions are more special than they ought to be.
posted by gjc at 5:47 PM on June 4, 2011
This is really only true, in my experience, with younger guys. There may have been a kind of shift sometime around the late 80's or early 90's. Guys who were in high school before that seem to be a lot less hung-up on about the locker room scene.
Either that or younger guys are just inherently more insecure about this sort of thing.
True. Up until 1980-ish, Chicago Public Schools that had swimming pools would have them swim naked. For example. I wish it wasn't a collective hangup now, because it seems silly, but it is. Possibly a side-effect of the stranger-danger culture, which for all of its positives, does tend to cause people to believe their crotchal regions are more special than they ought to be.
posted by gjc at 5:47 PM on June 4, 2011
It seems to me that the locker room is the most utilitarian of all spaces. If I want to dry my balls with the hand dryer, so what? It isn't like these people are asking you to blow on them, they are just putting their balls near a stream of warm air. There is absolutely no harm done to anyone or anything. It is locker room rule #1: if you don't want to see my balls, don't look at them.
(Now, if you are clipping your nails, please stop, unless you are attempting to do it over the sink or a garbage can. Anyone can forgive an errant flying nail, IF you are putting in a minimum effort of trying to contain them.)
posted by gjc at 5:53 PM on June 4, 2011
(Now, if you are clipping your nails, please stop, unless you are attempting to do it over the sink or a garbage can. Anyone can forgive an errant flying nail, IF you are putting in a minimum effort of trying to contain them.)
posted by gjc at 5:53 PM on June 4, 2011
I think I would rather know that guy is not walking around with damp balls all day. But what can I say, I'm a giver.
posted by dixiecupdrinking at 5:58 PM on June 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by dixiecupdrinking at 5:58 PM on June 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
It has been brought to my attention that my comments quoted Poet Lauriet and i was missing some context as I didn't see her full comment, but only some followups. I missed her comment on seeing the world from both sides, and I was just jumping in midstream. I see that I was missing some context and my comments may be seen as attacking a transgendered individual. This was not my intent. I apologize wholly and without reservation. The fault is mine for jot checking original comments.
posted by humanfont at 6:24 PM on June 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by humanfont at 6:24 PM on June 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
An Open Letter to McSweeny's: You are nowhere near as funny or cool as you think you are.
posted by jonmc at 6:25 PM on June 4, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by jonmc at 6:25 PM on June 4, 2011 [2 favorites]
Metafilter: Gray and spotted. like a ham in a paintball fight
posted by jcworth at 6:35 PM on June 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by jcworth at 6:35 PM on June 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
Humanfront: No problemo.
Wasn't sure how to take the "Your penis isn't that small" comment but I figured you'd figure it out eventually :)
posted by Poet_Lariat at 6:59 PM on June 4, 2011 [2 favorites]
Wasn't sure how to take the "Your penis isn't that small" comment but I figured you'd figure it out eventually :)
posted by Poet_Lariat at 6:59 PM on June 4, 2011 [2 favorites]
...the ones that are the most comfortable with their own public nudity are also the ones that really really shouldn't be.
Hey, by the time you've got to that stage, for one reason or another, you've EARNED your right to be there. Time will FYU, too, baby.
And if the eyesight of ancient flesh disturbs you, here's a pro tip: Your head swivels, and your eyeballs can roll in the other direction.
posted by BlueHorse at 7:22 PM on June 4, 2011
Hey, by the time you've got to that stage, for one reason or another, you've EARNED your right to be there. Time will FYU, too, baby.
And if the eyesight of ancient flesh disturbs you, here's a pro tip: Your head swivels, and your eyeballs can roll in the other direction.
posted by BlueHorse at 7:22 PM on June 4, 2011
Besides, I've started to find that it's nice to occasionally air out the old gom jabbar, but usually I save that for around the house.
You realize that you have likened your junk to a needle dipped in poison?
posted by mygoditsbob at 7:47 PM on June 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
You realize that you have likened your junk to a needle dipped in poison?
posted by mygoditsbob at 7:47 PM on June 4, 2011 [1 favorite]
'Hemlock Needledick' would be a good name for a... well, anything, really.
posted by box at 7:50 PM on June 4, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by box at 7:50 PM on June 4, 2011 [3 favorites]
This is really only true, in my experience, with younger guys. There may have been a kind of shift sometime around the late 80's or early 90's. Guys who were in high school before that seem to be a lot less hung-up on about the locker room scene.
I'm pushing 50 and I'm definitely one of the don't walk around naked, don't talk to anyone and don't make eye contact sort of locker room users. Fortunately I mostly go to the Y that's two blocks from my house so I just shower when I get home. There are few things that I enjoy less than being naked in front of strangers.
posted by octothorpe at 8:10 PM on June 4, 2011
I'm pushing 50 and I'm definitely one of the don't walk around naked, don't talk to anyone and don't make eye contact sort of locker room users. Fortunately I mostly go to the Y that's two blocks from my house so I just shower when I get home. There are few things that I enjoy less than being naked in front of strangers.
posted by octothorpe at 8:10 PM on June 4, 2011
freakazoid writes "'m glad someone finally addressed this issue. I mean, really... why? A towel doesn't get them dry enough?"
The first time one gets a fungal infection in their groin totally changes their opinion on the veracity of towels getting stuff dry enough.
freakazoid writes "Please old guy, I beg you. Stop. Think of the others that will unknowingly point the blow-dryer at their hair later in the day."
Unless the guy is rubbing the business end of the blow dryer on his genitals I'm not sure what he would need to be thinking about.
posted by Mitheral at 8:51 PM on June 4, 2011
The first time one gets a fungal infection in their groin totally changes their opinion on the veracity of towels getting stuff dry enough.
freakazoid writes "Please old guy, I beg you. Stop. Think of the others that will unknowingly point the blow-dryer at their hair later in the day."
Unless the guy is rubbing the business end of the blow dryer on his genitals I'm not sure what he would need to be thinking about.
posted by Mitheral at 8:51 PM on June 4, 2011
Two words: Baby Powder.
posted by OHenryPacey at 9:08 PM on June 4, 2011
posted by OHenryPacey at 9:08 PM on June 4, 2011
Poet_Lariat, I'm so glad to have your perspective. Honestly, it took a while for my cis-female self to get comfortable with the matter-of-fact nudity in women's locker rooms. My family was extremely modest; I opted out of PE in high school; in college, I never took a class that required anything sweaty or strenuous. I was 26 years old, in the locker room at the rather plush downtown Y, before I ever saw another woman just walking around nekkid. I soon came to appreciate the candor, and the blasé response to every bodily variation. I do remember a few women blow-drying their pubes with the bolted-in dryer but it never occurred to me to be horrified. It's not like they were treating it like a dildo.
I will say this: Nudity does not enhance one's rhetorical position. My locker was near the TV and one morning, as I was changing into gym gear, another woman nearby was dressing for work. I am very old, so old that the TV was tuned to coverage of the Anita Hill/Clarence Thomas hearings. The other woman expressed serious doubt as to Hill's veracity: "If she's not lying, why'd she wait so long?" I stated a few possible reasons, the other woman dismissed them, a heated discussion ensued, and suddenly I found myself naked, hollering at a fully clothed stranger, shaking my fist and my panties at her. That's when I knew I had to move to New York.
posted by dogrose at 9:52 PM on June 4, 2011 [9 favorites]
I will say this: Nudity does not enhance one's rhetorical position. My locker was near the TV and one morning, as I was changing into gym gear, another woman nearby was dressing for work. I am very old, so old that the TV was tuned to coverage of the Anita Hill/Clarence Thomas hearings. The other woman expressed serious doubt as to Hill's veracity: "If she's not lying, why'd she wait so long?" I stated a few possible reasons, the other woman dismissed them, a heated discussion ensued, and suddenly I found myself naked, hollering at a fully clothed stranger, shaking my fist and my panties at her. That's when I knew I had to move to New York.
posted by dogrose at 9:52 PM on June 4, 2011 [9 favorites]
I misread this at first in a way that indicated the existence of "teen magazine(s) for girls prone to yeast infections" and had a moment imagining the copy and ads for such a specialty publication.
Oh jeez, it totally does read that way. That is both embarrassing (oh noes syntax fail) and completely awesome.
posted by palomar at 11:43 PM on June 4, 2011
Oh jeez, it totally does read that way. That is both embarrassing (oh noes syntax fail) and completely awesome.
posted by palomar at 11:43 PM on June 4, 2011
If you think that using a blow dryer on your balls is bad, the internet is not the place for you.
posted by psycho-alchemy at 12:26 AM on June 5, 2011
posted by psycho-alchemy at 12:26 AM on June 5, 2011
When using a blow dryer on the balls, there is good chance that some of that ball musk will reflect back into the fan. Then the next person who uses that blow dryer will get some ball stuff on them. Not much, but a little bit. So wash your hands after using a blow dryer. Then, um, just wipe them on your pants to dry them off.
It's kinda like when you smell another person's fart, tiny gas particles from up way deep inside that person's asshole have now entered your nasal passages, which are connected to your mouth, which basically means you are tasting that person's ass, literally.
posted by jefbla at 1:06 AM on June 5, 2011
It's kinda like when you smell another person's fart, tiny gas particles from up way deep inside that person's asshole have now entered your nasal passages, which are connected to your mouth, which basically means you are tasting that person's ass, literally.
posted by jefbla at 1:06 AM on June 5, 2011
When using a blow dryer on the balls, there is good chance that some of that ball musk will reflect back into the fan.
That is not how a fan works.
posted by dubold at 1:33 AM on June 5, 2011
That is not how a fan works.
posted by dubold at 1:33 AM on June 5, 2011
The WHO said it would give you ball cancer.
Pete Townshend recommends standing in front of him, leg aloft whilst he windmills his guitar.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 2:24 AM on June 5, 2011 [2 favorites]
Pete Townshend recommends standing in front of him, leg aloft whilst he windmills his guitar.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 2:24 AM on June 5, 2011 [2 favorites]
jefbla writes "When using a blow dryer on the balls, there is good chance that some of that ball musk will reflect back into the fan."
Considering the person has supposedly just got out of the shower and has at least passed a towel over the area while drying their body I'd be a lot more worried about the ball musk, urine and fecal matter being aerosolized and suspended in the moist air by the shower facilities than the probably immeasurable amount that is being sucked into the hair dryer. If I was worried about ball musk at the gym; which I'm not.
posted by Mitheral at 2:42 AM on June 5, 2011
Considering the person has supposedly just got out of the shower and has at least passed a towel over the area while drying their body I'd be a lot more worried about the ball musk, urine and fecal matter being aerosolized and suspended in the moist air by the shower facilities than the probably immeasurable amount that is being sucked into the hair dryer. If I was worried about ball musk at the gym; which I'm not.
posted by Mitheral at 2:42 AM on June 5, 2011
relevant.
posted by jessamyn
Indeed. I came in here to post a link to that very question of mine.
Also: followup, please? I've started doing the same thing, occasionally, in the privacy of my own bathroom. It is delicious.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 2:56 AM on June 5, 2011
posted by jessamyn
Indeed. I came in here to post a link to that very question of mine.
Also: followup, please? I've started doing the same thing, occasionally, in the privacy of my own bathroom. It is delicious.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 2:56 AM on June 5, 2011
I use a curling iron on mine. They look like a fancy moustache, but don't leave me with much pocket room.
posted by tumid dahlia at 4:29 AM on June 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by tumid dahlia at 4:29 AM on June 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
You realize that you have likened your junk to a needle dipped in poison?
I use the term more in reference to the "high-handed enemy." I would call it Shai Hulud, but I feel that would sound like bragging (although "drowning the little maker" would be a great euphemism).
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 4:46 AM on June 5, 2011 [2 favorites]
I use the term more in reference to the "high-handed enemy." I would call it Shai Hulud, but I feel that would sound like bragging (although "drowning the little maker" would be a great euphemism).
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 4:46 AM on June 5, 2011 [2 favorites]
I spent all this time reading these comments FOR WORK. Because I work in a laboratory where, to leave, you must shower out in a cramped public locker room. All of us regulars know the drill, but we have lots of visitors, including students and people from other countries, and we need to be sensitive the the infinite diversity of human culture and experience. We just had a visitor who, hearing all the instructions, including about the mandatory 2-minute shampooing of hair, agreed to the conditions in writing, entered the lab, and then, heading out, asked if she had to get her *wig* wet. Suddenly we were faced with a real dilemma of public safety versus possibly traumatizing someone with public embarrassment (did she have cancer-related hair loss?). Also, if the wig wasn't immersed, it would have to exit the facility by the POISON GAS AUTOCLAVE, which would take 12 hours and then you'd have to put the wig back on your head after it had spent time in POISON GAS. And what about the hair underneath the wig? Did we have to make her wash that, too? Fortunately, she washed the wig without fuss. What I'm saying is, differences in showering culture may seem funny, but they can be important. We let students take tours of our facility so they can see science in action and perhaps decide to become scientists. It would be a shame if they decided on another career because of modesty or a disinclination to get their hair wet.
posted by acrasis at 9:17 AM on June 5, 2011
posted by acrasis at 9:17 AM on June 5, 2011
You realize that you have likened your junk to a needle dipped in poison?
"Would that my prick had such sting!"
—Robin Williams, in a slightly different context
posted by Crabby Appleton at 9:52 AM on June 5, 2011
"Would that my prick had such sting!"
—Robin Williams, in a slightly different context
posted by Crabby Appleton at 9:52 AM on June 5, 2011
I knew this was a McSweeney's article the second I saw it. It was, and it was very funny. Rock on, old man.
posted by codacorolla at 6:03 PM on June 5, 2011
posted by codacorolla at 6:03 PM on June 5, 2011
Of course female bathroom mores are decidedly different. I recall how appalled I felt when, shortly after transition, I went into a bathroom and another woman chatted me up at a sink (I know, silly in our context but not in the other one) . Fortunately I kept my feelings to myself and twigged on to the new values pretty quickly.
I'd never really discussed public restroom behavior with anyone until I got married. Mr. Adams once inquired of me as I emerged from the ladies' room (during a road trip rest stop) "Are you OK? You were in the bathroom so long I thought you might be sick...." I explained that the woman next to me washing her hands needed change for the machine and I didn't have any, but I did have a spare tampon in my purse that I gave her. And then we got to talking about how Mother Nature sometimes strikes when least expected, which led to a brief conversation (called back and forth over the stall door) recalling embarrassing junior high school feminine hygiene mishaps.... He was totally flummoxed. "You talked that much to some person in the bathroom?!"
posted by Oriole Adams at 1:08 PM on June 6, 2011
I'd never really discussed public restroom behavior with anyone until I got married. Mr. Adams once inquired of me as I emerged from the ladies' room (during a road trip rest stop) "Are you OK? You were in the bathroom so long I thought you might be sick...." I explained that the woman next to me washing her hands needed change for the machine and I didn't have any, but I did have a spare tampon in my purse that I gave her. And then we got to talking about how Mother Nature sometimes strikes when least expected, which led to a brief conversation (called back and forth over the stall door) recalling embarrassing junior high school feminine hygiene mishaps.... He was totally flummoxed. "You talked that much to some person in the bathroom?!"
posted by Oriole Adams at 1:08 PM on June 6, 2011
Why do i picture george w. And cheney doing this?
posted by stormpooper at 5:27 AM on June 7, 2011
posted by stormpooper at 5:27 AM on June 7, 2011
Why do i picture george w. And cheney doing this?
Why do I suddenly have a mental picture of them doing it for each other and how do I get rid of said mental picture?
posted by orange swan at 8:48 AM on June 7, 2011
Why do I suddenly have a mental picture of them doing it for each other and how do I get rid of said mental picture?
posted by orange swan at 8:48 AM on June 7, 2011
Existential Dread: Now I've got the irresistible urge to teabag the next Dyson Airblade I see.
Since you posted this, I have thought of this comment every time I've seen a dyson airblade.
posted by rmd1023 at 6:38 AM on June 21, 2011
Since you posted this, I have thought of this comment every time I've seen a dyson airblade.
posted by rmd1023 at 6:38 AM on June 21, 2011
Since you posted this, I have thought of this comment every time I've seen a dyson airblade.
I don't recommend it. Testicular torsion can be a painful side effect or so I've heard from some guy I know who was really really drunk and thought this might be a good idea.
posted by humanfont at 7:00 AM on June 21, 2011
I don't recommend it. Testicular torsion can be a painful side effect or so I've heard from some guy I know who was really really drunk and thought this might be a good idea.
posted by humanfont at 7:00 AM on June 21, 2011
Oh, I'm not equipped to actually try this, so I'm safe. But I look at the airblade and snicker to myself and think "heh. teabagging an airblade."
posted by rmd1023 at 7:07 AM on June 21, 2011
posted by rmd1023 at 7:07 AM on June 21, 2011
scalefree writes "A request from the Management."
The machine that makes those style of labels is fairly cheap. It is quite possible it isn't from management. I've been tempted a few times to go nuts with practical joke labels. Either a set of inane labels (This side up on a door for example) or ridiculously anal retentive.
posted by Mitheral at 8:45 AM on June 21, 2011
The machine that makes those style of labels is fairly cheap. It is quite possible it isn't from management. I've been tempted a few times to go nuts with practical joke labels. Either a set of inane labels (This side up on a door for example) or ridiculously anal retentive.
posted by Mitheral at 8:45 AM on June 21, 2011
I've been tempted a few times to go nuts
I see what you did there.
posted by scalefree at 1:14 PM on June 21, 2011
I see what you did there.
posted by scalefree at 1:14 PM on June 21, 2011
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posted by Halloween Jack at 11:06 AM on June 4, 2011 [11 favorites]