Dolphin Paratroopers

June 9, 2011 9:04 AM

Dolphin Paratroopers "The most bizarre Soviet marine mammal system was a dolphin paratrooper. A dolphin wore a harness attached to a parachute, and could be dropped from heights up to 3,000 meters." Not a computer game, but Brian "Skeptoid" Dunning on the military's killer dolphins in the US and elsewhere. All the more fascinating for being soberly researched and bullshit-free.
posted by Paul Slade (37 comments total)

Motto: Death, herring from above.
posted by zippy at 9:08 AM on June 9, 2011

Do we have to militarize everything? Can't the dolphins just parachute for fun?
posted by Slack-a-gogo at 9:10 AM on June 9, 2011 [12 favorites]

One of the few beings on the planet whose intelligence rivals our own, and how to we interact with them? We drag them into our wars. We drop them out of planes. We enslave them for our amusement. We slaughter them for food. We make their homelands uninhabitable.

Here's hoping we don't make contact with extra-terrestrial life anytime soon.
posted by hermitosis at 9:10 AM on June 9, 2011 [6 favorites]

So long and thanks for all the military training.
posted by GavinR at 9:11 AM on June 9, 2011 [3 favorites]

We drag them into our wars. We drop them out of planes. We enslave them for our amusement. We slaughter them for food. We make their homelands uninhabitable.

At least we're consistent, that counts, right?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 9:13 AM on June 9, 2011 [1 favorite]

One of the few beings on the planet whose intelligence rivals our own

Which are the others? Can we try dropping them all out of planes too?
posted by spicynuts at 9:18 AM on June 9, 2011 [3 favorites]

Well shit, maybe this wasn't as ridiculous as I first thought! Best movie tag line EVER
posted by EndsOfInvention at 9:18 AM on June 9, 2011

ProTip: When being attacked by a "killer dolphin", you can defend yourself by preoccupying them with a beach ball.
posted by Bathtub Bobsled at 9:19 AM on June 9, 2011

Instead of Seal Team Six, this is Flipper Team Five.
posted by mattdidthat at 9:21 AM on June 9, 2011

What, no frickin' lasers on their heads?
posted by entropicamericana at 9:21 AM on June 9, 2011

Well, it makes more sense that the Canadian Air Force's proposal.
posted by blue_beetle at 9:21 AM on June 9, 2011

Oh, and dolphins are just innocent creatures, right? WRONG.
posted by clockzero at 9:23 AM on June 9, 2011 [1 favorite]

Paul Slade: "bullshit-free."

Oh, I wouldn't say that.
posted by boo_radley at 9:24 AM on June 9, 2011

All kidding aside, now we know how a transvestite ketamine freak named John C Lilly got funding.

Not to speak ill of transvestites, but I'd imagine a handful of military folk would've been bothered by his improvised breast implants.
posted by Bathtub Bobsled at 9:24 AM on June 9, 2011

Hey, Day of the Dolphin is available for streaming on Netflix!
posted by Horselover Phattie at 9:26 AM on June 9, 2011

One of the few beings on the planet whose intelligence rivals our own, and how to we interact with them? We drag them into our wars. We drop them out of planes. We enslave them for our amusement. We slaughter them for food. We make their homelands uninhabitable.

Hey, it's no worse than we treat our own species.
posted by PlusDistance at 9:29 AM on June 9, 2011

This is only the beginning.
posted by griphus at 9:31 AM on June 9, 2011

I really wish someone would draw this up as a parody Marvel Comics cover: Sgt Flipper & His Howlin' Commandos.
posted by Paul Slade at 9:34 AM on June 9, 2011

I think I saw some of these in Plants vs. Zombies.
posted by exogenous at 9:44 AM on June 9, 2011 [1 favorite]

spicynuts : Which are the others? Can we try dropping them all out of planes too?

Well, I can't speak for any other project leaders out there, but I can say that my efforts to make paratrooper crows has been wildly successful in that we throw them out of the plane, and they don't immediately die.

They do however stalk us later and make our lives miserable in ways you can't begin to imagine.

Unfortunately our efforts to militarize elephants hasn't gone quite as well; they parachute out, land and remember that whole "Hannibal thing", say "fuck it" and become conscientious objectors.
posted by quin at 9:47 AM on June 9, 2011 [1 favorite]

Which are the others? Can we try dropping them all out of planes too?

You want to put the parachute on the Orangutan? Be my guest.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 9:55 AM on June 9, 2011 [1 favorite]

> Not to speak ill of transvestites

Interesting-- I hadn't known about the transvestism/implants angle.
posted by darth_tedious at 10:18 AM on June 9, 2011

You want to put the parachute on the Orangutan? Be my guest.

No but I was hoping someone would mention the octopuses cuz I would love to see an octopus platoon with parachutes raining down on some village somewhere. that would be fricking AWESOME
posted by spicynuts at 10:23 AM on June 9, 2011 [2 favorites]

Eh. They're no Soviet Rocket Giraffe.
posted by Bora Horza Gobuchul at 10:33 AM on June 9, 2011 [1 favorite]

All the more fascinating for being soberly researched and bullshit-free.

Great find, thanks, but your post didn't need this comment.
posted by londonmark at 10:38 AM on June 9, 2011

In June of 1977, Penthouse magazine published an article ...

Aaaaaaaaand that's where I stopped reading.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 10:58 AM on June 9, 2011

Well the British had an experimental 10 kt nuclear land mine powered by a live chicken.

I'll just let you mull that one over.

Nuclear. Land mine. Containing a live chicken.

In fairness, the chicken didn't really "power" the bomb, it was just supposed to keep it warm for a week or so.
posted by Kadin2048 at 11:12 AM on June 9, 2011

Londonmark said: "Great find, thanks, but your post didn't need this comment."

I included it because I wanted people to understand Dunning isn't just some nutty conspiracy theorist peddling irrational nonsense as fact. Sorry if you were offended by the rude word.
posted by Paul Slade at 11:14 AM on June 9, 2011

cuz I would love to see an octopus platoon with parachutes raining down on some village somewhere.

Don't be so sure. There are some horrors that can't be unseen. I remember the great Cephalopod uprising of '89. when the 'pods descended from the skies in their amphibio-armor suits and simply crushed and ate any town that got in their way.

The sight of a sucker-wound scar still forces me right back into a state of heightened PSTD. It was only be throwing ourselves at their, what we'll laughingly call "mercy", and becoming willing traitors to the human race, that some of us made it out of there alive.

Be thankful you haven't seen them come from the sky.
posted by quin at 11:18 AM on June 9, 2011

Can someone send quin a cookie?
posted by spicynuts at 11:25 AM on June 9, 2011

One of the few beings on the planet whose intelligence rivals our own

Which are the others? Can we try dropping them all out of planes too?

The heaviest item that the world's largest cargo plane, the Russian Antonov An-225 ever carried, was a generator weighing 189.09 tonnes (416,900 lbs). So there should be no technical issue with proceeding with the whale tests, at least once the parachute harness design is finalized.
posted by fairmettle at 11:32 AM on June 9, 2011

No ma'am, no dipshit.
posted by AugieAugustus at 11:36 AM on June 9, 2011

So there should be no technical issue with proceeding with the whale tests, at least once the parachute harness design is finalized.

"That's it! Ground! Ha!
I wonder if it will be friends with me?"
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 11:42 AM on June 9, 2011 [6 favorites]

Oooh, I may flag myself for posting this, but:

"A similar program was tested by the British M.O.D. in the '70s, but was later shelved after being declared 'Not Fit For Porpoise'."
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 12:13 PM on June 9, 2011 [1 favorite]

Not a computer game
Yet.
posted by NMcCoy at 1:28 PM on June 9, 2011

Wait, Penthouse magazine published an article, proved in court that it was substantially true, and that made you stop reading? Sure it's hardly the most respected of pornography driven journals, but if the story is strong does it really matter that much who you had to sell it too, to get it in print?
posted by fido~depravo at 7:30 PM on June 9, 2011

Sure it's hardly the most respected of pornography driven journals

What is the most respected of pornography driven journals?
posted by zippy at 8:46 PM on June 10, 2011