ZombieMidlands
June 11, 2011 6:35 AM Subscribe
Dear Leicester City Council, Can you please let us know what provisions you have in place in the event of a zombie invasion?
I'm of a few minds about this. One, that it is silly and a waste of time to even respond. On the other hand, people are notoriously poor at planning for disasters; if the prospect of a bunch of tea green, roadkill-reeking carcasses staggering about the landscape hungry for the fruits of one's central nervous system is what it takes to get people to think about how much they depend on basic infrastructure, maybe that is as much as we might reasonably hope from folks.
On the gripping hand, what is wrong with people?
posted by adipocere at 6:53 AM on June 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
On the gripping hand, what is wrong with people?
posted by adipocere at 6:53 AM on June 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
The zombie survival plan meme is really simple to explain. If you ask people to come up with a plan for what to do for their intermediate term well being after and earth quake, blizzard from hell, tornado or what have you, they'll respond in much the same way as if you asked them to look over their life insurance policy.
If you ask them to plan what they'd do in the case of a zombie apocalypse, it's like asking them what they'd do if they won a $300,000,000 lottery jackpot (only with more shotguns and chain saws and less caviar and expensive sports cars). Suddenly it's not looking at your life insurance policy - it's a role playing game where you don't have to go through the whole tedious rolling up characters bit and no convoluted combat tables.
It all comes down to something Eisenhower said, back in the day: "Plans are worthless, but planning is everything. There is a very great distinction because when you are planning for an emergency you must start with this one thing: the very definition of "emergency" is that it is unexpected, therefore it is not going to happen the way you are planning."
posted by Kid Charlemagne at 6:57 AM on June 11, 2011 [15 favorites]
If you ask them to plan what they'd do in the case of a zombie apocalypse, it's like asking them what they'd do if they won a $300,000,000 lottery jackpot (only with more shotguns and chain saws and less caviar and expensive sports cars). Suddenly it's not looking at your life insurance policy - it's a role playing game where you don't have to go through the whole tedious rolling up characters bit and no convoluted combat tables.
It all comes down to something Eisenhower said, back in the day: "Plans are worthless, but planning is everything. There is a very great distinction because when you are planning for an emergency you must start with this one thing: the very definition of "emergency" is that it is unexpected, therefore it is not going to happen the way you are planning."
posted by Kid Charlemagne at 6:57 AM on June 11, 2011 [15 favorites]
If they're anything like the other UK city councils I've dealt with, step one in the zombie contingency plan is to send a strongly-worded letter to the zombies asking if they could please not eat quite so many brains, thank you.
Step two is to send potential zombie victims a form where they can document the time, place, and duration of zombie attacks. This form will then be sent off to an office somewhere in Croydon where it will get misfiled.
Step three is to file a planning application for a feasibility study for zombie-proof zebra crossings.
Step four is to cut library funding. Nobody knows why.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 7:07 AM on June 11, 2011 [26 favorites]
Step two is to send potential zombie victims a form where they can document the time, place, and duration of zombie attacks. This form will then be sent off to an office somewhere in Croydon where it will get misfiled.
Step three is to file a planning application for a feasibility study for zombie-proof zebra crossings.
Step four is to cut library funding. Nobody knows why.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 7:07 AM on June 11, 2011 [26 favorites]
The only zombie I worry about is one without enough rum.
posted by Slack-a-gogo at 7:09 AM on June 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by Slack-a-gogo at 7:09 AM on June 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
Thankfully Camden's Zombie invasion plan is already firmly in place. It's seen the building of a 12 million pound Zombie Welfare Centre, the translation of all official documents into spittle flecked grunting, a 15% Zombie Employment quota for swimming pool guards, kindergarten teachers and traffic wardens and the banning of the word 'lissom'. They're already advertising for two dozen Zombie Rights Officers in the Guardian and anyone with 'living privilege' is demoted straight to the bottom of the housing list. And they've shut down all the libraries to pay for it.
posted by joannemullen at 7:23 AM on June 11, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by joannemullen at 7:23 AM on June 11, 2011 [3 favorites]
Zombie invasion can sometimes mean "riot". Do they have plans for that? That should suffice then.
posted by Renoroc at 7:35 AM on June 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by Renoroc at 7:35 AM on June 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
Thankfully Camden's Zombie invasion plan is already firmly in place. It's seen the building of a 12 million pound Zombie Welfare Centre, the translation of all official documents into spittle flecked grunting, a 15% Zombie Employment quota for swimming pool guards, kindergarten teachers and traffic wardens and the banning of the word 'lissom'. They're already advertising for two dozen Zombie Rights Officers in the Guardian and anyone with 'living privilege' is demoted straight to the bottom of the housing list. And they've shut down all the libraries to pay for it.
BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT THE LOONEY LEFT DID WHEN THE DARKIES INVADED BRITAIN, AMIRITE?
posted by Busy Old Fool at 7:41 AM on June 11, 2011 [18 favorites]
BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT THE LOONEY LEFT DID WHEN THE DARKIES INVADED BRITAIN, AMIRITE?
posted by Busy Old Fool at 7:41 AM on June 11, 2011 [18 favorites]
This sucks without an actual reply. And I doubt a FOI request is valid without an actual name on the request. Call and response people, it's a 1,500 year old tradition. You write, they write back. This looks like a lazy note penned by a drunk college student. No event gets non-reaction. Much fucking ado about nothing. Guess it was a slow news day or journalism just sucks at those papers.
posted by cjorgensen at 8:21 AM on June 11, 2011
posted by cjorgensen at 8:21 AM on June 11, 2011
I tire of this, people pretending that this sort of thing is possible. Why don't we take up werewolf preparedness? Or self-aware space mold invasion contingency plans? Or weapons that can take out giant radioactive super ants? It was funny for about a minute but it's over people, brain eating walking undead are FUCKING FAKE. Stop writing books, bothering government, etc. with this nonsense.
posted by dozo at 8:30 AM on June 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by dozo at 8:30 AM on June 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
I am also tired of zombies. It's time for a total ban on any new vampire, werewolf or zombie shit. We need new monsters.
*buzzkill*
posted by Summer at 8:34 AM on June 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
*buzzkill*
posted by Summer at 8:34 AM on June 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
Yeah...This whole zombie fetish crap is ok as an in-joke amongst the hipsters, but I really tire of their insistence on injecting into the real world, as if the rest of the world will enjoy and share in their obviously brilliant high, ironic humor.
Tiresome and juvenile twaddle.
Pre-emptive "Metafilter: Tiresome and juvenile twaddle.
posted by Thorzdad at 8:36 AM on June 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
Tiresome and juvenile twaddle.
Pre-emptive "Metafilter: Tiresome and juvenile twaddle.
posted by Thorzdad at 8:36 AM on June 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
Thankfully Camden's Zombie invasion plan is already firmly in place. It's seen the building of a 12 million pound Zombie Welfare Centre, the translation of all official documents into spittle flecked grunting, a 15% Zombie Employment quota for swimming pool guards, kindergarten teachers and traffic wardens and the banning of the word 'lissom'. They're already advertising for two dozen Zombie Rights Officers in the Guardian and anyone with 'living privilege' is demoted straight to the bottom of the housing list. And they've shut down all the libraries to pay for it
Oh come on. All the zombies were already in the council, in the £100K a year non-jobs!
posted by Summer at 8:36 AM on June 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
Oh come on. All the zombies were already in the council, in the £100K a year non-jobs!
posted by Summer at 8:36 AM on June 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
Denial is not an option people.
posted by clavdivs at 8:54 AM on June 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by clavdivs at 8:54 AM on June 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
A plan from a city council is useless, it's every man for himself.
posted by Meatbomb at 9:32 AM on June 11, 2011
posted by Meatbomb at 9:32 AM on June 11, 2011
Well it fits the monster/horror metaphor pretty well, as a mirror of the prevalent fears in society.
We used to get giant mutated ants as a stand in for the fear of radioactivity, the body snatchers as a stand in for the fear of the communist takeover.
Now we have the injection of a, completely made up and utterly unrealistic zombie apocalypse in the public sphere as a stand in for the fear of terrorism.
posted by Greald at 9:59 AM on June 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
We used to get giant mutated ants as a stand in for the fear of radioactivity, the body snatchers as a stand in for the fear of the communist takeover.
Now we have the injection of a, completely made up and utterly unrealistic zombie apocalypse in the public sphere as a stand in for the fear of terrorism.
posted by Greald at 9:59 AM on June 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
Well, after all, why not? Why shouldn't Leicester be ready? The CDC just issued THEIR plan for the zombie apocalypse
posted by AsYouKnow Bob at 10:29 AM on June 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by AsYouKnow Bob at 10:29 AM on June 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
Denial is not an option people.
And yet I'm tired of zombies. I really am. Almost as tired as I am of vampires. We need a new threat, folks. I vote for the soul-sucking invisible energy monster from the id ... but it needs a more succinct name.
posted by philip-random at 10:45 AM on June 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
And yet I'm tired of zombies. I really am. Almost as tired as I am of vampires. We need a new threat, folks. I vote for the soul-sucking invisible energy monster from the id ... but it needs a more succinct name.
posted by philip-random at 10:45 AM on June 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
Tim?
posted by Summer at 10:50 AM on June 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by Summer at 10:50 AM on June 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
We need a new threat, folks. I vote for the soul-sucking invisible energy monster from the id ... but it needs a more succinct name.
The Internet.
posted by srboisvert at 11:07 AM on June 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
The Internet.
posted by srboisvert at 11:07 AM on June 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
Like a monster of greed and entitlement, philip-random?
I kind of picture some combo of the evil forces in a Wrinkle In Time, the Never-Ending Story, the Matrix, and American Gods, but they're not as satisfying as zombies exactly...
posted by salvia at 12:26 PM on June 11, 2011
I kind of picture some combo of the evil forces in a Wrinkle In Time, the Never-Ending Story, the Matrix, and American Gods, but they're not as satisfying as zombies exactly...
posted by salvia at 12:26 PM on June 11, 2011
We need new monsters.
*buzzkill*
You know, the buzzkill would be a great name for a monster.
posted by running order squabble fest at 12:42 PM on June 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
*buzzkill*
You know, the buzzkill would be a great name for a monster.
posted by running order squabble fest at 12:42 PM on June 11, 2011 [2 favorites]
Oh, Leicester on MF - my home city - could this be a first?
The fellow is not actually anonymous - his name is on the FOI request.
http://www.whatdotheyknow.com/user/robert_ainsley
tbh I think it's a bit irritating as, under the terms of FOI requests, there has to be a reply no matter how idiotic the request. It kind of tarnishes the whole ethos behind FOI requests. At the same time is it quite funny.
posted by ntrifle at 12:44 PM on June 11, 2011
The fellow is not actually anonymous - his name is on the FOI request.
http://www.whatdotheyknow.com/user/robert_ainsley
tbh I think it's a bit irritating as, under the terms of FOI requests, there has to be a reply no matter how idiotic the request. It kind of tarnishes the whole ethos behind FOI requests. At the same time is it quite funny.
posted by ntrifle at 12:44 PM on June 11, 2011
Thankfully Camden's Zombie invasion plan is already firmly in place..... a 15% Zombie Employment quota for swimming pool guards
First they tell me the Oasis Centre is a gay pickup joint, and now I find out I didn't notice the zombies either? Damn my short sight.
posted by mippy at 3:55 PM on June 11, 2011
First they tell me the Oasis Centre is a gay pickup joint, and now I find out I didn't notice the zombies either? Damn my short sight.
posted by mippy at 3:55 PM on June 11, 2011
Hold on, so there's a 15% chance I can pick up a zombie in this place? Is this Camden, London, or Camden County, NJ?
Oh, who am I kidding? I'll do both.
posted by running order squabble fest at 4:23 PM on June 11, 2011
Oh, who am I kidding? I'll do both.
posted by running order squabble fest at 4:23 PM on June 11, 2011
On the gripping hand, what is wrong with people?
Just wanted to let you know I get the reference. If you ever want to make out, I'm only a memail away.
posted by pickinganameismuchharderthanihadanticipated at 4:25 PM on June 11, 2011
Just wanted to let you know I get the reference. If you ever want to make out, I'm only a memail away.
posted by pickinganameismuchharderthanihadanticipated at 4:25 PM on June 11, 2011
Just a week after Leicester's civic leaders admitted they were unprepared for a zombie invasion, a horde of the "undead" has shuffled through the city.
posted by ntrifle at 2:08 AM on June 19, 2011
posted by ntrifle at 2:08 AM on June 19, 2011
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