The Official Gay Card

June 21, 2011 3:12 PM

So, you think you're gay. Prove it.

"A new quiz puts stereotypes to the test and decides whether or not you're worthy of a Gay Card."*

posted by ericb (311 comments total)

My score: 56. "Acceptably gay ... we think you can work it a little harder."
posted by ericb at 3:13 PM on June 21, 2011 [1 favorite]

"Closet-warmer." I think I failed miserably.
posted by gman at 3:15 PM on June 21, 2011

I am wearing a light stripped blazer, a checkered shirt, a deep purple tie, red pants and boat shoes with no socks.


I have Nothing to prove.
posted by The Whelk at 3:15 PM on June 21, 2011 [50 favorites]

Also 56. Always an outlier. I knew I should have gone to Fire Island when I had the chance.
posted by Astro Zombie at 3:15 PM on June 21, 2011 [2 favorites]

8. "Closet-Warmer." I am not gay... I think.
posted by tcv at 3:16 PM on June 21, 2011

Black and brown don't go together?
posted by JayG at 3:16 PM on June 21, 2011 [11 favorites]

"Gay-for-pay." This thingy is broken.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 3:17 PM on June 21, 2011 [4 favorites]

Too many questions about musicals. Not enough questions about fucking.
posted by the young rope-rider at 3:17 PM on June 21, 2011 [73 favorites]

I got a 72, but I don't think I'm gay...
posted by Lutoslawski at 3:18 PM on June 21, 2011

Just to be totally clear, this appears to be aimed at gay men. Or I'm really, really straight and just badly confused.
posted by restless_nomad at 3:18 PM on June 21, 2011 [56 favorites]

20 - Gay in Training. My gay friends may yet get me over to their team (that's how it works, right?).
posted by asnider at 3:19 PM on June 21, 2011

I am female and got 20. Does that make me butch:-)?
posted by mermayd at 3:19 PM on June 21, 2011

Created by Canadian graphic designer Christopher Rouleau.

His blog ... and giving thanks to Dan Savage for mentioning it on Slog yesterday.
posted by ericb at 3:19 PM on June 21, 2011

Been an out dyke for more than 20 years but I am only a gay-in-training. Yeah, right.
posted by rtha at 3:20 PM on June 21, 2011 [8 favorites]

Here's my gay quiz:

Do you enjoy having sex with members of the same sex?

____YES

____NO

If you answered yes, you're teh gay.

If you answered no, you're not teh gay.

If you answered both, that's fine, especially if you're in college, but you're probably going to get yelled at by the internet.
posted by (Arsenio) Hall and (Warren) Oates at 3:21 PM on June 21, 2011 [140 favorites]

I would have scored at lot higher if they asked me about art restoration, men's fashion trivia, bathhouse rules, comic books, or fucking.
posted by The Whelk at 3:22 PM on June 21, 2011 [13 favorites]

I also wanted to take a moment to address some of the questions and concerns that are coming through the blog comments on various sites.

1) "There are sooo many spelling errors."

Yes. Designer-fail. "Mykonos" and "Provincetown" have been fixed. Thanks for bringing them to my attention. Nobody's perfect. :)

2) "The questions are sooo stereotypical."

Yes, yes they are. That was the whole idea.

3) "This is only for gay men."

Correct. This version should be considered the beta version for bigger and gayer Gay Cards to come. With more time (and some sponsorship) I'll gladly develop a lesbian version, as well as variations of the Gay Card for more specific types of gays (club queens, bears, fashionistas, etc.) Stay tuned for Gay Card 2.0... coming Pride 2012!

4) "There are no questions about sex."

That's right. I wanted to keep this version PG-13 (read: my Mom also reads this blog).

5) "This is stupid and lame."

Thanks for sharing. Haters gonna hate.*

posted by ericb at 3:22 PM on June 21, 2011

16. I'm wearing black and brown right now.
posted by The Tensor at 3:23 PM on June 21, 2011 [3 favorites]

i got a 24

do people REALLY call people who aren't girls "girlfriend"?
posted by pyramid termite at 3:23 PM on June 21, 2011

0. So yep, they got that right.
posted by naju at 3:24 PM on June 21, 2011

28, Gay-in-Training, evidently.

And I only scored that high because I recall the NPR interview of Stephen Colbert when he talked about singing in that Sondheim musical.
posted by darkstar at 3:24 PM on June 21, 2011 [2 favorites]

Grasping the long, hard pencil firmly, the young student bent over the desk and ran his hand over the soft, white paper. Its touch was warm and sure. Sighing with pleasure, the eager student abandoned himself to the test, thrusting his mind deep into supple intellectual tapestry.

So yeah, I got a 10, "Closet Warmer...But We Love You Anyway"
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 3:25 PM on June 21, 2011 [2 favorites]

Actually the person whom this test best describes is my friend S, the theatre actor and singer with the encyclopedic knowledge of stage musicals and bubbly personality.

And he's a ladies man. He's got a Rep. Women have physically fought over him.


So, yeah.
posted by The Whelk at 3:26 PM on June 21, 2011 [1 favorite]

Art restoration -- 80% GAY.

Men's fashion trivia -- 75% GAY.

Bathhouse rules -- 100% GAY.

Comic books -- 13.75% GAY.

Fucking [men] -- 100% GAY.
________________________

Result -- 73.75% GAY
________________________

Next?
posted by ericb at 3:26 PM on June 21, 2011 [3 favorites]

And anybody that thinks black and tan don't go together have never encountered my friends Mr. Harp and Mr. Guinness.

Nor have they ever seen me in my funkay leopard-print Speedos.*



*Note: I do not actually own a pair of funkay leopard print Speedos.
posted by darkstar at 3:26 PM on June 21, 2011 [1 favorite]

(Arsenio) Hall and (Warren) Oates: "Here's my gay quiz:

Do you enjoy having sex with members of the same sex?

____YES

____NO

If you answered yes, you're teh gay.

If you answered no, you're not teh gay.

If you answered both, that's fine, especially if you're in college, but you're probably going to get yelled at by the internet."

The official one has me as "Gay in training".

Yours has me as gay.

Both are wrong. I just like sex with people. Is that so wrong? /Harvey Fierstein
posted by Splunge at 3:27 PM on June 21, 2011 [2 favorites]

Ericb, I want that printed out like a credit card receipt.
posted by The Whelk at 3:27 PM on June 21, 2011 [3 favorites]

LOL GAY MALE PATRIARCHY. No, seriously. Way too many stereotypes. All the gay guys I personally know aren't into musicals, diva pop or drinks w/ umbrellas in them at all.

All of these stereotypes are fading and for good reason. You don't have to use these things as shibboleths and code words to be gay anymore. You don't have to be a friend of Dorothy, wear loafers without socks or have great fashion sense or any of that. Sure, some people naturally are like this, but obviously not everyone is.

On preview: Ok, the author has issued his mea culpa. I don't hate it, but once again as an amorphous polygender post-queer weirdo I don't fit into those boxes and it should obviously be all about me.
posted by loquacious at 3:27 PM on June 21, 2011 [11 favorites]

So, I saw a bunch of numbers on a rainbow background, with the number 1 highlighted, along with the options "Yes" and "No." There was nothing else on the screen. Because I like the number 1, I answered "yes." Apparently this makes me half gay.

That was a very strange quiz.
posted by koeselitz at 3:28 PM on June 21, 2011

11 years into a same-sex relationship and stil only 37%?
posted by ao4047 at 3:29 PM on June 21, 2011 [2 favorites]

Reminds me of the same shit that appeared on the website StraightActing's quiz (not linked to because they are asshats).

Seriously gays, there are a whole lot of us. Purity tests are for Republican primaries.
posted by munchingzombie at 3:29 PM on June 21, 2011 [2 favorites]

I just like sex with people. Is that so wrong? /Harvey Fierstein

Why don't you ask that quiet, yet kinda cute goat standing by the wall?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 3:30 PM on June 21, 2011 [3 favorites]

48 gay-in-training

not bad for a 75%het chick I think...
posted by supermedusa at 3:30 PM on June 21, 2011

I AM ROLLING ALL OF MY EYES. ALL OF THEM.
posted by The Devil Tesla at 3:30 PM on June 21, 2011 [5 favorites]

(Arsenio) Hall and (Warren) Oates: "Here's my gay quiz:

Do you enjoy having sex with members of the same sex?

____YES

____NO

If you answered yes, you're teh gay.

If you answered no, you're not teh gay.

If you answered both, that's fine, especially if you're in college, but you're probably going to get yelled at by the internet."

The official one has me as "Gay in training".

Yours has me as gay.

Both are wrong. I just like sex with people. Is that so wrong? /Harvey Fierstein

Brandon Blatcher: "I just like sex with people. Is that so wrong? /Harvey Fierstein

Why don't you ask that quiet, yet kinda cute goat standing by the wall?"

That's... really there... oh my ghod.
posted by Splunge at 3:31 PM on June 21, 2011

Cerulean is my favorite color AND my favorite word!
posted by palidor at 3:32 PM on June 21, 2011

I scored a lowly 28. No wonder I can't get laid. That and I prize carbs over abs any day.
posted by helmutdog at 3:33 PM on June 21, 2011 [2 favorites]

24.

Of course, there are countless others who can vouch for my gayness more than any old card, so my black and brown wearing self should not be cried for.

And now that I've compared my sex life to the sign above a McDonalds in order to prove my alleged worth, I guess I win.

I guess.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 3:33 PM on June 21, 2011

Also I only learned about the handkerchief code a couple weeks ago via Wikipedia, though I find the extended list to be quite absurd and doubt its use.
posted by palidor at 3:33 PM on June 21, 2011

So does this gay card get you discounts at the hair salon or what?

P.S. I'm in training
posted by desjardins at 3:34 PM on June 21, 2011

Finally I answered yes to understanding the importance of lighting, but I was totally thinking about pixel shaders.
posted by palidor at 3:34 PM on June 21, 2011 [2 favorites]

I have the perfect gay test. I have a guy meet my friend F. He is gay catnip, which is odd cause he's not gay and not say, model quality ( he kinda looks like me, actually, to no end to my annoyance), but for some reason, every gaymo falls for him hard on first sight. Women can take or leave him, but he's a reliable gayness canary.
posted by The Whelk at 3:35 PM on June 21, 2011 [17 favorites]

*strut*
*shake*
Got all the gay card I need right here, thanks.

do people REALLY call people who aren't girls "girlfriend"?

Oh shit I actually do this. Like after a drink or two. Help I am apparently trapped in a constructed identity. Who knew. Call Lassie.
posted by emmtee at 3:35 PM on June 21, 2011 [5 favorites]

I am way WAY too dykey for your gay test, girlfriend.
posted by rmd1023 at 3:36 PM on June 21, 2011 [10 favorites]

I thought I would like this but I found it annoying.
posted by ClaudiaCenter at 3:37 PM on June 21, 2011 [1 favorite]

I have a multitude of colored bandana/handkerchiefs. Some I let hang out of the pocket. Others, well, not.
posted by Splunge at 3:37 PM on June 21, 2011

28: Gay-in-training.

But I'm willing to learn!

Uh... let me check that with the wife first.
posted by jscalzi at 3:38 PM on June 21, 2011 [4 favorites]

Art restoration -- 80% GAY.

Men's fashion trivia -- 75% GAY.

Bathhouse rules -- 100% GAY.

Comic books -- 13.75% GAY.

Fucking [men] -- 100% GAY.

ericb -- PRICELESS.

For everyone else, there's MasterCard
posted by scrump at 3:38 PM on June 21, 2011 [1 favorite]

I got a 4, which I suspect means that I got one answer "gay". However, I'm pretty sure I know which one it is, and I'm pretty sure that I didn't really get it "gay".

It was "You know that bears and pigs are not necessarily wildlife". As I was clicking "Yes" -- because, get this, I know that bears and pigs are not necessarily wildlife -- I was thinking "... but no, I don't know what this question is actually referring to, which is obviously not whether or not I know that bears are sometimes and pigs are almost always domesticated".

I'm guessing maybe a "bear" in this context is a big hairy guy? "Pig" maybe a fat guy or an ugly guy? Or a fat ugly guy?
posted by Flunkie at 3:38 PM on June 21, 2011 [1 favorite]

I have a room in warm tones, including black and brown. They DO SO go together!

I know what a bear is, but not a pig (in terms unanimal). I know there IS a bandana code, but not the colors. I'm a woman, and I got a 44%. I'd have gotten higher with Andrew Lloyd Webber than Sondheim musicals.

I don't think that makes me straight or gay, just reasonably informed in general.
posted by misha at 3:39 PM on June 21, 2011

"gayness canary"

Heh.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 3:39 PM on June 21, 2011

I'm not gay, but I like gay things.
posted by cjorgensen at 3:39 PM on June 21, 2011 [2 favorites]

Blue hankie on the left...


No one under 45 uses the hankie code, right? Not that we have have grindr and advanced pharmacology.
posted by The Whelk at 3:39 PM on June 21, 2011 [2 favorites]

The Whelk: "I have the perfect gay test. I have a guy meet my friend F. He is gay catnip, which is odd cause he's not gay and not say, model quality ( he kinda looks like me, actually, to no end to my annoyance), but for some reason, every gaymo falls for him hard on first sight. Women can take or leave him, but he's a reliable gayness canary."

He dies in clubs?
posted by Splunge at 3:39 PM on June 21, 2011 [11 favorites]

The only reason I could name a Sondheim musical was because of Colbert's interview on NPR about Company.

I mean, I suppose I could have wiki'd it, but. We're trying to be honest when taking these quizzes here, right? It's not like it's a Cosmo quiz...
posted by qcubed at 3:40 PM on June 21, 2011 [1 favorite]

So apparently this just doesn't work in Chrome, because everybody else seems to be seeing wildly hilarious questions.
posted by koeselitz at 3:41 PM on June 21, 2011

4) "There are no questions about sex."

That's right. I wanted to keep this version PG-13 (read: my Mom also reads this blog).

Sooooo, his mother knows that he's gay, but is unaware that being gay might have something to do with fucking dudes?
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 3:41 PM on June 21, 2011 [6 favorites]

I got a 64, but I schtup the ladies.
posted by wierdo at 3:41 PM on June 21, 2011

52, which I guess qualifies me for an associate membership.
posted by notquitemaryann at 3:41 PM on June 21, 2011

Flunkie, bear yes, the general idea is a big hairy dude. pig is more like a slut or into very ...extreme sex acts.
posted by The Whelk at 3:41 PM on June 21, 2011 [1 favorite]

Well, one particular lady.
posted by wierdo at 3:42 PM on June 21, 2011

I guess "gay" doesn't mean what I thought it meant.
posted by chairface at 3:42 PM on June 21, 2011

There is no Takei question. This quiz is fake!
posted by chavenet at 3:42 PM on June 21, 2011 [7 favorites]

Why don't you ask that quiet, yet kinda cute goat standing by the wall?

what
posted by Sys Rq at 3:44 PM on June 21, 2011

Flunkie: Oh yes, bears are big hairy gay men, generally those who like other big hairy gay men. Grizzly Adams type gay guys. Skinnier hairy gay men are sometimes called "otters". I think the euro 'bear' music group BearForce One are actually more otter-looking than bearish.
posted by rmd1023 at 3:44 PM on June 21, 2011

what

Don't be shy, he's horny.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 3:45 PM on June 21, 2011 [1 favorite]

What about "kinda cute, kinda hot, kinda sexy, hysterically funny, but not funny-looking goat who you could fuck" did you not understand?
posted by The Whelk at 3:46 PM on June 21, 2011 [1 favorite]

LOL GAY MALE PATRIARCHY

As opposed to that Gay Male Matriarchy?
posted by Mister Fabulous at 3:47 PM on June 21, 2011

I predict amazing things about this thread. Truly amazing. Things.
posted by Splunge at 3:47 PM on June 21, 2011

That would be Auntie Mame.
posted by The Whelk at 3:47 PM on June 21, 2011 [1 favorite]

64, but I'm female and went to college where musical theater was big.
posted by giraffe at 3:49 PM on June 21, 2011

Black and tan are fine together. Black and brown are not. Black and navy blue are also a no. No, you cannot wear those socks with those shoes, nor those shoes with that belt. What do you mean those are your only nice shoes?

This message has been sponsored by your female friends.
posted by maryr at 3:52 PM on June 21, 2011 [5 favorites]

The Whelk: What about "kinda cute, kinda hot, kinda sexy, hysterically funny, but not funny-looking goat who you could fuck" did you not understand?

Edward Albee, please call your office.
posted by rmd1023 at 3:52 PM on June 21, 2011

You better be stuck in a well, emmtee, because I was on my way to happy hour.
posted by lassie at 3:52 PM on June 21, 2011 [11 favorites]

Ericb, I want that printed out like a credit card receipt.

No problem. Am happy to do so. Please provide me with your First Name, Surname, Postal Address, Credit Card Number, Card Expiration Date, Card Security Code and Mother's Maiden Name. My e-mail is in my profile.

You should expect a paper receipt and a gold-embossed plaque in 4 to 6 weeks.

If you have any questions, please my associate, Prince Abakaliki of Nigeria ([e-mail] | 419.782.5377)
posted by ericb at 3:53 PM on June 21, 2011

(Arsenio) Hall and (Warren) Oates: "Here's my gay quiz:

Do you enjoy having sex with members of the same sex?

____YES

____NO

If you answered yes, you're teh gay.

If you answered no, you're not teh gay."

Also. If you answer "NO" and then demand that it's a sin and we need to make laws prohibiting marriage between same-sex people, you might also be teh gay.
posted by symbioid at 3:53 PM on June 21, 2011 [3 favorites]

Wow, that wikipedia link is wrong in a lot of ways. Or "the code" has changed a lot since the 1970s. More proof that I'm old and obsolete. In so many ways.
posted by Splunge at 3:53 PM on June 21, 2011

This message has been sponsored by your female friends' magazines that fool them into buying more clothes than they need.
posted by Sys Rq at 3:53 PM on June 21, 2011

If we're going on stereotypes, shouldn't I, as a female, be filling out the Stereotypical Butch Quiz or something? Because it's pretty easy for me to pass as gay on this one.

I liked "you like sports but can't name a player or a team." Hee. Yeah. Done that.
posted by jenfullmoon at 3:55 PM on June 21, 2011

No, just a pair of nice shoes in brown and in black.
posted by maryr at 3:55 PM on June 21, 2011

Also I only learned about the handkerchief code a couple weeks ago via Wikipedia, though I find the extended list to be quite absurd and doubt its use.

The basic hankie code (dark blue, light blue, red, white, probably some other basic colors) is very much still in use, although more as a fashion item than as a cruising tool anymore. The rest of it is kind of silly and was never actually (in my experience) used with any real intent to communicate anything.

(I can vouch for the hankie code being useful and working. Back "in the day" it was extremely effective at helping determine who was cruising and what they were looking for, even in my hometown with no gay bar and a zillion miles from anywhere.)

I'm guessing maybe a "bear" in this context is a big hairy guy? "Pig" maybe a fat guy or an ugly guy? Or a fat ugly guy?

Bears are men to value secondary male sex characteristics. Body hair and beards primarily. They also are men who tend to be a bit more blue collar and football-n-beer than your stereotypical gay man. There's a lot of overlap with "chubby", which are the large men, and a lot of people think of "bear" as being exclusively of the bigger body type although that's really not how it all started out.

Pigs are men who like to get down and dirty with their sex. They're into body smells and body secretions and generally will wallow in sexual situations given the chance. There's a lot of crossover between the handball and the pig community, for obvious reasons.
posted by hippybear at 3:56 PM on June 21, 2011 [1 favorite]

The trick is to buy shoes that are both brown and black at the same time. I mean, duh, girlfriend.
posted by Sys Rq at 3:57 PM on June 21, 2011

*please call my associate* (who is not drinking a Dark-and-Stormy right now).
posted by ericb at 3:57 PM on June 21, 2011

Okay I don't know what handball is.


And I'm not sure I want to.
posted by The Whelk at 3:57 PM on June 21, 2011 [2 favorites]

The Whelk: anal fist fucking
posted by hippybear at 3:58 PM on June 21, 2011 [1 favorite]

I predict amazing things about this thread. Truly amazing. Things.

Pigs are men who like to get down and dirty with their sex. They're into body smells and body secretions and generally will wallow in sexual situations given the chance.

Yes. Oh, yes!
posted by ericb at 3:58 PM on June 21, 2011

"Gay in training"... I think I only got that because of my familiarity with Golden Girls.
posted by brundlefly at 3:59 PM on June 21, 2011

I am wearing a light stripped blazer, a checkered shirt, a deep purple tie, red pants and boat shoes with no socks.


I have Nothing to prove.

Pssst: the thread you want is over here.
posted by sebastienbailard at 3:59 PM on June 21, 2011

I SAID I DIDN'T WANT TO KNOW
posted by The Whelk at 3:59 PM on June 21, 2011 [5 favorites]

You said you weren't sure. Now you are.
posted by maryr at 4:00 PM on June 21, 2011 [9 favorites]

Girlfriend, I'm so gay that I make that damn card STRAIGHT.

OH SNAP.
posted by clvrmnky at 4:00 PM on June 21, 2011

No, you said you weren't sure you wanted to know.

Now you know for sure, and know for sure you didn't want to know.

It's a conundrum.
posted by hippybear at 4:01 PM on June 21, 2011 [1 favorite]

I got a 24.

I hate stereotypical shit like this.

(my username notwithstanding)
posted by Tin Man at 4:02 PM on June 21, 2011 [1 favorite]

hippy, don't most people just call that fisting?

Whelk, post pictures of this queer budgie friend of yours.

Also, this whole thing could have been fixed by having one last question that said "do you have gay sex y/n?" and maybe ok another last question that said "would you like to have gay sex with me?" or something.

I dunno.

As is, super boring. I can't even bring myself to finish it.
posted by kavasa at 4:02 PM on June 21, 2011

Whichis funny cause the lion the a total bear.
posted by The Whelk at 4:02 PM on June 21, 2011

Sys Rq - Valid point. Mixed metal accessories serve a similar purpose. Pearls dress up almost anything.
posted by maryr at 4:02 PM on June 21, 2011

Also, it matches a Doberman or Rottweiler quite nicely.
posted by Sys Rq at 4:04 PM on June 21, 2011

The internet doesn't flame people.
People flame people.
posted by MidSouthern Mouth at 4:04 PM on June 21, 2011

Whelk, post pictures of this queer budgie friend of yours.

He's on Metafilter with that one photo ( I asked he's cool with this) but he lurks.


Oh wait I totally have a picture of him making out on stage with a dude, one sec.
posted by The Whelk at 4:05 PM on June 21, 2011

maryr: "Sys Rq - Valid point. Mixed metal accessories serve a similar purpose. Pearls dress up almost anything."

Goats too? Answer quickly.
posted by Splunge at 4:05 PM on June 21, 2011 [1 favorite]

Goats rarely dress up.
posted by maryr at 4:06 PM on June 21, 2011

Pearls dress up almost anything.

Pigs find pearl necklaces are a lovely accessory for a night out on the town.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 4:06 PM on June 21, 2011 [2 favorites]

And pigs are hardly formal at all!
posted by maryr at 4:07 PM on June 21, 2011

BTW, Whelk, your canary friend? I'd take him if it weren't for the fag.
posted by maryr at 4:08 PM on June 21, 2011

BP, that mental picture will never leave my poor brain. Thanks.
posted by Splunge at 4:08 PM on June 21, 2011

Woohoo, I'm Acceptably Gay!
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 4:10 PM on June 21, 2011 [1 favorite]

Maryr, US to UK slang makes that double funny.
posted by The Whelk at 4:10 PM on June 21, 2011 [1 favorite]

76: Acceptably gay.
The card is yours, but we think you can work it a little harder.

Finally! My family will be so relieved.
posted by DarlingBri at 4:11 PM on June 21, 2011

I'm half gay, but it didn't tell me which half.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 4:12 PM on June 21, 2011 [1 favorite]

ABILITY MAN
posted by infinitewindow at 4:14 PM on June 21, 2011 [1 favorite]

"So You Think You're Gay" would make for an interesting game show. That one's on me, Spike TV.
posted by naju at 4:14 PM on June 21, 2011 [1 favorite]

UK slang! Of course. I was absolutely confused by mary's quip.

He seems like a normal dude! Perhaps he has a localized aura that causes men to get all weak-kneed and wobbly but doesn't transfer over the 'net?
posted by kavasa at 4:15 PM on June 21, 2011

Admiral Haddock: "I'm half gay, but it didn't tell me which half."

The other half.
posted by Splunge at 4:15 PM on June 21, 2011

He is literally one of the most charismatic men I have ever met but it is somehow limited to gay males.
posted by The Whelk at 4:16 PM on June 21, 2011

Guys, I got a 32. I need to brush up on my Golden Girls.
posted by catwash at 4:16 PM on June 21, 2011

That Irish accent probably helps a lot.
posted by The Whelk at 4:16 PM on June 21, 2011 [1 favorite]

LOL GAY MALE PATRIARCHY

As opposed to that Gay Male Matriarchy?

I think the proper term is "gaytriarchy."
posted by Metroid Baby at 4:18 PM on June 21, 2011 [1 favorite]

hippy, don't most people just call that fisting?

Sure. Although, without there being any hard-and-fast (oh my!) rules about it, the general usage that I've encountered was that fisting was the activity, and handball was used when talking about the people involved or the 3 and 4 day long parties they might throw.

"Fisting takes place at a handball party" or "The handball crowd is really into fisting".

Obviously there's no formal study that's been made on how these terms are used, but when I was participating in the activity and attending such events, that's generally how the words were used.
posted by hippybear at 4:19 PM on June 21, 2011

I THOUGHT I WAS CLEAR ON MY DESIRE FOR KNOWLEDGE.
posted by The Whelk at 4:20 PM on June 21, 2011 [5 favorites]

It's a conundrum.

I think he wanted it to remain a mystery wrapped in an enigma clenched in a fist stuffed in an anus.
posted by elizardbits at 4:21 PM on June 21, 2011 [22 favorites]

The Whelk: "I have the perfect gay test. I have a guy meet my friend F. He is gay catnip, which is odd cause he's not gay and not say, model quality ( he kinda looks like me, actually, to no end to my annoyance), but for some reason, every gaymo falls for him hard on first sight. Women can take or leave him, but he's a reliable gayness canary."

Can we make "canary" a new slang-word for this, because I have several friends who meet this description to a T (to both my annoyance and theirs, because they get hit on by A-list dudes, and women couldn't care less).
posted by schmod at 4:22 PM on June 21, 2011 [1 favorite]

I WAS TALKING TO KAVASA.
posted by hippybear at 4:22 PM on June 21, 2011

Admiral Haddock: "I'm half gay, but it didn't tell me which half."

Well, if you're split down the middle, you're either a bottom or a top, which is gay enough for most.
posted by schmod at 4:23 PM on June 21, 2011

I am, in many ways, a hilariously mid-western prude, because I read that and was all "oh my!"

Thanks for the usage examples! How does one get stuff into the OED?

whelk - Irish accents do explain a lot.
posted by kavasa at 4:24 PM on June 21, 2011

The Whelk: "I have the perfect gay test. I have a guy meet my friend F. He is gay catnip, which is odd cause he's not gay and not say, model quality ( he kinda looks like me, actually, to no end to my annoyance), but for some reason, every gaymo falls for him hard on first sight. Women can take or leave him, but he's a reliable gayness canary."

I would probably bet he wouldn't push my buttons. Most "gay catnip" comes across to me as far too fussy. He'd have to look like Al from Home Improvement with an excellent sense of humor and good taste in beer and appreciate NIN and baseball for me to consider him catnip.
posted by hippybear at 4:24 PM on June 21, 2011

Hippy bear, here he is dressed as Fred Christ
posted by The Whelk at 4:26 PM on June 21, 2011

(if it helps he will drink you under the table and then build you a table. He's an ex carpenter)
posted by The Whelk at 4:27 PM on June 21, 2011

Is there a straight one? I want to make sure I'm sufficiently straight.
posted by Ad hominem at 4:28 PM on June 21, 2011

He's lacking in that whole beardy thing which turns my head...

But hey, if I'm ever in NYC, I'll be forcing you to meet me, and maybe you'll force me to meet him in the process.
posted by hippybear at 4:29 PM on June 21, 2011

You will know the power of the canary.
posted by The Whelk at 4:30 PM on June 21, 2011

I knew about bears, goats, and hogs. But this is the first I've heard of Turduckens. I assume (clarifying for The Whelk's sake) that this refers to a gayness canary inserted in a mysterious goat wrapped in an enigmatic hog clenched in a bear's fist stuffed in a Golden Girl's anus? Have I got that right? Man - you guys really know how to party!
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 4:32 PM on June 21, 2011 [5 favorites]

Everyone knows the importance of good lighting.
posted by neuromodulator at 4:33 PM on June 21, 2011 [1 favorite]

I scored a coquettish and curious 40 points - mainly due to my zero knowledge of Stephen Sondheim, my intense dislike of any pop star known as a diva, and uh, probably some other stuff. Oh yeah, drinks with umbrellas are usually made badly and can't ever beat a straight shot of good whiskey, neat.

But hey, Gay-in-Training? I consider it a compliment.
posted by Lipstick Thespian at 4:33 PM on June 21, 2011

Party like a zookeeper.
posted by The Whelk at 4:33 PM on June 21, 2011

I'm friends with a zookeeper!

She is a very nice lady. Pretty staid, though.
posted by kavasa at 4:34 PM on June 21, 2011

I knew bears and pigs, but thats becuase I used to know a guy that referred to himself as a sloppy pig bottom, and I knew the handkerchief because I think it was in a John Rechy book but other than that I got 0.

Another club I can't join.
posted by Ad hominem at 4:35 PM on June 21, 2011 [1 favorite]

25. Pretty fly for a straight guy.
posted by Halloween Jack at 4:37 PM on June 21, 2011 [1 favorite]

I like that the first question just assumes I even own an iPod. If I violate that, do I at least earn points towards a neckbeard card?
posted by DU at 4:38 PM on June 21, 2011 [3 favorites]

I didn't even know Straightalicious was a real term.
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 4:39 PM on June 21, 2011

I am acceptably gay. But I don't understand how it can be that there are people who can't distinguish turquoise from cerulean. Even colorblind people can see blues!
posted by winna at 4:42 PM on June 21, 2011

68, acceptably gay. I'm a bisexual female, though, so I was mostly getting points for traditionally 'female' knowledge.

My (straight) husband is a total canary though.
posted by Nattie at 4:42 PM on June 21, 2011

I didn't even know Straightalicious was a real term.

Are you kidding? It's a Ben & Jerry's flavor!
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 4:43 PM on June 21, 2011

Score: 24. Gay-in-training.

I'm a straight dude and don't want to have sex with guys (at least I don't think so!), but my "yes" answers are straight up (pardon the pun) metrosexual standards; three haircare products? Well, shampoo and conditioner and wax and maybe something else floating around the bathroom, sure. That's a long way from sucking dick.
posted by zardoz at 4:43 PM on June 21, 2011

When I left this thread there were shy goats. Now there's anal fisting.

C3P0 is not happy about this.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 4:43 PM on June 21, 2011

Well, I did score a 28 and am undoubtedly gay, but I barely made it through that quiz by the delicate skin of my supple bottom.

I would have scored much lower if I didn't have Madonna's "Like a Prayer" and Cher's "Gysies, Tramps and Thieves" on my iPod, listen to NPR occasionally and have a mom that used to make turquoise jewelry and a stepdad that used to paint using cerulean blue paint.

To boost my game, I evidently need to download a lot of Gaga, watch a few Golden Girls shows and give a crap about pro sports but not be able to name any teams (just the opposite of where I am now - Steve Nash is a cutie, but not enough of one to make me sit through a basketball game).
posted by darkstar at 4:43 PM on June 21, 2011

48. Gay-in-training or straight girl in San Francisco? You decide!
posted by grapesaresour at 4:44 PM on June 21, 2011

Does it count as gay cred if I know that the difference between turquoise and cerulean is that one is a gemstone and the other is the city where Misty's water-type gym is?
posted by darksasami at 4:45 PM on June 21, 2011 [1 favorite]

(Er...Steve Nash, happily surrounded by balls.)
posted by darkstar at 4:47 PM on June 21, 2011

I think this would be funnier if it were a "So, Are You Sure You're Straight?"

And there must be a question like this: You are a conservative politician in the US who opposes Proposition 8.

Yes
No
posted by misha at 4:47 PM on June 21, 2011 [2 favorites]

MetaFilter: a mystery wrapped in an enigma clenched in a fist stuffed in an anus.
posted by Pruitt-Igoe at 4:48 PM on June 21, 2011 [4 favorites]

56. Lighting is everything, girlfriends.
posted by clavdivs at 4:52 PM on June 21, 2011

68, acceptably gay yet I wear black and brown together all the time. Hrm
posted by mikehipp at 4:53 PM on June 21, 2011

Answered NO to every question, definitely gay. Hate this kinda stereotypical bullshit even more so when we foist it upon ourselves.
posted by Long Way To Go at 4:54 PM on June 21, 2011 [1 favorite]

16 - closet warmer
strange. I used to think I fit more gay stereotypes, despite not being gay
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 4:56 PM on June 21, 2011

12. Gimme chicks. Yup, sounds about right.
posted by dbiedny at 4:58 PM on June 21, 2011

Hate this kinda stereotypical bullshit even more so when we foist it upon ourselves.

Amen, girlfriend!

(No really, I hate this kind of thing. That's why I brought up the anal fisting. I figured that would butch up the conversation a bit. Because believe me -- there's nothing quite so butch as being able to take an arm up your ass to the elbow.)
posted by hippybear at 4:58 PM on June 21, 2011 [1 favorite]

I have the perfect gay test. I have a guy meet my friend F. He is gay catnip, which is odd cause he's not gay and not say, model quality ( he kinda looks like me, actually, to no end to my annoyance), but for some reason, every gaymo falls for him hard on first sight. Women can take or leave him, but he's a reliable gayness canary.

TV Tropes calls that a Closet Key
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 4:59 PM on June 21, 2011

You're so gay!
posted by heyho at 5:01 PM on June 21, 2011

Since so many of MeFi's gay population is here, I'll tell my story and ask where I really fall on the gay spectrum. Thanks to internet psudeo-anonymity, I can share here what I've so far only told my wife (before we were married):

I'm a middle-aged guy.

I've always been attracted to and had sexual fantasies about guys and girls, with slight preference for the latter. I've never had sex with a guy. I passed up my only real opportunity shortly after high school because my upbringing told me it was wrong. I've learned better since then.

I got married to a great woman and have been happily married for 18 years. I've never cheated and don't plan to.

I am not part of and know little about gay culture.

Being married, but not dead, I see and discreetly admire cute guys and girls all the time.

My score: 16: Closet warmer
posted by double block and bleed at 5:02 PM on June 21, 2011 [2 favorites]

You'd think after all the XML and XSLT I've written, I'd remember how to close a tag!
posted by double block and bleed at 5:03 PM on June 21, 2011

Only ONE Sondheim musical? I have dozens, cousin.
posted by ColdChef at 5:04 PM on June 21, 2011 [1 favorite]

24 here too. I find it amusing that most of these quiz stereotypes that qualify you for the Gay Card are straight out of 1987 with the possible exception of Gaga, but since she's gone all Clarence Clemons/Brian May retro on her latest album maybe not so much of an exception after all.
posted by blucevalo at 5:05 PM on June 21, 2011

Also: I got a 60. But those of you who know me know that I deserve much, much higher.
posted by ColdChef at 5:06 PM on June 21, 2011

16. I'm wearing black and brown right now.
posted by The Tensor

Flagged for being OBSCENE and inappropriate.









:-P
posted by 1000monkeys at 5:07 PM on June 21, 2011

Hate this kinda stereotypical bullshit even more so when we foist it upon ourselves.

The assumption (even jokingly) that all gay men are feminine or conform to specific cultural markers is daft, yeah, but all too often that seems to lead into the opposite assumption that feminine identities are learned or affected or somehow less real than masculine ones.

Fisting butch? What do you think fairies do, alternate dainty licks of cupcake and magic sparkle wand?

I mean, not that I'm knocking that for a rainy afternoon
posted by emmtee at 5:08 PM on June 21, 2011 [2 favorites]

I'm acceptably gay (56) but not as gay as my wife!
posted by Stynxno at 5:09 PM on June 21, 2011

This isn't about "are you gay" so much as "do you like Stuff Gay People Like". (I'm using "Gay People" in the sense that Stuff White People Like uses "White People".) To be gay, you have to be attracted to people of the same sex as you. Or maybe the same gender. But for most people those agree, I guess.
posted by madcaptenor at 5:10 PM on June 21, 2011

Halp!

You can never own too many shoes.

Do I answer "yes" as in "I agree with this sentiment" or "yes" as in "yes, it is possible to have too many shoes"

I want to be accurate, but I'm not sure what to put! THIS SHIT IS SERIOUS.
posted by EatTheWeak at 5:10 PM on June 21, 2011 [7 favorites]

I am enjoying how disappointed people are seeming to be at relatively low numbers. Sure, it's a bunch of (nasty) stereotypes, but it's nice that people are disappointed at not being more gay. Every so often, I get this little sparkle in my heart and feel like we're making progress.
posted by stoneweaver at 5:12 PM on June 21, 2011 [3 favorites]

Also I think I got 70-something, but I was only half paying attention because two young men were knocking at the door at 1am.

Okay yes fine they were here to make sure carbon monoxide is not killing us and it turns out we need a new alarm

Do I answer "yes" as in "I agree with this sentiment" or "yes" as in "yes, it is possible to have too many shoes"

I tripped up on that one too! And also I mean, men's shoes, yeah okay. You've gotta have a variety, but in the end they all start to look a bit... boring? But heels? OMGWTFBBQ. Surely I deserve extra points for a wardrobe full of size 10s.
posted by emmtee at 5:15 PM on June 21, 2011

I thought there was already a fool proof [male] gay test. You walk up to the guy in question and say, "You wouldn't be able to do these awful things to me if I weren't still in this chair."
posted by stavrogin at 5:19 PM on June 21, 2011 [3 favorites]

MetaFilter: there's nothing quite so butch as being able to take an arm up your ass to the elbow.
posted by Splunge at 5:19 PM on June 21, 2011

Unsure of how to proceed on the shoe question, I took the quiz twice and tried both responses (SCIENCE) and it would seem that saying "yes" is the more high scoring response. It did not, however, change my rank: Gay in Training. Had no idea about the black and brown thing, so perhaps I do indeed have a lot to learn.
posted by EatTheWeak at 5:19 PM on June 21, 2011

Too soon?
posted by Splunge at 5:20 PM on June 21, 2011

BUT YOU ARE, BLANCHE!
posted by elizardbits at 5:20 PM on June 21, 2011 [2 favorites]

Dammit, I had to google that quote!
posted by darkstar at 5:25 PM on June 21, 2011

A better gay quiz (that still omits key question about sexual preference):

1. Have you ever snickered at the occasional joke in "Will and Grace" even while harboring deeper misgivings about the often insulting stereotypical nature of the show?

2. Did you ever subscribe to (or peruse more than once) the "International Male" catalogue?

3. Bo and Luke Duke. Do you know where I'm going with this?

4. Ever attended a Pride Event, Circuit Party or a showing of Les Miz?

5. Have you noticed how Superman's red undies get smaller and smaller in every generation?

6. Is not Leslie Jordan one of creation's little treasures?

7. Have you ever bantered with your dinner date over who gets to pick up the check, realizing that the argument is a veiled proxy for a discussion about who's going to be on top later that night?

8. Do you own any real cashmere (clothing or goats)?

9. Are you committed to Sparkle Motion?

10. The first thing you think about when you hear the name "Stonewall" is not the Confederate General in the American Civil War - True or False?
posted by darkstar at 5:27 PM on June 21, 2011 [4 favorites]

yes, imagine my surprise at discovering that I am apparently a gay man now.
posted by elizardbits at 5:27 PM on June 21, 2011

Yes, you can never own too many shoes.

No, you can not never own too many shoes = You can sometimes own too many shoes.

But TWO pairs is not too many. BROWN AND BLACK.
posted by maryr at 5:27 PM on June 21, 2011

According to the results, I'm 'Gay in Training."

Don't get any ideas.
posted by jonmc at 5:30 PM on June 21, 2011

Pigs and goats alike care nothing for the opera.
posted by Nomyte at 5:31 PM on June 21, 2011

hippybear: “The Whelk: anal fist fucking”

Somehow I read this as a tagline, and I still prefer it that way.

The Whelk: I still prefer it that way
posted by koeselitz at 5:36 PM on June 21, 2011

RE: Superman's undies, I herewith present my evidence:

1. Superman in the 1950s.

2. Superman in the 1970s.

3. Superman in the 1990s.

4. Superman in the 2000s.
posted by darkstar at 5:39 PM on June 21, 2011

Well, shampoo and conditioner and wax and maybe something else floating around the bathroom, sure. That's a long way from sucking dick.

Just using conditioner makes you a religious conservative. A third product takes pictures of you and your "baggage handler" on the way to the Bahamas.
posted by DU at 5:40 PM on June 21, 2011 [1 favorite]

A third product

What id it's Royal Crown of Brylcreem? That'd be straighter than Bill Clinton after 3 Schlitzesd and a bucket of wings.
posted by jonmc at 5:42 PM on June 21, 2011

So, you think you're gay.

This show is going to be awwww-suum!!!
posted by hal_c_on at 5:50 PM on June 21, 2011 [1 favorite]

Yawn. Lazy humor is lazy. What else you got?
posted by Rudy Gerner at 5:51 PM on June 21, 2011

there's nothing quite so butch as being able to take an arm up your ass to the elbow


.

is this why you like the muppets so much
posted by The Whelk at 6:00 PM on June 21, 2011 [23 favorites]

Flunkie writes "It was 'You know that bears and pigs are not necessarily wildlife'. As I was clicking 'Yes' -- because, get this, I know that bears and pigs are not necessarily wildlife -- I was thinking '... but no, I don't know what this question is actually referring to, which is obviously not whether or not I know that bears are sometimes and pigs are almost always domesticated'."

Me too. Got a 4 but only because I cheated on this question as I know non wildlife definitions of pig and bear but I was pretty sure they weren't referring to cops.

winna writes "I am acceptably gay. But I don't understand how it can be that there are people who can't distinguish turquoise from cerulean. Even colorblind people can see blues!"

If it's isn't one of the resistor colour code colours it isn't a real colour but merely a fancy way of saying light or dark foo.

darkstar writes "Have you ever bantered with your dinner date over who gets to pick up the check, realizing that the argument is a veiled proxy for a discussion about who's going to be on top later that night?"

Wait! Gay people do this too?

maryr writes "But TWO pairs is not too many. BROWN AND BLACK."

I've got five pairs of footwear but four are special purpose (work boots, cold snow boots, warm snow boots, sandals) so my only shoe choice is black. I am thinking of getting a second pair of work boots though s maybe I'll buy black this time to go with my current brown.
posted by Mitheral at 6:00 PM on June 21, 2011

Is this now a footwear competition? I have 3 sneakers (Red black and, blue), 2 boat shoes (brown and blue) one dlip on (green) one pair of brown dress, one black dress and one pair of hiking boots for whe I am hiking or when I want to feel really tall.

I also have a pair of shitkickers work boots with a steel toe but I don't wear them so much with metal detectors being so popular nowadays.
posted by The Whelk at 6:04 PM on June 21, 2011

I scored a big, fat zero. I'm about as non-metrosexual as anyone on the planet, but I figured I'd be able to say "yes" to at least one question, since I'm a modern kind of guy with plenty of gay friends. Nope, no love here for me.

three haircare products? Well, shampoo and conditioner and wax and maybe something else floating around the bathroom, sure. That's a long way from sucking dick.

That's what these super homophobic jocks in high school used to say, and guess what they got caught doing in the showers...
posted by Forktine at 6:04 PM on June 21, 2011 [1 favorite]

er, slip on, the lace-lass converse type. I was in California and I hate socks.


I HATE SOCKS SO MUCH.
posted by The Whelk at 6:05 PM on June 21, 2011 [1 favorite]

Damn, I thought I was a little more gay than THAT!

(Left feeling like a brutish caveman...BOOO!!!!1!)
posted by snsranch at 6:20 PM on June 21, 2011

That doesn't mean you're gay. It means you're a house elf.
posted by ursus_comiter at 6:21 PM on June 21, 2011

The socks thing, not the caveman.
posted by ursus_comiter at 6:22 PM on June 21, 2011

I HATE SOCKS SO MUCH.

Depends on where you wear them.
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 6:22 PM on June 21, 2011

Is this now a footwear competition? I have 3 sneakers (Red black and, blue)

I have an extra sneaker lying around. Do you need a left or a right one? The one I have is switchable.
posted by Splunge at 6:26 PM on June 21, 2011

Okay, seriously people - this whole "black and brown don't go together" thing is always framed totally wrong. Most blacks and browns don't go together, and most brown leather things look godawful with black, but a really deep sort of chocolate blue-brown goes with black just fine. And there are lots of traditional print fabrics in African and Asian countries which incorporate black and brown. And I tend to feel that certain para-brown colors go with black - various maroon browns and light caramel browns, etc etc.

And yes, it's a silly quiz...I assume there are gay men somewhere who are gay in this manner, but not the gay guys I know.

(And my cat is black and brown and white, and I personally refuse to believe that she clashes.)

(And Samuel Delany's novels Hogg and The Mad Man will tell you more than you ever, ever wanted to know about varieties of piggishness, variants upon fisting and quite a few other things that were extremely surprising to me as a sheltered provincial teenager. )
posted by Frowner at 6:26 PM on June 21, 2011 [3 favorites]

28: Gay-in-training.

But I'm willing to learn!

Uh... let me check that with the wife first.

Come on over to Massachusetts! You and your wife can both be gay!
posted by benito.strauss at 6:28 PM on June 21, 2011 [2 favorites]

There are so many better ways to prove that you're gay.
posted by roger ackroyd at 6:29 PM on June 21, 2011

There are so many better ways to prove that you're gay.

The Whelk's Patented Gay Test For People Under 34 For Whom It Is Possible We Share Common Cultural Touchstones is

"Who killed Yvette?"
posted by The Whelk at 6:33 PM on June 21, 2011 [2 favorites]

Oof, Samuel Delaney's novel Hogg will tell you more than you ever. Full stop.

Black and brown do so go together *HUFF* and black and navy can look amazing. It all just depends on the shade.

Unless they are specifically referring to brown shoes.

Anyone who has ever had a box of crayons knows the difference between turquoise and cerulean (the most coveted of the blues! Worn to a nubbin.)
posted by louche mustachio at 6:41 PM on June 21, 2011

I'm a gay man. Which explains a lot actually, now that I think about it. (OK, I'm only above-middling. 76.)
posted by atomicstone at 6:41 PM on June 21, 2011

(And Samuel Delany's novels Hogg and The Mad Man will tell you more than you ever, ever wanted to know about varieties of piggishness, variants upon fisting and quite a few other things that were extremely surprising to me as a sheltered provincial teenager. )

Dhalgren was the first book that I ever read that made me feel comfortable about my bisexuality at the time (the 1970s).

Delany is a fucking mensch! And a bear. A fucking mensch bear.
posted by Splunge at 6:43 PM on June 21, 2011 [2 favorites]

I got a fifty-something or other. I'm sure mostly because of my love of shoes.

(Whenever it comes up on ask metafilter that a person should have at least 2-pairs, I cast a guilty glance over to my overflowin' shoe rack and try to remember the last time one of my pairs of shoes wore out.)
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 6:58 PM on June 21, 2011

Do you have enough shoes?

Trick Question. How many is enough shoes?

The answer is never. Never enough shoes.
posted by The Whelk at 6:59 PM on June 21, 2011 [1 favorite]

Yeah... Delaney's The Mad Man... was actually kind of world-changing for me in a lot of ways. It's one of those books I'm really glad I read, and am not sure I want to read again, although I just might one of these days just to see.

Stars In My Pockets... is my favoritest book ever.
posted by hippybear at 7:02 PM on June 21, 2011 [2 favorites]

I'm too busy fucking guys to take this test.
posted by PapaLobo at 7:03 PM on June 21, 2011 [2 favorites]

"Who killed Yvette?"

I am stealing this and using this forever and ever and basically you cannot be my friend if you don't know where this comes from.
posted by desjardins at 7:12 PM on June 21, 2011

I got 40%, and my sexual orientation is that I want to be Jack Harkness when I grow up
posted by NoraReed at 7:12 PM on June 21, 2011 [3 favorites]

hippybear: "Yeah... Delaney's The Mad Man... was actually kind of world-changing for me in a lot of ways. It's one of those books I'm really glad I read, and am not sure I want to read again, although I just might one of these days just to see.

Stars In My Pockets... is my favoritest book ever."

When I heard that he wasn't going to continue the series, like he promised, I was incredibly upset. But I couldn't stay mad. I could though, stay sad. Yes, even until today. And I am. So I reread the book until I wear it out and buy a new copy. And start again. "Perfect erotic object".

::sigh::
posted by Splunge at 7:20 PM on June 21, 2011

I got my gay training from the catholic church and quit when I realized I'd never make the big leagues.
posted by pianomover at 7:20 PM on June 21, 2011

FLAMES FLAMES ON THE SIDE OF MY FACE
posted by elizardbits at 7:25 PM on June 21, 2011 [3 favorites]

If you were a Catholic you still have a chance to be the Pope, according to the rules as I understand them. You have testicles. And as long as you don't mind a guy cupping them before the actual "swearing in", well send in a resume. What do you have to lose? And the shoes are gorgeous!
posted by Splunge at 7:26 PM on June 21, 2011 [2 favorites]

BREATHING HEAVING BREATHES
posted by The Whelk at 7:27 PM on June 21, 2011 [1 favorite]

"Who killed Yvette?"

I am stealing this and using this forever and ever and basically you cannot be my friend if you don't know where this comes from.

Um, ah, I know that, but want to make sure we're talking about the same Yvette. So, ah, who do you think killed Yvette?
posted by TheShadowKnows at 7:28 PM on June 21, 2011

Think you are a walking stereotype? Prove it.

Since when did being gay mean being totally predictable and cliche?
posted by Saxon Kane at 7:30 PM on June 21, 2011

SPOILER ALERT





...Mrs. White admits it.
posted by elizardbits at 7:30 PM on June 21, 2011

Heheh...
posted by darkstar at 7:32 PM on June 21, 2011

Clue bonus round: "Who was the killer in the fourth ending?"
posted by roger ackroyd at 7:36 PM on June 21, 2011

When I heard that he wasn't going to continue the series, like he promised, I was incredibly upset. But I couldn't stay mad. I could though, stay sad. Yes, even until today. And I am. So I reread the book until I wear it out and buy a new copy. And start again. "Perfect erotic object".

Honestly, Splunge, at this point, all these years later, the fact that the second book has never been written actually feels like part of the artistic statement.

I've had love affairs which have gone exactly that way. Intense involvement, deep sharing of worlds, intense statements of continuance, and then sudden parting and no further contact.

The suspension of the story actually has become the perfect continuance of the story, in my mind.

It's a strange place to dwell, but I'm actually pretty content with it. I re-read it so often, give away copies like they're easy to find, and keep buying another for myself and reading it again until I find someone else who simply must read it....

Nobody I've ever shared the book with has anything approaching my passion for that book. The style is too obtuse, the language too complex, the concepts too involved, and the sudden suspension too annoying. But for me, it's an incredible exploration of the promise contained in the new, and the deep alienation and commonality of experience across cultures.

*sigh* And yes... Perfect Erotic Object.
posted by hippybear at 7:37 PM on June 21, 2011

I had to look up the answer to the fourth ending question just to see if I was as awesome about Clue as I thought.

I was somehow both right and wrong. Depressing!
posted by winna at 7:42 PM on June 21, 2011

"Who was the killer in the fourth ending?"

If you want to know who killed Mr. Body, it was me, Mr. Green, in the hallway, with the reviler., and now I'm going home to sleep with my wife.
posted by The Whelk at 7:43 PM on June 21, 2011 [1 favorite]

"Who killed Yvette?"

This is from Clue, right? Why is that the gay test?
posted by hal_c_on at 7:45 PM on June 21, 2011

is the reviler like the ancient booer in the Princess Bride?
posted by elizardbits at 7:46 PM on June 21, 2011 [1 favorite]

Because the population of straight men my age who know clue quotes and the population of gay men my age who know clue quotes have little overlap.

Unless you're talking about theatre majors.
posted by The Whelk at 7:46 PM on June 21, 2011

Got a 12. Closet Warmer. Not terribly unexpected.
posted by zarq at 7:47 PM on June 21, 2011

and on that note:

Who would kill the cook?
posted by The Whelk at 7:47 PM on June 21, 2011

Because the population of straight men my age who know clue quotes and the population of gay men my age who know clue quotes have little overlap.

Unless you're talking about theatre majors.

That must be the first time ever that being a theatre major has made a man more likely to be straight.
posted by hal_c_on at 7:54 PM on June 21, 2011 [2 favorites]

Because the population of straight men my age who know clue quotes and the population of gay men my age who know clue quotes have little overlap.

Whelkie, Larry, sweetie-honey...

Gay men your age... um... were you even born when Clue came out?
posted by hippybear at 7:55 PM on June 21, 2011

You know, Whelk, it's entirely possibly your gay friends just happen to have bad taste.
posted by Sys Rq at 7:56 PM on June 21, 2011 [2 favorites]

"Been an out dyke for more than 20 years but I am only a gay-in-training. Yeah, right."

This is probably something that's been done to death in "the community," but how come "gay" is the term for men? Once again, men are the default where terminology is concerned.

We had a discussion on fb about this recently. Someone suggested "Spartans" (as compared to "Lesbos" for lesbians). Surely MeFi can do better.
posted by Eideteker at 7:56 PM on June 21, 2011

Relevant quote to both the FPP topic and the Clue derail: "I thought men like you were usually called fruits."
posted by desjardins at 7:57 PM on June 21, 2011

I actually like the term "fruit" a lot. It's just silly and innocuous. I actually much prefer it to "queer," since it doesn't have the heteronormative connotations.
posted by Sys Rq at 8:02 PM on June 21, 2011

Have you ever bantered with your dinner date over who gets to pick up the check, realizing that the argument is a veiled proxy for a discussion about who's going to be on top later that night?

Eh, I've met more than one guy whose idea of "whipping it out" only extends as far as their MasterCards. not a pun I swear
posted by psoas at 8:03 PM on June 21, 2011

Totally gay.
posted by maryr at 8:07 PM on June 21, 2011

60. But I'm European.
posted by arcticseal at 8:15 PM on June 21, 2011 [3 favorites]

40—straight female, former marching band member
posted by limeonaire at 8:17 PM on June 21, 2011

Well, I scored 0. I'm beginning to think it might be a guy thing.
posted by joannemullen at 8:18 PM on June 21, 2011

There are so many better ways to prove that you're gay.

The Whelk's Patented Gay Test For People Under 34 For Whom It Is Possible We Share Common Cultural Touchstones is

"Who killed Yvette?"

Wow—that works for both my out gay friends and this one married, probably-closeted, flamboyant-Christian-loudmouth-guy-with-anger-issues I know. Well done!
posted by limeonaire at 8:22 PM on June 21, 2011 [1 favorite]

kinda wish I'd scored a 42. It might have been the answer or something.
posted by smirkette at 8:25 PM on June 21, 2011 [1 favorite]

Yeah... Delaney's The Mad Man... was actually kind of world-changing for me in a lot of ways. It's one of those books I'm really glad I read, and am not sure I want to read again, although I just might one of these days just to see.

I love The Mad Man. It's definitely in my favorite few Delaney books - probably Stars In My Pocket Like Grains of Sand, The Mad Man and the first Neveryona book. Delaney is one of very, very few writers who writes explicitly about sex in a way that I find reassuring and human instead of anxiety-provoking. Hogg is gross, yeah, but it seems human and assimilable in ways that novels about sexy! people having sexy! sex just aren't. In fact, I'll go so far as to say that the way Delany writes about casual-sex-with-strangers in his memoirs makes casual sex with strangers actually sound fun instead of competitive and miserable.

Also, he's so cute, I gush fannishly.
posted by Frowner at 8:28 PM on June 21, 2011 [2 favorites]

hippybear You have yet again validated my spousing. You, sir, are a mensch amongst mensches.
posted by Splunge at 8:29 PM on June 21, 2011

*sigh* And yes... Perfect Erotic Object.

The perfect erotic object is wonderful to me though because 1. Rat Korga! and 2. none of the characters are really described so that you can pigeonhole them as "this one is the sexy blond!" and "this one is an attractive muscular man" and "this one is the pudgy but nice character who pines a lot". There's so much physical description of the characters that you feel like you could pick them out on the street, but it's never in evaluative terms. Rat Korga/Marc are each other's perfect erotic objects but you have no idea what you'd think of their appearances.

And the gender pronouns. I wish that was a normal novelistic convention. And job1 and job2...and the woman eating herself to death on uncooked beancurd...I haven't reread that book in years because I've read it so many times.

I always figured the story would never be resolved; it's not that sort of story.
posted by Frowner at 8:35 PM on June 21, 2011

"Who killed Yvette?"

Easy. Miss Scarlet, a.k.a. Madeline Kahn. "I hated her.. so much. It--flamed, flames... on the side of my face.. breathing--heaving.. breaths..."

(Totally straight. And huuuuge crush on Madeline Kahn.)
posted by Eideteker at 8:44 PM on June 21, 2011

THAT WAS MISS WHITE SCARLETT WAS LESLIE ANN WAREN.

please turn in your card.
posted by The Whelk at 8:46 PM on June 21, 2011 [1 favorite]

as a woman, I'm pretty sure that having very few shoes, one hair product and no standard grooming procedure makes me stereotypically gay. As it is, my straight husband was rated more "gay" than I was.

That said, a more accurate would be "Are you attracted to people who are the same sex as you are, and not especially attracted to people of the opposite sex?"
posted by jb at 8:47 PM on June 21, 2011

He's on Metafilter with that one photo ( I asked he's cool with this) but he lurks.

The Whelk, I think I would like to express my fear of intimacy by developing a massive unreciprocated crush on your straight friend for a few months, can you ask him if this is ok y/n
posted by en forme de poire at 8:50 PM on June 21, 2011

I love the word "queer" - half for the sound, which is so sweet, like "dear" - but also half for the meaning, which I have never thought of as negative but as being different, but in an interesting or special way.
posted by jb at 9:04 PM on June 21, 2011 [1 favorite]

Also, he's so cute, I gush fannishly.

I met him at conferences a few times. The first time, it was terribly disconcerting to have him say very cheerfully "Call me Chip!" I had never, ever thought of him as a Chip; I knew a couple of Chips in college and they were exactly as one would imagine. But there you go - he breaks rules all over the place. I'll always love him for that.
posted by rtha at 9:10 PM on June 21, 2011

56. Acceptably acceptable!
posted by kuppajava at 9:20 PM on June 21, 2011

Since we seem to be discussing alternate literature here, has anyone else read Chrome? It was in a very compelling story for me as well as any Delany I have read, in my "formative years".
posted by Splunge at 9:30 PM on June 21, 2011

Never even heard of it, but it's on my list now....weird, I felt like I had a pretty good collection of older queer SF. Published right pre-AIDS, too...I wonder, there must be some literary theory about how AIDS affected science fiction writing (I mean, other than literal novels-about-AIDS).
posted by Frowner at 9:35 PM on June 21, 2011

has anyone else read Chrome?

Yes. my father brought it home from the library sci-fi section when i was about fourteen. We both read it but never discussed it.
posted by longsleeves at 10:12 PM on June 21, 2011

do people REALLY call people who aren't girls "girlfriend"?

I (a mostly straight female) started calling one of my straight male coworkers "my sexy Mexican girlfriend" a few years ago. I honestly cannot remember why--strange things happen when you work 80 hour weeks. It's been shortened to just "girlfriend," and picked up by the majority of the crew.
posted by mollymayhem at 11:29 PM on June 21, 2011

52 - gay in training.

On the cusp of being acceptably gay.

I mostly fail at that musical stuff. Not very charming either, sorry.
posted by ZeroAmbition at 11:46 PM on June 21, 2011

Thank God for this quiz. Last time I wondered, I had to suck a lot of cock.
posted by klangklangston at 12:14 AM on June 22, 2011 [1 favorite]

I love both Delaney and Sondheim.
posted by PinkMoose at 1:03 AM on June 22, 2011

I love Delaney.

I met him at conferences a few times. The first time, it was terribly disconcerting to have him say very cheerfully "Call me Chip!" I had never, ever thought of him as a Chip; I knew a couple of Chips in college and they were exactly as one would imagine. But there you go - he breaks rules all over the place. I'll always love him for that.

I'm not sure where he got that nickname, but I have heard him referred to as Chip before.
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 1:27 AM on June 22, 2011 [1 favorite]

We had a discussion on fb about this recently. Someone suggested "Spartans" (as compared to "Lesbos" for lesbians). Surely MeFi can do better.

I think it did by not engaging in that.
posted by hal_c_on at 1:54 AM on June 22, 2011

Wait wait wait. "Handball" implies anal fisting, and not anything to do with the testicles and the handling thereof?

NOTHING MAKES ANY GOD-DAMNED SENSE ANY MORE
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 2:24 AM on June 22, 2011 [1 favorite]

Ooooo I scored an 8. So this explains why everyone thinks I'm straight ;-)
posted by TrinsicWS at 2:33 AM on June 22, 2011

92. Growing up in Brighton, England: it doesn't matter if you love the cock or not (I tried it, but missed the lack of breasts and vagina enough that I thought I'd be a terribly unsatisfied homosexual), you will apparently be gay enough to be a 'fine queen'.

Also, I used to fancy Keanu Reeves. My taste in men would have been lamentably, embarrassingly terrible.
posted by jaduncan at 6:26 AM on June 22, 2011

Sorry Keanu. But we can still hang out. Just get me drunk.
posted by jaduncan at 6:29 AM on June 22, 2011

THAT WAS MISS WHITE SCARLETT WAS LESLIE ANN WAREN.

Oh, good shot, Green. Very good.
posted by Errant at 10:19 AM on June 22, 2011

Well, I got a 52 on the gay male test, but as a cisgendered woman, it's hard to interpret that.
posted by Karmakaze at 11:07 AM on June 22, 2011

jaduncan, many of us went through a Keanu phase. Long about the "My Own Private Idaho" years.


RE "handball": *shudder*

It is, indeed, a big tent over which flies the rainbow flag.
posted by darkstar at 11:16 AM on June 22, 2011

I never come off as particulary gay, either on these stupid quizzes or in my sloppily dressed shambling existence, except for when, say, I'm dressed as a nun and riding around town on a scooter. This is actually a plus, as I can easily play the "well, I'm just a dumb country blue collar guy, but I am a little curious about what you big city gay homosexuals do in bed" card to my advantage when I'm so inclined. I like to think of it as predatory innocence. But shucks, what do I know of y'all with your sophisticated shoes and such?
posted by sonascope at 11:40 AM on June 22, 2011 [2 favorites]

Avert your eyes: I am wearing brown pants, a navy blue t-shirt, and a black hoodie. Not Gay. But very dykey!
posted by rtha at 11:49 AM on June 22, 2011 [5 favorites]

"THAT WAS MISS WHITE SCARLETT WAS LESLIE ANN WAREN.

please turn in your card."

In my defense, it was pretty late when I posted that. In fact, looking at the timestamp, I don't even remember being awake that close to midnight. I thought I went to sleep at 11. o.O

(Also, my Clue set featured a Miss Scarlet that looked way more like Madeline Kahn than Leslie Ann Warren. Same hair.)
posted by Eideteker at 12:26 PM on June 22, 2011

I'm just glad it didn't ask for my cell phone number at the end in order to deliver the 'results'.
posted by crunch42 at 12:56 PM on June 22, 2011

Also:

I am wearing a light stripped blazer, a checkered shirt, a deep purple tie, red pants and boat shoes with no socks.


posted by The Whelk at 1:26 PM on June 22, 2011 [1 favorite]

So dapper!
posted by rtha at 1:32 PM on June 22, 2011

So you have fashion sense. But do you have funk?
posted by psoas at 2:13 PM on June 22, 2011

but how come "gay" is the term for men? Once again, men are the default where terminology is concerned.

I was under the impression that the inclusive term was "homosexual", and that "gay" and "lesbian" were terms for male and female homosexuals, respectively.
posted by Mars Saxman at 2:51 PM on June 22, 2011

No, it's much fuzzier than that. "Gay" is definitely often used as the umbrella term, but when it's gendered, it's gendered male. "Queer" is the up-and-coming all-inclusive term, from what I've seen (and it's usually very all-inclusive.) "Homosexual," to me, has a clinical and therefore a fairly negative connotation - it strikes me as the way unfriendly straight people talk about gay people when they're consciously trying not to use slurs. (That's not always the case, of course, but it's definitely not a term I'd ever apply to myself. That would be really weird.)
posted by restless_nomad at 2:55 PM on June 22, 2011

"Queer" is the umbrella term which addresses a vast array of sexual difference, from homosexuality to transgender to BDSM to polyamory and perhaps even covers furries. But it's the most logical and least problematic of the "this is an alternate take on sexuality" words, and I support its use regularly.
posted by hippybear at 3:06 PM on June 22, 2011

Also Queer is nice and inclusive. Although to quite Scott Tompson's Buddy: I perfer sodomite, reminds me of life as the big jail.
posted by The Whelk at 3:09 PM on June 22, 2011 [1 favorite]

The Whelk: what are you drinking? It looks awesome!
posted by hippybear at 3:12 PM on June 22, 2011

Aviators
posted by The Whelk at 3:14 PM on June 22, 2011

Wow, Aviators. They look like quote the drink. I think I might perfer them to other things. I'm a big fan as gin drinks.
posted by hippybear at 3:21 PM on June 22, 2011

Tonic is actually quite shifty for a gin drink cause it really masks any gin flavor you might have.


Then again most gin tastes like whore sweat so you'd want to mask it.

Hendricks, of course, is divine.
posted by The Whelk at 3:25 PM on June 22, 2011

Then again most gin tastes like whore sweat so you'd want to mask it.

Pistols or swords at dawn. You choose.

I hate to do this, but you've crossed the line there.

I'll miss you once I win. You were such a joy to have known, even virtually.
posted by hippybear at 3:28 PM on June 22, 2011

I said most gin! Most! A good juniper taste is necessary for a good gin drink.


And as I used to be an archer it is longbows at dawn.
posted by The Whelk at 3:30 PM on June 22, 2011

No, I'm calling the duel, and I gave you your choice. Pistols or swords. Or do you forfeit and lose your honor?

Sir...?
posted by hippybear at 3:31 PM on June 22, 2011

Swords then.

I also did fencing.
posted by The Whelk at 3:35 PM on June 22, 2011

Now, now, fellow. I've made a fresh batch of Aviators, so let's just get drunk and throw pillows at each other instead, okay?
posted by rtha at 3:41 PM on June 22, 2011 [1 favorite]

Excellent. I shall defend the honor of my beloved gin with the utmost of my skill and devotion.

Whore sweat, indeed. Thou shalt pay for such words.
posted by hippybear at 3:42 PM on June 22, 2011

If I get drunk with Larry (The Whelk's nickname) he'll just try to hook me up with his straight gay-catnip friend. I know how he operates.
posted by hippybear at 3:43 PM on June 22, 2011

It's official.

There is no outfit that The Whelk cannot rock the heck out of.
posted by rmd1023 at 3:44 PM on June 22, 2011 [1 favorite]

I really wish Metafilter had a slot for sexual orientation in profiles: not because I really care about anyone's sexual orientation, but I think MeFites could come up with some pretty good jokes to go in there.
posted by NoraReed at 3:45 PM on June 22, 2011 [1 favorite]

North-Northwest
posted by Sys Rq at 4:00 PM on June 22, 2011

"exciting!"
posted by The Whelk at 4:05 PM on June 22, 2011

Amy Pond
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 5:03 PM on June 22, 2011

I managed to get 20 by thinking cerulean is a shade of red.
posted by malocchio at 5:11 PM on June 22, 2011

Cerulean is the color of water, because Cerulean city is next to the water.

I know I say this a lot but Pokemon made me gay
posted by NoraReed at 5:15 PM on June 22, 2011

I know I say this a lot but Pokemon made me gay

JIGGYPUFF
posted by The Whelk at 5:19 PM on June 22, 2011

What the hell is wrong with whore sweat?
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 5:22 PM on June 22, 2011

Cerulean is the color of water, because Cerulean city is next to the water.

Nope. Sky.
posted by Sys Rq at 5:36 PM on June 22, 2011

(And MetaFilter.)
posted by Sys Rq at 5:37 PM on June 22, 2011

Oh dude, can we please turn this thread into a gin derail? Here are my favorites. Best served with, in order, 1) lime wedge, 2) jalapeno slice, 3) cucumber, and 4) nothing.
(does this modulate my gay score?)
posted by en forme de poire at 5:44 PM on June 22, 2011 [2 favorites]

Also Queer is nice and inclusive. Although to quite Scott Tompson's Buddy: I perfer sodomite, reminds me of life as the big jail.

Voilà.
posted by ericb at 5:55 PM on June 22, 2011

Someone who is a better mixologist than me needs to create a drink called a gin derail.

As long as it can't be made with vodka and called by the same name, I'll be okay with whatever recipe is developed.
posted by hippybear at 7:01 PM on June 22, 2011 [1 favorite]

hippybear writes "No, I'm calling the duel, and I gave you your choice. Pistols or swords. Or do you forfeit and lose your honor? "

Classically the challenged party selected the weapons. Many duels were fought with absurd weapons like billiard balls because the challenged party wanted to make a point about the foolishness of duelling. The challenger was then allowed to choose the field of honour.
posted by Mitheral at 7:17 PM on June 22, 2011 [2 favorites]

That would be classically. This is gay-ily. I named the choices, Larry (The Whelk) gets to pick between them. That's how it's done in the gay world.
posted by hippybear at 7:34 PM on June 22, 2011

Are we all going to have to go get dueling scars to prove that we are true-blue (green, more different green, brown, white and grey) Metafiltarians?

Because I am fresh out of horsehair.
posted by winna at 7:44 PM on June 22, 2011 [1 favorite]

I say it should not occur because it would not be a fair fight because I am a wizard.
posted by The Whelk at 7:52 PM on June 22, 2011

hippybear writes "That's how it's done in the gay world."

Ah. Once again my 4 leaves me ill equipped to deal with the world at large.
posted by Mitheral at 9:05 PM on June 22, 2011

Back in early 2001, I remember a site named TheSpark.com had some awesome tests, including a Gay Test and another one that would Guess Your Gender. They had questions like "What word is grosser, 'used' or 'moist'?" and "Would nuclear war, in a certain light, be exciting?" That site has since been absorbed by SparkNotes.com. What a shame.
posted by Apocryphon at 10:52 PM on June 22, 2011

Someone who is a better mixologist than me needs to create a drink called a gin derail.

Shot of Plymouth gin
splash of cointreau
dash of lemon juice

So it is a Sidecar made with gin, hence gin derail.

Pride party at my place with a bathtub full of this. Clothing optional. No bathing in the tub please.
posted by munchingzombie at 11:31 AM on June 23, 2011 [2 favorites]

(I was actually thinking something really similar except s/cointreau/"Cinzano bianco"... the sidecar reference is much more clever, though.)
posted by en forme de poire at 4:53 PM on June 23, 2011