Let The Koi Guide Him

June 28, 2011 7:33 PM

Koi Assisted Birth
posted by Fuzzy Monster (56 comments total)

That's too stupid to be real.
posted by fnerg at 7:37 PM on June 28, 2011 [8 favorites]

what.
posted by Jon_Evil at 7:37 PM on June 28, 2011

Whatever floats your fetus, I guess. Not my cup of tea though.
posted by caution live frogs at 7:38 PM on June 28, 2011 [1 favorite]

What a load of carp.
posted by Roman Graves at 7:40 PM on June 28, 2011 [31 favorites]

It's a parody. I know (of) the people who made it. It is a very, very funny parody. I think it a sendup of dolphin assisted birth, which is about as ridiculous as it sounds (but real!)
posted by the young rope-rider at 7:40 PM on June 28, 2011 [2 favorites]

That's too stupid to be real.

If only the world worked this way.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 7:41 PM on June 28, 2011 [4 favorites]

Other, more typical, water birth variations.
posted by nickyskye at 7:44 PM on June 28, 2011

Related
posted by awenner at 7:45 PM on June 28, 2011

The comment section is fantastic.
posted by Fuzzy Monster at 7:45 PM on June 28, 2011 [1 favorite]

Well, I foresee that the Koi will all go native and eat the baby in a mad blood lust.
posted by greenhornet at 7:45 PM on June 28, 2011 [1 favorite]

Gently now, mama, as much as I respect your right to birth with giant goldfish, I object to this method of birthing on vegan grounds. Consider this a warning.

A+
posted by the young rope-rider at 7:51 PM on June 28, 2011 [2 favorites]

It's really the best kind of satire, because it really is utterly and completely plausible and not at all far from people's actual practices.
posted by zachlipton at 7:52 PM on June 28, 2011 [1 favorite]

You are going to have one fucked up kid. That is, IF the baby survives. God, when did the human race become so dumb!!!!
posted by loquacious at 7:54 PM on June 28, 2011

I think it a sendup of dolphin assisted birth, which is about as ridiculous as it sounds (but real!)

Had to do it: Dolphin Assisted Birth.
posted by Miko at 7:55 PM on June 28, 2011 [1 favorite]

A beautiful koi pond though . . . shame to get all that placenta in there.
posted by Think_Long at 7:55 PM on June 28, 2011 [1 favorite]

Don't worry, Think_Long, the fish will eat it.
posted by Miko at 7:57 PM on June 28, 2011

Placenta in the pond? Ridiculous. It's going to stay attached to the baby until it shrivels up and falls off. Or it's gonna get eaten by mom to prevent post-partum hemorrhage. You people know NOTHING of birth.
posted by the young rope-rider at 7:59 PM on June 28, 2011 [5 favorites]

Don't worry, Think_Long, the fish will eat it.

Yum-o!

please pass brain bleach thx
posted by loquacious at 8:02 PM on June 28, 2011

It's going to stay attached to the baby...

....until the fish are done eating it.
posted by Miko at 8:11 PM on June 28, 2011

It's all fun and games until someone comes down with postpuerperal sepsis.
posted by Renoroc at 8:15 PM on June 28, 2011

Comedy goldfish!
posted by jimmythefish at 8:24 PM on June 28, 2011 [5 favorites]

What. In. the. World?
posted by hot_monster at 8:25 PM on June 28, 2011

I was about to rant about how this must be fake because NO ONE is that stupid, and then I remembered that Michele Bachmann just announced her candidacy for the presidency.

I hope the kid ends up alright.

*facepalm*
posted by JimmyJames at 8:25 PM on June 28, 2011

Miko, these are obviously responsible and reasonable people who understand the value of the placenta. I am sure that unless the mother needs it for immediate consumption, that they will be having a lotus birth.

Really, no one knows anything about normal childbirth these days. Metafilter, I am super disappointed.
posted by the young rope-rider at 8:28 PM on June 28, 2011 [1 favorite]

From the comments:

Sharon Muza, New Moon Birth said: Sounds like the chemicals you are adding will have you covered on the chance that you are group B strep positive? How will your midwife estimate blood loss if the water is purple? also, can the koi take care of the placenta, or are they vegetarians?

Oh, that's actually rather thoughful and brought up a couple of questions I never would have thought to ask. oh, wait, she's got another paragra~

I think this will be a great birth, and feel that babies bond so well with fish anyway, since they both have or recently had gills!

Well alright then.
posted by boo_radley at 8:31 PM on June 28, 2011 [2 favorites]

Concerned said...

Are the koi circumcized? This makes more difference than you could possibly know.

LOL. This FPP is another classic Metafilter satire detection test.
posted by peep at 8:33 PM on June 28, 2011

>Had to do it: Dolphin Assisted Birth.

The behavior of the Attending Dolphin in that video is interesting.

Water birth, from all the admittedly biased and evangelistic coverage I've seen, seems like an excellent approach.
posted by darth_tedious at 8:38 PM on June 28, 2011

Some negatives to water birth are that:

--Babies breathe
--It's hard to make sure the pools are sanitary, especially pools used for multiple women, and when you're sitting in a pool of water with ruptured membranes cleanliness is important
--It can keep birth attendants from having appropriate access to mom or baby in an emergency

I haven't done all the research I'd need to to say "bad idea" but it doesn't seem like a great idea either. One of those things that I'm sure we'll know more one way or the other in 5 years.
posted by the young rope-rider at 8:51 PM on June 28, 2011

I know some people who had terrible problems with their outdoor koi ponds - egrets and herons came and snatched up the koi. I hope this pond is completely safe from swooping waterfowl. Would hate for baby to get taken by a stork instead of vice-versa.
posted by pointystick at 8:55 PM on June 28, 2011 [10 favorites]

since they both have or recently had gills!

Well alright then

To be fair, she was probably taught the Haeckel thing in school, just like I and everyone I know were.
posted by hattifattener at 9:07 PM on June 28, 2011

Would hate for baby to get taken by a stork instead of vice-versa.

Yeah, the immediate post-birth stork slaying by the infant is all we have left of the Spartan ritual of manhood.
posted by adamdschneider at 9:12 PM on June 28, 2011 [4 favorites]

This is hilarious, and I am sending it to a friend of mine who writes a birthy blog. She will LOL.

Also, dolphin births are pretty fringe, even for hardcore birthy types. No mammals around except humans is, I think, a pretty good rule for birth.

Having said all that,

Some negatives to water birth are that:--Babies breathe

Well..you don't leave them in the water, generally. And they don't breathe till they're out.
Which is also why "cord around the neck" is only a problem when it might compress the cord blood vessels, not because it can strangle the baby in utero. If you Google "water birth videos" you will see women bringing the baby up to their chests immediately after birth.

--It's hard to make sure the pools are sanitary, especially pools used for multiple women, and when you're sitting in a pool of water with ruptured membranes cleanliness is important

Actual birth pools come with removable liners, and many women simply buy one new. Midwives have...and this will make you laugh...those little fish-catching aquarium nets for, uh, "debris" although until the actual birth, there usually isn't a lot of that. There is some debate on whether ruptured membranes are actually a problem in waterbirth; some attendants insist women get out, some don't. We don't have enough good data at the moment.

--It can keep birth attendants from having appropriate access to mom or baby in an emergency

Only if they're afraid of getting wet. It can be tricky getting a laboring woman out of a pool quickly. Women who choose birth pools are generally ok with this small added risk if it gives them the pain relief birthing while floating in water apparently does.

/sort of derail
posted by emjaybee at 9:31 PM on June 28, 2011 [5 favorites]

I labored in my tub during my homebirth, and it felt so fantastic that when my midwife told me I had to get out because I was pushing involuntarily, I said "I will fucking cut you if you make me get out of this tub." (My homebirth was an unexpected conversion when my contractions were 5 minutes apart, and we hadn't had time to really sanitize the tub, so they didn't want me actually birthing in there.)

Uh, and it's obvious that this article is well-polished satire, right?
posted by KathrynT at 9:51 PM on June 28, 2011 [4 favorites]

I should clarify that I'm mostly talking about the part where the baby is coming out, moreso than laboring under water. I've read of a few hospitals that allow laboring underwater, but make you get out when delivery is imminent.

There's no way to guarantee that the baby won't gasp while it's underwater. It doesn't happen every time, certainly, but I think there is still a risk. From what I understand, the risk is greater if the baby's oxygen supply is already compromised in some way.

I also wonder (and am open to information) about whether or not giving birth under water would keep a midwife from immediately noticing complications like shoulder dystocia or a cord prolapse, or keep them from noticing and unwrapping a nuchal cord.
posted by the young rope-rider at 10:01 PM on June 28, 2011

http://www.trollswithwoodenspoons.com/viewtopic.php?f=2&t=52113&hilit=kOI

This is the origin.
posted by TwelveTwo at 10:27 PM on June 28, 2011

gah. Hit enter too fast.

HERE CLICK ON MY TEXT.


THERE IS ALSO ALREADY A SEQUEL
posted by TwelveTwo at 10:28 PM on June 28, 2011

I require more information on Coyote Birthing, TwelveTwo!
posted by peep at 10:36 PM on June 28, 2011

you know i was thinking the other day how funny it would be if the whole world blew up
posted by boo_radley at 11:30 PM on June 28, 2011

Is Michele Bachmann the new Sarah Palin then? Someone whose stupidity must be proclaimed at least once on every thread for no readily apparent reason regardless of what it's actually about? This is a fun little satire though, presumably the next installment will recommend the Candirú as an aid in conception.
posted by joannemullen at 11:45 PM on June 28, 2011

STOP KOI BRITHING ... DON'T BE KOI
posted by benzenedream at 1:00 AM on June 29, 2011

Which is also why "cord around the neck" is only a problem when it might compress the cord blood vessels, not because it can strangle the baby in utero.

This is totally obvious now that I read it, but I'd never thought about that.
posted by atrazine at 2:07 AM on June 29, 2011

Relevant.
posted by atrazine at 2:10 AM on June 29, 2011

For the purpose of refining this science, I'm pleased to announce that my wife and I will be having our next child via shark-assised birth. Ticket prices will be announced shortly after the squid-assisted conception.
posted by le morte de bea arthur at 2:25 AM on June 29, 2011 [3 favorites]

Moray eel assisted birth will almost certainly be more efficient.
posted by Joakim Ziegler at 4:07 AM on June 29, 2011 [1 favorite]

Whatever floats your fetus, I guess. Not my cup of tea though.
posted by caution live frogs at 10:38 PM on June 28

Oh, but I can guess what would....
posted by ennui.bz at 4:13 AM on June 29, 2011

I don't know if those "knows nothing about childbirth" responses were apropos my "fish will eat it" statements, but those were, you know, jokes.
posted by Miko at 4:33 AM on June 29, 2011

Water births have been around for quite some time-- my daughter was born 18 years ago and I read up on the procedure.

Toilet births, on the other hand, are new to me. Apparently the Duggar daughter-in-law just gave birth at home while sitting on the toilet. On purpose. While being filmed.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 4:47 AM on June 29, 2011

I'm probably humor deficient because those answers are probably jokes too.

I don't think births involving toilets are all that unusual. I feel that I've read about that a fair amount, especially with teens who concealed their pregnancy, until they couldn't, and ended up in a bathroom at home or school.
posted by Miko at 6:40 AM on June 29, 2011

That can't be hygienic. For the baby or the koi.
posted by Xere at 7:57 AM on June 29, 2011

I'm pleased to announce that my wife and I will be having our next child via shark-assised birth. Ticket prices will be announced shortly after the squid-assisted conception.

So...are tickets alread sold out for the...um...earlier event that you mention?
posted by infinitywaltz at 9:54 AM on June 29, 2011

I don't know if those "knows nothing about childbirth" responses were apropos my "fish will eat it" statements, but those were, you know, jokes.

Ha, yes, sorry. I am imitating a certain kind of person who doesn't show up on mefi very often.
posted by the young rope-rider at 10:25 AM on June 29, 2011

Heh. Yeah, I realized only much later that I was probably missing something.
posted by Miko at 11:26 AM on June 29, 2011

I thought that said "Kol Assisted Birth" and was momentarily very confused.
posted by rifflesby at 4:51 PM on June 29, 2011

Okay PETA, spring into action. Because those koi and dolphins are absolutely disgusted with this action.
posted by 26.2 at 6:17 PM on June 29, 2011

What does Doctor Babychew think about all this?
posted by TheKM at 3:49 AM on June 30, 2011

Stan Brakhage's 1959 film "Window Water Baby Moving" (NSFW) shows in graphic detail the water birth of his first child, if you are interested.
posted by soy bean at 6:22 AM on June 30, 2011