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July 19, 2011 2:32 PM   Subscribe

Suspicious Vans
posted by BitterOldPunk (90 comments total) 33 users marked this as a favorite

 
Not seeing the suspiciousness.
Can you expl . . .oh.
posted by Seamus at 2:34 PM on July 19, 2011


Suspicious Vans, meet Fucking Stupid Interface.
posted by ZaneJ. at 2:34 PM on July 19, 2011 [53 favorites]


Man. That is the most over-wrought interface evar.
posted by Thorzdad at 2:36 PM on July 19, 2011 [1 favorite]


I think this van is suspicious to some people. Cops, mainly.

I can't imagine getting very far driving that. Especially not in Oklahoma City. Must be why it is always parked.
posted by Seamus at 2:37 PM on July 19, 2011 [1 favorite]


Further
posted by Babblesort at 2:39 PM on July 19, 2011


I'm pretty sure some of these guys drive vans like that.
posted by chatongriffes at 2:40 PM on July 19, 2011 [1 favorite]


When horrible memes collide.
posted by norm at 2:41 PM on July 19, 2011 [5 favorites]


At least Chad is savvy enough to provide drugs along with his criminal defense.
posted by anarch at 2:41 PM on July 19, 2011


This is the most suspicious van I've ever seen personally.
posted by saladin at 2:42 PM on July 19, 2011 [3 favorites]


Sarah Silverman Creepy Van Guy. Wish I could find the whole episode.
posted by LarryC at 2:44 PM on July 19, 2011 [1 favorite]


I want to stab that interface in the eyes, the way that it did to me.
posted by Halloween Jack at 2:44 PM on July 19, 2011 [3 favorites]


SEEMS LEGIT
posted by Tom-B at 2:44 PM on July 19, 2011 [7 favorites]


The driver of this van seeks out vulnerable children, offering them assistance. He travels with a group of ex-cons on the run from the law, and is known to be heavily armed.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 2:45 PM on July 19, 2011 [5 favorites]


Based on a quality of the van, and the time it would be allowed on the road, I assume this is photoshopped.
posted by rtimmel at 2:45 PM on July 19, 2011


I was going to say that I thought I recognized the (outside of that) adult bookstore as well as finding the creepy Baptist van familiar, but then I realized that wherever I've gone, adult bookstores and creepy Baptist vans have always looked the same. Which is almost as odd as the juxtaposition.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 2:46 PM on July 19, 2011 [6 favorites]


Bad interface. Baaaaaaaaaad interface! No biscuit.
posted by Guy_Inamonkeysuit at 2:46 PM on July 19, 2011 [2 favorites]


This is a suspicious van.
posted by Fizz at 2:49 PM on July 19, 2011 [1 favorite]


Suspicious cans.
posted by punkfloyd at 2:50 PM on July 19, 2011 [3 favorites]


When I think of suspicious vans, they always look like these.

Also, I think I bought a set of speakers from one of the vans on the FPP site.
posted by not_on_display at 2:53 PM on July 19, 2011


No, this is a suspicious Van.
posted by MrMoonPie at 2:56 PM on July 19, 2011 [1 favorite]


How is this one suspicious? It's completely honest about it's intentions to eat your baby. Or is it suggesting that you should eat your own baby? Oh Neck Face, you rapscallion.
posted by filthy light thief at 2:59 PM on July 19, 2011


I'm glad to see Free Candy made the short list.
posted by Phredward at 3:03 PM on July 19, 2011


This giant radio van that's parked near my apartment might qualify for this site.
posted by brundlefly at 3:06 PM on July 19, 2011


Suspicious Vweians. Or are they Vaierns?
posted by Phatty Lumpkin at 3:07 PM on July 19, 2011


These are suspicious Vans.
posted by ian1977 at 3:08 PM on July 19, 2011 [2 favorites]


hilarious
posted by Ironmouth at 3:15 PM on July 19, 2011


I used to cruise around, and I mean all around, in a homeless hippie/serial killer Toyota cargo van.
Sure, maybe it was suspicious and creepy, but that was the best vehicle I'll probably ever own.
posted by Flashman at 3:22 PM on July 19, 2011


The Free Candy van has to be someone playing a really mean spirited prank or act of vandalism against some ex-boyfriend or something, because I can't imagine anyone is that otherwise stupid.
posted by quin at 3:23 PM on July 19, 2011


The Free Candy van has to be someone playing a really mean spirited prank or act of vandalism against some ex-boyfriend or something, because I can't imagine anyone is that otherwise stupid.

Sounds like you are jealous.
posted by ian1977 at 3:26 PM on July 19, 2011 [4 favorites]


I owned this exact van. '76 Ford Econoline with a manual 3 on the column and a straight-6 engine. Rust colored and rust riddled, I spent more time riveting sheet metal to the body of that thing than I did driving it.
posted by octothorpe at 3:34 PM on July 19, 2011


Guilty. I had "Molest-o-Mobile" written on the side of mine and no one ever came over to visit.

I only wish I had thought of "free candy".

Ooh, do you think it's too late to do "Free Puppies and Kittens?", because that'd totally work!
posted by quin at 3:35 PM on July 19, 2011


Ooh, do you think it's too late to do "Free Puppies and Kittens?", because that'd totally work!

How about 'Free Clown Ride'?

no, that is just wrong.
posted by ian1977 at 3:37 PM on July 19, 2011


The teens I know call these "kidnapping vans." Also, any white windowless van with no signage.

I personally don't see why every single ice cream truck ever isn't included. I'm still perplexed on why we teach children it's okay to run up to total strangers offering sweets out of vans at some times but not others.
posted by pineapple at 3:40 PM on July 19, 2011 [1 favorite]


terrible interface and the pictures are too small.
posted by clockworkjoe at 3:41 PM on July 19, 2011 [1 favorite]


I'm still perplexed on why we teach children it's okay to run up to total strangers offering sweets out of vans at some times but not others.

It is about taxes or something I think.
posted by ian1977 at 3:44 PM on July 19, 2011 [6 favorites]


Back during the DC sniper incident, I had a friend who had a white van he used for a junk hauling/disposal side job. While the police were actively pulling over all white vans he was pulled over late at night and the cop asked if he could search the back of the van. He was okay with that until he remembered what he had in the back, "Well, sure, but this might look bad but it's not what you think." He got out and opened up back door and showed the cop that the van was empty except for some painting drop cloth, a roll of duct tape, a shovel, and one high heeled shoe. After some muttering the cop let him go.
posted by peeedro at 3:45 PM on July 19, 2011 [23 favorites]


I suppose I qualify, then. This is my ride.
posted by pjern at 3:46 PM on July 19, 2011 [7 favorites]


My experience leads me to suspect that any van could be filled with touring musicians. If you happen to be in the vicintity when a door is opened, you might be rendered unconscious by a cloud of eau de feet and other assorted dude gasses trapped therin.
posted by louche mustachio at 3:56 PM on July 19, 2011 [6 favorites]


Such a great idea for a site, such awful interface. It's like the page designer hates viewers.
posted by EatTheWeak at 3:57 PM on July 19, 2011


There is a suspicious van parked in the garage this very moment.

It has a bumper sticker that says HAM.


(Not FREE HAM. Don't get any funny ideas.)
posted by louche mustachio at 4:00 PM on July 19, 2011 [2 favorites]


I'm in my 30s and I still run after the ice cream man.

Because, dude. Ice cream.
posted by xedrik at 4:01 PM on July 19, 2011 [8 favorites]


Nice Pete's van is the most suspicious van.
posted by The Whelk at 4:01 PM on July 19, 2011 [6 favorites]


Today I learned that an interface is capable of evil.
posted by Navelgazer at 4:02 PM on July 19, 2011 [11 favorites]


My experience leads me to suspect that any van could be filled with touring musicians.

See, but Musician Van is going to be an Econoline with full windows. It looks more like Church Bus than Kidnapping Van.

Agree that the whiff of dude funk will always give away Musician Van though.
posted by pineapple at 4:05 PM on July 19, 2011


justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow: "The driver of this van seeks out vulnerable children, offering them assistance. He travels with a group of ex-cons on the run from the law, and is known to be heavily armed"

My friends and I attempted to recreate that van. We got close and then he decided to build a bed in the back and made it really suspicious. Sadly thats the best picture I have of it. We spent many hours working on that van and yes that is a deck ontop of the van.
posted by lilkeith07 at 4:10 PM on July 19, 2011


Suspicious tans.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 4:18 PM on July 19, 2011 [1 favorite]


That website interface is jammed into the corner of the empty parking lot of an abandoned motel. Nothing good can possibly be going on there.
posted by localroger at 4:18 PM on July 19, 2011 [1 favorite]


As it turns out, the warehouse sent us out today with an extra set of speakers that weren't tracked in inventory. I can let these go to you for just $200!
posted by Horselover Phattie at 4:23 PM on July 19, 2011 [3 favorites]


No one has ever tried to sell me speakers from a van but I have been offered meat.
posted by The Whelk at 4:28 PM on July 19, 2011


I'm more of a Converse man.
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 4:42 PM on July 19, 2011


Ska-spicious Vans.
posted by joe lisboa at 4:45 PM on July 19, 2011


It looks more like Church Bus than Kidnapping Van.


You aren't suspicious of Church Buses?
posted by louche mustachio at 4:47 PM on July 19, 2011 [1 favorite]


I called my neighbor one night, worried to find a suspicious van parked outside of her home, and noticing that her car wasn't there either. She lives alone. Nobody answered.

I left a message. Hey, there's a kind of creepy van outside your house (chuckles)...let me know if everything's OK.

Minutes later her um...companion for the evening rushed out and drove off in said van.

Oops
posted by circular at 4:47 PM on July 19, 2011 [1 favorite]


You're caught in a trap
you can't walk out
Because I love you too much baby

Why can't you see
What you're doin' to me
When you don't believe a word I say?

We can't go on together
With suspicious vans (Suspicious vans)
And we can't build our dreams
In suspicious vans
posted by bwg at 4:48 PM on July 19, 2011 [8 favorites]


Horselover Phattie, that happened to me twice at different locations and months/years apart back in the early 1990s. Was that some kind of nation-wide scam? Both times it was two dudes in a plain white van and both times they were very persistent. I was walking down the sidewalk each time and they stayed in van while cruising next to me. Was I going to carry speakers all the way home?
posted by perhapses at 5:01 PM on July 19, 2011


Answered my own question for those interested.
posted by perhapses at 5:05 PM on July 19, 2011 [1 favorite]


perhapses, that also happened to me in the early 90s. White minivan and two guys. They seemed to know which days were payday for restaurant workers. Weird.
posted by Horselover Phattie at 5:06 PM on July 19, 2011


I dated a guy once who lived in a van that used to say "Refrigerator Service" on it, but he painted over letters so it said "rat Service" instead.

He turned out to be a little creepy, though, so I broke up with him eventually.
posted by ernielundquist at 5:10 PM on July 19, 2011 [1 favorite]


The Dark Tower thread above reminded me of the Stephen King Killed John Lennon van, which I saw in the wild in NYC once.
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 5:21 PM on July 19, 2011


STEVEN KING SHOT JOHN LENNON

What? No way!

EVIDENCE PROVES

Oh, well, really? Wow.
posted by ian1977 at 5:25 PM on July 19, 2011


as per 'You Know They've Got A Hell Of A Band', King's idea of 'hell' involves awesome classic rockers playing forever. and he did do so many drugs in the 70s he sometimes had complete, month long blackouts.

i'm just saying....
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 5:28 PM on July 19, 2011


You know what's suspicious? This!

Seriously, where the fuck did he come from?
posted by bwg at 5:47 PM on July 19, 2011


Suspicious LAN.

Delicious flan.
posted by tumid dahlia at 6:01 PM on July 19, 2011 [1 favorite]


As it turns out, the warehouse sent us out today with an extra set of speakers that weren't tracked in inventory. I can let these go to you for just $200!

I got that pitch. I said I was long on speakers, so no thanks. He persisted. I said the best I could do was $20 for both, and he would have to carry them up 3 flights of stairs, five blocks away. And that I wouldn't pay him until I had hooked them up to my amp and listened to them. After some bickering with his accomplice, he accepted my offer. Yay white van speaker guys! They're big, solid, decent speakers. At that price, I figured the enclosures alone were worth it, but I haven't felt the need to swap the speakers out of them. I see the same model in bars.
posted by StickyCarpet at 6:08 PM on July 19, 2011


They seemed to know which days were payday for restaurant workers. Weird.

The Meat In A Van guys would come around on or just after welfare check day where I grew up. Recently I've in bars near meatmarkets where guys have tried to sell packaged cuts of meat right after work.
posted by The Whelk at 6:19 PM on July 19, 2011


Ha, my husband had the plain white Kidnapping Van because, wait for it...he had a band. That thing only had two seats in the front, one for me and one for him. The rest of the band had to sit on their giant stupid stacks of amps and shit and hope we didn't have a wreck.

They did smell like feet, but also like cigarettes, cheap beer, and skunky pot.

For our wedding, we drove off in that thing, but not until the guys had helpfully scrawled obscenities on it in shoe polish and stuck condoms everywhere. Classy.
posted by emjaybee at 6:24 PM on July 19, 2011 [1 favorite]


I can't imagine getting very far driving that. Especially not in Oklahoma City. Must be why it is always parked.

I am reminded of apocryphal stories of people who responded to the "DRUG TEST? CALL VIOLET" ad in the back of the Oklahoma Gazette. Apparently, Violet would have the client meet her at an appointed time in an empty parking OKC parking lot to do the business. Actually knowing what Violet looked like was unnecessary, because apparently she traveled in a purple van. I wish someone had a picture of that purple van, although I suspect it could never compete with the fantastic purple van in my imagination.
posted by Dr. Zira at 6:28 PM on July 19, 2011


Suspicious fans.
posted by Dr. Zira at 6:30 PM on July 19, 2011


Suspicious Stan.
posted by drezdn at 6:31 PM on July 19, 2011 [1 favorite]


pjern: "I suppose I qualify, then. This is my ride."

Despite pjern driving a free candy van, he has never given me any free candy. Or tried to kidnap me, which is, ya know, a good thing.
posted by IndigoRain at 6:32 PM on July 19, 2011


Dominique Wilkins' brother tried to sell me meat out of a van on a crappy little side street outside of Carrollton, GA. I swear to God, here. I didn't know this was a thing.
posted by MrMoonPie at 6:39 PM on July 19, 2011 [1 favorite]


I'm still perplexed on why we teach children it's okay to run up to total strangers offering sweets out of vans at some times but not others.

"We" don't.
posted by DU at 6:46 PM on July 19, 2011 [1 favorite]


I find ice cream vans inherently creepy. I am quite certain there is an episode of Emergency! to blame for this.
posted by Dr. Zira at 7:08 PM on July 19, 2011 [1 favorite]


Suspicious cans
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 7:10 PM on July 19, 2011


There is a guy who drives around Northeast Minneapolis in an ice cream truck, blasting death metal and yelling at passerby. I do not think he sells ice cream.

The truck is named Hell General. I can't find any pictures or video, but the guy has a website. He hates kids.
posted by louche mustachio at 7:37 PM on July 19, 2011


One day, driving about, we spotted this van making for the highway... those meddlesome kids are everywhere!
posted by dejah420 at 7:49 PM on July 19, 2011 [2 favorites]


So much kvetching about the novel interface. And here I was just happy that this wasn't another tumblr blog. For a moment, it was as if I'd gone back in time to 2005.
posted by trunk muffins at 7:54 PM on July 19, 2011 [1 favorite]


So much kvetching about the novel interface. And here I was just happy that this wasn't another tumblr blog. For a moment, it was as if I'd gone back in time to 2005.
posted by trunk muffins at 10:54 PM on July 19 [+] [!]


When you are posting in a thread about sketchy-ass-looking vans, and your name is "trunk muffins," it is impossible not to read your comments in a Senor Cardgage voice.
posted by Navelgazer at 9:14 PM on July 19, 2011


I'm in my 30s and I still run after the ice cream man.

They sell ice cream, too?
i like the song. makes me feel... funny.
posted by wowbobwow at 9:26 PM on July 19, 2011


APATHETIC SOCIETY INSANE.
posted by stinkycheese at 10:23 PM on July 19, 2011


I am reminded of apocryphal stories of people who responded to the "DRUG TEST? CALL VIOLET" ad in the back of the Oklahoma Gazette. Apparently, Violet would have the client meet her at an appointed time in an empty parking OKC parking lot to do the business. Actually knowing what Violet looked like was unnecessary, because apparently she traveled in a purple van. I wish someone had a picture of that purple van, although I suspect it could never compete with the fantastic purple van in my imagination.

In high school in Oklahoma, a guy I knew went missing for a few days. I knew his little sister better than I knew him, but he was one of the druggiest kids I ever met. Nobody was tlaking much while he was missing, but rumors were that he was showing up for a minute from place to place, in such a state that he hardly knew who he was. When he was found, his dad forced him to take a drug test on the spot, which came back completely clean.

The joke about this was that this kid wouldn't have given a clean drug test on his most lucid day. We were almost certainly in the wrong part of the state for Miss Violet, but I'd like to think she helped him out there.
posted by Navelgazer at 10:55 PM on July 19, 2011


perhapses: "Horselover Phattie, that happened to me twice at different locations and months/years apart back in the early 1990s. Was that some kind of nation-wide scam? Both times it was two dudes in a plain white van and both times they were very persistent. I was walking down the sidewalk each time and they stayed in van while cruising next to me. Was I going to carry speakers all the way home?"

WTF. This happened to me in the late 90s. In Melbourne, Australia. Two dudes. White van. Worldwide scam?

I haggled. I bought the speakers. Sold them for twice what I paid.
posted by bdave at 11:16 PM on July 19, 2011


Wikipedia entry on the white van scam. Man.
posted by bdave at 11:34 PM on July 19, 2011 [1 favorite]


We can't go on together
With suspicious vans (Suspicious vans)


Sure we can. We drove my suspicious van to California. I ran out of money after the primer coat.

And we can't build our dreams
In suspicious vans


That's true. We were stopped at the border, told there are no jobs in California, and told to go back to Oklahoma.

Or did I dream all that? Anyway: look what happened to them. As Lydon said: Ah-ha-ha.
posted by Twang at 12:03 AM on July 20, 2011


I liked the interface.
posted by salvia at 1:10 AM on July 20, 2011


Mary, there is no hope for us
If this GM van don't make it across the state line
We might as well lay down and die


I remember the DC sniper, and someone stealing a white van in GTA and driving around....
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 1:14 AM on July 20, 2011


My family calls these stalker vans. (Although our description is a white van with no windows, sliding door, and just a few rusted spots.)

I've crawled through the passenger side of my car instead of going in through the driver's side to avoid these kind of vans before.
posted by sperose at 6:23 AM on July 20, 2011


sperose: "I've crawled through the passenger side of my car"

I totally get that. Especially if the sliding door of the van is next to the driver's side of the car. I didn't use to worry about it, but after getting mugged by someone parked next to my car in a grocery store parking lot, now I just won't go to my car alone at night.
posted by dejah420 at 10:43 AM on July 20, 2011


Seriously one of the worst website interfaces I have ever seen.
posted by carlh at 5:54 PM on July 20, 2011


It's much easier to see stuff if you go through the archives.
posted by deborah at 6:33 PM on July 20, 2011


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