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Technofetishism and the indiscretion of athletes
August 18, 2011 4:40 AM   Subscribe


 
People really need to quit sexually objectifying me. MY EYES ARE UP HERE PEOPLE.
posted by jbickers at 4:56 AM on August 18, 2011


I played disk golf Sunday morning. To whom at Deadspin do I send the picture of my junk?
posted by Mcable at 5:02 AM on August 18, 2011 [6 favorites]


I played disk golf Sunday morning. To whom at Deadspin do I send the picture of my junk?

tips@deadspin.com
posted by awfurby at 5:04 AM on August 18, 2011 [5 favorites]


I came to this thread expecting more Visanthe Shiancoe,* aka "the equipment manager", best nickname ever.

* link contains athlete penis
posted by nathancaswell at 5:07 AM on August 18, 2011 [1 favorite]


Well, that explains why Deadspin published pictures of naked Juggalettes[NSFW, duh]--just aiming for a little parity.
posted by Halloween Jack at 5:11 AM on August 18, 2011


When you recall those wedgies and swirlies received in high school - "...you are far more likely to remember just how hopelessly flawed and human an athlete can be."
posted by klarck at 5:12 AM on August 18, 2011 [1 favorite]


Ahab searches internet for dick photos while throwing questions at housemate who follows the football. Housemate responds "I dunno Ahab, I don't watch footy for the cock!". Ahab sighs in resignation and establishes that, yes indeed, this issue has actually set important legal precedent here in Australia.
posted by Ahab at 5:15 AM on August 18, 2011


When you recall those wedgies and swirlies received in high school

What are those? Is it something related to American sports like American Football and Baseball?
posted by atrazine at 5:15 AM on August 18, 2011


In this age of steroid and performance enhancing drug use, FIFA corruption, and basketball players packing heat, the last thing we need to do is further emphasize that these people are flawed human beings.

That said, I think it would be a coup for Deadspin to post pictures of Venus and Serena's dicks.
posted by crunchland at 5:22 AM on August 18, 2011 [2 favorites]


I once had a case of Athlete's Dick. It's a fungal infection of the skin that causes scaling, flaking, and itch of affected areas. I could never play sports the same way afterward, because of the itching.
posted by twoleftfeet at 5:26 AM on August 18, 2011 [1 favorite]


Do we willy need this on Metafilter?
posted by orme at 5:37 AM on August 18, 2011 [1 favorite]


GMP is being pretty myopic here. To wit:

"Oh, that’s the website that had the picture of Brett Favre’s cock. Mmmm, Brett Favre. Deadspin: bookmarked."

and

If you have seen a picture of an athlete’s dick, it is more likely that an entirely different process of free association will surge to life in your brain. Perhaps you’ll remember how incredibly uncomfortable you felt when you first saw that dick staring at you from your computer screen. Maybe you’ll remember the stink face you made as you instinctively craned your neck away from the screen... or perhaps you liked it. Some people who are not otherwise interested in pro sports like looking at athletic men! (Which might even generate a new appreciation market for pro sports! Crazy!)

I mean, c'mon. This in the internet, man.
posted by psoas at 5:44 AM on August 18, 2011 [1 favorite]


Gawker media indeed.
posted by furtive at 5:57 AM on August 18, 2011 [2 favorites]


Once you've seen one you've seen 'em all. In other words: Where's the MYSTERY, man?
posted by blucevalo at 5:59 AM on August 18, 2011


Argument only works if one assumes that cock shots are always embarrassing. That's inherently prudish if not outright sex negative. (I saw the favre dong. It is cute.)
posted by yesster at 6:01 AM on August 18, 2011 [1 favorite]


Hu-huh, tips.
posted by whuppy at 6:01 AM on August 18, 2011


To misquote Edith Head, a man's clothing should be tight enough to show that he's a man but loose enough to prove that he's a gentleman.
posted by joannemullen at 6:04 AM on August 18, 2011 [10 favorites]


And not to knock down my own previous point, but some bona fide sports fans are gay men and dick-positive women. Even if it may not be their primary attraction to the topic, ocu-cock doesn't repulse everyone.
posted by psoas at 6:37 AM on August 18, 2011 [4 favorites]


That said, I think it would be a coup for Deadspin to post pictures of Venus and Serena's dicks.

What a completely douche-bagitty, misogynist thing to say.

I think it says more about you & your opinion of strong, athletic women than about either of the Williams sisters.
posted by Pirate-Bartender-Zombie-Monkey at 6:37 AM on August 18, 2011 [26 favorites]


Should people really be posting pictures of private detectives hired by athletes? Wouldn't that compromise their investigations?
posted by Slack-a-gogo at 6:48 AM on August 18, 2011 [2 favorites]


* link contains athlete penis

The standard disclaimer is sufficient: "Warning: may contain nuts"
posted by chavenet at 6:58 AM on August 18, 2011 [2 favorites]


I think it says more about you & your opinion of strong, athletic women than about either of the Williams sisters.

I think sometimes making a cheap joke on an internet comment thread is not necessarily related at all to gender essentialism or one's opinion of individuals. Plus you're assuming that the crux of the joke was "hur hur they must really be men" rather than "lol dicks" or "let's play around with expectations"
posted by Jon_Evil at 7:01 AM on August 18, 2011 [3 favorites]


Apparently deadspin is one of those sites that are completely nonfunctional without javascript;dr
posted by Anything at 7:04 AM on August 18, 2011


Actually, my intended point was that the author was seeming to indicate that all athletes have penises to be posted on websites.
posted by crunchland at 7:18 AM on August 18, 2011 [2 favorites]


I do love a little technofetishism when it comes to athletes. Disappointed there were no dong shots. Adding some to this thread: Nude Aerobics Dance (nsfw).
posted by nickyskye at 7:29 AM on August 18, 2011 [2 favorites]


Do they have Paul Scholes' knob (link contains meat and two veg), one wonders?
posted by Abiezer at 8:01 AM on August 18, 2011 [1 favorite]


Rather, they manage to turn these athletes into abstractions, representative of everything that makes sports worthy of pedestals and purple prose. These aren’t men; they are otherworldly forces of nature or unstoppable incarnations of power, speed, will, and even heroism (I’m looking at you, Last of the Mohicans score).

That's a lot of words to justify violating a person's privacy.
posted by Snarl Furillo at 8:02 AM on August 18, 2011


Thank you very much nickyskye. I went to the FPP link and was sorely disappointed. I was promised dick dammit! Yeah I know the not-nsfw tag should have ticked me off.
posted by ZeroAmbition at 8:03 AM on August 18, 2011


Well, that explains why Deadspin published pictures of naked Juggalettes[NSFW, duh]--just aiming for a little parity.

You must've missed the cock shot. No seriously, look closer *Warning: may contain nuts (and/or possibly cockring)
posted by P.o.B. at 8:03 AM on August 18, 2011


RE athletes being human, I think most of us that weren't part of the jock crowd figured that out back in high school, as suggested above. The guys on my junior high football and basketball teams started some very weird homoerotic domination shit when I was in 8th grade. They would take their combs, those largish plastic dealies everyone seemed to have back then, and, walking up behind one of their pals in the hallway, would rub the comb teeth under their pal's taint. The thus-affronted pal would turn and smile sheepishly while everyone behind him who saw would get a big laugh. I. Kid. You. Not. This was actually a thing that the cool jocks did in my junior high.

As a gay kid very, very deeply in the closet, this left a lasting impression on me. One, that it was kinda titillating seeing two cute older boys doing that to each other. . And two, jocks can be some of the most fucked up assholes on the planet, even more so than the dorks that hung out on the FFA farmer equipment in back of the school and got stoned on a daily basis.

RE the other issues mentioned in the article, it took me nearly 25 years to get over the military fetishization I had when I was a kid. (Of course, I'm prepared to accept that it may be partly sour grapes, since the military didn't want me, despite my wanting very much to join, because I'm gay.)

I was 40 before I started to come to the realization, for example, that just because someone was a "veteran" didn't mean they automagically earned my respect for being some great gift to society or having done some great service to our nation. I say this as the stepson of a real war hero - Purple Hearts in both WWII and in Korea - whom I am in awe of for what he did and how he survived. But just because someone drove a truck at Rammstein or did I.T. at Bragg for a few years to get their G.I. Bill doesn't make them worthy of any greater deference, imho, than a nurse or a teacher or any of a number of other folks who are in public service roles. No offense meant to any military types, of course. It's just that our society does tend to fetishize military service and war and such and the article makes a good point of showing how it's often done with PR techniques that completely divorce military service from reality.
posted by darkstar at 9:08 AM on August 18, 2011 [3 favorites]


Plus you're assuming that the crux of the joke was "hur hur they must really be men" rather than "lol dicks" or "let's play around with expectations"

It was a poor joke, and it gains additional levels in distastefulness due to the fact that he chose the Williams sisters as the focal point of the comment given the fact that they are frequently dissed by the White Male Gaze for being "masculine" and "intimidating" as are so very many black women in the public eye who have the "misfortune" of not being petite, and waifish.
posted by lord_wolf at 9:20 AM on August 18, 2011 [7 favorites]


I think the problem really stems from the fact that I didn't breastfeed as a baby, but thanks for the free psychoanalysis.
posted by crunchland at 9:29 AM on August 18, 2011 [2 favorites]


Plus you're assuming that the crux of the joke was "hur hur they must really be men" rather than "lol dicks" or "let's play around with expectations"

I'm finding it really hard to imagine how you can imagine that the joke did not pivot upon "hur hur they must really be men", Jon_Evil.

Are you suggesting this joke would be unchanged if it read, "pictures of Anna Kournikova's dick"?
posted by IAmBroom at 11:04 AM on August 18, 2011


This is more a Metatalk appropriate discussion now.
posted by Catfry at 11:21 AM on August 18, 2011 [1 favorite]


Are you suggesting this joke would be unchanged if it read, "pictures of Anna Kournikova's dick"?

Yes. Or better, the dicks of two other petite white women who have some salient connection like being sisters or rivals or whatever. But I'm pretty sure Venus and Serena Williams are, at present, the most famous women in sports, and most readers have a decent idea of what they look like so they're the most salient and accessible punchline.
posted by Jon_Evil at 11:22 AM on August 18, 2011


But I'm pretty sure Venus and Serena Williams are, at present, the most famous women in sports, and most readers have a decent idea of what they look like so they're the most salient and accessible punchline.

It sort of sounds like you don't follow women's sports that much.

A question I like to ask myself at times like these is, "Is this the dick joke I want to die on?" Usually the answer is no.
posted by Snarl Furillo at 11:31 AM on August 18, 2011 [3 favorites]


Dude, the author of the joke already stated the intent was a call out of the assumption that all athletes are men.
posted by BurnChao at 11:45 AM on August 18, 2011 [2 favorites]


This thread is full of dicks.
posted by nathancaswell at 12:35 PM on August 18, 2011


(no dick pics contained therein)

I believe you mean "Warning: no dick pics contained therein."
posted by Joey Michaels at 1:26 PM on August 18, 2011 [1 favorite]


Dick pics fix for online cliques or traffic gimmicks? Deep-six, say cynics.
posted by Copronymus at 2:01 PM on August 18, 2011 [3 favorites]


Does anyone else find the pubic hair grooming decision by nickyskye's Nude Aerobics Dance dudes strange - why only shave the belly hairs to imitate women's pubic hair?
posted by porpoise at 2:29 PM on August 18, 2011


These commercials are not supposed to make you think of the athletes featured in them as human beings. Rather, they manage to turn these athletes into abstractions, representative of everything that makes sports worthy of pedestals and purple prose. These aren’t men; they are otherworldly forces of nature or unstoppable incarnations of power, speed, will, and even heroism (I’m looking at you, Last of the Mohicans score).

What's wrong with this? I'd prefer to watch sports if it was on a more mythic scale.
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 4:38 PM on August 18, 2011


That's a lot of words to justify violating a person's privacy.

Don't most of these guys initially send out the pictures themselves? Put your junk in a pic and send it, you should expect it to show up somewhere eventually. Especially if you're famous.

And yeah, I don't find penises repulsive, and I kind of hate the whole "women are beautiful but mens' bodies are disgusting" trope. It's part of the also-stupid idea that women really hate sex and only have it if coerced/out of the goodness of their hearts. Many of us like men's bodies, penises included, and don't fear or hate them.
posted by emjaybee at 5:24 PM on August 18, 2011


Don't most of these guys initially send out the pictures themselves? Put your junk in a pic and send it, you should expect it to show up somewhere eventually. Especially if you're famous.

I don't want to live in that world. I want the etiquette on dong shots (and boob shots, and all the other kind of shots) to be, "Did he send it to you himself? If not, he probably didn't want you to see it."* I can't change Deadspin, but I can decline to look at the dong shots and I can think it's stupid to defend the dong shots as performing some kind of important societal function like "pointing and laughing at people whose success inspires jealousy in us," er, um, "humanizing pro athletes."

*"But Favre sent that dong shot unsolicited!" Well, yeah. Which is a dick move, pun intended, but that doesn't make it less of a dick move to look at it. It's a different kind of dick move, but it's still a dick move.
posted by Snarl Furillo at 6:09 PM on August 18, 2011 [1 favorite]


When you recall those wedgies and swirlies received in high school

What are those? Is it something related to American sports like American Football and Baseball?

atrazine, since no one replied, LMGTFY: Wedgy. Swirly.

Both are used by stereotypical jocks in high school to intimidate and humiliate nerds. Also by sadistic non-jocks, although they tend to prefer outright beatings.
posted by IAmBroom at 7:00 AM on August 19, 2011


Both are used by stereotypical jocks in high school to intimidate and humiliate nerds. Also by sadistic non-jocks, although they tend to prefer outright beatings.

I grew up straddling the nerd/jock line, as I have mentioned previously here (baseball, basketball, orchestra, computers, BBSes, AP Math and Physics) I never once witnessed either a swirly or a wedgie. To my knowledge none of my jock friends ever gave them, none of my nerd friends ever received them. Are they a myth invented by teen movies?

Also, maybe it was because I was friends with some jocks from Little League and Babe Ruth but all the trouble I had in Jr High or so came from random bullies, not real letter jacket jocks. Eventually I tackled the shit out of one at recess during a game of 2 hand touch and it stopped. It's like, bro, maybe the fact that I am wearing glasses distracted you from the fact that I'm 6 inches taller than you and outweigh you by 25 lbs.
posted by nathancaswell at 10:08 AM on August 19, 2011


Are they a myth invented by teen movies?

No. They are real. In my experience, though, they generally occur in Junior High, before the jock/nerd divide has become clear.

None of my numerous and often atomic wedgies were administered by jocks. And, to be perfectly honest, the experience is not entirely unpleasant.
posted by Sys Rq at 10:32 AM on August 19, 2011


I went to a private school in Brooklyn in the 80s with a strong jock culture. You had to be a 3-season sports player to be anybody. Either that, or bench 200# and get a pass (although people would grumble about why someone that strong wouldn't contribute that power to the all-important football team).

Wedgies definitely existed. They were somewhat routine, but only once did I see a kid get hung from his skivvies (he was kinda small). Shredded underwear were not unheard of.

Giving someone a swirlie would probably have got one expelled for assault. Yanking a fellow student around by his underwear is one thing, trying to drown him in the toilet is something out of Sin City.
posted by Pirate-Bartender-Zombie-Monkey at 12:57 PM on August 19, 2011


Giving someone a swirlie would probably have got one expelled for assault. Yanking a fellow student around by his underwear is one thing, trying to drown him in the toilet is something out of Sin City yt .

Pirate-Bartender-Zombie-Monkey, that's not really the point of a swirlie. The point is the gross-out factor of having toilet-bowl-water soaking your hair.
posted by IAmBroom at 12:17 PM on August 22, 2011


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