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99 Angels Can Dance On The Head Of A Pin. No More.
August 20, 2011 12:44 PM   Subscribe

A massive argument about comic books that don't exist. The condensed version.
posted by Toby Dammit X (40 comments total) 19 users marked this as a favorite

 
That's pretty much what every comic book discussion is like for me.
posted by hippybear at 12:49 PM on August 20, 2011 [5 favorites]


Nothing compares to The Collected Christopher Bird hardcover
posted by The Whelk at 12:50 PM on August 20, 2011 [4 favorites]


"Sold a million ankhs..."
"...fights corruption in dinosaur court..."

Hee hee hee.

The forum, by the way, is for Let's Be Friends Again, which is an occasionally-very-funny webcomic about the current state of mainstream superhero comics.
posted by griphus at 12:51 PM on August 20, 2011


I used to do this in APAs way back in the day -- slow moving arguments about literary movements that never existed amusing to those involved and bewildering to the rest of the community. As a critique -- a bunch of these people overplay their hands -- characters that are too ridiculous (Killbore Gout?) even for comics and too much crammed into a single comment (you just aren't Grant Morrison, 'k?), but I expect it was fun for those involved.

I would probably at least pick up a comic featuring The Nantucketteer, though....
posted by GenjiandProust at 12:54 PM on August 20, 2011 [1 favorite]


Reminds me of the huge Suicide Squid discussion on rec.arts.comics.
posted by 1970s Antihero at 12:59 PM on August 20, 2011 [9 favorites]


What's not real? I had a Squiddie Tee, that's as real as it gets.
posted by sammyo at 1:05 PM on August 20, 2011


Did Stanislaw Lem do it first? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A_Perfect_Vacuum
posted by davel at 1:14 PM on August 20, 2011


Sort of a comic book version of Mornington Crescent.
posted by randomkeystrike at 1:24 PM on August 20, 2011 [10 favorites]


Darnit, now I want to read about the adventures of Lady Daggers in dinosaur court.
posted by homunculus at 1:32 PM on August 20, 2011 [8 favorites]


It's like someone crossbred Markovwoman and BeanPlateMan.
posted by blue_beetle at 2:04 PM on August 20, 2011 [1 favorite]


This goes far beyond waste of time.

HyperTimeWaste!
posted by telstar at 2:06 PM on August 20, 2011 [1 favorite]


What? Every last word of that thread is true. Just not in this timeline.

It's also contraband in this timeline. You really shouldn't be reading that, but no matter. The Erasers should already be on their way. Hey, you look tired! Why don't you go take a nap?
posted by loquacious at 2:13 PM on August 20, 2011 [4 favorites]


characters that are too ridiculous (Killbore Gout?) even for comics

You're talking about an industry in which a great run of a major title (Nocenti's Daredevil) included the brief appearance of the villain Shotgun, whose special ability was that he had some shotguns. Also Disco Dazzler (who I love, but c'mon) and an arc titled 'the Return of Purple Man'. And Asian Brain Transplant Psylocke.
posted by Dr.Enormous at 2:19 PM on August 20, 2011 [5 favorites]


You're talking about an industry in which a great run of a major title

I stand by what I said. Most of those names are too silly for Stan Lee in a weak moment. It's hard to do "bad" well.
posted by GenjiandProust at 2:31 PM on August 20, 2011


You're confusing "silly" for "awesome."
posted by JHarris at 2:38 PM on August 20, 2011


You know, those people just don't understand what's up with Chip McLicksten. The Dollar B.I.L.L. ending wasn't some post-modern comment on modern Swiss-style comics, it was just bad. He has the same flat art-style on his run with Shutterbug the Butterfly, and you can see clearly the evolutionary steps from his comics in the 90s. His drawings became more and more stylized to the point were they simply weren't any good anymore.

I can't for the life of me understand why Eraser Comics picked up his new Captain Drango miniseries. It's going to sell a sum total of five copies and be forgotten by next week.
posted by gkhan at 2:40 PM on August 20, 2011 [1 favorite]


Oh please, Garfield Davis is a hack.
Heh.
This makes me giggle with girlish delight.
posted by Thorzdad at 2:41 PM on August 20, 2011


I didn't read Marvel or DC as a teeanger. No. I read mid/late-90s Image comics. Don't you tell me what's too ridiculous.
posted by griphus at 2:41 PM on August 20, 2011 [6 favorites]


pre-teen, rather.
posted by griphus at 2:42 PM on August 20, 2011



I used to do this in APAs way back in the day -- slow moving arguments about literary movements that never existed amusing to those involved and bewildering to the rest of the community. As a critique -- a bunch of these people overplay their hands -- characters that are too ridiculous (Killbore Gout?) even for comics and too much crammed into a single comment (you just aren't Grant Morrison, 'k?), but I expect it was fun for those involved.


Sorry, but a brief googling gives you US1 or Ulysses Solomon Archer, a big rig driver who has truckopathic powers and fights volcanoes and zeppelins. What about Squirrel Girl (whose first appearance I own, yay!) who is now (sort of) on the Avengers? Or, how about Arm Fall Off Boy from the Legion of Superheroes? Even names like the Human Torch would sound pretty silly if you weren't already familiar with him. (What, like you hold him by the legs and use his flaming head to light up dark hallways?)
posted by runcibleshaw at 3:35 PM on August 20, 2011 [3 favorites]


There is no doubt in my mind that Nick Tesla and the Cloudbusters series is pretty much the pinnacle of modern civilization. It is clear to anyone with half a brain that Buckaroo Banzai and the Blue Blaze Irregulars are complete rip-offs (homage) of the Nick Tesla/Cloudbusters stuff.

Also, without Orgone Ray there would be no Lobo, Deadpool, Squirrel Girl, or Banshee.
posted by Mike Mongo at 4:34 PM on August 20, 2011 [4 favorites]


The Legion of Superheroes is low-hanging fruit. Squirrel Girl, rhyme aside, is really no sillier a conception than Spider-Man. 4-issue or less novelty comics don't really count. And I have to say, from that Cracked link, Madame Fatal needs to be brought out of retirement. Cross-dressing as an octogenarian to fight crime? Brilliant! And still better than Millionzzz the Rapping Falcon-Woman or Retro-Jethro -- like The Bulwer-Lytton Contest contestants, they are trying to hard. I have read the Red Bee, and these are no Red Bees. They are too jokey to be bad.
posted by GenjiandProust at 4:41 PM on August 20, 2011 [1 favorite]


It is clear to anyone with half a brain that Buckaroo Banzai and the Blue Blaze Irregulars are complete rip-offs (homage) of the Nick Tesla/Cloudbusters stuff.

Man, I did some serious Googling before I realized you were just joking. Hate you now. Just kidding. mostly.
posted by adamdschneider at 4:46 PM on August 20, 2011 [1 favorite]


I twitterknow...a LOT of these guys. They tweet frequently. I'm beginning to suspect I may know a lot of people on twitter who are actually just brains in jars. Barring that I begin to worry that the move to digital comics distribution may ultimately make all of my nerdren soft Eloi, fearful of the sun.
posted by kittens for breakfast at 4:50 PM on August 20, 2011


Tina Daggers has the realistic figure and she fights political corruption in dinosaur court.

Can saying the words speak it into being?

"Torpedo Queen, is it true that you met with Senator Colepiocephale on the night of..."
"I YAAAAAAARRRRb ject."
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 5:27 PM on August 20, 2011 [2 favorites]


HA! Anyone still remember the Second Earth storyline? Especially the part where Villapiano started making Iron Head more "likable"? Captain Sterling turned into a woman? Wotan vs the Crimson Wave? Vulcanian vs X-Rave? And that awful Paladineer reboot. Ugh.

Until, of course, the Golden Ration Crisis.
posted by eoden at 6:00 PM on August 20, 2011


This actually reminds me of two projects I was doing for a short while: Reviews of Films That Don't Exist and Reviews of Music That Doesn't Exist. It's a fun exercise.
posted by eoden at 6:06 PM on August 20, 2011 [1 favorite]


If nothing else, we have learned there is huge demand for a comic about a woman that fights corruption in Dinosaur Court.

Maybe a Daredevil spinoff? Marvel, call me!
posted by No-sword at 6:26 PM on August 20, 2011


Metafilter: primarily as a place for people to argue about things.
posted by fragmede at 7:53 PM on August 20, 2011 [3 favorites]


eoden, unless I'm missing something Films That Don't Exist was a very short lived project indeed.
posted by randomkeystrike at 8:30 PM on August 20, 2011


If nothing else, we have learned there is huge demand for a comic about a woman that fights corruption in Dinosaur Court.

I wonder how Judge T-Rex handles the gavel with those tiny little hands.
posted by homunculus at 9:10 PM on August 20, 2011 [1 favorite]


at least he's doing well with Ghidoran Corp.

That? That's where I'm a viking.
posted by Ghidorah at 11:22 PM on August 20, 2011


This is how religions start.
posted by obiwanwasabi at 12:25 AM on August 21, 2011 [1 favorite]


There was once a character called "Matter Eater Lad", who would eat chairs & such. There is no such thing as too silly.
posted by broken wheelchair at 1:30 AM on August 21, 2011 [1 favorite]


eoden, unless I'm missing something Films That Don't Exist was a very short lived project indeed.

You're not missing a thing. I wish I had the energy to keep going with it or make it a group project.
posted by eoden at 5:33 AM on August 21, 2011


Matter-Eater Lad was all kinds of awesome and I will fight anyone who says different.
posted by Pallas Athena at 5:44 AM on August 21, 2011 [3 favorites]


They are too jokey to be bad.

That's a lot of handwaving-away you're doing there, chief. Spider-Man doesn't carry nutsacks on his belt, the LSH may be "low-hanging fruit" but they've been around (off and on) for decades, and if you're going to exclude every silly comic--even just those put out by the Big Two--you have to ignore large swathes of the sixties (Giant Turtle Jimmy Olsen, anyone?) and the nineties (check out the spin-off books from Bloodlines sometime--Razorsharp and the Psyba-Rats, anyone? Even Hitman, despite good work from Garth Ennis and John McCrea, was about a telepathic/x-ray-vision hitman who wore cufflinks in the shape of an H with little bullet holes in them).

No, sorry, the fictional characters are no more ridiculous than the stuff that's been foisted on the comics-reading public in the last few decades in an effort to try to revive the industry's flagging fortune. There are probably editors at DC and Marvel that are reading that thread and going, "Yeah, that's pretty ridiculous--except that one. And that one. Hey, why didn't they try to pitch that to me at Comic-Con? Damn..."
posted by Halloween Jack at 6:57 AM on August 21, 2011


I stopped reading comics about the time I learned to dress myself but I do enjoy Our Valued Customers.
posted by neuron at 11:11 AM on August 21, 2011


i'm still having trouble with suspenders :(
posted by griphus at 11:24 AM on August 21, 2011


I stopped reading comics about the time I learned to dress myself
okay thanks for the info
I do enjoy Our Valued Customers.
kind of People-Of-Wal*Mart leering as drawn by Dan Clowes after excavation of a brain tumor, but sure thanks for the info/advertising im sure some people will like it
I stopped reading comics about the time I learned to dress myself but I do enjoy Our Valued Customers.
"but" indeed. butt
posted by This, of course, alludes to you at 1:09 PM on August 21, 2011


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