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August 23, 2011 12:52 PM   Subscribe

Probably the worst video game ever made. Part two. (DLYT, probably NSFW)
posted by Toby Dammit X (83 comments total) 15 users marked this as a favorite

 
I don't understand, it doesn't look like Custer's Revenge at all.
posted by kmz at 12:56 PM on August 23, 2011 [9 favorites]


I thought this was decided.
posted by shakespeherian at 1:02 PM on August 23, 2011 [1 favorite]


I don't understand, it doesn't look like Custer's Revenge at all.

To be fair, in a sense it actually DOES look a little like Custer's Revenge.

This game : Custer's Revenge :: the cutscenes from Zelda: The Wand of Gamelon : The Legend of Zelda
posted by penduluum at 1:02 PM on August 23, 2011


E.T. isn't that bad, actually. The gameplay is poorly implemented, but it's original, at least. I think with slightly better implementation and controls, it would have been a really fun game.
posted by mr_roboto at 1:04 PM on August 23, 2011 [4 favorites]


That's in response to shakespeherian's link.
posted by mr_roboto at 1:05 PM on August 23, 2011


Extreme Missile Defense X-treme 3D, despite the promising name, is actually not such a great game. Although it is worth pushing through to level 7, the speed round.
posted by Mister_A at 1:08 PM on August 23, 2011


Clearly the fact that hardly anyone played it is keeping The Mutant Virus from reaching it's true calling as king of the shitty games.
posted by drezdn at 1:10 PM on August 23, 2011


Apparently a game for the CDTV, a 1991 Amiga with integrated CD marketed as an entertainment applicance to compete with the equally successful CD-i. The game name "On-line" is perversely difficult to search for. The MobyGames page for Delta 4 Interactive lists four other games. Some sites identify this game as The Town with No Name.

(PS: Metafilter posts are more fun when the poster does some research and provides context.)
posted by Nelson at 1:10 PM on August 23, 2011 [15 favorites]


Clearly the commentary has been carefully scripted to make the viewing experience even more unpleasant.
posted by Betelgeuse at 1:14 PM on August 23, 2011 [6 favorites]


"DLYT" is completely unnecessary in this post, actually everywhere on the blue. Since Metafilter automatically adds those little arrow things after YouTube links anyway we can tell that they are...well, YouTube links. Just for future reference, Toby Dammit X
posted by MattMangels at 1:18 PM on August 23, 2011


Since Metafilter automatically adds those little arrow things after YouTube links anyway...

Not on my end.
posted by griphus at 1:20 PM on August 23, 2011 [3 favorites]


MattMangels: "Since Metafilter automatically adds those little arrow things after YouTube links anyway we can tell that they are...well, YouTube links."

Not everyone has that enabled.
posted by brundlefly at 1:22 PM on August 23, 2011


Since Metafilter automatically optionally adds those little arrow things after YouTube links anyway we can tell that they are...well, YouTube links.
posted by zamboni at 1:23 PM on August 23, 2011


I think this would be a LOT better if the jackass narrators would shut up and just let me bask in the low-res insanity of the game itself.

Watching the rest of this on mute.
posted by codacorolla at 1:23 PM on August 23, 2011


It's not Daikatana? Carmack making me his bitch and all that? Huh.
posted by jquinby at 1:24 PM on August 23, 2011


I was expecting to not enjoy these guys' commentary, but I can't see how I could watch this gameplay without it.
posted by XQUZYPHYR at 1:25 PM on August 23, 2011 [1 favorite]


(Do not slander the name of Carmack. That was John Romero.)
posted by Drexen at 1:26 PM on August 23, 2011 [2 favorites]


Lord, yer right. Sorry Carmack.
posted by jquinby at 1:27 PM on August 23, 2011


I thought the worst game ever was this one? (previously.)
posted by utsutsu at 1:30 PM on August 23, 2011 [1 favorite]


.....You guys have never heard of Desert Bus I take it? The game so bad there is a yearly ritual of torturing people by making them play it (for charity)?
posted by Canageek at 1:31 PM on August 23, 2011 [5 favorites]


E.T. is underrated and unfairly bashed, it's better than it seems. It's cryptic and non-linear, but so was Metroid. A lot of people didn't get what they were supposed to do with it, possibly because they didn't read the manual, which is really required. I played a good amount of it back in the day.

I don't know what the worst game ever made is, but I vote for the NES port of 1942. The soundtrack is known to cause external hemorrhaging.
posted by JHarris at 1:31 PM on August 23, 2011 [3 favorites]


Plumbers Don't Wear Ties isn't a game, utsutsu. It's a (console) war crime.
posted by griphus at 1:31 PM on August 23, 2011 [1 favorite]


I would actually rather play this game than listen to the people who are talking over this video.
posted by koeselitz at 1:32 PM on August 23, 2011 [1 favorite]


Also, after about three minutes of this, put me down for not being a huge fan of the MST-style comments they make. You're talking too much guys; the game has voice acting, so we have to be able to hear what they're saying to understand how bad it is.
posted by JHarris at 1:34 PM on August 23, 2011


I am thankful to these videos for providing Exhibit A in my case against MST3K. The original show was only sporadically funny doing this, and stuff like this is far, far worse.
posted by Legomancer at 1:41 PM on August 23, 2011 [1 favorite]


Legomancer, you won't find many more fanatical MST fans than me. These guys are doing it wrong.
posted by JHarris at 1:44 PM on August 23, 2011 [2 favorites]


Someone hasn't bused from Tucson to Vegas.
posted by m@f at 1:48 PM on August 23, 2011 [3 favorites]


Surprisingly, the only commands needed to solve Detective are north, east, south, and west. It is possible to pick up a few items along the way in order to increase the score, but none of these items has any effect on the story.
posted by Wolfdog at 1:50 PM on August 23, 2011 [1 favorite]


Desert Bus is a work of unmitigated genius, and I will fight you.
posted by aramaic at 1:51 PM on August 23, 2011 [2 favorites]


Worst video game? Fuck that! WORST NARRATORS.
posted by ReeMonster at 1:52 PM on August 23, 2011


I guess I'm the anomaly in this group because I'm finding the commentary hilarious. I've seen the Earnest Evans one this pair did before and again, I couldn't possibly watch this gameplay, let alone an entire hour of it, without this type of commentary. If these were my two friends playing the game in my apartment and saying exactly the same stuff I'd be sitting there saying it with them.
posted by XQUZYPHYR at 1:52 PM on August 23, 2011 [2 favorites]


Desert Bus was intentionally made to be a bad game. That's different.

This game, and the console war crime I posted, were presumably made by folks trying to make a decent product.
posted by utsutsu at 1:53 PM on August 23, 2011 [1 favorite]


The worst game ever is CLEARLY Crazy Taxi, duh.
posted by esmerelda_jenkins at 1:57 PM on August 23, 2011


And in the case of Plumbers Don't Wear Ties, then trying to pass it off as indecent!
posted by SpiffyRob at 1:58 PM on August 23, 2011


Crazy taxi is a very good game. It is so good that it made me like The Offspring for a while.
posted by I Foody at 2:01 PM on August 23, 2011 [5 favorites]


The developer's site is here. Fergus McNeill later worked on Carmageddon.

Important team photo here.
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 2:04 PM on August 23, 2011 [1 favorite]


What, is QWOP ineligible because it's a flash game or something?
posted by rkent at 2:04 PM on August 23, 2011


Gloriously bad.

Also, Crazy Taxi is the worst.
posted by jasonsmall at 2:04 PM on August 23, 2011


JHarris: "Legomancer, you won't find many more fanatical MST fans than me. These guys are doing it wrong."

There's nothing quite as bad as someone trying to do a MST thing on something and failing. Painful.
posted by brundlefly at 2:05 PM on August 23, 2011 [1 favorite]


Go play the taxi game?
posted by utsutsu at 2:07 PM on August 23, 2011


The Angry Nintendo Nerd reviews the actual wost game of all time, but I think this might rank as the worst worst game ever review ever.
posted by tapesonthefloor at 2:08 PM on August 23, 2011 [7 favorites]


tapesonthefloor, that is indeed the worst game review ever. Nearly unrecognizable as such.
posted by brundlefly at 2:10 PM on August 23, 2011 [6 favorites]


"If we've got to compare the CD-ROM to a film, let's just say we're not talking about Murder on the Orient Express or Psycho here."
posted by Smart Dalek at 2:11 PM on August 23, 2011


Yeah that game was grainy as hell and shorted out my SNES more than once.
posted by griphus at 2:12 PM on August 23, 2011


Why bother even showing us how amusing the voice acting is if you're going to maddeningly talk over it the entire time! Let the terrible game breathe!
posted by tapesonthefloor at 2:16 PM on August 23, 2011


The worst game ever is CLEARLY Crazy Taxi, duh.

I was at one point in the running for the Twin Galaxies world record at Crazy Taxi, Dreamcast version, with a score of over $69,000. I am in a unique position, then, from which to tell you that you are WRONG.
posted by JHarris at 2:19 PM on August 23, 2011 [7 favorites]


The Angry Nintendo Nerd reviews the actual wost game of all time, but I think this might rank as the worst worst game ever review ever.

Seriously? This game gets tons of shit from naysayers, but at the time it came out, it was actually really good (if you'd bothered to read the manual and have some basic patience). There was even these real cool easter egg where if you used different fluids, you'd get different colors. I'm probably gonna go home and play this tonight, actually. Maybe get through all 24 ounces.
posted by Greg Nog at 2:20 PM on August 23, 2011 [3 favorites]


The Blue has optional settings? Well spank my ass and call me "Mary".
posted by humboldt32 at 2:22 PM on August 23, 2011


Maybe get through all 24 ounces.

The trick to getting to the bonus level is add a little salt or butter.
posted by drezdn at 2:23 PM on August 23, 2011 [1 favorite]


Yeah, I regret jumping on Chu so quickly, but not as much as I regret linking to that review without watching more than thirty seconds of it. Ughhhh.
posted by tapesonthefloor at 2:24 PM on August 23, 2011


Mary: Okay, but on the spanking I'll pass.
posted by JHarris at 2:24 PM on August 23, 2011


Psst! tapesonthefloor, click on the link you made above! I don't think it leads where you think it does!
posted by JHarris at 2:25 PM on August 23, 2011


I don't think it leads where you think it does!

There's ALWAYS a witty apologist in these threads. Face it dude, they put out a bad game. I literally threw up on level 12, never mind getting through the whole thing.
posted by griphus at 2:27 PM on August 23, 2011 [1 favorite]


Yes, I too wondered about the debate involving Country-style Peppered Gravy Mix's graphical interface
posted by obscurator at 2:27 PM on August 23, 2011 [2 favorites]


HAHAHAHAHAHA. I approve.
posted by tapesonthefloor at 2:27 PM on August 23, 2011


mmmmm.... gravy
posted by humboldt32 at 2:27 PM on August 23, 2011



I need to know the context of why a link to 1.5 pounds of gravy mix was readily available.
posted by XQUZYPHYR at 2:28 PM on August 23, 2011 [1 favorite]


*shifty eyes*
posted by tapesonthefloor at 2:29 PM on August 23, 2011


Tapes is Canadian.

Clearly it is Poutine night!
posted by utsutsu at 2:29 PM on August 23, 2011



I need to know the context of why a link to 1.5 pounds of gravy mix was readily available.


I'd be curious too and would have made a joke about it -- if it hadn't made me so hungry.

I wish I was joking. There really can't be anything more.... whatever I don't like about myself... than being made hungry by a picture of dehydrated instant food in a generic bag.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 2:38 PM on August 23, 2011


I hope Walmart's web staff reports that bulk gravy impressions have gone through the roof. If anyone sees these bags sitting in the impulse buy sections by the cash registers over the next few weeks, take photos for us.
posted by tapesonthefloor at 2:41 PM on August 23, 2011 [7 favorites]


To try to drag the thread back on the topic of bad games, I presume tapesonthefloor was trying to link to Master Chu and the Drunkard Hu, which was bad and unlicensed. But seriously, there are loads of bad NES games. Chrontendo is a good place to look for them, as it shows Dr. Sparkle running through every NES and Famicom game ever made, complete with video documentation. According to him, THIS, Super Monkey Daibouken, is the worst NES/Famicom game of all.
posted by JHarris at 2:46 PM on August 23, 2011 [2 favorites]


Mystery Science Theatre 3000 type "witty" commentary is a lot like fucking: It's only really fun for the people doing it, it's rarely pleasant to watch, people think they're much better at it than they really are, and for GODSAKE don't record yourself: the professionals in the field are famous for a reason.
posted by Uther Bentrazor at 3:02 PM on August 23, 2011 [6 favorites]


No way was Morrison's: Country Style Peppered Gravy Mix, 24 Oz the worst game of all time! The worst game of all time was clearly Morrison's: New and Improved Cool Ranch Country Style Peppered Mango Chipotle Caramel Harissa Chutney Gluten-free Quinoa Gravy Lite, for SEGA Genesis™.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 3:03 PM on August 23, 2011 [1 favorite]


Well Uther Bentrazor, it took the MST guys a couple of false starts to get the style down right. Fans don't usually watch the KTMA episodes, and even the first cable season is a bit off. MST3K proper begins with Season 2. When it's done well it can be great -- it's just a lot harder to do it well than you'd think. If you're ad-libbing, you're probably not doing it well.
posted by JHarris at 3:08 PM on August 23, 2011


I'm always amazed at the breadth and variety of pirated NES carts, which lead to strange experiences that Nintendo would never dream of licensing.
posted by codacorolla at 3:08 PM on August 23, 2011 [3 favorites]


Crazy Taxi is a great game, especially for young kids. My friend's six-year-old daughter loved that game, to the point that he said "it's time for bed in five minutes" and she would invariably reply "five CRAAAAAAAZY minutes?"
posted by davejay at 3:13 PM on August 23, 2011 [8 favorites]


Wait, is Crazy Taxi being the worst game of time a meme or something? I played it a bit on XBLA and while it's not awesome it's definitely not anywhere near "worst game ever" territory. I don't get it.
posted by kmz at 3:17 PM on August 23, 2011 [2 favorites]


Wait. They're not talking about Duke Nukem Forever? Because that was seriously awful on more fronts than I can even begin to count...
posted by schmod at 3:25 PM on August 23, 2011


I played it a bit on XBLA and while it's not awesome it's definitely not anywhere near "worst game ever" territory. I don't get it.

It IS awesome. It is so, so awesome. The XBLA version is a bit less awesome though because they had to use different music (their deal with Offspring and Bad Religion had expired by then), but the gameplay, which is still best in its class, is intact.

By the time Crazy Taxi made it out to arcades, they had already been in the depressing all-fighting-driving-and-light-gun game rut for a long time. Crazy Taxi is only a driving game as a means to an end though. Believe me, it took tons of practice to get to the point where I could get to $69,000 and I'm out of practice now. I can still get often Awesome license ($10,000) if I find a CT machine in an arcade though, and if its settings are easy enough I have a shot at Crazy ($20,000).

One thing about Crazy Taxi is that, although it seems like there are tons of customers at the start of a game, they are not unlimited. Every time you pick a customer up, they are gone from the game. What's more, some customers randomly decide they don't want a trip every time they are loaded, or choose a destination from a couple of possibilities. This is a big deal because, if you're in a part of the map with no customers in it, you're going to take a big time hit as you drive somewhere with fares. If a customer you pick up wants to be taken to a place with no one wanting a ride it can be a bad situation. It's possible late in the game to have a situation like that where it's actually better to let the customer go bad and jump out of the car than go to where he wants, especially if you've depopulated multiple regions of the map.

Here's an interesting fact of the game. The original arcade city (I believe it's called "West Coast" in some versions of the game) is arranged in a loop. It's really not hard to find your way around if you generally know the destinations. In the starting area, the University, there are a lot of fares who all want to be driven forward, and because this is the start spot they all give you good time bonuses when you pick them up. Further, the terrain right after that area is fairly easy and has some huge jumps for earning tips. But no one wants to be taken back up the hills to get back to that starting region! You either have to waste a lot of time driving back up without a fare, which is a losing proposition, or you have to find fares that want to be taken to the University going forward around the loop, which involves some luck and anyway requires that you play through the whole city. If you get one of those fares however it's always worth it, because you'll probably end up with some good extra time out of it from taking the easy University runs again.
posted by JHarris at 3:49 PM on August 23, 2011 [11 favorites]


Since Metafilter automatically adds those little arrow things after YouTube links anyway we can tell that they are...well, YouTube links.

Can someone explain how to enable this? I am intrigued but confused.
posted by naoko at 3:55 PM on August 23, 2011


Go to Preferences, and check the box that says "YouTube & Vimeo video inline?"
posted by ShutterBun at 4:04 PM on August 23, 2011


I was at one point in the running for the Twin Galaxies world record at Crazy Taxi, Dreamcast version, with a score of over $69,000. I am in a unique position, then, from which to tell you that you are WRONG.

My first thought was, "Hey, I was really good at Crazy Taxi, I wonder what my high score was." Then I read your analysis of the city population and now I realize I was an amateur.

A great game, though. I especially liked the minigames. Took a while to finish those.
posted by Sibrax at 4:08 PM on August 23, 2011 [1 favorite]


(okay) YAH YAH YAH YAH YAH!

Bad Religion - Ten in 2010
Bad Religion - Them and Us
Bad Religion - Inner Logic
The Offspring - Way Down the Line
The Offspring - Change the World
The Offspring - All I Want
posted by SpiffyRob at 4:28 PM on August 23, 2011 [3 favorites]


Fergus McNeill... Back when I was 14 or 15 or so, I was absolutely hooked on the Delta 4 adventure games. The Boggit. Bored of the rings. That Robin Hood one I've forgotten the name of.

Yeah - so memories.

One of the games had a Teletext thing on the flip side of the cassette with some pages hidden from the user. I managed to crack the copy protection on the program by playing a header file from a different program (Programs were loaded from cassette tape) and then playing the main body of the program. From there I was able to read the hidden pages. On one of the hidden pages was a phone number. I think it was probably Fergus McNeill's home number. I phoned it up, and had an incredibly awkward conversation with a person I idolised.

I remember he asked me how I'd managed to crack the program and I was so embarrassed at my low tech hacking techniques that I gave him some bullshit about creating a custom header.

I wonder how many other people called him on that number.
posted by seanyboy at 4:32 PM on August 23, 2011 [2 favorites]


This has nothing on EnviroBear 2000: Operation Hibernation. If Crazy Taxi is Crazy, this is the Craziest Taxi.
posted by StrangerInAStrainedLand at 4:40 PM on August 23, 2011 [3 favorites]


Hm. I can't work out if those are authentic Video Toaster graphics.
posted by subbes at 5:03 PM on August 23, 2011


I want to see a let's play of that gravy mix
posted by This, of course, alludes to you at 6:09 PM on August 23, 2011 [1 favorite]


Mystery Science Theatre 3000 type "witty" commentary is a lot like fucking: It's only really fun for the people doing it,
This! This a million times... I couldn't believe the fun I had doing it as apposed to watching it with friends... that goes for both.
posted by uni verse at 9:03 PM on August 23, 2011


Sorry forgot italics on the first line, but I am replying to that comment, obviously.
posted by uni verse at 9:05 PM on August 23, 2011


I'm kind of addicted to video game Let's Plays, and this one isn't all that bad as far as they go. Worth it just for the drink sliding across the counter, which made me laugh for like a minute straight (I'd sent it to my husband and heard him do the same thing in the next room about a few seconds later).

However, i'm of the opinion that this is the worst game ever.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 10:05 PM on August 23, 2011


I thought Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing was the worst. How many games are there where you can drive right off the map into an endless grey void or accelerate infinitely in reverse?
posted by jocelmeow at 11:24 AM on August 24, 2011 [1 favorite]


My first thought was, "Hey, I was really good at Crazy Taxi, I wonder what my high score was." Then I read your analysis of the city population and now I realize I was an amateur.

Well I did pay my dues to it, heh. It is probably my favorite Dreamcast game. Here are some more things, just to get them out there somewhere on the internet:

Crazy Taxi tends to have a cluster of customers around each drop-off point, waiting to be taken to other areas. Each customer has one or two possible destinations, and while those with two pick randomly between them when they are instantiated by the game's engine, they are the same each game. The game's strategy begins in picking up those customers that take you where you want to go (easier runs and forward in the loop) when you want them. Generally longer runs (green dollar-signs) are better to take because they have a better margin for error than the shorter (red dollar-signs) ones. Of particular note are the guys who want to be dropped off at the University, which are always at the end of the "loop." They start appearing around the Lighthouse, but I remember them being most common at the Fire Station and Tennis Court, which are the last destinations in the loop before the University. The actual run to the University is difficult though: two parallel narrow, winding roads that remind you punishingly that the game is intended to be set in San Francisco. It's best to power through these.

What do I mean by power through? What follows is the most important technique:

Crazy Taxi has a few "special moves," but the two most essential are the "Crazy Dash" and the "Limiter Cut," which are actually the same move performed at different times. The maneuver is: foot off the gas, shift into reverse, then shift into drive and hit the accelerator a split-second after that. It takes some practice to get the timing right. If you're at a stand-still and pull it off, you'll take off suddenly with a burst of speed. If you're in motion, your engine will roar and you'll get about two good seconds of extra speed. Basically, every time you start off from a drop-off or pickup, you should Dash, and every time you're driving down a straightaway (and even sometimes if you're not; Crazy Taxi is forgiving when you veer into obstacles from the side), you should be trying to Limit Cut as much as you can get away with.

In the arcade these moves are poorly explained, if at all (not during attract mode, if they're there they'll be on the control panel art). On the Dreamcast they're described in the manual. If you do not know how to do these moves, your score in Crazy Taxi is doomed to end after only four or five customers. It is just impossible to play very long without them. Of course, most arcade players will treat CT as just another driving game and not read the control description.

Limit Cuts are good for more than shaving seconds off your run times. When your taxi's engine is revving, it is possible to almost blast other cars out of your way just by running into them full force. Of course you'll take a speed cut when doing this, but if you're quick you can pull off another Dash or Cut quickly afterward and regain the lost speed. During long games the traffic in the city slowly gets worse, so sometimes driving offensively is the only way to get through. This is less useful, though, if traffic is really congested; the car will just smash into the car ahead of it.

Generally, a really good player will start out Crazy Taxi by building up a huge surplus of time, and trying to keep it up as long as possible. When you're low on total time remaining, you're in a kind of trouble area; run times will always be shortened to match your remaining time left. You get some extra time when you pick up a customer, but if the time you had left before pickup was too short, you'll actually have less time to make the run. Even if you barely make it, the customer will probably be in the "Normal" or "Slow" ranges, and you won't get the full five-second drop-off bonus for a "Fast" run. It is possible to get woefully short timers that way. If you're almost out of time you should try to take red runs because of this.

Crazy Taxi gets harder over time by increasing the traffic and by steadily decreasing both the time bonuses for picking up customers and the total length of their drop-off clocks. Even at the game's worst however, if you're playing optimally you should be able to keep the clock at a good level, preferably over (or well over) 100 seconds, for some time.

It is of utmost importance to optimize all steps of your game: not just driving to destination, but take-offs from a stop, stopping quickly to drop off or pick up a fare, and driving between fares. Stopping in particular is an important skill to master. My own favorite trick is to blast up to a drop-off point, do a drift into the drop-off zone, and smash the car's side into a wall, stopping it instantly. Best of all is when the car is then also in the pick-up range of the next customer, which saves the most time. It takes practice to do the drifts well, and it's important not to put too much force into it, or be airborne in the drift, as it's not uncommon for the car to just bounce off the wall and rebound out of the drop-off zone! Also, when doing this or something like it in order to stop for a customer to get into the taxi, it's important not to drive into the customer. Although it's impossible to actually harm pedestrians in this game, if your car drives too close, or even into someone, they'll flee a bit or dive out of the way. Their pick-up circle will remain in place, but you'll still have to wait for them to run back up to the car from wherever they dove to, a trip that can waste several seconds in extreme cases.
posted by JHarris at 4:22 AM on August 25, 2011 [2 favorites]


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