Contains 100% of your RDI of cute.

September 1, 2011 5:00 PM

Daddy has a...what now? When were you going to tell me this?! [NSFW]
posted by phunniemee (72 comments total)

This belongs on the Cute Overload NSFW work.
posted by KokuRyu at 5:01 PM on September 1, 2011

...site
posted by KokuRyu at 5:01 PM on September 1, 2011

HA! Kokuryu's kingdom for an edit window.
posted by NoMich at 5:05 PM on September 1, 2011 [6 favorites]

It's like a Family Circus malapropism gag that was cut for space and content considerations.
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:06 PM on September 1, 2011 [2 favorites]

I expect an uptick in the parride rate in 15 or so years when the Youtube toddler generation comes of age.
posted by dersins at 5:09 PM on September 1, 2011 [2 favorites]

Parricide, dammit. KokoRyu's kingdom for an edit window, indeed.
posted by dersins at 5:10 PM on September 1, 2011 [6 favorites]

dersins' kingdom for an edit window, too.
posted by phunniemee at 5:10 PM on September 1, 2011

My kingdom for a preview.
posted by phunniemee at 5:11 PM on September 1, 2011 [4 favorites]

pagina is my new favorite word
posted by found missing at 5:12 PM on September 1, 2011 [5 favorites]

Grandma likes to get paginated.
posted by w0mbat at 5:14 PM on September 1, 2011 [16 favorites]

I suspect all parents go trough something like this (at least nowadays..)
posted by edgeways at 5:16 PM on September 1, 2011

True story: A secondary-school biology teacher who I know was once teaching sex education to some 13-14 y/o kids, and after she wrote something on the board, one of the girls piped up with "Miss, you've spelt that wrong - it's fagina, with an F".
posted by EndsOfInvention at 5:18 PM on September 1, 2011 [13 favorites]

If you can't have a penis, then some happiness will do;
if you can't have happiness, the God bless you!
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:25 PM on September 1, 2011 [5 favorites]

I suspect all parents go trough something like this

Trough? Really? I know it's all about innies and outies, but TROUGH???

*shakes head* *sighs*

It's called a pajina. And don't you forget it.
posted by hippybear at 5:26 PM on September 1, 2011 [1 favorite]

Funny... the one filming the video is Colleen Ballinger. Musical theatre nerds among us will know her better as YouTube/cabaret personality MirandaSings.
posted by cvp at 5:28 PM on September 1, 2011 [1 favorite]

I have a lot to say here, but do I need to look at the video before I comment?
posted by Short Attention Sp at 5:38 PM on September 1, 2011

I love the thoughtfulness in that little girl's eyes. Wheels are turning, Venn diagrams are forming in her mind. (Jake + Daddy) are in the penises set. (Mommy) is in the no penises set. (Grandma) is in the pajina set. Syllogisms ahoy!
posted by Guy Smiley at 5:53 PM on September 1, 2011 [23 favorites]

Who's Jake, that's what I want to know.
posted by kenko at 5:56 PM on September 1, 2011

My daycare provider was was from Honduras. She used to say wa-yi-na.
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 6:00 PM on September 1, 2011 [2 favorites]

Jake appears to be Bailey's brother.
posted by FelliniBlank at 6:03 PM on September 1, 2011

Yeah we (I) thought it would be a good idea to teach our three year old the correct name for his bits. Now we realize we hadn't really thought it through. We realize this as we laugh our asses off.

We do not film it for the world, however.
posted by Doleful Creature at 6:16 PM on September 1, 2011 [2 favorites]

The other girl's reaction was so perfectly timed and caught.

Makes me (ever so so briefly) wish I spent more time around kids.
posted by psoas at 6:26 PM on September 1, 2011

2:05 "The music in this jungle celebrates that I Am A Superhero!" "What kind of superhero?" "A VERY Superhero!"
posted by sweetkid at 6:28 PM on September 1, 2011 [2 favorites]

Aww pajina. Somewhere between pajamas and vagina.

So much better than the ridiculous euphemisms I grew up with: weewee and peckerwecker.
posted by nickyskye at 6:37 PM on September 1, 2011 [2 favorites]

Darnit, sweetkid beat me to it. How adorable was that?
posted by 1000monkeys at 6:39 PM on September 1, 2011

sweetkid, did you link to the right video?
posted by kittensofthenight at 6:40 PM on September 1, 2011

Yeah but I linked to the wrong one! Try again: 2:05 "The music in this jungle celebrates that I Am A Superhero!" "What kind of superhero?" "A VERY Superhero!"
posted by sweetkid at 6:41 PM on September 1, 2011 [2 favorites]

Also, cvp- I don't think I get what Mirandasings08 is doing. I think I almost get it. Will you help me parse the satire?
posted by kittensofthenight at 6:42 PM on September 1, 2011

nickyskye: "peckerwecker"

what in the dogg
posted by danny the boy at 6:45 PM on September 1, 2011 [1 favorite]

Happiness is Very Happy, written by Bailey. I was rollin' laughin.'
posted by sweetkid at 6:51 PM on September 1, 2011

Who's Jake, that's what I want to know.

Sorry, I'm still a bit obscure. Working on gaining exposure in the penis-having community.
posted by jake at 6:58 PM on September 1, 2011 [33 favorites]

"... and mommies have Volvos" is the way I heard it, yes, that was out in California.
posted by hank at 6:58 PM on September 1, 2011

War crimes? Pshah! Bring on the cute blonde children!
posted by Flashman at 7:00 PM on September 1, 2011 [2 favorites]

Adorable!! =)
posted by Jayed at 7:20 PM on September 1, 2011

> nickyskye: "peckerwecker"

what in the dogg

Yes, danny the boy. *sigh. Peckerwecker. In the mid-60's, when my brother was a young kid, attacked in Central Park by a gang of boys, he was saved in the nick of time by a cop and then had to testify in court against the attackers. The judge was livid that my little brother hesitated in saying eckerwecker and unsympathetically yelled, outloud, "It's penis, penis, PENIS!"
posted by nickyskye at 7:20 PM on September 1, 2011 [4 favorites]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SzJyHigCvDM&feature=player_embedded
posted by uncanny hengeman at 7:20 PM on September 1, 2011

I have a little girl just shy of two years old. She is already developing a thick (albeit south-county) Rhode Island accent. This means the "r" sounds are optional. The hilarity that has so far ensued:

*Pointing to Grandma's bright blouse* "Grandma's shit! Shit!"
*Desiring big-girl silverware with her dinner* "Fuck pwease? I wanna fuck! FUUUUUUCK! Pweeeease?"

She's actually being very subtle with her vowels - sheh-wit and fow-ak - which is the proper New England pronunciation of shirt and fork. To relatives from New Jersey and Virginia, well, it's a little startling.
posted by Slap*Happy at 7:23 PM on September 1, 2011 [9 favorites]

*Desiring big-girl silverware with her dinner* "Fuck pwease? I wanna fuck! FUUUUUUCK! Pweeeease?"

For me it was when my son would ask for his favorite Thomas train, Percy. "I WANT PUSSY! I WANT PUUUUUSSY!"
posted by middleclasstool at 7:49 PM on September 1, 2011 [9 favorites]

MetaFilter: I wanna fuck! FUUUUUUCK! I WANT PUSSY! I WANT PUUUUUSSY!
posted by hippybear at 7:58 PM on September 1, 2011 [4 favorites]

Some time ago I read an article where a mother described how her little girl pointed at her crotch while she was in the bath and asked "What's that?" "That's your vulva." "Vulva......that would be a pretty name for a girl."
posted by brujita at 8:16 PM on September 1, 2011 [6 favorites]

Baby wants blue velvet!
posted by hermitosis at 8:29 PM on September 1, 2011 [3 favorites]

I had this momentous exchange with my 3-year-old this evening, after Mrs. Primm gave birth in a Lyle the Crocodile book.

Daughter: Why is there a doctor? Me: To help take out the baby. Daughter: But how? Me: He just uses his hands, and the mommy pushes. Daughter: Where is the baby? Me: In the mommy's tummy. Daughter: But where does the baby come out?

I point at her crotch. She looks at me like I'm crazy.

Daughter: Noooo!!
posted by swift at 8:34 PM on September 1, 2011 [14 favorites]

nickyskye: "Yes, danny the boy. *sigh. Peckerwecker. In the mid-60's, when my brother was a young kid, attacked in Central Park by a gang of boys, he was saved in the nick of time by a cop and then had to testify in court against the attackers. The judge was livid that my little brother hesitated in saying eckerwecker and unsympathetically yelled, outloud, "It's penis, penis, PENIS!""

Oh my god, that's horrible. And the courtroom part, that's A Christmas Story level of trauma. Your poor brother.

And, embarassingly, I thought you wrote Peckerwrecker, as in, they are a pair: Pecker + Peckerwrecker (Penis + Vagina).

And I thought, "Man, the 60's."
posted by danny the boy at 8:43 PM on September 1, 2011 [2 favorites]

*argh. Do not know what's up with my spelling lately. Or my lack of patience in proofreading. Crikey. Wrote eckerwecker, when it was supposed to be peckerwecker, lol

Yup, poor bro. It was a horrible and dakly funny, memory.

But peckerwrecker takes the cake. Oh, that's sad. You said, "Man, the 60's." So funny.
posted by nickyskye at 8:56 PM on September 1, 2011 [1 favorite]

My sister-in-law's cool mom is an androgynous, butch lesbian, who identifies as female. Recently my (other) sister's 5-year-old told me that "Grandma is a man". I said, "No, honey, she's a woman--she had Auntie like your mom had you." And he said, "No, no, she's a man! She's a maaaaaan." Note the use of "she" throughout.
posted by Nibbly Fang at 9:08 PM on September 1, 2011 [3 favorites]

Why does this set off my astroturf / book deal / TV show pitch alarm?
posted by obiwanwasabi at 9:15 PM on September 1, 2011 [2 favorites]

My six-year-old daughter, just today, wanted to know "what having a penis feels like." I told her it's a part of our bodies, and we've never known what it is like not to have one, so it just feels normal. Just like her vulva feels normal to her, because she's never known what it is like not to have one.

When she looked at me, obviously confused, I told her that it is like having fingers. You've always had your fingers, so it just feels normal to have them. They don't feel special. Having a penis or a vulva is just like having fingers.

That satisfied her. My six-year-old son then contributed "PEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENIS, VUUUUUUUUUUUUUULVA." Which was also helpful.
posted by davejay at 9:36 PM on September 1, 2011 [5 favorites]

Also, this is the transcript of a conversation my daughter had with her mother in early July:

Daughter: I wish I had a penis.

Mother: Why, what would you do with it?

Daughter: Squeeze it.

Mother: What else would you do with it?

Daughter: Play games with it.

Mother: What games?

Daughter: "Squeeze The Penis."

posted by davejay at 9:41 PM on September 1, 2011 [60 favorites]

Haha, davejay. She's right, because my son plays that game ALL THE TIME. We've had to have some talks about where/when it's ok to play that game, actually.
posted by emjaybee at 9:56 PM on September 1, 2011 [7 favorites]

This also happened, a few years ago at a gym-type place: I couldn't find where she'd run off to, and I looked in the unisex kids' bathroom, and there she was...standing on the edge of the urinal, dress hiked up, holding on to the pipe over the urinal, and peeing into it.

she was SO PROUD that she had "peed like [her brother]!"
posted by davejay at 10:02 PM on September 1, 2011 [3 favorites]

I was doubtful about a 25 second long SLYT, but the comments this post has brought up are hilarious. Alas, as I am neither a parent nor someone who is frequently in the company of young children, I have nothing to contribute.
posted by asnider at 10:05 PM on September 1, 2011

Aww pajina. Somewhere between pajamas and vagina.

Merkin Power Pajamas
posted by homunculus at 10:10 PM on September 1, 2011

Haha, davejay. She's right, because my son plays that game ALL THE TIME. We've had to have some talks about where/when it's ok to play that game, actually.

Your son? Hell, I play that game all the time, and I'm 41.

What?
posted by sharpener at 10:10 PM on September 1, 2011 [7 favorites]

So, bad day today, bad few weeks. A death in the family and all that.

But this thread has had me crying with laughter.

Thank you.
posted by schwa at 12:11 AM on September 2, 2011 [4 favorites]

Sorry, I'm still a bit obscure. Working on gaining exposure in the penis-having community.

That's fine up until you are about 4. after that it's scoldings for a few years, then jail time and registry.
posted by GenjiandProust at 2:53 AM on September 2, 2011 [1 favorite]

Yup, that's about right. My son went through pretty much the same train of thought when he was three-ish. The gears were turning and you could almost smell smoke as he was trying to categorize people into man/woman, boy/girl, penis/pajina, no boobies/boobies groups. We tried to answer his questions straight-faced. Tried. Didn't always succeed.
posted by plinth at 3:05 AM on September 2, 2011

When my son was that age, we taught the correct names for body parts, and it always seemed to freak out adults when he would say penis. We had neighbours try to get him to use silly words, and he would cross his arms and say, "well, I don't know what YOU have, but I have a penis. Here, I'll show you....at which point I'd stop him from demonstrations.
posted by dejah420 at 5:39 AM on September 2, 2011 [5 favorites]

Hey kittensofthenight: Wikipedia says it better than I can:

The character is a satire of increasingly common YouTube videos featuring mediocre or even bad, but egotistical, singers who film themselves singing as a form of self-promotion, and who ignore the realistic or cruel comments of "haters" commenting on their videos.

Of course, Miranda (Colleen in real life) is actually a former musical theatre student and very talented. The Miranda videos have gotten a lot of traction in the theatre community and now she regularly performs as herself and the character at live shows and cabaret events around the country.
posted by cvp at 6:30 AM on September 2, 2011

I grew up in the late 60s/early 70s, and my mom was a nurse, which meant we always used proper anatomical and biological words for everything, which means I, then age 4, was really confused at the doctor's office when the nurse directed me to "Tinklebell" in a cup. I looked at mom and asked, "Does she mean urinate?"

Tinklebell. I remember it vividly.
posted by MrMoonPie at 8:10 AM on September 2, 2011 [5 favorites]

Daughter: Noooo!!

I got a similar reaction from a 30-year-old, 9-months-pregnant friend when I, a large man with large hands, made a fist, and asked her if she thought that was bigger or smaller than a baby's shoulders.
posted by MrMoonPie at 8:13 AM on September 2, 2011 [2 favorites]

I hated the euphemisms my parents told me as a child. I couldn't listen to the Goo Goo Dolls for years, but in retrospect, that was probably a bonus.

I tell my kids that it's their business. As in, "Son, get your freaking hand off your business - last warning!"
posted by mitzyjalapeno at 8:15 AM on September 2, 2011

For me it was when my son would ask for his favorite Thomas train, Percy.

middleclasstool, Caroline Rhea did this exact bit in a comedy special I saw a few weeks ago. My son is a huge Thomas fan, so I laughed. Luckily when he says Percy, it sounds like Percy.
posted by pinky at 8:24 AM on September 2, 2011

I tell my kids that it's their business. As in, "Son, get your freaking hand off your business - last warning!"

This will not end well. Just imagine his mental picture the first time he hears someone being told to keep their nose out of other people's business.
posted by zombieflanders at 8:26 AM on September 2, 2011 [1 favorite]

zombieflanders, yeah... that occurred to me, after I implemented my "brilliant" strategy. I still can't consider pecker, or ding-a-ling, or any of those other ridiculous nicknames. They're just so silly. With his speech issues, the anatomical names are even scarier. He very frequently mixes up words and meanings. "Open" is "I'm stuck," "angry cat" is "I'm frustrated" and "Burger King" is for some reason "kaopectate." What are the chances that "penis" could be his code word for "hi, what's your name?"

It took me forever to figure out the kaopectate thing. Really, forever.
posted by mitzyjalapeno at 8:36 AM on September 2, 2011

There are people who consider "pecker" to be an appropriate childish nickname for penis? I always felt like pecker was a particularly bad/sweary one, but now that I reflect on it, I'm not sure why that is.

As the father of a just-over-two year old, we are starting to get into this territory. How my son comes up with the ways he pronounces some words completely wrong, and other, similar words he has no problem with, is just fascinating to see. He's a HUGE Mickey Mouse Clubhouse fan, and there's a thing in that show called "Toodles" - which he pronounces as "Toofuck". So it is absolutely hilarious to us when he is yelling at the top of his voice while watching the show "Ohhhhh Toooooooofuuuuuuck!"

Oh, and my wife insists on calling his penis his "twinkle", so now he does too... When I say "there's your penis", he says "No daddy, that's silly. That's my twinkle" - I wonder if he's confused when he sings his favourite song, which happens to be Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
posted by antifuse at 9:01 AM on September 2, 2011 [1 favorite]

This is lovely. Isn't being a parent badass? I was so worried at first, but now my little girl is three and I spend all my time with her either laughing or crying. Often both at the same time.
posted by tr33hggr at 12:07 PM on September 2, 2011 [1 favorite]

I've been working hard to convince my kids that "Shazbot!" is the worst swear ever. Now that they believe it, I'm dialing up Mork and Mindy on Hulu.
posted by jenkinsEar at 12:31 PM on September 2, 2011 [1 favorite]

This so reminds me of the girl I nannied for two summers 15-16 years ago. Age three, adorable, smart as a whip, self-assured and curious.

Her mother, one fateful day (something along these lines, as I recall it): "We taught her about body parts this weekend. She... well, she's very curious about them now. We're open about this kind of thing and accept our bodies, so feel free to discuss it with her in your comfort zone."
Me: "Okay, always love hearing her questions."

A few hours later, in the backyard.
Girl: "MY BROTHER HAS A PENIS."
Me: "Yes, that's right dear."
Girl: "I have a VAGINA. And so do you."
Me: "Yes! Are you having fun in the swimming pool?"
Girl: "Our neighbor lady has a vagina too."
Me: "...yes."
Girl: "And my daddy has a penis."
Me: "......yes, he does. They're parts of our bodies, like our arms and hands and legs. But they're more private than those."
Girl: "My mommy said that too!!!"
I nodded, smiling.
Girl, at the top of her lungs: "BOYS HAVE PENISES AND GIRLS HAVE VAGINAS!!!!"
Me: "Honey, you remember what private means? Shouting isn't private, okay?"
Girl: "yeah okay I know. But it's true."

In a supermarket later that day.
Girl, to a random man: "Hi mister."
Man, smiling at the adorable curly-haired blonde girl: "Hello sweetheart!"
Girl, to same man: "My daddy has a penis and my mommy has a vagina. My babysitter has a vagina too. You're a boy, so you have a penis."
Man: "............"
Me: "Dear, it's true, but remember what we said? Those are private parts."
Girl: "BOYS HAVE PENISES AND GIRLS HAVE VAGINAS!!!"
Me: "You remember what private means...?"
Girl: "yeah. But it's true."
Man stifles laughter.
posted by fraula at 3:45 PM on September 2, 2011 [5 favorites]

I was sitting in the back seat next to my (at the time) 5 year old neice. Out of the blue, she points to my boobs and says "you get milk outta those, huh?" I tried to subside my laughter long enough to explain it only happens when you're pregnant.
posted by shesaysgo at 4:18 PM on September 2, 2011

Metafilter: yeah. But it's true.
posted by morganw at 5:11 PM on September 2, 2011 [1 favorite]

jenkinsEar, I remember that Dynamite magazine wouldn't translate shazbot in the 70's....
posted by brujita at 6:44 PM on September 2, 2011

I think my favourite part of this video is actually the "mommy doesn't have any penises". It's like, how many penises does mommy have? None. None penises.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 1:24 PM on September 3, 2011 [2 favorites]