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"I didn't call you for a month because [big shrug] ... New York."
September 15, 2011 7:00 AM   Subscribe

Hot on the heels of Amusingly Horrible Things Moms Have Said: The Bracket , it's Amusingly Horrible Things Significant Others Have Said: The Bracket
posted by griphus (81 comments total) 13 users marked this as a favorite

 
22. "Well, I guess you peaked early." [Re: second grade report card, in earnest]

This is really funny but too mean to say to a little kid.



*files under "conversation: babies"*
posted by the young rope-rider at 7:11 AM on September 15, 2011 [2 favorites]


This (the significant others bracket) goes well with the "A Message To Women From A Man: You Are Not "Crazy" post below.
posted by chowflap at 7:19 AM on September 15, 2011 [2 favorites]


The "Moms" list gets even funnier if you picture everything as being said by Lucille Bluth.
posted by Monster_Zero at 7:19 AM on September 15, 2011 [21 favorites]


This one is more of a Tobias: "What clique do you think you're in at school? I think people think you're a gothic slut."
posted by griphus at 7:21 AM on September 15, 2011 [1 favorite]


I always hate lists like this because I never know how literal the quotes are. Many of them read as loose paraphrases or what the person was "really" saying. Like this one: "I didn't call you for a month because [big shrug] ... New York." Really? The person really started that sentence with "I didn't call you for a month?" Or was it more like:

*gone for a month*
Person 1: Why didn't you call?
Person 2: [big shrug]...New York

Or even something else?
posted by DU at 7:23 AM on September 15, 2011 [1 favorite]


"There's a pretty girl underneath there somewhere."

Every overweight girl has heard this at some point but it still doesn't make it any less stab-in-the-eyeballs-with-an-icepick-worthy...
posted by bitter-girl.com at 7:25 AM on September 15, 2011 [13 favorites]


Sssooooo I read the terrible things SOs have said list and man those things are terrible, but then I sort of got a little frisson of self-righteous indignation at how all of them are terrible things dudes said to ladies, as though dudes have a monopoly on saying terrible things, I mean I know for a fact that's not true, but then I sort of reflected on the kinds of terrible things dudes and ladies say to each other and how those things are different, and reflect different and unequal levels of power and privilege, and how a lot of the entries in this particular bracket are tied into the specific way dudes can treat ladies badly, and I thought about how how lad mag version of this would go, and the resulting mental picture was just unbelievably wince-inducing and depressing and jesus guys, I want to say, jesus christ guys, these terrible things you're saying are reinforcing structures that are bad for everybody

It's too early for whiskey, isn't it?

Yeah, it is.
posted by pts at 7:27 AM on September 15, 2011 [5 favorites]


Amusingly Horrible Things Significant Others Have Said.

May I present a word of my own coinage to describe this travesty: humorose
posted by obscurator at 7:28 AM on September 15, 2011 [17 favorites]


...but then I sort of got a little frisson of self-righteous indignation at how all of them are terrible things dudes said to ladies...

Well, this doesn't address the the issues you bring up directly, The Hairpin, while perfectly appreciable by everyone, is a by-women for-women blog.
posted by griphus at 7:30 AM on September 15, 2011 [1 favorite]


5. "You're always nagging me and making me feel like some terrible, lazy person. And I'm not — all I want is a job where I can show up hung over any time I want, with no consequences."

What the fuck is wrong with that?
posted by enn at 7:36 AM on September 15, 2011 [6 favorites]


These aren't amusing. Just horrible.
posted by schmod at 7:39 AM on September 15, 2011 [3 favorites]


The bracket concept makes no sense whatsoever for these. It's just a list of shitty things that have been said.
posted by Old'n'Busted at 7:41 AM on September 15, 2011


TPF;DR
posted by jeffamaphone at 7:48 AM on September 15, 2011


Enn, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but such a job does not exist. And watching your boyfriend repeatedly turn down job opportunities because they require even a tiny amount of responsibility, while you bust your ass at your own job in order to make rent, can make a person a little... naggy. (Not that I would know anything about that, nosiree!)
posted by chowflap at 7:51 AM on September 15, 2011 [8 favorites]


Someone once said to me - in bed, and in a voice of admiration - 'You're built like a brick shithouse!'

THANKS
posted by mippy at 8:03 AM on September 15, 2011 [3 favorites]


"I know we won't last forever, but I hope we last close to forever!"

This was in an anniversary card. It was intended to be sweet.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 8:06 AM on September 15, 2011 [1 favorite]


Despite the presentation I didn't find a single one of these even remotely amusing. Instead, I just feel worse than I was already feeling, the mothers one being especially disheartening.
posted by tommasz at 8:08 AM on September 15, 2011 [1 favorite]


"It was last night when I was playing the keyboard with my band, stuffing my face full of greasy Chinese food and drinking so much whiskey I was on the floor and couldn't move ... I realized I would so much rather do this than spend time with you."

I'm not seeing that much of a problem with that one. If you aren't fun, why would you get offended if someone would rather have fun than be with you? Fun>Not Fun. That just makes sense.
posted by ND¢ at 8:12 AM on September 15, 2011 [1 favorite]


Enn, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but such a job does not exist.

Oh, I beg to differ. Though it is why I don't have shareholders. Yet.
posted by yerfatma at 8:13 AM on September 15, 2011


While the SO list has given me an acute appreciation for how lucky I've been in relationship, and in particular how amazing The Boy is to me, I'm also sad to say that I've heard most of the comments on the Mom list in some form of another.

At the beginning of fall last year I'd lost about 15 lbs over the course of six weeks. I was struggling with depression, so I hadn't been sleeping or eating properly. At that point in time, my mom had been after me to lose weight for about 3-4 years already, when a period of inactivity and stress pushed me to a staggering 135lbs at 5'4". She's not exactly known for the subtlety of her communication, so this manifested itself in the form of emailed links to online calorie tracking tools and diet schemes that barely bordered on legal, nagging me to go to the gym everytime I went home, and so forth.

I went home to visit in October for (Canadian) Thanksgiving, having not seen her since July. When I walked into the kitchen to say hi, she looked me up and down, said "good to see you've finally lost some weight", and went back to washing the dishes.

Hi mom, nice to see you, too.

If I hadn't been depressed before...
posted by Phire at 8:15 AM on September 15, 2011 [3 favorites]


Man, I could make an entire bracket out of things my mom has said to me. Still saying to me, in fact.

I was never a good student (actually, I was always a really shitty student) so I never brought any school work home that was destined for the refrigerator. Until sixth grade, when we did a unit on Japan and learned about haiku. I wrote one about gypsy moths (at the time, the early 1980s, New England was being devastated by them) that the teacher and the whole class loved*. My teacher encouraged me to bring it home to show to my family. This had never happened to me before so as I walked home I smiled to myself, envisioning the praise that would be showered on me for the first time ever. I was like Ralphie imaging how proud everyone would be of his Red Ryder carbine-action, two hundred shot Range Model air rifle with a compass in the stock and a thing which tells time. The reality would be just as disappointing for me as it was for Ralphie.

So I run home with my haiku, all proud and excited. I hand it to my mom, she reads it and says:

"This is stupid. It doesn't even rhyme."

My mom was a threadshitter 20 years before Metafilter even existed.

*in hindsight, it was probably a really stupid haiku but I was in sixth grade, for fuck's sake.
posted by bondcliff at 8:18 AM on September 15, 2011 [11 favorites]


All I can conclude from these and the Hairpin comment thread is that I've been extraordinarily lucky in both parents and relationships.
posted by peacheater at 8:47 AM on September 15, 2011


Sssooooo I read the terrible things SOs have said list and man those things are terrible, but then I sort of got a little frisson of self-righteous indignation at how all of them are terrible things dudes said to ladies, as though dudes have a monopoly on saying terrible things
4. [On declaring I would be Dorothy when identifying who would be what Golden Girl, my girlfriend says:] "Because you're always the undesirable."
It could, in this day and age, have been said to a woman, but it seems pretty clearly to have been said by a woman.
posted by kenko at 8:53 AM on September 15, 2011 [1 favorite]


Number 27 could be from anyone, and it doesn't really fit with the theme of the rest, I think.
posted by kenko at 8:55 AM on September 15, 2011


About half are unattributed to either gender (I didn't count, so there's no need to criticise my terrible estimation skills). Regardless, given that the Hairpin is targeted at a female audience, it's not surprising that the majority of entries were submitted by women, and it's not surprising that the majority of women are heterosexual.

Also, it's sort of telling that I wouldn't find #31
[Messing around in bed] "YOU'RE SO MUSHY!!! I LOOOOVE IT!"
to be particularly horrible, if it were said to me. I am mushy! I love it, too!
posted by muddgirl at 8:57 AM on September 15, 2011 [3 favorites]


I think the mom ones are only amusing if we assume that they were said by a typical parent who sometimes says shitty things (like my parents, who loved me lots but maybe didn't recognize that 7 year old children can't understand irony or sarcasm), rather than by emotionally abusive parents.

Like, I took myself very seriously as a child. I was intensly private, I hated to "exhibit" anything I had created, even though I was a prolific drawer and writer. When I DID have to display something artistic (generally for a school project), it made me really anxious and perfectionist - I don't think my mother understood this at all, and thought she was being helpful when, say, she told me that my 8th grade diorama of the solar system, which I had worked on for weeks and weeks, was "Kind of slapped-together at the last minute, right?"

No mom, I just suck at art. Thanks for making that so clear!
posted by muddgirl at 9:04 AM on September 15, 2011 [3 favorites]


They need to make a horrible things fathers say list. It could include things like:

"Happy birthday kid2" (when he was actually talking to kid1).

Or "I'll pick you up at 6" (and then never show -- lots of variations on this one).
posted by headnsouth at 9:07 AM on September 15, 2011 [1 favorite]


"I didn't call you for a month because [big shrug] ... New York."

The way my visits to NYC have gone, that sounds like a perfectly reasonable thing to say.
posted by sfenders at 9:10 AM on September 15, 2011


I remember when I was a child, following my mother around, trying to get her attention but her ignoring me.
"Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!"
Finally, I got in what I wanted to say: "Good riddance is a bad word."
"That's right," she said.
Me, leaving, satisfied I had told her that. From the other room, "Good riddance."
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 9:14 AM on September 15, 2011 [2 favorites]


When I was in middle school, my mom freaked out at what I was wearing and told me I couldn't go to school dressed like a slut. I looked down at my clothes: I was wearing loose-fitting carpenter pants (as was the style of the time), belted, with a tucked in, loose-fitting polo shirt (as was the school dress code of the time). No makeup, no fancy hairdo.

That was when I decided that my mom had no idea what the word "slut" meant.
posted by phunniemee at 9:18 AM on September 15, 2011 [4 favorites]


My mother, after dropping her last child off for the first day of college, *right outside child's door*:

"FREE AT LAST! FREE AT LAST ALMIGHTY GOD, I'M FREE AT LAST!"

Without irony, but with forceful feeling. Also, in front of firstborn.
posted by MonkeyToes at 9:22 AM on September 15, 2011 [1 favorite]


Someone once said to me - in bed, and in a voice of admiration - 'You're built like a brick shithouse!'
THANKS

I knew a dog whose registered name was Brick... well, Outhouse, actually, because the AKC has rules. But anyway, my point was going to be, he was quite a looker. So just think of it that way. Better?
posted by Wolfdog at 9:22 AM on September 15, 2011


See, I'm a good enlightened husband, so I've probably never said anything like this:

"Sorry, I'm too tired for sex ... but I'm not too tired for a blowjob!"

Ah, well, see I REALLY wasn't too tired for a blowjob, so it made sense.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 9:28 AM on September 15, 2011 [1 favorite]


Enn, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but such a job does not exist.

Heh. You must do all your shopping online.
posted by invitapriore at 9:30 AM on September 15, 2011 [3 favorites]


"Someone once said to me - in bed, and in a voice of admiration - 'You're built like a brick shithouse!'"

Not to derail, but anyone who's built like a brick shithouse and in need of adoration, call me.
posted by Eideteker at 9:31 AM on September 15, 2011 [1 favorite]


e-mail works too
posted by Eideteker at 9:32 AM on September 15, 2011


Someone once said to me - in bed, and in a voice of admiration - 'You're built like a brick shithouse!'

I understand that this is acceptable if followed by

"That lady's stacked,
And that's a fact,
Ain't holding nothin' back, yeah."
posted by zamboni at 9:34 AM on September 15, 2011 [3 favorites]


When I was about five or six, my uncle got a divorce. This was deeply upsetting to my sister and, partially because we had liked our now-former aunt, but mostly because we had been raised in a strongly conservative Christian, Focus on the Family-listening household, and we had a strong impression that divorce was one of those things that might rile God to the point of flooding the Earth or turning us into pillars of salt.

Never let it be said that our mother did not immediately address the concerns of her children. She sat us down and explained to us that we didn't need to be worried; she and our father had made a promise for life, and they would never get a divorce. She topped this off by explaining that if their marriage ever became so intolerable that they could no longer stand to live together, they would kill themselves.

There are two things about this that are particularly funny about this in hindsight (at least to my sister and me; a lot of other people, my therapist in particular, have failed to see the humor in the whole thing). The first is that my father is the most level-headed guy on the planet; he never would have agreed to any such arrangement, and certainly wouldn't have suggested it to us kids. The second thing that we find funny is that it worked. My sister and I not only calmed down immediately, we became such insufferably smug little shits about the whole thing. If we heard about someone's parents getting divorced we'd get all smirky like oh, I guess they just didn't care enough about the family to form a suicide pact.

It took a lot of years for me to realize that this sort of thing was not normal and not ok. I should probably point out that my mother is in many ways the kindest and most loving person that I've ever met; in a childhood that was in many ways a long litany of troubles and horrors, she was a bright spot. She's just also the reason why when I see links to articles explaining to women that they're not crazy, I silently add on "except for those of you who totally, totally are".
posted by Parasite Unseen at 9:42 AM on September 15, 2011 [42 favorites]


I once had an ex try to explain how she never specifically "promised" not to cheat on me (again), so she didn't really break any promises by doing so for a year.

I mean, she called me names and shit out of anger at points too, but it was weasley shit like that which gets top honors in my book.
posted by Uther Bentrazor at 9:42 AM on September 15, 2011


I LOL-ed at far too many of these. I'm not a nice person, I guess. Mind you, part of the reason I found some of them funny is because they so readily suggested obvious rejoinders:

"Not shaving your legs makes you look like a dyke. And the fact that you don't wear a bra makes people think you're easy."

"I know, mom. But that's okay because I am an easy dyke."

If they toss 'em up, you learn to bat 'em back. It's a useful life skill.
posted by Decani at 9:46 AM on September 15, 2011 [4 favorites]


Despite the presentation I didn't find a single one of these even remotely amusing. Instead, I just feel worse than I was already feeling, the mothers one being especially disheartening.

Really?

"Do you want these [ben wah balls]? My therapist gave them to me but I didn't like the way they felt."

How is that disheartening? The mothers list actually has some (very mild) humor in it (e.g. #12). The partners one is as depressing as expected. The bottom line: "you're not hot enough for me." :(

The other bottom line: people are shitty to each other; mothers usually less so.
posted by mrgrimm at 10:05 AM on September 15, 2011


The SO list made me laugh because I've had quite a few shitty boyfriends myself and the comments from the list plus my own experiences and those of friends kind of coalesce into an ur-douchebag we can all collectively ridicule.

Shitty boyfriend bursts into my apartment unbidden: "Take off your pants - I got chocolate milk!"

The comments made by moms are much less lulz because you don't get to go through a string of bad parents before settling on a keeper and laughing.

I'd was really upset about a breakup with a best friend, and mom says "well, you know you've never really had friends."
posted by pajamazon at 10:08 AM on September 15, 2011 [5 favorites]


*and laughing about the crap ones.
posted by pajamazon at 10:11 AM on September 15, 2011


The best line I have from my mother was upon sending her a picture of a new boyfriend (now partner, awwwwww)

"He's cuter than usual...let me guess...mother issues?"
posted by the young rope-rider at 10:15 AM on September 15, 2011


When we announced to my mother-in-law that we were getting married, she blurted out "Do you KNOW how expensive divorce is?"
posted by arcticwoman at 10:18 AM on September 15, 2011 [4 favorites]


Someone I, ah, know once told a girlfriend her blue eyes looked like Ed Harris'. It was meant as a compliment.

"Ed Harris eyes" has since become a mutual laugh line.
posted by gottabefunky at 10:28 AM on September 15, 2011 [1 favorite]


The diagram needs to have this song playing while reading it, mostly because of the Comic Sans font.
posted by crapmatic at 10:32 AM on September 15, 2011


When I was diagnosed with ADD and put on meds earlier this summer, I waited a couple of weeks before telling my parental unit. When I did tell her, via email, I mentioned that I was having a hard time with the diagnosis, because it turns out that many of the behavioral things she's berated me for since childhood are just symptoms/indicators of the disorder, like interruping people in conversation or not paying attention. Small things. I was like, "I'm not sure how to deal with the thought that these pills would have really helped me as a kid. I feel like most of my life has been a waste."

Her response? "I look forward to hearing about how you're becoming a nicer, better person."

And she wonders why our relationship is email-only now.
posted by palomar at 10:39 AM on September 15, 2011


To add my own contribution to the Significant Others list... my brother-in-law had to go out one evening while his wife took care of their 3-month old baby. Enthusiastically, he said, "Yeah, I know, it's a lot of work, but it's fun work!"
posted by crapmatic at 10:44 AM on September 15, 2011


Ooh, on the "significant other" side:

Several years ago I dated a guy for about six months. Toward the end of our relationship, we were attempting to engage in coitus. I say "attempting" because he wanted to try a position that had one of my legs twisted and bent at a strange angle, putting weird painful pressure on my hip joint. I was all apologetic and I explained I just needed to adjust my limb placement and we could try again, but this guy had major problems maintaining a boner and by then he'd already gone limp. I felt really bad, and said something about trying again later, and he said, "No, that's okay. You're probably just too fat to do it that way. [Here, he sees the look on my face.] I mean, you're not at Jabba the Hutt levels yet... but if I come in here and there's a lobster tank by the bed, I'm gone."

I ran into him here at work a few months back. Boy, that was awkward... for him. :)
posted by palomar at 10:49 AM on September 15, 2011


And she wonders why our relationship is email-only now.

Email is the best because you can share them far and wide for sympathy and LOLs. The "monkey dick" email is a fan favorite around these parts (don't ask).
posted by the young rope-rider at 10:51 AM on September 15, 2011 [1 favorite]


Someone once said to me - in bed, and in a voice of admiration - 'You're built like a brick shithouse!'

Yeah, this is a common, direct and forcible compliment. Crude, yes, but equivalent to "stacked."
posted by cmoj at 11:08 AM on September 15, 2011 [1 favorite]


I agree that a lot of these are pretty painful, but have to wonder about anybody who didn't laugh at the ben-wah balls one.

(And yes, I too thought the "mushy" one wasn't bad at all.)
posted by dlugoczaj at 11:18 AM on September 15, 2011


10. "Being friends with you is too much like dating you. I think we need to stop talking to each other." [Said over AIM three months after break up, six states away, and five minutes after I told him I was pregnant.]

LOL
posted by knoyers at 11:28 AM on September 15, 2011


chowflap: "Enn, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but such a job does not exist. "

Never worked in a kitchen I take it?
posted by danny the boy at 12:30 PM on September 15, 2011


It was the morning after, and the first thing I said when I woke up was "WHY is everything terrible??"

I was talking about how bright the room was, but my new friend was all kinds of displeased.
posted by danny the boy at 12:33 PM on September 15, 2011 [2 favorites]


Uther Bentrazor: "I mean, she called me names and shit out of anger at points too, but it was weasley shit like that which gets top honors in my book."

Wait, what?

She called you names? That's bad. But ...

She shit ... out of anger? Like got mad and just dropped a load right there? That's horrible.
posted by I am the Walrus at 1:02 PM on September 15, 2011 [15 favorites]


"Well, it looks like you can fuck right off".

My mother explaining how I should respond to comments like these.
(paraphrased, the swearing I get from her mother)
posted by fullerine at 1:28 PM on September 15, 2011


My last ex was fond of saying, at a particular time of the month, "You can't close the whole park because one ride is broken."

I hated that so much.
posted by mitzyjalapeno at 1:35 PM on September 15, 2011 [8 favorites]


Parasite Unseen, this is hilarious and wrong, and hilarious because it's so wrong. I see why your therapist is unamused, but then he/she probably wasn't raised by fundies.
posted by emjaybee at 1:51 PM on September 15, 2011


I ran into him here at work a few months back. Boy, that was awkward... for him. :)

I hope that after running into him, you put the car in reverse and backed over him. Just to make sure. ;D
posted by Celsius1414 at 2:05 PM on September 15, 2011 [2 favorites]


Metafilter: Take off your pants - I got chocolate milk!
posted by joe lisboa at 2:25 PM on September 15, 2011 [5 favorites]


My mother hates the heat. We lived in Minnesota, which is cooler than most places, but sometimes it gets pretty miserable for her.

When I was about 4 she was complaining about the 80-degree weather. "If it gets to 90 degrees I'm going to have to call in to work and stay in front of the AC", she said.

"What if it gets to be A HUNDRED???" I asked, with the curiosity of a little kid.

She looked right at me and said "If the temperature gets up to a hundred we're ALL GONNA MELT AND DIE."

Next, I remember spending many nervous evenings watching the news, waiting to see if Paul Douglas (local meteorologist) would be the harbinger of our Wicked-Witch-of-the-West style deaths.
posted by Elly Vortex at 2:26 PM on September 15, 2011 [1 favorite]


Next, I remember spending many nervous evenings watching the news, waiting to see if Paul Douglas (local meteorologist) would be the harbinger of our Wicked-Witch-of-the-West style deaths.

Ha, that reminds me of something my father did to me once, though his crime was a little more passive in nature. We were listening to some radio broadcast about the accelerating power of computers, and the host said, "by the year 2000, computers worldwide will explode in power," but obviously I stopped listening after the word "explode" in favor of freaking out. I asked him several times that day if it was true, that all computers were going to explode in the year 2000, and he would just nod and say "yep." I couldn't figure why he was so placid about the whole thing, and it worried me off and on for about a year or two after that, especially when I would sit down at one.
posted by invitapriore at 2:48 PM on September 15, 2011 [2 favorites]


Being told you are built like a brick....um...house is actually high praise. It means top of the line.....thing about it a bit and it will make sense.
Love the Commodores......
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 3:02 PM on September 15, 2011


Take off your pants - I got chocolate milk!

I'm using that tonight.
posted by mrgrimm at 3:21 PM on September 15, 2011 [1 favorite]


That line would SO work on me.
posted by ND¢ at 3:27 PM on September 15, 2011 [1 favorite]


I've got a bunch from my ex, but my favorite was when she made a two column list. One side was my bad qualities, which went on for a few dozen lines. The other side was my good qualities, which just said "Likes Tom Waits".
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 4:51 PM on September 15, 2011 [8 favorites]


Sssooooo I read the terrible things SOs have said list and man those things are terrible, but then I sort of got a little frisson of self-righteous indignation at how all of them are terrible things dudes said to ladies, as though dudes have a monopoly on saying terrible things, I mean I know for a fact that's not true, but then I sort of reflected on the kinds of terrible things dudes and ladies say to each other and how those things are different, and reflect different and unequal levels of power and privilege, and how a lot of the entries in this particular bracket are tied into the specific way dudes can treat ladies badly, and I thought about how how lad mag version of this would go, and the resulting mental picture was just unbelievably wince-inducing and depressing and jesus guys, I want to say, jesus christ guys, these terrible things you're saying are reinforcing structures that are bad for everybody


Oh come on. Women say horrible stuff to guys, too.
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 4:51 PM on September 15, 2011 [2 favorites]




They need to make a horrible things fathers say list. It could include things like:

"Happy birthday kid2" (when he was actually talking to kid1).

Or "I'll pick you up at 6" (and then never show -- lots of variations on this one).


My favorite is 'what have YOU accomplished?' said when I was about 13. And every year after.

Also the assumption that the only reason I'm not a best-selling novelist is because I'm lazy.
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 4:56 PM on September 15, 2011


oh man, I just had a break up from a guy who had a constant litany of complaints about me. They ranged from my bike is weird (it's an old Shwinn girls bike, he does not even ride a bike) to the shape of my nails is wrong, with so much in between. The list was kind of endless, but I was broken up about the break up. Now, a few weeks later, after wondering why I was even with him for two months, I realized it's because he's my type. I lurve the dudes who put me down.

Now guess what my dad did my whole childhood.
posted by Belle O'Cosity at 8:16 PM on September 15, 2011 [3 favorites]


Being told you are built like a brick....um...house is actually high praise. It means top of the line.....thing about it a bit and it will make sense.

Oh, trust me, this was someone unfamiliar with the work of the Commodores.

"UK usage-

A very big person, normally male who is as broad as he is tall yet carries very little fat. Not the sort of person you would willingly upset.

Term comes from the large brick built outside toilets once common in working class areas of the UK."

He also wanted to nickname my breasts 'Pinky' and 'Perky'. We didn't go out together for very long.
posted by mippy at 3:46 AM on September 16, 2011


She shit ... out of anger? Like got mad and just dropped a load right there? That's horrible.
posted by I am the Walrus at 4:02 PM on September 15 [14 favorites +] [!]


No no, that was my 4th wife, aside from the spastic colon, she was a delight. I called her "Plopsy". Sadly she was killed in an unfortunate dirigible mishap.

Mourn ya til I join ya, Plopsy.
posted by Uther Bentrazor at 6:05 AM on September 16, 2011 [3 favorites]


I had an ex happily explain that he'd never been in a relationship where the sex was "so unimportant!"
I think he was trying to say he liked other things about us too...
posted by Zorsha at 7:29 AM on September 16, 2011


Take off your pants - I got chocolate milk!

That line would SO work on me.


The first half of that line is all the invitation I ever need ...
posted by mrgrimm at 10:33 AM on September 16, 2011


Gems from my mom:

Mom: I think you're a whore.
Me: ... I'm a virgin.
Mom: You can be a virgin and still be a whore.

Mom: I think you're going to beat your children when you grow up.

Mom: This [getting a tattoo] is the worst thing any of my kids have ever done.
Me: What about [sister] getting pregnant at sixteen?
Mom: No. This is worse.

To be fair, my mom is a wonderful person and I love her to death. She just doesn't have a very good brain-to-mouth filter.
posted by cereselle at 11:39 AM on September 16, 2011


What does number 21 mean? I can't think of an explanation that's not deeply horrifying.
posted by roll truck roll at 2:11 PM on September 16, 2011


On the significant other list? The guy was implying that she had too much pubic hair.
posted by griphus at 2:13 PM on September 16, 2011


Oh. Thanks.
posted by roll truck roll at 2:15 PM on September 16, 2011


In my neck of the woods (The south) being built like a brick house is the equivalent of being a really stacked woman. I heard it in use long before the Commodores (once, when a young teen , directed at me, back when dinosaurs roamed the earth of course.)

It really and truly is a compliment, altho weird. But a lot of southern sayings are weird, so whatever.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 3:17 PM on September 16, 2011


I had an ex happily explain that he'd never been in a relationship where the sex was "so unimportant!"

This sounds kinda romantic to me.
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 5:27 PM on September 16, 2011 [2 favorites]


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