Dr. Conan T. Barbarian, Ph.D

September 15, 2011 9:51 PM

A new lecturer has joined the faculty of Trinity College: Dr. Conan T. Barbarian. Among the courses he will teach are "Vengeance for Beginners" and "Deciphering the Riddle of Steel."
posted by Chocolate Pickle (46 comments total)

Begin the quotes!
posted by TwelveTwo at 9:54 PM on September 15, 2011 [1 favorite]

Huh, the bit.ly link supposedly going to the archived page in fact goes to a Trinity 404 page. Disappointing.
posted by kenko at 9:56 PM on September 15, 2011

Trinity College in Dublin was spoofed Thursday when an unknown prankster posted an academic profile of its newest English lecturer: a certain Conan T. Barbarian, complete with Hollywood mug shot of a shirtless, sword-clad Arnold Schwarzenegger in his maiden film role

His first major film role was Hercules In New York.
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 10:06 PM on September 15, 2011 [3 favorites]

Google Cache
posted by dhens at 10:28 PM on September 15, 2011 [1 favorite]

Begin the quotes!

Aujourd’hui, maman est morte. Ou peut-être hier, je ne sais pas
posted by growabrain at 10:32 PM on September 15, 2011 [4 favorites]

His Ph.D thesis is titled "To Hear the Lamentation of Their Women: Constructions of Masculinity in Contemporary Zamoran Literature."

Oh yeah, total Engilsh Department inside job.
posted by formless at 10:33 PM on September 15, 2011 [31 favorites]

And, for posterity, and because I can't read the tiny font on the screencap in the article:

Long Room Hub Associate Professor in Hyborian Studies and Tyrant Slaying.

Dr Conan T. Barbarian was ripped from his mother's womb on the corpse-strewn battlefields of his war-torn homeland, Cimmeria, and has been preparing for academic life ever since. A firm believer in the dictum that "that which does not kill us makes us stronger," he took time out to avenge the death of his parents following a sojourn pursuing his strong interest in Post-Colonial theory at the Sorbonne. In between, he spent several years tethered to the fearsome "Wheel of Pain", time which he now feels helped provide him with the mental discipline and sado-masochistic proclivities necessary to sucessfully tackle contemporary critical theory. He completed his PhD, entitled "To Hear The Lamentation of Their Women: Constructions of Masculinity in Contemporary Zamoran Literature" at UCD and was appointed to the School of English in 2006, after sucessfully decapitating his predecessor during a bloody battle which will long be remembered in legend and song. In 2011/12, he will be teaching on the following courses: "The Relevance of Crom in the Modern World", "Theories of Literature", "Vengeance for Beginners", "Deciphering the Riddle of Steel" and "D.H. Lawrence". He strongly objects to the terms of the Croke Park agreement and the current trend for remaking 1980s films that he believes were perfectly good enough in the first place.

He is happy to hear from potential research students with an interest of any of these topics, but applicants should note that anyone found guilty of academic misconduct or weakness in the face of the enemy will be crucified as an example to the others.

Email: [e-mail]
posted by lesli212 at 10:36 PM on September 15, 2011 [22 favorites]

For those non-Hibernians among us who didn't know what the Croke Park agreement is: Wikipedia
posted by dhens at 10:37 PM on September 15, 2011 [1 favorite]

His first major film role was Hercules In New York.

Not to mention the brief walk-on cameo he did a few years later in Altman's "The Long Goodbye," which I found really surreal (it literally seems like Arnold wandered in from another movie) when I caught it a few nights ago on Netflix.
posted by Strange Interlude at 10:44 PM on September 15, 2011 [1 favorite]

LiB: "His first major film role was Hercules In New York."

A ripper of a movie it is too.

Brain-ripper, that is.

I had a mate once who's young son was a huge Arnie fan. Kid was maybe 5 or 6, and just loved Arnie in Conan, The Terminator, and Terminator 2. We used to go round on Saturday nights to drink and play cards and, this one Saturday night, Hercules in New York was on late-night TV. The little fella was all excited - Arnie's first movie! - and sat up, fighting against sleepiness 'til 11 o'clock or some totally inappropriate time, just to watch it.

Poor little guy ran to bed screaming as soon as Arnie opened his mouth. None of us knew that, bad in those early days, Arnie's accent was still so strong he had to be dubbed by some (comparatively) weedy-sounding guy.
posted by Pinback at 11:01 PM on September 15, 2011

He should insist that students address him as "Professor The Barbarian," Bill and Ted-style.
posted by RogerB at 11:07 PM on September 15, 2011 [3 favorites]

"You killed my mother! You killed my father, you killed my people! You took my father's sword. Good effort, but overall conclusion needed to be stronger; watch your referencing. B+."

"The due date was clear, as was the word limit! Contemplate this on the Tree of Woe!"
posted by obiwanwasabi at 11:43 PM on September 15, 2011 [24 favorites]

What is best in life?

A. To Crush Your Enemies
B. To See The Driven Before You
C. To Hear The Wailing & Lamentation .of Their Women
D. All of the above
posted by KingEdRa at 12:41 AM on September 16, 2011 [14 favorites]

There was a lecturer in Singapore called Chew Shit Fun. She became a bit of a meme. Then her official university staff page got pulled one day.
posted by uncanny hengeman at 1:32 AM on September 16, 2011

Nope, still around.
posted by shazzam at 2:25 AM on September 16, 2011

This is good.
posted by flippant at 2:39 AM on September 16, 2011

"...and D.H. Lawrence". How's that for a slice of fried gold?
posted by howfar at 2:56 AM on September 16, 2011 [3 favorites]

EXTRA CREDIT. 20 points. Please identify this symbol: Two snakes coming together, facing each other, but they're one. With a sun and a moon below. Black sun. Black moon.

50 points. Provide examples of where this standard or symbol appears.
posted by steef at 3:59 AM on September 16, 2011 [5 favorites]

which will long be remembered in legend and song.

They missed a golden opportunity for using "but that its a tale for another time."

^{Steef, I believe you're only missing the professor saying "Two snakes, like this!" then holding his arms out, fists facing each other, with an incredibly earnest look on his face.}
posted by Ghidorah at 4:21 AM on September 16, 2011 [1 favorite]

All I know about Conan is his famous battle cry: "My MMO was pretty okaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!"
posted by Uppity Pigeon #2 at 4:27 AM on September 16, 2011

...complete with Hollywood mug shot of a shirtless, sword-clad Arnold Schwarzenegger in his maiden film role.

And that's when I clicked back.
posted by Splunge at 4:38 AM on September 16, 2011

Ha ha ha. Yeah, become a celebrity, and everyone forgets your extensive anthropological, and geographical work from Stygia to the Pictish wilderness, Vendhya, and Hyrkania. Not to mention an extensive linguistic knowledge, and governing, strategic, leading, and seafaring* skills.

But no, all people remember is sinews of steel and a lithe body.

*includes Plundering as an advanced module.
posted by ersatz at 4:46 AM on September 16, 2011 [2 favorites]

Ersatz, does that qualify as a primordial world problem?
posted by lucien_reeve at 4:50 AM on September 16, 2011

Can't wait for his TED talk and the Malcom Gladwell piece on him in the New Yorker.
posted by Ironmouth at 4:50 AM on September 16, 2011 [2 favorites]

Does he also sing?
posted by exogenous at 5:08 AM on September 16, 2011 [1 favorite]

Tangentially, yesterday I saw a picture of Jason Momoa in costume on the set of the remake, smiling for the camera with a bunch of crew guys. I found it strangely disconcerting. Then I realized that I had only ever seen him savagely glowering.

This isn't that picture - which I couldn't find again - but it illustrates why he should smile more often.
posted by Trurl at 6:25 AM on September 16, 2011 [1 favorite]

I wrote Arnold Schwarzenegger a letter nearly three years ago and asked:

...[Do] you ever say "to crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of the women" anymore? I bet that would drive the Democrats absolutely nuts!

I signed it: Christopher "It's not a tumor!" Jorgensen

A year later I was diagnosed with a tumor. I'm not saying the two are related, but be careful when making fun of Conan.

Arnold sent me an autographed photo.
posted by cjorgensen at 7:00 AM on September 16, 2011 [5 favorites]

I see the forces of Set at work in the removal of his bio.
posted by yerfatma at 7:03 AM on September 16, 2011 [1 favorite]

Subotai, the TA: "He is Dr. Conan, Ph.D. He won't grade papers. So I grade papers for him."
posted by steef at 7:15 AM on September 16, 2011 [9 favorites]

Article: The latter refers to one of the most famously ridiculous lines from the film

What.

Ridiculous? Ridiculous?! There are no ridiculous lines in Conan the Barbarian! Someone should make some soup out of this writer.
posted by curious nu at 7:45 AM on September 16, 2011 [1 favorite]

Tuition to be paid with the heads of his enemies.
posted by IndigoJones at 7:57 AM on September 16, 2011 [1 favorite]

That's nothing compared to the works of brilliant rival Dr. Thulsa Doom.

Infidel Defilers: Toward a Lacanian Reading of the Asphyxiating Subject within the Locus of Sanguinary Ecology.

Who is Your Father if Not Me?: Oedipal Construction of the Psyche within Reciprocal Antagonisms.

The Hand that Holds It:An Archaeology of Military Hermeneutics as Hysterical Embodied Subjectivity.

What Grieves Me Most: Deconstructing the Ecstatic Experiential Mode in Reptilian Funerary Imagery.
posted by Kitty Stardust at 8:08 AM on September 16, 2011 [7 favorites]

Ha! A few weeks ago, my wife and I watched the Conan films, and I ended up posting the question "What is best in life?" to my Facebook/G+. I was very disappointed when not one person gave the correct "ridiculous" response, and instead, I got quite a few serious answers.
posted by mysterpigg at 8:31 AM on September 16, 2011

The T. stands for Tiberius
posted by BurnChao at 8:32 AM on September 16, 2011 [2 favorites]

Conan, what is best in life?

TENURE!
posted by KingEdRa at 8:55 AM on September 16, 2011 [15 favorites]

Awesome! I would be interested in both, Vengence for Beginners and The Riddle of Steel. I would also be interested in some remedial sword play.
posted by Gwynarra at 9:26 AM on September 16, 2011

Conan, what is best in life?

TENURE!

Differences between Canonical version and the above:

i) replace "Crush" with "Give really tepid post-tenure reviews for that verbal slight at the Dean's cocktail soiree"

and

ii) Replace "Wailing and Lamentations" with "that a Mid-life-affair with the pool guy, after one too many stories of how Grad Students These Days Just Don't Get It finally made them realize they have married an insufferable cliched bore, was started recently by".
posted by lalochezia at 9:31 AM on September 16, 2011 [1 favorite]

Ersatz, does that qualify as a primordial world problem?

I laughed at that, thanks. If the Picts ever try to overrun your settlements or the enemies of your king hire a Stygian wizard, send me a SASE and Conan will be on his way to help.
posted by ersatz at 9:33 AM on September 16, 2011

Can't wait for his TED talk

Towards a Barbarics of Love?
posted by Apropos of Something at 10:14 AM on September 16, 2011 [1 favorite]

...to tread the department chairs of the Earth beneath his sandalled feet.
posted by luvcraft at 11:22 AM on September 16, 2011 [2 favorites]

So Trinity will start displaying the Book of Kills?
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 5:14 PM on September 16, 2011 [2 favorites]

Awesome.
posted by bardic at 7:54 PM on September 16, 2011

holy hell, this is the most beautiful thing i have ever seen come out of nerdom.
posted by liza at 8:35 PM on September 16, 2011

Archaeology Of The Hyborian Age
posted by homunculus at 9:49 AM on September 17, 2011

What to watch instead of "Conan": "Solomon Kane" never got a theatrical or DVD release, but it's a much stronger movie than its big-budget brother
posted by homunculus at 12:14 PM on September 17, 2011

homunculus is right, Solomon Kane was a great film for Howard fans.
posted by howfar at 6:35 AM on September 19, 2011