...on a very related note, I was recently having an argument with my girlfriend about Archie. My contention was that there is no sentence or phrase in an Archie comic that ever ends with a simple full stop. It's always a question, an exclamation, an ellipses...
Can someone here either back me up, or shut me down by providing a counterexample? I looked through the first few pages of the tumblr above, and didn't find an exception to the rule... posted by FrereKhan at 4:24 AM on September 17, 2011 [2 favorites]
My contention was that there is no sentence or phrase in an Archie comic that ever ends with a simple full stop. It's always a question, an exclamation, an ellipses...... Can someone here either back me up, or shut me down by providing a counterexample?
Shit. Splat! With an exclamation mark. You're right. posted by twoleftfeet at 4:33 AM on September 17, 2011
I am totally the target audience for this kind of thing. I've seeen the "Batman's Greatest Boner" one a dozen times and it still makes me giggle. But this one I found a little one-note. It could have been called "It's Funny Because Buttsex". posted by Horace Rumpole at 4:44 AM on September 17, 2011 [3 favorites]
This is even better than the Garfield or Peanuts adaptions. There were always undertones of repressed sexuality in the Archie. Odd, considering one if its cartoonists, Hal Lindsey, was an evangelical christian who created this rapture comic, There's a Brave New World Coming [pdf]. posted by troll at 4:58 AM on September 17, 2011
there is no sentence or phrase in an Archie comic that ever ends with a simple full stop.
Never a reader of Archie, so apologies if this is insane, but many of these seemed to be the applause line to homoerotic/homophobic jokes (or maybe S&M). How wrong am I here? posted by angrycat at 5:04 AM on September 17, 2011
I give up. When the Archie comics do something weirder than I can think of there's no more reason to try. posted by twoleftfeet at 5:13 AM on September 17, 2011 [9 favorites]
I like Obama's beautifully shaped arched (unintentional pun) eyebrows on that cover. It's one part/'Good tastin' shake' and one part 'This is some fucked up shit right here.' posted by angrycat at 5:42 AM on September 17, 2011 [3 favorites]
Wow, I've been reading Archie comics since his car was just old, not a classic, and I never noticed the sentence endings. posted by tommasz at 6:49 AM on September 17, 2011 [1 favorite]
Never a reader of Archie, so apologies if this is insane, but many of these seemed to be the applause line to homoerotic/homophobic jokes (or maybe S&M). How wrong am I here?
To be fair, one of them insinuated a guy wants to be buttfucked by a bull. posted by nathancaswell at 6:54 AM on September 17, 2011
Batman's Greatest Boner for those wanting to read along at home.
Repressed sexuality & evangelical Christianity? You find this an odd pairing? Have you not been reading/watching the news for the last thirty years or so? (Not to mention it's been present in the entire history of Christianity in general, with Catholic priest pedophiles only one of the more recent & extreme examples.) Perhaps you were trying to be ironic? posted by Philofacts at 8:46 AM on September 17, 2011 [4 favorites]
The idea--of improving Archie with out-of-context dialog--is sound, but the execution falls flat. Too much "Teh ghey is so funny, amirite? LOLbutts," to appeal to me personally.
Honestly, I can't believe Archie comics have lasted this long. A few years and you run through the likeliest scenario:
Archie picks Veronica as his steady girlfriend (Betty is not really in the running, she's obviously squarely been in the Friend Zone since day one), because Veronica is hot, sexy and rich. He's a bit bothered by her lack of empathy for anyone less fortunate--but again, hot, sexy and rich! Archie's a teen in the little podunk town of Riverdale, and Veronica is his ticket out. How she actually ended up in Riverdale is the real question (I'm guessing Dad's hiding from the Feds after a little issue with tax-evasion and possibly fraud made life in NY uncomfortable). So Veronica dallies with Archie, but once the initial novelty and the thrill of the "I want him but I can't have him" wears off, so does her interest, and she dumps him. Betty steps in to scoop him up on the rebound, but it is short-lived.
Amidst that relationship drama, homophobic Moose dates Midge while he struggles with his sexuality, picking fights with any guy who looks twice at her in a misguided effort to battle feelings he knows his jock father just wouldn't understand. Frequently, the recipient of his worst abuse is Reggie, to whom he is secretly attracted. When his anger issues land him in trouble with the authorities, Moose opts for counseling over jail time. His therapy, and coming to terms with his sexuality, leads to Moose broken-heartedly breaking down one day one day, apologizing to Reggie for the way he has treated him and professing his attraction. Reggie surprises Moose by confessing his own kinky bent towards masochism and, happily, reciprocating Moose's affection. As Reggie's sexuality is more fluent and he is also attracted to Midge, she and Moose marry to keep up appearances for his family, while the group enjoy a happy, fulfilling polyamorous relationship, gradually incorporating Kevin Kelly into their household.
Meanwhile, after their disastrous breakup, Betty, frustrated for the last time by Archie's mixed signals and selfish manipulation of her feelings, leaves Riverdale, to enjoy a successful career as a television sports reporter in NY. She meets and marries Ted Mosby from "How I Met Your Mother," but that's another story.
After dumping Archie, Veronica becomes more involved in her father's business and eventually turns her sights on nerdish Dilton Doiley, shrewdly assessing his skills as potentially highly profitable in technology sector. Dilton, in turn, provides a stabilizing influence to Veronica's impulsive and occasionally self-sabotaging behavior. To everyone's surprise, the two are married in a tasteful, understated ceremony in Riverdale, quite uncharacteristic of the childish, material girl they once knew Veronica to be. With her help and her father's financial backing, Dilton makes good on their investment, successfully founding a start-up design firm, while Veronica handles the publicity and marketing side of things. When the firm goes public, she remains CFO while raising the couple's brilliant, beautiful fraternal twins.
Jughead, sadly, does not fare so well. Unsure what he wants to do with his life, the habitual pothead drifts aimlessly from job to job, eventually meeting up again with Archie. The two try to get the band back together, but don't do well, as Jughead lacks the discipline to work at it. Archie, though, finds his niche as a solo performer and enjoys a successful indie career as a musician. He goes through his own trials with drugs, graduating to cocaine and heroin and more than one bout in rehab before making a successful comeback album.
The perpetually irresponsible man-child Jughead ends up returning to Riverdale and marrying Ethel at this point mostly because he has simply run out of other options. He is worn out by life and clinically depressed. What might have been an ugly, bitter marriage is saved by Ethel's supportive, non-judgmental attitude (and an effective prescription for anti-depressants). Her unshakeable optimism mystifies the community, but Jughead breaks out of his funk and rallies. Alone one day while Ethel is at work, he sits down and begins to write. Once he has caught the bug, he can't stop, and pages fly from his fingers. Three years later, his personal, often brutal account of "Archie and the Gang: The Early Years" becomes a best-selling book in Riverdale; eventually it makes the NYTimes Bestseller's list.
Chuck Clayton is tagged to make a graphic novel of the account, while his former girlfriend Nancy Woods, who has now gone on to greener pastures but keeps in contact with her old flame, signs on for the film rights.
misha that was oddly satisfying to read. I'm glad everyone finds their way. posted by Taft at 10:30 AM on September 17, 2011 [3 favorites]
I don't think my Dad is every gonna get that version, Misha, but as Taft said, it was an oddly satisfying read. posted by infini at 11:03 AM on September 17, 2011
There's a big hole in your narrative about Arch, misha. Cheryl Blossom. The best of both Bettie and Veronica, and hotter than the two combined. She's rich like Veronica (perhaps not AS rich), kind and relatable like Bettie, but smarter, prettier, and more adventurous than either. Archie would opt for her for these reasons, and his need to chase that which is just out of reach. He'd always be able to chase her to the next surf spot, acting gig, carnival, or whatever the hell she does. Archie's devotion combined with Cheryl's narcissism and selective emotional availability could sustain them indefinitely.
I mean, seriously, who would have chosen Betty or Veronica over Cheryl? posted by cmoj at 11:10 AM on September 17, 2011
Hal Lindsey may have been a repressed Evangelical Christian, but Dan DeCarlo certainly wasn't. posted by TheWhiteSkull at 11:37 AM on September 17, 2011
How she actually ended up in Riverdale is the real question (I'm guessing Dad's hiding from the Feds after a little issue with tax-evasion and possibly fraud made life in NY uncomfortable).
I always figured Daddy's the stereotypical small-town old-money— a few generations back they owned the mill, or the mine, or whatever it was that made Riverdale a town and not a crossroads. Then a little unscrupulous business with the railroads, maybe some land speculation or wartime usury, maybe marrying into a less-rich but well-connected branch of the oligarchy from the big city, and there you are. posted by hattifattener at 11:59 AM on September 17, 2011 [3 favorites]
"I always figured Daddy's the stereotypical small-town old-money"
Hiram Lodge is probably distantly related to Henry Cabot Lodge and heads the Riverdale offshoot of that Boston Brahmin clan. Bob Montana apparently was acquainted with the Lodge family. posted by MikeMc at 12:29 PM on September 17, 2011 [1 favorite]
It occurs to me that I've put way too much thought into Archie this week. posted by MikeMc at 12:37 PM on September 17, 2011
I married Betty. I win the Internet. posted by obiwanwasabi at 3:55 PM on September 17, 2011
On the front page, I see 14 out of contexts comics. I only see three where the punch line would be "haha gay sex reference", whereas I see eight "haha straight sex reference", one "haha bondage reference", one "haha fart joke", and one "haha drug reference". All of them seem like the would be as equally funny (or not funny) if the characters involved were opposite sex. Meaning, I think the humor comes from the fact that they seem sexual at all. I think the punchlines are twelve "haha sex reference", one "haha fart joke", and one "haha drug reference". (I'm not agreeing or disagreeing that any of these are funny.) (apologies for counting errors. I've spent more time counting than typing, and I' still not sure about the numbers) posted by BurnChao at 7:27 PM on September 17, 2011
Archie's Gay Pal Kevin Keller is Getting Married. That means Archie is gay, right?
twoleftfeet, you are aware that it's possible for a straight guy to have gay friends, right? Or are you confused about the nonsexual implication of "pal"? posted by IAmBroom at 9:26 AM on September 18, 2011
posted by infini at 3:29 AM on September 17, 2011 [1 favorite]