September 24, 2001

10:13 AM

Al Qaeda to cut at least 5,000 jobs -- Citing worldwide reaction to last week's terrorist attacks, multi-national terror network Al Qaeda announced Thursday that it would lay off 5,000 or more holy warriors.
posted by andrewraff (16 comments total)

Okay, I laughed. "Well, we're still living in caves..."
posted by jaustinspace at 10:26 AM on September 24, 2001

... but they will be "leaner and meaner" from now on. :) Thanks for the link.
posted by brism at 10:38 AM on September 24, 2001

This should have been an Onion link...
posted by nofundy at 10:41 AM on September 24, 2001

I feel guilty about laughing as hard as I did reading this. Thanks.
posted by revbrian at 10:57 AM on September 24, 2001

At least the staff cuts for suicide bombers were based on seniority. That was funny.
posted by adampsyche at 11:20 AM on September 24, 2001

Good Arcane Stuff..

Check this out.

With the covert assistance of well-connected and wealthy terrorist leaders like Osama bin Laden, the Taliban has powerful and far-reaching capabilities.It will be no easy task for the United States and our allies to eliminate the Taliban entirely. On paper however, the armed forces and the resources of the Taliban are not very impressive. These include:

97 dollars in one-dollar bills.
476 dollars in change.
A special beard comb that doubles as a pudding cup for when someone's beard turns into pudding.
A totally radical wall hanging of Allah that glows under black lights.
Some Dragonball Z pogs they bought from ebay before they banned all computers, Dragonball Z pogs, and buying things.
A coffee mug that says "Back off, I'm working."
About five million Ak47s.
250 Stinger surface-to-air missiles that were a gift from the United States in the 80s.
A Hefty Jack frozen entrée.
A pair of pants that is almost three sizes too big.
A baseball cap with "Is pork, is beef, Islam!" embroidered on the front. The hat is banned and kept inside of a lead-lined bank vault.
A copy of "Field and Stream" magazine from 1996. A photograph of the Hosenecker three-grain flywheel is circled with black marker.
The bargain basement prices of "Crazy Ibrahim". "Crazy Ibrahim" is shackled to a wall in a cave and is frequently prodded with hot needles.

From http://www.somethingawful.com/
posted by Niahmas at 11:24 AM on September 24, 2001

nofundy, I agree, this is very Onion-like (Onion-ish? Onion-esque?), and pretty funny too.
posted by matteo at 11:24 AM on September 24, 2001

very funny.
posted by Atom Heart Mother at 11:47 AM on September 24, 2001

A good chuckle... a little heavy towards the end however.
posted by silusGROK at 11:57 AM on September 24, 2001

Hrm. It would be funny if it wern't so innacurite. The Pakistan government really has nothing to do with Al Queada
posted by delmoi at 12:33 PM on September 24, 2001

niahmus, i haven't laughed out loud like that in a while.
posted by lotsofno at 12:47 PM on September 24, 2001

Shouldn't this be on fuckedcountry.com?
posted by waxpancake at 2:37 PM on September 24, 2001

hahaha! i haven't laughed that hard in a while!
posted by mabelcolby at 4:13 PM on September 24, 2001

For Pete's sake, The Onion is not the be-all and end-all of news satire, as an item like this demonstrates. What kind of knee-jerk brandism are y'all practicing?

In related developments, the suicide bombers' union protested the cessation of dental benefits and contributions to pension plans. "As professionals our members always make every effort to perish in the course of their jobs, but the terror industry has always done business on the cheap, keeping training costs low, so not all our members have the skills they need to ensure a quick and painless death. These members will require lifelong dental care and retirement benefits, and brutal terror organizations like al"Qaida are cutting them off just like that. It's inhuman." Calls to the suicide pilots' union went unanswered.
posted by dhartung at 4:26 PM on September 24, 2001

Why exactly would they need to implement staff cuts? I mean, they're suicide terrorists, fer cripe's sake- shouldn't they just rely on attrition to reduce staffing?!?
posted by hincandenza at 4:41 PM on September 24, 2001

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
That's a keeper! Thanx, andrewraff .
posted by EricBrooksDotCom at 5:02 PM on September 24, 2001