Comments on: Comments on 10773

Post number 10773

andrewraff — Mon, 24 Sep 2001 10:13:30 -0800

Al Qaeda to cut at least 5,000 jobs -- Citing worldwide reaction to last week's terrorist attacks, multi-national terror network Al Qaeda announced Thursday that it would lay off 5,000 or more holy warriors.

By: jaustinspace

jaustinspace — Mon, 24 Sep 2001 10:26:23 -0800

Okay, I laughed. "Well, we're still living in caves..."

By: brism

brism — Mon, 24 Sep 2001 10:38:28 -0800

... but they will be "leaner and meaner" from now on. :) Thanks for the link.

By: nofundy

nofundy — Mon, 24 Sep 2001 10:41:03 -0800

This should have been an Onion link...

By: revbrian

revbrian — Mon, 24 Sep 2001 10:57:09 -0800

I feel guilty about laughing as hard as I did reading this. Thanks.

By: adampsyche

adampsyche — Mon, 24 Sep 2001 11:20:46 -0800

At least the staff cuts for suicide bombers were based on seniority. That was funny.

By: Niahmas

Niahmas — Mon, 24 Sep 2001 11:24:10 -0800

Good Arcane Stuff.. Check this out. With the covert assistance of well-connected and wealthy terrorist leaders like Osama bin Laden, the Taliban has powerful and far-reaching capabilities.It will be no easy task for the United States and our allies to eliminate the Taliban entirely. On paper however, the armed forces and the resources of the Taliban are not very impressive. These include: 97 dollars in one-dollar bills. 476 dollars in change. A special beard comb that doubles as a pudding cup for when someone's beard turns into pudding. A totally radical wall hanging of Allah that glows under black lights. Some Dragonball Z pogs they bought from ebay before they banned all computers, Dragonball Z pogs, and buying things. A coffee mug that says "Back off, I'm working." About five million Ak47s. 250 Stinger surface-to-air missiles that were a gift from the United States in the 80s. A Hefty Jack frozen entrée. A pair of pants that is almost three sizes too big. A baseball cap with "Is pork, is beef, Islam!" embroidered on the front. The hat is banned and kept inside of a lead-lined bank vault. A copy of "Field and Stream" magazine from 1996. A photograph of the Hosenecker three-grain flywheel is circled with black marker. The bargain basement prices of "Crazy Ibrahim". "Crazy Ibrahim" is shackled to a wall in a cave and is frequently prodded with hot needles. From http://www.somethingawful.com/

By: matteo

matteo — Mon, 24 Sep 2001 11:24:33 -0800

nofundy, I agree, this is very Onion-like (Onion-ish? Onion-esque?), and pretty funny too.

By: Atom Heart Mother

Atom Heart Mother — Mon, 24 Sep 2001 11:47:07 -0800

very funny.

By: silusGROK

silusGROK — Mon, 24 Sep 2001 11:57:22 -0800

A good chuckle... a little heavy towards the end however.

By: delmoi

delmoi — Mon, 24 Sep 2001 12:33:30 -0800

Hrm. It would be funny if it wern't so innacurite. The Pakistan government really has nothing to do with Al Queada

By: lotsofno

lotsofno — Mon, 24 Sep 2001 12:47:09 -0800

niahmus, i haven't laughed out loud like that in a while.

By: waxpancake

waxpancake — Mon, 24 Sep 2001 14:37:09 -0800

Shouldn't this be on fuckedcountry.com?

By: mabelcolby

mabelcolby — Mon, 24 Sep 2001 16:13:09 -0800

hahaha! i haven't laughed that hard in a while!

By: dhartung

dhartung — Mon, 24 Sep 2001 16:26:48 -0800

For Pete's sake, The Onion is not the be-all and end-all of news satire, as an item like this demonstrates. What kind of knee-jerk brandism are y'all practicing? In related developments, the suicide bombers' union protested the cessation of dental benefits and contributions to pension plans. "As professionals our members always make every effort to perish in the course of their jobs, but the terror industry has always done business on the cheap, keeping training costs low, so not all our members have the skills they need to ensure a quick and painless death. These members will require lifelong dental care and retirement benefits, and brutal terror organizations like al"Qaida are cutting them off just like that. It's inhuman." Calls to the suicide pilots' union went unanswered.

By: hincandenza

hincandenza — Mon, 24 Sep 2001 16:41:40 -0800

Why exactly would they need to implement staff cuts? I mean, they're suicide terrorists, fer cripe's sake- shouldn't they just rely on attrition to reduce staffing?!?

By: EricBrooksDotCom

EricBrooksDotCom — Mon, 24 Sep 2001 17:02:48 -0800

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! That's a keeper! Thanx, andrewraff .