Dinner Fights Back

October 9, 2011 8:51 AM

I am NOT gettting out of this car because I am SCARED of that TURKEY!
posted by Potomac Avenue (57 comments total)

This is why I always keep potatoes and gravy in my glove compartment.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 8:59 AM on October 9, 2011 [20 favorites]

The shots of it peering over the hood of the car toward the end are priceless.
posted by eugenen at 9:03 AM on October 9, 2011 [14 favorites]

This is why I carry scratch (for diversion), a jacket (to cover head/toss at bird if necessary) and a big case of "Don't you get all big tom on me, I'll EAT YOU."

Prissy city girls piss me off.

But here's Preston Pittman, champion caller, talking turkey.
posted by MonkeyToes at 9:07 AM on October 9, 2011 [4 favorites]

Reports indicate the name of this turkey is 'Cujo', so in my honest opinion this lady had every right and reasoning to beat a hasty retreat into the Bimmer.

Also, USPS workers are heroes.
posted by carsonb at 9:08 AM on October 9, 2011 [3 favorites]

That turkey just wants to be friends.
posted by Jumpin Jack Flash at 9:09 AM on October 9, 2011

I was expecting some wing flapping, some noise making, or maybe even some pecking. All it did was move after her when she ran away. It was probably looking for food, or something. I didn't really seem to attack her, to my mind.
posted by Solomon at 9:13 AM on October 9, 2011 [3 favorites]

Boy is she going to be useless when the zombies finally arrive.
posted by mygothlaundry at 9:15 AM on October 9, 2011 [38 favorites]

Turkeys ain't geese. Kick them, they will bugger off.
posted by Sternmeyer at 9:15 AM on October 9, 2011 [2 favorites]

Go AWAY
Go AWAY
AIIIIIIGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
posted by Potomac Avenue at 9:15 AM on October 9, 2011

At a certain point if you close your eyes it becomes impossible to tell which is the turkey and which is the woman.
posted by villanelles at dawn at 9:16 AM on October 9, 2011 [4 favorites]

Prissy city girls piss me off.

Hey, I resemble that remark.

I am sorry, but those huge-ass wild turkeys are fucking freaky. Birds are not supposed to be that big. I would much rather deal with muggers back in Chicago than with scary giant birds that wouldn't go away even if I gave them my wallet. Also, they have some nerve wandering around in front of my building right around Thanksgiving. I keep wanting to remind them that they could be dinner if they don't watch out, but I am too busy cowering inside my front door.
posted by craichead at 9:21 AM on October 9, 2011 [2 favorites]

Birds are not supposed to be that big.

They are supposed to be bigger but only the small ones survived the asteroid.
posted by stbalbach at 9:25 AM on October 9, 2011 [34 favorites]

In my perfect world, this video proceeds as follows: the turkey is able talk and is mumbling "I'm comin . . . comin to gitchya!" the entire time. After 40 seconds or so of that low-speed chase, the lady stumbles and falls and the turkey is upon her, tickling her furiously. The woman, laughing hysterically, faints from the trauma/excitement, at which point the turkey gets up, looks into the camera, looks around, then starts chasing someone else.
posted by (Arsenio) Hall and (Warren) Oates at 9:25 AM on October 9, 2011 [11 favorites]

I especially loved the part where the turkey looks in the side window, its head filling the frame and its eye adjusting in the light. I'm sorry the video cut out the part where the turkey's footsteps make the water in the cup vibrate. But real lost gems are the parts where the turkey smashes down from the car skylight then eats the guy on the toilet.
posted by bicyclefish at 9:26 AM on October 9, 2011 [6 favorites]

Wish I could edit this a little.
posted by 0xdeadc0de at 9:30 AM on October 9, 2011 [9 favorites]

Apparently she fails to realize that is infatuation--love at first sight. May take stalking to a new point. Through rain, wind, snow and wild turkeys the USPS delivers. I ask you--would Fed Ex have intervened.
posted by rmhsinc at 9:32 AM on October 9, 2011

".... Gra-a-a-a-a-a-ins ..."
posted by hank at 9:32 AM on October 9, 2011 [42 favorites]

We raise Chickens now for eggs but I will always remember Mrs. Groweler's first reaction to seeing turkeys up close: "Well I can see why we eat them."
Also "Turkey Love" sounds can keep me awake in the spring, so haunting.
posted by mrgroweler at 9:32 AM on October 9, 2011

It's just as afraid of you as OH SHIT LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THOSE DRUMSTICKS
posted by not_on_display at 9:35 AM on October 9, 2011

WHO'D LOOK GOOD OVEN BASTED NOW EH? EH? GOBBLE GOBBLE! EH? EH?
posted by PapaLobo at 9:40 AM on October 9, 2011

WHOSE STREETS? *gobblegobble* OUR STREETS! *gobblegobble*
posted by PlusDistance at 9:44 AM on October 9, 2011 [4 favorites]

This really begs for a Yakety Sax version.
posted by MegoSteve at 9:45 AM on October 9, 2011 [1 favorite]

When you live in area home to several groups of Jerk Ass Fucking Geese you learn the quickest thing to do when one is chasing your little brother around and snapping at him, is to unleash your biggest, baddest, hairiest mammal yell and start chasing it, throwing stuff and screaming " I AM THE APEX PREDATOR AROUND HERE!"
posted by The Whelk at 9:48 AM on October 9, 2011 [6 favorites]

ThanksKilling!
posted by sourwookie at 9:51 AM on October 9, 2011 [1 favorite]

Scenes like that are one of the many reasons why I always carry a machete.
posted by Horselover Phattie at 9:57 AM on October 9, 2011 [1 favorite]

Let's go for the trifecta: Turkey video, dubbed-in Jurassic Park sound effects, and "Ken's Theme" from Street Fighter II: Turbo.
posted by Smart Dalek at 9:58 AM on October 9, 2011

Scenes like this are one of the many reasons why I keep one of these with my turkeys.

Also, honey mailman don't give a shit.
posted by stet at 10:02 AM on October 9, 2011 [1 favorite]

YooouuuTuuube version.
posted by plastic_animals at 10:03 AM on October 9, 2011 [6 favorites]

That woman is dumber than a turkey.

You know if she was chasing the turkey that the turkey would have enough sense to put down the fucking camera.

I cry fowl on this one! Who keeps filming something that is terrorizing? It that had been a pack of feral pit bulls I doubt she'd've kept the camera rolling and kept the dogs center frame.
posted by cjorgensen at 10:08 AM on October 9, 2011

After being chased by a turkey on the walk to my mailbox, I have great respect for them. I love having them here - it's a privilege - but man oh man, they can be scary. After that event (I barely got in the door) I spent about a day surfing turkey videos and reading about them. The worst ones are the ones that are around people enough to lose their fear. Apparently, aggressive males will try to jump on your back if they can to show dominance. Their wings can also pack a mean punch and they can cut you with spurs. Some of the best advice to thwart this is to show dominance back - carry a walking stick or even an umbrella which you can open to appear bigger.

They can be menace to bicyclists, motorcyclists and they show no fear of most other vehicles (swearing in some videos, if you are at work. )

I am so sorry I do not have a photo of this - last winter, I heard a weird noise outside my house that I couldn't identify and I went window to window trying to figure out what the sound was but saw nothing. I opened the front door, and two turkey were standing there on the stoop looking at me like surreal Jehovah's witnesses. When I recounted this to the very witty taz via email, she dubbed them "avian ladies."
posted by madamjujujive at 10:11 AM on October 9, 2011 [17 favorites]

It's not a turkey, but a peacock once attacked my daughter, who was three at the time. It was one of the walking-around peacocks at the zoo, and we walked about eight feet past it to get to the bathroom, and it started walking towards her. We began backing away, and then it put its head out and down just like the turkey in the video did and RAN for her. I hit it in the head with my backpack, it reeled away and looked very confused, and one of the zoo handlers ran up and smacked in the face with some sort of heavy glove and then radioed for backup.

Apparently they'd had reports of this peacock being aggressive, but no actual zoo personnel had witnessed it, so they didn't know if it was genuinely aggressive or just a case of 11-year old assholes pulling its tail or something. So they put a tail (ha!) on the peacock and just followed it around all day. The zookeeper said that this was unacceptably aggressive behavior, that if I hadn't hit the peacock it might well have really hurt my daughter, and that the peacock was going to be, ah, sent away to live on a nice peacock farm.

It was really frightening -- you get used to animals wanting to leave well enough the hell alone, not putting their heads down and running straight at you. And a peacock weighs 8 to 13 pounds. A wild turkey weighs 16 to 24 pounds. I'd have been scared crapless in this lady's position.

Who keeps filming something that is terrorizing?

An experienced camera operator who has been trained to do exactly that, is who.
posted by KathrynT at 10:46 AM on October 9, 2011 [11 favorites]

This video shows that turkeys have quite the karate kick, with sharp blades on their feet no less.
posted by eye of newt at 11:12 AM on October 9, 2011

#occupythanksgiving.
posted by heeeraldo at 11:16 AM on October 9, 2011 [2 favorites]

I expected to see a whole lot of people amazed at her fear given all it's done is walk towards her. Seriously, lady needs to get out of the city more.
posted by imperium at 11:24 AM on October 9, 2011 [1 favorite]

Turkey for National Bird 2012!
posted by TwelveTwo at 11:32 AM on October 9, 2011 [1 favorite]

All I can think, as she talks to herself in the car and says she's not going to get out, is "Did she expect to interview him?"
posted by knile at 11:42 AM on October 9, 2011

Is this a teaser for the Blair Turkey Project?
posted by Xoebe at 12:24 PM on October 9, 2011 [1 favorite]

Seriously, lady needs to get out of the city more.
An oldie, but goodie in the same vein.
posted by PapaLobo at 12:48 PM on October 9, 2011

Be nice to yu turkey dis christmas
Invite dem indoors fe sum greens
Let dem eat cake an let dem partake
In a plate of organic grown beans,
Be nice to yu turkey dis christmas
An spare dem de cut of de knife,
Join Turkeys United an dey'll be delighted
An yu will mek new friends 'FOR LIFE'.

-- Benjamin Zephaniah
posted by falcon at 12:52 PM on October 9, 2011

As it turned out, Cloverfield II wasn't nearly as high budget as people were expecting.
posted by happyroach at 1:36 PM on October 9, 2011 [2 favorites]

I am SO sending this video as a response to the next email praising America's "brave pioneer spirit" I get from my crazy right-wing cousin.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 1:40 PM on October 9, 2011 [3 favorites]

Girls are silly.
posted by LarryC at 2:08 PM on October 9, 2011

Boy is she going to be useless when the zombies finally arrive.

This has become my primary matrix for assessing new acquaintances, as well as idly judging friends and coworkers.

I and the IT girl will be leaving behind an awful lot of zombie bait should the apocalypse arrive during the work week.
posted by elizardbits at 2:10 PM on October 9, 2011 [2 favorites]

She just blew a great chance for inter-species communication. What a twit.
posted by Hobgoblin at 2:46 PM on October 9, 2011

When I was single-digit age, my Dad used to walk me to the National Zoo in DC in the mornings. When they opened their "Valley Trail" section for American animals, one of the creatures there was a wild turkey. There must have been a flock of them, but I only remember this one male turkey, who lived on the wooded hillside where they later had whitetail deer, just opposite the river otters.

It was the damnedest thing. Every time I went there and stood in front of the turkey's fence, he'd come down, look me in the eye, and start to change colour. His blue-purple head would get pinkish, the bit of comb that hung over his beak would go red and stand on end, and he'd fluff out his tailfeathers and promenade back and forth, dragging his wingtips in lordly manner and glancing meaningfully at me. Since I was seven-ish and he was standing uphill from me, he had the advantage of height.

Being the kind of child who read a lot of nature books and watched David Attenborough avidly, I knew just what was going on. "Dad! Dad!!" I exclaimed at full seven-year-old volume. "He's putting on a mating display for me!" To which Dad would respond by going pale, saying something like "Gnrghgl," checking for onlookers, and leading me hastily away.

All of which is to say that that turkey's intentions toward the lady reporter may not have been entirely, er, honourable. She was probably right to flee.

(Farewell, lust-stricken Zoo turkey. I hope you found true love before someone or something ate you.)
posted by Pallas Athena at 3:21 PM on October 9, 2011 [9 favorites]

My turkey story which I posted previously is actually somewhat similar to this.

The only time I can think of where I really felt menaced by an animal was a turkey on a friends farm. I think it was the first time I'd ever really encountered one alive and in the flesh. I got out of the car and it charged me; I suddenly realized that when they are not cooked and still have all their bits attached, they are really big birds. I backed off quickly and almost retreated to my car when I realized what was going on...

The farm dog, a big lab/ golden retriever/ moose, bounded out of the house to greet me, and suddenly started chasing around the bird, then in a remarkable turn of events, started running away from it as well; they were great friends and were playing. I suddenly realized that the turkey wasn't charging me, it was running to me for food/ love. Every human that it had encountered, up to that point, was a food/ head skritchy giver.

I thought it was sweet.

Until I found out that it was a 'yearly pet', meaning one that they raise, care for, and eventually eat.

Now I see wild ones wandering around my neighborhood, and I get mad because they never let me get close enough to get a really good photo. And let me tell you, wild turkey babys are something you want to see, they are absolutely adorable.
posted by quin at 4:43 PM on October 9, 2011 [3 favorites]

When my grandmother used to cull her laying hens, she would tie them up by their feet to the clothes line, then go down the line, slitting the throats of each (nearly cutting their heads off) leaving them to flop around and drain of blood. Once when I was 3, one was not securely tied, and ended up running around the yard a bit with it's head hanging on by a flap. It just happened to be more or less following me as I ran randomly about the yard. I was terrified it was coming after me!

That was the one and only time I was scared by poultry. City girl needs to toughen up and remember who eats who!
posted by pbrim at 5:09 PM on October 9, 2011

FFS...that turkey was being curious and social, not aggressive. It probably wanted a closer look at the camera. I grew up with turkeys and they love to check out new stuff, especially shiny stuff, and they love to follow people around.

They like to walk single file, so when I was a kid going off for a walk down the road near our farm there would be me, the dog, sometimes a cat or goat, and a string of six evenly-spaced turkeys strolling sedately behind me. They can be aggressive as they mature but they put on a whole swelling-up and feather-spreading display when they are surly which this turkey clearly was not doing.

Turkey's internal monologue; 'Hi lady, what is? Is shiny. Hi! Hi! Want look. Hi! Hi! Lady funny. Hi! Lady fast! Hi! Hi! Truck big. Hi! Lady very funny! Hi! Hi! Look a bug, bye!'
posted by moneyjane at 7:03 PM on October 9, 2011 [5 favorites]

Tonight I heard my husband call, "Hey wife, come out here," which, at our house, loosely translates as "oh, shit." I grabbed my shoes and a flashlight and lit out the door, only to find him standing there with his arms around the Royal Palm tom, whose talons were tightly wrapped around my husband's fingers. The turkey didn't struggle or say anything, just sort of...hung out. As it was well after roosting time, I figured that this tom had flopped over the fence and been unable to get back into the pen to settle down, but no, in fact, Mr. MonkeyToes had walked up to the bird on the wire, petted him for a while and then picked him up, which, I am told, "seemed like a good idea at the time." That sucker is BIG, and I got a really good look at his talons, which resemble miniature elephant tusks, off-white and curved and pointy at the end. His toes, like the bottoms of his legs, are pale pink and a combination of scaly and bumpy, as well as being disturbingly warm. I've seen him become Mr. Big Tail, and it is a thing of beauty, because it has been directed at the other turkeys. After this closeup, though, I'm happier than ever that he seems to like me.
posted by MonkeyToes at 7:28 PM on October 9, 2011 [4 favorites]

In my senior year of high school we lived in a neighborhood that was often visited by troops of giant turkeys, and my beautiful, charming, and abjectly cowardly dog -- a rather massy German Shepherd and wolf mix - would stand petrified whenever the turkeys walked by; front paws up on our four foot fence, eyes fixed on the turkeys, everything else absolutely immobile. I always thought she was sort of letting down the food chain, but it wasn't exactly as if I were jumping over the fence to greet them. I'm a guy who shamelessly ran away from a mad goat in central India, so I probably shouldn't judge this woman all that harshly.
posted by villanelles at dawn at 7:40 PM on October 9, 2011

Having lived in CA I laugh at people who dress all in camo and hide in the woods for days hoping to see the elusive wild turkey and perhaps, if they are extremely skilled and lucky, to shoot one and eat it for Thanksgiving dinner. In CA they wander in your front door off the lawn at time of year. Or so I've heard.
posted by fshgrl at 8:14 PM on October 9, 2011

Am I the only one who had a Blair Witch flashback during this video? Not only the shaky camera, but the woman's breathless fear as she described what was happening.

We have many different species of waterfowl living in the lakes around my house, but just last week we acquired a lone Canada goose. It looks like it might not be completely full grown, but even so, I'm not going near that thing. Geese are the psycho killers of the avian world.
posted by blurker at 8:48 PM on October 9, 2011 [1 favorite]

A lot of hunters wish they had her luck!
posted by Katjusa Roquette at 9:20 PM on October 9, 2011

blurker: "Geese are the psycho killers of the avian world."

You're just saying that because they're omnivores with TEETH ON THEIR MOTHERFUCKING TONGUES!
posted by stet at 10:09 PM on October 9, 2011 [1 favorite]

I was going to say that I'd find it hard to be scared of anything that stupid but then I remembered George W. Bush.
posted by Decani at 3:19 AM on October 10, 2011

Go, Hokies!
posted by Benny Andajetz at 5:14 AM on October 10, 2011

I laugh at people who dress all in camo and hide in the woods for days hoping to see the elusive wild turkey and perhaps, if they are extremely skilled and lucky, to shoot one and eat it for Thanksgiving dinner. In CA they wander in your front door off the lawn at time of year.

I agree. Alabama turkeys are much, much smarter.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 10:40 AM on October 10, 2011