Put the smooth stone where?

October 11, 2011 8:42 PM

Ridiculous Tips For A Miserable Sex Life: Each month like clockwork, men's and women's magazines hit the newstands, bursting with terrible sex and dating advice. And each month, we pick out the stupidest tips and make fun of them.
posted by The Whelk (102 comments total)

Alternate title " Every time you write something like this, another bro-com starring Seann William Scott called Bitches Be Crazy gets the green-light."
posted by The Whelk at 8:45 PM on October 11, 2011 [17 favorites]

Damn, I have been taking notes from these magazine sex-advice articles for years... apparently for nothing!
posted by greenhornet at 8:49 PM on October 11, 2011 [1 favorite]

The best sex advice I ever got was in Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid:

Juliet Forrest: If you need me, just call. You know how to dial, don't you? You just put your finger in the hole and make tiny little circles.
posted by KokuRyu at 8:53 PM on October 11, 2011 [32 favorites]

And each month, I slaughter a goat and drink its hot living blood for the glory of Mammon. You'll never guess what his favorite burnt offering is!
posted by swift at 8:54 PM on October 11, 2011 [9 favorites]

A friend has a copy of that issue of Maxim mentioned in the latest post. While the sex tips are funny, there is actually a blurb on the cover that reads A POLAR BEAR ATE MY HEAD. Wow, but you got better, right?
posted by JHarris at 9:00 PM on October 11, 2011 [7 favorites]

From the August article: In fact, I just quoted it so I could say Guelph! (Guh-welf!) What the fuck is that, the Cambridge of Southwestern Ontario?

No, the Cambridge of Southwestern Ontario is just the fuck southwest of Guelph.
posted by yellowbinder at 9:02 PM on October 11, 2011 [10 favorites]

See also The Pervocracy's Cosmocking series! I have been banned from reading the sex tips quoted therein out loud to my partner because they are "too awful even to laugh about".
posted by bewilderbeast at 9:03 PM on October 11, 2011 [8 favorites]

I wonder who actually still reads Cosmo anymore? Not the demo they think they want but the actual, who has a subscription numbers. Since people aren't inventing brand new sex tequenines every two years, I suspect it's a bit like the early days of comics where they assumed the readership would turn over every three years or so and they just start again repeating the same basic stuff.

Like my Mom is the only person I know who actually has magazine subscriptions and that's to Vouge and Rolling Stone for the the pretty pretty pictures and Matt Tabbii, respectfully.
posted by The Whelk at 9:06 PM on October 11, 2011 [3 favorites]

Tequenines?
posted by Mister Moofoo at 9:08 PM on October 11, 2011 [3 favorites]

They are super hot.
posted by The Whelk at 9:09 PM on October 11, 2011 [2 favorites]

My sexual tequenines are like a gun, fully loaded, ready to shoot, on a hair trigger, baby. Don't even have a safety. They're a semi-automatic handgun of love.
posted by kaibutsu at 9:17 PM on October 11, 2011 [2 favorites]

I wonder who actually still reads Cosmo anymore? Not the demo they think they want but the actual, who has a subscription numbers.

In my experience, high school girls. I probably haven't touched one since 10th grade or so. I wasn't actually doing any of the things they talked about, but it all sounded very adult and exciting. When you're growing up it's more fun to read about people slightly older than you than people your own age (see also Seventeen, all of the readers of which are more like 10-13).
posted by naoko at 9:18 PM on October 11, 2011 [6 favorites]

"Kissing someone is an emotional thing, and asking [permission] diverts it into a cognitive realm instead... Women hate that."

OK, that is just entirely incorrect. In the right circumstances asking "Can I kiss you?" is disarming. Sweet and charming.



A POLAR BEAR ATE MY HEAD


TOTALLY WORTHLESS without the appropriate Mort Kunstler illustration.
posted by louche mustachio at 9:20 PM on October 11, 2011 [8 favorites]

How else will I know what my va-jay-jay is dying to tell me?
posted by Horselover Phattie at 9:23 PM on October 11, 2011 [2 favorites]

I figured something like that, Kaibutsu. Like maybe the Portuguese word for little tiny baby handguns.
posted by Mister Moofoo at 9:24 PM on October 11, 2011

And finally, looking to reward him? "Give him a beer facial — the combination of the egg white and the yeast in the hops hydrates and improves skin elasticity...but you can just tell him that your lips can't resist his delicious, beer-flavored face." In fact, please say exactly that: "My lips can't resist your delicious beer-flavored face."

posted by The Whelk at 9:25 PM on October 11, 2011 [7 favorites]

Advice I was given, which has stood me well: If it won't start, check the ignition killswitch, fuel, an sparkplug, then grip the throttle about a quarter open and use just a little bit of choke or enrichener. Prime with three swift kicks, then with the lever just over top dead centre stand up and give it a great big stroke. Happy riding!
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 9:25 PM on October 11, 2011 [28 favorites]

Each month like clockwork, men's and women's magazines hit the newstands

Of course they do. They are monthly magazines.
posted by munchingzombie at 9:28 PM on October 11, 2011 [6 favorites]

I heard second-hand about an actual tip that Cosmo suggested within the past year. But before I quote it -- women, brace yourselves.

...They actually suggested a woman try mushing up a banana and inserting it inside her vagina and then letting her man fuck her with the fruit inside her. Here is the exact quote: "A mashed banana or peaches inserted in your vagina is a delightful invitation for him to whoosh his penis around in it! Once you climax, switch to 69 position for sweet afters."

Does the phrase "yeast infection" mean nothing to them?
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:35 PM on October 11, 2011 [37 favorites]

> I heard second-hand about an actual tip that Cosmo suggested within the past year.

Here's a bit more about that, including other weird food-sex conflations.
posted by Horselover Phattie at 9:38 PM on October 11, 2011 [2 favorites]

Does the phrase "yeast infection" mean nothing to them?

Did the next month's issue have a story on "how to get rid of yeast infections"?
posted by madcaptenor at 9:38 PM on October 11, 2011 [5 favorites]

I was really excited about this word "tequenine" that I had never seen before. :(
posted by threeants at 9:39 PM on October 11, 2011 [2 favorites]

That's funny because I sometimes like to use banana peels as a sort of cape, a la Bananaman, for my penis, and now I have something awesome to do with the actual banana as well!
posted by tumid dahlia at 9:40 PM on October 11, 2011 [16 favorites]

a la Bananaman

Because every penis just needs a Bill Oddie voiceover.

"Do, do, do the funky gibbon!"
posted by UbuRoivas at 9:43 PM on October 11, 2011 [5 favorites]

Mine's Brian Blessed.

HELLO.
posted by tumid dahlia at 9:46 PM on October 11, 2011 [11 favorites]

Yellowbinder, you horrible person. You actually made me click on the link and read (well skim) the article because your comment made me feel like I absolutely, positively needed to know why the heck Guelph even got mentioned in the first place, let alone Cambridge.
posted by sardonyx at 9:48 PM on October 11, 2011 [1 favorite]

In undergrad, I had a friend (she's still my friend, actually) named Kelly who did work-study in the mail room at my dorm, and who would distribute magazines sent to students no longer living there, amongst her friends, which is how I got a free "subscription" to Maxim for several months.

I'm sure I would think differently about it today, but in 2000, I was pleasantly surprised at how smart the magazine actually was, and how many ways it found to mock what it guessed were the preconceived notions of its target audience. One of the first things I read in it was something like "How To Start a Harem," where Step 1 was, "talk to your mother, because she's going to be the one finding and approving of all the ladies, and so she'll need to know your tastes."

I found it to be surprisingly subversive at the time. Eleven years later I'm sure all the other bullshit would turn me off of it, though. But talking to lesbians about how men can better please women seems like a solid idea to me in concept, and the website doesn't actually manage to shoot any of it down.
posted by Navelgazer at 9:53 PM on October 11, 2011

In the right circumstances asking "Can I kiss you?" is disarming. Sweet and charming.

I do not deny that this may be true for normal people. However...in college my boyfriend and I visited a friend whose campus had recently hosted this guy, and she was waxing rhapsodic about how always, always asking "can I kiss you?" was the greatest idea she had ever heard, and it was soooo respectful and romantic and really why would one ever do it any other way? (note: her experience with kissing was pretty limited) and my boyfriend and I (our support of respect and consent and all of those good things notwithstanding) were slightly dubious, and my boyfriend cautiously sidles up to me on the sofa, gives me the most guileless, puppy-dog-eyed face he can muster, and says shyly, "Can...can...can I kiss you?" And we both bowled over laughing while our friend looked on in horror and non-amusement. And of course because we couldn't let anything go, he had to repeat it multiple times with increasingly exaggerated "innocent" mannerisms, as our friend got more and more mad. "Can I kiss you?" probably remained a catchphrase of ours for months (we were really annoying). If anyone ever says "Can I kiss you?" to me I will probably have to restrain myself from laughing in his face, because I am completely incapable of taking it seriously ever again.

Re: bananas - ewwwww.
posted by naoko at 9:55 PM on October 11, 2011 [7 favorites]

Oh, I'm horrible because of that. This post sent me down the rabbit hole of Seventeen's embarrassing stories, where girls are always freaking out or getting their periods just as their crush walks by. I sent some of the more horrible ones to a friend, and when you called me horrible for a split second I thought I had posted those here. But no. MetaFilter is spared those. Tonight.
posted by yellowbinder at 9:56 PM on October 11, 2011 [1 favorite]

FHM actually used to be really cool and smart and funny and then suddenly, it wasn't. I also greatly enjoyed Loaded when I was 15-19.
posted by tumid dahlia at 9:56 PM on October 11, 2011

Jesus, the banana thing. With all that yeast you might as well add some hops and barley and brew some beer in there. Men love beer.
posted by en forme de poire at 10:01 PM on October 11, 2011 [8 favorites]

> Men love beer.

Goodness, man. Stop giving Cosmo ideas for pussy liqueur.
posted by Horselover Phattie at 10:02 PM on October 11, 2011 [6 favorites]

With all that yeast you might as well add some hops and barley and brew some beer in there. Men love beer.

"My lips can't resist your delicious beer-flavored...um...can I kiss you?"
posted by Mister Moofoo at 10:07 PM on October 11, 2011 [22 favorites]

"You know what else is funny? Sex. It's so earnest, so awkward, so often unintentionally frog-like."

I lol'd.
posted by midmarch snowman at 10:14 PM on October 11, 2011 [3 favorites]

The phrase whoosh his penis around is making me laugh in a surprised way.

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH.

It's like a bobsled!
posted by thehmsbeagle at 10:21 PM on October 11, 2011 [10 favorites]

In the right circumstances asking "Can I kiss you?" is disarming. Sweet and charming.

Ah! But know those right circumstances! That's kinda asking a lot of a teenage boy.

Case in point, growing up in the South I still call everyone Sir and Ma'am, refuse to let dates open the door to my car for themselves, and thought it was romantic to ask for a first kiss. One of my high school girlfriend bragged on our first kiss the entire time we dated.

A girl I dated briefly a couple years later in college got the same treatment and waited all of a week before confiding in me that asking for a kiss pretty much gave her the female equivalent of a "de'rection" the night we first hooked up.
posted by midmarch snowman at 10:24 PM on October 11, 2011 [1 favorite]

I'm so happy I'm not alone in my love for these! When I posted it to metachat it only got a couple comments and I was a tiny bit concerned for everyone's genital safety.

I usually don't like College Humor, but this is similarly hilarious. #7 is my favorite.
posted by monkeys with typewriters at 10:30 PM on October 11, 2011 [1 favorite]

"Women want a man with steel balls," says R. Don Steele, without a hint of irony in his voice.

Right, I'm going to take advice from a man who's given himself the name "Hard-On Steel." What, was Hugh G. Rection already taken?
posted by Harvey Kilobit at 10:31 PM on October 11, 2011 [23 favorites]

Well yellowbinder, you just made me very, very happy that I'm well past my Seventeen reading days. Apparently the magazine has changed a lot since my time. But I still feel dirty for even having skimmed the Cosmo tips.
posted by sardonyx at 10:32 PM on October 11, 2011

Wow. That Cosmo tip with the banana is like something kids would come up with trying to impress each other with REAL SEX KNOWLEDGE (do they still do that, or has the internet kind of destroyed that awkward weirdness?). ))<>(( indeed.

So... I guess my point is Cosmo is trying to have a laugh at people who are curious about sex maybe? So it's like Weekly World News?
posted by mccarty.tim at 10:37 PM on October 11, 2011 [2 favorites]

Ridiculous "tips", you say?
posted by readyfreddy at 10:44 PM on October 11, 2011 [2 favorites]

....how do you get the banana out?
posted by TheKM at 10:58 PM on October 11, 2011 [4 favorites]

7 Sex Tips from Cosmo That Will Put You in the Hospital
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 10:59 PM on October 11, 2011 [2 favorites]

...They actually suggested a woman try mushing up a banana and inserting it inside her vagina and then letting her man fuck her with the fruit inside her. Here is the exact quote: "A mashed banana or peaches inserted in your vagina is a delightful invitation for him to whoosh his penis around in it! Once you climax, switch to 69 position for sweet afters."

Does the phrase "yeast infection" mean nothing to them?

Paging the Fruit Fucker 2000
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 11:00 PM on October 11, 2011

> 7 Sex Tips from Cosmo That Will Put You in the Hospital

Those evoke sympathetic sensations of pain. I wonder if anyone's tried to sue Cosmo after having a penile fracture caused by an ignorant reader.
posted by Horselover Phattie at 11:05 PM on October 11, 2011 [1 favorite]

Cosmo earned feminist cred when Nerve.com was leaking from Dad's dick.
posted by Ideefixe at 11:05 PM on October 11, 2011

"Swiping on some lip gloss even if you two are just running Sunday errands. We're not clutching our pearls and insisting you do up your whole face, but a little touch-up isn't exactly going to set back the whole feminist movement or anything."

I do this. But that's because lip gloss/chapstick is apparently addictive (according to Cracked).
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 11:11 PM on October 11, 2011

After she's attempted to bite your nutsack, yanked out your pubic hairs and rattled your balls like she's working a craps table, it'll be sweet relief to have the woman merely grab your boner and steer it around while making "BEEP BOOP" video game noises with her mouth.

Hard to argue with that.
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 11:34 PM on October 11, 2011 [9 favorites]

I've been stuck in waiting rooms plenty in my life with nothing but Cosmo to read, and I have. And the impression I overwhelmingly come away with is "Your boyfriend should never want to change, unless you instruct him to." Now, I know that none of the intelligent ladies that populate Metafilter would ever humour such an absurd notion, but the trick is, there are women out there who truly believe this.
posted by tumid dahlia at 12:23 AM on October 12, 2011

This thread is one of the funniest goddamned things I've read in ages, and I'm positively breathless with guffawing!

But I can't believe no one else apparently noticed this unintentional (?) gem from naoko, which I quote without further comment, except to note that it's what really started me off laughing so hard my giggle sounds like Howie Mandel's "Bobby" character.

I wonder who actually still reads Cosmo anymore? Not the demo they think they want but the actual, who has a subscription numbers.

naoko: In my experience, high school girls. I probably haven't touched one since 10th grade or so.

posted by hincandenza at 12:48 AM on October 12, 2011 [18 favorites]

We're not clutching our pearls

Why not? You've suggested everything else.
posted by Spatch at 1:21 AM on October 12, 2011 [2 favorites]

Pussy liqueur?

I hardly know her!
posted by CautionToTheWind at 1:44 AM on October 12, 2011 [2 favorites]

You know what else happens once a month like clockwork?

That's right - Hitler.
posted by obiwanwasabi at 2:12 AM on October 12, 2011 [5 favorites]

You know what else is funny? Sex. It's so earnest, so awkward, so often unintentionally frog-like.

As Emily Dickinson pointed out, frogs are public. This is of course well-known to subscribers of Admiring Bog Magazine.
posted by JHarris at 2:20 AM on October 12, 2011 [2 favorites]

"You want the Sudetenland? Go ahead & take it, it's all yours! Would you like Tim Tams & a hot water bottle with that as well?"
posted by UbuRoivas at 2:21 AM on October 12, 2011

pussy liqueur

Ah, Mr Bond, I've been expecting you.
posted by chavenet at 2:31 AM on October 12, 2011 [11 favorites]

A mashed banana or peaches inserted in your vagina is a delightful invitation for him to whoosh his penis around in it! Once you climax, switch to 69 position for sweet afters

NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.
posted by ShutterBun at 3:02 AM on October 12, 2011 [12 favorites]

"You want the Sudetenland? Go ahead & take it, it's all yours! Would you like Tim Tams & a hot water bottle with that as well?"

Yep, I read that in Burt Lancaster's voice from "Judgement at Nuremberg."
posted by ShutterBun at 3:08 AM on October 12, 2011 [1 favorite]

A friend of mine worked at Maxim for a while, and at the interview they asked him, "Your wife's not one of those feminists, is she? A lot of guys end up quitting because they're pussy-whipped by their wives who don't like the magazine."

He was like, "I am married to one of those feminists but I don't think she cares much about lad mags, she cares about journalists having paychecks."

They hired him but his manager constantly asked pointed questions about his wife, convinced she was going to make him quit any day now. The manager was a woman, btw.)
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 3:27 AM on October 12, 2011 [2 favorites]

A mashed banana or peaches inserted in your vagina is a delightful invitation for him to whoosh his penis around in it! Once you climax, switch to 69 position for sweet afters

If you don't have a sweet tooth, try avocado. Bring chips!
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 3:40 AM on October 12, 2011 [9 favorites]

Once you've sunk the Fleet, try a vigorous back door banana shag, scoop, layer with rum and serve with a licorice whip for our favorite pirate-themed cooldown cocktail.
posted by seanmpuckett at 3:57 AM on October 12, 2011

My wife used to buy Cosmo (for novelty purposes only), and she says the only useful advice it ever gave her was the bit about how when you're eating you're full ten minutes before you feel it.
posted by The Card Cheat at 4:07 AM on October 12, 2011

From monkeys with typewriters' link: See, #13 and #26 had given me the impression that you can only strip off little black dresses or work clothes. Thanks for clarifying, but perhaps the May issue could include a comprehensive list of clothes that are capable of being removed.

I snorted my tea.
posted by arcticseal at 4:44 AM on October 12, 2011 [2 favorites]

Aw, here you all go - A free subscription to Maxim for everyone! Years ago I found an online place to sign up for trade mags in my industry of choice at the time, and now I continually get offers for magazines like this, Latina, Lowrider, Jet, etc. In fact, I quickly found out that in signing up for Insurance Adjuster Monthly you actually have to opt out of Maxim and Jet, so for a while I was getting two or three copies of each.

Also, a while back Wifey forwarded me a NSFW website that has been adjusting Cosmo's sex-position suggestions, only to find out that there is no possible way for them to work in real life. NSFW, of course: one, two, three, four. No wonder we were failing at sexytime so badly.
posted by AzraelBrown at 4:46 AM on October 12, 2011 [1 favorite]

Presented with no irony adjacent to ads for Nerve personals.
posted by jdfan at 4:46 AM on October 12, 2011

You know how a lot of women hatehatehate the word "moist"?

Apparently my trigger is "sweet afters." I just never knew before. Ew. Ew. Ew.
posted by psoas at 4:53 AM on October 12, 2011 [2 favorites]

A POLAR BEAR ATE MY HEAD.

Cosplay finally hits Cosmo!
posted by spitbull at 4:56 AM on October 12, 2011 [1 favorite]

A mashed banana or peaches inserted in your vagina is a delightful invitation for him to whoosh his penis around in it!

"whoosh his penis around in it"? Look, t's not a food processor or a mixed drink.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:03 AM on October 12, 2011 [3 favorites]

...yet, but genetic engineers are working frantically on the martini-vagina virus.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 5:14 AM on October 12, 2011

I feel kind of bad that my comment pushes us out to 70. 69 was a much more appropriate number.
posted by TofuGolem at 5:21 AM on October 12, 2011

70 comments and no one has mentioned wrapping a scrunchie around their penis?? /posted while feeling sick after reading about bananas.
posted by bquarters at 5:58 AM on October 12, 2011

70 comments and no one has mentioned wrapping a scrunchie around their penis??

Why a scrunchie, does your penis's hair whip back and forth?
posted by Purposeful Grimace at 6:09 AM on October 12, 2011 [4 favorites]

I'm sure there's an Askme thread for that one....
posted by samsara at 6:10 AM on October 12, 2011 [1 favorite]

In fact, I just quoted it so I could say Guelph! (Guh-welf!) What the fuck is that, the Cambridge of Southwestern Ontario?

When I was an undergrad in southern Ontario, it was an article of faith that the party schools were those with names that sounded the most like onomatopoeia-based slang for vomit: Guelph, York, Brock.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 6:14 AM on October 12, 2011 [2 favorites]

Aw, here you all go - A free subscription to Maxim for everyone! 

I'm pretty sure that you just violated several EPA regulations there.
posted by Horselover Phattie at 6:17 AM on October 12, 2011 [1 favorite]

I read religiously-- religiously-- for several years, from about 14 to 18 because I wanted to appear a woman of the world. Seriously at 17 I longed to be 30. Two things that I remember (circa 1972):

If you want to look like a Jet Setter, grow your hair.

Men love smooth bottoms. Rub baby oil on your bottom every night.

So for years I grew my hair and rubbed oil on my bottom. It could have been worse-- I could have planned that my first sex act would include a banana.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 6:32 AM on October 12, 2011

Forgot to mention the link.

I was planning on bookmarking and chortling later but it isn't that amusing. There is very little mocking and more just sensible refutation. Which is OK but I don't need any sex tip advice at this stage in my life.

But thanks for all the other links you posted, guys. Some good stuff to waste away my morning.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 6:37 AM on October 12, 2011

That banana story is horrifying. HORRIFYING.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:09 AM on October 12, 2011 [2 favorites]

I believe all those advices are for people who hadn't had sex for a long time and will not have sex for a long time.
posted by kamil_antosiewicz at 7:31 AM on October 12, 2011 [1 favorite]

A mashed banana or peaches inserted in your vagina is a delightful invitation for him to whoosh his penis around in it!

Look, I appreciate the effort, but if this is delightful, I think I'm okay with just a sort of boring regular old invitation, you know?
posted by dixiecupdrinking at 8:12 AM on October 12, 2011

This isn't an area I have any personal experience with, perhaps surprisingly as a former 14-year-old boy. However, if your man is whooshing his penis around in mashed bananas or peaches, it is likely due to a lack of a real vagina in which to do so. You have a competitive advantage over those fruits, ladies, don't sell yourself short here.
posted by dixiecupdrinking at 8:19 AM on October 12, 2011 [11 favorites]

Oh god, bananas! When I was a teenager, I convinced my girlfriend it would be fun to play with a banana. I didn't mash it up, but I did peel it first, thinking it would be more pleasurable. Needless to say, the half hour it took to remove the broken off piece of fruit was less than pleasurable. At one point, I was trying to get her to push it out like a baby while she cried for me to get it out of her. No yeast infection though... so, success!
posted by orme at 8:55 AM on October 12, 2011 [4 favorites]

I have to agree that, even though I'm a big fan of the lady-parts, if I were to encounter a set that had been pre-filled with homemade baby food, well. I would be disappoint.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 9:08 AM on October 12, 2011 [1 favorite]

NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.NO.

Your lips say "no", but your eyes say "read my lips."

(fraiser quote, couldn't help myself)
posted by usagizero at 9:18 AM on October 12, 2011 [2 favorites]

But I can't believe no one else apparently noticed this unintentional (?) gem from naoko, which I quote without further comment, except to note that it's what really started me off laughing so hard my giggle sounds like Howie Mandel's "Bobby" character.
naoko: In my experience, high school girls. I probably haven't touched one since 10th grade or so.

Unintentional indeed. Plus I haven't touched a high school girl since 12th grade.
posted by naoko at 9:50 AM on October 12, 2011 [2 favorites]

"It's time to introduce your breasts to your favorite vibrator... (how rude of your vadge to have hogged it all these years)."

VADGE

This word makes me feel ill. On the same level as 'panties', 'moist' and the thought of someone in bed with me calling me babe/baby.

A friend of mine tried the banana thing. It broke, inside her. As someone who has never eaten a banana due to the horrid visceral reaction I get to the smell and taste of the things, finding out about this almost made my hymen grow back.
posted by mippy at 9:53 AM on October 12, 2011 [1 favorite]

www.pornhub.com/video/search?search=banana

It's a thing, apparently.

Of course it's a thing, but I'd like to pretend it wasn't.
posted by Horselover Phattie at 10:01 AM on October 12, 2011

So for years I grew my hair and rubbed oil on my bottom. It could have been worse--

Indeed, you could have grown your bottom and rubbed baby oil on your hair.
posted by chavenet at 10:03 AM on October 12, 2011 [3 favorites]

This stuff makes the old Penthouse fuck letters look realistic and reasonable.
posted by QIbHom at 10:08 AM on October 12, 2011 [1 favorite]

Chavenet -- so that's what I've been doing wrong!
posted by jrochest at 10:37 AM on October 12, 2011

MetaFilter: You have a competitive advantage over those fruits
posted by vibrotronica at 11:21 AM on October 12, 2011 [1 favorite]

MetaFilter: We're not clutching our pearls and insisting you do up your whole face
posted by Splunge at 1:10 PM on October 12, 2011

More like, MetaFilter: it is likely due to a lack of a real vagina in which to do so
posted by dixiecupdrinking at 1:41 PM on October 12, 2011 [1 favorite]

Yeah, that's cringeworthy stuff, for sure.

Though I must point out that the word, "vajayjay" sounds like the name of a Motown group from the 70's. And "coochie" just reminds me too much of Charo.
posted by luckynerd at 5:59 PM on October 12, 2011

Because every penis just needs a Bill Oddie voiceover.

Bill Oddie... Bill Oddie... Put your hands all over my body...
posted by jonp72 at 8:15 PM on October 12, 2011

"Give your snoozing, sunbathing gal a fantastic tan line by draping your penis across her leg."

:)
posted by Flusty at 8:07 AM on October 13, 2011

"Give your snoozing, sunbathing gal a fantastic tan line by draping your penis across her leg."

...But....tanning takes time. Like, about a half hour minimum for such a "tan line" to show up. So in order to actually have this work the dude would have to hold totally still with his exposed dick out for about a half hour and he'd end up getting arrested for indecent exposure and I'm overthinking this way WAY too much, aren't I?
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:48 AM on October 13, 2011 [1 favorite]

EmpressCallipygos: "I'm overthinking this way WAY too much, aren't I?"

Always wear sunscreen.
posted by arcticseal at 10:38 AM on October 13, 2011

Though I must point out that the word, "vajayjay" sounds like the name of a Motown group from the 70's.

Metafilter Presents: Vajayjay... and the Pips
posted by jonp72 at 12:50 PM on October 13, 2011

Cosmo's advice must be facetious. That Cracked article points out that they suggest an Indian burn.
For your penis.
Jesus.
posted by Monochrome at 1:52 PM on October 16, 2011

As much as I love them, Cracked may not tell the truth all the time
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 3:31 PM on October 16, 2011

VADGE

This word makes me feel ill.

I actually find myself blushing slightly when I'm looking at a type book and stumble across VAG Rounded.

A friend of mine tried the banana thing.
Someone told me that she preferred bananas as they were more organic, but she had to take time to carve the knobbly end bit into something rounder. Even though we were dating at the time, this seemed like more information than was strictly necessary.
posted by Grangousier at 3:42 PM on October 16, 2011