Dear Me
October 19, 2011 7:21 PM   Subscribe

Dear Me -- celebrity letters to their younger selves. Stephen King, Gene Hackman, Gillian Anderson, James Belushi, Alice Cooper, John Waters, Sandra Bernhard, Hugh Jackman, Alan Cumming, and Kathleen Turner.
posted by hippybear (57 comments total) 20 users marked this as a favorite
 
This seems as good a place as any to mention that I love Gene Hackman.
posted by Trurl at 7:23 PM on October 19, 2011


Oo, who did Alan Cumming meet at the opening night party for "Titanic: The Musical"?
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:30 PM on October 19, 2011 [2 favorites]


I was wondering exactly that, TPS.
posted by rtha at 7:32 PM on October 19, 2011


Not nearly as cryptic as I would have hoped. I mean, if I had a chance to leave a letter for my sixteen year old self, it would have to have some sort of darkly hinted at moment in there somewhere.

Please, young me, work hard at school. Do the work. You'll get by fine even if you don't, but if you do the work, the possibilities are endless. Oh, and whatever you do, don't forget the toilet paper when you go out sightseeing in Hong Kong.
posted by Ghidorah at 7:34 PM on October 19, 2011 [2 favorites]


And thus having changed the timeline, none of them went on to be famous.
posted by bleep at 7:34 PM on October 19, 2011 [6 favorites]


WHY IS SCULLY BLONDE?
posted by roger ackroyd at 7:38 PM on October 19, 2011


"The word 'cocksucker' gets thrown around a lot."
posted by leotrotsky at 7:38 PM on October 19, 2011 [1 favorite]


Dear Me,
Get a credit card and pay $5 to become a member on metafilter.com right away. If not, you'd be stuck in Russia with no bank willing to give you a credit card.
Regards,
You
posted by vidur at 9:04 PM on October 19, 2011 [1 favorite]


And thus having changed the timeline, none of them went on to be famous.

What are you talking about? Who are these people?
posted by qxntpqbbbqxl at 9:18 PM on October 19, 2011 [3 favorites]


Dear 16yo self,
In the near future, everybody who counts is either gay or doesn't care. Really. And you're about three years from meeting the love of your life who, amazingly, feels the same way about you. Also, beg, borrow, or steal to buy as much stock in AAPL as you can so you can retire in luxury at 40 and build a secret lair in a volcano or something. Skip the self-destruct button, though.
posted by LastOfHisKind at 9:21 PM on October 19, 2011


And thus having changed the timeline, none of them went on to be famous.

Well, it's deeper than that, right? You don't know how any of the theoretical changes you may make will actually impact your life. That's the thing about making choices.
posted by alex_skazat at 9:37 PM on October 19, 2011


At 16 you know enough science fact and fiction to know that any information I can give you can't change events, so I know better than to tell you to buy a specific stock or bet on a specific sporting event.

I also know you're going to spend a long time being uncertain and worried about what's coming up in your future. Suffice to say, you'll generally continue to be uncertain and worried. This won't be a surprise to you.

However, since this is really more a note to my current self than to you, just remember that from here, you'll at least get this far reasonably well, and much better than you expected in some ways.

Keep calm and carry on.
posted by chimaera at 10:30 PM on October 19, 2011


Dear 16-Year-Old Afroblanco,

Quit eating acid every weekend, don't move to Hawaii, and stay the hell away from Crazy Liz.

That is all.

--J
posted by Afroblanco at 10:30 PM on October 19, 2011 [3 favorites]


Dear 16-year-old maxwelton:

1) You are terminally shy around women you would like to be involved with. The only escape from this is to face it head on. There is nothing more pathetic than nursing a crush. Just ask, everyone does it, it's not the end of the world. Do it early, if they say no, move on. I can list half a dozen women around you who would welcome your attention and who turn out to be really interesting people.

2) You mom is kind of crazy right now. What would really help to ameliorate this is getting good grades and helping out a bit, without the stupid attitude. Nothing in the rest of your life will have been as easy as getting As in high school for someone of your (not nearly as colossal as you imagine, but still good enough) intelligence. Be proactive, take the high road, and maybe some of the things you're still kind of sore about in the future could be avoided.

3) Re: point 1. The girl you carry a flame for is nice enough, but forgettable. Across the room is the girl you will look back on as the big missed opportunity in your life. Oh, you'll end up happy enough, but you'll always wonder. Live now so at 40 you don't end up wistful. She likes you, too.

4) Your talents are in graphic design and programming. Forget the English thing, the most writing you'll do in your life is half-comprehensible, typo-riddled comments on a "website" in the future.

5) A few push-ups wouldn't hurt.

Love,
posted by maxwelton at 10:49 PM on October 19, 2011 [1 favorite]


Dearest Gillian, I'm having to re-think our love--your taste in fonts is suspect. Toodles,
posted by maxwelton at 11:01 PM on October 19, 2011 [1 favorite]


Huh. Sixteen. Now that I think about it, it presents a massive quandry.

Dear 16-year-old Ghidorah,

In about three months or so, your uncle is going to talk to you about school, and how bad you're doing. He knows how bad things are at home, and he knows that you're really struggling. He's going to offer to let you move in with him and his family, so you can finish school on time, at one of the better schools in the country. If you say yes, you'll graduate on time, with much higher grades, and with a lot more stern encouragement at a time when it will do a lot more good, and quite possibly change you for the better. You'll probably be able to go to a much better university, and there's an excellent chance you'll have a pretty wonderful life.
Or, you could say no, full of yourself, angry at the offer, and defiantly claim you'll be fine on your own. You'll start going to school for a couple weeks, really trying, but then the bullying will get you down again, and you'll go through another absolutely miserable year, and your uncle will make the offer again.
The smart money would be on saying yes the first time, but if you do, it's almost certain you won't, by the time you're older, have seen large parts of Asia, lived in China for a year, or have been living in Japan for 12 years. You probably won't have married that wonderful woman, you probably won't have those two awesome cats, and you probably won't speak Japanese. Then again, you'll most likely have been home when your uncle passed away, and have been able to thank him properly for changing your life as much as he will. So, yeah, choose wisely.
And seriously, lose the weight and cut the hair. You'll be shaving your head by the time you're 20, and in a couple years, you'll be trying to convince people you just have a really high forehead.

Love,
Older, balder Ghidorah.
posted by Ghidorah at 11:38 PM on October 19, 2011


Dear 16 year old me,

It does get better, much better, and soon. Talk to women, they aren't nearly as unapproachable as you think. Don't freak out about the bad grades, they aren't everything.

Also, that Spring you spend in Paris in 1994 will change your life in unimaginable ways for the better.

Love,
Older me

P.S. Call your parents more, they worry.
posted by arcticseal at 11:50 PM on October 19, 2011


Dear 16 year-old me,
You have ADD. Go find a doctor who will give you Dexedrine. I know you don't care now, but we need to go to college. It's not too late to turn it around. We end up in computers, so skip all the ECE stuff.
Stay away from guys named Vic. Tony and Katie are going to break your heart, just try to move on, you didn't do anything to make that happen.
Also, you suck at backing up. Don't screw around while driving backward.
Love,
Me.
posted by ApathyGirl at 11:53 PM on October 19, 2011 [2 favorites]


What would Britney write to herself, I wonder?
posted by maxwelton at 12:13 AM on October 20, 2011


I love stuff like this. Dear 16-year old Nina,

Your mother is much, much sicker than you realize, and is going to die within a year. You might think about losing the attitude and watching some Game Show Network with her. Much later, you will have forgotten what her laugh sounds like, and that will make you sad. Fuck the homework - I know you want to get out of Tennessee SO BAD, but it can wait. Also, make sure you get her sausage gravy recipe, ask her who everyone is in her wedding photos, and tell her you love her. I know you do, and she knows you do, but it wouldn't hurt to say it more often.

People who mean well will suggest you go to counseling afterward. Listen to them, and deal with it now, instead of having to deal with it when you're 21, in school, and working three jobs.

Also, don't move to DC. I know it sounds so glam after growing up in the South, but you'll wind up hating it. Seriously. Do make sure you take a trip up to Richmond around 2004 or so, and root around Oregon Hill until you find a curly-haired drummer who thinks you look like a goddess. Marry him.

Good job with the sunscreen, though. We're aging wonderfully.

kisses,
N
posted by timetoevolve at 12:21 AM on October 20, 2011 [3 favorites]


I hate stuff like this.

I miss the days when narcissists kept it to themselves.
posted by Hickeystudio at 12:34 AM on October 20, 2011 [5 favorites]


Dear 16-year-old dirigibleboy,

I will only disappoint you. Sorry.
posted by dirigibleman at 12:36 AM on October 20, 2011 [4 favorites]


Dear 16-year old Arkhan.

It gets better. Mostly.
posted by ArkhanJG at 12:50 AM on October 20, 2011


p.s. Enjoy the goofy hairstyles while you can. Dad's hairline? Yeah. Sorry.
posted by ArkhanJG at 12:55 AM on October 20, 2011


Dear 16-year-old woodblock,

It'll take longer than you think to sort things out, but you're on the right track ... keep it up!
posted by woodblock100 at 1:38 AM on October 20, 2011


I hate things like this too, mostly because I know my sixteen-year-old self would take absolutely no comfort in such reassurances and advice.
posted by Gator at 1:43 AM on October 20, 2011


Dear 16-year old me,

Read up on aneurisms. And good luck convincing dad to do the USG.
PS Don't feel guilty if you fail, it'll screw you up.
posted by hat_eater at 3:45 AM on October 20, 2011


I always have trouble with these sorts of things because I don't live with a lot of regret. The thing about our lives is this—this moment, right now, where you are sitting here reading this, can only have happened if every single detail leading up to it was exactly what it was. Change it even microscopically and the whole path changes, and you essentially extinguish the life you have now. I'd be inclined to tell myself to take better care of my teeth and maybe not spend so much money on my MGB, but then I wouldn't have the life I have now, and it's a mighty good life. Had I taken the other turn, avoided some minor and major disasters, I wouldn't be surrounded by the people around me, and wouldn't have the bizarre, wonderful job I have, and wouldn't have any grasp of what I'd missed. My life is great, so I got here how I got here.

Besides, my 16 year old self was an arrogant, difficult, pretentious little know-it-all who would have been completely horrified by the life I live now, so he wouldn't listen anyway. You know better than anyone in the world at that age, as evolution has designed. Screw that little asshole—he's gotta take the long way around, just like I did.
posted by sonascope at 3:57 AM on October 20, 2011 [4 favorites]


And thus having changed the timeline, none of them went on to be famous.

Well this is the thing. All these people have been successful, so what meaningful advice could they give to their younger selves? Most of these letters are a version of 'you were right all along and you're going to prove it to the world.'

A more interesting exercise would be letters from complete failures, who started out with big dreams but ended up on the scrap heap. But no one cares about those people.
posted by Summer at 4:21 AM on October 20, 2011 [3 favorites]


Dear 16 year old Renoroc,

More pushups and situps, you fat fuck. Please. Eh, who are we kidding.

Also, as of 2011, still no robot prostitutes.

Peace out.
posted by Renoroc at 4:27 AM on October 20, 2011 [4 favorites]


Dear 16 year old self --

Your fascination and confusion and unrequited longing for friendship with the other guys is because you're gay. Yes, that's right. Know this now and save yourself another 6 years of pain and difficulty in your life.

Also, Jesus doesn't really hold any answers, only hateful self-judgement and unrealistic expectations. Or at least his followers do. It's okay to walk away. But try not to be such a shit about it that you alienate your parents.

Also, there is a lot better music out there than what you're listening to right now. Why not give some of it a chance?

-43 year old hippybear
posted by hippybear at 4:27 AM on October 20, 2011 [1 favorite]


A more interesting exercise would be letters from complete failures, who started out with big dreams but ended up on the scrap heap. But no one cares about those people.

That's what I was getting at with my curiosity about what Britney Spears would write herself. She had a ton of success, but would she advocate the same path given what else has gone down?

I wonder if most people with scrap-heap lives are resigned that is the way things work out, no matter what, or whether there is, indeed, something they wish they had done differently. Sometimes you end up on the heap even though you did everything "right."

As Sonascope notes, we are what we've experienced. Maybe if I heeded my advice to myself, I'd be absolutely miserable at age 44, despite "fixing" those things I look back on with a bit of regret.
posted by maxwelton at 4:38 AM on October 20, 2011


Also, as of 2011, still no robot prostitutes.

A Realdoll rental agency? I see some potential there!
posted by TedW at 5:11 AM on October 20, 2011


Dear 16 year-old CD—

Take your fucking antimalarials.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 5:26 AM on October 20, 2011


I'm pretty disappointed that at no time does Hugh Jackman geek out and mention that he BECOMES FUCKING WOLVERINE.
posted by zombieflanders at 5:42 AM on October 20, 2011 [4 favorites]


Dear 16-year-old me:

1. Write more, and pay more attention to the behind-the-scenes stuff. Acting isn't all it's cracked up to be, actually, but that rush you got when you read WAITING FOR GODOT and EQUUS (by the way, good job in writing to twelve-year-old me and getting her to do that) can be found backstage, too. Or back at the very beginning when you MAKE UP shit like that.

2. Speaking of which -- take a good, long look at EQUUS again. Now take a good, long look at the kind of theater that people ARE doing in your town. You're not losing parts because Kr is better and you suck -- you're losing parts because this is not what you're wired to do. You don't belong there, and you're right about not belonging there. And the kind of theater you REALLY want to to is waiting when you do get where you belong. It'll just be a couple more years; hang in there.

3. D is gay. Drop the crush and accept it.

4. It is okay to admit to yourself that K is a bitch because OH MY GOD ARE YOU KIDDING ME, she TOTALLY is.

5. I know how terrifying the Responsibility of driving feels now, but I can promise you that you will never, never, never get into an accident. You will also never get a ticket for driving. (Although -- speaking of legal violations -- there's a long shot you'll remember something 32 years in your future, but in case you do, don't forget to buy that ticket on the New Jersey Transit Light Rail. Seriously.)

6. I promise a boy will kiss you. The problem you're having isn't you, the problem is THEM. Seriously, take a good look at those guys -- are they REALLY your tribe? Really? You sure you want them kissing you anyway?

7. I also promise you will have sex. And what's more, you will totally dig it, and you will also kind of rock at it. You've actually got pretty good instincts already when it comes to picking guys. Although you could stand to be a BIT more quick to give up on guys who don't return your calls -- and a BIT more quick to assume that THEY'RE the ones who are screwed up, not you. Because they totally are.

8. P will come talk to you after church one day. Make sure you talk longer. And then GET HIS PHONE NUMBER or something.

9. I know you've known Kr since kindergarten. I am so sorry, but in a few years she is going to break your heart. But S is going to more than take her place, and C is as well. You will lose people you thought would be your friends forever. But other and worthier people will come along later.

10. Okay -- hanging on to relationships through "the tough times" is all noble and stuff. But make sure you don't do it to excess. It's okay to leave when it's been a year since you've had sex, or when there is physical violence.

11. Yes, you'll find out about the roses someday, but it's a lot better if I don't tell you now.

12. You're right about you being the family black sheep. But that doesn't mean you don't get to ask the shepherds for things if you need them.

13. You are absolutely right in your instincts to not use your credit card that much, no matter how much Dad tells you that you need to "build your credit." Don't forget to treat yourself now and then, but that caution is REALLY smart.

14. You are also absolutely right in your instincts to come to New York.

15. Buy some kind of piano or electric keyboard or something when you do go to college. You won't be entertaining anyone but yourself, but you'll be a lot happier.

16. For the love of God, learn how to take pride in yourself once in a while. Learn how to do things for you rather than just for other people. You do need other people to spur you on to do things, but don't do it only for their praise. Take pride in the stuff you do FOR YOUR OWN sake.

17. In a couple years from now -- speaking of someone spurring you to do things -- Kr is going to ask you to do something about nuclear war , and you absolutely should because it'll be a fascinating kick-ass big step towards you being you in two ways. The thing itself will be eventually something you think is lame, but the fact that you did it will be awesome, and one of those things you will always be a little proud of. But it will also mess with your head a little and make you think long and hard about mortality and destruction and chaos and terror, and how you will cope in them.

18. Speaking of which -- no, you will not die in a nuclear war. (The fact that there IS a 41-year-old self speaking to you probably made you figure that out, though.) But you will live through something just as horrifying up close, and it will mess you up for a while. You will survive, though. And what's more, one of those true friends will be someone whom you met at that same time.

19. It's okay to admit that you're really uneasy about having kids to the point that you probably won't. In about ten years the choice gets partially taken out of your hands anyway, so you can go ahead and blame it on that if you want. (Speaking of which -- on that day 10 years from now: Get him to take you to the hospital a little faster, because it's not gas and it's not an allergy to gorgonzola.)

20. Honestly, so much of what I've just told you, I could erase it all and simply say "so much of the angst and sadness you're feeling right now is simply because deep down you know that you are in the wrong place." This is not your true home, these are not your true friends, that is not your true calling, that is not your true faith, this is not your true tribe. When you get to your true place you will feel so much better about everything, to the point that you will totally change into the person you desperately want to be now. It'll just be two more years -- but your true home is indeed waiting for you. Hang in there.

Love,
Me

P.S. ...You will never look quite right with long hair, quite frankly.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:56 AM on October 20, 2011 [6 favorites]


WHY IS SCULLY BLONDE?

Anderson is actually naturally blonde. Hard to believe when the red does so much more for her, but true.

Dear 16-year-old Orange Swan,

Smarten up and stop muddling around in an introspective fog. Study. Start working on your assignments in advance rather than the night before. Write an hour a day. Read a mix of non-fiction and the newspapers instead of just fiction. Do some research on what you want to do, and be practical — consider not only what you'd like to do but whether the jobs exist and how well they pay. Then volunteer in that field all the way through school, so that by the time you hit the work force you'll have experience and contacts.

Your current boyfriend? He's gay, and kind of an oaf and he bores you anyway. Ditch him. The next one? He's gay as well. Cherish his friendship but don't fall in love with him, and don't fret about it because you won't be attracted to him either, and you just won't realize that on your own because you've had no sexual experience whatsoever. The guy you wanted so much when you were 15? He thought you were adorable and he fantasized about you. Someday he'll tell you this via something called Facebook and you'll wind up slamming your head repeatedly against your computer keyboard. As for that guy you'll like when you're 17? Just ask him out. If you don't ask him out, someday he'll tell you via something called Facebook that he thought you were a hottie and he would have loved to take you to prom and you'll wind up slamming your head repeatedly against your computer keyboard. Have some more confidence in yourself for heaven's sake. Guys don't think you're repulsive. You're just too shy and they ask out someone else who's more approachable because they've had a chance to get to know her and it's easier. Be friendly to them just as you would to a girl, and if they're interested they'll take you up on that in spades. Oh, and if a guy tells you that "he's not interested in a relationship right now", don't bother with him ever again. That's a euphemism for "I don't value you enough to make you a real part of my life and just want some no-strings sex, after which I'll never call you or want to see you again, and claim you have no reason to resent that because hey! I was honest!".

A note about female friends — you really do need to be just as careful about whom you're friends with as you would be about whom you date. Don't make friends with someone who screams at you for disagreeing with her or who tries to one-up you all the time to boost her own ego or who expects you to serve her every need and whim while resenting you asking her for the slightest favour. You'd never tolerate that from a guy, so don't take it from a girl.

You're good with money, but there's room for improvement. Don't buy things based on some grand idea you've got in your head because you won't end up using them. Be practical, comparison shop, buy your most needed items first. Find some good thrift shops and shop there — they aren't all like the nasty ones you've seen. Make sure you're not too hardline about your budgeting — strike a balance between quality of life in the present and putting money away for the future.

Stop trying to wear bangs or long hair, and don't ever perm your hair again. Mousse and layers are the key for you. Don't wear black — you're an autumn. Don't wear turtlenecks. Get yourself some decent bras and wear items, especially tops, that fit properly, and stop being so embarrassed about the twins. No, you are not twenty pounds overweight — the charts are bullshit and your mother is so tiny she doesn't get that what sounds like a high weight to her is just fine for you. Just get regular exercise and cut out some of the snacks and you'll be fine. Floss and use sunscreen.

You're irritable, you have little tolerance for frustration, and you overwhelm easily, and those things won't change, but you can learn to manage them better. Just take things day by day and one step at a time instead of getting overwhelmed and shutting down or taking things out on others.

Oh, and don't even think about ever buying a condo.

Take care,

38-year-old Orange Swan
posted by orange swan at 6:27 AM on October 20, 2011 [1 favorite]


Dear 16 year old Lucinda (it's a name you'll give a cat in the future):

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Mom's overprotective. She can't help it. Depression and anxiety issues wind around our family tree like ivy. You'll discover this yourself in a few years. Cut her some slack. She dies way too young.

College will blow your mind with its awesomeness. Don't be afraid to live it up a little. And by a little, I mean a lot. Take risks. Don't be so coy. Don't let the anxiety attacks phase you too much. You will get your heart stomped on, and you will be betrayed, but it will just make you stronger.

The boys you're spazzing over now, head-over-heels with crushes? They fade away. You'll become Facebook friends with them - never mind trying to explain that now - and you'll see that you're better off without them.

You'll have a kid. He'll be awesome.

And then, when you're 35 - ROLLER DERBY!

Love,
almost 38 year old Lucinda

P.S. Remember that party you went to at Jeff's house? You brought the New Kids on the Block poster and everyone shot it with paintballs? You're going to marry one of the guys there. No, I'm not telling you who. Muhahahahah....
posted by Lucinda at 6:45 AM on October 20, 2011 [3 favorites]


Dear 16-year old me,

it gets better, and then it gets worse. I suspect most lives pretty much follow this trajectory so don't sweat it. What do you mean you don't know what "don't sweat it" means? Oh yeah, right. You will.

P.S. Stop being such a pussy and form a bloody band.
posted by Decani at 7:19 AM on October 20, 2011


Lots of psychologists, whether their work is considered "evolutionary" psychology or not, believe that our emotions confer some evolutionary benefit by inducing a tendency or motivation to act in a manner appropriate to the circumstance that created the emotion. For example, it's pretty obvious that fear helps us not fall from great heights or get eaten or whatever.

So what's the benefit of regret? You can't change these bad things. What good does it do you to sit around feeling bad?

My belief is that it doesn't do you any good to sit around feeling bad, but it might do others some good if your bad feeling motivated you to tell them to avoid the bad things you did/ do the good things you didn't do. To me, the whole point of regret is to help others make better decisions. Secret regret is utterly wasted.

The thing about our lives is this—this moment, right now, where you are sitting here reading this, can only have happened if every single detail leading up to it was exactly what it was. Change it even microscopically and the whole path changes, and you essentially extinguish the life you have now. I'd be inclined to tell myself to take better care of my teeth and maybe not spend so much money on my MGB, but then I wouldn't have the life I have now, and it's a mighty good life.

Yeah, well, the reality of things is that these notes aren't actually being sent back in time and creating paradoxes. They're just being posted online. If people use this as an excuse to turn secret regrets into public regrets, that's great! That allows others to derive benefit from their shitty experiences.

Now, if you haven't made any decisions that ended up badly in the ultimate cost/benefit analysis, and therefore have nothing to warn future generations about, that's great for you, but it's no reason to poo-poo people that are making the meagrest lemonade out of their lemons.
posted by a snickering nuthatch at 7:32 AM on October 20, 2011 [1 favorite]


So what's the benefit of regret? You can't change these bad things. What good does it do you to sit around feeling bad?

I'm already regretting some parts of the letter I wrote, because I think I could have done it better.;-)
posted by orange swan at 7:55 AM on October 20, 2011


Dear Me,

Stop hedging your bets and pick something. Having picked it, fling yourself at it with relentless effort and gusto. You're good enough at several of the things you most love doing to do them for a very good living, so stop fucking around wondering if you should play a hand. Play one before you're forced to.

Oh, and write some trite nonsense about a school for wizards based around the age-old story structure of guy-gets-in-trouble-and-then-gets-out-of-it-again. It's no good scoffing that you "could have written it" if you didn't.

And don't cut grips off golf clubs without wearing gloves.

TUO
posted by The Ultimate Olympian at 8:11 AM on October 20, 2011


Dear Me,

Take a moment, would you, and your tape recorder, and go talk to your grandparents. Find anyone in your family with grey hair. Seriously, just sit and talk with them with the tape recorder on. I assure you that they won't mind the stupid prying questions about their childhood.

I'm telling you this now because in about 20 years, they'll all be gone. Every last one of them. You don't have a lot of time. Do it now.

Me.
posted by thanotopsis at 8:25 AM on October 20, 2011


Dear Me,

Buy as much stock as you can in Pets.com when it goes public. And no this is not a joke like all of the other suggestions I sent, this one will actually work, I promise.

Love,
Future You
posted by burnmp3s at 9:24 AM on October 20, 2011


Dear 16 year old me,

In a little over a year you will be diagnosed with Type I diabetes. Eat Twinkies and drink Mt. Dew NOW.
posted by stevis23 at 9:40 AM on October 20, 2011 [3 favorites]


Dear 16 year old Me...

I know sexy sexiness is hot, and so do you. But keep it in your damn pants and do better in school. Get that MIT scholarship you don't know you want yet.

And, as far as partners go, don't screw it up with A. You can't do better, chucklehead and a relationship with A will save you a lot of heartache.

And I know your knees suck, but get in the habit of taking better care of yourself, as it will all catch up with you later. I have a line of pill bottles that prove it.

And remember to tell your stepfather you love him. Don't fight with him. He's done an awful lot for you and your mom, and sooner than expected, you will lose him.

You don't know everything, you cocky little twit. Open your ears and listen. And avoid recreational pharmaceuticals. They don't fill any void.

And watch how often you use the word "and". It's annoying.

44 year old Me
posted by Samizdata at 10:11 AM on October 20, 2011


Dear 16 year old b.t.g.,

You will not die a virgin, so you can just stop freaking out about it.

Love,
Me

p.s.- 16 is not too old to start learning guitar, you dumb-ass.
posted by bonobothegreat at 10:18 AM on October 20, 2011 [3 favorites]


This thread just rid me of one of my biggest regrets.

There was this guy, back in high school, back when I knew I was gay but didn't really understand what that meant. He was handsome and funny and shy, and I always wondered whether, if I had ever gotten up the courage to ask him out, we might have had something.

And then, the year after I graduated, he got heavily into theater, and I started kicking myself.

I was wondering if I should tell my sixteen-year-old self to go for it. So I looked the guy up.

Turns out, he's happily married. And a police chief.

So all I've got to say to my sixteen year old self is... good instincts. And don't kick yourself so hard; the opportunities you missed may not have been opportunities at all.
posted by MrVisible at 11:06 AM on October 20, 2011 [1 favorite]


Most of these letters are a version of 'you were right all along and you're going to prove it to the world.'

Yeah but knowing that everything turns out great, perhaps they won't have that same drive/hunger that propelled them to the top. "Oh, so I really great as I think, and people will someday realize it? Cool, then I have time to smoke this joint. And another one.." etc, a butterfly flaps it's wings, we've all seen the movie.


Dear me,
We both know I can't tell you anything. However, I'm going to reiterate some things you already know (no harm in that right?), which is: one, that there IS a difference between being actually depressed, etc., and a spoiled bratty teenager, two, there are people trained to diagnose other people with problems because people are notoriously unreliable at diagnosing themselves. Do with that what you will.
posted by bleep at 1:01 PM on October 20, 2011


Yeah, well, the reality of things is that these notes aren't actually being sent back in time and creating paradoxes. They're just being posted online. If people use this as an excuse to turn secret regrets into public regrets, that's great!

Hmm, if it was going to be that kind of letter it would be more like this:

Dear me,
Save ourselves a lot of time and effort, skip the liberal arts bullshit and go straight for computer science. You know you want to. All the bullshit they're trying to feed you right now is a sales pitch. Don't buy it. I can't tell you anything else because if you take my advice your life is going to be totally different than mine. Have fun!
posted by bleep at 1:07 PM on October 20, 2011


Dear 16-year-old me,
You know that WikiWeb program you wrote to learn programming? The one you put online, and your friends filled with a couple hundred pages about jokes and teachers at school before the server it was on (in a closet at school) crashed? Why not start an online encyclopedia...maybe call it Wiki-encyclopedia...I'm pretty sure it will be big in a couple of years.
posted by miyabo at 1:16 PM on October 20, 2011


Dear 16-year-old me: you'll be fine. Just take advantage of a few of those opportunities that you thought were too expensive or too risky; you will do them eventually and wonder "why didn't I do that sooner?" so you might as well get started.
posted by davejay at 2:58 PM on October 20, 2011


Dear smithsmith,

The font in which I've written this letter is called "Comic Sans". It will be created in two years (that is 1996) at Microsoft Corporation by a man called Vincent Connare. You are to find this man and kill him before he can go ahead with his dastardly plans. Mr. Connare is a minor shareholder in Microsoft and it would be wise to pick up these stock certificates on your way out of his house.

Signed,
smithsmith

P.S. the man was also partially responsible for Webdings, for God's sake.
posted by smithsmith at 6:51 PM on October 20, 2011 [4 favorites]


Dear 16 year-old me,

- Step away from the junk food and make exercise a habit - being diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes at 34 years old sucks
- You're depressed, get therapy and drugs; perhaps you won't need them when you're 44
- Dump choir and take more English classes, it's what you're good at; take computer courses as well
- You're going to be told you have to move in with your father, don't do it - one of the maternal aunts or your uncle will take you in
- Stay away from credit cards
- Do not buy a car from your brother
- Do buy stock in Microsoft, Apple and Google

Much love,
You
posted by deborah at 6:54 PM on October 20, 2011


Dear 16 year old me,

Save the money you spend on your hair and Clearasil. They will both clear out on their own.

While jumping from the frying pan through the fire and into another frying pan is never boring, it's not really a life plan, either. Grandma always said, "Be a lawyer!" She was right. That way you don't have to pay them.

Just buy stock in Anheuser-Busch instead of one bottle at a time.

It gets astonishing.

hb
posted by halfbuckaroo at 9:24 AM on October 21, 2011


Dear The Great Gonzo, [that is what we're still calling ourselves, right? Haven't started the stupid "DarkSmile" thing yet, right? Good.]

I have no idea. No, really. Just try to enjoy the ride and learn the lessons.

Go easy on your dad. He doesn't have long.

Don't go easy on mom. Her BS just gets worse. You'll lose her, too, way too soon, but not to any disease or physical illness. She just simply won't be your "mom" anymore. No, I won't explain. It'll actually be more painful if I tell you now. At least after losing dad, you're better equipped to handle it.

Your little brother rocks. I know you know this. I also know you can't tell him. Or you think you are telling him. You will do the right things when you need to, and you will show that you really are a good brother.

Love every woman who comes your way as best you can. You will make mistakes. You will make many more smiles, though.

I won't tell you not to be so hard on yourself because 1) You won't listen and 2) That's part of what makes you work out so well (and what makes you you). But you will work out well, overall. And people will like you. For you. Not because you try too hard.

And because I know you'll be curious, here's the answer key:
L.H.: No. Not your fault, actually.
A.G.: No. You don't know what you want yet.
A.E.: Hell no.
J.W.: Bet you didn't see that one coming!
J.T.: Nope. Still friends, though!
A.S.: Yup, but not for long. You're at the wedding, though!
R.S.: Yes. Wow, yes. Not "the one," though. Also still friends.
C.S.: No, you idiot. You should've at least tried. Idiot.
M.G.: Yes, but you'll wish you hadn't. Idiot. (Still, it made for a fun adventure, I guess?)
S.S.: Sweet, but awkward. Sometimes both at the same time.

And that's all you get. The rest is... yet to be determined. (Yes, more mistakes, but they're important lessons.) Swing for the fences, there's no "She's out of my league," and A.B.C. (always. be. closing. Ask for the business (i.e., date). And yes, you'll work in sales for a bit. Yes, you will hate it. You will also learn from it. Most of life is like that. Get used to it).

Again, all in all, you have (and will have) fumbled through pretty well. Only one or two broken hearts (that you're aware of). You get hurt a lot more, but that's ok. Don't lose the trust. You're still friends with almost all of the women in your life. Because 1) you care and 2) you are good to them. As much as you can be. But you have to learn not to compromise yourself for others. It doesn't work out well when you do. Will report back once I've tried the alternative. But no, it doesn't mean you have to be an asshole. In fact, it kinda makes you an asshole if you do. Yeah, I'm still sorting that one out.

You'll be someone people can and will rely on. That's something that's hard fought. Remember that when it's tough. You will be the rock you always thought your parents were (spoiler: they're not). And it turns out this is way more important than fitting in.

I suppose I could say a lot more, but it'd be useless. Like I said, enjoy the ride. You'll need a sense of humor to get through most of it. Good thing you're well-equipped, huh?
posted by Eideteker at 1:48 PM on October 21, 2011 [1 favorite]


Wow, I really wrote and posted all of that. I guess I am a bit of a narcissist.
posted by Eideteker at 1:50 PM on October 21, 2011


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