Not Getting Any

October 26, 2011 12:49 AM

"Offstage, with his Fleshlight in his hand, 'D-Bone', who will be flown to Austin to compete in the Air Sex finals next month, didn't break character. 'I feel fantastic,' he said. 'It's always a pleasure to be the best air-fucker in the city. I'm going to have tons of chicks over at my place tonight, with lots of cocaine and drugs.'"--L.A. Weekly covers the Air Sex (Regional) World Championships (kinda NSFW)
posted by bardic (38 comments total)

I wonder who will come first?
posted by marienbad at 1:02 AM on October 26, 2011 [7 favorites]

I don't live in the States anymore...but when I come visit, I pretty much expect to see someone like this guy as a legislator from the tea party.

Also, thanks for all the nightmares in advance.
posted by hal_c_on at 1:06 AM on October 26, 2011 [3 favorites]

I wonder who will come first?

whoever rubs 'em the right way
posted by the mad poster! at 1:07 AM on October 26, 2011

^^thanks, johnny gill.
posted by hal_c_on at 1:11 AM on October 26, 2011 [2 favorites]

Needs the 'yuck' tag.
posted by item at 1:18 AM on October 26, 2011

I'm going to have tons of chicks over at my place tonight, with lots of cocaine and drugs.

Inflatable air chicks, maybe.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 1:18 AM on October 26, 2011

Just like air guitar, it seems that there are those that can do, and those that have to "air" instead.
posted by greenhornet at 1:25 AM on October 26, 2011

You should know that air herpes never goes away.
posted by bardic at 1:38 AM on October 26, 2011 [2 favorites]

Every time I post a comment on MetaFilter, I feel like that guy.

guess what i'm doing right now
posted by Mikey-San at 1:38 AM on October 26, 2011

(kinda NSFW)

Can someone kinda explain what's kinda at that link?
posted by pracowity at 2:15 AM on October 26, 2011

event writeup text. some photos of people (solo) simulating sex on air. no nudity.
posted by the mad poster! at 2:30 AM on October 26, 2011

I won an air-sex competition and was expecting lots of cocaine and drugs. But they just let me air-snort cocaine (hold the rolled bill, pretend to snort) and really hard-core pretend drugs (aim the pretend needle at your vein and pretend-shoot it.)

I like the sex, drugs, and rock and roll part of it. But air sucks.
posted by twoleftfeet at 2:30 AM on October 26, 2011 [1 favorite]

This is how mimes make porn.
posted by twoleftfeet at 2:41 AM on October 26, 2011 [7 favorites]

really hard-core pretend drugs (aim the pretend needle at your vein and pretend-shoot it.)
Messing around with all that air can give you a pretend-embolism. You've been warned.
posted by GenjiandProust at 2:50 AM on October 26, 2011 [4 favorites]

Rubbin Hood beats my Mary Trishas.
posted by a non e mouse at 2:55 AM on October 26, 2011

twoleftfeet, that's not even hardcore air-snorting! Real air snorters pantomime the rolled up twenty.
posted by Ghidorah at 3:12 AM on October 26, 2011

You people have no idea how difficult life can be for someone who is addicted to pretending to be addicted to something. I go to air-coholics meetings regularly, but they regularly degenerate into depraved orgies, or so I would imagine, often in great detail. I'm trying to stay on a straight path, but it's all I can do to keep a straight face.
posted by twoleftfeet at 3:22 AM on October 26, 2011 [5 favorites]

Is this competition a good place to take a first date?
posted by maxwelton at 3:52 AM on October 26, 2011

Slightly disturbing video example!
posted by orme at 4:14 AM on October 26, 2011

Are these straight orgies you are imagining, then?
posted by GenjiandProust at 4:41 AM on October 26, 2011

This has an end of the world as we know it feel.

I am reminded of the classic Bert and Ernie scene where Ernie tries to sell Bert a bottle of air for a nickel. Finally Bert relents out of annoyance and Bert proceeds to open the bottle up and pour the air into Ernie's hands. Ernie thought he was getting the whole bottle, but it turned out that was extra.

Reality costs more than fantasy. For a reason.
posted by spitbull at 5:02 AM on October 26, 2011

Okay that man in the linked video air fucked an air sheep.
Far too early and too sober, here.
posted by angrycat at 5:18 AM on October 26, 2011 [3 favorites]

Air sex, you say?

Blow me.
posted by kcds at 5:25 AM on October 26, 2011 [1 favorite]

airhead?
posted by the mad poster! at 5:28 AM on October 26, 2011 [1 favorite]

Ha! I'm friends with that big beardy dude in the video orme linked to up there. 2010 Air Sex World Champion. He has a thing about being shirtless.
posted by Maaik at 6:02 AM on October 26, 2011

Mime sheep fucking????
posted by zarq at 6:29 AM on October 26, 2011

And people said my sterilize mimes proposal was too controversial.
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 6:48 AM on October 26, 2011 [1 favorite]

"It's the only trophy in sports that you can fuck," says Chris Trew, host and creator of Air Sex World Championships

Challenge accepted.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 6:56 AM on October 26, 2011 [7 favorites]

If you're crazy well endowed, you could totally fuck the World Series trophy, just make sure all the flags are pointing out.
posted by SpiffyRob at 7:11 AM on October 26, 2011 [1 favorite]

The NBA Championship trophy might be do-able if you slide your member betwixt the ball and the stand. (Boioioioioing.)

The ladies (or anyone of either gender looking for trophy anal) have better options. I'd say the FIFA World Cup trophy is your best bet.
posted by SpiffyRob at 7:15 AM on October 26, 2011

SpiffyRob, you missed one.
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:21 AM on October 26, 2011

I think D bone is Bocephus.
posted by kingv at 10:13 AM on October 26, 2011

The overzealous misuse of NSFW warnings around here is really obscene.
posted by Chuckles at 10:26 AM on October 26, 2011

Chuckles: "The overzealous misuse of NSFW warnings around here is really obscene."

"Hey, did you hear that Bill in Accounting is into sheep sex?"
"What?!"
"Yeah, Jackie walked past his desk and he was watching a video of a guy air fuckin' a sheep!"
"Holy shit!"
"Yeah. With noises and everything."
"That's disgusting!"
"Yep. She reported him for harassment. He'll probably be thrown out of the building by the end of the day."


Obscenity is what we make of it. Thank you for the tag, bardic.
posted by zarq at 10:35 AM on October 26, 2011 [2 favorites]

The ladies (or anyone of either gender looking for trophy anal) have better options. I'd say the FIFA World Cup trophy is your best bet.

The trophy stands 36.5 centimetres (14.4 inches) tall and is made of 5 kg (11 lb) of 18 carat (75%) gold with a base 13 centimetres [5.1 inches] in diameter

How exactly would you 'do' that?
posted by Catfry at 12:03 PM on October 26, 2011

Chris Trew, the dude who runs the Air Sex competition, is also known as Terp 2 it, and has had some success as a nerdcore rapper. He's also a terrific comedian. His old sketch and improv group, the Coldtowne Heroes, were among the folks that migrated from New Orleans to Austin after Katrina. I've seen him perform with both the Coldtowne Heroes and a group called The Megaphone. A smart, funny dude and also a great guy in general.
posted by Joey Michaels at 2:15 PM on October 26, 2011

(This was supposed to be my "nerdcore rapper" link)
posted by Joey Michaels at 2:15 PM on October 26, 2011

How exactly would you 'do' that?

Given those measurements, and looking at the picture, I'd suggest base-first.
posted by SpiffyRob at 6:04 AM on October 27, 2011