"Fencing Accident"

November 15, 2011 8:59 AM

Bruce Wayne's medical history, from Gotham City General Hospital. "These recent maladies appear to be in keeping with the pattern that has emerged over the past several years, in which significant medical problems are associated with odd or incongruous explanations." ... "By far the greatest contributor to patient’s ongoing morbidity are his multiple and seemingly ceaseless musculoskeletal injuries."
posted by Cool Papa Bell (63 comments total)

Spelunking.
posted by entropicamericana at 9:00 AM on November 15, 2011

An alternate explanation, more plausible than the histories associated with many of patient’s injuries, is a series of industrial mishaps.

What I wouldn't give for a lost BTAS episode that's just twenty minutes of Bruce Wayne getting into slapstick industrial accidents.
posted by griphus at 9:02 AM on November 15, 2011 [24 favorites]

Family History: Both parents deceased (homicide). Generally assumed to be non-contributory

This is why you need Dr House's team to investigate.
posted by chavenet at 9:03 AM on November 15, 2011 [9 favorites]

Why on earth would he be going to Gotham General? He can get all the private care he needs with no emabarrassing questions.

Also, it's mildly unsettling to learn that Batman is exactly six days older than me.
posted by Horace Rumpole at 9:04 AM on November 15, 2011 [13 favorites]

Batman is always 40. It's the secret to his powers.
posted by Burhanistan at 9:08 AM on November 15, 2011 [3 favorites]

"This is why you need Dr House's team to investigate."

That will go well until Black Doctor and This Season's Attractive Female Doctor break into Wayne manor to search for clues as to the etiology of Wayne's injuries only to activate some insane security system that automatically renders them food for a colony of bats.
posted by midmarch snowman at 9:10 AM on November 15, 2011 [11 favorites]

Batman's new tactic should solve most of these problems.
posted by martinrebas at 9:11 AM on November 15, 2011 [5 favorites]

Maybe it's lupus.
 
posted by Herodios at 9:12 AM on November 15, 2011 [20 favorites]

Patient has denied being the victim of domestic abuse by Mr. Grayson following indirect and direct questioning on numerous occasions.

lol.
posted by Curious Artificer at 9:13 AM on November 15, 2011 [10 favorites]

MeFi's own valkyryn also takes a look at the potential legal issues around this at Law and the Multiverse (previously).
posted by smcg at 9:15 AM on November 15, 2011 [2 favorites]

Yeah, definitely lupus.
posted by yerfatma at 9:15 AM on November 15, 2011 [4 favorites]

I always assumed Alfred was a top-notch medical doctor in addition to his many other skills. Certainly he's had enough chances to practice on Batman.
posted by immlass at 9:19 AM on November 15, 2011 [6 favorites]

I always assumed Alfred was a top-notch medical doctor in addition to his many other skills.

You are correct. For more serious injuries he has other options.
posted by 1970s Antihero at 9:20 AM on November 15, 2011 [2 favorites]

By looking at this, we all violated HIPAA
posted by stormpooper at 9:20 AM on November 15, 2011 [8 favorites]

That will go well until Black Doctor and This Season's Attractive Female Doctor break into Wayne manor to search for clues as to the etiology of Wayne's injuries only to activate some insane security system that automatically renders them food for a colony of bats.

Best. Episode. EVAR!
posted by eriko at 9:21 AM on November 15, 2011

11/15/11: Performed emergency colectomy on Mr. Wayne after he accidentally impaled himself on an Occupy Gotham City picket sign through his rectum
posted by Renoroc at 9:21 AM on November 15, 2011 [2 favorites]

Horace Rumpole: Also, it's mildly unsettling to learn that Batman is exactly six days older than me.

You wish!

While his exact age is never revealed, certain dates that have been mentioned . . . would seem to indicate that Rumpole was born sometime between 1910 and 1915.

 
posted by Herodios at 9:24 AM on November 15, 2011 [3 favorites]

In a Batman arc by Sam Hamm, Bruce Wayne was shot in public, so there was no chance to whisk him off to the Batcave and he went to the hospital. The doctor remarked on the evidence of history of multiple broken bones, and an astonishing amount of scar tissue.

"Oh, that. I fell out of a tree when I was a boy."

"A tree?"

"It was a very tall tree."
posted by Zed at 9:26 AM on November 15, 2011 [6 favorites]

Bruce Wayne is into rough sex. Very rough sex.
posted by Faint of Butt at 9:34 AM on November 15, 2011 [6 favorites]

I always enjoy it when writers try to come up with some semi-serious cover or explanation for super heros and their possible life-threatening damage or lack there-of. This one was quite good, compared to, say, Jim Butcher's recent Spiderman book that just hand-waved it out as "all super-beings heal faster".
posted by Old'n'Busted at 9:36 AM on November 15, 2011 [1 favorite]

> This one was quite good, compared to, say, Jim Butcher's recent Spiderman book that just hand-waved it out as "all super-beings heal faster".

Well, that's just it though. Batman is just an ordinary mortal that works really really hard. Spiderman and many others are basically slobs that chanced into their powers.
posted by Burhanistan at 9:38 AM on November 15, 2011

Jim Butcher, for example, chanced into the power of hypnotizing book publishers to do his bidding. It's the only explanation.
posted by Wolfdog at 9:41 AM on November 15, 2011 [2 favorites]

From the comments on another blog about this:

That is a forgery based on pure speculation. The simple fact of the matter is that Mr. Wayne has enjoyed an uninterrupted and long period of excellent health - to which state of affairs several boards of directors can attest. I read (sorry, lost the link) a press release on monday in which he was forthcoming about the fact that he often seeks routine medical care for a man his age from some very private and elite physicians, including several offshore -- but as he reasonably explained this is precisely because conventional domestic medical care providers are unable to protect the privacy of a man of his stature. The medical records leaked here are certainly a forgery for the simple reason that no such records can exist, for Mr. Wayne has never sought or received treatment from these people. Indeed, in this forgery, you can see that not only does the conventional system fail to protect his privacy but it will even make stuff up if he won't cooperate.

Next week after arrangements are finalized Mr. Wayne will release key excerpts of his authentic medical records as they are maintained by his personal physicians in Switzerland and Denmark. These will include many X-ray images that lay to rest rumors of "(> 20) orthopedic injuries."

These forgeries are particularly nefarious and targeted because, as far as Wayne's organizations can determine, some of the physicians involved may have at one time believed that they actually provided service to Mr. Wayne when, in fact, they have never met. Wayne Enterprises is working with these doctors in an attempt to identify and prosecute whatever Bruce Wayne impersonator obtained treatment under a false identity.
posted by nooneyouknow at 9:41 AM on November 15, 2011 [22 favorites]

This one was quite good, compared to, say, Jim Butcher's recent Spiderman book that just hand-waved it out as "all super-beings heal faster".

Maybe they do, maybe they don't, but Spider-Man is a super-being of some kind. Bruce Wayne isn't.

And thanks for the link, smcg!
posted by valkyryn at 9:42 AM on November 15, 2011

I always enjoy it when writers try to come up with some semi-serious cover or explanation for super heros and their possible life-threatening damage or lack there-of.

My mental Gary Stu for most superhero universes is someone who has a healing aura that they can't really turn off. So not only do they regenerate, but people who spend time near them don't get sick, heal faster, and so on. Of course, using the power only makes it stronger, so as he's called in to help out with wounded heroes, his power ramps up more and more. Sure, he heals almost instantly now, but he can't really throw a punch as doing so would not only fail to do any damage, but would heal any damage done to the villain (as well as their high cholesterol levels) by other heroes.

He becomes a valuable commodity. Why not just kidnap Healy Guy and leave him chained up in your lair? Why should he spend so much time on The Watchtower when he could walk through hospitals day in, day out?

Eventually, he can't take it anymore and tries to off himself, but of course wakes up fully resurrected and healed the next day. Now he can't even walk past a morgue without causing problems. Or a cemetery.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 9:44 AM on November 15, 2011 [23 favorites]

Being a fencer, this line jumped out:

four linear, well-healed lacerations on left pectoral (“fencing accident”)

Even for someone who's good enough to consider fencing with sharp weapons, four cuts in the same 6" by 6" area is pretty unlikely.

If I was the doctor and Mr Wayne was reporting the supposed causes of these injuries to me, I wouldn't be able to keep a straight face.
posted by fearnothing at 9:59 AM on November 15, 2011

Old'n'Busted: "This one was quite good, compared to, say, Jim Butcher's recent Spiderman book that just hand-waved it out as "all super-beings heal faster""

Wait, wait, wait a second. Jim Butcher wrote a Spiderman book? To the googles!
posted by Memo at 10:01 AM on November 15, 2011

Jim Butcher, for example, chanced into the power of hypnotizing book publishers to do his bidding. It's the only explanation.

We need the hypnotizing power to cause Mr. Butcher to write nothing but Dresden Files novels.

Nothing. But. Dresdens.
posted by Billiken at 10:08 AM on November 15, 2011 [5 favorites]

Even for someone who's good enough to consider fencing with sharp weapons, four cuts in the same 6" by 6" area is pretty unlikely.

"No, I meant fencing accident as in I was building a fence and got scratched. A very, very sharp fence."
posted by Celsius1414 at 10:09 AM on November 15, 2011 [4 favorites]

Am I the only one who thinks the Dresden novels come off as open wish-fulfillment for dudes who wear leather trenchcoats and Neo glasses regardless of the time of day or season?
posted by griphus at 10:10 AM on November 15, 2011 [4 favorites]

Eventually, he can't take it anymore and tries to off himself, but of course wakes up fully resurrected and healed the next day.

You mean Mysterion?
posted by epersonae at 10:19 AM on November 15, 2011

Am I the only one who thinks the Dresden novels come off as open wish-fulfillment for dudes who wear leather trenchcoats and Neo glasses regardless of the time of day or season?

No.
posted by valkyryn at 10:27 AM on November 15, 2011

Am I the only one who thinks the Dresden novels come off as open wish-fulfillment for dudes who wear leather trenchcoats and Neo glasses regardless of the time of day or season?

I wear leather trenchcoats and neo glasses proudly but fucked if I'm going to take that kind of insult sitting down!

Seriously though. They are so bad. They're like Piers Anthony tribute novels written by someone who has only ever read parodies of noir fiction.
posted by Jairus at 10:29 AM on November 15, 2011

I love these juxtapositions of superhero storytelling with real life. This is exactly the kind of thing Venture Bros would do.

I saw an episode of Batman: Brave and the Bold last night where at the start Batman is punching out an ordinary thug (although one in a costume)... but then gets ZAPPED AWAY by a SUMMONING CIRCLE to 19TH CENTURY LONDON by JASON BLOOD ala ETRIGAN THE DEMON where he meets SHERLOCK HOLMES etc.

I was just thinking, it's odd that Batman's primary focus is still street crime when these kinds of Silver Age shenanigans are popping up all over the place. It must get to be kind of a distraction at times.

(Holds thug against wall) "So who are you, some no-name punk who decided to steal a TV and make a quick buck? It's almost against my principles to grind you head into this wall, but-- uh-oh--" (gets zapped by ZETA RAYS to an ALIEN PLANET to help ADAM STRANGE defeat LIZARD PEOPLE -- time warp return to the moment of departure, with some bruises)

"So, where were we? I think I was about to reduce your lower jaw to a thick red paste -- just a second--" (warped via EXPERIMENTAL TELEPORTER to GORILLA GRODD'S JUNGLE HIDEOUT LAIR where he's forced to participate in a MOST DANGEROUS GAME -- of CHECKERS. Batman wins handily with five kings on the board by the end, ties up Grodd with WONDER WOMAN'S MAGIC LASSO just because he CAN [she left it at his place last night], uses teleporter's TIME DISPLACEMENT FUNCTION to ZAP HIMSELF BACK to EXACT TIME HE LEFT, a bit weary from sleep deprivation)

"Yes, let's pick up where we left off, I think I was-- oh hell--" (FLASH shows up and before Batman can do anything about it RUSHES HIM INTO WAITING SPACESHIP to the JUSTICE LEAGUE HEADQUARTERS SATELLITE where-- SURPRISE! It's BATMAN'S BIRTHDAY. The revelry extends LATE INTO THE NIGHT. A DRUNKEN Batman, now having been awake for two days on his pesonal time scale, is TIME-WARPED back to the moment he left)

"Ugh. Take the TV, I'm going home. I've got *such* a headache." (wanders off to waiting BAT-MOBILE, considers getting his phone number unlisted from the hero directory)

The thing is, since Batman is crime fighting nearly every night, these kinds of situations have got to happen more often than you'd expect.
posted by JHarris at 10:35 AM on November 15, 2011 [37 favorites]

In Morrison's JLA Earth 2, there's a scene where the JLA has to stop a bunch of satellites from crashing into earth, and they just let one crash into the ocean. A while later they have to go talk to Aquaman who immediately asks "why is it that of all the satellites you could've missed, it was the one that fell through my roof?"
posted by griphus at 10:46 AM on November 15, 2011 [2 favorites]

JHarris, that was the coolest thing I've read in a long time.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 10:48 AM on November 15, 2011

I'm going to nitpick. Bruce Wayne is in excellent shape. His resting HR would be much lower than 60, probably low 40s, maybe even high 30s.
posted by I am the Walrus at 10:52 AM on November 15, 2011 [1 favorite]

I kinda like the Dresden Files...

That said, I agree that it's formulaic and somewhat shallow. I couldn't imagine taking the time to re-read the series, for example.

But sometimes I want formulaic and shallow. Don't judge me!
posted by jcreigh at 10:58 AM on November 15, 2011

As with above injuries, most of these symptoms occur following some blow to the head during MMA sparring or competition

Batman vs. Dementia pugilistica
posted by benzenedream at 11:05 AM on November 15, 2011

Initially misread that as Batman vs. Demon Pug.

DEMAND BATMAN VS. DEMON PUG.
posted by griphus at 11:08 AM on November 15, 2011 [5 favorites]

A while later they have to go talk to Aquaman who immediately asks "why is it that of all the satellites you could've missed, it was the one that fell through my roof?"

Because you've got a damn big house!
posted by JHarris at 11:12 AM on November 15, 2011 [1 favorite]

I kinda like the Dresden Files...

Me too. "Wizard Detective" is hands down my favorite genre. Harry Dresden, Felix Castor, Sandman Slim, Tales from the Nightside, Remy Chandler, and so on. They are cake, sure, but they are delicious cake.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 11:19 AM on November 15, 2011

griphus: "Initially misread that as Batman vs. Demon Pug.

DEMAND BATMAN VS. DEMON PUG"

Did someone say Batpug??

Robocop, Sandman Slim is just fantastic, isn't it?!
posted by Xoder at 11:23 AM on November 15, 2011 [3 favorites]

Yeah, the series really does the noir thing well, much more to my taste than Charlie Huston's Joe Pitt series (which isn't bad, just Sandman Slim is better). The dashes of dark comedy really help too, without getting as tongue in cheek as Butcher tends to get.

Though Butcher's fantasy series was pretty fun.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 11:30 AM on November 15, 2011

He becomes a valuable commodity. Why not just kidnap Healy Guy and leave him chained up in your lair? Why should he spend so much time on The Watchtower when he could walk through hospitals day in, day out?

The "kidnap and make use of" plot point is basically what Lex Luther did to The Flash in the second Old Batman book by the crazy artist that I cannot remember.

And I know that the forced-to-heal in a hospital is something that I've read in the last few years, where people have various levels of abilities. Dammed if I can remember that, either. Probably one too many shots to he head by some supervillian.
posted by Old'n'Busted at 11:38 AM on November 15, 2011

I think I swiped the idea from WildCards, to be honest. There was an Ace who could cure the virus by fucking.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 11:40 AM on November 15, 2011

Wait, wait, wait a second. Jim Butcher wrote a Spiderman book? To the googles!

The Darkest Hours: Spiderman vs Some Ancient Nasties that hunt Animal Totem people like, oh, say Spiderman, Black Cat, and Rhino. I actually rather liked the interaction with Rhino when Spidy and MJ was taking care of him after R got whacked pretty good. It was one of those books you read in B&N while the rest of the family is off shopping.
posted by Old'n'Busted at 11:44 AM on November 15, 2011

So we're arguing the skeptical reports of an attending physician at a hospital in a city that is hit with laughing and/or fear gas like, every two weeks? Bruce Wayne's conditions are normal for anyone who's resided in Gotham for more than a few years. It's the only hospital in the country that has an entire wing for non-lethal freeze ray incidents.

Frankly, if the doctors of Gotham should be concerned about anything, it's the bizarre correlation between surnames and the ironic theme said name-holder applies to villainy. Harley Quinn(zel) became a psychotic clown, Victor Fries became an ice cyborg, E. Nygma became obsessed with puzzles, and of course there the legendary Rainbow Raider aka Roy G. Bivolo.

All I'm saying is, forget about analyzing lacerations on billionaires; if any female Gothamite comes in with the last name Burns priority one should be getting her a Nuvaring.
posted by XQUZYPHYR at 12:04 PM on November 15, 2011 [12 favorites]

He becomes a valuable commodity. Why not just kidnap Healy Guy and leave him chained up in your lair?

Also done in The Dark Knight Strikes Again, where the Flash is captured and put to work running on a treadmill to become a one-man, electricity-generating power plant.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 12:05 PM on November 15, 2011

Any of a thousand superheroes effectively have over-unity energy production as a side effect of their power(s); one could argue that the reverse is the case, ie any superpower is just a particular manifestation of an over-unity energy production method.
posted by aeschenkarnos at 12:11 PM on November 15, 2011 [1 favorite]

Batman had a pretty bad experience involving a private doctor, so it's not improbable that he prefers Gotham General.
posted by ymgve at 12:20 PM on November 15, 2011 [1 favorite]

Heh, JHarris, you think that's bad - try hooking him up with Superman like DC does all the time.

My favorite example comes from the one comic book I still remember from when I was very, very young, just because - even at that age - it just seemed so fucked up. Somehow, Batman and Supes end up zapped back to the American Revolution. Superman has been turned crazy and evil at the moment (some version of kryptonite does this?) and so he decides to help the British.

He should be able to end the war instantly by just rounding up the founding fathers and flying them over to London to be hanged as traitors, but instead he decides the best application of his superpowers to the British cause is in rapid construction of earthworks. So he's off digging super trenches and Batman's trying to talk sense into him while helping the Americans to counterbalance Superman and keep history on course as best he can.

Eventually whacko Superman gets tired of Batman's interference and his counterstrategy is to try and get the locals to burn Batman as a witch. Because, I mean, just look at him. I recall Batman arguing that it's actually Superman who's in league with the powers of darkness. Just witness the big "S" on his chest, which stands for Sorcerer. Superman explains that no, it's not that at all. He's an actor, and the "S" stands for Shakespeare.

I swear to hell I am not making this up.

Eventually, I don't remember how, I guess Superman came to his senses and they fixed everything and went home. But god damn. I mean what the hell were they smoking at DC in the old days?
posted by Naberius at 12:30 PM on November 15, 2011 [4 favorites]

> Superman has been turned crazy and evil at the moment (some version of kryptonite does this?) and so he decides to help the British.

Nothing out of the ordinary about that, actually. Superman has always been a tool of the dominating regime, whatever nationality.
posted by Burhanistan at 12:33 PM on November 15, 2011 [1 favorite]

it's the bizarre correlation between surnames and the ironic theme said name-holder applies to villainy

Don't forget Julian Gregory Day!

Uf, wish I could.
posted by yerfatma at 1:19 PM on November 15, 2011 [1 favorite]

I knew someone else would have picked up on how messed up this was.

God damn you, Internet
posted by Naberius at 1:19 PM on November 15, 2011 [4 favorites]

Frankly, if the doctors of Gotham should be concerned about anything, it's the bizarre correlation between surnames and the ironic theme said name-holder applies to villainy.

Well, DC sort of walked it back with the Riddler, where they revealed his real last name is Nashton, and he changed it to Nigma. But as you've pointed out, there's so many other ridiculous names that I wonder why they bothered.
posted by Rangeboy at 1:27 PM on November 15, 2011

JHarris, a time-travelling Booster Gold interrupted a fight between Batman and Mr. Freeze once, kind of like that. "Thank you, Magic Hand."
posted by Guy Smiley at 1:52 PM on November 15, 2011 [4 favorites]

This reads like a precursor to Kingdom Come, an alternate-future story where Bruce Wayne (who, in his later years, looks disturbingly like John McCain) is in a full-body brace/exoskeleton due to the long-term effects of his many injuries and fights crime in Gotham mostly by remote-control Bat-robots.
posted by Halloween Jack at 1:57 PM on November 15, 2011 [1 favorite]

I kinda like the Dresden Files...

Seconded. When I read, especially ScFi, it should be fun. And Dresden Files are fun.

If I wanted serious, pretentious drama, I read MeTa.
posted by MiltonRandKalman at 3:39 PM on November 15, 2011 [1 favorite]

Naberius : Idontgiveafuckinol, cut with underpaidium with a threebooksondeadline chaser.
posted by Grimgrin at 5:19 PM on November 15, 2011

I think it's quite clear that there's a very active BSDM community in Gotham city. Most are heavy into the leather stuff, a lot of them are into clowns, and some weirdos like plants or various animals.
posted by Harry at 3:15 AM on November 16, 2011 [2 favorites]

A Brave & The Bold episode which has as a Most Dangerous Game of Checkers sounds like the best thing ever.
posted by KingEdRa at 5:16 AM on November 16, 2011

I think it was the author of Becoming Batman (on what exactly it would take to work oneself up to crime-fighter status) who estimated that a man could probably be Batman as much as Bruce Wayne is for about two years before sheer accumulated trauma and physical stress on the bodily systems became too much to continue.
posted by Pirate-Bartender-Zombie-Monkey at 6:16 AM on November 16, 2011 [2 favorites]