Women for Herman Cain

December 2, 2011 1:58 PM

Beleaguered U.S. Presidential candidate Herman Cain's campaign has created a feature on their website entitled "Women for Herman Cain" (or just "Women for Cain" in some places) where women can post their support for him in the form of text testimonials and videos. Jezebel snarks, Palin sympathizes, and Mediaite observes that the first version of the site prominently featured a stock photo of four women with their thumbs up in approval.
posted by aught (143 comments total)

It's worth observing you can actually see the space in the middle of the header where the stock image (which presumably also included the word "for") has been removed to leave empty space. It now just reads "Women Cain" in the header.
posted by aught at 2:00 PM on December 2, 2011 [6 favorites]

So are these the women that he's sexually harassed? Or just the women that he's had affairs with? I've totally lost track...
posted by spilon at 2:06 PM on December 2, 2011 [4 favorites]

It strikes me that "Women for Herman Cain" is the kind of phrase that could be grievously misinterpreted. How about "Cain Needs Women"?

Also, he's no Silvio Berlusconi.
posted by McCoy Pauley at 2:08 PM on December 2, 2011 [8 favorites]

Some book promotions end better than others.
posted by Trurl at 2:08 PM on December 2, 2011 [12 favorites]

It speaks volumes about the decline of the American electoral process, if indeed not the entire American empire, that a man like Herman Cain (or Newt Gingrich for that matter) can be seriously proposed as a candidate for President and can be actually taken seriously by a large segment of the American media.
posted by Poet_Lariat at 2:09 PM on December 2, 2011 [17 favorites]

meanwhile, Rome continues to smolder...
(so neronic)
posted by Fupped Duck at 2:10 PM on December 2, 2011

hmm, it's missing something
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 2:10 PM on December 2, 2011 [42 favorites]

I like Rachel Maddow's well articulated theory that Herman Cain is presidential campaign as deliberate performance art.

The man is demonstrably a flaming idiot who couldn't read a cereal box if he had 10 minutes to practice.
posted by spitbull at 2:12 PM on December 2, 2011 [11 favorites]

Hmm, is the fact that his wife is listed as chairperson an indication that after their heart to heart, he's not dropping out?

I also wonder why so many of his (female) supporters feel compelled to put in all caps their virtually IDENTICAL words.

It is certaiinly interesting, anyway, to watch this slow flame out as the Rs continue to sort glumly through their unappealing candidate choices.
posted by bearwife at 2:12 PM on December 2, 2011 [2 favorites]

Cain hears good news

Cain hears bad news
posted by 2bucksplus at 2:13 PM on December 2, 2011 [21 favorites]

It speaks volumes about the decline of the American electoral process, if indeed not the entire American empire, that a man like Herman Cain (or Newt Gingrich for that matter) can be seriously proposed as a candidate for President and can be actually taken seriously by a large segment of the American media.
posted by Poet_Lariat

I don't know if it's that shocking, really, given that:

1. The competitive economics of the news business forces way more news energy on the race than is really required right now, so any jackass with a bus can get camera time just because there's so much camera time to use up, and

2. If there's one thing human history is full of, it's feckless horse's asses vying for political power. Every political system ever has produced nuggets as fetid as Cain and Gingrich.
posted by COBRA! at 2:13 PM on December 2, 2011 [2 favorites]

With the fall of Cain and the rise of Gingrich (and Mittt "23%" Romney sticking around), it's becoming increasingly clear you can only be the GOP nominee if you've cheated on an even number of wives.
posted by 0xFCAF at 2:14 PM on December 2, 2011 [12 favorites]

Revised 9-9-9 plan: 9 lawsuits, 9 settlements, 9 million dollars apiece.
posted by Mister Fabulous at 2:17 PM on December 2, 2011 [12 favorites]

Cain is already a footnote.
posted by IvoShandor at 2:18 PM on December 2, 2011

MC Hammer's attack ad against Herman Cain.
posted by Panjandrum at 2:19 PM on December 2, 2011 [11 favorites]

Did they take down the one that said: "Dear Mrs. Cain, don’t pay attention to these pathetic husbandless women who are jealous of women like you in happy long-term marriages."? I thought that one was quite compelling.
posted by demiurge at 2:19 PM on December 2, 2011 [1 favorite]

HappyWomenEatingSaladForCain.com
posted by XQUZYPHYR at 2:19 PM on December 2, 2011 [12 favorites]

What crossover appeal this candidate has, garnering support from both men and women. It's about time a political candidate capitalized on universal suffrage.
posted by dixiecupdrinking at 2:22 PM on December 2, 2011

I've been laughing for at least 20 minutes now at that screwed up Cain Woman header. Thank you for making my day.
posted by Bovine Love at 2:23 PM on December 2, 2011 [2 favorites]

It speaks volumes about the decline of the American electoral process, if indeed not the entire American empire, that a man like Herman Cain (or Newt Gingrich for that matter) can be seriously proposed as a candidate for President and can be actually taken seriously by a large segment of the American media.

On the other hand, both Cain and Gingrich would get their ass handed to them against the incumbent president. The intra-party success of these jokers, as with the previous success of Sarah Palin, mainly shows that the Republican party is getting older and smaller and less coherent, and that it is no longer a big-tent party that fields moderate candidates and governs by compromise, but a niche party for adherents of a few slowly dying ideas. (Plus Ron Paul. That's a whole different niche.)
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 2:23 PM on December 2, 2011 [5 favorites]

hmm, it's missing something

Yeah, their solution to the reaction to the stock photo centerpiece of the logo is to...remove the stock photo and not change the logo. Which creates this horribly broken looking thing where you've got a pile of negative space at the focal point of the image and nothing to bridge the change in type from "Women" to "CAIN".

And for some reason they also clipped out the small "FOR" under Women, so now it's just "Women CAIN". Or, I guess, Women Awkward Pause CAIN.

I guess this logo situation is probably a rapidly evolving one.
posted by cortex at 2:23 PM on December 2, 2011 [8 favorites]

I almost feel sorry for Cain.
posted by rtha at 2:25 PM on December 2, 2011

What exactly is the appeal that just dropping four and five dot ellipses into random points in your writing has to stupid people making Internet comments anyway?
posted by strangely stunted trees at 2:26 PM on December 2, 2011 [9 favorites]

Cain's campaign reminds me of that movie about Bansky that had the guy who became obsessed with street art and then got famous in his own right, only the whole thing was really just another big art thing.

in the movie, they show a red phone box in england that bansky or someone had modified in some way, like the made it bent in half or something, and how there are these people (supposedly) who will buy these works of art that arent even really for sale at all. you cant buy the red phone box.

pretty much all the republican candidates make me think of that twisted red phone box that someone throws a lot of money at not realizing they are actually the commentary on the art. or something.

im sure someone more well versed in this can explain it better.

but yes, maddow is right. cain is an art project.
posted by sio42 at 2:27 PM on December 2, 2011 [3 favorites]

I know that everyone has their pride, but with politicians - perhaps especially Republican politicians - this kind of bone-headed denial of even so much as the slightest smear of impropriety until the evidence is overwhelming is telling.

It's all about perception, rather than reality. The implication that any behaviour can be denied, managed, spun or "handled" - even with such bizarre statements as "My wife didn't know that I was helping this woman out with her - um - living expenses for 13 years" has immediate relevance to the state of political discourse today. Especially when the truth isn't so hard to say: "Yes, I had an affair. Millions of Americans do the same, but that doesn't excuse my actions. This is my personal life, and should not be a reflection of my ability to make policy, or to be a leader for this country."

And as for "Women For Cain" (as pointed now, now just "Women", with the word "Cain" creeping like a shark's fin below them) is a dead-wrong approach. We would have eviserated Rick Perry even more if his response to the allegations around his hunting lodge was a web page saying "Hey, African Americans really like me! I can prove it! If you're black, sign up and say something nice!"
posted by Bora Horza Gobuchul at 2:27 PM on December 2, 2011 [6 favorites]

What exactly is the appeal that just dropping four and five dot ellipses into random points in your writing has to stupid people making Internet comments anyway?

I always assume that the ellipses are representing the true thoughts of the writer that contradict what they've left in the comment. For example:

Hello, Herman Cain, you need to focus about this America" and don't even listen to all this women ,that they don't have nothing good to say about you (because you completely harassed them) they they are money hungry (like many Americans because insane neocon CEOs like you have put the economy in the crapper) and women like this, Don't care or don't have no "SHAME to go on TV (because they're correctly anxious to make sure you don't get elected president) to use lies, for money (or, in their case, to use honestly to bring to light your character flaws) somebody has been paying this women. They make me sick to my stomach (or maybe its the Godfather's Pizza that I ate for lunch that is making me sick to my stomach - its really vile) they need to start digging a hole on the ground n till they rich china'

Use ellipses at your own peril, people. I fill in my own meanings.
posted by Joey Michaels at 2:33 PM on December 2, 2011 [10 favorites]

Yes sio42, you are thinking of Thierry Guetta "Mr. Brainwash" who is either a Banksy side project or shameless copycat (or both) from the great film Exit Through the Gift Shop.

bansky is the late night Polish mod
posted by 2bucksplus at 2:34 PM on December 2, 2011

The messages of support are hilarious and utterly depressing at the same time:

You are the embodiment of Martin Luther King Jr. 'I have a dream' speech.

Words fail. He's also here by divine providence and all that. This will be on HBO in 100 years.

I await a post that includes:

Keep it up Mr. Cain!
posted by juiceCake at 2:34 PM on December 2, 2011 [1 favorite]

We would have eviserated Rick Perry even more if his response to the allegations around his hunting lodge was a web page saying "Hey, African Americans really like me! I can prove it! If you're black, sign up and say something nice!"

Has anyone claimed that Cain's problem is that women don't like him enough?
posted by Navelgazer at 2:34 PM on December 2, 2011 [1 favorite]

Like, I dunno, maybe someone said "dammit, get that four women thing outta the logo" and the intern was like "okay, removed "FOR", removed women..."
posted by cortex at 2:35 PM on December 2, 2011 [13 favorites]

What exactly is the appeal that just dropping four and five dot ellipses into random points in your writing has to stupid people making Internet comments anyway?

It's basically an 'uhm'.
posted by empath at 2:36 PM on December 2, 2011 [1 favorite]

Women for Cain

It's a trap!
posted by villanelles at dawn at 2:36 PM on December 2, 2011 [1 favorite]

Words fail. He's also here by divine providence and all that. This will be on HBO in 100 years.

No doubt these comments will be read by the major actors of 2111 in Ken Burns-like tones as sepia photos of Mr. Cain float across the background.
posted by Joey Michaels at 2:38 PM on December 2, 2011 [3 favorites]

"I am not an unattractive woman."
posted by Burhanistan at 2:38 PM on December 2, 2011 [5 favorites]

I almost feel sorry for Cain.

When it comes to sex, Republicans are perhaps the biggest hypocrites on the planet, substituting honest, grown-up, consensual relationships with payoffs, lawsuits and lies. And despite all the women who have come forward — one who relates a pretty awful tale of what still seems to me to be only a step or two removed from rape — the press have, for some reason, handled Cain with kid gloves. Maybe it's my failure as a human being, but I can't really feel too sorry for him, and I can't help but wonder if he and the other Republican candidates have shown they deserve a lot more scrutiny into their private lives.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 2:42 PM on December 2, 2011 [8 favorites]

What exactly is the appeal that just dropping four and five dot ellipses into random points in your writing has to stupid people making Internet comments anyway?

See, I always took those illiterate ellipses to mean "wait a minute, I'm trying to think of something here, hold on, just a minute, yeah, wait, okay, here it is, almost."
posted by spitbull at 2:51 PM on December 2, 2011 [1 favorite]

How's his pizza? That is we we should judge the man
posted by Postroad at 2:52 PM on December 2, 2011 [2 favorites]

Maybe it's my failure as a human being,

Nah. I *almost* feel sorry for him, but not quite. If that's a failure, I'm okay with that.
posted by rtha at 2:54 PM on December 2, 2011

What's amazing to me is that people will voluntarily step into a national campaign for President and not expect these things to, you know, come up. Obviously one has to have dangerous levels of ego (or else be Jimmy Carter) to run for President, but the delusion involved here is baffling.
posted by Navelgazer at 2:57 PM on December 2, 2011 [6 favorites]

I am near tears at the knowledge that there are other people who file the users of excessive ellipses into the Golgafrinchan Ark B category. Seriously, people who spew dots at random intervals, apparently I am not the only person who hates you in the whole world! I am not alone!

Also, his pizza is horrible, but that ad video for him with the guy with the flowers and the curtains hanging on the outside of the shack is so crazy I can almost forgive him his pizza.
posted by winna at 2:58 PM on December 2, 2011 [2 favorites]

I think this kind of ellipses use indicates heavy breathing. You know, when not very articulate people start ranting and they run out of words and then their chests heave impotently, pitifully.
posted by angrycat at 2:58 PM on December 2, 2011

> How's his pizza?

If I recall correctly from way back when, slightly below average.
posted by Burhanistan at 2:58 PM on December 2, 2011

No doubt these comments will be read by the major actors of 2111 in Ken Burns-like tones as sepia photos of Mr. Cain float across the background.

It will be called Cain Isn't Able. The best sitcom of 2111.
posted by juiceCake at 3:04 PM on December 2, 2011 [7 favorites]

Here's my theory regarding the Republican "candidates". All this crap has been preplanned. As a money-making scheme for the GOP. Perry, Cain and Gingrich were each planned to get 5 or 6 weeks of time . The candidate du jour gets that nice sweet campaign funds (plus government public funds) to fill their private coffers - a percentage of which undoubtedly gets funneled into their private stash. The GOP gets a percentage of the stash to bankroll their real candidate in early '12 - which will be Mitt. What I am saying is that this is all a big con-job to raise money for the GOP and the pseudo-candidates like Cain, Perry and Newt get a piece of the action.

It goes beyond cynicism. It goes beyond satire. It's just another institutional con-job like we've seen in the financial sectors.
posted by Poet_Lariat at 3:13 PM on December 2, 2011 [14 favorites]

There are more women Herman Cain has not had an affair with or sexually harassed than he has. People need to lay off him.
posted by Ironmouth at 3:14 PM on December 2, 2011 [1 favorite]

Hermie the Love Bug
posted by madamjujujive at 3:17 PM on December 2, 2011

Andrew Sullivan today referred to the GOP primary as "a talk radio version of American idol."

I thought that nailed it.
posted by spitbull at 3:18 PM on December 2, 2011 [7 favorites]

the Herman Cain campaign was an epic trolling minstrel show. I'm not sure he knew, but I'm starting to think he did. his campaign has funding from the Kochs, as does Romney. I'm reasonably sure they sent him out to make a complete mockery of the idea of a black president while simultaneously giving the media something to feast on for a few months while Romney quietly campaigned and raised money.

the sex 'scandal' thing is completely ridiculous. of course he did all of it, but it doesn't even matter. do you really think someone even gets to even start a campaign without being at least sort of vetted? the same people who started him, ended him.
posted by ninjew at 3:19 PM on December 2, 2011 [4 favorites]

God knows I don't support Cain or support taking Cain seriously, but the whole stock photo thing is baffling to me. That is, the reaction to the use of one. It's a corporate website -- what is so surprising or hilarious or damning about it using a stock photo? Websites do this every day; it's why there ARE stock photos. But somehow in this context it's supposed to mean something incredibly negative? I don't get it.
posted by Legomancer at 3:20 PM on December 2, 2011 [4 favorites]

I can't stop laughing at "Women Cain". I'm laughing so hard I might have to just start Friday early. Thank you for this, thank you so much.
posted by Oh OK HA HA at 3:23 PM on December 2, 2011

"What's amazing to me is that people will voluntarily step into a national campaign for President and not expect these things to, you know, come up. Obviously one has to have dangerous levels of ego (or else be Jimmy Carter) to run for President, but the delusion involved here is baffling."

Indeed. Or to look at it another way, why aren't there more boring, everyday non-scandalous people running for office? Maybe there's something of a correlation between those who seek out power and the kind of personality that will abuse their power over others.
posted by Kevin Street at 3:26 PM on December 2, 2011

I can't take any credit for this, but a friend summarized this campaign perfectly today:

It occurs to me that Herman Cain's campaign is analogous to The Producers. You got a guy who realized that he could sell a ton of books if he ran for President. Now he knows about his past, but as long as he can poll in single digits, nobody will care. The wheels can only come of if he's taken seriously as a candidate. So he trots out "9-9-9" and the crocodiles protecting the border -- sort of his equivalent of "Springtime for Hitler." But in the end his faith in the American voter is his undoing, they push him to #1 in the polls and all is undone. Other than the music this thing writes itself.
posted by meinvt at 3:30 PM on December 2, 2011 [44 favorites]

Christ I'm going to miss him when he's gone :( Heart you, Herm.
posted by auto-correct at 3:37 PM on December 2, 2011

winna, that's the beauty of MetaFilter. No matter how esoteric your hatreds are, you're never alone in them here.
posted by strangely stunted trees at 3:43 PM on December 2, 2011

I really can't wrap my mind around the way they removed that image. Sure, it's easy to make jokes about how Cain couldn't find any actual supporters who are women, but the use of stock photography in this way can't be too rare in politics. Can it? It's not that embarrassing.

But a few snarky mentions of it on the internet seem to be enough to merit destroying the most visible element on their page. How can these people function with skin that thin?
posted by brundlefly at 4:01 PM on December 2, 2011

Oh OK HA HA: (at 3:23pm PST) I can't stop laughing at "Women Cain". I'm laughing so hard I might have to just start Friday early. Thank you for this, thank you so much.

Early?! By my watch, if you're starting now you're already more than 15 hours late.
posted by hincandenza at 4:02 PM on December 2, 2011

It's still missing the "for" and the image (7pm est).

The gang that can't shoot straight. Presumably the nephew who runs the website is out back smoking with Mark Block.
posted by spitbull at 4:05 PM on December 2, 2011

Also they oughta replace it with an image of the Atlanta "real housewives" all holding out their big peaches.
posted by spitbull at 4:06 PM on December 2, 2011 [1 favorite]

There's a distant relative on my Facebook who uses at least three exclamation points after every sentence !!!!! "Went to the mall today !!! It was OK, I guess !!!!!!!" WTF, lady !!!

Oh, yeah, and she puts a space before the first exclamation point !!!!!!

I finally had to hide her from my wall !!!
posted by dirigibleman at 4:11 PM on December 2, 2011 [6 favorites]

Here's my theory regarding the Republican "candidates". All this crap has been preplanned.

It's so obvious at this point that they're going with Mitt Romney, the only one at this point that looks even remotely like an adult, and they've probably been planning it from the start.

The poll numbers have been crazy in all of this. Some candidate comes up, the inevitable allegations of wrong-doing or obvious stupidity, the playful cat that is the press bats him down, the poll numbers immediately shift to the next candidate in line.

If they hadn't orchestrated this as theater to raise money and appease people who don't like Romney, then I'd have to assume that anyone else who could possibly want to be a Republican candidate would have to be an immoral asshole, an idiot, or both. Because it's crazy how none of the Republican candidates can sustain more than a week of media scrutiny before they melt down into slag metal.
posted by JHarris at 4:14 PM on December 2, 2011 [3 favorites]

God knows I don't support Cain or support taking Cain seriously, but the whole stock photo thing is baffling to me. That is, the reaction to the use of one. It's a corporate website -- what is so surprising or hilarious or damning about it using a stock photo?

It's not a corporate website. It's a political one. In theory, it's a whole website that exists for the sole purpose of promoting the idea that there are many women who support Herman Cain. Real ones, not hypothetical ones. So the lulz comes from the fact that rather than actually being a picture of Cain supporters, they're random models from a stock photo site. Herman Cain himself is not a generic corporate product, but - in theory at least - a serious candidate for the highest office in the land, one that cannot be attained without having an awful lot of people, many of them presumably photogenic, as dedicated supporters.
posted by Tomorrowful at 4:16 PM on December 2, 2011 [4 favorites]

Andrew Sullivan today referred to the GOP primary as "a talk radio version of American idol."

I thought that nailed it.

Donald Trump tapped to moderate GOP debate.
posted by furiousxgeorge at 4:40 PM on December 2, 2011 [1 favorite]

Perry, Cain and Gingrich were each planned to get 5 or 6 weeks of time .

The complication is that Gingrich's 5 or 6 weeks of fame take place during the Iowa caucuses.
posted by goethean at 4:41 PM on December 2, 2011 [1 favorite]

"Cain Needs Women"?

That makes sense, since I'm convinced he's a fucking Martian.
posted by jonmc at 4:47 PM on December 2, 2011 [1 favorite]

http://www.womenforhermancain.com
posted by brundlefly at 4:47 PM on December 2, 2011 [1 favorite]

"The complication is that Gingrich's 5 or 6 weeks of fame take place during the Iowa caucuses."

Just dress in a Godzilla costume and send him into a debate with Obama. Or maybe KISS makeup. You know you want to, GOP...
posted by Kevin Street at 4:51 PM on December 2, 2011

Dress him, that is.
posted by Kevin Street at 4:52 PM on December 2, 2011

"I am a work from home mom that has had enough of the establishment telling me how I am to feel. Billy and I have 2 son's and are worried for their future's in this country. We are not career politicians, but individual's that realize something is going very wrong in DC. We have no one to blame but ourselves and it is up to us to take measures to correct it! "

"Dear Mr Cain many years ago I find this not so unique for christians I knew a man Charles in died at 54 i knew him and and his wife and they were beautiful from the heart christians. at one point in my live i was going to lose my home and well he heard about it, so me at Maass and told me Adrinne I want you to go down to the bank Monday and there wil be a check for 40.000 dollars.

I don't know whether to laugh at these women or pity them. Is there anybody in America who could campaign for President and NOT have supporters crawling out of the woodwork? I know serial killers in prison get marriage proposals and I am beginning to think this is the same sort of phenomenon. No matter how bad your policies, no matter how terrible your personal history, no matter how inarticulate you are, there will be sweet, sweet women to declare that You Are The One to Save this Country !!!
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 5:00 PM on December 2, 2011 [2 favorites]

Cain is done and the Tea Party will never vote for Romney, because he can't bring the crazy that they love so much. There's only one clown car in this race, and it's driven by a Newt. Gingrich/Paul 2012!
posted by Kevin Street at 5:08 PM on December 2, 2011 [1 favorite]

It's not even 2012 and I'm sick of the election already. The worst part is, DESPITE the awful slate of candidates and widespread grassroots antipathy to the one guy who MIGHT gives Obama a run for his money, it is STILL not a given that the Democrats can hold the White House. There's plenty of time for them to fuck this up. It GOP voters were dogs, Mitt Romney couldn't get more than 30% of them to lick his balls if he dipped them in peanut butter. And he COULD STILL WIN.

Fuck.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 5:09 PM on December 2, 2011 [8 favorites]

Taking out the word "for" and the stock photograph still leaves the banner with a weirdly placed "Cain." Why is his name cut off? It seems an odd choice to undercut the name of the Guest of Honor. And then there is that strange choice of font; curly women, straight Cain. It makes the "Woman" seem like an alien species.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 5:17 PM on December 2, 2011

I love that it's so heavily pink. "Chicks like pink shit, right? Make it all pink. Launch it!"
posted by brundlefly at 5:19 PM on December 2, 2011 [5 favorites]

I would so love Gingrich to be the nominee. I mean, I'd hurl myself outta the country if he won, but I just want to hear him call people stupid some more.
posted by angrycat at 5:19 PM on December 2, 2011 [1 favorite]

Regarding this candidate's competence and aptitude:

Cain < Abel
posted by Dunvegan at 5:20 PM on December 2, 2011

If only it was Gingrich/Trump, but some things are too beautiful for this world.
posted by Kevin Street at 5:24 PM on December 2, 2011 [1 favorite]

Geeze...What's a guy with the first name of "Her" "Man" supposed to do, eh?
posted by Dunvegan at 5:25 PM on December 2, 2011 [1 favorite]

I'm pretty sure the Kochs haven't backed Romney. Cain actually worked for Americans for Prosperity, one of the Kochs' biggest groups. Supposedly, Bachmann is the other candidate they gave heavy financial back to.

Romney is the traditional business republican candidate. The reason he hasn't got the Tea Party support is because of things like Romney-care, so they keep trying to find an acceptable candidate.

The crazy thing to me is the wide swings from candidate to candidate, like people have nothing backing up their choices, no conviction.
posted by drezdn at 5:47 PM on December 2, 2011 [3 favorites]

If Gingrich were to get the nomination, I'd be shocked. It would be as if everyone forgot about his ethics scandal, leaving the wife with cancer, etc.
posted by drezdn at 5:48 PM on December 2, 2011 [1 favorite]

like people have nothing backing up their choices, no conviction.

Shocked, shocked I am!
posted by spitbull at 5:53 PM on December 2, 2011

Circuses, people. Food stamps and circuses.

And, of course, giving up on democracy entirely. Which is the whole point of the televised political show. Your choices are fucking pathetic on both sides of the aisle and so why even bother?

This works strongly to the advantage of the media mavens, the old-monied families of wealth and power, and all their elite billionaire and millionaire CEO-class friends.

I mean, seriously, we are to believe any of these candidates represents the best that America offers?

Pull the other one, it's got bells on.
posted by five fresh fish at 6:12 PM on December 2, 2011

If Gingrich were to get the nomination, I'd be shocked. It would be as if everyone forgot about his ethics scandal, leaving the wife with cancer, etc.

Not quite. It would be as if the Republican primary electorate forgot. I'm sure that the Obama campaign would be happy to remind the rest of the country of Newt's history.

The economy is still in the toilet but there seems a non-zero chance that the GOP might not be able to keep itself from handing Obama the election.
posted by rdr at 6:13 PM on December 2, 2011 [1 favorite]

I just can't stop imagining an army of Morlocks shuffling around the streets of American cities, abducting random women and bringing them back to campain headquarters to slake their master Herman Cain's endless sexual needs. They are intoning: "Women for Cain...WOMEN FOR CAIN!"

Just me, huh?
posted by neroli at 6:14 PM on December 2, 2011 [1 favorite]

Not quite. It would be as if the Republican primary electorate forgot. I'm sure that the Obama campaign would be happy to remind the rest of the country of Newt's history.

Just like they reminded everyone in 2008 about McCain's ethics scandal, and his leaving his wife who was severely injured in an auto accident?

(I'm assuming that was what drezdn was getting at.)
posted by McCoy Pauley at 6:19 PM on December 2, 2011

xkcd.com has an insightful analysis.
posted by jeffburdges at 7:05 PM on December 2, 2011 [1 favorite]

Personally I'm not very afraid of Newt as the nominee because he's so vastly uncharismatic and condescending, and I imagine he'll look like a petulant lightweight next to Obama in the general. That said, I don't really know how to make memes, but I'd like to make this one that I just came up with, so please someone either do this for me or tell me step-by-step how to do this for myself:

Gingrich is dumb as rocks, but sincerely believes himself to be an expert in all things, and presents his stupid-ass views as though he were bringing them down the mountain. As such, I would like to pair quotes from him with an image of Dr. SPaceman from 30 Rock.

I think we can make this happen.
posted by Navelgazer at 7:26 PM on December 2, 2011 [5 favorites]

Gingrich is dumb as rocks, but sincerely believes himself to be an expert in all things

I thought Krugman summed it up best: Gingrich is a stupid man’s idea of what a smart person sounds like.
posted by hangashore at 8:41 PM on December 2, 2011 [8 favorites]

I'm like 80% sure Herman Cain is actually Sasha Baron Cohen.
posted by Nattie at 9:00 PM on December 2, 2011 [10 favorites]

no, but he might be mike tyson
posted by ninjew at 9:05 PM on December 2, 2011 [1 favorite]

What exactly is the appeal that just dropping four and five dot ellipses into random points in your writing has to stupid people making Internet comments anyway?
posted by stifford at 10:32 PM on December 2, 2011

I have to agree with an earlier poster. Why isn't it obvious that Romney will win? How come CNN (I don't get Fox News) is taking any of the other candidates seriously? They're all jokes, "tokens," or have skeletons that are falling out of the closet. Why was Romney polling so poorly when it's clear that, of all the candidates, he's the least awful (not that that says much)?
posted by Yowser at 11:13 PM on December 2, 2011

I thought Huntsman was the only capable, rational person in the bunch.
posted by five fresh fish at 11:27 PM on December 2, 2011 [2 favorites]

Don't fall for that shit. Huntsman wants to do shit like eliminating all capital gains taxes.
posted by empath at 11:51 PM on December 2, 2011 [1 favorite]

Gingrich is a stupid man’s idea of what a smart person sounds like.

But Gingrich could be the first President who is also a Baen Books author. Maybe John Ringo could be his VP.
posted by Justinian at 12:59 AM on December 3, 2011 [3 favorites]

Gingrich is a "historian" who wrote his lame-assed, totally descriptive, theoretically anachronistic PhD dissertation on Belgian colonial policy in the Congo for no explicable reason other than that he had a Belgian adviser, and then couldn't get tenure at West Georgia State College, or some approximation thereof.

Like a lot of people who never actually produce any serious original scholarship, he ended up as an anti-intellectual with intellectual pretensions.

If President Obama can avoid sighing Al Gore-style in frustration, he will wipe Gingrich all over the floor like a dirty rag in debates.
posted by spitbull at 5:22 AM on December 3, 2011 [3 favorites]

Cain is obviously only in the race in order to get a better gig with Fox. Yes, we're actually in an age when TV channels pay for hopeless presidential candidates to run so that, when they lose, they can be "former presidential candidate so-and-so" in their opinion pieces on the air. We'll know we're in a real dystopia when one of these candidates actually wins an election.

I like Huntsman. The argument for eliminating capital gains taxes is a lot more subtle than it first appears. We current have this weird situation where corporate profits are either taxed at corporate income tax + personal income tax on the dividends (~70%) or as corporate income tax + capital gains tax on reinvestments (~50%). This makes absolutely no sense: it incentivizes companies to keep all their profits in a bank account forever so they pay lower taxes. It's possible to believe that rich investors pay too little tax, AND our current way of taxing them is really frickin' screwed up.
posted by miyabo at 5:44 AM on December 3, 2011

I just checked his web site. We now have a picture of Cain embracing his wife, the "for" is back and the "Cain" is elevated slightly so it is no longer cut off at the bottom. So the women for Cain include his wife. Color me underwhelmed.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 5:48 AM on December 3, 2011

Men for Herman Cain
posted by raztaj at 6:43 AM on December 3, 2011

A lot of you want to believe that the fix is it, that the strings are being pulled by the media elite, the Koch brothers, or some other organized evil.

I don't think that's the case, I believe that people really are just this stupid. At least the 35%+ Republican primary voters who have chosen a candidate.

But there's the silver lining, around 60% are so confused/disgusted by these choices that they still haven't made up their mind.
posted by Mick at 7:05 AM on December 3, 2011

How come CNN (I don't get Fox News) is taking any of the other candidates seriously?

Twenty-four hour news cycle, not "check back in a week, we might have something then, in the mean time here's a yule log" news cycle. When you're operating in a competitive model where you can't stop talking because then the other networks will be grabbing more attention than you, you keep finding things to talk about.

Which means finding stories, finding narratives, finding points of conflict and competition and ups and downs and what will happen nexts. It means if there's no news, you make news.

And in that context, someone trying to become the next President of the United States of America, trying to unseat the current party in power, trying to position themselves in direct opposition of the current administrative status quo? That's a gimme. Seven or eight people doing it at the same time? That's a bonanza.

It doesn't matter if their policy proposals suck. It doesn't matter if they're at times incoherent. That they're trying, that there exists the drama (if only because it's such a universally weak field, with the notional long-term frontrunner a previous loser that nobody even really likes) of a political scrap, of candidates jockeying for position and public approval, that's why it's getting covered.

The news media in this country is dedicated at a superficial level at least to taking the news seriously, and they're desperate for news, and so the things they talk about they by implication talk about seriously. You can have an unserious candidate or two in the mix, but you've gotta be taking someone seriously because news is serious, presidential elections are serious, and if you throw your hands up and say "really, these guys are all terrible, let's talk about something else" you've just lost the plot and people will, the reasoning presumably goes, switch to a different channel.
posted by cortex at 7:54 AM on December 3, 2011 [6 favorites]

I still like the guy from "The Rent is Too Damn High" party. Those sideburns demand 24-hour attention.
posted by angrycat at 8:10 AM on December 3, 2011

I don't know about y'all but I plan on spending the first year of the Romney Administration reading the million old posts about Cain and Bachmann and Perry and weeping angry, bitter tears.
posted by villanelles at dawn at 8:17 AM on December 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

Oh man. Herman Cain's 404 page:

Like an Obama policy, this 404 page gets you nowhere.

But try your search again and maybe you'll come across some Common Sense Solutions.

posted by cortex at 8:23 AM on December 3, 2011 [4 favorites]

A quick review of the other candidates' campaign sites turns up nothing entertaining on the 404s.
posted by cortex at 8:32 AM on December 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

It speaks volumes about the decline of the American electoral process, if indeed not the entire American empire, that a man like Herman Cain (or Newt Gingrich for that matter) can be seriously proposed as a candidate for President and can be actually taken seriously by a large segment of the American media.

I can't agree more with this. It's actually really, really depressing.
posted by odinsdream at 8:33 AM on December 3, 2011

A quick review of the other candidates' campaign sites turns up nothing entertaining on the 404s.

Please tell me Perry's site just says "Oops."
posted by villanelles at dawn at 8:34 AM on December 3, 2011 [6 favorites]

"We're going to beat Obama with a Cain!" (slogan from one of the banners photographed on their website).

I'm normally all for lame puns, but this one made me do a double take. Ooookay then.
posted by Phalene at 9:09 AM on December 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

Is it too much to hope that the testimonials from women include:
"He is SO good!"
"Wow, baby. Just wow."
"Mmm-MM!"
"I need a cigarette."
"Once you've had a taste of Cain, you'll never go back."
"My toes are still curled!"

Where's Anonymous when you need them?
posted by happyroach at 9:42 AM on December 3, 2011 [3 favorites]

I don't know whether to laugh at these women or pity them.

Don't worry, I doubt they're real comments.
posted by endless_forms at 9:43 AM on December 3, 2011

I think it naïve and foolish to think this slate of candidates is not a tool for discouraging people from voting. There are so many examples of blatant disenfranchisement (good lord, is that a word?). It should be obvious that TPTB strongly dislike participative democracy. Likewise, it should be obvious that this clusterfuck of fools is not meant to provide viable options to voters. It must be meant to discourage them.
posted by five fresh fish at 9:53 AM on December 3, 2011

Cain just announced he is done.
posted by furiousxgeorge at 10:43 AM on December 3, 2011

It's naive and foolish to not believe in a secret committee organizing all the Republican campaigns, their media coverage, and their waxing and waning support among various Republican factions? And their machinations are meant to discourage Republicans from voting?
posted by villanelles at dawn at 10:45 AM on December 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

No! Wait! Come back Cain, I haven't mocked you enough yet!

*sniff* I'm gonna miss him...OK, so what's Gingrich doing?
posted by happyroach at 10:50 AM on December 3, 2011

He went out with the Pokemon quote.
posted by furiousxgeorge at 10:52 AM on December 3, 2011 [3 favorites]

YeeHaw!
posted by vrakatar at 10:53 AM on December 3, 2011

OMG I cannot believe he did that. What an insane speech.
posted by spitbull at 10:55 AM on December 3, 2011

I'm shocked. Shocked is what I am.
posted by rtha at 10:58 AM on December 3, 2011

Herman Cain suspends campaign to spend more time with your wife.

Don't ever change, Fark.
posted by dirigibleman at 11:16 AM on December 3, 2011 [12 favorites]

My neighbors down the street have had a Cain for President sign on their front lawn for months, back from when he was polling at 2%. Their car is covered with bumper stickers as well. I wonder how long it will take before the sign comes down; my guess is a very long time. They had the "Another Christian Family for McCain & Palin" sign on their lawn for a year after the election was over and they still have a sign in the window "Keep Your Hands off my Healthcare."
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 1:19 PM on December 3, 2011

In suspending his candidacy, as opposed to saying that he was quitting the race or ending his bid, Mr. Cain maintained his ability to accept money to pay for his campaign so far and to finance the new venture that he called his Plan B: to travel the country promoting his tax and foreign policy plans. If Mr. Cain had decided to formally close his campaign organization, he would not be able to use donations that may come in. NYT

He is pulling' a Palin!
posted by R. Mutt at 1:34 PM on December 3, 2011

Herman's Farewell Letter.
posted by leftcoastbob at 2:18 PM on December 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

Spot on. What a pathetic state of affairs. With leaders like these, who needs enemies?
posted by five fresh fish at 2:24 PM on December 3, 2011

This is Gingrich's thing to lose. I am exploding with ecstasy.
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 2:25 PM on December 3, 2011 [2 favorites]

I'd thought that the whole "ended his farewell speech with a Pokemon quote" thing was just making fun of him at first
posted by DoctorFedora at 3:03 PM on December 3, 2011 [2 favorites]

Why doesn't Cain own up to it? The last time we elected a man dogged by accusations of sexual harassment and extramarital affairs, the economy did great!
posted by jonp72 at 3:42 PM on December 3, 2011

Looks like Herman Cain's got 999 problems, but ... yeah, Herman Cain's got a lot of problems.
posted by octobersurprise at 5:30 PM on December 3, 2011 [9 favorites]

I don't understand how the Republicans could nominate Gingrich. It would be like permanent Christmas for the Obama administration.
posted by Justinian at 5:33 PM on December 3, 2011

I am very curious about what Obama will do with his net four years.
posted by Bunny Ultramod at 5:41 PM on December 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

I recently read that Mr. Gingrich's campaign was seriously understaffed. My first thought... they are reluctant to hire interns!
posted by R. Mutt at 6:09 PM on December 3, 2011

As I recall most of his staff jumped ship to Perry when he announced so...not sure if that proves the staff is bad or they made a really bad call.
posted by furiousxgeorge at 6:30 PM on December 3, 2011

The Onion puts this all in context:

"Rumors Of Extramarital Affair End Campaign Of Presidential Candidate Who Didn't Know China Has Nuclear Weapons"
posted by happyroach at 8:02 PM on December 3, 2011 [12 favorites]

As I recall most of his staff jumped ship to Perry when he announced so...not sure if that proves the staff is bad or they made a really bad call.

The rumor I had heard is that Perry supporters were working in the Gingrich (and Bachmann) campaigns to get intel to help Perry determine if he should run (/beat the others).
posted by drezdn at 8:41 PM on December 3, 2011

Why doesn't Cain own up to it? The last time we elected a man dogged by accusations of sexual harassment and extramarital affairs, the economy did great!

Because the Republicans have pinned their hopes on their base, and their base simply will not put up with any abuse of the sanctity of marriage. It is a marvellous little trap, and they set it for themselves.
posted by JHarris at 9:12 PM on December 3, 2011

Because the Republicans have pinned their hopes on their base, and their base simply will not put up with any abuse of the sanctity of marriage.

... bro, the current frontrunner is Newt Gingrich
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 9:43 PM on December 3, 2011 [7 favorites]

Just you wait. Although if Gingrich owns up to it and says he's "asked Jesus for forgiveness," he might still weather it.
posted by JHarris at 1:30 AM on December 4, 2011

The argument for eliminating capital gains taxes is a lot more subtle than it first appears.

Yeah, he wasn't saying that cap gains and carried interest (that's what private equity partners use to pay super low tax rates) shouldn't be taxed. He's saying that they should be taxed as income. Note that this would raise taxes on the wealthy significantly. He'd also get rid of the mortgage interest tax deduction which is a massive subsidy to property owners from non-property owners.

Unfortunately he ended up backing away from these eminently sensible proposals after a Republican backlash.
posted by atrazine at 5:54 AM on December 4, 2011

beat Obama with a Cain

Could the Cainites be subtly referring to this? The irony would be too rich.
posted by telstar at 8:20 AM on December 4, 2011

One would think that the Republicans being polled are already aware of Gingrich's "Family Values" history, and so far don't care, but I could be wrong. If it becomes and issue, like JHarris says, I imagine he'll say he came to Jesus (and point to his recent conversion to Catholicism).
posted by drezdn at 9:37 AM on December 4, 2011

The portion of the base who would care about the Jesus forgiveness won't trust it coming from a Catholic. Just sayin'.
posted by Navelgazer at 10:07 AM on December 4, 2011

The family values/"sanctity of marriage" crowd only cares about that stuff when it comes to making sure us homos know our place. They do not care about affairs or divorces of their heterosexually married pols because if you say "Sorry, sorry, I talked to Jesus and said sorry and he said okay!" then you're alright.
posted by rtha at 10:31 AM on December 4, 2011 [5 favorites]

For the last 30 years the GOP has nominated the guy who finished second in the preceding primary.
posted by villanelles at dawn at 3:43 PM on December 5, 2011 [2 favorites]

13 Reasons Newt won't be the nominee.
posted by drezdn at 8:51 AM on December 6, 2011

Mitt Romney will be hard to hate in the general for the same reason he is hard to love in a primary," said another Republican. "There isn't much 'there' there, so the spotlight will gravitate to Obama. Romney makes it a referendum on Obama; Gingrich makes it a choice."
posted by villanelles at dawn at 9:03 AM on December 6, 2011

So, now Cain thinks he'd be a good Secretary of Defense? Wow - we don't even need political comedians any more - he's doing his own damn jokes.
posted by aught at 7:47 AM on December 15, 2011 [1 favorite]