Disappointed Mike Sends An Email

December 7, 2011 3:47 PM

"According to the internet, you’re 33 or 32, so, at least from my point of view, we’re a good match in terms of age. I could name more things that we have in common, but I’ll stop here. I don’t understand why you apparently don’t want to go out with me again. We have numerous things in common. I assume that you find me physically attractive. If you didn’t find me physically attractive, then it would have been irrational for you to go out with me in the first place. After all, our first date was not a blind date. You already knew what I looked like before our date." - A heartfelt (1,615 word) email from a rejected Investment Banker.
posted by veedubya (32 comments total)

To paraphrase John Waters: If you go home with somebody and they're an investment banker, don't fuck them.
posted by The White Hat at 3:48 PM on December 7, 2011 [3 favorites]

Cocaine is a hullva drug.
posted by midmarch snowman at 3:49 PM on December 7, 2011 [2 favorites]

Holy crap.

RUN, LADY. RUN LIKE THE WIND.
posted by zarq at 3:49 PM on December 7, 2011

Missing the old and fake tags
posted by Pruitt-Igoe at 3:50 PM on December 7, 2011

Poor creature, he's obviously on the spectrum . . .
. . . which is not to say that he isn't an entitled ass.
posted by Countess Elena at 3:51 PM on December 7, 2011

best of the crap
posted by nathancaswell at 3:51 PM on December 7, 2011

Hi Lauren,

I’m disappointed in you. I’m disappointed that I haven’t gotten a response to my voicemail and text messages.

This is even better if you read it in HAL's voice.
posted by The Card Cheat at 3:52 PM on December 7, 2011 [3 favorites]

I saw this on Reddit the other day. Hilarious stuff.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 3:52 PM on December 7, 2011

I’m open minded and flexible and am willing to give you the benefit of the doubt.

...

In my opinion, not responding to my messages is impolite, immature, passive aggressive, and cowardly. I spent time, effort, and money meeting you for dinner. Getting back to me in response to my messages would have been a reasonable thing for you to do. In addition, you arrived about 30 minutes late for our date. I’m sure you wouldn’t like it if a man showed up thirty minutes late for a first date with you.

...but he's willing to give you the benefit of the doubt....
posted by zarq at 3:53 PM on December 7, 2011

I really do hope it's old and fake. Especially fake.
posted by Linda_Holmes at 3:54 PM on December 7, 2011 [2 favorites]

Shit. I have a 1,700 word column due tomorrow. Hmm...let's see what's on reddit...
posted by graventy at 3:54 PM on December 7, 2011 [1 favorite]

Whenever a story like this pops up in the news I'm reminded of a quote I read somewhere to the effect that if you want to make sure you don't get yourself in trouble on the internet, assume everything you type is going to be read live on air during the Super Bowl halftime show.
posted by The Card Cheat at 3:56 PM on December 7, 2011 [1 favorite]

Someone hook this guy up with Alyssa Bereznak.
posted by Kandarp Von Bontee at 3:56 PM on December 7, 2011 [4 favorites]

Am I sensitive person? Sure, I am. I think it’s better to be sensitive than to be insensitive. There are too many impolite, insensitive people in the world.

Wasn't this one of Vince Vaughn's lines in Wedding Crashers?
posted by OmieWise at 3:57 PM on December 7, 2011

Yeah, there's been a lot of discussion about this all day. My assumption is that she got a really bad feeling from him on the date and so didn't return any of his messages. Fine. I am all about going with your gut in terms of what keeps you safe. But I don't think there's any excuse for publishing this. The only reason to do that is to embarrass another person, and that isn't questionable, it's just cruel.
posted by DarlingBri at 3:57 PM on December 7, 2011 [1 favorite]

When I first saw this I thought some hapless schmoe had taken to heart a reddit post about how to know if a girl is flirting you. It basically said if a girl ever touches her hair, smiles at you, or says anything nice to you it means she wants to jump your bones. Or she's a bitch who's leading you on.
posted by villanelles at dawn at 3:58 PM on December 7, 2011

Creepy, hyper-privileged sociopaths who work in the finance industry...who would have thought?
posted by nonmerci at 3:58 PM on December 7, 2011 [1 favorite]

Sounds like a stalker still wrestling with their training wheels. I'm not trying to be remotely funny in stating that.
posted by Dark Messiah at 3:58 PM on December 7, 2011 [1 favorite]

Someone reads too many how-to-fuck-any-bitch-you-want books.

Also, probably subscribes to /r/mensrights
posted by klanawa at 3:59 PM on December 7, 2011 [4 favorites]

The Gawker featured comments are pretty depressing--somehow several users determined that the woman in question was probably just using this poor, beleaguered investment manager for a free dinner at a nice restaurant and thus deserves his ire. Because that's the logical conclusion to reach after reading his insane, rambling e-mail.
posted by nonmerci at 4:00 PM on December 7, 2011

Yeah, there's been a lot of discussion about this all day. My assumption is that she got a really bad feeling from him on the date and so didn't return any of his messages. Fine. I am all about going with your gut in terms of what keeps you safe. But I don't think there's any excuse for publishing this. The only reason to do that is to embarrass another person, and that isn't questionable, it's just cruel.

It's just a banker.
posted by T.D. Strange at 4:02 PM on December 7, 2011 [1 favorite]

Geez, I hope thats fake. I get rejected by women all the time, they stop responding to my texts and answering my calls. I just give up and go on to the next one, slightly more frustrated at myself - not the girl. Lashing out at the girls isn't going to solve much, fix yourself if you can.
posted by SirOmega at 4:03 PM on December 7, 2011 [1 favorite]

While I don't mean to be offend those on the Autism spectrum, this reads like someone with Auspergers trying to to over-rationalize the dating process.

In other words, the girl didn't like him, so he seeks some scientific explanation for the rejection. He can't understand that people often lose at love from trivial and frivolous reasons.
posted by Yakuman at 4:05 PM on December 7, 2011 [1 favorite]

We had lots of eye contact during our date. On a per-minute basis, I’ve never had as much eye contact during a date as I did with you.

I think there's a point where you can have too much eye contact, and this letter gives me the feeling he overshot it by a mile.

You said that you’re planning to go the NY Philharmonic more often in the future. As I said, I go to the NY Philharmonic often.

I sense a change of plans. In conclusion, I can sum up my review of this piece of prose with one image.
posted by mullingitover at 4:07 PM on December 7, 2011

Perhaps, you’re unimpressed that I manage my family’s investments and my own investments.

Sweetheart, that's what we all do. It just so happens that you started out with more money to do it with -- enough so that you don't have to do anything else.

Trust me, if I had that much money, I'd have your "job," too.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 4:08 PM on December 7, 2011 [3 favorites]

On a per-minute basis, I’ve never had as much eye contact during a date as I did with you.

This makes me feel like maybe he was staring at her with the intensely piercing gaze of a madman and that she kept glancing away nervously. It doesn't count as meaningful eye contact if your date has to keep checking for exits, dude.
posted by elizardbits at 4:11 PM on December 7, 2011 [2 favorites]

Maybe I have internet Deja Vu, but didn't this happen before ? Some investment banker goes on a date and gets a little intensely intense about the intensity ? My google fu is failing me here damn you google for not making verbatim the default but I cant seem to find the original.
posted by Pogo_Fuzzybutt at 4:11 PM on December 7, 2011 [2 favorites]

This makes me feel like maybe he was staring at her with the intensely piercing gaze of a madman and that she kept glancing away nervously. It doesn't count as meaningful eye contact if your date has to keep checking for exits, dude.

Maybe she was put off by his eye contact stopwatch. It takes people a little while to get used to all the clicking.
posted by villanelles at dawn at 4:13 PM on December 7, 2011 [2 favorites]

Occupy My Inbox: The 1% Fights Back.
posted by pjaust at 4:17 PM on December 7, 2011 [1 favorite]

SO and I are trying to decide if this sounds more like Data or Spock.
posted by chaiminda at 4:17 PM on December 7, 2011

I’m sure you wouldn’t like it if a man showed up thirty minutes late for a first date with you.

I was that late for my first date with my (now) wife. She was overjoyed that I was the late one and says that's her trump card if I ever give her a hard time about being late for things.
posted by octothorpe at 4:19 PM on December 7, 2011

I find this hair-standing-on-end creepy as motherfucking shit. The degree to which this guy fails to understand that the object of his unwanted advances is a living, breathing, separate human with individual wants, desires, aspirations and agency - all that have nothing to do with him and his projected wants - is horrifying. Fuck's sake man; get a real doll. We all know you can afford it.
posted by Space Kitty at 4:21 PM on December 7, 2011 [5 favorites]