He

October 3, 2001 3:21 PM

He no longer resembles a human. Saw the video premiere last night on MTV (download if you can stomach it). At first jocko's face is concealed, but then the result of years of mutilation is revealed. I've always wondered what an earthling would grow up to look like on a planet with slightly different climate and gravity, and er, well, you'll see. I understand Brando getting involved, but Michael Madsen and Chris Tucker must really need the cash. The...horror.... The... horror...
posted by sharksandwich (55 comments total)

I've always wondered what an earthling would grow up to look like on a planet with slightly different climate and gravity,

yeah and ive always wondered what an earthling would grow up to look like after years of childhood pressure, abuse, and and unrelenting spotlight. lets make fun of a poor mans self loathing. half of all of hollywoods woman are just as 'mutilated' except we are trained to see them as 'hot.'

leave him alone. hes the king of pop! and you know he at one time must have rocked your booty!
posted by c at 3:40 PM on October 3, 2001

The premiere on MTV was last night? I saw it on VH1 last weekend..odd. we are talking about the 16 minute piece of crap , right?
anyway, I thought it was so funny. I mean, Michael walks into the bar, and starts dancing around and acting suave.... how many bars like that would even let him through the door before they knifed him?
and, can we stand another dance-o-rama faceoff? That was just terrible.
The music reminded me of something off of Off the Wall, or Thriller. I can't believe this is the NEW AWESOME SOUND everyone has been talking about......
Poor Michael.
posted by bradth27 at 3:46 PM on October 3, 2001

Interesting, I hadn't noticed that anything unusual was going on with Michael Jackson. Thanks for the post, very informative.
posted by Doug at 3:47 PM on October 3, 2001

I saw that video last week. It was so creepy. It was like he was wearing a fleshy mask. If you were to see that face in a dark alley you would most likely soil yourself.
posted by geoffrey at 3:48 PM on October 3, 2001

He never rocked my booty. Since he did that Jesus pose at the Brit awards a few years back he's deserved no mercy. He's a freak and his ((current) songs are tuneless, over produced pap.
posted by Summer at 3:51 PM on October 3, 2001

"lets make fun of a poor mans self loathing."

Yes, I will. He reminds me, in a way, like OJ Simpson. Throughout the whole "OJ thing" I kept thinking about how it seems that many celebrities tend to create their own world, believing they can get away with anything they want in their "world". Methinks jocko is the same way. He's insulated in his world and fails to realize how obsurd he is. As far as his childhood goes, well, he's an adult now and although he can't forget his past, he can change his present. My dad used to whip the piss out of me with a 4 inch wide belt because he "loved" me, but I don't wear surgical masks and I certainly haven't spent my money to end up looking like one of those spooky plastic faced Duracell people in commercials a few years back. I think I'll ponder it in my oxygen tank whilst snuggling up with the bones of the Elephant man.

"leave him alone. hes the king of pop!"

I will not leave him alone, HE started it!

"and you know he at one time must have rocked your booty!"

Yes, "So You Wanna Be Starting Something" and "Rock With You" were great roller 'skatin tunes.
posted by sharksandwich at 4:18 PM on October 3, 2001

Ahh, sonny, I remember the good ol' days, when gas was cheap and Michael Jackson was black.
posted by msacheson at 4:23 PM on October 3, 2001

I believe more people were horrified by the pedophilia than by the 'frankenstein-face'...Jackson,OJ,Woody Allen:pathetic assholes,open to jeers because they want 15 more minutes.
posted by Mack Twain at 4:24 PM on October 3, 2001

it's called surgery addiction, can happen to plastic surgery patients. it's really a disease, as you can read here
posted by matteo at 4:25 PM on October 3, 2001

Hey Shark, why do you care that he acts that way? So what if he wants to wear a surgical mask in public, or has tons of plastic surgery. What's the big deal?
He might be the worlds biggest weirdo and all that jazz, but I doubt he spends time online mocking harmless people.
posted by Doug at 4:57 PM on October 3, 2001

His website is so surgically enhanced that it won't even load w/o javascript!
posted by phatboy at 5:12 PM on October 3, 2001

erm.. as I remember it, he hasn't looked human for a long, long while. This is actually more "normal" looking than some pictures I saw about 8 years ago as a kid. I had nightmares for months.
posted by po at 5:12 PM on October 3, 2001

Is there anywhere else to see the video? I'm on a cable modem, but I'm only getting a couple frames a minute of the stream from MJ's website.
posted by arielmeadow at 5:27 PM on October 3, 2001

Yes, "So You Wanna Be Starting Something" and "Rock With You" were great roller 'skatin tunes

Wha...no, must resist...oh god, flashback...

You are in a poorly lit skating rink. George Michael begs somebody to wake him up before they go-go.

There are exits to: candy bar; skate counter; arcade machines; rink.

go skate counter

A girl who looks like Madonna on crack asks 'What size?'

say 8

You receive:

1 size 6 left rollerskate
1 size 9 right rollerskate

Michael Jackson insists that Billy Jean is not his lover.

put on rollerskates

The laces snap. The trucks on the right skate are bent. The outer wheels on the left skate squeak.

go arcade

The following machines are here: Gauntlet; Galaga; Moon Patrol.

play Moon Patrol

You can't - there is gum in the coin slot.

play Galaga

You can't - there is gum in the coin slot.

play Gauntlet

You put 20c in the slot. You play Green Elf. A bigger kid puts 20c in the slot. The bigger kid shoots your food.

Green Elf needs food.
Green Elf needs food.

play Gauntlet

You put another 20c in the slot. The bigger kid punches you in the stomach. You fall down. The bigger kid takes your money.

get up

You have no laces on your skates. Your feet go in different directions. Your ankle twists. You hear something snap. Cyndi Lauper says that it's good enough for you, and it's good enough for her, too, good enough, good enough, aiyaiyaiyaiyai yeah, whoo...
posted by obiwanwasabi at 5:32 PM on October 3, 2001 [1 favorite]

Everyone's got a right to become a total weirdo. Hey, if people gave me tons of money, I wouldn't surgically alter my face a hundred times, but produce overlong self-indulgent "short films" and stream them for public mockery? You bet!
posted by kevspace at 5:35 PM on October 3, 2001

My guess is that this all the weirdness is somehow a part of his preparations to play Edgar Allen Poe in a long-awaited project that was due to begin production a year ago. Maybe he wasn't pale enough for filming then?

It's hard to mock a man I feel so much pity for, really, but oy. Poe? Edgar Allen Poe?! Sweet Jebus, no!
posted by kittyb at 5:36 PM on October 3, 2001

do yourself a favor arielmeadow, and STOP LOOKING NOW. it's 15 minutes that would be better served researching the aforementioned plastic surgery addiction in the journal of the american medical association...or sculpting navel lint
posted by athensltd at 5:36 PM on October 3, 2001

Another never been rocked by Michael booty over here!
posted by thirteen at 5:38 PM on October 3, 2001

mack twain: about a year after the abuse charges were made, I read in variety (I believe) that it was widely accepted in the industry that those charges were, in fact, an extortion attempt. just fyi.

as for the rest, I've always marvelled that he is as *normal* as he is.

can you imagine what it's like to be 4 years old and having security guards surround you because you are in danger of being crushed by the hoard of screaming adolescent girls who love you so much they want to touch you?
posted by rebeccablood at 5:38 PM on October 3, 2001

I was rocked, sort of, in the good ol' Jackson 5 days. Back when the same radio station played (get this) white and black artists! Of course, we all thought the line "I'm a gonna teach you how to get an A!" was really "how to get an egg!". See, we were all just learning about human reproduction and well...


You had to be there.
posted by tommasz at 5:44 PM on October 3, 2001

"He might be the worlds biggest weirdo and all that jazz, but I doubt he spends time online mocking harmless people."

then he is even more worthless!!!
posted by jcterminal at 5:53 PM on October 3, 2001

the only thing good about that video was chris tucker. the guy seemed to have better dance moves than jacko and all of his lines where he kept using titles of michael jackson songs was funny as hell.

besides chris tucker the video was downright creepy. would it be possible for jackson to grab his dick and tap his hat more often? who is jackson's choreographer? has he been sleeping in a time machine b/c the dance moves look like the same ones he's been doing since the 80's and the video looks like a rehashed beat it. marlon brandon was scary. it's become almost impossible to decipher what he says.
posted by suprfli at 6:28 PM on October 3, 2001

Hey, nice work Obiwanwasabi. I spent all my money on Ikari Warriors though. That and trying to get up the courage to ask some girl if she would 'Go with me'. Now I realize it only takes beer. Sweet, sweet beer.
posted by hellinskira at 6:36 PM on October 3, 2001

. I understand Brando getting involved, but Michael Madsen and Chris Tucker must really need the cash.

What the hell are you talking about?
posted by jpoulos at 6:57 PM on October 3, 2001

It could be worse, he could be making himself into some sort of animal like "catwoman" Jocelyne Wildenstein
posted by emptyage at 7:02 PM on October 3, 2001

Yeah...I'm trying hard to give MJ the doubt of it all...but once you mess with your nose that many times...there's no going back.
posted by nakedjon at 7:07 PM on October 3, 2001

You guys are soo cool for picking on Michael.

I feel sorry for you.
posted by websavvy at 7:08 PM on October 3, 2001

I can't help but wonder if that face is really a mask....or if he and janet are really the same person....

what is REALLY scary is Michael Jackson and I are the same age.....shudder....for that matter so is Madonna.....
posted by bunnyfire at 7:10 PM on October 3, 2001

I can't help but wonder if that face is really a mask....or if he and janet are really the same person....

what is REALLY scary is Michael Jackson and I are the same age.....shudder....for that matter so is Madonna.....
posted by bunnyfire at 7:10 PM on October 3, 2001

Yo, ding dong
ding dong, yo.

you ain't nothin - you ain't nothin!
posted by hotdoughnutsnow at 7:10 PM on October 3, 2001

Yo, ding dong
ding dong, yo.

you ain't nothin - you ain't nothin!

OMG! I thought I was the only person who remembered that. Ding Dong, yo!

"Where you been man? We ain't seen you 'round Burgerworld lately."

"Oh, you know...around."

"You ain't fat! You ain't nothin'!"
posted by ColdChef at 7:20 PM on October 3, 2001

Michael Jackson talk aside for a sec, but related: Chris Tucker is the most irksome celebrity alive. Exhibit A being his "acting" in "The Fifth Element." The single most annoying performance I've ever seen on film, ever - like fingernails scratching a blackboard, only about 10 times worse.
posted by raysmj at 7:22 PM on October 3, 2001

can you imagine what it's like to be 4 years old and having security guards surround you because you are in danger of being crushed by the hoard of screaming adolescent girls who love you so much they want to touch you?


No.
But Donny Osmond can. And he still looks like an earthling.

Sort of.
posted by glenwood at 7:34 PM on October 3, 2001

My thoughts exactly.
posted by verdezza at 7:50 PM on October 3, 2001

When I saw this "video" last week, I knew Jacko's career is over. There's absolutely nothing new about this. First, doing a 15 minute video in a time when even the music video channels don't play videos anymore. Then the dance moves are the same ones he's been doing since Billie Jean and it's just boring now. Add to that, this whole video looks just like the one for Smooth Criminal - fedoras, mobster-style suits, set in a bar. And on top of all that, his creepy face. Defend him how you will, there's no getting around that his face would scare small children now. It practically glows even under the shadow of his hat. (Note how much time he spends looking down.) He should just disappear into his never-never land mansion.
posted by dnash at 8:19 PM on October 3, 2001

Out of curiosity, do you think it was the pedophilia accusations that wrecked his career, or just the passage of time?
posted by Charmian at 8:27 PM on October 3, 2001

Charmian....

Or could it be the scary plastic surgery?
Or could it be the close friendship with Bubbles the Chimp?
Or could it be the inability to evolve past squealing and grabbing his crotch?
Or could it be the fact that he walked down the aisle of his own tribute with his fly down?

Don't get me wrong: I adore vintage MJ, but the man has done many things to be a little scary.
posted by arielmeadow at 9:06 PM on October 3, 2001

I understand Brando getting involved

brando's involvement: approximately 7 seconds of facetime, some whistling, no intelligible dialogue.
posted by grabbingsand at 9:15 PM on October 3, 2001

On the bright side, I think the website is really neat. And it's worth it for "Don't Stop Til You Get Enough." And Chris keeps dropping Jacko song names at the beginning. That's pretty funny. It was like the game in "Whose Line is it Anyway?" where they can only talk in song titles. "This is Dangerous. We should Beat It." And the song itself wasn't horrendously offensive.

That being said, the dance moves were passe, the costuming was rehashed, the plot was utterly nonsensical, and what is that stupid electronic voice manipulation thing that is all the rage? Is that like the in thing now? And Michael: please stop grabbing your junk. The high pitched "whoo hoos" and the breathy "uhh" at the end of each phrase don't do it for me either.
posted by norm at 9:17 PM on October 3, 2001

Booyeah, obiwanwasabi. I could smell that roller-rink wax wafting over the years.
posted by sacre_bleu at 9:26 PM on October 3, 2001

coldchef & hotdoughnutsnow:

can you explain the ding dong reference for me?
posted by suprfli at 9:32 PM on October 3, 2001

well, I can. Cause I lived throught the eighties, when the only person on MTV as much as Madonna, Duran Duran, and Michael Jackson was.....
you guessed it. Weird Al. The ding dong quote was in reference to a video he made parodying Bad.....And it was brilliant. I knew all the words to it, and didn't know a single verse of the Jackson song...
posted by bradth27 at 9:58 PM on October 3, 2001

17 times walked she upon thewarm sand - now she waits for you accross the river.

What will you do when you can't hide anymore?
posted by GaryHall at 1:40 AM on October 4, 2001

it's really a disease
Yet another loser in the New Mefi Tagline Beauty Pageant.

No seriously, folks, I got a million of 'em. What I really wanted to say is : Matteo, you may have tongued that link in your cheek a but before you made it, but if I hear one more time about how addiction to this or freaking that (in this case plastic surgery) is a disease, I'm gonna...well....get even more irate.

And that's not a pretty sight, I guarantee you, mommies and daddies!

Next up, support groups for addiction to ranting semi-coherently on Metafilter.

"But doctor, I get the craving, I feel the need, I can't stop myself! It's ruining my life, rotting my teeth, causing my dog to pee uncontrollably! I'm addicted to MeFi, Doc! Help meeee!"
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 2:01 AM on October 4, 2001

Green Elf needs food!

Bwaaahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
posted by vito90 at 2:49 AM on October 4, 2001

------------------------------------------------------


>> Bubbles pops <<
Celebrity chimp checks out

Sad rumours are coming out of Neverland that Bubbles
the chimp is dead. He enjoyed an exotic life: owning
twenty designer outfits and getting his own hotel
room when he traveled. Jackson acted as parent -
talking baby talk to Bubbles, and changing his diapers.
There were also disturbing reports of him shaving the
chimp's arse when he misbehaved.

However, jealousy eventually destroyed their
relationship, with Michael complaining "I'm the star!
Not that chimp!" Later, he sent him to a private zoo,
saying, "Bubbles just isn't that cute anymore."

Great set of pictures of MJ with animals, including Bubbles

(from "popbitch")
posted by MiguelCardoso at 3:25 AM on October 4, 2001

There wasn't just one Bubbles. There were several. Mr Jackson would apparently throw them out once they got beyond a certain age and get in a new young monkey to be the new Bubbles.
posted by kerplunk at 5:04 AM on October 4, 2001

Don't you think that a lot of what this film is saying is:

"no, really I am an aggressive woman lovin' man"
posted by Spoon at 5:53 AM on October 4, 2001

Check out Don't stop 'til you get enough. If he's really in some kind of plastic surgery addiction loop, wouldn't it be kind of cool if, since he's now about as far from his original appearance as he could be, he started having surgeries to restore him to his old face?
posted by jenwells at 6:07 AM on October 4, 2001

Back to the video, I didn't appreciate him slapping the girl's ass about 5 seconds after meeting her. Reminds me of that SNL sketch a few years back where Michael's handlers take him out on the town to try to pick up girls--they keep coaching him on what to say in order to sound "sexy," and he botches it every time.
posted by whatnot at 8:00 AM on October 4, 2001

Warrior needs Valkyrie, badly
posted by euphorb at 11:47 AM on October 4, 2001 [1 favorite]

sharksandwich, this thread gets a one word review: shitsandwich.

haha just kidding. Tap rüles
posted by cell divide at 12:36 PM on October 4, 2001

sharksandwich, this thread gets a one word review: shitsandwich.

"The can't print that!"
posted by sharksandwich at 3:15 PM on October 4, 2001

play Gauntlet...You put 20c in the slot. You play Green Elf.

(comic book guy voice) What sort of alternate universe is this? Gauntlet for only 20 cents?! Normal mortals paid 25 cents! Playing "Green Elf?" That privilege was not bestowed upon us until Gauntlet II! The elf from the first game was always green, and it ain't easy being green! (cbg voice off)
posted by JDC8 at 7:50 PM on October 5, 2001