OINK OINK

December 24, 2011 6:07 PM

"This was meant as a Christmas present for two girls I know who are 5 and 7, but I don't think I'll give it to them actually. It turned out a bit too evil-demon-pig-from-hell-y for that. Now it's sitting on a shelf threatening me with its existence. I'm not quite sure what I should do with it."
posted by griphus (69 comments total)

That sure looks like Christmas to me.
posted by blaneyphoto at 6:09 PM on December 24, 2011 [4 favorites]

Is that vegan?
posted by MegoSteve at 6:10 PM on December 24, 2011 [2 favorites]

That's some pig.
posted by maudlin at 6:10 PM on December 24, 2011 [16 favorites]

Well, I used to like marzipan. And pork.
posted by Songdog at 6:14 PM on December 24, 2011 [5 favorites]

That's a lovingly detailed marzipan hog anus.
posted by modernserf at 6:16 PM on December 24, 2011 [55 favorites]

MetaFilter: that's 10kg of marzipan, about 47 000 kcal. And it's got six nipples.
posted by neroli at 6:18 PM on December 24, 2011 [3 favorites]

"I don't think I'll give it to them actually"

Good call.
posted by Daddy-O at 6:18 PM on December 24, 2011 [11 favorites]

I think I would have quit about halfway through. And run away.
posted by The otter lady at 6:21 PM on December 24, 2011 [5 favorites]

The page title has never made me laugh so hard. It just seems so... menacing
posted by vogon_poet at 6:22 PM on December 24, 2011 [4 favorites]

"oink, I vwill giff you cardiowascular dizease, oink!"
posted by oonh at 6:24 PM on December 24, 2011 [4 favorites]

Ha! He gave it to them anyway, after consulting their mom. "the pig is getting butchered by two wee lasses this very evening". best christmas ever
posted by jepler at 6:24 PM on December 24, 2011 [4 favorites]

Actually:

An update on the story of this pig: the girls I made it for are not my daughters, they're the daughters of friends. I spoke to the mum last night and she actually gave the ok after having seen the photos. For those of you that have expressed interest in having the pig, I must disappoint you: the pig is getting butchered by two wee lasses this very evening (which is when we celebrate Christmas here in Norway).

Norway has been suffering a butter shortage, so I guess they are getting a little intense about fatty snacks right about now.
posted by maudlin at 6:26 PM on December 24, 2011 [2 favorites]

I enjoy reading the comments of people who are very desirous to posses the devil pig. This is, of course, is how horror flicks start with the invitation to the demonic.

Ah, the girls, where will they make the first cut on the pig?
posted by jadepearl at 6:27 PM on December 24, 2011 [2 favorites]

Rather reminds me of this: http://goo.gl/S2MwT
posted by jim in austin at 6:28 PM on December 24, 2011 [3 favorites]

What parent with any sense of self-preservation says "Sure, give my kids 22 pounds of candy"?
posted by EvaDestruction at 6:29 PM on December 24, 2011 [10 favorites]

The detail (look at the red veins and wrinkles in the skin) is impressive. So much so that I thought it might be real. At any rate it's an impressive piece in a troubling and horrifying David Lynch sort of way. And I'd say go ahead and give it to the girls. It will be a good story for them to tell me in the future concerning creepy weird well-meaning Uncle Jonas and his Baby Pig made of marzipan.

Also, Marzipan sculptures bring big bucks, so there's that silver-lining for the Creepy Uncle Jonas.
posted by Skygazer at 6:31 PM on December 24, 2011 [1 favorite]

tell me OTHERS about in the future....
posted by Skygazer at 6:32 PM on December 24, 2011 [1 favorite]

I think I dissected that in junior high.
posted by jonmc at 6:34 PM on December 24, 2011 [1 favorite]

Charlotte's Web of the Unspeakable Whisperer in the Darkness, the Feaster from Afar.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 6:38 PM on December 24, 2011 [19 favorites]

"I'm not quite sure what I should do with it."

Fire! And lots of it!
posted by 445supermag at 6:51 PM on December 24, 2011 [12 favorites]

It's...terrific.
posted by nosila at 7:08 PM on December 24, 2011 [3 favorites]

That'll do, pig. That'll do.
posted by gwint at 7:19 PM on December 24, 2011 [31 favorites]

That's gorgeous.

I haven't made a marzipan beast in a long time. I wish I had though to make a creature for my own nieces and nephew. Maybe for another occasion.

Marzipan - it's like Play - Doh, but it tastes much better.



Don't look at me like you don't know what Play-Doh tastes like.
posted by louche mustachio at 7:20 PM on December 24, 2011 [14 favorites]

The creatures outside looked from pig to marzipan, and from marzipan to pig, and from pig to marzipan again; but already it was impossible to say which was which.
posted by gwint at 7:21 PM on December 24, 2011 [19 favorites]

aaaand I'm outta pig quotes.
posted by gwint at 7:22 PM on December 24, 2011

For those that are into numbers: that's 10kg of marzipan, about 47 000 kcal. And it's got six nipples.

I would like to think that those figures are all related, somehow.
posted by louche mustachio at 7:22 PM on December 24, 2011 [1 favorite]

Baa Ram Ew.
posted by zarq at 7:26 PM on December 24, 2011 [4 favorites]

I don't see what's wrong with it. My grandmother used to make the loveliest marzipan treats.
posted by orme at 7:31 PM on December 24, 2011 [4 favorites]

You know, the evil is already implicit by photo 8 and painfully obvious by photo 13.

He has no-one to blame but himself.
posted by Grimgrin at 7:48 PM on December 24, 2011

You did a really terrific job! I'm glad you documented your creation.
posted by carmicha at 8:05 PM on December 24, 2011 [1 favorite]

I think it's pretty cool! Marzipan is always good! Evil Pig From Hell is the name of my new rock band!
This will look great on the t-shirts!
posted by Katjusa Roquette at 8:16 PM on December 24, 2011

When I took zoology in college, I had to dissect a fetal pig. That thing reminds me of it.
posted by Chocolate Pickle at 8:28 PM on December 24, 2011

I don't see what's wrong with it. My grandmother used to make the loveliest marzipan treats.

what the actual fuck.
posted by empath at 8:40 PM on December 24, 2011 [16 favorites]

I am really curious what possessed him to think that a realistic marzipan pig was the best gift for two kids. Sure, once he saw that it was demonic he rethought, but where did that first plan come from? A pig? A realisic, dead-looking pig?
posted by jeather at 8:55 PM on December 24, 2011

That is pretty impressive for a guy who decided to make a marzipan pig in a lark. Not a bad mustache either. I think there could be a way to combine what seem like two talents, marzipan sculpting and mustache growing into one activity, marzipan mustache sculpting.
posted by Ad hominem at 9:07 PM on December 24, 2011 [1 favorite]

On a lark, although a pig in a lark would make a cool followup.
posted by Ad hominem at 9:09 PM on December 24, 2011 [2 favorites]

I don't see what's wrong with it. My grandmother used to make the loveliest marzipan treats.
posted by neuromodulator at 9:21 PM on December 24, 2011 [2 favorites]

oh my god what the fuck did i just see

THAT IS NOT WHAT I WANTED SANTA TAKE IT BACK
posted by elizardbits at 9:30 PM on December 24, 2011 [7 favorites]

That'll put marzipan in your pie plate, Bingo!
posted by John Kenneth Fisher at 9:53 PM on December 24, 2011 [7 favorites]

I'm calling the thread. John Kenneth Fisher has won.
posted by tzikeh at 10:06 PM on December 24, 2011 [2 favorites]

Oh, the nightmares I'll have tonight.
posted by deborah at 11:03 PM on December 24, 2011

Four legs bad.
posted by mosk at 11:18 PM on December 24, 2011

Happy Hogswatch everyone!
posted by idiopath at 11:46 PM on December 24, 2011 [4 favorites]

oh my god what the fuck did i just see

THAT IS NOT WHAT I WANTED SANTA TAKE IT BACK

This is pretty much what my husband and I cried out when we saw this, for like five minutes. It's open now in another tab, haunting me. I can't bring myself to close it.

I want.. I want to look at it again..
posted by Malice at 11:52 PM on December 24, 2011 [5 favorites]

Some pig.
posted by Cocodrillo at 12:30 AM on December 25, 2011 [1 favorite]

OTOH, think of all that delicious marzipan!!! I don't care if it looks like The Pig Of Death when I start thinking of enough marzipan for a large family!
The pig portrayed looks like an excellent argument against the consumption of pork however.
Oh 'Pig of Death' is the new name of my next rock band. That is all! Cowering under the bed because of small arms fire.
Carry on as before.
posted by Katjusa Roquette at 12:46 AM on December 25, 2011

For extra bonus points, make little marzipan lungs, heart, kidneys, intestines, skull, brain... More authentic disassembly experience.
posted by Meatbomb at 1:14 AM on December 25, 2011 [2 favorites]

Looks like a Ron Mueck or Patricia Piccinini sculpture.
posted by aeschenkarnos at 1:41 AM on December 25, 2011 [3 favorites]

After all the crap I went through making my movie monster, why didn't I think of Marzipan?!
Idiot.
posted by qinn at 1:55 AM on December 25, 2011 [1 favorite]

Marzipan is murder.
posted by whuppy at 4:32 AM on December 25, 2011 [1 favorite]

Have you staked it, cut off its head and stuffed its mouth with garlic yet? 'Cause, you like, should.
posted by Splunge at 4:55 AM on December 25, 2011 [1 favorite]

What the heck is marzipan?
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 5:06 AM on December 25, 2011 [1 favorite]

Marzipan is a candy made primarily of almond and sugar that is very malleable. Here's a recipe.
posted by zarq at 5:21 AM on December 25, 2011 [1 favorite]

Fancy thinking the beast was something you could sculpt and eat.
posted by milk white peacock at 7:12 AM on December 25, 2011

What the heck is marzipan?

Man. have you been missing out. I'm eating stollen with marzipan right now. Yum.
posted by Squeak Attack at 7:13 AM on December 25, 2011

I have a bag of marzipan szaloncukor (Hungarian Christmas candy that you tie on the tree if you are traditional and just eat out of the bag if you are too lazy to tie dozens of candies to a tree before eating). Given the Hungarian love of pork, I think I know what I'm making next Christmas! Mwah ha ha ha haaaaa!
posted by bitter-girl.com at 7:43 AM on December 25, 2011 [1 favorite]

A friend of mine came back from Germany and brought back marzipan fruit, vegetables and a middling size pig. He had a party where he ceremoniously cut the marzipan pig and served the fruit and veggies on plates for people. I thought it was a German thing for luck or some such. Was I deceived?
posted by jadepearl at 8:41 AM on December 25, 2011

"A pig like that, you don't want to eat him all at once."
posted by hangashore at 9:43 AM on December 25, 2011

There are many paths to summon Cenobites to this reality. One such path involves 10kg of marzipan.
posted by benzenedream at 9:44 AM on December 25, 2011 [3 favorites]

I thought it was a German thing for luck or some such. Was I deceived?

Not according to this much less demonic but still slightly creepy pig.
posted by EvaDestruction at 9:51 AM on December 25, 2011

I'm calling the thread. John Kenneth Fisher has won.

Thanks, but I'll happily hand the trophy over to gwint. That one made me spit up my drink.
posted by John Kenneth Fisher at 2:58 PM on December 25, 2011

I did something like that once - I was making a small animal pillow for a friend's baby. It was supposed to be a red velvet fox, but ended up looking like the devil. It was so creepy I ended up making a different pillow for the baby, but my boyfriend thought the demon fox was awesome, so now it sits on his couch and mocks me.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 3:15 PM on December 25, 2011

I see the artist has trimmed up his pencil mustache and popped his peepers for the photo shoot.
posted by ostranenie at 6:12 PM on December 25, 2011

The fact that this is a frighteningly accurate representation of a dead pig is not nearly as unsettling as the fact that there are people who like marzipan.

Who's with me?
posted by tzikeh at 6:30 PM on December 25, 2011 [4 favorites]

I love marzipan. Almonds and sugar yum.
posted by sandraregina at 7:21 PM on December 25, 2011

Marzipan has such a horrible mouthfeel that I just can't get into it, despite my love of both almonds and sugar.
posted by joannemerriam at 7:26 PM on December 25, 2011

Who's with me?

I technically like marzipan as a medium for food weirdness, but I find the actual willing consumption of it to be extremely bizarre. It lasts fucking forever so I guess we will have to learn to enjoy it postapocalypse.
posted by elizardbits at 8:07 PM on December 25, 2011

All animals are evil, but some are more evil than others.
posted by Hello, I'm David McGahan at 1:10 PM on December 27, 2011

Stab it with their steely knives, but they just can't kill the beast.
posted by jadepearl at 6:32 PM on January 2