Capricorn One, for real.

January 4, 2012 3:58 PM

"...Obama isn’t just lying about his identity. He’s lying about his military service record, too. While his political opponents in 2008 attacked him for never serving, in truth, he was concealing his participation in a hidden CIA intergalactic program hosted at a California community college in 1980."
posted by Brandon Blatcher (77 comments total)

finally, the truth outs.
posted by leotrotsky at 4:00 PM on January 4

Trust no ones.
posted by Artw at 4:02 PM on January 4

What's crazier, the story or the comments?

I know, I violated the first rule of the Internet.
posted by eyeballkid at 4:02 PM on January 4 [2 favorites]

Obama was one of 10 youths selected to secretly teleport to and from Mars . . . Between 1981 and 1983, Obama is supposed to have visited Mars twice, by way of a teleportation chamber called a “jump room.”

Wasn't this show on Nickelodeon? You know, there was the blond kid, the ginger, the nerd, the spunky girl, the dark-haired broody boy, the twins, the Asian girl and the cool black dude? Looked just like Barry in that picture.
posted by Countess Elena at 4:04 PM on January 4 [4 favorites]

With special guest appearance by Ed Dames. Now that's a conspiracy.
posted by Roman Graves at 4:05 PM on January 4

That was called Space Cases and it was fiction.
posted by The Whelk at 4:05 PM on January 4 [4 favorites]

White House Denies CIA Teleported Obama to Mars

Fuck denial. I'd run with this.

"Jay, there's this report that the President was teleported to Mars..."
"Yes, he was."
"Yes? I don't understand..."
"Yes. The President was teleported to Mars."
"You're confirming this?"
"You're damn right. Next question."
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 4:06 PM on January 4 [129 favorites]

Ignore Basiago and Stillings at your own peril. If Obama’s reelected, the U.S. is finally colonizing Mars.

If there was a candidate who was serious about starting a program to colonize Mars I would vote for them so hard.
posted by mstokes650 at 4:07 PM on January 4 [11 favorites]

Back in 2008 I would've believed this...
posted by dave78981 at 4:08 PM on January 4

You may mock, but has Obama ever been proven to have red blood? Wait, he has? Let me examine the syringe personally, then, since the Founders' trickery knows no bounds. We should also apply the MacReady Test as well. And he can explain his familiarity with Vulcan rituals while we're at it.
posted by Halloween Jack at 4:10 PM on January 4 [4 favorites]

What makes these guys think they can reveal information this explosive without mysteriously dying in an unfortunate accident? Those tinfoil hats aren't armor.
posted by adamrice at 4:11 PM on January 4 [6 favorites]

It's a quick shuttle ride from Mission: Space to The Hall of Presidents. Check out the Mad Tea Party at some point too.
posted by davebush at 4:11 PM on January 4 [5 favorites]

Deceive Inveigle Obfuscate
posted by Artw at 4:15 PM on January 4 [2 favorites]

This features some excellent bogus conspiracy reporting of the type you find all over the internet, applicable to anything. Very instructive.

"Officially, the White House says Obama never went to Mars."
"It is not known what exactly Obama did on Mars. "
"You can scoff at the idea of Obama on Mars. But it explains a lot."
posted by chavenet at 4:16 PM on January 4 [6 favorites]

I kinda miss all the black helicopter X Files shit.
posted by Artw at 4:19 PM on January 4 [1 favorite]

It is not known what exactly Obama did on Mars.

Oh god, this sentence. This sentence.
posted by byanyothername at 4:19 PM on January 4 [30 favorites]

Well this explains the President's support of community colleges, now doesn't it.
posted by R. Mutt at 4:21 PM on January 4 [7 favorites]

I think I saw this in an episode of Inspector Spacetime.
posted by furiousxgeorge at 4:21 PM on January 4 [15 favorites]

Mars Needs Imams
posted by perhapses at 4:21 PM on January 4 [27 favorites]

I heard Obama floats if dunked in water.
posted by maryr at 4:22 PM on January 4 [2 favorites]

Nothing unusual here. Back in the 80s, the Kenyan government had its birth certificate and passport offices on Mars.
posted by anothermug at 4:22 PM on January 4 [1 favorite]

Someone ask Dr
Manhattan if he knows anything
posted by The Whelk at 4:23 PM on January 4

It is not known what exactly Obama did on Mars. (Socializing Martian health care, perhaps? Building a birth-certificate printing press?)

Clearly, he attended a marsdrassa.
posted by brundlefly at 4:25 PM on January 4 [28 favorites]

It is not known what exactly Obama did on Mars.

That's it. Time to write that novel.
posted by AdamCSnider at 4:27 PM on January 4 [7 favorites]

We do know what Schwarzenegger did on Mars though, right?
posted by maryr at 4:28 PM on January 4 [1 favorite]

You may mock, but has Obama ever been proven to have red blood?

Red like Soviet Russia!
posted by Mister Fabulous at 4:28 PM on January 4

No that was Herman Cain.
posted by jonmc at 4:31 PM on January 4 [1 favorite]

I knew there had to be one of these by now.
posted by mstokes650 at 4:32 PM on January 4

You may mock, but has Obama ever been proven to have red blood?

Actually...
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 4:32 PM on January 4 [1 favorite]

"Officially, the White House says Obama never went to Mars."

Of course, he never went there. He's from there which makes all of this just more liberal-media obfuscation.
posted by philip-random at 4:34 PM on January 4 [4 favorites]

Deceive Inveigle Obfuscate

Isn't that the new Fox News slogan?
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 4:34 PM on January 4 [1 favorite]

Was it 'Space Cases' or 'The Tomorrow People'?
posted by feistycakes at 4:38 PM on January 4 [2 favorites]

Isn't that the new Fox News slogan?

ALL LIES LEAD TO THE TRUTH.
posted by Artw at 4:40 PM on January 4 [1 favorite]

Obama turned me into a newt!!
posted by Greg_Ace at 4:41 PM on January 4 [2 favorites]

"So, when did Mister Obama stop going to Mars?"
posted by jferg at 4:49 PM on January 4

Newt turned me into an Obama!!
posted by katemonster at 4:54 PM on January 4 [3 favorites]

I wish I was better at anagrams right now.
posted by The Whelk at 4:59 PM on January 4

From Wag the Dog:

Ames: It won't hold, Connie, it won't prove out.
Brean: We don't need it to prove out. We need it to distract them for two weeks til the election.

posted by argonauta at 5:00 PM on January 4 [3 favorites]

Newt turned me into an Obama!!

Newthulsa Doom!!!
posted by ennui.bz at 5:01 PM on January 4

In 1983 I was in a hell of a lot better shape than I am now.  To get to "work" we had to go 20 at a time into this elevator sized machine.  It was really cramped in there and supposedly instantaneous. However before we'd go whizzing off there were checklists and knobs to adjust.  So we'd have to stand there for hours while engineers kept adjusting and fiddling.

Obama smoked a lot before the missions.  After the first time out with him we all kept breath mints; cause god help you if you were next to lt stinky.  Hours jammed in there unable to turn around and he wants to talk.   

We do our mission and the way back was worse.  No cigarettes over there and you couldn't bring em.  It was cold there.  We're jammed back into the machine, tired and mostly wanting to zone out.  Except Barack gets antsy and even more talky when  he starts withdrawing from the nicotine.  The memories of freezing my ass off, and everyone is huddled together just hoping to get back for a hot shower and wanting to enjoy still being alive.  Yet we can't have a fucking moment of peace 'cause Barack won't STFU.  Also he won't hold still so it takes the engineers forever to get the system setup.

Fucking Mars.  I hate that place.
posted by humanfont at 5:14 PM on January 4 [36 favorites]

"Chrononaut" is my favorite new word of the week.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 5:14 PM on January 4 [1 favorite]

Changeling we can believe in?
posted by Mikey-San at 5:27 PM on January 4 [4 favorites]

Barack Hussein Obama

Mars Bacon Base Haiku

we're through the looking glass people.
posted by The Whelk at 5:38 PM on January 4 [32 favorites]

I kinda miss all the black helicopter X Files shit.

Me too! I think my obsession with it in the 90s explains why I'm more anti-government than my liberal brethren.
posted by Roman Graves at 5:44 PM on January 4

There's no direct evidence that he doesn't know how to operate the Tardis.
posted by Mcable at 5:45 PM on January 4 [1 favorite]

It makes a lot of sense if you remember that there were eight candidates for the Republican nomination, and that there are eight planets (sorry, Pluto!) Each Republican candidate corresponds to a particular planet.

For example, Santorum corresponds to Uranus.
posted by twoleftfeet at 5:51 PM on January 4 [18 favorites]

Killian documents controversy
posted by ovvl at 5:51 PM on January 4

I thought Obama was the clone of a pharaoh? Or Malcom X's child?

Darn, all these conspiracy theories are confusing.

Why won't conspiracy theorists get together and coordinate on a Unified Theory of Bullshit for us to make fun of?
posted by mccarty.tim at 6:04 PM on January 4 [1 favorite]

I keep thinking about a jay Carney-led press conference as described by Cool Papa Bell, and snickering.
posted by wintermind at 6:05 PM on January 4 [1 favorite]

Where's the kaboom? There was supposed to be an earth-shattering kaboom!
posted by the Magna Carta at 6:15 PM on January 4

Mars Bacon Base Haiku

ASK CIA BE A HUB ON MARS
posted by sfenders at 6:19 PM on January 4 [11 favorites]

Wintermind: I keep thinking about a jay Carney-led press conference as described by Cool Papa Bell, and snickering.


Same here. Too fucking funny. I hope Carney is a Mefite.
posted by Skygazer at 6:23 PM on January 4 [1 favorite]

I wondered into that class by accident once, instead of my Life Drawing class. I thought the model was kind of small and grey and had no dick, which was weird, but I was high as a kite, so I just sat down and didn't say anything. He stared at me for a while, which was weird too, because he was naked and I wasn't sure if he was a chick or not. Finally he kind of yelled at me without moving his mouth and I figured it must be a class in Ventriloquism. I don't how knew my name, but he called me Mister Negative (I wasn't a doctor yet) and said this wasn't my class but I was kind of digging the ventriloquist thing and didn't want to go. The next thing I knew I woke up naked in my car, with one blood shot eye and a weird bump on the back of my head. About par for the course, those days.
posted by doctor_negative at 6:27 PM on January 4 [4 favorites]

Fucking Mars. I hate that place.
You sir (or ma'am) have won the internets for the day.
posted by NorthernLite at 6:34 PM on January 4 [3 favorites]

It is not known what exactly Obama did on Mars.

But we do have footage from the supposedly "failed" Soviet Zond program from which we can recreate a possible narrative.
posted by Smedleyman at 6:38 PM on January 4

I was all SHUT UP, JUST SHUT UP PEOPLE, FOR FUCKS SAKE, SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP

But Mars Bacon Base Haiku? All better.
posted by eriko at 6:39 PM on January 4 [1 favorite]

If a known socialist like Obama went to mars, explain to me why so many Russian probes failed while the American ones succeeded. Have you guys heard of Venera? Not only does it sound like a disease, but it's proof positive that Obama really went to Venus.
posted by feloniousmonk at 6:41 PM on January 4

MARS BEACON ASK HUB AI
posted by Copronymus at 6:44 PM on January 4

I bet Obama releases the Philadelphia Experiment's findings in October this year and revolutionizes travel overnight, winning him the election.
posted by mccarty.tim at 6:58 PM on January 4

Yet across the gulf of space, a mind that is to our minds as ours are to those of the beasts that perish, an intellect vast and cool and unsympathetic and Harvard Law School-trained, regarded this earth with envious eyes, and slowly and surely drew his plans against us.
posted by Bunny Ultramod at 7:05 PM on January 4 [5 favorites]

Somebody got into the Company's L.S.D. Stash, and it was not the president!
posted by Katjusa Roquette at 7:05 PM on January 4

S.O.S.! -- A Manchuria Kebab!!
posted by Anything at 7:09 PM on January 4

"Chrononaut" is my favorite new word of the week.

It willen also've your favorite new word of the week beginning Monday, 16 June 2031.
posted by obiwanwasabi at 7:23 PM on January 4 [7 favorites]

So much for the first rule of Chrononaut Club.
posted by argonauta at 7:27 PM on January 4 [4 favorites]

I don't know what you just said obiwanwasabi but I like it.
posted by Mei's lost sandal at 7:29 PM on January 4

M. A. R. S. - Mars, bitches! That's where we are going!
posted by Nat "King" Cole Porter Wagoner at 7:41 PM on January 4

I thought Obama was the clone of a pharaoh? Or Malcom X's child?

Darn, all these conspiracy theories are confusing.

You think the conspiracy theories are confusing? Try the normal everyday political discourse. He's a secret conservative corporate owned Bush clone who also happens to be a gun confiscating secret muslim socialist.

The answer to this mystery is obvious
posted by billyfleetwood at 8:20 PM on January 4 [1 favorite]

I volunteer Michele Bachmann for the next Chrononaut training program. She already has the tinfoil hat.
posted by arcticseal at 8:20 PM on January 4 [1 favorite]

Humanfont, please please please tell me where I can preorder your novel. I laughed, I cried!
posted by pashdown at 8:51 PM on January 4

It was almost as good as Cats.
posted by maryr at 9:27 PM on January 4

I thought they all did that?
posted by zoinks at 10:55 PM on January 4

If Obama hasn't been to Mars, why won't he release a document that proves it? What's he trying to hide?
posted by kcds at 6:27 AM on January 5

Teleport? Like a pneumatic tube at the bank?
posted by stormpooper at 7:01 AM on January 5

It all makes sense. Obama did the whole recess appointment of Cordray to shift attention from his Mars trip 30 years ago.
posted by unreasonable at 8:12 AM on January 5

If he was really a sleeper agent from Mars trying to infiltrate human society, he wouldn't use such an obvious fake name like "Barack Hussein Obama", he'd go with something way less fake-sounding, like J'onn J'onzz.
posted by Uther Bentrazor at 8:25 AM on January 5 [1 favorite]

Mars ain't the kind of place to raise your kids.
posted by entropicamericana at 8:41 AM on January 5

Red dust swirls outside
Red rashers upon my plate
Two more weeks til jump
posted by moonmilk at 8:57 AM on January 5 [1 favorite]