Comments on: Capricorn One, for real.

Capricorn One, for real.

Brandon Blatcher — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 15:58:29 -0800

"...Obama isn't just lying about his identity. He's lying about his military service record, too. While his political opponents in 2008 attacked him for never serving, in truth, he was concealing his participation in a hidden CIA intergalactic program hosted at a California community college in 1980."

By: leotrotsky

leotrotsky — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 16:00:30 -0800

finally, the truth outs.

By: Artw

Artw — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 16:02:39 -0800

Trust no ones.

By: eyeballkid

eyeballkid — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 16:02:54 -0800

What's crazier, the story or the comments? I know, I violated the first rule of the Internet.

By: Countess Elena

Countess Elena — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 16:04:04 -0800

Obama was one of 10 youths selected to secretly teleport to and from Mars . . . Between 1981 and 1983, Obama is supposed to have visited Mars twice, by way of a teleportation chamber called a "jump room." Wasn't this show on Nickelodeon? You know, there was the blond kid, the ginger, the nerd, the spunky girl, the dark-haired broody boy, the twins, the Asian girl and the cool black dude? Looked just like Barry in that picture.

By: Roman Graves

Roman Graves — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 16:05:03 -0800

With special guest appearance by Ed Dames. Now that's a conspiracy.

By: The Whelk

The Whelk — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 16:05:11 -0800

That was called Space Cases and it was fiction.

By: Cool Papa Bell

Cool Papa Bell — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 16:06:41 -0800

White House Denies CIA Teleported Obama to Mars Fuck denial. I'd run with this. "Jay, there's this report that the President was teleported to Mars..." "Yes, he was." "Yes? I don't understand..." "Yes. The President was teleported to Mars." "You're confirming this?" "You're damn right. Next question."

By: mstokes650

mstokes650 — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 16:07:14 -0800

Ignore Basiago and Stillings at your own peril. If Obama's reelected, the U.S. is finally colonizing Mars. If there was a candidate who was serious about starting a program to colonize Mars I would vote for them so hard.

By: dave78981

dave78981 — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 16:08:38 -0800

Back in 2008 I would've believed this...

By: Halloween Jack

Halloween Jack — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 16:10:40 -0800

You may mock, but has Obama ever been proven to have red blood? Wait, he has? Let me examine the syringe personally, then, since the Founders' trickery knows no bounds. We should also apply the MacReady Test as well. And he can explain his familiarity with Vulcan rituals while we're at it.

By: adamrice

adamrice — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 16:11:47 -0800

What makes these guys think they can reveal information this explosive without mysteriously dying in an unfortunate accident? Those tinfoil hats aren't armor.

By: davebush

davebush — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 16:11:53 -0800

It's a quick shuttle ride from Mission: Space to The Hall of Presidents. Check out the Mad Tea Party at some point too.

By: Artw

Artw — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 16:15:32 -0800

Deceive Inveigle Obfuscate

By: chavenet

chavenet — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 16:16:45 -0800

This features some excellent bogus conspiracy reporting of the type you find all over the internet, applicable to anything. Very instructive. "Officially, the White House says Obama never went to Mars." "It is not known what exactly Obama did on Mars. " "You can scoff at the idea of Obama on Mars. But it explains a lot."

By: Artw

Artw — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 16:19:16 -0800

I kinda miss all the black helicopter X Files shit.

By: byanyothername

byanyothername — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 16:19:43 -0800

It is not known what exactly Obama did on Mars. Oh god, this sentence. This sentence.

By: R. Mutt

R. Mutt — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 16:21:32 -0800

Well this explains the President's support of community colleges, now doesn't it.

By: furiousxgeorge

furiousxgeorge — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 16:21:46 -0800

I think I saw this in an episode of Inspector Spacetime.

By: perhapses

perhapses — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 16:21:59 -0800

Mars Needs Imams

By: maryr

maryr — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 16:22:45 -0800

I heard Obama floats if dunked in water.

By: anothermug

anothermug — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 16:22:45 -0800

Nothing unusual here. Back in the 80s, the Kenyan government had its birth certificate and passport offices on Mars.

By: The Whelk

The Whelk — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 16:23:12 -0800

Someone ask Dr Manhattan if he knows anything

By: brundlefly

brundlefly — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 16:25:03 -0800

It is not known what exactly Obama did on Mars. (Socializing Martian health care, perhaps? Building a birth-certificate printing press?) Clearly, he attended a marsdrassa.

By: AdamCSnider

AdamCSnider — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 16:27:16 -0800

It is not known what exactly Obama did on Mars. That's it. Time to write that novel.

By: maryr

maryr — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 16:28:33 -0800

We do know what Schwarzenegger did on Mars though, right?

By: Mister Fabulous

Mister Fabulous — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 16:28:56 -0800

You may mock, but has Obama ever been proven to have red blood? Red like Soviet Russia!

By: jonmc

jonmc — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 16:31:05 -0800

No that was Herman Cain.

By: mstokes650

mstokes650 — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 16:32:43 -0800

I knew there had to be one of these by now.

By: Cool Papa Bell

Cool Papa Bell — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 16:32:45 -0800

You may mock, but has Obama ever been proven to have red blood? Actually...

By: philip-random

philip-random — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 16:34:21 -0800

"Officially, the White House says Obama never went to Mars." Of course, he never went there. He's from there which makes all of this just more liberal-media obfuscation.

By: His thoughts were red thoughts

His thoughts were red thoughts — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 16:34:37 -0800

Deceive Inveigle Obfuscate Isn't that the new Fox News slogan?

By: feistycakes

feistycakes — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 16:38:00 -0800

Was it 'Space Cases' or 'The Tomorrow People'?

By: Artw

Artw — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 16:40:57 -0800

Isn't that the new Fox News slogan? ALL LIES LEAD TO THE TRUTH.

By: Greg_Ace

Greg_Ace — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 16:41:39 -0800

Obama turned me into a newt!!

By: jferg

jferg — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 16:49:54 -0800

"So, when did Mister Obama stop going to Mars?"

By: katemonster

katemonster — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 16:54:07 -0800

Newt turned me into an Obama!!

By: The Whelk

The Whelk — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 16:59:44 -0800

I wish I was better at anagrams right now.

By: argonauta

argonauta — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 17:00:07 -0800

From Wag the Dog:

Ames: It won't hold, Connie, it won't prove out. Brean: We don't need it to prove out. We need it to distract them for two weeks til the election.

By: ennui.bz

ennui.bz — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 17:01:06 -0800

Newt turned me into an Obama!! Newthulsa Doom!!!

By: humanfont

humanfont — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 17:14:18 -0800

In 1983 I was in a hell of a lot better shape than I am now. To get to "work" we had to go 20 at a time into this elevator sized machine. It was really cramped in there and supposedly instantaneous. However before we'd go whizzing off there were checklists and knobs to adjust. So we'd have to stand there for hours while engineers kept adjusting and fiddling. Obama smoked a lot before the missions. After the first time out with him we all kept breath mints; cause god help you if you were next to lt stinky. Hours jammed in there unable to turn around and he wants to talk. We do our mission and the way back was worse. No cigarettes over there and you couldn't bring em. It was cold there. We're jammed back into the machine, tired and mostly wanting to zone out. Except Barack gets antsy and even more talky when he starts withdrawing from the nicotine. The memories of freezing my ass off, and everyone is huddled together just hoping to get back for a hot shower and wanting to enjoy still being alive. Yet we can't have a fucking moment of peace 'cause Barack won't STFU. Also he won't hold still so it takes the engineers forever to get the system setup. Fucking Mars. I hate that place.

By: Blazecock Pileon

Blazecock Pileon — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 17:14:42 -0800

"Chrononaut" is my favorite new word of the week.

By: Mikey-San

Mikey-San — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 17:27:05 -0800

Changeling we can believe in?

By: The Whelk

The Whelk — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 17:38:41 -0800

Barack Hussein Obama Mars Bacon Base Haiku we're through the looking glass people.

By: Roman Graves

Roman Graves — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 17:44:27 -0800

I kinda miss all the black helicopter X Files shit. Me too! I think my obsession with it in the 90s explains why I'm more anti-government than my liberal brethren.

By: Mcable

Mcable — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 17:45:33 -0800

There's no direct evidence that he doesn't know how to operate the Tardis.

By: twoleftfeet

twoleftfeet — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 17:51:42 -0800

It makes a lot of sense if you remember that there were eight candidates for the Republican nomination, and that there are eight planets (sorry, Pluto!) Each Republican candidate corresponds to a particular planet. For example, Santorum corresponds to Uranus.

By: ovvl

ovvl — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 17:51:51 -0800

Killian documents controversy

By: mccarty.tim

mccarty.tim — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 18:04:01 -0800

I thought Obama was the clone of a pharaoh? Or Malcom X's child? Darn, all these conspiracy theories are confusing. Why won't conspiracy theorists get together and coordinate on a Unified Theory of Bullshit for us to make fun of?

By: wintermind

wintermind — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 18:05:25 -0800

I keep thinking about a jay Carney-led press conference as described by Cool Papa Bell, and snickering.

By: the Magna Carta

the Magna Carta — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 18:15:07 -0800

Where's the kaboom? There was supposed to be an earth-shattering kaboom!

By: sfenders

sfenders — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 18:19:16 -0800

Mars Bacon Base Haiku ASK CIA BE A HUB ON MARS

By: Skygazer

Skygazer — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 18:23:43 -0800

Wintermind: I keep thinking about a jay Carney-led press conference as described by Cool Papa Bell, and snickering. Same here. Too fucking funny. I hope Carney is a Mefite.

By: doctor_negative

doctor_negative — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 18:27:27 -0800

I wondered into that class by accident once, instead of my Life Drawing class. I thought the model was kind of small and grey and had no dick, which was weird, but I was high as a kite, so I just sat down and didn't say anything. He stared at me for a while, which was weird too, because he was naked and I wasn't sure if he was a chick or not. Finally he kind of yelled at me without moving his mouth and I figured it must be a class in Ventriloquism. I don't how knew my name, but he called me Mister Negative (I wasn't a doctor yet) and said this wasn't my class but I was kind of digging the ventriloquist thing and didn't want to go. The next thing I knew I woke up naked in my car, with one blood shot eye and a weird bump on the back of my head. About par for the course, those days.

By: NorthernLite

NorthernLite — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 18:34:49 -0800

Fucking Mars. I hate that place. You sir (or ma'am) have won the internets for the day.

By: Smedleyman

Smedleyman — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 18:38:12 -0800

It is not known what exactly Obama did on Mars. But we do have footage from the supposedly "failed" Soviet Zond program from which we can recreate a possible narrative.

By: eriko

eriko — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 18:39:47 -0800

I was all SHUT UP, JUST SHUT UP PEOPLE, FOR FUCKS SAKE, SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP But Mars Bacon Base Haiku? All better.

By: feloniousmonk

feloniousmonk — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 18:41:14 -0800

If a known socialist like Obama went to mars, explain to me why so many Russian probes failed while the American ones succeeded. Have you guys heard of Venera? Not only does it sound like a disease, but it's proof positive that Obama really went to Venus.

By: Copronymus

Copronymus — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 18:44:09 -0800

MARS BEACON ASK HUB AI

By: mccarty.tim

mccarty.tim — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 18:58:41 -0800

I bet Obama releases the Philadelphia Experiment's findings in October this year and revolutionizes travel overnight, winning him the election.

By: Bunny Ultramod

Bunny Ultramod — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 19:05:07 -0800

Yet across the gulf of space, a mind that is to our minds as ours are to those of the beasts that perish, an intellect vast and cool and unsympathetic and Harvard Law School-trained, regarded this earth with envious eyes, and slowly and surely drew his plans against us.

By: Katjusa Roquette

Katjusa Roquette — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 19:05:42 -0800

Somebody got into the Company's L.S.D. Stash, and it was not the president!

By: Anything

Anything — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 19:09:29 -0800

S.O.S.! -- A Manchuria Kebab!!

By: obiwanwasabi

obiwanwasabi — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 19:23:27 -0800

"Chrononaut" is my favorite new word of the week. It willen also've your favorite new word of the week beginning Monday, 16 June 2031.

By: argonauta

argonauta — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 19:27:27 -0800

So much for the first rule of Chrononaut Club.

By: Mei's lost sandal

Mei's lost sandal — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 19:29:19 -0800

I don't know what you just said obiwanwasabi but I like it.

By: Nat "King" Cole Porter Wagoner

Nat "King" Cole Porter Wagoner — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 19:41:40 -0800

M. A. R. S. - Mars, bitches! That's where we are going!

By: billyfleetwood

billyfleetwood — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 20:20:06 -0800

I thought Obama was the clone of a pharaoh? Or Malcom X's child? Darn, all these conspiracy theories are confusing. You think the conspiracy theories are confusing? Try the normal everyday political discourse. He's a secret conservative corporate owned Bush clone who also happens to be a gun confiscating secret muslim socialist. The answer to this mystery is obvious

By: arcticseal

arcticseal — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 20:20:25 -0800

I volunteer Michele Bachmann for the next Chrononaut training program. She already has the tinfoil hat.

By: pashdown

pashdown — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 20:51:01 -0800

Humanfont, please please please tell me where I can preorder your novel. I laughed, I cried!

By: maryr

maryr — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 21:27:26 -0800

It was almost as good as Cats.

By: zoinks

zoinks — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 22:55:53 -0800

I thought they all did that?

By: kcds

kcds — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 06:27:04 -0800

If Obama hasn't been to Mars, why won't he release a document that proves it? What's he trying to hide?

By: stormpooper

stormpooper — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 07:01:49 -0800

Teleport? Like a pneumatic tube at the bank?

By: unreasonable

unreasonable — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 08:12:50 -0800

It all makes sense. Obama did the whole recess appointment of Cordray to shift attention from his Mars trip 30 years ago.

By: Uther Bentrazor

Uther Bentrazor — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 08:25:15 -0800

If he was really a sleeper agent from Mars trying to infiltrate human society, he wouldn't use such an obvious fake name like "Barack Hussein Obama", he'd go with something way less fake-sounding, like J'onn J'onzz.

By: entropicamericana

entropicamericana — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 08:41:34 -0800

Mars ain't the kind of place to raise your kids.

By: moonmilk

moonmilk — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 08:57:00 -0800

Red dust swirls outside Red rashers upon my plate Two more weeks til jump